Work Text:
My mind is set on overdrive
The clock is laughing in my face
A crooked spine, my senses dulled
Past the point of delirium
On my own, here we go
“Brain Stew” - Green Day
“No… Stop! … You have to go to the right…”
“Simon?” a voice asked, definitely not coming from his headphones. Turning his head toward the door, Simon looked straight into his mother’s eyes, who was standing in the doorway to his room. “Guys, I’m off for today. See you soon!” he told his friends as he left the game he, Rosh, and Ayub had been playing until just now.
Simon took off his headphones and asked, “What’s up Mamma?” Linda smiled and took a few steps toward him. “I’m going to bed now. I have an early shift tomorrow. Don’t stay up too late, okay? You went to bed so late yesterday and school starts again tomorrow.”
Glancing at his phone, he realized it was almost 10 p.m. Apparently he had completely lost track of time while playing and maybe it wasn't a bad idea to go to sleep soon. “Don’t worry, I think I’ll be going to bed soon, too. I have to be at school early tomorrow for the welcome back ceremony,” he replied.
“That’s good, mi amor.” Linda took a few more steps toward him and put her right hand on his cheek. “Will you be okay? Are you really sure that you want to continue going to Hillerska? I’m sure you can always go back to Marieberg,” she probed and Simon could see the concern in her eyes.
“Don’t worry. I’m okay. At least I have Sara and a few other friends there. Everything is fine, don’t worry.” Simon’s words seemed to reassure his mother, at least for now. She nodded and stroked his cheek. “Then I am reassured. Sleep well and have a successful day tomorrow.” Simon smiled and watched her leave his room. Luckily she had bought his lie.
With a deep sigh he finally got up. Simon was conflicted about returning to Hillerska. On the one hand, he was glad to finally have something to focus on. All the learning material, especially math, and also the rowing training would give him something to focus on again. He would be busy enough that he wouldn’t frantically look for something to distract him so as to not think about the past weeks and months.
On the other hand… returning to school also meant he would see Wille again. Every day anew. Each time, he would be reminded of what he couldn’t have but wanted so badly. He would be reminded that he was alone again now. He had no friends and probably no Sara this time either, since she had drifted further and further away from him in the last few weeks. Now that she was staying at the Manor House, she would probably only hang out with her friends. Not that he blamed her. Sara finally deserved to have friends and it wasn’t her fault that he didn’t have any. Even if he somehow wished that she would show some consideration for him.
No. No. No. He certainly wouldn’t think about it any further now. He would just go to school tomorrow, mind his own business, and then go home again.
Simon checked his backpack one last time to make sure he had packed all the things he needed for tomorrow. Books, paper, the dented Garfield pencil box (maybe he should get a new one? Although… No, he couldn’t bring himself to do that. Sara had given it to him for his birthday many years ago), 4 tangerines, and so on.
When he was really sure that he had packed everything he would need, and that his uniform was washed and ironed and hanging on a hook, he crept into the bathroom to get ready for bed. Finally he sat down on his bed and picked up his phone to set his alarm. In doing so, he realized that he had wasted far too much time. It was already 10:45 p.m. Fantastic.
As usual, Simon lay down on his stomach and turned off all the lights except for the lava lamp. As his head touched his pillow, he sighed contentedly and closed his eyes. Time to sleep.
At least in theory. In reality, Simon lay there for quite a while, how long he couldn’t say, but it felt like an eternity just lying there trying to drift off to sleep.
Hmm, somehow his usual sleeping position wasn’t comfortable enough. So find a new position, his snarky brain replied. After Simon lay down on his right side, he dared to check the time. 11:30 p.m. Well done.
Why couldn’t he sleep? The house was quiet and the only sound outside was a dog barking somewhere in the distance. It wasn’t anything that should keep him from sleeping. It really was time to fall asleep. He absolutely had to be reasonably fit tomorrow. He had already shown too much weakness in the last term. He had given those rich assholes plenty of leverage. He couldn't give them anymore.
He had to be strong when he saw Wille again. Wille, who had hurt him so much. Wille, who had confessed his love to him on the last day. But was it really love? No, probably not. Wille was used to getting what he wanted and Simon was probably the first person to say “no” to him. Wille just wanted to get his way. But what if Simon was wrong? What if Wille really loved him? No. No. No.
With a groan, he rolled onto his left side and glared at the wall angrily. Why couldn’t he just stop thinking about Wille? At least Simon had drawn a clear line. He couldn't and didn’t want to be a secret. It really isn’t asking too much to be openly liked or even loved. That’s the bare minimum. Or was Simon perhaps too selfish after all? No, he wasn't, he decided. He had no trouble supporting the people he loved. He was used to it. He would do anything for his mom and sister – without hesitation. And he liked doing it. However, they always stood by him. They didn’t stab him in the back at the first opportunity. Wille had stabbed him in the back, and not just once. No. No. No. He couldn’t think about Wille anymore now. He’d done that enough over the holidays.
Annoyed, Simon threw his blanket aside and got up. He padded to his window, pulled aside the curtain — now a real curtain, not just an old bed sheet — and opened the window. Maybe fresh air would help?
