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Loki Laufeyson : A User’s Maintenance Guide
Thank you for purchasing the exclusive Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ unit of the ‘Liferuining Avengers 2012’ series from Marvel. Your order will arrive 3-4 weeks after payment has been made.
Please take the time to read and follow the instructions in this manual to ensure optimum functionality and to get the best out of your product.
BASIC INFORMATION:
Name: Loki Laufeyson (but also answers to God of Lies, God of Mischief & Madness, Liesmith, Silvertongue, Loki Odinson and Reindeer Games. Depending on his mode setting he may or may not respond to Loki Odinson favorably.)
Origin: Jotunheim
Height: 6'4" (without horns)
Weight: 525 lbs
Eyes: Green / Red depending on mode
Hair: Black
YOUR Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ SHOULD COME WITH:
- Tailored black suit incl. jacket and scarf
- Casual but dashing Asgardian prince outfit in green and gold
- Asgardian battle armor in green and gold incl. horned helmet
- Native Frost Giant outfit
- Throwing knives
- A magical staff or spear
- Muzzle and handcuffs
- Schemes involving either complicated mischief, patricide, fratricide, genocide, world domination or a combination of those
HOW TO INSTALL YOUR Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ UNIT:
After unpacking and checking that all accessories are as they should be, quickly hide the Frost Giant outfit along with the muzzle and handcuffs in a safe place. Your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ will arrive in its ‘More-or-less-innocent-mischief’ mode, and will - when he wakes up and sees any of those items - question you thoroughly, followed by promptly freaking out when he is reminded of horrible family issues, most likely resulting in him reverting into ‘Angsty-with-identity-crisis’ mode.
Once unpacked and the items are hidden, put him in his room (he will demand to have his own chambers anyways) where he will safely awake. There is no further need for calibration or installation as your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ unit automatically registers the place he wakes up as his home. He also comes with the All-tongue and therefore understands and speaks all languages.
MODES:
More-or-less-innocent-mischief: He will conjure up plans to make you and others look like fools, but it will all be just a bit of fun and games to show you that he cares for you, guaranteeing plenty of laughs (for him at least). At times these pranks will even be for the greater good. Beware when he offers advice by whispering in your ear, as this is often an indicator for upcoming mischief. While he will make plenty of jokes on your behalf, when it truly matters you can count on him to be at your side. We recommend you keep your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ in this mode at all times, as this mode is by far the safest and most easy to deal with.
Angsty-with-identity-crisis: In this mode your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ will be very emotionally fragile and prone to do unpredictable things, like crying, yelling and make plans to kill his family. While in this mode, he will shift between brooding by himself and coming to you asking for you to ‘tell him’ and explain ‘why’. When talking with him pay attention and never fall asleep. Keep telling him that you love him and he is not a monster, he is Loki. Hugging is allowed, but stop immediately if he freezes or seems uncomfortable. While this mode offers a good opportunity to deeply bond with your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ unit, it can be very tricky to deal with. We do not recommend this mode unless you know what you are doing.
A-bag-of-cats: This is your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ unit most powerful mode, as he will be utterly sexy and confident in everything he does. He will however constantly refer to you as an ant and proceed to command you to kneel. You’ll be best served with complying with his demands, and he will regard you as a loyal, useful servant. He will be obsessed with some big crazy scheme, gathering followers (that you will be asked to house and provide for) and manipulating everyone he can until he gets what he wants. This mode is recommended only for short periods of time or distracting enemies - such as teachers, parents, bosses, etc., through complicated, eloquent and articulate speeches.
Frost-Giant-blues: Contrary to the mode name, your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ unit will not necessarily be feeling down while in this mode. He will however, be blue with red eyes. Be aware that his touch can be extremely cold and harmful. He will also be prone to creating things of ice. This is the only mode where your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ unit will wear the Native Frost Giant outfit. He will not be very sociable, at times he will even refuse to let you see him and prefer to stay in his room.
Nothing-but-the-helmet: This mode only comes with the Deluxe Edition Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ unit (Only available for ages 18 and up). It is very close to the ‘More-or-less-innocent-mischief’ mode except your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ will forego putting on any clothes except his helmet. Recommended for private, indoor use only.
COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER LIFERUINING AVENGERS 2012 SERIES UNITS:
Bulging Muscles God of Thunder Thor Odinson™: Interaction with this unit will differ greatly depending on your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ current mode. In general Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ will tolerate this unit and talk with it peacefully, will even acknowledge a family bond. Your unit will find the Bulging Muscles God of Thunder Thor Odinson™ unit to be a good target for many of his pranks. However it is advised to constantly keep these two under watch as your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ will range from feeling almost incestuously attached and somewhat loyal to downright hateful and trying to kill the other unit. Warning: Do not encourage your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ unit to spend too much time with the Bulging Muscles God of Thunder Thor Odinson™, as your unit may develop an obsession with being better and stronger than it.
