Archive of Our Own

Seven years ago

It’s more for him, the first time he and his son make their way out into the fading evening sky. They bundle up warm against the chill in the evening air. Or rather he bundles Lucas up against the cold. Puts him in his tiny romper and pulls on a bobble hat Hailey had bought him the week before. He’s fairly certain the bobble on top of it is as big as his head, but she was right - he does look damn cute.

Jay just throws on his sports coat and he can almost hear Hailey affectionately calling him an idiot under her breath as he does it. Almost. She, like Lucas, would be well bundled up right now.

It’s only two nights. Two nights that she’ll be gone for the case and ever since they’ve been together, it’s been hard when one of them doesn’t come home to rest beside the other at night but it’s especially hard now they have Lucas.

Jay has had to do it twice in the last ten months since Lucas Alexander Halstead made his way into the world and it was a different kind of ache being away from his son and not being able to contact him. Knows it’s something he’ll never quite grow accustomed to.

But tonight, tonight is the first time that Hailey has had to do it. They’d gone back and forth over whether she would do it. Or rather Hailey had and he’d listened. He could see both sides. See why she felt so torn and in the end they’d decided to try it. Go for it and see. If she didn’t want (though want might be the wrong word) to do it again, then they wouldn’t. Hailey would talk to Voight and that would be that.

So it’s hard, it just being the two boys in the apartment tonight. And it’s not like Jay isn’t a hands on dad because he absolutely is and the fact is he has Lucas a lot on his own because of their schedules. He’s always hated how he’s overheard men talk about being stuck ‘babysitting’ their kids.

Lucas is his child. He’s part him and part Hailey and he may be a little bias, but his son is amazing and spending time with him is a gift not a chore.

He’s not entirely sure what his plan is bar a change of scenery. Home feels a little empty knowing she’s not returning tonight.

He carries Lucas down to the truck and buckles him into his car seat. God, it used to take him forever to do it right when they first brought him home from the hospital and then he’d have to check and re-check everything until Hailey teased him.

He still triple checks everything now but he thinks, hopes, he’s more subtle about it.

He tickles his boy’s belly making him laugh showing his increasingly toothy smile before he sets off.

Driving has always oddly soothed Jay and being in the car seems to do the same for his son too. He often drifts off in his car seat but tonight he’s wide awake, babbling away in the back seat when Jay glances in his rear-view mirror.

He parks up and unclips his boy who smiles at the sight of him. It will never not make Jay’s heart sing.

He hoists him up into his arms and wanders down alongside the water’s edge. His son content to just be in his dad’s arms.

Lucas giggles as he so often does when Jay talks to him and holds him near his face.

Hailey always says he’s a daddy’s boy and it warms Jay’s heart but he’s not so sure it’s true when he looks down at Lucas and sees so much of Hailey. The bright blonde hair and his big, blue eyes. He’s made a bet with Hailey that he’ll inherit her dimples too.

He’s got fifty dollars riding on it and something else that he won’t think about around his boy but is something the winner will very much enjoy.

Jay breathes out a heavy exhale as he comes to a halt and leans against the railings taking in the sky. It’s gorgeous. The kind of sky Hailey likes to take photos of on her phone when they used to walk back to the car after grabbing dinner together or when she’d go out for a run if they finished work at a reasonable hour.

Orange and pink mingle in amongst the clouds. Jay thinks really that, at the age of thirty-seven, he should know the names of the types of clouds that are scattered through the evening sky, but he doesn’t.

What he does know is that the worry he feels for his wife, for his son’s mom, deep in his bones feels a little soothed. The edges of his fear becoming a little softened like the clouds as the two of them stand gazing at the impossible colours of the sky.

Lucas shifts in his arms and a hand comes up to pat at Jay’s cheek.

‘Oof,’ Jay laughs and of course that makes Lucas laugh too as he babbles happily away. He’s so close. So close to his first word and he and Hailey are absolutely those parents who talk about it every day.

They have a bet on that too.

Lucas grabs at his little romper suit. His perfectly chubby fingers attempting to grasp at the tigers that adorn the navy suit but he’s thwarted by the mittens covering his hands.

The suit a gift from Aunt Vanessa in the mail and of course LA is the place to make snow suits with tigers on. But Vanessa’s note had made them both laugh. ‘Be fierce little baby Halstead. Just like your Momma.’

And the suit is probably still a little too big for him, the mittens certainly are, but it’s warm and he looks, in Hailey’s words, adorable in it. Jay’s not about to disagree.

Jay lifts the boy’s hands to his mouth and kisses them only for Lucas to point back to the tigers and then Jay glances back at the sky.

Maybe it’s coincidence or maybe his boy is a genius, but the sky does look a little tiger striped this evening.

And he thinks it’s fitting really. Hailey is exactly as Vanessa described. She’s got this. She’s absolutely got this, but he thinks it’s only fitting that a fierce tiger sky can also be beautiful. It’s Hailey in a nutshell.

‘Come on, little bud,’ Jay says holding up his phone. He snaps a couple of photos of the sky for Hailey and then snaps one of the two of them with the sky in the background.

Jay is squinting a little in the fading light and Lucas’ hand is once more on Jay’s cheek, but he sends it anyway. Sends it because they’re both smiling. Because they both love her. Sends it despite knowing her phone is in the drawer of her nightstand.

But she’ll see it when she’s home and she’ll know. Know how much they both love her. Miss her.

