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There are many ways people react to being high, and Beidou knew this. So she doesn't know why she was surprised when she found Kazuha on the highest point of The Crux, his head resting on his knees and his arms around his legs, staring off into space... or the ocean, rather.
Well, the kid had to get it out somehow.
Though, she didn't think he was really getting it out. Beidou knew that smoking was just another shitty coping mechanism people use to prevent having to feel, and that's why she was worried. That's also why she knew she needed to step in.
"Ay, Kazuha?" Beidou's loud voice asked, although she didn't know why she said his name like it was a question.
"Beidou?"
His voice would sound the same to anyone else, but she could tell he was hurting. There was a slight shake in his voice with a hint of hesitance, but it was all mixed with the usual "high" voice (which was not unusual to anyone when it came to Kazuha).
"Come down here, will ya?"
No response was needed as she saw his figure start to move down toward her. Sure, her vision has always been above average when it came to the nighttime because of her occupation. However, the moon shined directly onto Kazuha's face, displaying his saddened eyes and lowered eyebrows. It became more clear as he made his way to her, and her heart broke even more with every step he took.
It was odd to see him in this demeanor. Kazuha was normally calm, especially when he smoked, which is what its usual effect was.
Kazuha stood in front of Beidou, eyes not able to reach her own. This only made her more conflicted.
Beidou cleared her throat, “What’s up, kid? I know ya like listening to the wind before bed but we’ve gotta head to Liyue early in the mornin’.”
“I’m quite alright, Beidou. I just haven’t gotten tired yet,” he responded. His eyes focused on the floorboards of the ship, hoping this new conversation can transition into something else.
Beidou audibly sighed to show her ongoing concern for the boy.
The captain then did the unexpected. She held both sides of Kazuha’s face with her hands and tilted his head up to face her own.
“I’m a good listener, Kazuha. I know you have a lot going on inside of your head, and I know you aren’t alright right now. I’ll be here if you need someone to listen, yeah?”
Kazuha looked into her eyes as she spoke, seeing the sense of compassion she’s always had. He feels the rough bandage on his ear from her right hand, which trails up to the middle of her forearm. He feels as if she’s waiting for an answer, so he nods once.
Beidou moves both of her hands to each of his shoulders. “Now, go to bed and try to get some rest, ya need it.”
She doesn’t wait for a silent response this time, and instead ruffles his already messy hair and turns to walk away.
Suddenly, he reaches for her non-bandaged arm, holding it just light enough for her to stop in her tracks. He feels the roughness of her hand, along with the silver ring placed on her ring finger. When she turns around, he’s already looking at her with a pleading look in his eyes.
“Alright, alright, come here”, she assured him, motioning him to follow her. He complied, and both vision holders sat on the steps that were already close by. Their area was filled with silence, only the ocean and the wind able to be heard. The woman waited patiently for Kazuha to start talking, which he appreciated.
“Have you ever felt as if you have no meaning in this world?” he asked, voice monotone.
Beidou was taken aback by this question. So that’s what’s wrong.
“Ah, I suppose I have before,” she heard Kazuha lightly gasp at her response. He nodded for her to go on.
“Let’s just say my childhood wasn’t the best. I was deemed untrustworthy and called a curse just because of my name, can ya believe that? I had nowhere to go, so I was on the streets for a while. I was… lost emotionally and physically and I had no idea how to find myself. Now I have my own boat with my very own crewmates!” Beidou chuckled at the thought of all of her companions.
“I’m glad you’ve made it this far, Beidou,” Kazuha replies, a light but distant smile forming on his face.
“Why’d ya ask though?” Beidou questioned. Though she already knew part of the answer, she wanted Kazuha to open up.
“You’ve heard of my friend that died from the Musou no Hitotachi, correct?” Beidou nodded. “I can’t help but wonder what could have been done to prevent his death,” Kazuha breathed out as he let go of what he had been holding in for so long.
Beidou sighed as she turned her body to face the white-haired man directly. “There is nothing more you could have done, Kazuha.”
“But-”
“Nothing. You hear?”
Kazuha hesitates but nods in response. For once, he believes the fact that nothing that happened was his fault. His chest feels… oddly warm. He suddenly feels Beidou grab both of his hands and hold them together.
“He would say the same, Kazuha.” Her hands tighten against his own. “You’ve gotta trust me when I say that.”
“I do, Beidou.”
She lets go of his hands and moves her left one to ruffle his hair once again. “You’ll find your way to accept what happened eventually, ‘kay?”
Kazuha chuckled, “Okay, Caption Beidou.”
