Chapter Text
Chan sighs, rolling around once again in his uncomfortably warm bed, hoping to block out the sounds of Jeongin and Hyunjin giggling and cackling in the kitchen at 4am in the morning.
He is exceptionally tired today, even after his regular shot of espresso he had earlier during the day, or technically yesterday. Yet he had tossed and turned in bed since three hours ago, and his crispy and cool bedsheets had soon turned floppy and hot, now clinging uncomfortably to his sweaty skin.
He lays facing upward on the bed, squeezing his eyes shut, hoping desperately for at least a wink of sleep, when he hears soft footsteps pattering outside his door towards the kitchen. He looks toward the door, wondering who is still awake at this time, or if Jeongin and Hyunjin had woken up the whole house.
The footsteps soon head back toward his room, and his bedroom door creaks open quietly.
"Hey hyung." Felix says quietly, and shuts the door behind him. He sits down on Chan's bed, "I was going to get a cup of water, but I didn't want to disturb Hyunjin-hyung and Iyennie. Then I heard you were awake, so I wanted to check on you."
Chan shuffles over, making space for Felix in his bed.
"What's wrong? I know you have insomnia, but you usually don't take this long to fall asleep." Felix asks, concern apparent in his voice. "And we have to wake up early for the photoshoot tomorrow."
"Nothing's wrong, Felix. Just..." Chan hesitates. "Nothing. Hyunjinnie and the maknae are just causing a bit of a ruckus outside, that's all. Nothing's wrong."
"Are you sure, Hyung?" Felix switches to English easily. "You don't always have to be okay, y'know? If something's bothering you, you can tell me, I promise. You know I'll always be here for you."
Chan bites his lip, and turns to face Felix, "It's stupid. It's just... I don't remember the last time I've felt... like that."
Felix waits for a few seconds, and when Chan doesn't continue, he prompts gently, "Like what?"
Chan shrugs as best as he could while laying on his side, "Like how Hyunjin and Jeongin are sounding right now, I guess. I haven't had an adrenaline rush in a long time, that's an easier way to say it. It's not that I'm not happy, the seven of you make me as happy as I could be. It's just that, life's been pretty dull lately. I just feel so empty."
He looks at Felix, and bites his lip nervously, "Don't get me wrong, I still love music and want to be an idol, but it feels like a long time since I've been... human. Every time I stay up late, it's either because I can't sleep, or I'm too busy. I just miss the giddiness while staying up late, trying to laugh as quietly as possible in the kitchen, deep talks over a steaming hot plate of food."
"Since you've been human." Felix muses thoughtfully.
"I just... feel this really deep yearning, you get me? I don't know what I'm yearning for, Lixie." Chan adds, sounding a bit defeated.
Felix stares at Chan for a moment, then jumps up, "Get changed, c'mon."
Chan blinks at Felix, trying to process his words, and at the back of his mind, he notices that the kitchen is finally silent again.
"Get changed, let's go eat out, right now." Felix insists, walking towards the door. "I'll meet you in the living room in 5."
--
They stroll down the dimly illuminated streets side by side in comfortable silence, while Felix ponders Chan's words.
"Hey, Lixie. Don't worry about it too much." Chan glances over at Felix, immediately being able to read his mind, Australian accent thickening as he got sleepier. "I was sleep delirious, I barely know what I said back there, yeah mate?"
Felix comforts, "Channie hyung, of course I'll worry about you. You take care of everyone else, so I can take care of you."
"Where are we going?" Chan changes the subject, grateful that the dark is covering his faint blush. He's always been easy to blush when feeling shy or content.
Felix hums, "I'll bring you. Try giving up control for once, yeah?" He looks over at Chan. "I know you're stressed out, and I know you always want to make sure I'm okay, and take all the workload so the members don't have to tire themselves out. Let me take care of you for once."
Chan flushes an even darker shade of red, feeling the warmth spread to his ears as well. He continued walking alongside Felix, a warm and happy feeling blooming in his chest.
"I love you, Felix-ah."
"I love you too, hyung." Felix shoots him a warm smile.
They soon arrive to a small, feebly lit restaurant, the only place open on the whole street.
"Fried chicken?" Chan laughs, reading the flickering yellow name plaque.
"Hey!" Felix protests, "You don't get to judge me for liking fried chicken, Mr My-Favourite-Food-Is-Pizza! Once you get a taste of this, you'll understand."
Chan holds both his hands up as a peace gesture, "Okay, geez! Fine, but if we're getting fried chicken, you have to let me pay, yeah?"
Felix hums noncommittally, opening the door as the door chime rings gently.
"Hello!" A middle-aged woman greets, tone still cheery at nearly 5am in the morning. Her eyes lit up with recognition, "Oh, Yongbok! I see you brought a friend with you today!"
"Hi, Ajumma! I'm starving today!" Felix switches back into Korean smoothly and grins at the woman, matching her enthusiasm.
Chan bows respectfully, "Hello, Ajumeoni."
"Aigoo, so sweet and respectful! Just Ajumma is fine, dear." She coos, leading them to a table. "What would you two like to order today?"
