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Jeremiah loved the feeling of Belly on his back. She was completely snuggled in with her head buried into his neck and her legs wrapped around his torso. He could feel the drowsy breaths she took and it made him feel a peace he'd never known.
Belly loved the feeling of Jeremiah beneath her. She felt safe in his arms and though she fell deeper into sleep every step he took, she was awake enough to be excited to just get back to their apartment to feel him sleeping against her. It wasn't like this with anyone and she couldn't imagine anybody else giving her this sense of calm and satisfaction.
They were walking home from a dinner with some new friends they’d met on campus. It was a really chill night in. They’d spent the night mostly drinking and researching what all their birth charts said about them and whether they were all compatible. It was a refreshing set of pace for both of them. They got to know a new set of people who didn’t know anything about the Cousins drama or who they were in relation to their smarter, more impressive siblings. They were just Belly and Jere. Jere and Belly.
It started to rain ever so slightly. The kind you don’t even really feel. The only reason Belly noticed was because of the little raindrops that would shine under the streetlights, against the otherwise black sky. It felt so peaceful to her. Whenever she was with Jeremiah, that was always the baseline. Even if they were laughing until they cried or fighting over something stupid, she never doubted the feeling of safety and contentment she had with him. Sometimes, Belly felt like she was floating away from herself. When she felt too insecure that she didn’t want to look in the mirror or Steven won another award and she wondered why she couldn’t ever win something so effortlessly the way he did, being around Jeremiah pulled her back into her body. He was the solid ground that made her feel real. That made her feel alive.
“I never have to be anyone but myself around you.” She whispered it without meaning to. It was just a thought she had that accidentally spilled out onto his shoulders like the wine from earlier that night. He turned his head towards her a little bit, also not expecting her to say it. His expression was soft. And warm. Always warm.
“I never have to be anyone but myself around you,” he parroted back to her. He gave her a tiny smile and there was something about it that felt so real compared to the toothy smiles he gave so freely to the world. “Sometimes it feels like I’m only a real person when I’m with you,” he continued, “You’re the only one that sees me.”
She mirrored his expression and gave him the softest of kisses on his neck, which got him closing his eyes in contentment. “The world’s missing out. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.” she told him.
They got back to their place in silence. Jeremiah unlocked the door but Belly kept him from turning on any of the lights. “If you turn them on it’ll wake me up.” she said.
He chuckled, “Well you have to stay awake long enough to remove your makeup.”
Belly closed the door behind them and grumbled into Jere’s chest, “Mmm… I can just sleep in it this one time. It’ll be fine.”
“Bells… no. You’ll regret it in the morning, you know that,” He caressed her hair then kissed her head. “Go and sit on the bed. I’ll get your remover.” He couldn’t see the smile on her face but he knew it was there.
Her eyes started to adjust to the dimness of the room. The only thing letting light in were the windows facing the street. She undressed by the bed and reached for her Finch sweatshirt. By the time she was done, Jere was back holding the promised makeup remover.
She sat down on the edge of their bed and tied her hair back. Jeremiah kneeled on the ground in front of her in between her legs and immediately she held onto his waist like it was the most natural thing in the world for her to do. Which, she decided, it was.
She liked it, she thought. Making decisions. With her best friend on the floor in front of her, gently wiping the lipstick off her face, she thought, I love this.
“I love you.” She said it like a breath of fresh air. Which it was. All the other times she said “I love you” there was always a catch to it. There was always a fear that she’d be met with a “No you don’t” or worse, she’d say it and she’d hold her breath trying not to get herself to fall apart at the rejection she knew deep down was coming. Her world used to begin and end at the whims of one Conrad Fisher. She never felt like she had a choice in it. That was what her life was going to be like. Feeling alive whenever he smiled at her. But also wanting to destroy herself if she wasn’t good enough for him.
With Jeremiah, it was so different. She was different. She was herself. He constantly reassured her but even in the times that he wasn’t, she wasn’t hanging on to him like a lifeline. She felt confident. She felt strong. She felt like if she made mistakes, it didn’t mean that she was a bad person. If she wasn’t perfect, he wouldn’t walk away. He would never walk away.
