Chapter Text
…
Summer nights. Crescent moon with the stars aligned. Warm air caressing pink cheeks. Soft blanket under soft skin.
Arms wrapped around each other.Neck nuzzling. Faint cars sound.Barking dogs. Stella’s laugh in the room beneath.
Heartbeat. Pink books. Gel pens. Voice crack. Feet rubbing. Love-haze. “I love you…”
Helga raised her body half way; eyes widened.
Frightened by the sudden words being part of her fantasies.
—Words she’s been dying to hear ever since she met him and was starting to believe she never will—
Hands clinging tightly on his shirt. Blue eyes dark as the night sky under a furrowed brow.
Clenched jaw. Looking straight into his eyes.
“What did you just say?”
Stunned by his own words. Scared of Helga's sudden reaction; horrified green eyes darkening by the lack of lighting.
Heart beating fast and sweaty palms.
Why is she mad?
Sometimes she’s so hard to read.
He’s been thinking about this feeling ever since their first month together.
He was slowly falling in love with the girl as the days passed by without realizing it.
Heck
Even before that.
Even before their trip to San Lorenzo.
…
Flustered by all these weird feelings he started to grow, unable to name what they were.
Why was he so annoyed by her pranks and teasing?
—Who wouldn’t be?
How can someone who just yells at you they love you, treat you that way?
And maybe he wasn’t ready to hear that then, let it seem as the heat of the moment to not reject her and make her feel bad…
But still.
That isn’t a reason to treat him the way she did.
What was she trying to achieve?
He didn’t reject her, so why can’t she see that as an opportunity to change and be nice?
It wasn’t because deep down—way deep down. Like buried under his bones down, he kinda liked her.
No.
He was just being a good friend and trying to keep things as comfortable as possible.
—But god, why was he so mad when she didn’t do those stupid pranks on him? Or when she didn’t pay any attention to him on some days? Why did he start to count the amount of spit balls she threw at him on a daily basis? Why just hearing her call him football-head was a good start to his morning?—
Why can’t she just be a nice girl and not treat people poorly?
Because that’s not Helga. Helga is a pain in the ass.
But a good pain. A pain that goes as deep to the bones.
To his bones.
And he liked the pain.
His obsessive manners to get to know the blonde girl better and trying to figure her out were probably gonna be the end of him.
So he started looking at her. But really looking at her.
Paying attention to every move she made. Noticing. Details no one else could dare to see. And as scary as that sounded for his childish mind, he’s a bold kid who won’t let his fears win.
Ugh.
She thinks she’s the boss of everyone.
She’s just a bully.
Making fun of others.
Calling people names.
Very violent.
Scary sometimes.
She thinks she is so tough!
She’s probably very insecure.
And very passionate.
And she fights for what she wants.
And stubborn!
But she’s so brave and fearless!
But she thinks she knows everything!
She’s very smart though.
Very smart.
And strong.
And she goes around throwing jabs!
She doesn’t care about others.
And she doesn’t even act like a girl.
She is really good at sports though.
And she is pretty.
No. She isn’t.
But she is true to herself.
…and she’s loyal
Pink is definitely her color.
The way her head falls backwards when she laughs–
I can look at her for hours
No, no, I can’t!
And her adorable smile.
She looks cute.
No she doesn’t!
But her blue eyes under her long lashes …
Her soft hair, that smells like something sweet like candy and some citric fruit or a flower or whatever.
And her hands…
ALWAYS THROWING JABS
!!!
…and her pink lips
Oh dammit.
…
At first it was hard—
…
“… love…?”
“I-I don't understand – ”
…
“I’ve known you my whole life practically, and you've always been angry and mean.”
…
“I’ve also seen you be really loyal and super brave…”
…
“Who else do you think has been stalking you night and day, building shrines to you in a closet, filling volumes of books with poems about you?”
…
“…I've always loved you ever since I first laid eyes on your stupid football head–”
…
“–I actually do care about you.”
…
“I'm talking about the fact that I really like you!”
…
—and it never got easy.
Helga is not easy.
But loving her is—
…
“ Helga, wait! I’m sorry. It’s just– this is new to me. I've never been in a relationship before. I mean, we’re only kids, what do we even know about love?”