Your boys love you 💙💙

————

6 years ago

It’s almost a year to the day that Hailey had last had to go undercover in a way that takes her away from their home when she has to do it once more. Adam and her both. They’d needed a couple to go under for a few days. Be the new faces in the neighbourhood to root out who their foe actually is.

The case in itself is slippery.

And he feels better about it this time because Adam is with her. She has someone watching her six.

And it’s a strange thing that there are in fact two couples within the Intelligence Unit and yet it’s Adam and Hailey going under. It can’t actually be one of the couples right now. Not anymore. Not with them both having children.

And Hank had called it this way this time so here they are.

Or rather here Jay and Lucas are eating dinner in the apartment. And by eating dinner, he means Lucas is entertainingly getting his pasta sauce just about everywhere except in his mouth, but his smile is wide and free. His eyes shining with happiness and Jay doesn’t much care for the mess right now.

Not when a little over an hour ago when he’d picked him up from daycare there had been tears rolling down his cheeks for his momma. Plenty of tears that made Jay’s heart twist in his chest.

And it had taken about half an hour for him to fully settle down cuddled up into Jay’s chest on the couch with his favourite cartoon playing in the background as Jay whispered that Daddy was here. That he was okay.

But he gets it. He misses Hailey too and it’s been a little better this time since she’s been able to call a couple of times.

But it’s still hard. This part of the job is harder now whether you’re the one undercover or the one at home.

‘You all done?’ he asks Lucas and he takes the way he’s now just tracing his finger through the sauce on the tray making shapes as a yes. ‘Let’s get you cleaned up and then let’s go outside, hey? You want to go to the park?’

His boy’s face lights up. He loves being outside and if he’s honest, Jay kind of loves that fact too because he knows that’s part of him. That he was like that growing up.

‘Park!’ Lucas repeats gleefully as Jay wipes his hands clean.

‘Yep, but we gotta get you cleaned up first, bud.’

It’s kind of late by the time they get there but routine goes out the window when your mother is undercover pretending to be a housewife interested in distributing drugs and your boy comes home sobbing from daycare.

Or that’s what Jay tells himself at least.

He whizzes him down the slide a couple of times when they get there. It seems to be his favourite thing at the park these days. Jay laughs because his puffer jacket makes him stop safely at the bottom of the slide each time and he swears there’s a frown on Lucas’ face that he can’t go faster or fly off the end and yeah, that might be something he’s inherited from him too.

‘Two more,’ Jay says looking up as the sun sinks in the sky. He nods so Lucas nods and it never fails to make him laugh.

Maybe Hailey has a point. Maybe he is a mini-Jay wrapped up in a male-version of a Hailey.

As if on cue, his phone rings and he lifts Lucas from the top of the slide and into his arms. He’s about to protest when Hailey’s face swims into view.

God, she’s gorgeous.

He knows this always but sometimes it just hits him afresh and seeing her smile through the screen right now with a fresh face and wet hair from the shower does just that.

‘Hi, how are Momma’s boys?’

‘Momma, momma,’ Lucas grins reaching for the phone to pat at Hailey’s face through the screen.

‘Oh hi there, munchkin,’ Hailey grins. Her words soft as they always are for her boy.

Jay listens to her talking to Lucas and he feels better than he has all day watching the two of them interact through the phone screen.

‘You boys gone in search of a tiger sky?’ she asks and her question directed towards him pulls his focus back.

The tiger sky phrasing had stuck. The photo Jay had taken of he and Lucas last year is front and centre on the inside of Hailey’s locker.

‘It’s not quite a tiger sky but it’s still pretty nice, right buddy?’

Lucas giggles as Jay turns them both round and round in a circle so Hailey can see the sky but it’s also so it can make them both laugh. His boy in his arms and his girl the other end of the phone.

‘You both okay?’ Hailey asks quietly.

‘This one was missing you earlier. Needed a couch cuddle for a while but we’ve had messy pasta and the park and now he’s seen you, so I think the evening’s turned around.’

She tilts her head at him in understanding. A slightly sad smile on her face. They both know how hard this is but it’s their life and they wouldn’t change it for the world.

‘Are you okay?’ he asks.

‘I miss you both but I’m okay. We’re getting close. I’m motivated to get home and so is Adam and it might also be because I am kicking his ass at our Bananagrams competition that we have in an evening when we’re both being sad idiots missing home.’

Jay huffs out a laugh. ‘We’ll be here waiting for you. You know that. Just be safe. Don’t rush and –‘

‘Don’t rush and get hurt. I know,’ she says softly. Understandingly.

And now the flush to her cheeks from her shower has worn off, he can see how tired she looks. ‘You okay. You look pale?’

‘Thanks, husband.’

‘Hey, you know that’s not what I meant.’

She runs a hand through her hair. Shifts so she’s sat cross-legged on the bed. ‘Just tired, I think. You know when you just have those weeks where you’re already shattered before you even start and then just being away from home…that’s all. I’m okay.’

Her eyes settle on his through the phone. ‘I love you. I should probably get this little guy home though.’

‘Of course. I love you both too.’

‘Wanna watch him do one more slide?’

Hailey laughs through the phone and then protests when Jay goes to give him a nudge from the top of the slide with no way to stop him at the bottom as he stands filming him from the top.

