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"Oh? Nobody?" Iruka asked with a poorly-hidden smile.
"Nobody," Naruto declared firmly once more, legs akimbo and arms crossed across his chest, his mouth pushed up into that endearing pout that always seemed to make Iruka smile secretly to himself.
"I'm not sure that's your call to make, Naruto," Kakashi drawled at his erstwhile student from behind his garish book.
Inside, though, he crumpled, because Iruka only seemed to be amused rather than in disagreement with Naruto's proclamation.
That makes sense, Kakashi told himself very logically. Naruto's not wrong.
"No! He's my Iruka-sensei, and that's why I know that nobody is good enough for him!" Naruto announced loudly enough that even Gai stopped his current soliloquy at his students to look over.
"Oh-hoh!" Gai boomed, bounding over to them. Kakashi lifted his book higher to hide more of his face. "Indeed, most Youthful Naruto-kun, Iruka-Sensei is a fantastic example of the Best and most Youthful shinobi in Konoha! Even my Greatest Rival must agree!" He gave his best Good Guy Thumbs Up™ and sparkled.
Kakashi felt himself going hot and cold under his mask, but he steadfastly kept his nose buried in his book.
"Iruka-Sensei is indeed the most Hip and Cool teacher!" Gai bellowed.
Ouch.
Kakashi slouched even more lazily than before, trying to convince himself that Gai's words didn't hurt. Because he didn't care whether he was Hip and Cool in Gai's eyes. Not even a little. Nor did he care that Iruka had begun snickering behind one hand. Nope.
Look, okay, his heart was a little pulverized, but he didn't care, okay?
"Do you not agree, Rival?!" Gai asked, and then every eye on the room landed on Kakashi.
Kakashi blinked and looked up from his book.
"What was that? Did I hear the wind blow?" he mused aloud. He promptly buried his nose back in Icha Icha, pretending to read.
Gai immediately began sobbing outrageous tears and ranting about how Hip and Cool his Greatest Rival was while Iruka colored handsomely and glared daggers at Naruto, probably because he couldn't shout at Gai.
"Naruto!" he snapped, the vein in his forehead beginning to pop out a little, and god he was cute when he was that mad. "This kind of behavior isn't appropriate at the Mission Assignment Desk! You have your mission; now go do it!"
"But Iruka-sensei!" Naruto whined, snatching the packet of mission details from Sakura and waving it violently in the air. One page tore free from the violence of Naruto's arm-waving. Kakashi caught it with his free hand without looking up from his book. "Why aren't you mad about this?!"
"Because it's a mission, Naruto!" Iruka shouted, planting a fist to the top of Naruto's head. Naruto squawked. "And I'm a shinobi, and shinobi endure!"
Kakashi drooped even more, internally.
Certainly, the mission — to find a suitable partner for a year-long mission to convince the daimyō that gay marriage should be legalized in the Land of Fire, and who better to illustrate the benefits than Konoha's top teacher? — was extremely unconventional, but to say it needed to be "endured"....
Naruto was right, though. Truly, nobody deserved Iruka's intimacy like that. And a year sharing a house and a life (And a bed, Kakashi's awful, traitorous, stupid brain unhelpfully reminded him) was intimate no matter how the two people felt about one another. Even if they were straight, which, in fairness, Iruka very well may have been. Which Kakashi's awful, traitorous, stupid brain reminded him again. And again.
Kakashi wordlessly spun on his heel and began shuffling from the room, that last mission briefing page crammed haphazardly into one pocket.
"See ya," he said, waving over his shoulder with his free hand, his good eye still squarely fixed to a page that could have been written in gibberish, for all he could read it at the moment.
"Come on, Naruto," he heard Sakura hiss, and then there was a small squabble behind him as the tiny genin tripped over one another to follow Kakashi out.
"And not a word about the mission outside this room!" Iruka shouted after them.
Kakashi sighed.
Time to go interview the men of Konoha.
Kakashi didn't have much higher hopes for their success than Naruto did.
≫♡→
One hundred and thirty-two interviews (and several meals and nights of sleep, somewhere in between all those absolutely painful interviews) later, Kakashi wilted against a training dummy while Naruto danced around in frantic rage.
"This is never going to work!" he hollered at Kakashi, who did his best to not fall over from the sheer volume of Naruto's voice. "There's nobody good enough!"