“You just know, Arnold. Love isn't something you can explain, love is something you feel...”
…
“You are the only person that’s ever been genuinely nice to me and is willing to see through these walls of anger and hatred, and all I've ever done is treat you like a piece of shit.”
…
“I really love you, Arnold and I will do everything in my power to stop being this messed up.”
…
“I just think you shouldn't be with me. You deserve so much better.”
…
“All I know is that I really wanna be with you and I wanna keep trying.”
…
“Sometimes I feel so alone and not important, like I don't deserve to live. And even sometimes, I get into this inner fight with myself about whether I should keep trying or if I should just jump from that stupid bridge and just let myself sink into the ocean. But when I'm with you… when I’m with you, I get this slight faith in hope and I just wanna keep trying.
…
“I just can’t help it. I have this dark side that’s consuming every single cell inside me. I can’t control these thoughts and patterns running in my dna. It’s exhausting and confusing, and it makes me angry, and I'm tired of being angry. But somehow it’s so funny to me, I’m so used to these emotions and this lifestyle. I don’t even know how to be or who I am without them.”
…
“I like wasting my time with you, football-head. You’re my favorite part of my day.”
…
“ This is who I am. You either take it or leave it.”
…
“I am tired of trying. When is it gonna be enough?”
…
“ I love you, Arnold.”
…
“ ...so do you feel it and want in or do you rather get out before it’s too late?”
…
—a strange inner stirring. Something growing inside. Something hard and messy and scary; like floating under a thunderstorm in the middle of the ocean. Sucking the air out of his lungs and gnawing the marrow from his bones. From patient and complaisant to insubordinate.
Refusing to negotiate, impeding discussion, insisting on its right to be felt. Not taking a no for an answer. Feeling a little off balance because he’s never felt so aligned.
…
Long walk. Park bench. Sunset and a pink sky. Ice cream on the corner of chapped lips. Stolen kisses. “Can I ask you something?,”
half a movie. Fistfight. Red eyes. Salty tears. Cheek kisses. Talks about trusting and boundaries. Forehead kiss.Rubbing hands.
Hiccups. I’m sorrys. Sheepish grin.
…
Grateful to the universe for his life at this moment.
Walking down the edges of the fear he used to feel.
Taking risks. Walking in the shadows. Not caring about the fights anymore. Hanging on the ledge of a new and exciting life with her.
Keep growing together.
“I-I love you,” he answered. Same expression as her. “I love you, helga.” He repeated confidently, eyes tenderly looking at her now. “Is that not okay?”
He sat up with his elbows resting on the floor. The slight contact with her hand was electrifying.
“ N-no, no– I mean, Yes! Yes, of course it’s okay. I just– I thought I didn't hear you right, you dumb-face… I love you too, Arnold.”
Arnold chuckled with a relieved smile. He reached to her lips for a gentle kiss between giggles and a very enamored helga.
…
Gerald, sitting next to him, punched him on the arm. Hard enough to make him jump. Bringing him back to the cruel reality he was living now.
Letting him know the teacher was calling him out. Confusing stare looking upwards, he rubbed his arm. Laughs from his classmates at the back and a shy smile.
The teacher leaned against the desk with her arms folded in front of her. Waiting.
Arnold tried to hide the embarrassment of losing count of the times he’s been caught having a flashback of his now ex-girlfriend today. "Uh, sorry, Mrs. Lewis… umm, could you repeat the question?"
“Your poem, Shortman.” The teacher instructed him to stand in front of the class.
“Oh, right…” A breath out.
Standing in the middle of the classroom, all eyes on him.
Face like scarlet.
Awkward.
Shaking hands. Anxiety creeping from the inside; slightly sweating.
But not enough.
Yet, enough to look like a mess in front of the only girl who hasn't looked at him. Not even by mistake.
Or pity.
For 99 days .
Always looking beautiful
A little annoyed but still flawless
Trying to act rough
A slight movement. Eyes rolled up.
Like you don’t care.
Yeah, right.
Keep telling yourself that, Helga.
I know you–
Keep pretending I don’t exist, good try.
…Actually, pretty impressive.
But not a very good job.
Blue eyes looking vaguely through the messy hair all over her face.
