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“Hi, Wille!” Felice’s bright voice rang out over the phone. “How was London?”
“Felice, I fucked up,” Wille said. His breathing was erratic as he tried to put as much distance between himself and Simon as possible. He could still picture Simon’s surprised face as he’d run off, leaving him on the lakeside.
“What? In London? Why, what happened?” she asked, confused.
“No, not in London. Today. With Simon.”
“Simon? What—? What do you mean?”
Wille quickly clambered into the back of the car through the door that was being held open for him. He briefly looked out of the window, half expecting to see Simon running around the corner to chase after him. He was slightly disappointed when the path was empty. He shook his head hard. No, he thought, you can’t want that. It’s not fair.
Because he wasn’t allowed to want Simon to see chasing him when he’d just abandoned him in the park. He wasn’t allowed to be disappointed that Simon hadn’t run after him when his reaction to the kiss had been pretty easy to interpret.
Fuck.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. This wasn’t how he’d wanted it to go. He’d wanted Simon to kiss him, more than anything; more than he’d ever wanted anyone to kiss him in his life. But not now. Not yet. Not like this. And now it was all a mess.
“Wille?” Felice sounded worried and Wille let out a loud groan as the car started to move away.
“Simon kissed me,” he said, deciding to not beat around the bush.
Felice let out a small noise of surprise.
“Yeah,” said Wille, when she didn’t respond straight away.
“And what— what did you do?” she asked him. He hadn’t explicitly told Felice how he felt about Simon, but she wasn’t completely oblivious so he was pretty sure she had an inkling.
“Ran away,” he said.
“Oh,” she said. “Where were you?”
“In the park.”
“In public?” Felice asked, incredulity leaking into her voice.
Wille scrubbed his hand down his face. “Yeah,” he said. “We were in a pretty secluded spot. But yeah, in public.”
“Shit, Wille.”
“I know.”
She was silent for a moment. He could almost hear her chewing over what to say.
“What do I do now?” he asked.
She let out a short bark of laughter. “Sorry, Wille. I didn’t mean to— But I can’t answer that for you,” she said.
“I know,” he said. “But I’m completely panicking here and need talking down before I quit university so I never have to see him again.”
“Oh, Wille. You don’t want that.”
“No. I don’t want that. So what do I do?”
She sighed. He was used to hearing Felice’s long-suffering sighs. They were usually brought out by him. She’d known him long enough to see him make some really bad decisions; but she’d also known him long enough to know how complicated his life was. She was a good friend, and she understood him, and she understood his position about as well as anyone who was not in it could.
“What do you want to do?” she said, eventually.
Wille let out a strangled noise. “Felice! I don’t know! Please don’t therapise me! Help!”
“Where are you?” she said.
“In the car. Maybe halfway to Norway if you don’t talk me down soon.”
“Jesus Christ, Wille. Fine. Get them to bring you here, I’ll make you some coffee.”
“I might need something stronger,” he said.
“No you don’t. You want a clear head to figure this out. We’ll get shit faced later, I promise.”
“You’re a god send.”
“I know. See you soon.”
“Thanks, Felice.”
He ended the call and threw his head back against the headrest with a groan. He rubbed his eyes hard, but in the darkness behind his eyelids, all he could see was Simon looking determinedly at him before leaning in to kiss him.
“Nope,” he said out loud to himself, snapping his eyes open. He couldn’t let himself relive it, because he’d just start thinking about the million things he could have done differently. He could have stopped Simon before their lips had met, he could have not suggested the ice cream on the secluded lakeside, he could have not suggested the whole day out. Or he could have kissed him back. Nope. This was exactly why he couldn’t be thinking about it.
Yeah, but you did kiss him back, came a very unhelpful voice from the back of Wille’s head. For a split second, you nearly just let it happen.
Which was the problem. Wille had wanted it to happen so badly, that he nearly threw caution to the wind and kissed Simon on that verge without a care in the world. But the problem was that the world cared. The world cared so much about everything he did, that he couldn’t just have moments like that.
Beautiful, spontaneous moments that made his whole body tingle; moments that were pulled right out of the pages of a book. He couldn’t have those moments, because someone would take them away from him. Or twist them or dissect them or muddy them. And he didn’t want anyone to take Simon away from him.
He barely had anything that was his, but he felt like this tentative friendship he was building with Simon was his. Not because he owned Simon, not because he had any rights to Simon’s time or attention. But because Simon seemed to have chosen him. Not Crown Prince Wilhelm, but him.