"Shut up, Naruto!" Sakura yelled, bashing him with a fist to the head and sending him tumbling. "Do you want everyone in Konoha to hear?"
"Hn," Sasuke agreed, his own arms crossed, his face thoughtfully turned down where he, like Kakashi, lounged against a training dummy. "There has to be someone who can fake chemistry with Iruka-sensei, even if he's not good enough to actually date him."
Kakashi sighed. This sucked.
"You know, Sasuke-kun has a point. Maybe we're looking at this the wrong way," Sakura said thoughtfully. "We just need someone who can and will fake chemistry with Iruka-sensei, rather than someone who's obsessed with trying to date him for real, you know?"
"What?! How could you even suggest making him be in a relationship with someone who doesn't even appreciate him?" Naruto demanded, leaping to his feet.
"It's not a real relationship, idiot," Sasuke huffed.
"You're the idiot—!"
"And maybe we could find someone who's out of Konoha a lot anyway. Then they wouldn't have to deal with each other."
"Someone who is quiet," Sakura chimed in. "And dark and mysterious and handsome!" she added with a squeal, making very obvious heart eyes at Sasuke, who ignored her.
Naruto harrumphed and crossed his arms over his chest, nodding as if he followed along.
"Someone who likes the same things Iruka-sensei does. Like teaching!"
Sasuke rolled his eyes.
"We're not trying to find him a real boyfriend, idiot," he said scornfully. "Just someone who could believably be his boyfriend."
"Someone who isn't scared by his yelling, either," Sakura pointed out. "So I think we can stop interviewing genin. They'd be too intimidated if he yelled at them."
"And nobody who'd be intimidated by the way he paces on the ceiling when he's thinking, either," Sasuke added.
Kakashi tried to look disinterested in that tidbit of information. He had thought ceiling-pacing was kind of a jōnin tendency.
"Wait, what? How do you even know he does that?" Naruto asked, blinking.
"I've seen him, duh," Sasuke said with another big eye roll. "Like, when he would be writing our exams, he would come up with all the problems in his head beforehand. You had detention enough times; you should've seen it, dobe."
"I did see him do that!" Naruto yelled, aggrieved. "He does it at home, too, dattebayo!"
"So, someone who doesn't mind footprints on the ceiling at home," Kakashi drawled, amused. "What else?"
"Hey, yeah, Kakashi-sensei, you haven't contributed any ideas!" Naruto accused, pointing dramatically at Kakashi. "What else!"
Kakashi shrugged one shoulder and smiled over his mask.
"How should I know? I barely know him," he deflected.
"A jōnin," Sasuke said firmly.
"Someone who's almost smart enough to keep up with him and dumb enough to try," Sakura said gleefully.
There was a long and disconcerting silence.
"Oh noooooo!" Naruto abruptly shrieked, clawing at his own face.
Kakashi and Sasuke blinked, startled out of their mutual stoicism, while Sakura openly gawked.
"What... just happened...?" Sakura wondered aloud.
"Not Gai-sensei!" Naruto wailed.
Kakashi winced at the mental image of a sparkly Gai giving Iruka an outrageously enormous bouquet of flowers with dolphins splashing in an ocean wave in the background, Sakura screamed shrilly and covered her own face, and Sasuke stared, white in the face.
"We never speak of that possibility again," Sasuke whispered.
"Agreed," Sakura whimpered.
"Okay," Naruto sobbed from the ground. "Okay."
Kakashi let out a long exhale.
"On the other hand...."
All three genin tackled him to the ground, each of them wrestling to cover his mouth.
"No!"
"He'd make it look real—"
"No, Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto screamed into his ear, jarring Kakashi thoroughly. "Iruka-sensei would never be able to pretend with those— those— monlagways! Dattebayo!"
"Monologues," Sakura corrected. "Naruto's right. Iruka-sensei loves displays of affection — shut up, Naruto, I'm talking about when he hangs out with you—"
"Eeewwwww, what? No!"
"Not like that!" Sakura yelled, smacking Naruto pinwheeling across the field. "I just mean he's not, like, secretive when he cares about people, you know? But that's with kids, not with other grown-ups. He's always so serious and professional with grown-ups."
"Except when he's yelling at Kakashi-sensei," Sasuke deadpanned.
Kakashi winced. It was one time. One time! And okay, sure, it had been in front of nearly every jōnin of Konoha and quite a few chūnin, too, but still!
