Work Text:
Naga knew that he would never have it easy trying to learn about emotions and how to feel them properly. He knew it would take a while to achieve what he wanted. But, even so, it hurt to see everyone else so freely expressing themselves while he still struggled to show the right emotions around them.
It had been worse since the whole Akyanba situation. He couldn't help but see how sometimes everyone looked at him when he started messing up his display of feelings for them. The look he had grown used to from all the strangers him and Balance had met as they traveled the galaxy together. Ones who felt unnerved by him.
It was a late night. Naga couldn't sleep. His mind wouldn't stop replaying an earlier scene where he had messed up. He hadn't expressed the emotions he was meant to and it had made everyone feel awkward. He knew they didn't mean to make it feel that way, but they had. He felt disappointed in himself. He should know better about what emotions are appropriate at what times.
Why couldn't he feel them properly? Why did his kind get cursed with having such horrible reactions to emotions? Why couldn't they have found a different way than taking away everything that made them unique?
He really just wanted to feel something genuine for once. Something that he didn't have to think over. Something his body and mind knew what was the right emotion to feel because of it.
That was when his mind wandered dark. There was one thing that had been eating at his mind ever since a certain incident had happened. Would hurting himself bring out emotions too? Could he actually feel something like everyone else if he did that, even if it was only temporary?
Naga knew reasonably it was a bad thing to do. He shouldn't hurt himself. That wasn't a good thing to do to his body. But it was enticing. The thought that even just for a brief moment he could feel things like everyone else...
Naga got off his bed. He wandered into the bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror. Was he really debating it? If he did that... wouldn't everyone be even more disappointed in him than they already were? Disappointed that he was seeking other ways to find emotions than through their help.
He didn't really know how to do anything. This wasn't something his kind did, after all. It was never talked about before. Until he had left and met with countless others, he never knew that was something someone would do.
Naga knew what was often used. He had a razor. He just wasn't sure how to get the blade out of it. But, he fiddled with it until finally he managed to get it out. He held the piece of metal in his hand and stared at it.
If he did this... there was no going back. He would have to live with the knowledge of what he had done for the rest of his life. Even if no one else ever found out about this, it would always haunt him. Especially if the day did come that he was able to express his emotions much better than he could now.
Naga pressed the blade to his wrist. He held it there, hesitating. His breathing sped up. And then, he did it. One cut.
It hurt. It hurt a lot more than he had been expecting. Had he gone too rough? Maybe it was meant to be done gentler? Naga had no idea. But he knew it hurt and he couldn't ignore that feeling. The emotions that came from what he did were unknown to him. He had never felt this way before. He didn't know what to describe these feelings as, but he liked that he was able to feel these ones so effortlessly.
Another cut. Just to see if the emotions would change. They did. It got stronger from that cut.
Naga stared at his arm. The two cuts bled freely, getting blood on the sink. The blade dripped blood as well. The sight made him feel sick.
Reality finally came crashing down on Naga. He realized just what he was truly doing. How horrible this was to do. Now everyone would hate him for this. He had done something he shouldn't have because he was impatient.
Naga dropped the blade. It clattered into the sink. His hand shook as the weight of what he had done sunk in more. He felt horrible. Anxiety was racing through him. That emotion he could feel well.
He grabbed the hand towel hanging nearby and pressed it to his wrist. He sunk to the ground, pressing his back against the sink.
Just what had he done...? Naga didn't know what to do. His arm hurt a lot. He didn't know if he could tend to the cuts on his own. But, that meant telling someone he had done this. Naga didn't know if he could get the courage to do that.
He grabbed the small first aid kit that he had under the sink and tried to clean the cuts as best he could. They did stop bleeding. That was a start.
He was able to clean and disinfect the cuts easily, but was struggling to get the bandages wrapped around it. He needed to hide them. But, he couldn't get the wrap to stay.
Naga felt tears in the corners of his eyes. Was this frustration? He couldn't do anything right. That seemed like an appropriate response to the situation.
Naga slowly got to his feet. As much as he wanted to hide, he knew deep down that he needed to tell someone. He couldn't hide this. He would be found out one way or another. He'd rather be the one to tell.
So, he left his room and took a slow and unsteady walk to someone else's room. He had a particular person in mind. Someone who might understand what had happened. Someone who might not be too upset about everything. That was what he hoped for, at least.
Naga stopped outside a room. He hesitantly knocked. Sure, he could enter without that, but felt he should give a warning. Especially with the reason he was coming here.
The door opened.
"Naga? Why are you up so late...?" Stinger stood before him, not seeming the most pleased at the sudden disturbance.
Naga couldn't look him in the eyes as he replied, "I... I... can I come in?"
"Yeah." Stinger raised an eyebrow, but stepped back.
Naga entered the room. The moment the door closed behind him, he broke. Tears started falling out of his eyes. He couldn't stop them.
"Naga?!" Stinger grew concerned at the sudden display of emotions. He pulled him into a hug on instinct.
"Stinger... I..." Naga swallowed hard. "I... did something bad..."
