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“Everyone… hates me… so the role of villain is perfect for me…”
“I wanna enjoy this game filled with suspicion and betrayal from the bottom of my heart!”
“The more you suffer, the more I enjoy it.”
Trying not to run away, to curl up and hide, Kokichi continued to stalk towards the exit. He was breathing through his nose, to avoid the tell-tale signs of his ragged breath. But that just meant he could smell metallic blood. Bright pink, and choking Horrible. Reminding him of Gonta’s execution, of Kirumi’s, of so many deaths… The scent of blood made him want to throw up.
Bile did pool in Kokichi’s throat, just as he reached the elevator. He managed to push the door shut, waited for it to close, before Kokichi allowed himself to sink to the floor. Trembling almost as much as the machine he was riding in. But he forced down the bile, and he forced back what few tears were threatening to show themselves. He was the villain for god's sake, a self-proclaimed one at that. And with everything he had done… a self-made one as well.
Kokichi couldn’t afford for anyone to see him cry. No-one deserved to see Kokichi cry, either. Not any of his ‘classmates’ and certainly not the people watching, whoever they were. They didn’t deserve anything, let alone something near his true emotions. So as the elevator creaked that little bit more, signifying the ride being over, Kokichi forced himself to his feet. Standing slightly unsteadily, he left the elevator. He left the entire shrine of judgement, only stiffening slightly as he heard the elevator lower itself again. So everyone else would be out soon. He could face them.
As soon as he had left the shrine, more bile suddenly pooled in his throat. As silent as everything was, his fight or flight instinct began to kick in. His brain replacing the silence with the buzz of insects, the crackle of fire, a horrible cough. He shouldn’t have multiple people in his life coughing up blood. Kokichi shouldn’t… Kokichi shouldn’t even be here. It isn’t fair. He isn’t the villain.
No, with everything he’s done that’s wrong. He is the villain. But he shouldn’t have to be, even if this role did seem to be made for him. But that wasn’t fair. Being this… person, wasn’t truly Kokichi. He was a pacifist. The worst thing he had done before the killing game was petty crime, and pranks. A theft from an overzealous jewellery store. But never murder. He shouldn’t have had to resort to murder, he didn’t want to resort to murder.
Eventually, Kokichi found himself at the library. Staring up at a pile of neatly stacked books. No-one had touched them since Kaede had. The only changes in this library had been the removal of Rantaro’s blood, and the rest of the crime scene. Moving almost on autopilot, Kokichi swung open the hidden door - looking at the card reader. He’d taken Shuichi’s idea of placing dust there. And it had been disturbed, from when he’d most recently placed more on. So Kokichi put more dust on, trying and failing to pretend like this day was any other.
But he was trying to catch the mastermind. He wasn’t all bad, at least not yet. His objective was still to ruin this game, which wasn’t villainous. At least, he was fairly sure it wasn’t villainous. He’d become so caught up in everything that had happened, he wasn’t sure if what he was doing was right. But Kokichi was trying. He was trying.
The night time announcement played, and Kokichi still didn’t move. At one point, he’d picked up a book from the library. Eyes scanning over the letters without reading them, fingers numbly turning the pages. It must have been… almost midnight when Kokichi finally hit the end of the book. He blinked suddenly, as if going out of a trance. Turning the book over in his hand, Kokichi checked what it was. ‘The philosophy of a hero’ by some random professor. Of course Monokuma would put this in here.
As Kokichi closed the book, his finger caught on a slightly textured bit of the page. It had been wet. He looked down at it closer, the small circle shape the water damage was in. Almost subconsciously, Kokichi brought a hand up to his face, briefly dabbing at his cheeks. They were wet. He had been crying…
The realisation brought more tears. He was crying like he did when he wanted to fake it. Except this time they just wouldn’t stop. His throat was hurting, his eyes were hunting. Everything… everything hurt. Kokichi was still crying as he began to move again. He didn’t want to be the villain he’d made himself.
Numbly, Kokichi got up. He was still aware he was crying, he could feel the tears running down his face. He could taste the saltiness, ever so slightly. But at least he wasn’t tasting blood. Still moving, although he wasn’t sure where too, he focused on his footsteps. At least they could fill the silence, so his brain didn’t fill it in for him. He’d had enough of screams for one day. He’d had enough of screams for a lifetime.
Moving under the dome, the ‘end wall’, Kokichi didn’t bother to look up at the stars. They weren’t stars from their galaxy, at the very least. But they might have still been real, just new constellations - from wherever they were in space. He moved back to the dormitory, eventually. The doors opening as he approached.