Over the last few years, Wille had spent a lot of his time and energy figuring out who he was, and what being Crown Prince meant. He’d been an angry teenager, and then he’d been even angrier when Erik had died. But he’d slowly figured out that Crown Prince Wilhelm wasn’t who he was, it was just his job.
It was a job that seeped into every aspect of his life, and it was a job that made him into a reluctant celebrity. But it was still just a job. It wasn’t who he was.
It had taken him years to get comfortable with that notion, but he finally felt like he was; and Simon had come along and been the first person ever to see Wille as a full human being, and not just the cardboard cutout with the title of Crown Prince.
Obviously Felice knew the real him too, and a few of their other friends finally treated him as a person. But even Felice would admit that it had taken her a while to see him without his title. Probably until after she’d kissed him and he’d rejected her.
Oh God, he thought. I’ve done this before. Was it really insensitive to talk to Felice about this? Was it going to dredge up painful memories for her? She was adamant that she didn’t feel that way about him any more, but what if that was just to make him feel better?
Would she be really upset when he asked for advice on how to talk to Simon? Was it cruel to tell her that he actually really liked him? Was he being selfish?
Wille had run out of time to overthink as the car pulled up outside Felice’s house. She was standing at the front door with his favourite mug in her hands. He felt a surge of affection for her, but he was suddenly wishing he’d not come.
He took a deep breath and got out of the car. He walked up to Felice and let her envelop him in a tight hug.
“Come on,” she said. “Let’s sort your life out.”
He smiled weakly back at her as she led him into the house and shut the door.
Felice guided him to her sofa in the living room. Wille loved this house, he might even go as far as to say it was his favourite place on earth. Felice hadn’t been living here long, but as soon as she moved in she’d excitedly invited him over.
His security had had to do their standard sweep, but after that first day the Royal Court had okayed overnight stays without further inspection as long as he agreed to having security posted outside. It quickly became a safe haven for him; a place that he could go when the palace felt too overwhelming. It was big enough that he and Felice could exist in each other’s spaces without encroaching, but small enough that he felt safe and cosy.
“You’re neglecting your plants,” he said, indicating the drooping pots on the windowsill.
“I told you I would. But don’t change the subject before we’ve even started. Wille, what the hell happened? Didn’t you only get back from London yesterday?”
“Yeah,” he said, choosing to only answer her last question.
“I’m mortally offended that you saw Simon before you saw me,” she said, with mock indignation.
He levelled her with a look.
“Bros before hoes,” she said, solemnly.
He burst out laughing. “What the fuck, Felice? You are not a bro.”
“But Simon is a hoe?”
“Oh my God. This is not helping.” He had covered his face with his hands.
She giggled as she gently prised his wrists apart. “I’m sorry, Wille. I shouldn’t tease. I was just trying to lighten the mood, you looked like someone had died.”
“I’m having a crisis, Felice!”
“I know. And we’ll figure it out.” She laid a gentle hand on his arm. “I promise. This isn’t the disaster you think it is.”
He must have looked even more forlorn than he thought because she quickly pulled him into a hug. He squeezed her hard and sighed into her shoulder.
“It’s all messed up,” he whispered.
She carefully leaned back. “Why?” she said. “Did anyone see you?”
He shook his head. “No, it’s not that. It’s…” He trailed off. “I didn’t—” He sighed in frustration and ran a hand through his hair. He looked at her and tried to communicate what he was trying to say. “I didn’t want it to happen like that.”
Felice blinked at him a few times. She was mostly unshakable, but he could tell he’d taken her by surprise. “But…” She squinted her eyes at him. “But you did want it to happen?”
Wille could feel his cheeks heating up as he nodded his head.
Her eyebrows raised ever so slightly, but then she smiled softly at him. “You really like him?”
He nodded again. She smiled even wider and gently cupped his cheek, her eyes crinkling at the corners. Her smile was infectious and he soon found himself grinning bashfully at her.
“I should have known straight away. You’d told that ridiculous umbrella story so many times.”
“No I didn’t!”
“Yes you did. I even told Simon you’d told me too many times.”
Wille’s eyes went wide. “What? Why? Why would you tell him that?”
She shrugged. “It was cute. I didn’t realise until you were in London that he was the umbrella guy. I’d have given you way more grief about it if I’d figured it out sooner. He just said something in passing that made me realise.”