Her hand stayed on his head after messing up his hair, knowing that brought comfort to him from her observations. “Now, go to bed, son. We can continue talking tomorrow after our duties,” Beidou directed, using her strict tone to assure he’ll comply.
She sure does sound like a mother, Kazuha thought to himself.
They both stand up as Beidous hand falls to her side. He misses the contact, but he sees a bright smile shine his way, and he can’t help but grin back at it. Then, they both walk off to their rooms, no goodbye needed as Beidou knows she will be seeing him in the morning.
However, Kazuha can’t say the same.
_____________________________
Beidou wakes up early enough to see the sun finish rising, as she does every day. Something about waking up hearing the waves of the ocean crashing and her comrades chatting warms her soul. Everyone on her ship is familiar with the routine of preparing to set sail, she smiles at their compassion.
After a while, everyone is ready to head back to Liyue. That is until Beidou hears Yinxing say;
“Anyone seen Kazuha?”
Those three words themself shake Beidous's core. She knows there are many simple places he could be; his room, the bathroom, and the kitchen are places he obviously regularly visits, but he is always on the deck before anyone else is. Beidous mind runs back to the conversation they both had last night.
Shit.
Did I say anything wrong? Did he not understand what I was saying?
Her thoughts are suddenly cut off when her crewmates start talking again.
“Nah, I haven’t.”
“I tried looking for him earlier ‘cause I needed help with the flag up top. Couldn’t find the kid anywhere. I assumed he’d be out by now.”
“Haven’t seen him since dinner last night.”
Beidou sighed as she walked over near the edge of the steps to grab her claymore, attaching it to her back. She could feel eyes piercing through her skin in confusion. Before anyone could ask what was wrong she announced;
“Juza, please alert Lady Ningguang that we will be arriving later than anticipated.” She asked, making eye contact with the man. She then turned to face the rest of her crew and said, “Everyone, keep a lookout just in case he comes back while I’m gone.”
Beidou attempted to turn to walk toward the dock to get off of her ship, but a strong grip on her wrist stopped her.
“You cannot act on impulse, Cap’. We have no clue as to what his whereabouts are. I know you care about him but he knows how to take care of himself,” Yinxing assures.
“I know, Yinxing. But he’s-” Beidous shoulders drop in guilt. “He’s my kid.”
Yinxing’s face drops in shock, but also with a sense of endearment.
“Besides, I’m pretty sure this situation is a personal matter. Not that you all are close-.”
“We understand, Captain,” Huixing interrupts. The rest of the crew nods in agreement. Beidou smiles at the giant but loyal friend group she was blessed with by the Archons.
“We’re counting on you, Cap’,” Juza says. “Go find ya boy.”
Beidou nods as Yinxing lets go of her wrist. That’s exactly what she is going to do.
_____________________________
Was Beidou confident? Definitely. But did she have any idea where to look?
Absolutely not.
She knew there were a few places here that Kazuha went to for comfort, but none of them made sense. He knew that they were going to set sail this morning, so she knows for sure he had a good reason to not be ready this morning. Then she remembered;
“There is nothing more you could have done, Kazuha.”
“But-”
“Nothing. You hear?”
“He would say the same, Kazuha. You’ve gotta trust me when I say that.”
“I do, Beidou.”
“You’ll find your way to accept what happened eventually, ‘kay?”
It clicked for her at that moment. She knew where she had to go.
She didn’t know how long she ran, but she let out a sigh of relief when she saw a head of white hair a short distance away from her.
“Beidou?” the short male questions, not having to turn around at all.
“How the- ah, who am I kidding? ‘Forgot you have a sixth sense or somethin’,” Beidou jokes, trying to catch her breath from running.
Kazuha chuckles, his back still being turned towards Beidou. “Well you weren’t exactly quiet… Are you not aware I can hold my own out here?”
“Oh, trust me, I know,” Beidou smiles and shakes her head as she makes her way to stand right beside Kazuha. She can’t help but look at his face, seeing a look of sadness. Not only that, but he also looks… at peace? After a short while, she finally looks down at what Kazuha has been looking at.
“Is this his sword?” she can’t help but ask. She sees him close his eyes and let out a heartfelt sigh through his nose.
“It is.”
Silence fills the area, well, apart from the sounds of nature. Beidou sees Kazuha reach for his pocket to grab something. She sees him grab…
His friend's vision?
It wasn’t until then that she saw a small but deep hole in the ground next to the sword. Her heart sank.
“What are you doing, Kazuha?”
