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Joshua thought he would feel panic-stricken in the end but ultimately he was wrong.
Calm came to him as he did his best to transfer all the confidence he was capable of mustering, as well as the reviving fire power of the Phoenix, to his brother. And it was only after that that he was overcome with melancholy.
As he listened to his dear brother Clive cry while calling out his name in a broken voice, he closed his eyes and clung to the last wisps of conscience.
Images from his childhood followed in succession through the avid eye of his mind: the constant affectionate strokes he used to give energetic little Torgal to smooth his shiny fur, the innocent games he used to share with Jill as well as all the times they both watched and rooted for Clive while he was tirelessly training to become his Shield, which always filled them with pride; his mother's predilection for him, something that ended up displeasing Joshua because it was never extended to his brother or Jill; the lessons and the good moral values that his father instilled in him, always with eyes full of affection and patience; the camaraderie and sense of mutual aid of the inhabitants of the Hideway...
Finally, he felt engulfed by a flood of sadness and remorse when that pair of brown eyes loomed before his mind. The lips colored as a dew-covered rose trembled as they tried to manage a smile despite the fear that her face, framed by short strands of chocolate brown, tried so very hard to keep hidden .- Jote...
Founder! Joshua had nurtured feelings for his protector and companion for so long, but he always tried to conceal them, even if it was mainly to protect her.
How he regretted not having followed Tarja's advice given in one of the many check-ups: "Little Lordling, you should be honest and reveal your true feelings for her. If you don't, you'll end up robbing her of the opportunity to actually make her own decision about that and to choose to be happy together with you, even if only for a little while. And, who knows, maybe for a long time to come. And besides, are you sure you want to deny yourself the possibility of achieving that joy? Look at Jill and your brother Clive. They make the most of it, and there's naught more adorable than watching them being sweet and loving with each other."
How Joshua's heart sped up when he heard those very words, how he yearned to leave the infirmary in search of Jote, to find her, to hold her until he felt her heartbeat reverberate in his own body, to open his own heart and soul and make her smile, to make her happy. And he hadn't seen her truly smile for years. There was always a problem with his frail health, a dangerous new mission they were being sent on, or news of more regions of Valisthea being afflicted by the Blight.
Still, there were so many times when Joshua almost broke down and demonstrated his very truth. A touch on Jote's hand, arm, or back that lingered a few seconds longer than necessary, a soft tone of voice that translated his longing and most secret dreams, the delicate brushing of a lock of hair from her eyes while the young woman sharpened her knife or prepared food in the encampment. And whenever his frailty forced Jote to almost carry him, he always took the opportunity to contemplate her beauty and breathe in her scent of fresh grass, morning rain, and wildflowers. And Jote always responded with a gaze full of affection and, yes, many times, of concern. Oh, how Joshua's eyes roamed and tried to memorize the tiniest detail of her face whenever their eyes met, followed up by an involuntary smile that always ended up illuminating his face when he saw Jote's cheeks blushing every single time.
But his family's trait of stubbornness ran deep in his veins, mayhap as much as the fire of the Phoenix, and he always ended up controlling himself, talking to himself, and justifying that this was better for both of them and that if they became intimate, Jote would only suffer more when the inevitable end came to pass. Yes, because Joshua had no doubt that there would be no salvation for him. The end would come either by Ultima's hand or due to his fragile health.
Now, at last, his mission was over; he had transferred the power of the Phoenix to his brother; he had done his best to save the world; and he just hoped that it had been enough.
Regardless, the pain in his heart was enormous, his regret immeasurable - at the moment of their parting, he had simply silenced his feelings and words with the exception of "Thank you, Jote. I'm sorry", and that hadn't been enough. It could never have been. He had left her without any certainty or sense of completion. Now he clearly saw that he should have confessed the truth to Jote.
The light of consciousness had begun to dim.
"I love you, Jote", was the last thought Joshua addressed to her, here at the end of all things, as if it were a prayer addressed to the messenger Metia.
Darkness.
Cold.
Silence.
Heat erupted from his chest and spread through his body like a lit fuse of fury.