"Something... bad?" Stinger repeated.
He let go of Naga and stared at him. He looked puzzled. Naga stared at the floor and moved his arm into view.
Judging from the long silence that followed, it seemed like Stinger was in shock. Naga just hoped he'd not be too harsh with his words. He knew he made a mistake. He just wanted help trying to make it better.
"Naga... what happened?" Stinger's voice was quiet and gentle as he finally spoke.
"I... wanted to... feel something..." Naga mumbled. He didn't know how to explain the complex thought process behind why he had done this. That was the gist of it.
A kiss was pressed to his head. "Did you feel what you wanted?"
"I don't know... I felt something... but, I don't think I want to feel that again." Naga replied.
"Did you do anything to the wounds?"
"I just couldn't wrap them up."
"Then let's take care of that now."
Stinger led him to sit on the bed. He grabbed some bandages and gently wrapped up Naga's cuts. Naga watched silently. He was trying to get a read on how Stinger felt, but it was impossible to tell.
"Are you going to tell Lucky?" Naga questioned quietly. Would Lucky be angry at him for doing this?
"I think he should know." Stinger replied, "But, we can do that later. You should try and rest."
"Okay..." Naga agreed.
He awkwardly shifted and laid down on the bed. Stinger joined him after turning off the light again. They laid there in silence for a while.
"Want a hug?" Stinger offered.
Naga nodded. He rolled onto his side and pressed up against Stinger. Stinger pulled him close and firmly wrapped his arms around him, even wrapping his tail protectively around him as well.
"I'm here if you need me." Stinger said, pressing a kiss to Naga's head. "Try and get some rest now."
Naga just nodded and closed his eyes. He didn't want to speak anymore right now. He tried to focus on anything but what he had done. He couldn't stop thinking about what had happened. Couldn't stop wondering how Stinger felt about all of this.
...
Naga stirred in the morning to talking. It wasn't hard to realize that the voices belonged to Stinger and Lucky. Which meant that his... incident was known.
Naga didn't want to open his eyes. Didn't want to have to face the reality of what he had done. He just wanted to curl up and pretend none of this had ever happened.
"I know you're awake, Naga. Stop pretending to sleep." Stinger noticed, unfortunately.
Naga sighed quietly and opened his eyes. Stinger and Lucky were both looking at him now. Naga quickly looked away from them. He felt ashamed.
"Naga..." Lucky spoke. "It's okay. We're not mad at you for what happened."
"You're disappointed in me..." Naga mumbled.
"No. Honestly we're disappointed in ourselves for not being able to prevent this."
That was enough to get Naga to look at him. Lucky offered a warm smile as he did. Naga sat up on the bed. He glanced down at his arm. The bandages hid the marks, but the images of the night haunted him.
"We won't tell anyone about this." Stinger spoke up. "This is our little secret. Unless you want them to know, but I doubt you do."
"Why are you... letting it go?" Naga questioned.
"Because it was very minor. You won't do it again. I think it's okay to keep it between us." Stinger replied.
"I'm sorry... I should've talked to one of you when those thoughts started..." Naga apologized, his gaze downcast once again.
"Mistakes happen. It's okay." Lucky reassured him. "Come on, Naga. It's not like either of us really approached anyone until we were forced to either. We get it."
"Right..."
Naga still felt awful about everything. He made them worry about him. He didn't want people to have to worry about him again. He thought he could be strong. That he didn't need help.
Lucky plopped down onto the bed, wrapping an arm firmly around Naga's shoulders. Naga glanced over at him. He couldn't keep his gaze for long, but shifted closer. He rested his head against Lucky's shoulder.
"It'll be okay. We can get through this just like we've gotten through everything else." Lucky said. "You won't feel this way forever about what happened. I promise."
Naga stayed silent. He didn't have anything to say. At least, nothing very positive to say in reply. He had his doubts about Lucky's words. Would he really not always feel ashamed at what he had done? Would he be able to look at it in a different light someday?
Stinger joined them on the bed now too. He pressed himself against Naga's open side, moving to hold one of his hands.
"It will get easier." Stinger said quietly. "It may not seem it, but you can change how you think of it. It's not easy to do right away, but slowly it will be something you can think of in a better way."
Those words held a deep meaning to them. He was saying that from his own experiences.
"I'll trust you..." Naga whispered.
"I swear it'll get better."
"But, for now, why don't we start by taking your mind off of that event?" Lucky said.
To show exactly what he meant, Lucky ended those words with a kiss to Naga's cheek. Stinger copied his actions, showing he was on board with that plan.
"I'd... like that." Naga said. He really didn't like remembering what he had done. It would be nice to be able to stop thinking about it for a little bit.
"If you have anything you want to do, just say so." Lucky replied. Immediately after he finished, he was already going in to kiss Naga on the lips.
Naga closed his eyes and focused on the feelings as his two boyfriends started pampering him with love. It was easy to forget everything else and just go with the moment.
Naga knew he'd have to face what happened more, but maybe it wouldn't be that bad. With the three of them together, things always got better no matter what they were. Hopefully this would be no different.