‘It’s all good, Hails. He’s going nowhere,’ he explains and the smile in his voice seems to halt Hailey’s concerns that he’s going to push their son down what is quite a sizeable slide with nobody at the bottom to collect him.

‘Okay, shall we show Momma how you slide?’

‘Slide, Momma!’ Lucas is sitting proudly at the top of the slide kicking his little feet in eagerness.

‘Yeah. One, two, three,’ Jay says before he gives Lucas the nudge he needs.

He keeps the phone screen trained on his back as Lucas scoots down the slide and gets stuck at the bottom by his puffer coat.

Hailey bursts out laughing when she realises what’s happened and because she’s laughing, Lucas laughs.

He cranes his neck searching for his mom and dad and the sky mottles behind him. A haze of orange and pink in amongst the clouds.

‘Jay,’ Hailey breathes. ‘Take a photo.’

Jay switches to take a photograph of his son’s smiling face at the bottom on the slide. The sky ablaze in the background.

‘Tiger sky,’ Jay says quietly.

Lucas repeats the phrase back but he drops half his consonants and it makes them both laugh. It’s the thought that counts.

It’s the love.

Jay sends the photo to Hailey.

Your boys love you 💙💙

And they can’t do photos on desks - too many offenders have the potential to see them - but that photo of Lucas grinning in front of a tiger sky makes its way into both of their lockers this time around.

————

4 years ago

Hailey hadn’t in fact been just tired when she and Adam were posing as the Robsons last year. Hailey had, as it turns out, been three weeks pregnant. Only she didn’t realise it until a few weeks later and then sometime late on in that year, along came Matilda Rose Halstead.

He has a daughter.

He has a son and a daughter and a beautiful wife and sometimes he thinks back to the lost boy he’d been when he’d come home from his second tour all those years ago and he wishes he could tell him it will all be worth it.

All of it would all be worth it for just a second with those three. With his family.

Matilda is everything. He looks at her now where he stands in the doorway to her room. Unable to resist checking in on her though their girl is fast asleep. Whilst Lucas and sleep had been a bumpy road, his sister sleeps enough for the two of them. He itches to run a hand through her dark hair, but he won’t. She needs her sleep. She’s growing at a rate of knots it seems. Growing up far too quickly in his eyes. They both are.

She has Hailey’s eyes too and it’s a fact he loves. That every time he looks at his children, her eyes stare back at him. And he’s made another bet that Hailey’s dimples are going to make another appearance.

His little girl is beautiful and smart. She’s so smart. She watches. She’s a watcher.

She watches her big brother always. Her eyes are almost exclusively trained on Lucas and what he’s up to and Lucas, well, he takes his big brother duties very seriously.

His phone these days is just an endless stream of photos of the two of them and the three of them when Hailey doesn’t manage to escape being in the photo with some excuse about looking crappy and tired.

She could never look crappy if she tried.

And she’s beautiful even when she’s tired.

They’re always tired now. Life as a family of four is, well it’s something akin to magic. But it is exhausting. It’s something Jay had let himself dream of when he and Hailey finally got together. It was a dream that seemed to take shape when they talked of their future and sometimes now he has to pinch himself when he comes home to find the three of them playing together in the lounge or to find Hailey making dinner with Matilda on her hip and Lucas sat colouring, talking a mile a minute at the kitchen table.

They’re his greatest achievement. Always will be.

He wasn’t sure if it would get easier with time: being away from them for work. Easier as it became more familiar knowing that whether it was he or Hailey who were away, that they would come home. Home to them.

And so it wasn’t that he imagined that leaving their daughter would be any easier than leaving their son, but they’d both maybe thought that they’d feel a little more used to it this time around.

Turns out they were wrong.

It feels twice as hard despite knowing they can get through it. Twice as hard leaving two smiling little faces behind.

And it’s mainly been him the last couple of years. Mainly been him who’s been away from home for various reasons. Some undercover work but often for meetings and conferences too and it’s a side of the job he’s pushed away for a long time but it’s happening. He’s taking the sergeant’s exam and, in many ways, he’s really been running the unit for a while now but it still feels like a big deal. A huge responsibility. And though he knows he’ll always be a man of action, he’s gaining a sense of respect for the other side of it all too.

Hailey’s been gone for three days.

The partner she’s worked briefly with in New York at the FBI had called. Called asking for help with a case that needed UC work and ideally needed it to be someone from Chicago.

And he’d known from the look on her face that she’d take it. That the team wouldn’t have called her if they’d not truly needed her. She keeps in touch with the guy she’d partnered with out there from time to time. He knows she has two young children at home. Jay knows he wouldn’t have asked her if he didn’t think it needed to be Hailey.

But the no contact is hard. Hard for him. Hard for the kids. Lucas in particular who now understands more of what’s going on. He knows his mom is off getting the bad guys, but he also knows what missing her is like.

He’d come home from school with a fistful of drawings for her this afternoon for when she gets home.

They’re pretty screwed up given he’d clutched them in his little hands but the drawings are actually pretty good. Jay had handed him a magnet or two and told him to put them on the fridge when they got home.

He finds his boy sat on the couch where he’d left him curled up in his pyjamas with a sticker book open on his lap.

‘Look, Daddy. I put it so Captain America is hanging upside down like Spider-Man.’

Jay chuckles. He has in fact done just that.

‘Come on, bud. Time for bed.’

He closes his sticker book and tosses it onto the sofa next to him.

‘Can I have two stories tonight?

