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The Vidyadhara were a species that underwent a cycle of death and rebirth, if you wanted to put it in poetic terms. They had no memories of their past lives or what their previous incarnations did, and it could end in tragedy, like a Vidyadhara being unable to remember a lover they had in their previous life.
As a former high elder of the Vidyadhara, Dan Heng was no different and had no exception when he was forced to molt as punishment for what the previous High Elder did. Even so, those memories… they haunted him. Like ghosts in his peripheral vision, he could see flickers of something he didn’t understand. He didn’t remember. He couldn’t remember. He wasn’t supposed to remember. So why did they echo in his mind like this? Why could he see memories of a life he no longer lived, of a person he no longer was?
Sometimes, he felt returning to the Luofu was a mistake. But he had no choice then - he was deathly afraid with Blade was running amok, that Mr. Yang, March, and Caelus, if they crossed paths, they would’ve -
Interrupting that train of thought, Dan Heng went back to reorganizing the data bank once again. His hands needed to keep busy. He needed to be busy. If he stood too long, if he idled… those ghosts would appear again, dancing like flickering flames in his mind.
And if they continued, he feared he would lose his mind. He wasn’t Dan Feng. He wasn’t Dan Feng anymore. He was Dan Heng, nameless and crew of the Astral Express. He was Dan Heng, traveler of the stars. He wasn’t the high elder. Or part of the High-Cloud Quintet anymore.
But you were, once, his own thoughts whisper to him.
I am not anymore.
The other day, while visiting the Luofu, Jing Yuan had called him Dan Feng by mistake. The general corrected himself quickly, but Dan Heng bristled. Those memories were still alive in the general, but not in Dan Heng. He could tell that, sometimes, Jing Yuan wanted him to remember. He had lost so much in those years. Jingliu, Dan Feng, Baiheng, Yingxing. Most of the High Cloud Quintet were either dead or insane Mara struck victims. Perhaps he had never properly gotten closure. But he could tell, somewhat, the general held those memories fondly.
Dan Heng remembered none of it. He couldn’t. It wasn’t his life to remember. He had carved out his own path, his own trail in his way. But he remembered the looks the Luofu citizens had. He remembered when Jing Yuan explained it to the Astral Express crew, and the curious looks they gave him.
Do they all just see me as Dan Feng? What am I to them?
The thought took hold in his head and he grimaced. What an absurd notion. Ridiculous. Outrageous. He was Dan Heng to them. He was only Dan Heng, their reserved guardian who liked to spend time in the data bank room, who slept on the floor of that room. He moved to another section of the terminal, shaking his head and trying to rid himself of those thoughts.
And then he caught a glimpse of himself on a reflective surface. He looked at his horns, his face, his long hair. It was so sudden it startled him, but that reflection quickly showed Dan Feng’s face, before shifting back to his own. Dan Heng let out a surprised cry, stepping away from the surface, and his heart began to race.
I’m not him. I’m not him. I’m not him anymore.
Before he’s able to go into a full blown breakdown, Dan Heng hears a soft knock at the data bank’s door.
“Dan Heng?” that familiar voice called his name. It was Caelus - what was he doing up so late?
Quickly composing himself, Dan Heng called back an easy, “come in.” The door slid open and there stood the gray haired boy.
“You’re still up. I saw the light on from outside.”
“Did it keep you awake? Sorry. I’ll shut it off soon,” Dan Heng replied coolly, despite his heart still racing from that reflection shift.
Caelus wasn’t one to let off so easily. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” He didn’t mean for his voice to come out so shaky. Damnit.
Caelus has a worried look on his face. “I don’t want to push, but it feels like you’re not.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Why? You returned to your birthplace where you got exiled, where a crazy swordsman almost killed you, and you turned back into your Vidyadhara form. That has to be a lot, doesn’t it?”
Dan Heng closes his eyes and folds his arms. “It sounds like a lot for you. This was a secret I kept for a while. And yet, you still accepted me. I was a traitor to the Xianzhou. A criminal. Someone who deserved the worst fate.”
“But you’re not him, are you?”
“What?”
