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If you only knew
I'm hanging by a thread, the web I spin for you
If you only knew
I'd sacrifice my beating heart before I lose you
I still hold onto the letters you returned
I swear I've lived and learned
Freddie couldn't believe that he was here again. He felt like the thirteen-year-old version of himself. How could he let her play with his emotions all over again. Had he learned nothing? He spent years getting over her and here he was being her doormat all over again.
He'd like to believe it had all been his own fault, that he'd somehow imagined all the signals he'd picked up on, but he couldn't. He'd like to believe that she hadn't done it, that she hadn't known what she'd been doing all long, but she had to. How could she not? She made him believe that they were more than they apparently were… That she cared about him more than she really did. But in reality, he was nothing more than her emotional support animal.
She knew how much he cared about her. Hell, he'd risked his own life to protect her. She knew. At the time, she'd fan-girled and acted like she really and truly liked him… Like she finally got it… Like she finally saw how amazing he was and wanted to be with him. But it wasn't real. It's wasn't him she wanted… She just got off on having someone who would do anything for her. He called her on it and told her if she ever realized that it was real and still wanted to be his girlfriend that he would be really psyched. But she never did.
He'd waited beyond patiently for her to come around… For her to realize that she still cared about him that way. But she never did. After a while he forced himself to move on. It was hard, but he did it. When he knew for sure it was time to give up was when Sam kissed him and they decided to date. He never felt for Sam what he'd felt for Carly, but he did care about her and she was a really nice distraction. And, unlike Carly, she wanted him. So, he went for it.
But what really sealed the fate of his obsession was that Carly didn't seem to care. She wasn't jealous, she was truly happy for them. At first, she mediated between them, trying to help them make it work. But when Freddie found out that Sam had sabotaged his chance to go to N.E.R.D. Camp, Carly was the one that fought to keep them together, even going so far as to push their heads together to kiss. It was obvious that she didn't want him, so he got over her.
Or at least he thought he had.
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe is in you
If you only knew
Then she kissed him before leaving for Italy. To say he'd been shocked was an understatement. When she walked in, he was just expecting an emotional goodbye, but not that. If only she'd said something… Told him what it meant. Instead, he spiraled headfirst into his infatuation with her all over again.
Carly was miserable in Italy. She put on a brave face for her dad, but it was all fake. She was happy to be with him as she'd missed him like crazy, but she missed Seattle more.
At first, Freddie and Carly were just e-mailing back and forth and occasionally they texted each other throughout the day, but that quickly escalated into more. She missed Freddie so much that she became a morning person just to talk to him. With the time difference, she would call him at 6am her time, 9pm in Seattle, and they would talk for hours. She would tell him about all of the sights she'd seen the previous day and he'd tell her what he's been up to. At the time, he'd felt that it must mean something that she missed him that much. But now he knew better… She was homesick and he was simply her fix.
Before he knew it, he'd blown almost all of his savings and flown to Italy to visit her. He'd missed her like crazy and things seemed to be going well between them, so he went, all the while hoping for more… That maybe it was finally his chance to have her. He was willing to wait until after they graduated to figure out the distance problem. They could put up with it for just one little year, right?
The plan was to be there for two weeks, then he'd return home to prepare for his senior year. Once he'd arrived, she'd been glued to his side. She'd met him at the airport with the tightest hug he could imagine, squeezing him for a long time with everything she had and he let her, beyond happy to be in her arms. When she released him, she was beaming and he knew he was a goner.
She'd practically drug him from the airport and took him to one of her favorite restaurants before heading back to the apartment her dad had rented. Col. Shay had wanted to give Carly the fully Italian experience and base housing wouldn't have provided that, so they had a small two-bedroom split-level apartment. The plan had been for Freddie to sleep on the couch, but he passed out from jetlag on Carly's bed while they had been catching up. She'd been showing him pictures on her PearPad of all the places she wanted to take him when he couldn't fight the exhaustion anymore and nodded off. He awoke many hours later with Carly in his arms, her head on his chest and her tablet on her nightstand, signaling to him that she didn't simply nod off as he had. That meant something, right?