‘Yeah, kid. You can.’

‘Yes!’

He watches his son scamper off to his room still full of energy and Jay thinks it might take more than a couple of stories to get him to drift off.

His eyes land on the drawings on the fridge once more as he turns to follow him. Smiles at the one that’s half covered by another already.

Smiles at the orange-tinged sky.

————

3 and a half years ago

‘She spoils it!’

‘Whoah, hey. What’s your sister spoiling?’

‘The tiger sky.’

‘Hey, she’s not spoiling it,’ Jay says softly.

‘Is too.’

And it’s unlike Lucas to be stroppy. Sure, he’s four and a half and has his moments but he loves Mati. One of Jay’s favourite things is seeing the love between his son and his daughter. They look so alike. So like their mom.

But there is frustration on his boy’s face right now that is very genuine whether Jay quite understands it or not.

He watches as Lucas turns away from where Jay stands with Mati in his arms and heads for the couch.

He picks his phone up off the island and dials.

‘Did you think I spoiled things for you when we were growing up?’

‘Hi and also yes. Absolutely. A solid eighty percent of the time.’

‘Harsh.’ Though really, he’s not all that surprised by Will’s words.

‘You were a particularly annoying little brother. Mati will have a way lower percentage.’

Jay pinches a hand between his brows. Grateful though that his brother seems to realise why he’s asking. Glances to where his son is studiously looking away from him and the sigh that escapes him is heavy.

‘You doing okay over there?’ Will asks.

‘Oh, yeah. Just Lucas wants to go tiger sky hunting since Hailey’s gone and all, but Mati still isn’t all that well and it’s cold out. I might just put them both in the car. The motion might set her off to sleep anyway and then Lucas can still do his spotting.’

Jay leans down to press a kiss to his little girl’s forehead as she shifts in his arms where her head rests against his shoulder. Thankful it’s a much better temperature than it was earlier in the week.

His brother’s response is quick through the phone.

‘I’ll be ten minutes.’

‘Will, you don’t need to -‘

‘I’m coming.‘

Jay smiles as he hangs up the phone. Thinks that this is what it means to be a sibling at times. God, there were so many times he and Will fell out growing up. A few times as adults too. But they show up for one another - always.

Will comes through the door about a quarter of an hour later and squeezes Jay’s shoulder before pressing a kiss to Mati’s head.

‘Where’s my best nephew?’ Will calls out.

‘Uncle Will!’ Lucas comes hurtling towards Will holding his fist out to bump against Will’s.

‘What are we watching?’ Will asks him and Jay watches his son lead them over to the couch.

He turns back toward the kitchen giving them a couple of minutes. Sets Matilda down in her seat as he tidies up the kitchen from dinner.

‘Hey, man,’ Jay says as Will appears in the doorway.

‘I got her if you wanna go talk to him. Kid is something else,’ Will smiles.

Jay sits down on the coffee table facing Lucas.

‘You okay, bud?’

‘Sorry, Dad’

‘What are you sorry for?’ he asks quietly.

And it’s a Hailey thing - asking why someone is sorry. It’s a smart thing but he also knows it’s as a result of what her life was like growing up. That I’m sorry’s meant nothing. Were empty words and he’s watched her lovingly explain to her boy why she’s sorry each time whether it be that they haven’t been able to have ice cream for dinner or if she’s been later home than she thought and has missed a bedtime.

Has watched her caringly ask it of Lucas if he’s said sorry for things and the kid is so damn smart and kind that his apologies are already genuine. Articulate.

‘Sorry for shouting about Mati when she’s poorly.’

‘That’s really kind of you. And smart to think about that. You’re a really good big brother,’ Jay tells him.

‘That’s what Uncle Will said too.’

And there’s a small smile on his face now that wasn’t there a few minutes ago.

Jay pulls him into a hug and ruffles his hair.

‘I love you, Daddy.’

His boys words muffled against his neck make his heart swell. There’s not a time that they won’t and he knows Lucas must still be feeling a little upset because he’s definitely ‘Dad’ with him more than he’s ‘Daddy’ these days.

‘Love you, Lucas,’ Jay tells him squeezing him tighter.

‘Hey,’ he says when he shifts Lucas back a bit. Brushes the hair out of his eyes. He needs to book him a haircut. ‘You fancy going to see if we can find a tiger sky with Uncle Will?’

‘But Mati is poorly.’

‘Your sister is okay bud, but I think she might need to stay in the car with me and look out the window. You and Uncle Will can go exploring.’

Lucas looks up at him with those big blue eyes as Jay stands to his feet. 

‘Do you think Mati would like my tiger suit?’

‘To wear?’

‘Yeah. So she can be a tiger even if she’s a bit poorly still.’

This kid. How the hell did he get so lucky?

‘I think she’d love her big brother for that.’

‘Cool.’

Jay turns to see Will in the doorway with Matilda tucked into his side.

‘Come on,’ Will says handing her over to Jay as she reaches for her dad. ‘Lets me and you get our things so your dad can sort Matilda out,’ Will says poking Lucas alternately on each shoulder to make him laugh and move forward.

It takes a few minutes but he finds the tiger snowsuit at the back of Lucas’ wardrobe. He’s not entirely sure why it hadn’t made its way into Matilda’s clothing. Thinks this is probably a call of Hailey’s, like so many others, that she’s gotten right.