For a second Kokichi simply stood there as they opened, staring and wondering if he wanted to go in. He didn’t, of course. But he needed to sleep, and he wanted someone to take his mind off today. Taking a deep breath, that was nowhere near as calming as he would’ve liked, Kokichi stepped into the dormitory building. It was silent, and there was no movement except his door closing behind him.
Kokichi wasn’t sure if he could face going into his room. The whiteboard on there, the people he’d have to move to dead… The things from each case, lying around. The reminder that he needed to get something from this trial as well; so he could complete the set. But with everything around, Kokichi wasn’t sure if he could face his room. Kokichi wasn’t even sure if he could face himself… who he’d become.
Maybe it was because something about Shuichi calmed him, maybe it was because Shuichi’s room was so close to the dormitory’s entrance; but Kokichi found himself outside Shuichi’s room. Looking at the buzzer, he brought a hand up to press it - only to realise he was still holding the book. ‘The philosophy of a hero’. How ironic for him. But the book didn’t stop him, and something made him press the buzzer anyway.
As he brought the book to his chest, he scowled as a tear fell onto it. Why was he still crying? The execution had been hours ago. Why was he still crying? And why were they falling faster again? How come tears were still falling, and his throat was still hurting? He was doing the breathing exercises, he should be able to control his tears. They shouldn’t be painful, and they shouldn’t be out of control. What had happened wasn’t even that traumatic, was it-
A pair of arms suddenly enveloped him. It was a hug. Gently, someone pulled Kokichi towards themselves - and ignoring every instinct, Kokichi let them. He leaned into the hug, resting his head into the person's chest. Listening to their heartbeat, and trying to stop sobbing. The book he was holding had crashed to the floor, but his chest wasn’t hurting as badly anymore. It was horrible now, just uncomfortable.
For almost a minute, Kokichi let himself be in the person’s arms. Something in him was too tired to care about this. There was a part of him that was just relieved someone cared. Someone didn’t think he was a horrible monster, a villain. Someone who believed in Kokichi, even when he didn’t.
But eventually common sense came back to him, and he struggled out of the grip. They let him go without resistance, but a slightly shocked noise. A slightly sad noise. Blinking to get rid of any remaining tears, because there were some, Kokichi squinted briefly to make out who it was that had hugged him. Who was still treating him as a human, even after all he’d done. And it was Shuichi…
Shuichi was standing there, patient and kind and caring. He hadn’t questioned why Kokichi was here, or why he had been crying. He just helped. And then something in Kokichi snapped. He didn’t care about keeping up his pretence as the mastermind, and being the self-proclaimed villain. He just wanted to talk to someone. He just wanted someone… not to hate him. The words rushed out of Kokichi before he could think, “I’m sorry.”
And then, as an afterthought, “I… I don’t want to be the villain anymore.”
Shuichi looked at him for a second, understanding flickering in his eyes, “I don’t want you to be either. Do you… want to come in?”
Kokichi nodded stiffly, moving into the room and quickly looking around. It was incredibly bare, compared to his at least. Just the basics, with nothing else attached. Although Kokichi knew what his looked like wasn’t exactly normal. For once, words didn’t come easily to him, and the two sat in silence for a while. Eventually, Kokichi took a breath, only slightly wincing at how his voice sounded, “I… I regret what I’ve done. I was doing it because I thought I could end this stupid game and have us get out together as friends. And I know it was baseless - and I do have a plan, and it’s working. But everyone hating me just feels-”
“I will never hate you, Kokichi,” the interruption is soft, gentle even. Reaching slightly out, Shuichi takes Kokichi’s hand, running his thumb over the back of Kokichi’s hand. “And I forgive you… this situation is the villain, not you.”
“But-” there’s bitterness in Kokichi’s voice, and he yanks his hand back, “I’m a murderer!”
“You were scared,” Shuichi corrects, “What you did wasn’t… the best thing to do. But we’re teenagers, we’re in a death game. It isn’t us.”
“I’m still a villain.”
“Do you want to be?”
Kokichi looks up, as though shocked at the question. His choices run through his mind for a second, and he feels slightly sick, “No…”
“Then you’re not,” Shuichi says firmly, “And we’re going to fix this together.”
“Realllly?” A slight teasing tone enters Kokichi’s voice, but beneath it there’s a genuine question. Insecurity.
Shuichi just takes his hand again, with a small smile, “I promise.”