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Language:
English
Series:
Part 3 of hrpf but with more himbos and more chaos
Stats:
Published:
2023-09-07
Completed:
2023-09-07
Words:
1,329
Chapters:
2/2
Comments:
18
Kudos:
171
Bookmarks:
4
Hits:
3,173

pure of heart, dumb of ass

Summary:

dumb hockey boys as a generational bonding experience

Notes:

hope you enjoyed this buddy

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

Cat: this chat is for nhl players (past or present) that are queer correct?

PK: as a past player id say yeah pretty much

Segs: as long as they are like an “NHL player” and not like someone who played two games and was never heard from again

Segs: why?

Cat: okay so someone sort of came out to me and JT

Cat: but they don’t want in the chat for sort of ethical reasons??

Cat: and like thats totally fine

Cat: except then he apparently gave my number to his husband

Cat: who wants to know EVERYTHING about my life

Cat: and hes sort of my idol so its fine but like

Cat: i let it slip we had this group chat

Cat: and now he won’t leave me alone about it so i told him i would ask

JT: HE WANTS IN THE CHAT?!?!?

JT: lmao how much you wanna bet hes harassing his husband about it too

Cat: oh for sure no question

Pricey: how is he related to the league?

Pricey: like was he a player?

Pricey: or is it just that his husband was a player?

Cat: both

Sid: fuck i wanna know who it is now

Geno: me too

Kreids: is he like an older player?

Kreids: or like fairly recent?

Cat: older

Cat: i can just add him in

Cat: you dont have to keep playing guess who

Pricey: alright i dont see why not

‘Cat has added Sergei to the chat’

Segs: this tells us nothing

Segs: do you know how many sergeis have played in the league

Segs: how are we supposed to know which one this is

JT: i need you to know i am CACKLING right now

Cat: chat meet sergei

Cat: otherwise known as feds

JT: as in Sergei Federov

Geno: what

Sid: YOUVE BEEN TEXTING ONE OF THE RUSSIAN FIVE

Cat: its more him texting me

Cat: and me responding when either my schedule lets me

Cat: or he lets me

‘Cat has changed sergei’s name to Feds’

Feds: hi little baby hockeys

Feds: oh!

Feds: baby russian!!!!!!!!

Feds: alex you didn’t tell me one of mine was here

Cat: you didn’t ask

Landy: wait can we ask who his husband is

Tys: baby idk if we are prepared for this information

JT: you are DEFINITELY not

Feds: STEVIE!!!!!

JT: (steve yzerman)

JT: the guy who makes everything in detroit hockey happen

JT: thats why he said it was unethical to join the chat

Feds: because some of his players are in the chat

Feds: but he knows i am here

Feds: alex where is your boyfriend

Stromer: hello again feds

Marns: YOU KNEW

Stromer: i only found out bc sergei facetimed him while we were having dinner

Stromer: and cat cannot say no to him at all

Stromer: feds is a hella cool dude tho ngl so alex gave him my number

Stromer: and then he taught me how to make kartoshka

Cat: sergei has decided that dyls is his rookie even tho he no longer plays in the nhl and dyls is def not a rookie anymore

Feds: all of you are rookies to me

Geno: yes

Feds: Спасибо Брат (thank you bro)

Matts: oh freddie says i have to introduce the other two russians

Matts: the even BABIER russians

Feds: oh

Feds: there is more?

Svech: Здравствуйте (formal hello - kind of like hello sir)

Pytor: приятно познакомиться (pleasure to meet you)

Svech: auston

Svech: tell freddie he is dead when i see him

Matts: it gets BETTER feds

Feds: !!!

Svech: do not

Matts: baby russians are IN LOVE

Feds: !!!!!!!!!!