That she knew Lucas might not have been too happy about it.

And Vanessa had managed to track down the suit again. Sent them the next size up when Hailey must have let slip about tiger skies to her at some point.

He’s grateful now though because the larger suit just about fits Matilda and he’s so glad to see the smile on his little girl’s face again after she’s felt so rotten this week.

He’d played it down to Hailey on the phone but he’d been worried. Worried and endlessly grateful he knows half the staff at Chicago Med and that Will is essentially their on-call doctor twenty-four hours a day.

Hailey is in LA. Not work related this time. Vanessa had been hurt on a case. Hurt badly. Could see in Hailey’s eyes that she didn’t think her friend was giving her the whole story on the phone. Could see her concern for what she thinks her friend may have been omitting.

‘You look cool, Mati,’ Lucas says in earnest when Jay and Mati come back out into the lounge to find Will and Lucas ready at the door.

‘She looks very cool,’ Will agrees.

They head out and find somewhere to park up. Will hops out with Lucas and Jay watches from the truck with Matilda in his arms. Sees Will make Lucas jump from behind as he’s looking up at the sky and his boy squeals in glee.

After about fifteen minutes or so, the two of them come back over to the truck and Jay takes a photo of the four of them with the amber skies in the background. Matilda nodding off in his arms and Lucas grinning sat on Will’s shoulder.

He sends the photo to Hailey before he’s even put the truck in drive.

Our kids are amazing 💙 💛 They’re also amazingly cute

I agree, Will is like our third child. Though I don’t know how cute he is.

Uncle Will saved the day tonight

Her reply comes quick.

You all okay?

We’re good. Promise.

I love you all

We love you too

I love you

Phone me later. Miss your voice

It’s been about six hours

Don’t care. Still miss it. Miss you

Also, yes. They’re amazingly cute

————

Six months ago

He’s on his knees. The last three days have tested him in ways he wishes he didn’t know existed.

Hailey is asleep in the bed beside him. Asleep in a hospital bed.

He studies her face with care. There’s less pain etched between her brows. Less pain than yesterday. Less pain than the day before that. Less pain than this morning in fact.

And they’ve been so careful. God, they’ve begged and promised one another to be careful for years now and that’s not a lack of trust in the other’s ability. It’s love. It’s being a husband. Being a wife.

Now being a parent.

And he thinks, deep down, they’d both always assumed it would have been him one day to end up here.

To end up shot - again.

But it’s Hailey lying in the hospital bed. It’s Hailey’s shoulder this time that a bullet had torn through.

It’s Hailey who had lost so much blood that she’d begged Jay to tell their children that she loved them and was proud of them. That she would always love them.

It’s Hailey he had to watch be shot by a child. A terrified child who’d been held captive. Who hadn’t really meant to shoot Hailey at all.

The last three days have well and truly fucking hurt. Having to pick up his children from Kim and Adam’s house and explain why their mom couldn’t come home that night. Having to console them when they sobbed in fear into his chest even though he could tell them by that point that she was awake and would get better. That she just needed rest.

He’d said yes when Lucas had asked him if it was a bad man who’d hurt her. It’s a lie. He knows this. Knows someday his children will know he lied to their faces about something important, but he can’t tell them it was a child who’d hurt her. Hurt her out of fear because adults had treated them unimaginably poorly.

They’d cried until Mati made herself sick from the way in which her chest was heaving and then Jay had done a poor job of hiding his own tears at the sight of Lucas rubbing his sister’s back and telling her it would be okay.

And she’s okay. Hailey will be okay. And that in itself is everything. He can’t lose her. Their family can’t lose her. The surgery was a success and she’d come round well from the anaesthesia. The hospital have been tremendous about letting Mati and Lucas be here far more than they should be and he knows he has Will to thank for this.

And he…he’s crippled with guilt.

He’s replayed the scene over and over in his mind. Was his judgement different because he’s a father now?

He’d moved towards the three children huddled in the corner on instinct. And he knows he was closer to them than Hailey. He does know that. Knows too that he’d kept his gun trained on the grate when they’d heard the noise but then Hailey had said it was just a kid and honest to god, he’d seen them both relax a little only for Hailey to ease the grate off and the echo of a bullet sound reverberate through the air. He’d watched her be blown back by the bullet hitting her. Watched her fall.

He needs to talk to someone. Needs therapy. He knows this.

He’ll go. As soon as she’s out the hospital. It’s been a lot and he’ll work through it all so he can be the man he needs to be. For his family and for himself too.

He’s awoken to nightmares the last two nights. Nightmares of Lucas asking him why he didn’t keep his mom safe.

Hailey taught him years ago that therapy isn’t something to be scared of. That it’s not a sign of weakness and he promised himself back then when they were just partners and she’d chewed him out about not taking it seriously that he would do better with it. Lean into it. Actually take it seriously.

He’ll do the same again now.

His phone buzzes in his pocket and he sees the school’s number light up the screen. Quietly steps outside so as not to wake Hailey.

‘Hello.’

‘Hi, Mr Halstead? It’s Mrs Morrison from school.’

‘Everything okay?’ he asks quickly.

‘Everything is okay. Please don’t worry. I just wanted to let you know that Lucas has spent most of this afternoon out of class with me.’

‘Okay,’ Jay says not quite following.