The icy air hit him instantly. Shivering, he leaned forward a little and looked at the sky. Dark clouds obscured the stars and the moon. In the light of the lantern, he could see the fine raindrops. He immediately thought of that fateful night a few weeks ago. It was freezing cold there, too, and it had been raining. Wille had phoned him in the middle of the night. Simon noticed immediately that Wille was not feeling well. But to be honest, everyone would have noticed the incoherent ramblings. People made out of metal? What the fuck? As always, his protective instinct kicked in and he “rescued” Wille. How he wished now he hadn’t. If only he had told Wille that he should please annoy his bodyguards. Or if he had just walked away after taking Wille to his room, everything that followed wouldn’t have happened. Maybe they could have built a better foundation first and Wille could have come out on his terms. Maybe then they would still be a couple. Had they ever been a couple at all? He didn’t know.
Excellent. The fresh air had only done one thing: he was more alert than before. He quickly closed the window and the curtain again and after another look at the clock lay down again. 1:07 a.m. Maybe... Maybe he should... No. He didn’t deserve it. Absolutely not. Although… what else was he here for? Why hadn’t he gotten rid of him many years ago, even though his friends kept teasing him about HIM ?
Hesitantly, Simon got up again and went to his chest of drawers. Before opening the bottom drawer, he looked around the room. Internally he scolded himself. It was the middle of the night. Nobody was awake and above all: he was alone in his room. Even the door to the laundry room was closed.
Finally, he pulled a fluffy blanket and an old, worn teddy bear out of the drawer. Bamse, the bear, and his cuddly blanket, which no one knew anything about, would definitely help him to finally sleep. Smiling, he lay down again, pulled the blanket up to his ears, and took his beloved bear in his arms. Of course, he would never admit that sometimes he still slept with the stuffed animal, because what normal, sixteen-year-old would?
Simon sighed. At least he was finally comfortable now. Hopefully, he would be able to sleep now. Bamse would protect him and the soft, cozy blanket would keep him warm. A blanket almost as soft as Wille’s hair…
Yesterday he had seen his new haircut for the first time. The idiot even drew his attention to it, although it was more than obvious. Simon would have loved to run his fingers through Wille’s now short, almost brown hair. Luckily he had been able to control himself. He was also extremely happy that it didn’t slip out that he liked the long, dark blonde hair better and already missed it.
This train of thought came to an abrupt end. A deep, almost animal growl escaped him. What the fuck was the matter with him? All he wanted was to get some sleep and not think about Wille or his stupid classmates all the time. Was that asking too much? 1:54 a.m. - fuck his life.
Simon laid Bamse on his pillow and then buried his face in the stuffed animal’s stomach. Though the fabric made it heavy, he still tried to take a few deep breaths to calm himself. In the meantime, not being able to sleep bothered him more than all the thoughts of Wille. To be honest, he wished more than anything that they would finally stop.
Simon sat up quickly. It couldn't go on like this. As he scooted closer to the end of his bed, he pulled Bamse behind him. How could he be so blind? How could he forget his usual method of calming down? Sometimes he was really stupid. Finally he sat on the end of the bed, the cozy blanket hung over his shoulders and Bamse pressed tightly to his chest. His gaze was fixed on the small aquarium in the corner.
Almost immediately he felt himself calming down. His three fish always helped him when he had to think. Somehow they always helped him focus on something else. He could always count on Olle, Oski, and Felle. (Simon couldn't believe he’d finally given them names after almost five years, even though he couldn’t tell them apart.) Unlike Wille, they didn't let him down. They did not throw him to the wolves. Simon was sure that if they could, they would protect him from the paparazzi, who still showed up occasionally. They wouldn't leave him alone with the problem, not like Wille. Would Marcus protect him? Huh? Now where did that thought come from? Was he going completely insane now?
Marcus was just the son of his mother’s best friend.This guy was nothing more than an acquaintance. He was grateful that the older boy had brought him to Hillerska yesterday, but he doubted their paths would cross again.
Okay, somehow that didn't help either. And it was getting later and later... Simon lay down and after another glance at the clock - 2:43 a.m. - he stared at the other side of his room.
He recalled the advice of his guidance counselor from elementary school. At that time, Micke had just had his accident, and with that began the almost endless consumption of alcohol and pills, as well as the constant arguments with his mother. At that time, he and Sara were still too young to understand exactly what was going on, and yet the situation did not go unnoticed. Simon found it harder and harder to fall asleep at night. At some point, the guidance counselor had taken him aside and talked to him about why he was being so inattentive at school. The conversation itself wasn’t particularly helpful apart from this one piece of advice that really stuck with him, and here and there he still uses it to this day: Let the thoughts come, but don't linger. Just let them go again.
Simon continued to breathe in and out deeply. Let the thoughts come.
Would the people in Hillerska keep staring at him and whispering behind his back?
Would he be on his own this term or would he maybe finally make friends?
Would Sara be happy at Manor House?
Was Felice really a good friend to Sara?
Would he maybe finally find out who shot and posted the video of him and Wille?
How would he and Wille behave toward each other?
Would it be possible for them to become friends?
Did he even want to be friends with Wille?
And he let the thoughts all go without thinking about them.
Apparently it was just right – at least for a short time he fell asleep. 3:41 a.m. Should he give up or should he make one last attempt to get at least an hour or two of sleep. He picked up his phone one last time and opened Spotify. A tricky situation calls for desperate measures. He quickly found the Bamse radio plays. He pressed play and snuggled back into bed with the plush Bamse.
He let the thoughts come and just go away.
The next time he opened his eyes, he was already far too late. He would definitely not make it to his choir performance...
Day ‘n’ nite
I toss and turn, I keep stressin’ my mind, mind
I look for peace, but see, I don’t attain
“Day ‘N’ Nite” - Kid Cudi