Chapter Text
An idea for an AU that I had and wanted to write !
CONTENT WARNING: This one-shot will contain themes of TRANSPHOBIA and HOMOPHOBIA from some of the characters. Please continue and read with caution !
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Leafpool stepped out into the camp clearing nervously.
He shivered as he left the warmth of the medicine den and entered the cool night air.
A perfect night to be curled against his warmth... He thought to himself. ...and a perfect night to tell him the truth. He felt his stomach twist with uncertainty.
Leafpool strut across the camp with faux confidence. As he came up to the guard at the camps entrance, he gave a nod. "Just going on for a walk." He said before promptly leaving, giving no time for the other cat to respond.
After walking a few fox lengths away, he let out the breath he didn't know he was holding in. He didn't like being secretive to his clanmates but he'd be damned to The Place of No Stars if they found out where he was going every night. I hope I didn't leave too quickly... What if that made me seem suspicious...? He cursed himself mentally but kept walking.
The forest was still, the only sound was of crickets in the undergrowth, but as Leafpool grew closer to the border between ThunderClan and WindClan, he could hear the sound of frogs croaking with the gentle flowing river.
He stepped up to the edge of the stream that broke off ThunderClan and WindClan's territory. "Crowfeather? You there?" He called in a half whisper.
A dark, lean figure stepped out of the heather on WindClan's side. Crowfeather smiled as he met Leafpool's eyes. "Of course. I wouldn't dare miss a night to meet up with my favourite she-cat."
His silky but grumbly voice felt like the touch of soft moss but Leafpool did his best not to cringe at 'she-cat.' This was the night he was going to tell Crowfeather that he wasn't one though. No matter what body StarClan put him in, he knew at heart that it didn't match who he really was.
All he could hope is that Crowfeather understands...
Leafpool's sister, Squirrelflight, was the first to find out his true self. Or perhaps more of 'figure out,' being honest.
Their odd ability to feel each others feelings on a level above normal siblings lead to Squirrelflight asking Leafpool about his feelings about being a she-cat.
He loved and trusted his sister more than any other cat and had shared his true feelings with her.
Squirrelflight had made Leafpool feel so confident in his certainty of his identity as a tom that he wasn't prepared for the reaction of some of his other clanmates when he came out to everyone.
He was scared Crowfeather would react the same way. With confusion, disgust, anger?
But Crowfeather loved him right? Their love for each other surpasses any silly things like gender, right...?
Leafpool snapped back to the moment. Not even sure how long he was standing there just staring at Crowfeather.
Crowfeather was just staring at Leafpool with a gentle smile, making Leafpool's belly flutter.
Crowfeather jumped the stream gracefully and Leafpool startled for a moment, still half lost in his thoughts. Crowfeather chuckled at his bewilderment. "Well you weren't coming over to me!" He mewed playfully.
Leafpool flushed. "W-Well, I-I was just..." He trailed off. Come on... I just need to tell him already. Get this over with! Leafpool shivered pleasantly as he felt Crowfeather brush against him. Crowfeather was circling Leafpool, a faint grumbling purr coming from him.
"So... Leafpool..." Crowfeather started, Leafpool could feel his breath on his ear as the lean tom stood behind him. "I've been thinking...~" He began slowly, his silky voice vibrating on Leafpool's ears. "and I wanted to ask if yo-" Despite the exhilaration Leafpool was feeling in the moment, the feeling of Crowfeather's hot breath on his ear, the touch of his long, skinny but well defined legs as he was standing half over Leafpool--Leafpool abruptly stood up, cutting Crowfeather off. "Wait!"
Crowfeather look taken aback and stepped a few paw lengths from Leafpool. "What is it?"
Leafpool took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly. "B-before you say anything... I-I have something I'd like to say first." He could feel his heart begin to pound against his chest (not that it wasn't already) with anxiety. It's now or never, Leafpool! Just say it. Tell him! "Crowfeather, I-I-I-"
Crowfeather took a step forward, a concerned look falling on his face. "Leafpool...? Is something wrong?"