Chan turns to Felix, "Whatever you usually get is fine."
Felix gives him a quick smile and utters a few food items in rapid-fire Korean that Chan is too tired to process. He distinctly feels a wave of pride at Felix's large improvement in Korean, remembering their trainee days when Felix was still unconfident with his broken Korean.
They sit in silence for a few moments, and Chan blurts out in English, "I'm sorry for what I said earlier! I swear I'm not mad at Hyunjin and Jeongin, nor am I disappointed in any of you! I'm really sorry, I don't know why I said that-"
Felix cuts him off gently, "There's nothing to be sorry for. You said it because you mean it, and there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with feeling emotions and talking about them, yeah? Please, never feel guilty for expressing your emotions or being vulnerable. Just because you're the hyung doesn't mean you always have to be strong and unfeeling."
Chan takes a deep breath, "I just feel so bad about complaining about Hyun and Innie when I should be happy that they feel comfortable and content with each other. Yet whenever I see the members being affectionate, I feel this sadness and hopelessness in my gut, like I'll never be loved like you guys love each other, when rationally I know that you all love me too. I just feel like- like maybe I'm undeserving of your love." His voice breaks towards the end of his sentence as his shoulders sag.
At this moment, Ajumma comes over with the food. She smiles gently, gracefully ignoring the tears in Chan's eyes, "Food is here! And a plate of tteokbokki, on the house!"
"Thank you!" Felix clasps his hands together as Chan mumbles a quiet thanks and looks down at his lap.
"Have a nice meal, boys." Ajumma's voice is soft as she walks away.
"Chris. Christopher." Felix says firmly as Chan's head snaps towards the younger boy in surprise. No one's called him that in ages. "Listen to me. Don't you ever dare say or even think that bullshit ever again! Of course we all love you, and of course you deserve it, okay? I understand that when you start spiralling, you start losing control of your thoughts, but one thing you'll always have for granted is me, and the other members. I love you so much, Chris, and don't you ever doubt that for a second."
Felix puts a steaming hot drumstick on Chan's plate, and orders, "Now eat."
"But your favourite part-"
"Eat." Felix says, leaving no room for argument.
"Hey, thanks mate. I really appreciate it." Chan gives Felix a wobbly smile as he takes a bite out of his drumstick, warm tears running down his cheeks.
Felix's gaze softens, "Anything for you, Chris."
(Felix ends up secretly paying for the meal while he said he was "going to the bathroom" and Chan feels a wave of fondness for the younger.)
-
Chan strolls beside Felix, feeling considerably better after the nice, filling meal they just had.
They admire the rising sun in comfortable silence, the morning air feeling crispy and cool.
Chan speaks first, "Hey, thanks for that, really. I'm really grateful for you, and everything you've done for me. I'm sorry I made you stay up the whole night with me."
He briefly takes his phone out of his pocket, looking at the time. "Woah, it's 6am already! I'm really sorry, Felix. I don't think you'll be able to get any sleep at all. I'm sorry you wasted a good night of sleep for me."
Chan looks apologetically over at Felix, and he smiles softly, "Don't worry about it! Any time spent with you isn't wasted at all. I'm really glad we were able to hang out, just the two of us. We should do that more often. Sleep earlier tonight, yeah?"
Chan nods gratefully as they approach the dorm, "You too, please take a nap later in the car or something."
Felix gestures at him to be quiet as he takes out the key, and they quietly step into the silent dorm.
"See you later." Felix whispers, as he disappears down the hallway.
Chan slumps onto the couch and tries to ignore the rapid beating of his heart. He's just tired, after all.
"Chan-hyung?" Chan is woken up 15 minutes later as Changbin steps into the living room sleepily. "You're already dressed? Shit, am I late? Where are the others? Should I go wake them up?"
Changbin starts to panic, and Chan shakes his head to get rid of the fog clouding his brain, "Ah, Binnie! No, sorry. I just... wanted to get ready early today. Y'know." He scratches the back of his neck awkwardly.
"Couldn't sleep again?" Changbin examines his undoubtedly weary expression, and pats him on the shoulder. "Take a quick nap right now, hyung. I'll make coffee for you and make sure the other members are ready on time, okay?"
"Thanks, Bin." Chan mumbles quietly in English before drifting off to sleep again, hearing Changbin open the kitchen cabinet.
Unfortunately, after what felt like a mere 3 minutes, Chan is awaken by frantic whispers above him. He opens his bleary eyes and finds Hyunjin and Jeongin standing above him awkwardly with matching guilty expressions on their faces. He frowns and asks worriedly, "What's wrong?"
"We just wanted to say sorry." Jeongin starts, gazing at Hyunjin, who picks up.
"Yeah, sorry, hyung. We didn't mean to be so loud yesterday night. We're really sorry."
Chan stands up and wraps them both in a tight embrace, as they share a surprised glance behind him. He suddenly feels the urge to cry, and he straightens up, "It's fine. I could never be so energetic like you two so late in the night!" He cracks a smile. "You can apologise to me by being ready in 15 minutes, okay?"