She could make her choices and know that he’d hold her hand while waiting to see if it was the right one to make. She was starting to know what it felt like to choose herself. And choosing herself, she found out, looked very much like choosing Jeremiah.
So she said it. I love you. And hearing herself say it, there was so much relief. It wasn’t shrouded in fear the way it did all her life. Even if he didn’t say it back right now, she’d be okay. Because she’d love him even if he didn’t love her. Because she’d choose to always love him no matter what he felt about her. He was her person. Now, she knew that. It took her a bit of time to catch up to the fact but she was here now. And she didn’t want to ever walk away.
“You… you do?”
To the world, Jeremiah Fisher wasn’t someone that was scared to do anything. He’d make a fool of himself to make a pretty girl laugh. He’d make a fool of himself to keep everybody happy. Nobody ever saw the Jeremiah Fisher that felt like a scared little boy wondering why all his mom’s hair disappeared.
Nobody but Belly.
He could never hide what he truly felt around her even if he wanted to. And there were times that he wanted to. Everybody always saw Conrad’s pain and always wanted to take it away from him. Even Jere himself did everything just to see his big brother happy. But when he was alone in his room at night, he always felt so lonely. All his life he’d lay on his bed wondering why nobody ever saw his pain. Why nobody ever wanted to try and take his pain away.
But Belly always knew when he was scared. When he was nervous. When he was sad. She knew everything about him and it always comforted him. For a while, when Conrad started to pay attention to her, it felt like she forgot about him. And when that happened, suddenly, it felt like he disappeared.
He took care of Susannah’s medical bills while she was busy calling Conrad at school. He tried to connect with his dad who seemed to take every chance he could get to avoid the reality that Susannah was slipping away. He and Conrad were the same in that way. Actually, even his mom was like that too.
Jeremiah was the only one that refused to look away. Belly used to say that Jeremiah Fisher was never embarrassed to hold his mother’s hand even when he was technically too old for it. And that was true. True until the very end. Even when Susannah herself tried to convince herself she didn’t need her hand held, Jeremiah was there holding it anyway. Because that was who he was.
“Of course I do.” She hated that the only time when he wasn’t sure of himself, was when he was doubting if people’s love for him was real. He gave everything he had to everybody else but nobody was there to give themselves back. She brought her hands up from his waist to his cheek. His eyes were looking right into hers, refusing to look away even though he was scared.
“Jeremiah Fisher,” Belly started to say, smiling, “When I'm with you... I'm just here. I'm just home. The way you feel about the summer house... That's how you feel to me. Even if we're fighting or I'm upset or things get hard for us, it's always you that makes me feel grounded. I love you. Of course I love you. I’m just sorry it took me an annoyingly long time to realize that.”
His eyes went to the ground but a second after Belly finished her piece, he was looking at her again with the playfulness she adored, “Well it was pretty annoying. I mean, I knew I loved you since we were in diapers. Not saying it’s a competition but—”
“Okay, quiet now you big baby. Let’s not pretend like you aren’t going to be screaming you love me out that window in five seconds.”
“Five? I guess you don’t know me at all.” And with that, he was up on his feet with his head out the window, “I LOVE ISABEL ‘BELLY’ CONKLIN! LOVE OF MY LIFE! ME, JEREMIAH FISHER, LOVES—”
Belly instantly jumped on his back, her hand covering his mouth, “OH MY GOD. Jeremiah Fisher! I can’t believe you just did that!”
He was laughing through her fingers, holding her securely to make sure neither of them fell as he lay her gently down on the bed. Both of them got tangled in the sheets, unable to stop themselves from feeling the absolute thrill they were experiencing from finally being able to choose someone. Finally being chosen.
Jere climbed on top of her and in the dimness of their shared apartment he placed his hands on her cheeks, taking a moment to just look at her. “I love you so much, Belly Conklin. Of course I do.”
And then for the rest of the night they were just kissing and holding each other, Belly’s drowsiness drifting away like the raindrops outside their window.