Chapter Text
The room was filled with the beeping and whirring of various machines, only some of which Bucky actually recognized. He was focusing his eyes on the heart rate monitor because it was easier than looking down at Clint. As long as he stared at the regular and steady blips on the screen he could keep his mind on the fact that Clint was alive. It was difficult to remember that if he shifted his eyes towards the man in the bed.
There were bandages covering the majority of Clint’s torso. His right arm was splinted and wrapped. The right side of his face was a deep purple which stood out drastically against the pallor of the small portions of unbruised skin that were visible. The doctors were pleased with how well he’d come through surgery given the extent of his injuries. Bucky desperately wanted to reach out, to touch him, though he could acknowledge that at the moment it would be for his comfort and not Clint’s. He rested his fingers lightly on the bed close to Clint’s left hand which was hooked up to his IV but otherwise unharmed.
Steve was sitting in the corner of the room. He looked exhausted and battered and Bucky could still see the smudges of blood and soot on his uniform. “You don’t have to stay” Bucky said, keeping his eyes focused on the monitor. “They said he’ll be asleep for a while still.”
“I’ll stay a bit longer” Steve’s voice sounded tired and Bucky was torn between being irrationally annoyed that Steve wouldn’t go rest and grateful that he wasn’t alone. It certainly wasn’t unusual for Steve to sit beside a team member who’d been injured, in fact as team leader it was pretty normal, but Bucky knew that part of the reason Steve remained after Clint was out of surgery was because he didn’t want to leave Bucky on his own.
“Can’t say I missed this” Bucky said quietly. Steve raised an eyebrow at him, “sitting at some punk’s bedside hoping he wakes up” he clarified.
Steve smiled fondly at him the way he always did when Bucky referenced something from before. “You’re a great nurse, he’ll be back to climbing around the vents in no time.”
Bucky nodded absently and started running his hand lightly over Clint’s fingers. “He’ll be fine Buck, you heard what the doctors said” Steve added softly.
“How do you do it? With Stark?” Bucky asked, grateful for the fact that Steve knew him well enough to understand what he was asking without needing him to clarify.
“You’ve heard some of our fights after missions, it’s not like I always do it well….but…he’s brilliant. What Iron Man brings to the team…I couldn’t get that anywhere else. Tony makes me a better leader, he makes us a better team and we’re all safer having him out there with us. I hate it when he gets hurt, the idea of losing him….I can’t think about it…but I would never ask him to stop being Iron Man any more than he would ask me to stop being Captain America because as much as the idea of anything happening to him terrifies me…the world is a safer place when we’re doing our jobs and working together.”
Bucky feels his lips quirk up in the ghost of a smile, because even after seventy years and two lifetimes of disappointment and loss and unprecedented sacrifice Steve still manages to be achingly good.
“Do you have flashcards with this shit on it? Practice speeches before bed in case you need to be motivational the following day?” Bucky teases.
“My motivational speeches have been working on you since 1925 jerk” Steve grinned at him before his smile softened again. “There isn’t a perfect way to do it Buck, but you’re here for him and you’ll be here when he wakes up and then you just work to enjoy every moment you have together”
And that’s the problem really, because who they are, doing what they do means that the likelihood that one day one of them won’t make it is pretty damn high. Bucky’s still not so sure about himself…but the rest of them, they don’t deserve that.
“Enjoy every moment huh? I’m concerned that you’re coming dangerously close to talking to be about your sex life and we have rules about that…”
“Ass” Steve said grinning at him. “Do you want some coffee?”
“Yeah, actually coffee would be good.” Bucky said rubbing his temples with his left hand, the cool metal of his fingers feeling good against his skin. Steve nodded and squeezed his shoulder as he stepped out of the room.
Bucky sighed and looked back down at Clint’s still form. The familiar banter with Steve was comforting, but now that he was alone he could feel the worry creeping back up his spine. “You hear that punk? You need to wake up so that we can make the most of every moment. Captain America has basically just ordered you to have lots of sex, can’t believe you want to miss out on that.” Bucky smoothed his hand over Clint’s left cheek and turned his eyes back to the heart monitor.
***********************
“I can show you around if you’d like, or we can just go to your apartment. Whatever is easier” Steve said hesitantly.
Bucky had been at the Tower for eight weeks but today was the first day that he was leaving the Hulk reinforced room that he’d been in since he’d arrived. It had been two and half weeks since he’d had a dissociative episode and it had been decided that having a little more freedom would be good for him. Steve had assured him that between the Avengers and JARVIS he would be monitored and he wouldn’t have access to any civilian floors. Bucky still wasn’t sure it was a good idea but Dr. Shaw had convinced him to give it a try.
“Either way” he said tiredly. He didn’t miss the way Steve’s shoulders shagged a bit at that. He knew that he was supposed to be working on making decisions but he was too tired to care at the moment. It had been eight weeks of slowly trying to stitch together some semblance of self, attempting to cobble a person from the fragmented memories of who he used to be and the things that still seemed to fit and as much as he hated to disappoint Steve in any way, he couldn’t muster up the energy to care about anything else today. He was finding that some days the only way to avoid anger was apathy.