Leafpool did his best to keep his breath steady. Why is this so hard! He cursed internally, although he knew full well why this was so hard, telling Crowfeather something that could potentially ruin their whole relationship if worse comes to worse! Great StarClan just tell him! He loves you more than whether you're actually a tom or not! Leafpool tried to convince himself but he couldn't swallow the pit in his throat that was stopping him from telling Crowfeather the truth.
"Crowfeather..."
"Leafpool...?"
"Crowfeather, I'm..."
"What!? What is it? Leafpool, what's wrong, you're worrying me!"
"Crowfeather I'm not a she-cat!" Mouse dung!
Crowfeather scrunched his face in confusion. "Hah ....... what?"
Leafpool looked Crowfeather dead in the eyes. "I'm not a she-cat... Crowfeather I'm a tom."
Crowfeather's confusion was replaced with awkward humour. "Hah. Err. Leafpool what are you talking about? You're clearly a she-cat, you smell like a she-cat, you sound like a she-cat, and obviously you have the parts of a she-cat!" He laughed awkwardly. "Where did this even come from? Are you trying to play some kind of joke on me?" He rolled his eyes, relaxing and smiling. "If that's all this was," He mrreowed and began moving closer to Leafpool. "I wanted to ask about mo-"
"No!" Leafpool interrupted, making Crowfeather freeze. "Crowfeather, this isn't a joke, I'm being honest with you!" Leafpool meowed, almost pleading. "I know that I smell like a she-cat... sound like one... and... etcetera... but I don't feel like one. I know in my heart that I'm a tom! I was just... given the wrong things...?" Leafpool felt unsure of how to try and have it make sense. "I just... I know I'm not a she-cat, okay? I'm a tom."
Leafpool watched Crowfeather's face but couldn't read it.
"But-But it doesn't change anything between us! I just- I just wanted to be honest with you if we're really going to be mates. ...You still want that, don't you...?" Leafpool could feel himself shrinking into himself with worry. He couldn't read Crowfeather's expression and he was stiff as a rock, no body language to give his feelings away.
Leafpool started to crawl up to Crowfeather only for Crowfeather to whip his head to look at Leafpool and hiss aggressively at him.
Leafpool's eyes shot wide, his fur instantly fluffing up is surprise and terror at his mates harsh reaction. There was a brief image of Crowfeather's soft and smiling face that popped into Leafpool's mind but quickly faded as he stared at the current reality.
Crowfeather was snarling at Leafpool. Even his clanmates that didn't like Leafpool's true self didn't react this THIS!
"Fox dung! You're not a tom, you're a she-cat, Leafpool! You can't just change what you were born as and I wouldn't mate with another tom, that's disgusting!" Crowfeather spit at Leafpool.
Leafpool's head started to feel fuzzy. Disgusting?
He barely noticed as Crowfeather got closer, shoving his face into Leafpool's. "Come on, Molly." He growled quietly. "Get those bees out of your brain."
Crowfeather relaxed his face and smiled. Leafpool still sat crouched in shock. "Leafpool~" He cooed. "Stop being a mouse brain," He hissed through gritted teeth before smoothing his voice again, moving his body to press against Leafpool's. "and let's talk about really getting serious~" He licked Leafpool's ear and Leafpool managed to move their gaze to Crowfeather's, that same fluttering feeling coming back for a heartbeat. "If you were a tom, how in StarClan's name would we be able to have kits together?~"
Leafpool gasped. "Kits!?"
Crowfeather smirked and nodded. "Of course kits." He whispered in Leafpool's ear.
The fluttering feeling Leafpool usually felt with Crowfeather turned into a heavy rock, making him feel sick. Kits!? But... Leafpool thought for a moment. It seem too bad, having kits. He had to admit that sometimes he would imagine a life where he raised kits with Crowfeather... but he never really considered how they'd be conceived.
He did know for sure that the thought of having them himself made him feel uneasy. He couldn't be a queen, he was a tom! Right? Leafpool groaned inwardly. What was even happening again...?