He knows Mrs Morrison fairly well from the school since she teaches a lot of the art and it’s Lucas’ favourite thing. He goes to a club with her after school on Thursdays for the grade above because she’d wanted him to keep developing his skills. She’d offered for him to take a friend along from his own grade but Lucas had shrugged his shoulders. Told he and Hailey he could make new friends at the club like it was the easiest thing in the world.

‘He just was a bit upset earlier in his class, but he calmed pretty quickly once he came out. I would have called you otherwise. We went for a little walk around the field and then came back to the art room and he’s just hung out in the back of the art room this afternoon. I set him up with some paints whilst I was teaching a different grade and left him to it. Kept checking in with him.’

‘Thank you,’ Jay tells her. ‘Thank you for looking out for him.’

‘Of course. He’s actually painted something pretty beautiful for his mom.’

He thinks his heart might skip a beat in his chest. Looks back to where Hailey is sleeping the bed behind him.

‘Sounds like him.’

‘Yeah but he got anxious about getting it home.’

How big is this painting? Jay thinks. ‘I have a truck. I’m sure it can fit in.’

He hears the smile in Mrs Morrison’s voice when she speaks again. ‘I know. I hear about that truck quite a lot.’

Jay huffs out a laugh at that.

‘I told him I would give you a call so that you knew he would be bringing it home. I’ve slipped it in between a carrier now it’s dry to help keep it flat for him.’

‘Thanks so much,’ Jay tells her before he hangs up. Checks his watch and thinks he should probably start the drive across town to get his boy anyway.

Mrs Morrison had told him to come to the main office to pick up Lucas and he sees them both standing at the top of the steps by the door when he gets there.

‘Hey, bud,’ he says as he approaches and Lucas moves to stand close to him. Backpack slung over one shoulder and the painting in the carrier in his hand. ‘You wanna go put your stuff in the truck, kiddo?’

Lucas nods and Jay watches him walk to the truck and climb up inside.

‘So I’ve got to say, I hadn’t heard of tiger skies before but now I feel I need to find myself a tiger sky to paint.’

And god, of course that’s what he’s painted. Jay rubs a tired hand down his face.

‘You have a lovely boy,’ Mrs Morrison continues, ‘and a very talented one too. I know you know that Mr Halstead but I thought maybe you might need to hear it after the week your family is having.’

‘Thank you,’ he nods.

He listens as Lucas’ teacher tells him that all they have to do is let them know if there’s anything the school can do to support them in the coming weeks or months and he knows it’s a genuine offer of support. It’s a good school. One both his kids enjoy.

‘My wife and I really appreciate that. We’ll let you know.’

And once upon a time he’d have scoffed at the offer of help but with children comes a willingness to accept and do anything that may be in their best interests.

The mom of one of Matilda’s friends has taken her for ice cream after school today and will then drop her to the hospital. He’s infinitely grateful. It’s a family who have only recently moved to the area, but Hailey and the girl’s mom have hit if off. Mati is four, nearly five, though he’s not sure how that happened, and no matter what life throws at you, a visit to an ice cream parlour helps at that age.

He’s grateful too for the fact that when Lucas has struggled today, they’ve let him be. Let him paint. Let him do one of the things that make him happy with a member of staff he looks up to.

He heads back to the truck and opens the back door where Lucas is sat.

‘Can I take a look at your painting or do you wanna show mom first?’

‘I’ll show you,’ Lucas says. ‘So you can see if it’s good enough.’

He fights the urge to tell him it will be good enough before he opens it because Lucas is now at an age where that doesn’t fly. Though it would be the truth: he and Hailey are infinitely proud of him.

He flips open the top of the carrier and Jay feels his eyes widen slightly. It’s fantastic.

And Lucas’ artwork has always pretty damn amazing for his age. He seems to have a real talent and though the outdoorsy thing might be from him.

This. This is not.

And Hailey, like most things, can turn her hand to drawing pretty well. It’s not something you tend to know about your adult partner until you have children. How often as an adult do you draw unless you’re drawing for a child?

But it’s her middle brother, Dan, apparently who is the artist and he can tell it makes Hailey glad. That Lucas has inherited something good from someone on her side of the family.

And god, it’s stunning. It’s really, genuinely beautiful.

‘You think it’s okay?’

‘Lucas,’ he says quickly. ‘It’s amazing. I’m so impressed and proud of you.’

‘Mrs Morrison let me use an iPad to find some pictures to look at.’

‘But this is all you, bud and it’s so good.’

Lucas beams as Jay hands it back to him.

And they make it about five minutes into the drive before his boy speaks again. Jay knows to wait him out – just like his mom.

‘Sorry I didn’t do all my classes today.’

He glances back in his rear-view mirror at him. ‘You don’t need to apologise for that. You asked for help when something felt hard - that’s exactly what you should have done.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah, your mom taught me that.’

‘You think mom will like it?’

‘It’s beautiful, champ. Think she’ll be asking me where we can hang it. But we won’t let her hang it, okay?’

‘Okay,’ Lucas smiles. ‘How come?’

‘The first apartment we bought together, your mom had clocked out a bit earlier than me. Said she would get us some dinner on the way home but when I got home, she’d completely forgotten about dinner and was trying to hang some pictures up in the lounge instead.’

‘Okay?’

‘Only she couldn’t find the toolkit so was using a shoe.’

‘A shoe?’ Lucas laughs scrunching his face up in confusion.

‘Said she couldn’t find a hammer to put the picture hook in with, so she used the heel on one of her boots.’

