Chapter Text
Bucky rolled over and glanced at the clock on his nightstand, the glowing red numbers informing him that it was 3:26am. Swearing under his breath he flipped onto his back and lay staring up at the ceiling. He’d been making what he considered to be a valiant effort to stick to a normal schedule for the last several weeks. Mostly because his therapist thought that establishing routine and interacting with others was an important part of his recovery, but also because Tony had informed him that walking aimlessly around the Tower at all hours of the night was “weird and possibly creepy.” Bucky figured that if Tony Stark thought his sleeping habits were strange then it was a pretty good indication that something needed to change.
Though in retrospect it was more likely that Tony was missing Steve than that he had suddenly gained a moderately healthy appreciation for sleep. JARVIS still reported his movements to Steve and upon learning that Bucky was up most of the night Steve had started staying up with him. It was actually nice. Bucky’s memories were still trickling back to him and while he knew he was still missing a lot time with Steve had started to feel familiar. Some nights they didn’t even talk, just watched movies from the list that Steve had made himself after waking up. Bucky knew he would never be the man that he was before falling from the train but those nights with Steve made him feel like at least part of that person was still inside and it gave him something to hold onto.
That had lasted about three weeks before Bucky realized that leading the Avengers meant Steve couldn’t sleep half the day like he did, so in the name of recovery, and for the sake of Steve’s sanity Bucky lay down around midnight and made himself get up by nine. And if that meant he stared at the ceiling for a couple hours most nights, at least Steve was getting rest.
Night and day hadn’t mattered much when he was on a mission, he had a job to do and rest came only when absolutely necessary and had nothing to do with the time of day. By the time he was activated it was usually just a matter of going in, taking out the target and returning to base to be wiped and frozen, the leg work and prep for his missions always taken care of by others. As far as he could tell the months that he’d spent on the run after DC made for the longest consecutive stretch of time that he’d been awake since before he fell from the train.
Tossing the covers aside Bucky stood up and grabbed a pair of sweats and a t-shirt from the floor.
“Going to go for a walk JARVIS” Bucky announced as he headed towards his door.
He had full access to the common areas of the Tower, and while he didn’t actually need to tell JARVIS his plans it seemed rude to ignore the ever-present AI.
Bucky found himself heading towards the common room without realizing he’d made a decision. Steve hadn’t been kidding when he’d said that the team liked to spend free time there. It was actually pretty unusual to find the room empty, at least during the day, Natasha liked to read, Bruce liked to cook, and Steve always did his paperwork at the kitchen table.
Bucky hadn’t expected to like the space as much as he did, it was open and often loud and crowded…but it was also large and let him observe without actually being forced to interact with people if he didn’t want to. He’d spent plenty of evenings sitting on the couch furthest from the tv reading or simply being quiet, the sounds of conversation milling around him as he tried to remember what it felt like to be part of a group, a conversation.
He stepped out of the elevator and came to a stop, the sounds of Mario Kart and Clint’s swears filling the room. Clint glanced over his shoulder at the sound of the elevator.
“Bucky! Come watch me kick ass!” he said turning back towards the tv.
Bucky opened his mouth to say that he was going to head down to the gym when he noticed Clint’s bow leaning against his legs. All the Avengers took meticulous care of their weapons and Clint was no exception, he might clean his bow in the common area but it seemed unlikely that he would just drag it with him to play video games.
“Hey” Bucky said cautiously as he edged further into the room. Since their first meeting he hadn’t spent much time with Clint so he still didn’t have a good read on the archer.
“Did you just get back?” Bucky asked remembering Steve mentioning something about Clint and Natasha having a mission.
“What day is it? Is it Tuesday? We got back Tuesday.”
“It’s Wednesday, well Thursday now” Bucky said taking in the slightly manic look in Clint’s eyes and the tight lines around his mouth.
“Well damn….I crashed for a while after debrief but then I woke up and….”Clint trailed off gesturing to the tv with the controller.
“Everything go ok?” Bucky asked sinking down into the seat next to Clint. Officially he still wasn’t supposed to have any mission related information but Steve had never seemed to care and the others had followed his lead. Bucky had rolled his eyes at Steve’s seemingly baseless trust but since he knew he wasn’t planning on selling the team out to Hydra he’d decided it didn’t really matter.
“Yep, bad guys gone, good guys won…another day in the life….” Clint answered without looking away from the screen. Bucky quickly ran his mind back through his past interactions with Clint as he tried to categorize his behavior. Clint could be a sarcastic shit when he wanted to but there was always an underlying focus, a sense that he saw and understood more than he let on, tonight he seemed scattered, almost jittery.
“Ha!” Clint exclaimed as Yoshi crossed the finish line. He tossed the controller on the table and shifted his gaze to Bucky. “What are you up to?”
Bucky shrugged uncomfortably “couldn’t sleep, thought I’d take a walk”
Clint nodded absently “yeah, the dreams can be a bitch”
Clint didn’t say anything else just turned back to the tv. Bucky glanced back at the bow and wondered if he should keep his mouth shut, it’s not like he really knew Clint. On the other hand Clint was walking around with his weapon of choice so he’d probably get it….
“I was glad they couldn’t take the arm off” Bucky blurted. Clint raised an eyebrow but he looked curious and not horrified so Bucky took a deep breath to gather his words. “When I came in they took all my weapons, didn’t want me armed…still don’t really. They wanted to take the arm off too, thought it was dangerous. But Tony said he couldn’t do it because of how it’s wired. I was glad, I mean…it’s just my arm…but it was like a weapon they couldn’t take away…not to hurt anyone” Bucky added quickly “just...made me feel safer…” he trailed off and gestured to the bow by Clint’s feet.