Leafpool frowned and quickly moved away from Crowfeather, something that he instantly regretted seeing the ticked off look Crowfeather gave.
"Crowfeather, please... Don't just change the subject, I want to talk to you! I love you and I don't want my true identity to ruin this... please..." Leafpool pleaded, feeling water pool into his eyes.
Crowfeather growled. "You're a she-cat. You can't just chose to be a tom and expect it to be true."
Leafpool's vision started to blur with the water filling his eyes. He felt sick and dizzy, was anything even real right now? He couldn't tell. "No, Crowfeather, please..."
Leafpool could barely even feel as Crowfeather lashed a pawful of claws at him, striking his forehead. The world felt fake and spun around in a blur. This is all too much. Crowfeather's growling and spitting was barely audible anymore, all of it just muffled sounds.
Leafpool could've sworn that he was falling as he watched the blurry black shape of Crowfeather hopping back across the river, more visible against the first streaks of red and orange in the sky.
Where did everything go?
Leafpool woke up with a jolt.
"What-" Leafpool swung his head around in a panic. Wha...? How did I get back to my den...
"Oh! Good, you're awake!"
Leafpool looked over to the voice. "Brightheart! Did you bring me back here...?"
Brightheart sat down in front of Leafpool with a gentle smile, tail wrapped around her paws. "The dawn patrol found you passed out by the WindClan boarder."
Leafpool cringed and he tried his best to keep his fur flat. "Ah- I- err..." Leafpool tried to think up a story but failed miserably. "Yeah." He meowed awkwardly.
Brightheart looked at him with... great, was that pity? Leafpool didn't want to be pitied... not now. "You don't have to say what happened, but Firestar is going to ask questions at the next gathering." She warned. "ThunderClan's medicine cat found passed out, with claw marks on their head, by the WindClan border? It's quite suspicious."
Leafpool sighed. He didn't want there to be conflict with WindClan but he wasn't sure what to say. I did technically get attacked by a WindClan warrior... He thought. The idea of Crowfeather getting in trouble for attacking a medicine cat sounded pretty good to Leafpool after last night... but at the same time he found himself worrying for Crowfeather. He hates me now... he attacked me for StarClan's sake!... but... I still love him... Leafpool just wanted to start sobbing.
Brightheart, still sitting there, bowed her head to Leafpool. "I dressed your wound, luckily it didn't seem very deep. I will leave you be if that is what you would like?" Brightheart meowed respectfully.
Leafpool inwardly groaned. Don't act like that, I don't deserve to be a respected medicine cat... He shifted himself in his nest awkwardly. "Err. Thank you, Brightheart," I'd love for you to stay... I'd love to have someone to talk to right now... "Y-yes, please. You did well." Ugh...
Brightheart bowed her head once more and began to walk out of the den before looking over her shoulder to say: "Oh and... Firestar wanted me to ask if you'd like company for tonight's halfmoon? Since you're hurt and all."
Leafpool shook their head. Of course my father would "Tell him I'll be okay. It's not like my legs are broken!" He tried to meow humorously just to lighten the mood a little bit.
Brightheart smiled at him and nodded before walking out of the den.
After Leafpool watched the last of Brightheart's tail leave, he pretty much instantly began sobbing uncontrollably. All of their emotions from last night coming out.
He choked on his own saliva and he fought to breathe properly from the pure emotion flowing out of them.
Fox dung! Fox dung! Fox dung! He kept swearing to himself in his head.
His body and mind numbed themself last night while everything was going down but now those negative feelings are actually coming out and it feels so awful.
Drool falls from Leafpool's mouth as he heaves for breath, giant tears fall from his eyes, staining the dusty floor of the medicine den.
Why! Why! Why! WHY! Why did this have to happen! Why do I have to be like this!?
Leafpool's face felt fuzzy as he continued to fight for control over his emotions.
Crowfeather hates me! My mate--
Leafpool suddenly dry heaved, the only thing spilling from his mouth being more saliva.
I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.
Leafpool shakily got up and walked to the medicine storage, hardly able to smell out the herbs or see them through all the tears in his eyes but, he did his best to grab some catmint, hooking it on his claw and bringing it up to his nose.