Lucas guffaws in the seat behind him. His dimples on show.

‘Can I help you hang it instead? If mom wants to put it up?’

‘Of course.’

When they get back to Hailey’s room, she’s sat up in bed. A wide smile spreading across her face at the sight of her boy rounding the corner.

‘Hey, you two.’

‘Hi, Mom.’ Lucas perches on the end of her bed as Jay drops a kiss down to the top of her head.

‘You doing okay?’ he murmurs quietly to her and she nods at him. Squeezes his hand.

‘What do you have there, kiddo? she asks and Jay steps back and watches as Lucas explains and then opens the carrier passing it over to her.

He watches Hailey’s face. Imagines she’s as overcome as he’d felt earlier. ‘Wow.’

‘Mom?’

‘Wow. You painted this?’

Lucas nods and shifts closer to her on the bed. ‘I did it for you today at school.’

‘It’s incredible,’ Hailey tells him reaching for his hand.  

‘Yeah?’

‘Lucas, come here. I love it. It’s beautiful.’

He watches as Hailey gets Lucas settled on the bed beside her. Watches too as his boy is careful. Mindful of where his mom is hurt.

‘Well, Dad takes us tiger sky hunting when you’re not around, but I thought you could have one too for when you’re on your own in here.’

Tears fall from Hailey’s eyes then and he gets it. He’s not far from it himself.

‘I love it. Tell me how you did it.’

And Jay leans against the wall watching the two of them. Hailey catches his eye and he smiles at her. He holds her gaze. His heart coming alive for her as it always does. Always has.

It’s you, he tells her with his gaze. Just you. You’re the magic in our family. You’re all our tiger skies.

He listens as Lucas talks animatedly about watercolour pigments and salt and layering and other artistic tips and tricks he will never understand but he’ll try to for his boy who is never happier than when a pencil is in his hand. Except maybe when there’s a soccer ball at his feet.

His phone buzzes in his pocket and he glances down to see that Naomi’s mom is waiting with the girls down by the main entrance.

He wanders through the all too familiar hospital corridors until he makes it outside and lets his daughter’s laughter warm his soul as she and her friend chase one another around on the small patch of grass.

‘Hey, what’s all this laughter about?’ he calls out. His grin wide at the sight of her happiness.

‘Daddy!’ Matilda cries and runs into his arms as he picks her up and spins her around.

‘I had ice cream,’ she grins.

‘I heard. Did you thank Naomi’s mom?’

Mati nods as if her father has asked a stupid question and it possibly is. He and Hailey have drilled good manners into both of their kids.

‘She did,’ Lucy says coming to greet him. ‘She’s been delightful. I hope you don’t mind but I took them both to that little toy store that opened round the block from the ice cream place so they could make some jewellery.’

A five-year-old’s idea of jewellery as it turns out is a pretty garish selection of beads around her wrist, but Jay tells his little girl it looks a million bucks.

‘Don’t be silly, Daddy. It would have to be diamonds to cost that much and these are plastic, but I love ‘em.’

He laughs shaking his head and presses a kiss to her temple. Too smart for her own good.

‘You got one too, Naomi?’ he asks, and Mati’s friend comes forward to show him hers.

‘They match ‘cause we’re friends,’ Mati announces.

‘I can see that,’ he smiles. ‘You guys did a good job.’

‘And this one,’ Lucy says reaching into her purse and handing him a paper bag, ‘Mati made for her mom.’

‘You did?’ he asks turning to look at his girl who nods at him.

Jay carefully shakes out the bracelet into the palm of his hand and he’s…surprised. This one, though made of plastic beads, looks more like a friendship bracelet. The beads are small and are white and various shades of blue and it spells out her name. Spells out Hailey and not Mom or Mommy.

He turns to Lucy with a question in his eyes. ‘Had a little help with how to get the right letters for the ‘ai’ sound, but that’s all her,’ she smiles.

‘They’re Mommy’s favourite colours like our eyes and she has to use her real name at work ‘cause of the bad guys.’

And either Jay’s heart gets bigger or his chest gets smaller but he feels completely overwhelmed by both his children. By their love and their care. Their thoughtfulness.

‘She’ll love it,’ he tells his little girl squeezing her tighter.

He thanks Lucy and promises to have Naomi over soon when things are more normal, but she waves him off. Tells him they’re happy to help.

And Jay walks back into the hospital with Mati on his hip.

‘I can walk you know, Daddy.’

‘Sorry, I can put you down, peach,’ he says coming to a stop.

Her little arms squeeze tighter around his neck. ‘No, I like it. Just wanted you to know I can do it.’

He smiles as he walks.

So independent. Stubborn. Amazing.

Just like her mom.

————

Today

Hailey has said to him that one of her favourite things about their home is the sound of it. That their children can be loud, or they can be quiet and there’s no fear in either.

That for her growing up being loud was reckless because anger would follow it then the quiet. The awful kind of quiet following moments you can’t take back.

She’s told him she’s so glad her children don’t have those worries. Will never know those worries. That the quiet in the house at times can just be content. Can be understanding. Can be peace.

They’re so big now. Or they’re not. Not really but it feels it. How does he nearly have an eight-year-old? They’re growing up too fast, but things are changing. He’s a sergeant now. The sergeant of Intelligence.

Even though it’s been coming for a long time, it’s still a lot of responsibility but he has the best team around him. At work and at home.