Clint nodded and continued to stare at him for a moment as he ran one hand over the curve of the bow.
“I think that is officially the most words I’ve ever heard you use” he said conversationally.
Bucky shrugged slightly and shifted on the couch so that he was also facing the tv.
“Makes sense though” Clint continued “about the arm. It’s almost a team requirement at this point, we all have our deadly security blankets.”
“I keep waiting for Tony to come back and find some way to remove it...” Bucky said voicing the fear that had been in the back of his mind for weeks now.
“Oh come on, Steve’s never gonna let someone take your arm!”
“He doesn’t like it” Bucky muttered. Steve was a handsy guy, he’d always been like that, an affectionate arm around your shoulders, pulling you by the elbow when he got excited. Bucky had noticed pretty quickly that Steve always seemed to stay to his right these days, he didn’t touch Bucky often and when he did it was never on the metal arm.
“He probably thinks you don’t like it” Clint said matter-of-factly.
“What?”
“He probably thinks you don’t like it, bad memories associated with it…something like that. In any case he would never take it without talking to you. And Tony’s a genius…though never tell him I said that….if either of them thought it was important I’m sure he could have found a way to remove it.” Clint shrugged and leaned forward to grab the remote and start flipping channels.
“Oh” Bucky said softly. Is that why Steve never went near the arm? Because he thought it might trigger Bucky in some way? It sounded plausible enough….and Tony was a brilliant engineer, all you had to do was see the armor to know that. They’d at least talk to him first….
“So do you still want to be called Bucky?”
“What?” Bucky asked turning sharply to look at Clint “Why…I mean….” He trailed off not exactly sure what he was asking.
“I mean….it was a nickname you were given, what? 70 years ago? If you still like it that’s cool just thought I’d ask”
“What else would you call me?” Bucky asked bemusedly
“What do I care? James, Jim, Jimbo, Susan?”
“Susan?”
“You can be called whatever you want….thats kinda the whole point in asking” Clint said patiently, and if you’d asked Bucky to describe Clint before this conversation he’s pretty sure the word patient wouldn’t have occurred to him.
What did he want to be called? It wasn’t something that he’d ever thought about. Steve had called him Bucky so that’s how he’d been introduced to everyone. But did he feel like Bucky? Bucky Barnes was a young kid who’d liked to dance and who couldn’t wait to go to war and protect his country, he’d loved his family and Stevie and he’d dreamed of coming home from the war, finding a nice girl and getting married. He’d also died a long time ago. But if he wasn’t Bucky then who? James? James was what he’d been called when his mother was angry with him, it was the name the priests used when he went to confession, the name on all his official papers…but he’d never felt like James. His handlers had only called him the asset.
Bucky Barnes was a long dead naive young man, but he was also a soldier, a POW, a sniper, he’d actually been a lot of different things….so maybe Bucky Barnes could be a former assassin as well?
Clint had stopped flipping channels, not putting Bucky on the spot but clearly still waiting for an answer.
“I’d like to be called Bucky” he said with a decisiveness that felt both exhilarating and completely foreign. “Thank you for asking” he added softly.
Clint cocked an eyebrow at him “You don’t need to thank me, it’s your choice…you don’t need…it’s your choice” he repeated with a shrug. They sat in silence the soft sounds from the tv filling the room.
“You going to bed?” Bucky asked. Clint immediately tensed, it was small but Bucky caught the way his fingers clenched on the top of his bow and his shoulders tightened. “If you’re not we could play” he continued hurriedly pointing to the discarded controllers.
Clint grinned “Oh you’re on!”
Bucky grinned back catching the controller that was tossed at his head and leaned back into the couch, feeling something like pride as he watched the tension leave Clint’s shoulders.
*************
Bucky came instantly awake with the knowledge that someone was in the room with him. He raised his head from the bed in the same instant drawing his weapon and spinning to face the door. Natasha artfully raised one eyebrow, her lips quirking slightly.
“Sloppy” she said as she walked forward sliding gracefully into the chair that Steve had vacated earlier.
Bucky rolled his eyes as he dropped back into his seat. Anyone else and he would have been annoyed, but Natasha remained the only living person who had ever managed to sneak up on him. “Dozed off” he muttered.
“Obviously” her gaze flicked to Clint’s still form “how is he?”
“As well as can be expected….idiot”
“He doesn’t actually get hurt just to make you angry you know.” She’d cleaned up since the battle and obviously slept some but she still looked tired, which meant she was worried. Natasha’s emotions were only visible when wanted them to be or when she was distracted.
“I know he doesn’t do it to make me angry, not specifically anyways. I just…I need him to be careful”
Natasha’s lips quirked again in her half smile “you should have seen him before you got together.”
“That doesn’t actually make me feel better…”
“After Loki…”Bucky drew his breath in sharply. He knew that Clint had talked to Natasha about what had happened, she’d been the one to bring him back after all, but he also knew that Clint held that experience closer than anything else in his life. “After Loki he always felt like he had something to prove, like he had to make up for it. You’ve been good for him.”
“He wasn’t in control!” Bucky said hotly. “He couldn’t have done anything differently.” Bucky had firmly believed that after what Hydra had done to him he had a firm understanding of rage; he’d had to reassess that after Clint had told him about Loki. He took a deep breath and pushed down the emotions that were threatening to spill over. “He’s never had anything to prove, and you can’t make up for choices you didn’t make in the first place.”
Natasha smiled sadly at him “like I said, you’ve been good for him.” They lapsed into silence after that, the sound of the monitor the only noise in the room.