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Sunny awoke from a horrible nightmare in a panic, trying his very best to catch his breath, but it was to no avail. For the past few weeks, he’d been struggling with them more than he had in a very long time. Despite the fact that he’d gotten a lot better since he first left his house again four years ago, he’d never truly be perfectly better when it came to what happened the planned day of the recital so long ago. Some days he could forgive himself, and other days he couldn’t. And, from what he could tell, his dreams didn’t want him to forget.
Back when he was in his old house when he lived with his mother, he probably would have started sobbing into the bedsheets after a dream like that one. Despite the fact that his body was aching to do so, he wasn’t going to risk waking up the love of his life who was peacefully sleeping next to him: Kel. So, instead, as quietly as he could, he climbed out of the bed, doing his best not to disturb him at all. It seemed to be a success, as Kel still was snoring away there. All he had to do was go and sit down in the living room until he was feeling better, and then he could go right back to bed. It was still completely dark out. Kel didn’t have to know.
He opened the door to their shared bedroom with his shaky hand, less steady than he usually was. Why did something as simple as a dream have to get to him so much? Though, he knew better than anyone that dreams were not always something simple, despite what others would think. Sunny could easily recall how difficult it had been to properly explain just how complicated headspace had been to Kel. He’d talked about it to his friends, too, with less detail, but not the full extent of it all. He was glad that Kel had been more than willing to listen. He really had needed to talk about that with someone, back then.
But now, those dreams were not the ones on his mind. All he could think of was his older sister, and what he’d taken away from her. Sunny sat down on the couch, holding his head in his hands. He had taken Mari’s chance at a full life away from her. Everyone knew that it was the worst mistake of his life. He’d been told by his friends and especially by Kel time and time again that he wasn’t a terrible person for what happened when he was just twelve years old, but were they really right? Did they even truly believe that themselves? Was it proper to say that he truly deserved happiness after what he had done? By dictionary definition, he was a killer.
He knew his boyfriend loved him, and Sunny loved Kel, too, more than anything. He knew that he shouldn’t doubt that, not ever. He shouldn’t mistrust him. Kel wouldn’t lie to him about that. But on bad days, especially bad nights, like this one, it was easy for his mind to try and make him doubt the one he loved. Omori was long gone by now. However, Sunny had the ability to be just as cruel to himself, maybe even more so. Did Sunny really deserve what he had right now? Friends who still cared about him, the person he loved always by his side, and a place to live in and call his own?
Who could say? Perhaps there wasn't anyone who could truly decide that. …However, there was a part of him that said, in this case, it was simply common sense. For someone who killed someone, like he had, it would be obvious to say not a thing was deserved.
No…Sunny knew he shouldn't think like that. It would only make him feel worse, right? Although, even so, he didn't take much effort to push the thoughts away. His mind wouldn't listen to him, anyway, especially not at an hour like this.
Bad thoughts led to worse ones; they always did. He didn't deserve the love he was given, did he? Did he deserve anything?
Do I even deserve to live?
No, no, no. Don't think like that, he told himself. You can't start thinking like that. Not again.
Suicide was something that had plagued his mind back when he was alone in his house in Faraway. There had been days where he felt so incredibly out of it. There had been days where he would take a knife out of the kitchen and up to his bedroom, and hold it close to his stomach when he lied down. He thought about dying, over and over again, but, of course, he never did. Sunny was truly glad that he had stayed alive. However, was it what he truly deserved? Did he really deserve to—
Don't think like that. He tried to breathe calmly, but it really wasn't working. Sunny could feel the tears that started to form in his eyes, but he knew he couldn't be loud. He couldn’t wake up Kel, not for something as silly as a bad dream. He could handle this. He could handle it. Despite the fact that he kept telling himself that, it wasn’t stopping him from crying. Sunny was sobbing into his hands, trying to keep quiet. God damnit, why did he have to be like this? Why couldn’t he just feel normal?
Nothing startled him more than the sound of his and Kel’s bedroom door creaking open. He had woken him up. He didn’t want to do that. Sunny didn’t want to make Kel feel sad, or make him worry about him. He didn’t deserve any stress. If he had just sucked it up and gone back to sleep it would have been okay. Why couldn’t that have been possible? Was he truly that weak? He tried not to cry anymore than he already was as he listened to the footsteps get closer and closer to him.
“Sunny? Are you out here?” He heard Kel’s tired voice. He hadn’t yet reached the living room, but based on where his voice was coming from he would be there soon. Sunny looked up to where he knew he would enter. “I realized you weren’t in bed anymore, and I—” Kel saw him, and even though it was pretty dark, the small light that had been left on in the kitchen by accident made it easy for him to see Sunny’s red eye, and the tears still on his face. “Oh, Sunny… What’s wrong?” Kel quickened his pace, before sitting down on the couch beside him, and putting one of his arms around him. He wasn’t quite sure what to say. “Talk to me, Sun’... Please?”
It was tiring for him to speak at that moment, but he was going to try. Maybe it was selfish, but he really did want his boyfriend’s comfort, whether he deserved it or not. “I…just had a nightmare,” he explained, quite simply. At first, Sunny wasn’t sure if he could meet Kel’s line of sight, but he did end up looking over at him, knowing he’d feel more secure being able to see Kel.
“Was it about Mari?” Kel asked, in a soft tone, knowingly. Kel always knew… The two of them had been living together for quite a while now, and they’d been together for much longer. Sometimes Sunny thought Kel knew him better than he even knew himself. Kel had no issue reading him like an open book.
Sunny nodded, solemnly. “I’m sorry I woke you up.”
“Don’t apologize, Sunny,” Kel replied, a bit quickly. “You didn't do anything wrong, and I’d rather be woken up than you having to be sad out here all by yourself, all right? I want to be here for you. Sleeping can wait, because you are way more important to me. I love you.”
That made him feel better, at least a little bit. Sunny had stopped crying, although there were still tears left on his face. Kel wiped them away for him. “...I know. And, I love you, too. I just still feel bad about it.”
“I understand, Sunny…but you don't have to feel bad, I promise. Like I said, you didn't do anything wrong. Now…do you want to talk about the dream you had? Or anything else that's on your mind?”
Sunny was far too tired for that sort of thing at the moment. “Not really… Is that okay?”
“Of course,” Kel gave him a loving smile, which warmed his heart. “Want to get back to bed, then?”
Sunny nodded again. “Mhm,” he hummed, with a yawn.
“Alright, bed time it is then!” Kel declared, standing up. However, before Sunny even had the chance to think about getting up, Kel reached over, one arm now under Sunny's legs and the other by his back, and lifted him up in what was practically a bridal carry. Of course. Embarrassing.
“Kel..! You don't have to do that, I can walk.”
“I know you can!” Kel assured him, before continuing, “I just like this better.”
…Sunny wouldn't admit it, but he did, too. If the walk to their bedroom was any farther, he may have fallen asleep in Kel's arms.