Some graphic images flashing in the back of his mind.
So hot.
No. Stop, Arnold! Not the right time!
Shaky hands unfolding the piece of paper he wrote his homework on.
Pretty shitty for someone who’s always trying too hard to be an A’s student.
English class wasn’t his favorite…
Ultramarine–deep electric eyes. Rose golden hair. Soft lips. Passion. Forcefulness. Ardor. Love. Madness. Forever. I love you. Intensity. Muse. Fancy words. Rhymes. Poetry.
Infinity becoming ephemeral. Words without a meaning. Empty promises. Shadows. Loneliness. Hollow eyes. Sapphire tears. Messy hair. Bruising. Heartbreak. Delusion. Delirious. Goodbyes.
Shit.
Here goes nothing.
Okay.
Just breathe.
But make it subtle, you idiot.
“What am I supposed to do
When your hair is soft and your eyes are blue
And my heart turns over at the sound of you
I am more of a mess than a rainy day
Because you have no idea, I feel this way.”
Stupid English class.
Stupid Mrs. Lews–nope, sorry.
Stupid poem.
…
Stupid Helga.
Stupid love you said you felt for me.
No. I am not becoming one of those exes.
Stupid Arnold for ever falling.
Stupid foolish kid thinking you can change someone.
Always looking on the bright side.
Trying to help people to make them the best version of themselves.
Trying to be there when you’re not wanted.
Not everyone wants to be helped.
…
Legs crossed over the wet grass. Head looking upward, eyes shut from the sun hitting his face.His mind wandered at the edge of his subconscious, trying to remember the moment Helga just stopped loving him.
It’s been 20 minutes since their free period and Gerald’s been talking about his brother doing something and Phoebe saying something and someone crashing a car but he was too deep in his mind to pay attention. His ripe banana turning black and Gerald finishing the salad his mom packed for him. He didn’t even realize when he changed the subject to enlighten him with his honest opinion and support about his job on his English homework. Something about “pathetic but bold” and “embarrassing” and “I’m a little scared I’m always right.” The sun was burning and so was his chest.
“What will you do next?” He asked, messing with him. “I mean, I’m no expert on poetry but coming from you, that shit felt so…”
Arnold sighed loudly. Throwing his head between his hands. Praying for a miracle to shut down his ears. He didn’t want to listen to his best friend right now.
“…the tension I felt between you two, and I was at the back of the classroom, damn! And she’s not even my ex, man. But it wasn’t bad though, I don’t think you’ll fail.”
Arnold just stared blankly at him, realizing his attempt failed.
“But the way the Pataki girl was sitting right in front of you and you still read that shit. Gold. What I would do to have seen the look on her face.”
Gerald laughed but Arnold didn’t get the joke so he decided to keep ignoring him, still unamused by all his comments.
She looked beautiful as always.
Blue eyes playing at the back of his mind.
“I didn’t have any other option, Gerald. You know that teacher hates me,” he finally answered after a while.
Not everyone is going to like you, Arnold. And that’s okay!
Looking distantly, not for the owner of his now broken heart. Just not looking into his best friend’s eyes for pride's sake, he exhaled for the hundredth time since they got here.
“I should’ve listened to my instincts…”
“What instincts, man?” Gerald asked, holding his laugh.
“The ones that were telling me she was gonna ask me to read it aloud.”
“Man, you knew everyone failing was gonna read theirs aloud.”
Damn it.
His head’s been all over the place.
All over Helga and not in the way he’d want to.
Was Helga proud of the stupid poem he wrote?
Did any of her many poems for him teach him anything?
Since Helga broke up with him, he hasn’t been the same dedicated guy at school, though.
And English class burned all the way down the center of his chest.
Is it the romantic breeze that’s felt around the classroom from the love poems that are read aloud? Reminding him of the feeling she once said she had for him.
Or is it the angst feeling of apprehension by not knowing how to act around her anymore.
Losing sight of what he once was; walking blindly towards a new person who he didn’t want to become.
Spending too much time with Helga really paid off
Or maybe it was those poems about heartbreak...
Anyway,
He’s a sensitive guy.
“Guess I forgot.”
“You really are a mess, buddy…” Gerald utter out, unamused by the way Mr. look-at-the-bright-side has been handling his breakup for who knows how many times now.