“I’m learning to let go. I cannot keep parts of him with me forever, Captain Beidou.”
“Says who?”
Beidou heard him sharply inhale and he quickly turned his body towards her. She held out her hands for Kazuha to put his own into hers. She could tell he was nervous, but he placed his hands softly onto hers, not prepared for how tight she was going to hold them.
“Kazuha,” she made eye contact with him. “Accepting does not mean letting go.” She felt his hands start to shake in hers, which just made her hold on tighter.
“Please do not let go of the memories you made with him. They may not always be in here,” she pressed her finger into his forehead lightly, not seeing the small smile form onto his face. “But they will always be in here,” she moved her finger to where his heart is. “That’s only if you allow them to stay. You can accept and make peace with the circumstances, but don’t make yourself forget what you both were before it happened.”
Tears threatened to spill from his eyes as he looked into dark red ones.
“So, what do you wanna do?” she asked him, giving him not only personal space, but mental space to think of what he wants to do. She smiles when she sees him clip the electro vision back to the spot next to his own. The captain holds out her arms and he rushes into them immediately. This hug feels different from any other she’s given or received. She feels a sense of protectiveness and understandment. Perhaps it’s because it’s Kazuha. She’s never seen him hug anyone but herself… maybe it’s new for him.
“Thank you, Beidou,” the white haired boy says, not breaking up the hug.
“For what, exactly?”
“For keeping me from doing something I would regret.”
“Hey, what else are captains for, huh? You ever want a hug, you better tell me.” Beidou grins, as she breaks up their hug. “Now, we should get back to the ship, yeah? Everyone’s been worried sick ‘bout ya.”
“Really?”
“You’re really doubting me? Did you not see the other day when I came back to the boat with the cut on my arm and they all freaked out?” Beidou raised her eyebrow at him.
“Yeah.. you’re right. Well, let's not keep them waiting.”
The captain agreed with him and they started their journey back. They were both glad no enemies were around, enjoying the relaxing fast paced walk back.
“You know,” Beidou started. “ You need to ease up on the smoking, young man. Ningguang has been all up my ass about it since she found out and she will not let it go.”
Kazuha smirked and shook his head. I bet she has been.
“Although I enjoy both of your bickering, I’ll ease up,” he confirmed.
“Don’t let her hear you say that, kiddo.”
Kazuha chuckled as Beidou kept talking about how “annoying” and “ridiculous” Ningguang is. He realized long ago that that’s how Beidou shows love… to Ningguang at least. He can’t help but smile at the situation. He feels… content. He feels happy.
It didn’t take long for them to make it back to the ship. Beidou was certainly not lying about her crewmates. He swears all of their faces light up as soon as he comes into sight of them.
Chatter fills the area of people saying “I’m glad you’re okay!” and “We knew you’d make it back!” and many other kind words that feel unreal. He can’t help but feel bad.
“I apologize for delaying everything. It was selfish of me.” Kazuha apologizes. He can feel Beidou’s eyes staring into the back of his head.
“Don’t apologize, kid.” Juza steps up. “We all have our days, right?”
Kazuha’s look of shock quickly turns into a grin. “Yeah.”
“Alright, everyone! Into your positions, please. We’re setting sail!” Beidou announces. Everyone complied quickly, and strangely enough, Kazuha joined Juza. He wouldn’t be able to tell you why, but it felt right.
Everything is going smoothly as usual. You’d expect nothing less from Captain Beidou.
Kazuha is looking up at the sky, listening to the light waves crash against the ship. The wind is louder today, which he can’t help but feel upset about.
“You know the Captain called you her kid?” he hears Juza ask.
Kazuha's entire thought process gets blown away. “Wh- really?”
“You’re that surprised? I’d have guessed you were her kid if you’d came along earlier.”
Silent shock still fills his head as he’s listening to Juza talk.
“Think about how much she cares about you. I’d guarantee she cares about you ten times more than you’re thinking right now.”
“You’re serious, Juza?” Kazuha can’t help but ask even after everything that has happened.
“I don’t know what happened out there, but once she realized you were missing, she didn’t hesitate one second to grab her claymore and go find you.” Juza stops to fix his own erratic hair. “Just think about it.”
Kazuha guesses he doesn’t really have a choice. The thought is engraved into his head now. He thinks back to when she first saved him. She has seen him at his worst and best times… yet she stayed.
He really does owe her his life.
_____________________________
“I see you have finally arrived,” Kazuha hears Ningguang’s voice say, clearly directed to Beidou. Kazuha is the last person to exit the ship, making sure that everything is secured in place.