And he’d strengthened their team a week ago too.

Had sat in his office and picked up the phone completely unsurprised by the greeting on the other end of the line.

‘Least favourite Halstead.’

‘Vanessa.’

‘What can I do for you?’

‘More what I can do for you actually. I got an open spot and -‘

‘Yes!’

‘Yes?’

‘Get me on a damn plane, Halstead.’

‘I’m not buying your ticket.’

She’s good police and a good fit and he knows he’d made the right choice from the reaction of the team when he’d come up the stairs with her on Monday morning having picked her up from the airport.

‘You know you’re only my least favourite Halstead because you made such awesome little humans, right?’ she’d told him as she’d pulled him into a hug at arrivals.

And he can’t argue with that.

Hailey had sidled into his office sometime later on in the morning with a question in her eyes.

‘That was very sneaky of you.’

‘Sneaky with good intentions.’

She checked no one was looking and wandered round to his side of the desk. A desk he can finally have photos on. Photos of he and Hailey and the kids.

Photos of the team when Al and Antonio were still with them.

She dips her head down to kiss him quickly. Softly.

‘You’re a good sergeant,’ she tells him.

And then her eyes land on the photo of him with Mati and Lucas tucked under each arm. All three of them with laughter dancing on their faces at the beach last summer. Eyes wide. Hearts full of love.

She traces her finger over the photo briefly and meets his eye.

And they might not talk about that stuff here, but he knows what she’s saying to him.

That he’s a good father too.

It’s the best compliment he could ever wish to have.

And it turns out to be one of those weeks that feels more like a month.

He’s stood watching the three of them lying on the floor of their lounge playing a game of snap. Hailey is absolutely rinsing both their children for all they’re worth and he can’t help but laugh.

He’s exhausted. Exhausted from the case they’re working and the tangled web it’s uncovered. He’s used to seeing the darkest shades this city has to offer but this case has hit home. He’s barely made it home some days this week and he’s worked most of today, a Saturday, too. And he knows the tiredness is clinging to him, but he’ll never be too exhausted for this.

For time with his family.

He can already feel the claws of this case easing their grip on him as he watches the three of them.

‘Come and help me, Daddy!’ Matilda grins, looking up to face him. ‘Mommy is too good at this.’

He lowers himself down to the floor and hands the cup of fruit tea he’s made for Hailey over to her. She catches his eye and smiles. An I love you in them that’s all too familiar. All too welcome even after all this time.

‘You know what, your dad can have my cards,’ Hailey says pushing herself up off the floor.

Jay watches her perch on the coffee table behind them. Eyes happy watching the three of them before she moves over to look out the window.

He, unlike Hailey, takes a different tact with the game and is deliberately terrible.

‘They don’t match!’ Matilda squeals as she tries to pry his hands off the cards.

‘You suck at this, Dad,’ Lucas laughs, and his sister’s giggles fill the air.

He lifts his gaze to where Hailey’s stood at the window. The soft evening light bathing her in warmth. Mug cradled between her hands. Eyes focussed on the sky outside.

He grabs his phone from his pocket and sneaks a photo of her whilst she’s not watching.

‘Did you take a photo of Mommy?’ Mati whispers.

‘I did,’ he tells her showing her the photo.

‘Mommy’s pretty.’

‘She is.’ He drops a kiss onto his daughter’s head. ‘Just like you, peach.’

‘Dad’s taking photos of you again,’ Lucas says ratting him out.

Jay’s mouth widens in mock shock at being outed as Hailey and Lucas both laugh.

Hailey shakes her head at him and he shrugs. He’s always going to take photos of his wife.

‘Come on,’ Hailey says to them all. ‘Get your shoes on guys.’

‘Where are we going?’

Jay laughs at the fact that despite her question, Matilda is already up and moving to the door looking for her shoes. Following her mom blind. It’s a sentiment Jay understands.

He moves to stand behind her at the window. Loops his arms around her and pulls her into his chest.

‘Whoah,’ he murmurs taking note of the beautiful sky outside.

‘Mmm-hmm,’ she hums. ‘I thought maybe tiger striped skies can be anytime.’

He dips his head down to steal a kiss. ‘I think that sounds like a perfect plan.’

Lucas finishes putting their cards away. Hailey chuckling under her breath at the sight of him tidying up. ‘He’s so you,’ she mutters before they watch their eldest go to meet his sister by the door.

Jay parks up not far from where he’d first come that night all those years ago and the four of them clamber out of the car.

Lucas turns and grins at him. All too understanding about why they’ve come out for a walk tonight.

‘Still not as good as your painting,’ Jay tells him quietly and watches his boy’s eyes shine.

They did hang it. It’s proudly framed in their entryway. It’s the first thing Jay sees when he hangs his coat up when he gets home.

Lucas grins back at him but then his sister pokes him in the side and yells, ‘Tag’ before she scampers off. Her brother not far behind her giving chase.

And this is all he needs, he thinks. The four of them beneath the sky.

This is his life. His future.

It’s golden sunsets and a fierce belief in his family. In the good.

He loops an arm around Hailey’s shoulder and pulls her close pressing a kiss to her temple.

‘Thank you,’ he murmurs into her hair.

He doesn’t need to tell her what for. She turns and smiles up at him before both their eyes turn to watch Lucas and Mati chasing one another down the boardwalk beneath a tiger striped sky.