“No, I’m not.”
He is a mess.
He fell hard. He’s a hopeless romantic.
BUT because he always sees the good in everything.
Love is a very important feeling that needs to be seen as a positive one.
And love is all that matters.
Love is what makes us human.
And better people.
And can get us through bad times.
And Helga always did some stupid thing that made him fall for her harder every time.
She was reckless. Said things that weren’t supposed to be said, acting on impulse from her ardent angst.
But still.
She was passionate about her beliefs (and weirdly enough but not rarely, it was a turn on for Arnold).
She always knew what to say at the right time to get them out of trouble.
She always listened to his wise words of wisdom even if she was at the verge of letting all the fire inside of her burst into flames ready to burn herself and all of her haunting past.
So yeah.
She is intense.
And hysterical.
And she is almost always angry.
And she feels very deeply, very strong feelings.
And if you let her, she will burn herself up.
And Arnold loved that…
—as much as he once tried to fight that catastrophic side of her, it was a vain attempt; a one sided fight, like punching the air but getting tumbled by a tornado right back. And just like mother earth has her reasons to keep surviving through the chaos of her own nature, Arnold has his own reasons to keep holding on to the chaos from inside her core—
…he fell for everything that made her who she is.
Her intelligence.
Her open mind.
Her creativity.
Her sense of humor.
Her kindness.
Her big heart.
Her sensitivity.
Her freedom.
Her passion.
Her madness.
Being always there for him.
Trusting him enough to be vulnerable in front of him.
Introducing him to new ways of thinking.
Her body, fitting perfectly with his embrace.
The way her soft skin feels against his.
And the way their body genuinely becomes one.
But not anymore…
Her reckless self possessing Arnold’s self.
Reciprocating every action they have towards each other.
Talking for hours about anything and everything that comes to their stupid adolescent minds.
Sitting in comfortable silence.
How do you unlove someone who became your whole self?
“Arnold, look at you. You look like you haven’t slept in weeks.”
“That's ‘cause I haven’t Gerald… but it’s not because of Helga.” He reassures the guy before he says something that’s going to break his heart.
Again.
Gerald shaked his head twice with disapproval and a little disappointed. “Yeah, right. You gotta get your shit together, man. It’s been enough time for you to at least try to move on."
“Gerald. It's only been like… ninety nine days. Not that I’m counting or anything.”
Gerald just decided to ignore his poor friend’s comment and finished his sandwich.
“I don’t wanna be that friend but I think that’s enough time for you to start moving on…” he said kindly after a long period of silence. “I mean, you guys have broken up before and remember that time you got over it really fast, I thought you guys were never getting back together.”
Arnold tried to remember the time he thought he got over her really fast. He was just a little kid. A stupid little kid who didn’t know better and was selfish enough to break the heart of the only girl who’s ever loved him.
Is this his karma? Is Helga trying to get back at him for what he did in his younger years? Is this what Helga felt when he didn’t give her a chance to redeem herself? Maybe he deserves this.
But it was different back then…
He never stopped loving her.
…she still loves me though
He just knows.
“Besides…” he added after looking at his friend’s overthinking face, “it looks like she’s already moved on.”
Arnold turned his head around after Gerald nodded his last words towards his back.
Eyes burning from the sight of Helga walking with that idiot. Laughing and acting as if she isn’t bothered by his presence in their school or the fact that they just broke up after more than half their lifetime dating.
As if she never felt anything.
That’s just pure evil.
And not fair.
And I do not believe you, Helga Pataki.
…
“Hey, I know it’s not easy to put up with me. Heck! I can’t even put up with myself sometimes. The fact that you’ve been tolerating my insanity for a whole year! And that’s only the dating time. Thank you for putting up with me–”
“Helga, stop. I don’t tolerate you, okay. I love you…”
…
“Well… maybe I still love you but– that doesn’t mean anything!”
“It means that you still love me...”
…
Naked and raw emotions
Heartbeats and kisses
Soft touches electrifying
Two souls intertwining
Jazzy sounds and I love yous
…
“You think I would be stuck with you for most of my life if I didn't love you. You know Helga G. Pataki doesn't do pity, football-head.”