Dat Ass Hawkeye Clint Barton™: Your unit will have nothing personally against this unit, and might even try to make friends with it, though it is more likely he will completely ignore it until he sees use for it. Do not however, let your unit manipulate this unit, as it will carry a grudge and might try to fire arrows after it. But do not worry; your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ is perfectly capable of defending himself, but you may suffer other property damage.
Deadly-Sexy Black Widow Natasha Romanoff™: While your unit will at first frown and look down upon this unit, it offers your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ a welcomed challenge of wits and intelligence, as they are both highly skilled in manipulating. While they may appear to be hateful, it is possible for your unit to form a friendship based on mutual respect with the Deadly-Sexy Black Widow Natasha Romanoff™.
Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist Iron Man Tony Stark™: Your unit may somewhat come to like this genius unit and may even strike an intelligent conversation with it over a strong drink. As with the Deadly-Sexy Black Widow Natasha Romanoff™ it is very possible for these two units to form a friendship. Do take note however, that this unit is completely unable to control itself and may start talking about issues that will offend your unit. Make sure these two only meet each other at ground level in all buildings. Do not let the Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist Iron Man Tony Stark™ meet your unit while in ‘Nothing-but-the-helmet’ mode.
Oozing Masculinity Captain America Steve Rogers™: Your unit will not care for this unit at all and will ignore him at all costs. The Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ will simply find it boring and too orderly. Eventually your unit may come to hate the Oozing Masculinity Captain America Steve Rogers™ unit mainly because he is simply too ‘good’.
Angry Green Giant Hulk Dr. Bruce Banner™: Your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ will have a complicated relationship with this unit, depending upon the mode of the Angry Green Giant Hulk Dr. Bruce Banner™. For the safety of your unit, it is better to keep it entirely way from this unit at all times. However, if you find your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ stuck in ‘A-bag-of-cats’ mode, the Angry Green Giant Hulk Dr. Bruce Banner™ may be able to fix it. Be ready with a first aid kit.
Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™: Your unit will toy with this unit as he sees fit, which the Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ unit does not take kindly to, and as a result they will never be able to be more than enemies. If this unit sees the opportunity, it will lock up your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ in a cage.
True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™: Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ will completely ignore this unit as long as it stays out of his way.
Overmaster Mad Titan Thanos™: Do not let your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ get in touch with this unit as it will cause it to go into ‘A-bag-of-cats’ mode with no hope of changing without outside interference. This unit may also cause severe damage to your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ both mentally and physically.
MAINTENANCE:
The Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ unit is perfectly capable of cleaning and keeping himself neat, he does not require assistance and he will cast terrible spells on you if you try to join him in his baths. He will however not object to a prepared bath with candles and a collection of books. Please make sure that he is not set to ‘Noting-but-the-helmet’ mode while showering, as it renders him unable to take off his helmet and thus unable to wash his hair.
Your unit will flat out refuse to cook for himself, it cannot be expected of a prince to do so, and he will require that you do it. Despite his body shape, the Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ eats a lot, so be prepared to spend a lot of time cooking. The only exception to this rule is if you for some reason bring him on a hunting trip, where he will gladly conjure a fire and roast whatever he’s managed to slay without you having to do anything.
Do not ever attempt to clean his clothes. Your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ is a being of magic and he has his own ways of keeping his clothes fresh and clean.
Part of keeping your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ happy is to provide him with mental stimulus constantly. TV and movies are not enough. Bring him lots of books and let him meet up with units like Deadly-Sexy Black Widow Natasha Romanoff™ and Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist Iron Man Tony Stark™. Learn to play games like Chess or Risk as your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ will find beating you more fun if you actually know the rules and strategies.
Your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ will be more likely to open up to you if you delight in his mischief, compliment his wits and praise him for his magic. While he might pretend your opinion does not matter, he is very fond of getting acknowledged and with luck may eventually come to crave your opinion and approval.
THINGS NOT TO DO WITH YOUR Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ UNIT:
Do not attempt to lie to your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ he will see through it.
The Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ is, as a God and sorcerer, immune to terrestrial diseases, and resistant to conventional injury including burning and freezing, but don’t try to test his limits.
Do not ever mention his true heritage to him. While your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ is aware of his Jotun origins at time of delivery it does not mean he likes to talk about it.
Do not ask him if anything in Norse Mythology is true. Especially that thing with the horse.
Don’t ever swoon over the Bulging Muscles God of Thunder Thor Odinson™ unit while your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ is present, it will greatly impact his opinion of you. Negatively.