Steve squared his shoulders and Bucky watched as he pulled himself back from whatever it was he’d been feeling a moment ago, “why don’t I just show you the common room? Then we’ll head to your apartment.”
Bucky nodded and followed Steve to the elevator at the end of the hall. “You have your own floor” Steve said as the elevator started moving “just like everybody else. You have access to the common floor whenever you want. Um, for now, you’ll need to be accompanied to go anywhere else…by me I mean…but you can just let me know if you want to go somewhere. Just tell JARVIS and he’ll get me…” Steve trailed off and fell into parade rest like he always did when he was nervous. Bucky had noticed that Steve did that a lot around him.
“I don’t mind, you know” Bucky said quietly. He didn’t really want to talk about it but he hated that after everything Steve had done for him he was feeling unsure. Their friendship had been many things over the years but Steve had never been timid with him before. There was more missing from his memories than not but on that point he was certain. “It’s not safe for me to wander the halls and you’re the only one who can stop me if I lose it. I’d rather have you with me than risk something happening.”
Steve turned as if he wanted to ask him a question but he thought better of it and just nodded instead. “I’m on the top floor in the penthouse with….top floor, just so you know.”
Bucky sighed but only nodded in understanding. For some reason Steve hadn’t told him that he and Tony were together. Bucky couldn’t work out if Steve didn’t want him to know for some reason or if he thought Bucky would be upset by it so Bucky hadn’t said anything yet. Though how Steve thought he could miss the looks they shot each other whenever they were in the room together was beyond him. He’d be a pretty terrible sniper if he wasn’t good at reading his surroundings, especially when his “surroundings” were busy gazing fondly at each other when they thought no one was looking. Even if he couldn’t remember much he knew he was an exceptional sniper, he had the nightmares to prove it.
The doors slide open to reveal a large room, the far wall covered in windows that looked to span the entire west wall of the Tower. To his left there was a large open kitchen with a long, low dining table beyond that. The right side of the room was a sunken living space filled with couches and chairs and the largest tv that Bucky had ever seen.
“The team likes to spend free time here” Steve was saying as they walked further into the room “watching movies, reading, dinner with whoever is around….but you can always ask JARVIS who’s here, if you’d rather not run into people.”
Other than Steve the only people from the team that Bucky had spent time with were Bruce and Tony. Tony would show up if there was something wrong with his arm and Bruce would show up if there was something wrong with the rest of him.
Bruce was cautious around him, though Bucky supposed that was probably how Bruce acted with most people. He was professional, calm…as if he didn’t find it strange to be sitting across from a science experiment who had recently tried to kill his friends…maybe given his life maybe he didn’t find it unusual. Bucky appreciated the ease with Bruce, questions with simple answers and the feeling that Bruce was just as worried about losing control himself as he was concerned about Bucky. It gave their interactions a strange sense of evenness and balance that Bucky appreciated.
Tony was more of a struggle. Bucky had learned quickly that the man didn’t like silence so he was constantly rambling, especially in the early days when Bucky wasn’t able to find his voice. He couldn’t remember killing Tony’s parents though he knew it had happened. Like much of his past he was torn between wanting the memories to return and hoping that they stayed locked away. He knew there was something of Howard floating around in his head because there wasn’t any other reason for Tony to look as familiar as he did. Where Bruce was steady and methodical Tony was frantic energy and uncontrolled passion…but Tony looked at Steve like he was the best thing in his world so that was something.
“Will people mind running into me?” Bucky asked as he scanned the room and counted windows, doors and other points of entry.
“Everyone knows you’re here Buck, they’re all fine with you being here. We just want to help you.”
Bucky turned at the sound of the elevator. The doors opened to reveal a blond man, slightly shorter than Steve. He was wearing sweats and a beat up t-shirt though even with the baggy clothes Bucky could tell that he was strong in a lithe and compact way. Running through his mental pictures of the team he identified him as Hawkeye.
“Hey Cap” Hawkeye said as he ambled into the kitchen and opened the fridge.
“Hey Clint. Clint, this is Bucky.”
Clint stood up from the fridge holding a beer in his left hand and stuck his right hand out towards Bucky. “Clint Barton, nice to meet ya.”
Bucky stared down at the hand that was extended towards him for a moment and then slowly extended his left hand to grasp Clint’s, the sensors in the metal telling him that the grip was firm and strong.
“You getting the grand tour?” Clint asked as he pulled his hand back and started rummaging through a drawer.
Bucky slowly glanced up from his metal hand which was still slightly extended, “yeah, just getting the lay of the land.”
Clint nodded as he popped the top off his beer and returned the bottle opener to the drawer.
“I just thought I’d show Buck the common area before taking him up to his floor” Steve said. “You heading out tomorrow?”
