Chapter Text
2019
Yoongi hated himself as he stood in-front of the building, looking back to what had been his life for the past nine years. When they debuted a little less than six years ago, he would have never thought it possible that one day he would walk away from all this willingly.
He wouldn’t, if there was any other way to solve this. But it had been made clear to him that he had no other choice. He hadn’t really realised what happened yet.
Everything felt so unreal.
He couldn’t believe this was happening. His whole life was in shambles. There was no other way, he knew that. But it was so hard to leave. It hurt so much. Leaving behind his dreams, his music, his family. It was all too much. He couldn’t stop the tears welling up in his eyes, threating to fall down his cheeks. The mask he was wearing slowly growing soggy as it stopped their descent, doing its best to hide the despair lacing his eyes.
There was nothing left for him here to do.
The worst of it all, was, that he didn’t even get to say goodbye. The others would hate him for this, he was sure of it. They wouldn’t understand why he never came back. He wished he’d had the chance to talk to them, to explain. But alas the only thing he could do was to stare at the building slowly leaving his vision as he was quickly dragged away. Harsh hands gripping his own as he had no other choice than to simply follow along. Numbness spreading in his mind and soul the further they moved away from everything he knew.
Late at night, at his new home, trying to desperately zone out and ignore what was happening to him, he couldn’t help but remember the conversation he’d had with one of their managers this morning:
Yoongi stared down at the documents in-front of him, then back at Sohee sitting beside him and up to Jinho once again. Hoping desperately his alarm would go off in a few minutes and he could wake up from this nightmare or anything else would happen that showed him this was not really happening. When after a moment nothing like that happened and no one jumped out of the closet to reveal this as a bad prank, he couldn’t help but take in a sharp breath.
He had been pinching himself hard enough to leave bruises ever since this meeting started but even that didn’t help. He was in fact still sitting in this conference room, shocked at the news the other two just confronted him with. No one was coming for him. No one was gonna safe him from this. There was nothing he could do.
Despair started growing in his belly, slowly spreading throughout his entire body. He couldn’t believe this was really happening to him. It felt like a bad movie scene.
“You… you can’t do that!”, Yoongi finally managed to get out, his voice shaking.
The manager smiled at him coldly, sliding the packet of papers in-front of him closer for Yoongi to see, before leaning back with a sigh.
“I am afraid you’ll see we won’t even have to Yoongi. Look at the stats, these are all predictions of how things will turn out for Bangtan if you stay a part of the group through the scandal that will definitely follow this. Maybe you should have thought harder before putting yourself into a situation that could ruin your own and your members reputation. Even if some of the fans would react well to the news, the great majority wouldn’t. This would be the end of BTS. Do you want that? Are you sure you want to ruin your members lives like that? I don’t think that’s what you want. I am sure you don’t want your members to lose everything they have worked for because of your own little escapades.”
“I don’t want to leave, there must be a way…” Yoongi trailed off. Sohee cutting in as he desperately tried to find a way out of this.
“So, you will just abandon me and your unborn child after all we have been through together?!”, she screeched, disgust filling her face. The rage and calculation he could see underneath scared him. He saw manager Jinho flinch at her words. The manager looked at Sohee, before quickly diverting his eyes.
It felt like something more was going on between the two of them, but Yoongi couldn’t figure out what it was. Seeing how Jinho cowered in front of the woman, Yoongi knew this deal was sealed. There was nothing he could do about it. Sohee must have something on the manager for the usually very assertive man to act like this around her.
Trying to calm his racing heart he took a few deep breaths. He couldn’t give up like this. There must be something he could do. This just couldn’t happen. Not to him. Hadn’t the past few months been hard enough? Hadn’t Sohee taken enough of him already?
While the other two conversed about the contract details, Yoongi kept his eyes downcast, desperately trying to come up with something. To find a solution and get himself out of this.
“Yoongi.”
Jinho was now wearing a sympathetic expression that made Yoongi’s stomach turn. It just looked wrong on his face, now, that Yoongi knew how deep the man’s betrayal truly went.