They both nod, as Jeongin looks concerned and opens his mouth. Hyunjin quickly whispers in his ear, and drags him away, "We'll be on time, promise, hyung!"
After they disappear into their individual rooms, Felix strolls out, looking rejuvenated and energised, "Hey, Channie-hyung! How are you feeling?"
"A lot better, thanks to you." Chan gives him a tired smile.
Felix takes a seat next to him on the couch, resting his head on Chan's shoulder, "Always. Find me again if you need anything, yeah?"
"Definitely." Chan yawns, about to get comfortable again as Felix gets up. "Hey, you made coffee?"
"No, Binnie made it." Chan answers, "I can pour some out for you if-" He cuts himself off in the middle of his sentence, "Sorry, Felix, I forgot you don't drink coffee. Do you want me to make you a cup of tea?"
Felix shushes him, "Don't be silly. It's fine. You sit back down." He sets down a mug of steaming hot coffee right on the table, and pats Chan's head. "I'll go check on the other members, we'll be ready in 5."
The rest of the day passes by in a haze, and by the time the 8 of them get back home, it's evening already.
"I'm hungry." Changbin muses the moment they step into the doorway.
"You're always hungry, Bin." Minho teases as Seungmin snickers in the background.
Changbin pouts, and insists, "I'm hungry!"
"I can cook, let me just change." Chan offers, taking off his jacket.
"No, it's fine." Changbin says quickly. "We can order pizza."
"Okay, I can-"
Changbin cuts him off firmly, "I'll do it, you guys can go shower first."
Chan gives him a grateful look, as Jisung immediately runs down the hallway, "I call dibs on first shower!"
Minho shakes his head exasperatedly, as Hyunjin says, "You can use the other shower first, Chan-hyung."
Felix catches a glimpse of his expression, "Don't complain, hyung, just go. I know you're tired today."
"Yeah, it's fine, Chan-hyung. We really don't mind." Jeongin supplies helpfully.
Chan sighs and walks towards the bathroom, unable to resist his innocent expression like the obviously smitten boy (obviously Hyunjin, who else?) staring at Jeongin adoringly.
"So..." Seungmin rocks back and forth on the balls of his feet. "What's going on between you and Chan?"
"Me?" Felix blinks, glancing around nervously.
"Yes, you. Who else? Obviously Hyunjin and Jeongin are too busy with each other!"
The two mentioned people cease their giggling and Jeongin asks loudly, a red flush spreading across his cheeks, "What do you mean? Too busy with each other how?"
"Don't worry about it, Innie." Hyunjin says amusedly, dragging Jeongin away as Seungmin quirks a knowing eyebrow at them.
"Hey, anyways, where'd Minho-hyung go?" Felix tries to change the subject.
Changbin answers from the other side of the room while scouring the takeaway menu of their favourite pizza place, "Oh, I saw him go into the shower."
"The shower?" Felix questions. "But, Jisungie-"
Seungmin refocuses the conversation by saying bluntly, "You like Chan-hyung."
"What? No I don't!" Felix splutters at the unexpected claim. "I mean, I like everyone, equally. Or like how you like him." He gestures in Changbin's direction.
"That's not a good example, I'm infatuated with him." Seungmin points out in a matter-of-fact tone.
Felix nods, "Fair point, everyone can see how whipped you are for Ch-" He halts suddenly, and glances at Changbin ordering pizza and trying to listen to the conversation at the same time. "You know what, I'm removing myself from this conversation before you come up with more weird accusations."
Felix starts moving away from Seungmin slowly, but at this moment Changbin joins, "Alright guys, what's going on?"
Seungmin fills him in quickly, "We're just talking about Felix-hyung's crush on Chan-hyung."
"Oh." Changbin nods like it was a thing, it was not a thing.
"I do not have a crush on Chan-hyung!" Felix says indignantly.
"Oh." Changbin says again, eyes narrowing. "I thought you already knew."
"There's nothing to know!"
"Okay, like everybody doesn't see you making heart eyes at him all the time." Seungmin rolls his eyes.
"Yeah, like you to a certain somebody else." Felix mutters under his breath.
Changbin asks innocently, "To who?"
"Nobody!" Seungmin makes a frustrated noise and storms away.
Changbin frowns, and goes after him, "Minnie, what's wrong?"
"Hey, what are you doing standing here all alone?" Chan walks into the living room, scrubbing at his wet hair with a towel.
Felix instantly blushes bright red, and he huffs, "Put a shirt on!"
Chan blinks confusedly, "But I just finished showering? And you never have a problem with it, what's wrong?"
Felix sighs, "Sorry, just had a tough conversation with Seungmin. And I'm tired, didn't mean to take it out on you."
"It's fine." Chan gives him a bewildered smile. "Well, um, you can go shower now."
"Yeah. Yeah, I will." Felix nods, sharing an exasperated and knowing glance with Chan. "And I do not want to know what Minho-hyung and Jisung are doing in there."
Chan chuckles, "Just be grateful that they're being quiet."