Wille’s ears pricked up. “What did he say?”
She gave him a withering look. “Seriously? You want to know what he was saying about you as if we’re fifteen? He obviously likes you, he just kissed you, remember?”
“Yes, Felice. I do remember. Thanks.” He groaned loudly. “But what if that’s why he kissed me? What if he thought— what if when he realised I’d mentioned it—”
“What? That you might be a little bit obsessed with him? I think he could figure that out without me there. You haven’t been subtle.”
Wille glared at her. “Felice, I literally just told you I like him and you were surprised. So don’t try to imply you knew all along.”
She laughed at that. “Fine. But now looking back, it was really obvious. And I did have kind of an idea. I just assumed it was a bit of an infatuation, not that you’d ever want to act on it.”
“But you didn’t say anything?”
“What would I have said? ‘Hey, Wille. That cute guy that you’ve ditched me for definitely has a thing for you. Are you going to have sex with him or—’” She yelped as Wille pushed at her.
“Felice!”
“See!” she said. “Exactly. That would have been really insensitive.”
“But it’s okay to say now?” His voice had gone alarmingly high pitched.
“Well, now at least you’ve admitted it to yourself! I didn’t want to out you to you.”
The room went quiet. The weight of her words suddenly started to sink in and he looked at her with wide eyes.
“Oh, Wille. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have— oof.” Wille had flung his arms around her and was pressing his face hard into her jumper.
She lifted her hand and started stroking his hair. He felt hot tears leaking out of the corners of his eyes. He just gripped her harder. “You knew? About me?” he whispered.
She sighed softly, her breath fanning through his hair. “I had an inkling,” she said. “But it wasn’t my place to say anything.”
“How long?”
This time she was silent for a long time; he thought she wasn’t going to answer. But then: “Since school.”
He pulled himself up so that he could look in her eyes, a small frown on his face. “Since school? But how? I didn’t even—”
She leant over to stroke his cheek. “It was just a hunch. Nothing specific. I think part of me used it as a way to get over you to be honest.”
Wilhelm pulled back out of her reach and wrapped his arms around his middle. “I’m not— We were just—”
“Hey,” she said. “It’s okay. I know you never wanted that. And I know now that I didn’t want it either. It just took me some time.”
He looked at her, his eyes melancholy and still wet. “I’m still really sorry for the way it all happened.”
She nodded. “I know. I am too. But we were teenagers, we were bound to make mistakes and do insensitive things. We got through it.”
“I’m so glad I have you,” he said, starting to cry again.
She pulled him into a hug. “Me too.” She stroked his back a few times before quipping, “But not like that. You couldn’t pay me enough now that I know what your life is like.”
He laughed wetly into her shoulder and clung on harder.
“It’s all going to go wrong isn’t it?” he said quietly.
She stayed quiet for a while. “It’s not going to be easy,” she said after a pause.
“I don’t know what to do,” he said.
She just carried on stroking the back of his head. He knew that she didn’t want to dictate what he should do, and he knew she was trying to guide him without influencing him; but he just wanted someone else to do all the thinking for him. He wanted someone else to show him all the possible options, with the pros and cons laid out neatly. And he could just say “Yes, that one, please.” and it would all be okay.
But it wasn’t all going to be okay; someone was going to get hurt. He knew the way the Royal Court worked, and he knew all the official and unofficial rules he had to follow. He sat himself back sharply, making Felice jump. He was shaking his head in small, jerky movements.
“I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I can… I don’t think it’d ever work.”
“You can’t know that, Wille.”
“I know but… Seriously, Felice. You know how this goes. Can you imagine them ever— My Mamma she would never—” He shook his head again.
“But what do you want?” she said.
“It’s not that simple.”
She sighed. “I know it’s not. But I think if you at least admit to yourself what you want, you might be able to make better decisions.”
He looked at her, he didn’t want to say something out loud that he would regret later. But this was Felice, they’d grown so much closer over the years and he should be able to tell her everything.
“I want to be able to see where this would go.”
“Okay. So why can’t you do that?”
“Felice. You know why.”
She shrugged. “I’m just saying, I’m sure if you really wanted to, you could find a way.”
He stood up and started pacing the room. “I can’t. It’d never— It’s— urgh.” He threw his head back and took a deep breath before continuing to pace. “I don’t even know him that well; even if he was a girl, this is way too soon to start thinking about long term anything.”