“As Sohee said so eloquently, I am sure you wouldn’t want this situation to get back to BTS, now that the team has finally started to get some recognition around the world. It’s not a hard choice here. We can either let you stay in the group and ride out the scandal, possibly ruining our friends’ careers in the process and giving your unborn child no chance to grow up in a nice world. Imagine the hate a child like that would get from the public. And all just because of their father’s misgivings.”, he took a dramatic breath, looking at Yoongi with a bored expression, like this was all nothing to him. “Or, you can seize all contact to the company and your members and raise your child in silence, away from the spotlight and all the hate. Just live a peaceful life with your own family.”
Yoongi couldn’t help the little flutter in his chest at Jinho’s words, reminding him that he was a dad now, or would be soon at least. There wasn’t just his own life to consider now. There was the baby to consider. A small, little, innocent baby. His kid. Could he really do this. He didn’t know. There was Sohee to consider as well, but he felt bile rise just thinking about that. He tried his best to shove the thought away. Yoongi had so far been able to mostly ignore the woman’s presence at his side. He really didn’t plan on changing that.
“I wouldn’t be able to visit them?”, he asked, still thinking about his members more than anything else.
Jinho shook his head, office chair squeaking as he shifted his arms to lay flat on the table. “No. It would be for the best, Yoongi, your presence would only distract them and be upsetting for the members.”
“I…”, Yoongi didn’t know what to say. Jinho was right, there really was no solution. His presence would only hinder the members’ career. They wouldn’t want to see him after this anyways. He was sure that they would hate him after he betrayed them like this. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the ground, flinching when Sohee put her hand on his leg. What might seem like a reassuring gesture from an outside point of view, Yoongi knew, was just done to remind him who was in charge here. To show him that there was nothing he could do to stop this.
Sohee was in control, not him.
He would do anything to be home with his members, his family, right now. Wishing he could just go back and leave this all behind. That the past four months didn’t happen and he was still the same Yoongi he was at the beginning of the year.
It felt like heaven to imagine this all being a bad nightmare. Waking up tomorrow and being back at the dorm, in the safe hands of his friends. But he knew this was reality. He knew Jinho was right. He was bad. He had fucked up - majorly. He had to leave. He loved his members more than anyone else, but he would only bring them despair. It would be better to just leave. They would be better off without him.
The air felt heavy. There was a pressure on his chest with every breath he tried to take. The four walls of the office closing in on him. He felt himself slipping. The only thing still tethering him to earth was Sohee’s harsh grip on his thigh.
Yoongi glanced up, heart hammering in his ears. “I have other matters to attend to, so we need to clear this up today”, Jinho broke him out of his stupor. But it was the sharp reprimanding exhale of ‘Yoongi’ from Sohee that led him to make the most heartbreaking decision in his life.
Now he was lying here, on a shitty couch in a shitty apartment. Sohee was sleeping peacefully next to him, while Yoongi was trying to come to terms with everything that happened today.
He didn’t know what to do, he was confused how he ended up here.
Just a few months ago he was happy. How could everything change so much in the span of weeks?
He asked himself what the members were up to. Had they already realised that he was gone for good? Had Jinho told them right away? What were they thinking?
They must be confused. He wished he had been given the chance to explain. Maybe he should have spoken up sooner. Talked to Namjoon or Seokjin about what was going on. He knew they cared about him. They would have helped him. A few times he was close to spilling his guts to one of the two, but something always stopped him. Just a few days ago - as Namjoon and him were in the studio pondering about some rap lines - he had been close to speaking up. Ironically it was Jinho who entered the room to tell them to get to practice that stopped him from doing so.
Turning onto his right side, Yoongi couldn’t stop the thoughts flooding his mind.
What were the fans going to think of him? When would they get to know that he was gone, that he was no longer part of the group that was his life? Would they even care? They would surely hate him. Everyone would hate him. Hate him for leaving the group, hate him for disappearing without an explanation. He was too young to have a family. How was he going to take care of them without his music to make money, there was nothing else he could do, music was his only talent. The others would hate him now, he could never let himself be seen openly in public again. How was he going to take care of a little baby? Living with Sohee would break him, he couldn’t, he didn’t, he…
Thoughts racing through his head, he was unable to stop the tears silently leaking from his eyes. Heavy sobs trying to rip through the night. Curling into himself, Yoongi tried his best to keep it together. He was a father now. He couldn’t freak out like this. Sohee needed him. The baby needed him. Right here, even though Sohee was right besides him, he felt lonelier than ever before. Slowly he cried himself to sleep.
