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The Splinter Clan had just wrapped up a late night martial arts lesson. Many of the students and the younger ones’ parents stayed late, indulging in small talk. Leo had been enjoying a conversation about gardening with several others as they shared tips and stories. He even got to show off a few of his thriving plants to them—the first time he really showed off anything other than his fighting skills during a practice, now that he thought about it. A strange feeling had started to swirl into the pride he felt as that thought crossed his mind. If his smile had wavered then, no one had spotted it. The last of the students were finally trickling out of the dojo as the clan finished cleaning up.
Jenny had scooped up a half-asleep Lita and the weasels and carried them off to the children’s bedroom.
Donnie was about to sneak back to his room when Mikey had grabbed him by the arm. He and Mona were going to be promoting the school they were setting up on Mikey’s radio show soon and the orange turtle wanted the other to help plan. Slightly begrudging but amused, Donnie allowed himself to be dragged towards Mikey’s room instead.
That left just Leo, Raph, and Alopex. The strange feeling in Leo’s chest wasn’t going away, and he knew he had to go out to get fresh air. He put the last of the training equipment away, then made his way towards the staircase.
“I’m going on the roof to check the greenhouse,” he tried to say as nonchalantly as possible. He cursed himself when his voice had wavered ever so slightly, barely noticeable—but just enough for his surprisingly observant hothead of a brother to catch it. Thank goodness it was Raph, though. He probably wouldn’t follow him, what with him feeling awkward about sentimentality.
And so here Leo was now. Not in the greenhouse, but sitting on the edge of the roof of their building as he watched the sparse late night activity on the street below. He breathed purposefully as he tried to work out the strange knot in his stomach. It wouldn’t budge.
“Hey, you okay up here?” Leo snapped his head around as someone approached him from behind.
“Alopex!” Leo exclaimed, though careful not to raise his voice too high, “What’re you doing up here?”
Alopex smiled, “Raph wanted me to check on you. He said you seemed off. He’s too baby to admit it but he was worried about you.”
“Ah, yeah, that sounds about right,” Leo forced a small smile and laugh.
Alopex quirked her head to the side, ear flicking, “Man, I couldn’t tell in the dojo but you really are feeling off, huh? I wasn’t even trying to sneak up on you and somehow I did. Totally going to gloat about it later, by the way.”
She closed the distance between them and settled next to Leo. The turtle turned his head back toward the street. She nudged him playfully, “We were trained better than that, Mr. Ninja Clan Leader!”
Though he knew she was joking around, Leo’s heart twisted at the nickname. He couldn’t manage a fake laugh again, and his face soured a bit. Alopex caught this, and her mischievous expression wrinkled into one of worry.
“I’m sorry, I was trying to lighten the mood. Are you alright?”
“You’re fine, Alopex,” Leo reassured, “Just got some stuff on my mind right now, is all.”
“Like what?”
Leo slumped his shoulders and sighed, “I dunno. I’m just—thinking. About life…about my father.”
Alopex’s ears drooped down a bit somberly, “Do you want to talk about it?”
“I’m not even sure what to say,” Leo said, shaking his head and closing his eyes in concentration, “Something is wrong with me, I think. Something is wrong with the way I’m grieving.”
“There’s many different ways to grieve, Leo,” Alopex spoke softly as she placed a hand on Leo’s carapace.
“Is…Is it wrong to…Is it bad that I–” Leo stammered uncharacteristically, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed his words back down, “Nevermind, forget it.”
“No, tell me,” the fox encouraged, leaning in a bit closer to the turtle.
Leo paused briefly, hesitantly. He stared blankly at the activity on the sidewalk below them, and then quietly said, “Is it bad that I…felt relieved when he died?”
Silence settled between them. When Alopex said nothing, Leo immediately regretted his words. He bit down on the inside of his cheek, silently cursing himself for saying something so horrible. The horrible, wretched truth.
Right as he was about to decide to leave, Alopex ran slow, comforting circles around his shell. “Care to elaborate?” she prompted, voice calm and nonjudgmental.
Leo swallowed again nervously, “Don’t get me wrong, the days after he passed were one of the worst of my life. We were all broken. I missed him, so much. My father was dead. But…at the same time…a part of me thought that now, I won’t have to see him become less and less like the father I loved. He could no longer…change. He died before he could become a total stranger to me—before our relationship grew so strained it was beyond repair. And that…relieved me.”