Feds: поздравления (congratulations
)
Pytor: Спасибо сэр (thank you sir)

Feds: stop being so formal

Feds: we are friends now

Gally: lol think he broke the babies

Sid: still can’t believe alex has been texting sergei federov for WEEKS

Sid: and didn’t think to invite him to the chat until he pestered you into doing so

Stromer: thats bc cat wanted to keep feds to himself

Stromer: idol worship and everything

Stromer: which makes no sense tbh

Stromer: bc half the time the only thing these two talk about is Steve

Feds: Stevie is most important

Chapter 2: *spongebob narrator voice* ONE WEEK LATER

Summary:

sergei federov unkowingly causes chaos in D.C.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Stromer: sooooo we might have another player to add

Stromer: hes a current player tho

Stromer: unfortunately we just had the most awkward chat about how i am NOT sleeping with sergei federov

Stromer: and instead had to explain that i was in a relationship with a man yes

Stromer: but that man is not FEDS

Stromer: anyway uh

‘Stromer has added Backy to the chat’

Cat: feds can you please explain to him that you and dylan are not in a relationship

Feds: nooooooooo

Feds: im married

Feds: dylan is my rookie

Backy: he is not a rookie???

Feds: again

Feds: all of you are rookies to me

Burky: Papa

Burky: !!!!!!!!

Backy: what the hell

Stromer: don’t say i didn’t warn you

Stromer: it gets worse

Backy: what is that supposed to mean

Willy: hej daddy (hej = hi)

Backy: oh fuck no

Backy: we talked about this you little shit

Chucky: wait

Chucky: why did Backstrom think you were sleeping with feds

Cat: feds gave dyls and old ducks shirt

Cat: bc he is a geek about vintage hockey stuff

Cat: he wore it and backy saw him and assumed they were dating i guess

Backy: a logical conclusion

Landy: not even close buddy

Backy: Håll käften Gabe (kind of like shut the fuck up Gabe)

Drai: me and nico and sammy feeling left out

Wifi: why?

Hisch: none of us have a fellow native speaker in the chat

Hisch: of our languages at least

Cauly: but like

Cauly: cant you and leon understand each other?

Drai: ha

Drai: not even close

Hughsie: german and swiss german are actually pretty different who knew

Drai: a large amount of europe

EJ: and sammy speaks french

EJ: granted its the fake french but still

Matts: hold on let me handle this

Matts:I speak spanish

Matts: Its practically the same thing

Kreids: it is definitely not

Kreids: but i feel like its even worse

Kreids: bc Auston and I can technically talk to each other in two different languages

Kreids: and yet the german and the swiss can’t understand each other

Tys: oh shit

‘Tys added Josi to the chat’

Tys: hello roman lovely weather we are having today

Josi: we are on two different continents

Josi: what do you want

Tys: you are swiss yes?

Josi: yes this is not new information

Tys: and you are bi right

Josi: also not new information

Tys: congrats you have a baby queer swiss to adopt

Nico: you could not have made that sound any more weird

Landy: dont challenge him

Landy: he will find a way

‘Cat added jimmy to the chat’

Cat: leon

Cat: here is a fellow german

Cat: who is also queer

Drai: alex

Drai: you had to add the only other german that is attached to a tkachuk

Drai: can i have no freedom

Jimmy: you made your choice no?

Jimmy: i got drafted to mine

Drai: verpiss dich

Sammy: im fine there is a queer quebecois chat

EJ: why aren’t they here mon chum (typically my boyfriend but is also used much less frequently among friends)

Segs: you can invite them if you want sammy

Segs: not like there isn’t a million people here already

Sammy: yes

Sammy: i will make them suffer with me

‘Sammy added Flower, Kris, Tito, Claude and Bergy to the chat’

Bergy: marc i think you and I are the oldest ones here

Feds: think again baby frenchies

Flower: first off Patrice we are barely older than sid and claude and carey

Flower: second off is that who i think it is

Cat: sergei federov

Kris: tabarnak (holy shit)

Kerfy: how the fuck did we get here

Wifi: never underestimate the stupidity of this chat when it comes to good intentions

Notes:

feds like only cares about his husband & may have totally caused chaos on purpose - the world may never know

Notes:

what if i wrote an entire chapter in my poor excuse of spanish