…
99 days isn't that long to forget someone… right?
What does Gerald know anyway?
With his perfect, healthy and stable relationship that never gets into a fight with each other and always fixes their problems the same night they argue.
So what if I can’t get over her that easily?
Time is the best healer to a heartache…
And what if we still have a chance?
We’ve been through this before.
But she’s never stopped loving me…
She still loves me though!
Fuck.
Fuck you, Helga.
No.
I am not that type of ex!
Arnold you’re better than this.
We’ve talked about this.
Feeling his heart is going to burst apart from all this hurting. With aching arms from the lack of another’s, Arnold spent the rest of the night locked in his room—dragging himself into his own misery.
Again.
He didn’t listen to anything else Gerald had to say about Helga. It’s been the same old song since Arnold told him they broke up. And even before that.
…
“She probably has a crush on his friend and doesn’t wanna tell you. Damn Pataki”
…
“I’m sorry Arnold, you know I’m here for you, man.”
…
“ To be honest, I’m surprised you guys lasted this long.”
…
“You are not his pet Arnold, you’re her boyfriend.”
…
“You and Phoebe are the only ones that see ‘her good side’ cause all this time I’ve spent with her, she’s never stopped being a pain in the ass.”
…
"I’m not gonna lie, I’m a little happy that she dumped you. I mean it in the best way possible. But I’m here for ya man.”
…
“Let me guess, you guys broke up-”
…
“I just think she’s never been good for you.”
…
“She always treats you like shit. And you let her.”
…
“Yeah, yeah. She has a good heart and sometimes is a good person. And she only treats you nicely in private, man! Wake up.”
…
“She doesn’t deserve you.”
…
“ How many times are you gonna have to go through this?”
…
“I don’t get why you’re still with her but I support ya...”
…
“I mean, yeah- she’s okay I guess, at least for my taste anyway but I still think she’s a little annoying and unnecessary rude. But if you’re okay with her I guess I’m okay too.”
…
“I'm actually glad you’ve finally seen reason”
…
“She definitely put a spell on you or did some black magic or smth.”
…
“ I really don’t know what you see in her, man.”
…
“You deserve way better.”
…
“ Man, I really wish I could understand why you love Helga so much. You’re too in love with her, is not even a good thing.”
…
Maybe Gerald isn’t the best person to vent about her and his feelings.
He just doesn’t get it.
The rest of his day was the same boring-monotonous day; without Helga. Being physically in class but mentally in Helga's lap. Feeling her fingertips petting his hair. Small kisses on his forehead. Sonnet poems. Sharing lunch and stares. Finishing their homework. Shy kisses. “Can I drive you home today?”
Practice was awful. His lack of sleep is starting to get to him, so the coach sent him to run a few miles which didn’t help with his depraved sleep.
Fuck the coach and fuck the football team.
What are you even doing, Arnold?
People pleaser.
He just wanted to crawl in his bed, wear that giant sweater Helga always used when she stayed with him and get sucked into his mattress and never get out.
He didn’t eat dinner with his family and for the third week this month or so, he lied to them saying he already ate at work.
He’s just a hopeful guy.
A guy can dream.
The blues. Dark room. Moonlight and street lights. Jasmine smelling candles. Why does it hurt so much?
Looking for an answer. A sign. A real, rational reason why Helga would break up with him.
I don’t trust you enough? Yeah, right!
I’m the most trusty guy I know.
Just because I don’t trust one guy that spends a lot of time with my girlfriend, doesn’t mean I don’t trust my girlfriend!
Fuck that guy.
And his stupid shaggy hair and brown eyes.
And those stupid ripped jeans, and leather jacket.
I can rip some jeans.
Fuck that.
I can wear a leather jacket.
Well, faux. But still!
He doesn’t even care about the animals
Or the planet
Or anyone
Especially helga
Fuck you
And that stupid way you have on making Helga laugh at your stupid jokes that aren’t even funny.
I don’t love you anymore!? That I can’t believe.
That’s the biggest lie I’ve ever heard.
That can’t be real.
That doesn’t make sense in Arnold’s brain.
Helga can’t stop loving him just like that.
Can she?
That’s just bullshit.
But if it’s true–
No.