The next few days were filled with pain. Yoongi missed his members, he missed his music - but life had to go on.
Sohee was dragging him to appointment after appointment. First the bank, to get his finances settled, then the lawyer to sign more documents and lastly the real estate manager. Sohee wanted a nicer apartment.
So far, they had been crashing at her old apartment. It was a one bedroom flat and therefore not suitable for a family to live in. Yoongi felt numb to everything that was happening around him. He just followed along with Sohee’s plans. It wasn’t like he had a say anyways.
He’d tried to speak up at the bank appointment, regretting his defiance soon after when they got home and Sohee shoved him into the wall, screaming how he had embarrassed her. He’d learned his lesson then.
They spend a week, looking at apartments until Sohee found one that she liked. It had a big master bedroom and a smaller bedroom for their child. The living room and kitchen were connected by a half open concept. The master bedroom had a bathroom and a walk-in closet attached to it, but there was another bathroom down the hall. There was a smaller room, more like a pantry or storage room as well. It was the most expensive one of all the apartments they had visited. Sohee paid for it with Yoongi’s money. His money that wasn’t really his anymore. He had signed his rights away after all.
He was numb. Everything felt unreal. He wasn’t sure what was happening to him. He just followed along, listening to what Sohee was saying, doing what she told him to do. That was his new life after all.
The announcement came soon after.
It was a couple weeks later, when he woke up in the morning to his phone blowing up with notifications. Sohee had deleted his texting apps and anything else he could use to contact his members or friends. Not like he would have done so anyways. No matter how much he missed them, how much he hated this, he knew they deserved better. They deserved better than him. He was a coward. He had run away.
He groaned, getting up quietly as not to wake Sohee from her sleep. It was better for him, if she slept a little longer.
Going to the table he checked his phone. It was all over the news. It was all people seemed to talk about.
Already, there were hundreds of articles speculating about the situation. He googled the announcement, wanting to read the real thing, before diving into all the rest. The announcement was short and clean. Politically correct. Coldly describing his future absence from any BTS schedules. Nothing personal in there. Nothing at all. No empathy. No real explanation.
Yoongi wasn’t sure what he expected. He didn’t expect them to make a big scene, to expose him or anything like that. Nonetheless it was hard to read this short and cold statement.
He wasn’t surprised that they had used the excuse of artistic differences as the reason of him leaving. It was the most reasonable pick, since there had been no scandal to justify his departure from the group. He also wasn’t surprised at the members’ silence through it all. He couldn’t imagine how hurt and betrayed they must feel. Of course, they wouldn’t want to expose those feelings to the public.
He wondered if they had tried to call him, to reach him. Did any of his other friends try to reach out? He would never know.
The weeks of radio silence between them had hurt him, even though he knew it was his own fault and they had no way to reach out to him. He couldn’t imagine how much more it must have hurt for them. He wasn’t surprised that BTS stayed radio silent through it all, away from the world and the answers it demanded.
Reading through article after article and twitter post after twitter post, Yoongi couldn’t stop the tears rolling down his cheeks. He felt bad for the fans. They were shocked and confused mostly. Some were sad and some were angry. Disbelief and the big question of why on the forefront of every single message. He would love to give them an explanation. Tell them what was going on. He wanted his fans to be happy and now they were crying.
He knew he needed to stop. If Sohee woke up and found him like this she’d be pissed. He didn’t want to anger her. It wasn’t his responsibility anymore to care for his members, to care for his fans. Sohee had made that clear. He was still sprouting the black eye he had gotten for questioning her two days before.
This was his life now, she’d made sure he knew.
He was to only concentrate on her and their baby. Looking after and feeding their family, not get distracted by wallowing in old feelings and idol shit as she not so subtly called it.
He didn’t know where all her hatred of the industry came from. How she could hold so much contempt for an entire industry. Even more so, why she still worked for that exact industry, if she hated everything about it so much. He just wished he had seen it sooner. That he had talked to somebody. That he had taken it to Namjoon or anyone else, when her words and touches started to make him feel more than uncomfortable.