“You’re not Dan Feng. Not anymore.” Caelus points out, his eyes widening. “Wasn’t the point of Vidyadhara rebirth to forget your previous life and live a new one? You’re not Dan Feng. Not anymore. You’re not responsible for his sins.”
Dan Heng scoffs. “They all saw me as him. Even the general, though he’s making his efforts. I - I can remember his life sometimes. They’re not clear or coherent, but it feels like… They’re haunting me, Caelus. Some days, I really do think I am him. That I never got reborn. That I’m still the same person.” His voice trails into a whisper, then nothing. The silence that’s between them is a heavy one.
Like a river flowing, Dan Heng finally translated his thoughts, his emotions, his fears into words, to the boy he loves. The pain and uncertainty he had been feeling inside of him had been spoken into the world and he couldn’t take it back. He was terrified . Terrified of the identity crisis that had pulled him into a deep body of water, where he felt he was drowning sometimes. As much as he affirmed himself as Dan Heng, the trailblazer, a friend, a guardian, the past could grip and hold him down in the mired sea of memories in such a way he felt he couldn’t escape. The haunting of his past life, the memories that flashed in his eyes, the life he used to have before he committed that sin. Before everything had changed.
Caelus sat quietly and listened to every word Dan Heng had to say, nodding at points during his tale. When the Vidyadhara finally finished his train of thought, he sighed, blinking away the tears that threatened to fall. He couldn’t cry. He didn’t want to cry.
“You were in a lot of pain since we got back from the Luofu, weren’t you? I’m sorry,” Caelus smiles sadly.
“It’s not your fault. I let my thoughts get the better of me.” Dan Heng closed his eyes, his heart rate finally steadying.
“Still, though. It was a lot to go through. How are you feeling?”
“Lost,” Dan Heng confesses. “I want to continue my journey with you all. I want to continue being a Nameless. But…” he looks at the data bank terminal. “Sometimes I can’t help but see those glimpses. Like I’m still him.”
“But you’re not. Not anymore. Your molting may have been a forced punishment, but it was still a molting,” Caelus points out. “Dan Feng is dead. He won’t come back. Dan Heng is who you are now. I think both March and I can relate to that feeling, though. I keep wondering who I could’ve been in my own past, before you found me in the space station, and March lost all her memories in that ice. We’re still who we are now, though. We made a path for ourselves, despite it all. We made our own identities. We’re members of the Astral Express. And you are, too, past be damned.”
Dan Heng could only do so much to try to not cry. In a way, Caelus was right. Even if those haunting visions continued… they were only a symbol of a life he never lived. Of a life he never experianced, of a life that wasn’t his own. Those memories were of a person that long since departed this world, who was nothing but a ghost in the minds of the ones who knew him. They may plague him for however long he lives, but…
He had his own family now, didn’t he? His own home. His own set of people that laughed with him, cried with him, worried about him, and cared for him.
Caelus reached out to hold Dan Heng’s hand. “And above it all, you’re the person I love the most. You won’t forget that, will you?”
Dan Heng finally smiles a tiny, comforted smile. “Not for as long as I live. Thank you, Caelus. I think my mind is at ease now.” And he wasn’t lying - there was a peace in his heart he hadn’t felt in a while. He was surrounded by those who will, and forever will, see him as Dan Heng, a member of the Astral Express, and their family.
Caelus lets out a loud yawn. “Oops. I think I’m more tired than I thought. Will you be okay alone?”
“I think I will. I’ll just finish sorting the last bits of data you collected on the Luofu and storing them.”
“Don’t be up too late. Goodnight,” Caelus heads out the door.
“I won’t. Goodnight.” Dan Heng returns to his work.
In a short time, he finishes, and prepares himself to sleep. The light is turned out, and he notices he has a message from Caelus sent about 5 minutes ago.
Dan Heng, I love you.
The Vidyadhara couldn’t help but smile as he types out a reply, and then settles down into a deep slumber, no longer drowning in the ocean of his past. He felt light, like a flowing river.
Dan Feng was dead. Dan Heng is who remained. And that is who he would be.
Go to sleep. I love you too.