Clint nodded, “yeah, Nat and I should be in Prague by tomorrow afternoon. We’ll touch base once we’re on the ground.”
Bucky glanced sharply at the two men, he knew for a fact that no one was supposed to be talking about anything mission related in front of him but they both seemed unconcerned.
“Check in with Tony before you leave, he mentioned some tech he wanted you to test out” Steve’s face transformed with the dopey smile he got whenever he talked about Tony and honestly did he really think Bucky didn’t know what was going on there?
“Are there trick arrows? Cause I want trick arrows.”
“Trick arrows?” Bucky asked despite himself.
“Yeah, you know…arrows that do extra stuff…like explode or shoot nets”
Bucky stared at him.
“I don’t think it’s trick arrows” Steve said as he tried and failed to keep from smiling.
“Fine” Clint grumbled, “you heading up to your place after you show Barnes his floor? Sam was looking for you earlier and you know he won’t go up to the penthouse since the incident.”
Bucky looked curiously at Steve and saw the color drain from his face as he shot an anxious glance at Bucky “oh, um…yeah, I can find Sam…”
Clint scrunched his eyebrows together and looked at Steve before transferring his gaze to Bucky. He raised one eyebrow in question and Bucky rolled his eyes in response, Clint stared at him for another moment before his eyes crinkled with silent laughter.
“Tony is loud…incredibly loud. And apparently our good Captain has very descriptive requests” Clint offered with a grin.
The laugh caught him off guard. It felt like something was bubbling up deep inside the pit of his stomach and he couldn’t keep it inside and didn’t actually want to. The sound that he made was actually more of a bark than a laugh but his shoulders were shaking in unmistakable mirth. Clint looked slightly surprised but kept grinning back at him and Steve’s face had turned impossibly red and all Bucky could think about was how it was the first time he’d laughed since he came back to himself.
*********************
Bucky had long since drained the bitter coffee that Steve had brought him from the cafeteria when he heard the door open.
Tony looked grimly at Clint before shifting his eyes to the corner of the room where Steve had dozed off, his head leaned back against the wall. He smiled softly before turning back to Bucky.
“How’s he doing” he asked softly nodding at Clint.
“Better, surgery went well. Recovery is probably going to be a bitch…just waiting for him to wake up…” Bucky answered tiredly rubbing at his eyes. Bucky nodded his head towards Steve, “you should take him back to the Tower. He needs to eat and get some rest.”
“What about you? He’s not the only one with super solider metabolism…you had anything to eat yet?”
“I’m fine here” Bucky said, not answering the question but trusting Tony to leave it alone.
Steve stirred and opened his eyes at the sound of their voices. He smiled sleepily at Tony for a moment before seeming to remember where he was and glanced apologetically at Bucky. “Sorry, dozed off....everything ok?” he asked turning to Tony.
“All good Cap. Avengers related cleanup is mostly taken care of, things have been handed over to local authorities and everyone is back at the Tower. Came to see if I could drag you two out for a bit, you need to eat. I can sit with Barton.”
Bucky was shaking his head before Tony had finished talking. “I’m staying…Steve you should go home. Get some rest.”
“I told you I was ok to stay”
“Come on Stevie, I’ll be fine.”
Steve opened his mouth to respond and stopped as his phone started beeping. He reached back to pull it out “hang on…” he said as he stepped into the hall.
“Take him home with you. He needs to eat and sleep and I don’t need a babysitter” Bucky said as soon as Steve was out of the room.
“He just doesn’t want you sitting here by yourself”
“I know that...” Bucky trailed off wishing that he was better with words. It wasn’t something that he remembered being a problem from before…though he supposed that maybe he just hadn’t needed the words in the same way back when life mostly consisted of scraping by, trying to make enough money so that he and Steve were taken care of, thinking about a future based on dreams and possibility instead of reality. Now that he desperately needed the words because some days being understood often felt like the only way to hold on to his sanity it was like the words just deserted him sometimes. He could identify a feeling but didn’t have the language to explain it, Clint was the only one who never seemed to need him to. He took a deep breath and lifted his eyes to look at Tony.
“I don’t want to leave, I need to be here….and I know he’s worried…but it’s...easier…if he’s not here because I know he needs rest and he needs to check on the team….he always wants to do that….”
“It’s easier if you don’t have to worry about him too?” Tony asked
Bucky nodded, a tight and jerky motion, thankful that Tony understood and he could stop trying to clarify.
Steve slipped back into the room, tucking his phone back into his uniform. “Hill” he said by way of explanation.
Tony snaked an arm around Steve before he could sit down again “alright Cap, time to go. You’ll be in touch?” he asked Bucky
Bucky nodded gratefully, Steve started to open his mouth and Bucky saw Tony’s hand tighten its grip on Steve’s waist. Steve looked from Tony to Bucky and then just nodded. “Let us know if you need anything Buck, I’ll be back in the morning.”
Bucky nodded again and then turned his eyes back towards Clint as Steve allowed Tony to pull him from the room.