Knowing everything he knew now, he wasn’t surprised things turned out the way they did.
Sohee planned this from the beginning. He was sure of it. No matter how far his denial reached, this was something he couldn’t even hide from himself. She had planned this.
Not even using him, as the member of her choice, was a coincidence. Deciding that she wanted him had probably been more strategic than anything else. He was the member earning the most. His royalties and other collaboration projects paying off. Due to that, he was, at least for now, the member with the highest salary out of all of them. The only one cutting it close was Namjoon.
Namjoon must have felt unapproachable to Sohee. He was the leader, the rock, the foundation of the group. He was sure in himself, appearing to be full of confidence and sure in himself. Yoongi was the opposite of that. Close staff members like Sohee had been, knew about his struggles with anxiety and depression. That he had a hard time talking about his feelings. That he had received therapy for his mental issues. That he was the member to try a figure out all of his problems by himself. Not telling anyone when he was struggling. That he was insecure and unsure of himself as well as his music. That he wasn’t sure what the future would hold for him. That his only dream was to create music and be accepted for it. Sohee knew all that and blatantly used it against him.
It had been easy to target him, isolate him and finally get him to do anything she said. She played him. Played with him and his feelings.
It had been easy to get him where she wanted him to be. Way too easy actually. He cursed his past self for being so gullible, for letting pride and fear stop him from talking to somebody, anybody.
Be that as it may, there wasn’t any sense in thinking about it now. It was done. There was no way for him to go back. Even if he was able to explain everything, he knew the members wouldn’t understand. They would hate him for what he did, and never want to speak to him again.
Sohee was right, he was truly useless, wallowing in self-pity when he was supposed to look for a Job. Reding dumb articles about a person that didn’t exist anymore.
Suga had died the day he left.
He was Min Yoongi now and Min Yoongi alone.
Yoongi put his phone away, deleting his browser history. He properly sat down at the kitchen table and opened Sohee’s laptop to browse for Jobs. After all they wouldn’t be able to keep their little one fed on nothing. He was glad Sohee was still sleeping peacefully, not knowing that he had broken her rules. He wasn’t allowed to search for his members. For any news about the idol industry really. It was the same reason he wasn’t allowed to watch TV anymore, or have any unsupervised apps on his phone.
He had lost the privilege of TV-time a week ago, when Sohee found him on the living room floor, crying, re-watching one of their old interviews.
It was still unbelievable to him how everything had changed in such a short amount of time. It was only a few weeks back that he was sitting in the kitchen with Seokjin, musing about their future as a band. It had only been half a joke, when they said that one day BTS would storm the world with their music. He still couldn’t believe the recent success they’d had abroad, especially in America.
Such a short time, since he had willingly left his old life behind. Such a short time rationally, but to him it felt like ages. It felt like he had been here for ages. The first week had gone by fast. Sohee dragged him all around. He barely knew where his head was at. The past few weeks were harder. He wasn’t allowed to leave the apartment anymore. Of course, he could just leave when Sohee was not there, but he’d rather not face her wrath if she discovered his disobedience to her new rule. He wasn’t to leave the apartment until he finally found a job or the baby was there.
She explained that rule with her own fear and anxiety of something happening to him. At first, he thought she was joking, saying that it would scare her and put her in a frenzy if she came home and he wasn’t there.
But then it actually happened. He was just about to leave the door, when she caught him, coming home from work herself. She desperately asked him where he was going and when he couldn’t provide an answer fast enough, she panicked. The stress the whole situation put on her had been horrifying – she had been horrifying.
He would never forget the screams of fury leaving her. A little later fury turned into pain, as she trembled in his arms, hoping against all hope that the stress wouldn’t take her baby away.
Much, much later Yoongi would realize that this was just another one of Sohee’s games. She had played him once again.
He would realise, that he should have taken that last opportunity he had, and run as far away as possible. He should’ve left her when he still had the chance to do so.
But then, he didn’t know what to do. He’d never been in a situation like this.
The next few months were spent in that luxurious apartment of theirs. Trying to figure out this new life of his, and surviving the drastic mood swings Sohee easily explained away with pregnancy hormones.