"Wait."
Everything stopped as all three boys — er, two boys and one man — turned to look at Sakura, who had leaned back, her eyes going wider and wider by the second.
"Someone who's quiet and mysterious."
"Aren't those basically the same thing?" Kakashi asked unhelpfully.
Sakura didn't even look at him.
"Someone who's not intimidated by his yelling," she mumbled.
"Right," Naruto said, nodding.
"Someone who doesn't mind that he paces on the ceiling."
"Hn," came Sasuke's contribution.
"A single jōnin who's out of Konoha a lot."
Naruto nodded twice, humming agreement.
"Someone who isn't obsessed with dating Iruka-sensei."
"Obviously," Sasuke agreed, and all of them winced as they thought about some of their interviewees. Some of them had been... enthusiastic.
"Someone who likes ramen, so they can eat at Ichiraku together," Sakura recited from their earlier list, "who can cook, who can handle how much coffee Iruka-sensei drinks, who isn't a late-night partier and who won't disrupt Iruka-sensei's sleep schedule."
Naruto nodded again.
"And? That's what we've already been looking for, Sakura-chan!"
"Someone who also has a good reputation—"
"Hn."
"And who won't mind us dropping by sometimes."
"And me all the time!" (Naruto. Naturally.)
"Someone who's almost smart enough to keep up with him and dumb enough to try," Sakura hissed.
There was another long moment of silence.
Sasuke's eyes began widening.
They went wider. And wider.
Creepily perfectly timed, he and Sakura slowly swivelled to stare at Kakashi.
"What? What about all those things?" Naruto broke in loudly, staring from one to the other and back again.
Kakashi felt himself break into a cold sweat.
"No. No way. Absolutely not," he said.
≫♡→
"Well, look at it this way, at least you won't have to pay for an apartment you don't even stay at," Iruka said consolingly, patting Kakashi on the back of the gloved hand.
Kakashi shivered, chills racing up his arm at the innocent touch.
"Yes, because that was my biggest concern," he drawled as lazily as he could manage. His hands trembled as he counted out cash to pay for both of their bowls of ramen. Their first date. Not-date.
"And it's only for a year," Iruka tried.
"Which may well be the rest of my life, based on the kinds of missions I go on," Kakashi retorted dryly. "No, I'll pay, don't worry about it."
"A— ah. Thanks."
They were quiet for a moment until Kakashi laid the pile of bills on the counter.
"And we don't hate each other," Iruka mused.
Kakashi's head whipped around and he stared at Iruka.
"...We... don't?" he asked, gawking a little.
Iruka shrugged.
"No, we don't. Now come on, we need to put your name on the lease so I can get back to work."
"R— right," Kakashi finally managed to choke out, sliding awkwardly off his stool and stumbling after Iruka like a gangly puppy that didn't know quite where its feet were.
Someone who's not obsessed with Iruka-sensei, Kakashi reflected morosely to himself. Right. But honestly, it wasn't like he was going to confess to his genin. Come on, now!
And he definitely wasn't going to confess his feelings to Iruka-sensei, especially not after Iruka-sensei agreed to fake-date Kakashi. For a year. While sharing an apartment. (And a bed, Kakashi's awful, traitorous, stupid brain unhelpfully reminded him.)
≫♡→
"I think this is a terrible idea because I really like you, like, like-like, and I know you're just faking this but I don't think I can do it for a year because Naruto was right and nobody's good enough for you and what if I fall in love with you and I think I already have?" Kakashi's awful, traitorous, stupid mouth unhelpfully blurted that very same night, immediately after they entered their shared apartment together for the first time.
"Oh!" Iruka said, startled. "...Oh."
They stared at each other, all the blood draining from Kakashi's face and rising in Iruka's.
"Oh I just remembered, I have to go challenge Gai to find out firsthand the most interesting ways to be eviscerated by S-class missing-nin, so—" Kakashi blathered, making the hand sign for a shunshin.
He immediately forgot how to mold chakra. Having Iruka's lips crushed against his mask apparently did that to him.
"...Okay," he whimpered inanely as Iruka drew back with the brightest smile Kakashi had ever seen on him. "Y— yeah. O... okay." Yep, he was an idiot. "Yes. ...Right, okay."
"Oh, this is going to be the best mission ever," Iruka all but sang, and he reeled Kakashi back in.