He does his best to sniff the calming herb through his crying nose but manages to get some whiffs, instantly helping him to calm down from his current state.
He sighs audibly and relaxes onto his haunches. He continues smelling the beautiful flower, it's scent bringing a peace to him. Thank StarClan for catmint, honestly. It's scent may not be to every cats taste but Leafpool has used it more than once to help relax him in situations such as these as well as giving it to other cats to line their nests with, especially those particularly stressed or anxious.
He's heard of a plant of a similar name that is supposed to be even better than catmint that more cats like but has never been able to find it.
Leafpool shakes his head. Okay, okay-- I'm fine, I'm calm... Leafpool sighed. I feel exhausted... I really don't want to have to go to the Moonpool tonight...
He looks out of his den. Err... when even is it-- I have no idea when I woke up...
Leafpool makes his way out of his den to check where the sun is. Mouse dung! I should've left earlier! He looked up at the sky to see it already darkening, moving into dusk.
He ignored the way his stomach growled while passing the fresh-kill pile and raced out of camp.Dear StarClan I hope they wait for me! He fretted as he ran through the forest to the path to the Moonpool.
He could catch the downwind scent of the medicine cats from the other clans, slowing down just a bit as he neared the spot that they were all waiting for Leafpool at.
"S-sorry!" Leafpool panted heavily, trying to catch their breath. "I left a little late but I came as fast as I could!"
Barkface, the WindClan medicine cat, held up a paw. "Don't worry, Leafpool, better come late than not coming at all, right?"
Leafpool looked to the side. "Err... I suppose so..."
He caught the eye of the RiverClan medicine cat, Mothwing, after noticing her staring at him.
The she-cat quickly looked away, making Leafpool curious for a moment before realising why she was probably staring. Ugh... I probably look like a total mess right now don't I...?
What a day for Leafpool.
His lover rejected him, passes out for half the day, wakes up just to instantly have a panic attack, hasn't even gotten to eat or groom himself before having to rush to the halfmoon meeting...
Why StarClan...
Barkface pipes up again. "Well, we should head up before it gets later."
Littlecloud, the ShadowClan medicine cat, chuckles. "If it's not already going to be sunrise by the time we make it up there!"
Leafpool gives a half hearted smile and follows the other medicine cats up the path to the Moonpool, taking up the tail of the group so that no one else can notice what a mess Leafpool is at the moment.
He climbs the slope, legs shaking with exhaustion, his empty belly not helping.
He notices Mothwing peaking back at him, once again looking away after Leafpool catches her in the act.
Leafpool hangs his head in embarrassment. I know I look like a rabbit caught by a dog but you don't have to keep looking... He sighs.
They make it up to the pool and as the other medicine cats take their places and lean down to share dreams with StarClan, Leafpool finds himself hesitant. I want an actual nap! I won't be able to handle a dream with Yellowfang in it--
"Psst."
Leafpool looks to the side to see Mothwing bent over the water, eyes closed, looking to be just about to touch the water to enter dreams with their ancestors, but Mothwing cracks open an eye then sits up upon seeing Leafpool's attention on her.
Leafpool cocks an eyebrow, confused. "Why aren't you sharing dreams with StarClan?" He whispers to the fluffy she-cat.
Mothwing gives a small smile. "Why aren't you?"
Leafpool flushes with embarrassment. "I-- err..."
Mothwing shifts. "I wanted to talk to you." She meowed with concern in her voice.
Huh...? "Err... okay. What about?"
"You seem quite aloof. Is there something bothering you?"
Leafpool eyed the golden medicine cat. "...No. I'm fine, thank you." I've barely even talked to you, why are you worried about me?
Mothwing looked away from Leafpool. "Alright." She said curtly but softly.
Leafpool lowered his head. Why am I even being so suspicious right now!? I'm above the paranoid warriors thinking every other clan is only out for information. She's always seemed nice enough and maybe talking to her would take off some of this emotional stress....