Felice just watched him walk back and forth as he thought out loud.
“And I have to go into everything knowing all the long term implications. I can’t even go anywhere without planning and itinerary and security checks and red tape everywhere. I’ve never been in a public relationship because the whole thing is just too much.”
“Wille…”
“And Simon doesn’t really know what he would be letting himself in for. And I’ve barely spent any time with him.”
“Wille…”
“And he doesn’t want to—”
“Wille!”
“What?”
“You’re making a lot of assumptions about Simon here. And isn’t the reason you’ve never been in a public relationship before because you’ve never actually liked someone enough to bother?”
“Yes. But—”
“And do you like Simon enough to bother?”
“Felice. I just said I don’t know. I barely know him. This is way too soon to be planning out the rest of our lives.”
Felice looked at him, an inscrutable expression on her face. “Did you kiss him back?”
He looked at her in surprise. “What?”
“When he kissed you at the park, did you kiss him back?”
“I—”
She raised her eyebrow at him.
“I told you. I ran away.”
“But did you kiss him back?”
He blinked at her a few times. “Maybe for a split second. But then I stopped.”
“You didn’t kiss me back at all.”
“But I didn’t run away.”
She stood up and gripped the tops of his arms. “I know, you panicked and didn’t know what to do. But you definitely didn’t kiss me back. It was like kissing a wall.” She chuckled under her breath. “I think you owe it to yourself to really think about this.”
He shook his head again. “I don’t think I can do it.”
She smiled sadly at him. “Okay,” she said.
“What do you mean ‘okay’?”
“I mean, it’s up to you. I can’t force you to do anything. I don’t want to force you to do anything. You’re right, it’s really soon. But I think— I really think that this is something different. And not just because Simon isn’t a Royal Court approved match. But I really think this is different for you.”
He didn’t say anything. He felt like this was different too; he didn’t think he’d ever felt like this about anyone before. If he hadn’t been Crown Prince, he was almost certain that he’d have kissed Simon back with abandon. But being Crown Prince was a part of him that he couldn’t ignore, even if it was just his job.
“I feel really bad,” he said, instead.
“What for?”
“I just left him there, Felice. He must have felt awful.”
She nodded her head but didn’t say anything.
“He must have been expecting me to… to reciprocate. Otherwise surely he wouldn’t have done it? Have I been leading him on? What should I—”
“Wille.” She stopped him with a hand on his arm. “Don’t overthink this. He probably kissed you because he likes you and he thought you liked him. Which is true. The fact that you weren’t expecting him to kiss you is kind of irrelevant.”
“He must feel terrible,” he said.
“I’m sure he does. Being rebuffed is always a blow to the ego.” She smiled at him. “But can you talk to him about it?”
Wille thought for a moment then nodded. “Yeah. I— I think I can.”
“So you’re not moving to Norway?”
He laughed. “I’m not moving to Norway.” He gave her a determined look. “I want to make it right. Even if we can’t— I don’t want to lose him.”
Her smile was small and sad. “Okay,” she said. “I’m here for you. I know it’s going to be difficult.”
He nodded. “Thanks, Felice.”
She hugged him again.
“Don’t mess it up,” she said. “He’s my only university friend too.”
He laughed. “I’ll do my best,” he said. Then after a moment: “Didn’t you promise me we could get shit-faced?”
She laughed all the way past their abandoned coffees to the drinks cabinet.
***
Wille (11.09)
Thanks for yesterday.
I feel like I’ve been run over.
But I think I needed it.
Felice (11.11)
You’re welcome.
I hope it helped.
Wille (11.12)
I think I’m just going to try to be his friend.
And forget the kiss.
Felice (11.14)
Okay.
Whatever you need.
But Wille…
Maybe don’t completely write it off yet…
Wille (11.17)
… maybe
I’ll see how talking to him goes tomorrow.
Thanks Felice.
See you tomorrow.
Felice (11.20)
See you tomorrow 😘
***
From: HKH Crown Prince Wilhelm
Sent: Sunday, 25 September 17:26
To: Farima
Subject: Meeting to discuss Royal Courting Procedure
Farima –
Please can you schedule a meeting with the relevant people to discuss the regulations surrounding royal courting procedure? I’ve read through the current document and have some questions as well as some suggestions to update and modernise the wording.
Thank you.
Wilhelm