“Hello to you too, Lady Ningguang,” Beidou playfully greets.
“Drop the formalities already, Beidou, your crew has already left.
“Hm.. still demanding as always, aren’t ya?” Beidou adjusts her eyepatch as she speaks.
“Just follow me. I need help with some things in the Jade Chamber.” Ningguang orders.
“Of course, My Lady,” Beidou jokingly bows and follows Ningguang.
“Are you coming, Kazuha?” he hears Ningguang say, not registering that she was speaking to him at first.
“You’d really like me to assist?” he asks her. You can never be too sure.
“Well, of course. Beidou cannot do all of the work… unfortunately.”
He chuckles and walks with the two as he hears Beidou start her long line of comebacks that feel like she’d written them down and memorized them. He wouldn’t be surprised. They were at the Jade Chamber before he knew it. He’d forgotten how beautiful the inside is, he couldn’t help but admire it.
“Now, Kazuha.” he hears Ningguang begin to talk to him. He hadn’t even realized that Beidou had already gone off to do her job. “Follow me, please.”
He follows, of course. He may not know Lady Ningguang that well, but if Beidou trusts her, then he does as well. Ningguang leads him to a room that is pretty much empty. There’s nothing much but a decent sized bed with a desk in it.
“I apologize if this seems unnatural for you. I figured you would need a quiet place to do the task that I am offering,” Ningguang says, a doubtful expression on her face that makes him frown.
“Do not worry, it is quite alright,” he assures her.
“I’m glad to hear that. Now, I would like to create a framed piece of poetry to go on one of these walls, and I would like your help creating it.” Ningguang turns to look at the wall, imagining how the framed art would look.
“Of course, I can help with that.”
Kazuha doesn’t mind doing handy work, but he’s glad that he can contribute to something that he’s confident in. He doesn’t know how long he and Ningguang sit at the small desk, but he enjoys it. He never would’ve thought her company would be as enjoyable as it is. Her voice knocks him out of his thoughts.
“I’ve realized how much Beidou cares for you,” she starts. “If she cares for you that much, then I would like to build a bond with you as well.”
He’s shocked at her words, but sees her fidgeting with a ring on her hand. On her left hand to be exact. It reminds him of Beidou’s ring… a lot.
Wait.
“Are you and Beidou married?” he can’t help but ask. She stays silent for a second, so he looks up to look at her face. A face that looks just as confused as his.
“She hasn’t told you?”
“She was supposed to tell me?”
“Well, she hasn’t really openly told anyone. I figured she’d accidentally spill it to you.”
Kazuha finds himself staring directly at Ningguang, her doing the same. A smile rises onto both of their faces and he hears Ningguang start laughing.
“That woman sure is something,” Ningguang laughs out. Kazuha chuckles along with her, agreeing with her claim.
“Definitely.”
Their laughter calms down as they both give content looks to each other.
“You know, if you’re ever in Liyue and want a different place to stay at, you’re more than welcome to stay here,” she offers. “I think that this room would be perfect for you.”
At this point, Kazuha cannot even count how many times he has been surprised today.
“Are you sure, Lady Ningguang?”
“Of course, and drop the “lady”. I am not afraid to get onto you about it just as I do with Beidou,” Ningguang warns.
The thought of it happening makes Kazuha laugh. “Yes ma’am.”
It turns out that he slept in the room Ningguang gave to him the day it was offered. Ningguang claimed that it was very late at night and that he and Beidou should stay at least for the night. He never would think that “for the night” would turn into “for the night(s you’re in Liyue)”. It wasn't until then that he realized... he was making poetry for his own room?
The night ends with him, Beidou, and Ningguang sitting outside together. They talk about countless things, and he can’t help but feel closer with them with every word that is said. The wind is peaceful tonight. The wind represents himself. It's finally calm and at peace after spending too long being erratic. He looks at the couple across from him, watching them argue and carry on with topics that may never resurface again. A smile finds its way to his face once again.
“I’m going to head on to sleep,” Kazuha declares, standing up from his seat.
“Goodnight, Kazuha,” Ningguang says, sending a smile his way.
“Goodnight, kiddo!” Beidou responds, standing up and flashing him a smile. She places a hand on his shoulder. “Get some rest, alright?”
Kazuha looks up at Beidou’s face and all he can see is…a soft hearted face looking at him. The only thing he can think of to do is hug her.
And so he does. Who is she not to hug back?
And if Kazuha made them both get into the routine of giving each other a hug before they go on to sleep every night, well… no one had to know that.