While you may challenge his intellect, do not ever mock, belittle or otherwise insult him. Do not refer to his magic as ‘tricks’ or ‘cowardice’.
Do not try to take his staff from him. Or any of his property in fact. He will take revenge and make your life miserable. Alarm clock never working, cold water in the shower, red sock in your whites, he’ll do it.
Do not attempt to have sexual relations with your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™. He will fight you off and probably hurt you. While he is more powerful than you, should you still manage to overthrow him, he will automatically alarm the nearest Bulging Muscles God of Thunder Thor Odinson™ unit to come to his rescue. The Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ is not intended for anything but a platonic relationship, and as such will at most allow a hug or even a rare cuddle.
FAQ & TROUBLESHOOTING:
Q: My Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ keeps poking me in the chest with his magical staff, looking utterly bewildered, then he gets really angry. How do I stop it?
A: Your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ is in ‘A-bag-of-cats’ mode and is trying to turn you into a mind slave. For the safety for you and everyone else we’ve put a limiter on his staff making harmful spells such as mind control impossible. Do not inform him of this as he will attempt to remove the limiter. Instead pretend to be under his control until you can manage to change him back into ‘More-or-less-innocent-mischief’ mode.
Q: There’s a Bulging Muscles God of Thunder Thor Odinson™ stalking around my home. It does not belong to me and my Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ refuses to go out as long as he is there, how do I make him go away?
A: This is a common problem as the Bulging Muscles God of Thunder Thor Odinson™ is naturally attracted to the Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ no matter its mode. You can distract the unit by bringing in a unit with ‘Jane’ in its name or a combination of ‘Sif’, ‘Volstagg’, ‘Hogun’ and ‘Fendral’ units.
Q: There’s an elderly man walking around my home, tinkering with all my electronics at my Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ command, why is this happening?
A: That will be the Easily-Manipulated-but-Very-Smart-Eric-Solveig. Despite the limiter on your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ unit’s staff, he is still capable of mind controlling certain units. Most likely this unit will only upgrade your equipment, but if it starts looking like they are planning something evil you will need to contact a Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ or True Hero Agent Phil Coulson™ unit.
Q: My Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ refuses to speak to me and locks himself up in his room, is this normal?
A: Quite. Either he is offended by something you did or he simply wishes for some alone time. If this persists for more than three days in a row you can assume he is upset with you. Go buy him some new books and cook up his favorite meal, run a hot soothing bath and beg his forgiveness. Kneel while you do so.
Q: I think my Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ is in ‘A-bag-of-cats’ mode and is planning something really bad. What should I do?
A: Bring in a Deadly-Sexy Black Widow Natasha Romanoff™ unit, she will discover his true intentions. If he intends something like genocide or world domination she will automatically alarm the necessary units to take him down. While we have included a failsafe in your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ unit that makes it impossible for him to ever actually go through with his plans, he will become stuck in ‘Angsty-with-identity-crisis’ mode if he is not taken down by a strong team of heroes. Get someone to attach the muzzle and handcuffs on him and be ready with lots of encouragement to nurse him straight into ‘More-or-less-innocent-mischief’ mode.
Q: My place is really cold and I keep finding these little ice sculptures all over, but my Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ is nowhere to be seen.
A: The sculptures are gifts. Your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ is probably in ‘Frost-Giant-blues’ mode and is being self-conscious about his Jotun form. Do not doubt that he is watching you. Praise his natural Jotun abilities to create beautiful things and wait for him to reemerge. Your bond will be strengthened.
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Q: It’s not that I dislike it, but my Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ keeps staring at me in this weird way. Is he planning something?
A: No, he is confused by your behavior. Most likely you’ve been overly nice and supportive and he is looking for a proof that you’re planning on backstabbing him. Keep up the good work and he’ll eventually think of you as a trustworthy friend and confidant.
Q: My Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ unit has gone missing!
A: Do not worry. Your unit is probably just pulling a prank somewhere, but in the case he may have been kidnapped he will promptly beat up his kidnappers and return to you. In the meanwhile check around that there is no Boy Band Assembling @£¤% Nick Fury™ or Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist Iron Man Tony Stark™ units nearby as they may be the culprits.
WARRANTIES:
As mentioned earlier, your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ is basically invincible and cannot be destroyed, not even when burned, beheaded, blown-up or Hulk Smashed. If he is behaving erratically, unfriendly or outright violently (more so than usual), please call our hotline and we will send a repair technician over.
If you are unhappy with your purchase you may return your Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ to us permanently and purchase a easily manageable unit like the Oozing Masculinity Captain America Steve Rogers™. No refunds, as you knew what you were getting when you ordered a Super-Sexy God of Lies Loki Laufeyson™ unit.