That night, after a mostly lazy day spent hanging out in the apartment and only going out briefly to a café down the street as he was still adjusting to the time difference, he tried to sleep on their sofa as he'd agreed to. Carly had warned him it wasn't really comfortable, and he'd promised it wouldn't be a problem, but it had been. Yes, the couch was rather stiff, but it was also rather short. He'd tried a lot of positions and it just wasn't cutting it. Just as he'd given up and started to make a make-shift bed on the floor, Carly pulled him to her room, inviting him to share her bed. She'd said there was no way she was letting him sleep on the floor after he'd traveled so far to visit her. Besides, they were both nearly eighteen so her dad would just have to deal with it. They did promise to keep the door open the whole time, so Col. Shay relented. He'd missed a lot over the years, but Spencer had assured him that Carly was more than safe with Freddie. Freddie had felt proud that Spencer trusted him so much that he'd even told his father as much.
That night and every one after, they fell asleep in each other's arms. Some days he woke up with her on her side against his chest and others he was spooned behind her, his arm wrapped protectively around her. Regardless of the position, every day he awoke immensely happy.
He'd been home for a few days now and he hadn't had a good night of sleep since he left Italy. It was late, just after 4am according to the alarm clock on his dresser across the room. He'd been tossing and turning relentlessly. He couldn't sleep without her. He missed her scent and the feeling of her pressed up against him… It was only a few days; how could he have gotten addicted so fast? He feared he'd never sleep well again.
If you only knew
How many times I counted all the words that went wrong
If you only knew
How I refuse to let you go, even when you're gone
I don't regret any days I spent, nights we shared, or letters that I sent
Since he couldn't sleep, the trip played on repeat in his mind… Memories he was terrified he'd never recover from.
They'd been inseparable. She took to all the famous sights, for day trips out of town to relax on sparkling beaches and to some of the best restaurants he'd ever tasted. During their excursions she'd kept him close, preferring to either hold his hand or keep her arm wrapped around his, never letting him get very far from her. He'd been flattered. It had felt like she was staking her claim on him, making it clear to the world that he was hers.
They never discussed the kiss, but they hadn't repeated it either. Instead, she'd place kisses on his cheek and lay her head on his shoulder. His head was swimming every time he was in her proximity, so he hadn't thought to try for another. No, that wasn't true… He'd thought about it a lot, but he refused to rush things. He wanted to do things the right way. This was Carly, after all… Didn't she deserve that much?
Just over a week into the trip he finally mustered up the courage to ask her to make it official… To ask her to be his. He'd found the nicest romantic restaurant he could afford and rehearsed how he would ask her, praying he wouldn't chicken out. This was their time, finally his chance at true happiness.
When they'd arrived at the restaurant, he realized there was a flaw in his plan, the restaurant was closed for some stupid made-up holiday. He'd started to panic, but Carly simply giggled at him, amused at the absurdity of the situation. He was still off-balance by his plans being ruined, but her easy smile calmed him. They wandered around until they settled on this little café and got gelato. They shared a bowl, holding hands while they ate. She'd made little moaning sounds of appreciation and he nearly choked. He'd been so distracted by her that he didn't even notice the old man approach.
The seemingly sweet man offered to take their picture, gushing over what a cute couple they were. Freddie had been overjoyed at the kind words, but then he'd heard what would inevitably crush him. Carly laughed. It wasn't her soft laugh of amusement at the man's words, it was her nervous laugh of embarrassment. She was embarrassed that the man thought they were together. Before he knew it, it got worse – she'd started telling the man that they were just friends… Amici, she'd said.
He had tried to hide the hurt and disappointment, but he knew it was a losing battle. There was no way he could put on a show for the rest of the trip. As they walked back to her apartment, Carly tried to hold his hand, but he'd pretended to drop something, giving him a momentary reprieve. After that, he pulled his phone out, taking pictures of the scenery around them to keep his hands occupied.
Once they arrived back at her home, he devised a plan. He had to get out of there fast. He couldn't spend another night in her bed. So, while she was changing clothes, he faked receiving a text message from his mother that his Aunt Susan was in a bad accident and that it wasn't looking good. He'd told her that his mom had already booked him a flight home for later that night, so he had to leave for the airport right away. He'd stood outside her door and relayed the message through it, needing the barrier to effectively carry out the lie. He'd known that she'd be able to see right through him, she always had.
Once she was dressed, she'd opened the door and he'd quickly packed and left for the airport, barely giving them any chance to talk. He'd allowed a brief hug and he nearly shattered.
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe is in you
If you only knew
The next available flight he was able to switch his existing ticket with wasn't until the following evening, so he camped out in the airport until then. He tried to sleep in the uncomfortable chairs, but when that wouldn't work, he resigned himself to using his backpack as a pillow while he stretched out on the floor. Of course, sleep wouldn't come so he was left replaying the events of the day in his head.