He looked up to glace at Mothwing. The medicine cat was sitting calmly with her head turned to the side. Leafpool stared silently for a moment, studying the pretty she-cat. "Err..."
Mothwing swung her head around to face Leafpool, who flushed and averted her gaze. "Something... err... something is bothering me, you're right..." He started, slowly meeting her stare. Something about Mothwing's eyes gave Leafpool a strange calm. He could feel the she-cats amber-yellow eyes almost cutting into Leafpool's skin but it somehow still felt warm and safe.
Mothwing turned her body towards Leafpool and laid down, tucking her paws underneath her body. She blinked slowly at Leafpool and nodded for him to continue speaking.
Leafpool let out a deep breath. "Err..." How do I start this... He looked over at the other medicine cats who were still stuck inside their dreams with StarClan before returning to look at Mothwing.
He closed his eyes for a moment. Wait- He stopped himself. Am I really about to tell this cat everything? I hardly know her personally! She's often quiet at Gatherings and there's not much time to talk at meetings since I'm supposed to be sharing dreams with StarClan... He opened his eyes to meet Mothwing's again. Through her guarded eyes, he could see concern for the tom peeking through.
She's sitting there waiting for me to speak... Leafpool bit his lip. Am I really going to do this?...
He wasn't sure why but he felt safe to talk to Mothwing about his issues, telling her about Crowfeather... about his gender identity. His chest felt tight but he didn't feel scared.
"I..." He took in a breath and let it go slowly. "I err... lost my lover. My... mate." Leafpool's voice shook as he paused to watch Mothwing's reaction. But all he saw was sympathy on the she-cat's face.
"Err... I-I know medicine cats aren't supposed to take mates but-- I loved him..." Leafpool could feel tears threatening to well up. "I r-really l-loved him... a-and I told him- I-I told him something really important a-about m-myself but h-he didn't take it w-well a-a-and-" He choked back a sob, tears began spilling from his eyes.
He rapidly blinked out the tears blurring his vision as he felt the warm body of the large she-cat move to his side. He blinked up at Mothwing who was looking at Leafpool with sad eyes. Leafpool took a stuttered breath and continued.
"I-I th-thought it would be okay... I thought- I thought that... he loved me enough to see through it... b-but h-he h-h-hates me now!" Leafpool did his best not to cry out but it proved difficult.
"I thought he wouldn't care if I was a tom but he said the idea of a tom mating with a tom disgusted him and he kept referring to me as a she-cat, he called me a molly, and- a-and-" Leafpool choked on a sob.
Fox dung! Leafpool felt the blood drain from his face and he started at Mothwing with scared wide eyes. I just told her I'm a tom!
But Leafpool didn't see anger or disgust on Mothwing's face. Only sorrow and sympathy. Leafpool sat staring at Mothwing, mouth slightly agape. He stayed still and the she-cat leaned over to brush her cheek against his.
"I'm so sorry, Leafpool." Mothwing mewed quietly.
'W-what?" Leafpool felt puzzled. "W-why are you apologising?"
Mothwing pressed her nose to Leafpool's forehead. "Because you don't deserve to be treated like that. He's the reason you have this wound, isn't it? It feels hot, you should've redressed it before coming, it might be infected."
Leafpool felt light-headed for a moment. Breathe Leafpool, breathe. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Leafpool was silent for a moment, honestly a bit confused of why Mothwing seemed to care so much.
"I-I..."
Leafpool could feel Mothwing taking off the dressing Brightheart put on earlier and begin gently licking the area. He couldn't help but to start purring... it felt nice to be taken care of, especially as the one usually caring for others.
"M-Mothwing... so- y-you don't... I mean..." Leafpool paused for a moment. "You don't mind that I'm not actually a she-cat...?"
Mothwing paused grooming to meet Leafpool's eyes. "Why would I?"
Leafpool was silent, not really having an answer. He never understood why some cats did have an issue with it. "W-well... I... I don't know..." He trailed off.