“Mm,” Alopex hummed, listening closely.
“But that wasn’t the only part that relieved me,” Leo continued, now lost in his thoughts, “Even at his best, I don’t think—I don’t think my father saw me as anything other than an extension of him. I devoted my life to ninjutsu, studying the katana and martial arts, meditation, our clan…And I do enjoy those things. But I…never had the choice.”
“He never asked me if that’s what I wanted to do. Never tried to offer me the opportunity to indulge in other things too deeply. I had to be the…the perfect soldier for him since I was born. At first, I used gardening to get my mind off of everything, escape from it all. But I love it, Alopex. I love gardening…would I have loved it any sooner if my dad let me? Would I not only now be discovering who I am outside of my duties, as a person , at nineteen if he…died sooner?”
Leo put his head in his hands, “That was terrible. That was a terrible thing for me to say.”
“No, Leo, that’s how you feel. I don’t think that’s a bad thing to feel,” Alopex said quickly, “I was there for a good chunk of when Master Splinter was the head of the Foot Clan. I saw how difficult your relationship with him was getting.”
“Sometimes I wonder if I’m still under Kitsune’s influence, and that’s why I have these horrible thoughts about my father,” Leo mumbled, his face still buried in his hands. Even though they broke the spell, Leo never really saw Master Splinter the same way after that. He never admitted it to anyone and if his family saw they made no comment on it, but when they returned to New York, he kept his Foot armor in his room. A new addition to the few possessions he owned. It was meant to serve as a reminder of how lost he almost became, the suffering his family had helped him overcome.
Yet, it also reminded him of when he had begun to see his life in a new light. Before being abducted by the Foot, he served his father without question. He followed his teachings to a T, found comfort in the endless katas and meditation sessions. After being rescued, he wondered how his life was really any different. Foot ninja or Hamato, he was a weapon crafted to be used by whoever he swore loyalty to. At first, in Northampton, the sameness of it all angered him. He resented both of his masters for what became of him. Shredder or Splinter, the two of them ended up killing him one way or another. He would never be the same person he once was.
Alopex’s voice took Leo away from his thoughts, “I understand. Trusting people has been so hard since Kitsune. She left a mark on us that will never really go away.”
Leo laughed sadly, “Yeah. She did.”
“But I don’t think these feelings came from Kitsune, Leonardo,” Alopex said. Leo finally brought his head up and looked at the arctic fox.
She nudged him gently, not breaking eye contact, “They’re not horrible. They’re yours.”
“Not the perfect, obedient chunin Leonardo’s feelings,” she pressed a finger to Leo’s plastron, over his heart, “But Leo’s. Just Leo’s. Yours. ”
“You only think they’re horrible because that’s what chunin Leonardo thinks. The perfect weapon, questioning the morals of his master? While we were both Foot, we knew that was an offense punishable by execution…And when your father became head of the Foot, I could see that you were trying to push your doubts away.”
Leo remained silent, listening to Alopex.
“But you don’t have a master anymore. For the first time in your life, you’re free to just be Leo. Not a weapon. Not a soldier. What’s so horrible about that?”
“Nothing, I suppose,” Leo mumbled.
“Exactly. So wishing that you could just be Leo any sooner than now isn’t a horrible wish. And Leo,” Alopex’s eyes were filled with an intense emotion as she looked at the turtle, making sure he heard her words, “I’m sorry your father had to die for you to finally be free to just be you .”
Leo’s composure finally began to crack at that. His eyes watered as he sucked in a shaky breath. Alopex moved without hesitation, wrapping her soft arms around his neck and gently cradling his head in the crook of her neck. He sobbed openly into her, his tears seeping into her white fur. She brought a hand up to the back of his head and pet it slowly and comfortingly.
“I miss him,” Leo sobbed, “I miss him so much it hurts.”
“I know,” Alopex whispered close to him, “He would be so proud of you, Leo.”
And Leo—just Leo , not Leonardo the weapon or the soldier—sighed softly as he relaxed into Alopex’s fur and closed his eyes, because he believed her.