How had they gotten to this point? The day had started off so well. He had again woken up with her in his arms. She'd been sprawled across him, her arm holding him close and one of her legs tangled in his. He'd barely been able to contain his dopey grin when she shifted and readjusted against him as she started to wake up. She'd looked up at him with heavy lidded eyes and gave him the sweetest, sleepy smile and his heart nearly stopped. He would've given anything to see that smile every morning for the rest of his life.
How could she not feel the same way about him? All the signs were there, weren't they? He couldn't have imagined it all. She'd acted like they were a couple and he'd been happy to go along with it, to play the part of her love-sick boyfriend, even if they weren't official… yet. But now he would have to face the fact that they never would be.
As he waited for the hours to pass at the airport, he couldn't help but notice all of the happy couples – some were reuniting after time spent apart while others were emotionally saying goodbye. He'd envied them. That's what he and Carly were supposed to be. She should've been at the airport with him, tearfully kissing him goodbye and making plans for when they would be together next. Instead, he found himself wishing bad things on all of the smiling faces around him, wanting them to be as miserable as he was.
He'd known it wasn't fair, but he couldn't help it. She'd done this to him again. He refused to lose it public. While he often forgot how famous he, Carly and Sam had become, he and Carly had been recognized a few times during his visit. He wouldn't allow himself to be photographed breaking down, so he held onto the anger instead. Anger was easier to deal with.
If you only knew
He just couldn't understand it, she knew him so well so how couldn't she tell how he felt? She known when they were younger and just humored him. She'd smile and say "Oh, Freddie", brushing off his feelings. Even not long before she left, he'd had a week moment and asked if was too late for her to love him. He'd denied it when she tried to confirm what he'd said, but she'd heard him, he knew she had. That's why her kiss not long after had to mean something. She wouldn't kiss him if she didn't feel the same way, would she?
That was when the truth hit him, she'd strung him along so he couldn't possibly forget about her. She was just trying to keep him interested so she wouldn't lose her connection with home. She'd used him. The realization felt overpowering and he could hardly breathe.
I still hold onto the letters you returned
You help me live and learn
He vowed to never let her do this to him again. Far too many times he had offered himself to her, only to be rejected but kept around at arm's length while she flaunted her love interests in front of him. In the past, any time he'd started to move on and show interest in someone else suddenly she'd be jealous and he'd stupidly have hope all over again and any progress he'd made would be demolished. But never again.
It was a hard lesson to learn, but he finally got it. She would never be his and he would have to finally let her go. Their relationship wasn't healthy and she'd hurt him way too many times to count… But this one hurt the most because she knew better. She'd toyed with his emotions, not caring if she broke him in the process.
It's 4:03 and I can't sleep
Without you next to me I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me
The only thing that I still believe is in you
I still believe in you
If you only knew
So, here he was, awake in the middle of the night, losing the battle and letting her occupy his thoughts again. But this time was different, he was making a gameplan. He had to distance himself from her. He knew he could never cut her off completely, but he wouldn't let her dominate his life. He needed to get out more and find a life beyond her and iCarly. He knew there had to be someone out there for him, but until he met that person, he would widen his horizons and explore all that life had to offer.
He was about to start his senior year in just a few weeks. It was hard to imagine being in that school without his two long-time partners in crime. They'd always been a package deal. For the first time the thought of being on his own both scared and excited him. He'd no longer be Sam's constant punching bag or Carly's pathetic doormat, willing to do anything for her anytime she batted her eyes and pouted those lips at him.
He decided to reinvent himself this year. There were lots of things he'd wanted to try over the years, but iCarly had always dominated so much of his time. Maybe he could try out for a sport? While he wasn't really athletic, he had started working out some to help defend himself against Sam. Maybe he could participate in the theater? That might help him become more creative and it would look on college applications to help round him out. The point is the possibilities were endless.
He would always love Carly; he knew that with every fiber of his being. But he also knew he had to let go of his dream of being with her as that is all it ever would be. His heart ached at the thought, but he knew he had to do it. The alternative, holding onto to that future that would never come true would just cause him so much more pain in the long run. He would find some way to be just Carly's friend. He knew it wouldn't be easy, but for his own sanity and self-preservation, he had to. If he didn't and she ever played with his heart again, he might not survive it.
He rolled over in bed and looked out his window, watching as the night sky was replaced by the dawn of a new day. He knew that somehow he and Carly would move past this... eventually. For the first time since that old man had unwittingly contributed to his heartbreak, Freddie felt hopeful.