Mothwing giggled then sighed. "Some cats are scared of what they don't understand. Fear makes them react with anger and disdain. It's silly but there's not much you can do about it. Sometimes all it takes it time and they'll forget about that fear and anger... sometimes they'll never stop fearing it." Mothwing once again looked sorrowful. "and I understand how hard it is to have a cat you love act in such a way..." She looked away sadly.
Leafpool frowned and set reached out a paw. He would've liked to hold Mothwing's paw but she was still "loafed" as Cody described it once.
Mothwing looked back at Leafpool with a soft, sad smile. She pulled out one of her paws to rest on Leafpool's. "Don't worry. Like I said, sometimes it takes time. If those cats still chose to fear then that's on them." Mothwing finished firmly.
Leafpool nodded. "Mothwing... T-Thank you for letting me talk... and for understanding."
The golden she-cat smiled and pressed her nose to Leafpool's. "I could tell you you hurting... and I know that coming here to talk to StarClan is very important to your culture... but you needed to talk."
'Your culture'...? Mothwing seemed to be able to tell of Leafpool's confusion as she started meowing again. "You told me am important secret of yours, so I'll share one of mine..." She started quietly. "Leafpool. I don't believe in StarClan."
Leafpool gasped. "How could yo-" He started but quickly stopped himself from continuing. "I'm sorry, it would be unfair of me to judge you when you respected my feelings so much..."
Mothwing purred. "It's okay. I know how much the Clans beliefs mean to you all. I just can't share that... I believe that you guys come here to dream, but they're just that. Dreams." Mothwing looked away from Leafpool. "and I can't believe that a bunch of dead cats suddenly become all powerful and wise just because they died!" Mothwing side glanced at Leafpool, almost with a pleading look in her eyes.
Leafpool stayed silent but eventually bowed his head. "Well... I suppose I can understand what you mean, even if I don't agree." Leafpool thought for a moment. "Thank you for trusting me with your secret, Mothwing." He smiled.
Mothwing faced Leafpool again with a kind smile and Leafpool could've sworn he felt a familiar flutter in his belly.
Leafpool and Mothwing turned their heads as there was the sound of shuffling beside them. Barkface and Littlecloud were waking from their dreams.
Wow. For how short the dreams with StarClan always feel, they were asleep for a long time. Leafpool cast a look at Mothwing. So does she just sit here for so long if she doesn't share dreams with StarClan?
Littlecloud stood up and arched his back in a stretch. He looked over to Mothwing and Leafpool. "Oh, you two are already up?" He questioned, Barkface also looking over at the two cats.
Leafpool felt awkward. "Err. Yeah. Shorter dreams than you both, I suppose."
Littlecloud and Barkface shared a look but didn't question any further.
"Let's go now. I have something urgent to share with Tallstar." Barkface mewed quickly, shifting back and forth on his paws.
Mothwing nodded and stood up, towering over Leafpool now. He felt a sudden awe at seeing the large she-cat over him. Her soft, golden fur was so thick and warm, he wished she would be sat next to him forever.
Leafpool shook his head. What am I even thinking!?
All four of the medicine cats began down the hill, Barkface keeping a brisk pace.
At the foot of the slope to the Moonpool, Barkface bowed in a goodbye before heading back to WindClan territory. Littlecloud did the same, leaving Mothwing and Leafpool alone.
Mothwing bowed her head to Leafpool but had a gleam in her eye. "See you again soon, yeah?"
Leafpool could sense some kind of undertone but couldn't tell what it was. "Yes, in another half moon, at the Gathering."
Mothwing smiled. "Sure thing, Tomcat." She winked.
Leafpool could feel his body heat up. It felt good to be referred to as his correct gender but something about Mothwing saying it just made it even better.
As he watched Mothwing begin to trot off he called to her. "Wait!" Ack! What am I even doing?
Mothwing looked back with a mischievous smile. "Hm?"
Leafpool swallowed. "M-meet me by the lake, on the border of yours and ShadowClan's territory? T-Tomorrow night."
Mothwing purred. "It's a date!" She hopped off in the direction of WindClan territory, to cross to RiverClan territory at the other side.
Leafpool felt his heart beating fast.
It's a date.