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It was three in the afternoon when Jouno walked in the conference room, on time as always, only to find out that none of his colleagues was already there.
He grabbed a seat next to the wide window, taking pleasure in the soft warmth of the sun spreading onto his skin. He put his elbow on the table and rested his chin on the palm of his hand.
Tachihara was always late - old news considering his double job as a Hunting Dog and as a spy infiltrated in the Port Mafia - but that didn't bother Jouno. He could turn a blind eye since he was someone who worked hard. What he really couldn't put up with was the fact that neither the commander nor Teruko were ever on time, because that meant he frequently had to spend more time alone with his hideous, loud, exasperating partner than it would have been necessary.
He crossed his legs, thinking about how it was even possible to be late when the dorms were on the second floor and the conference room was on the ground floor of the same building. He was a little more patient when they weren't staying at the head quarter, but due to the gravity of the situation they were facing, they had decided to temporarily move into the dorms in order to fix it as soon as possible. So, he was seriously annoyed with the lack of professionalism his coworkers were showing.
That of course didn't include Tachihara, as he needed to sneak out of the Port Mafia base to join meetings and was only called to discuss major matters.
Jouno nervously tapped his fingertips on the surface of the table, waiting for Tecchou to enter the room noisily as usual. His mind was already wandering, guessing what weird food he would have smelled like this time, but surprisingly, nobody came in. Jouno focused his hearing on the hallway and he noticed Tecchou wasn't there - he couldn't hear his typical heavy steps. He then pressed a small button on his watch: the mechanical voice announced it was twenty past three. The blind man furrowed his eyebrows. By that time, Tecchou should have already arrived. He never lost the opportunity to spend extra time annoying him.
Jouno huffed irritably as more minutes passed and no one deigned to show up. He stood up as he decided to go look for Tecchou - not that he missed talking to him while waiting for the others or anything like that, he just felt something was off. Tecchou was not a Swiss clock and he occasionally happened to be late, especially in the morning, but half an hour was excessive.
As he walked out, he bumped into Tachihara and Teruko.
About time, he thought.
《Hello, Jouno. Sorry we're late》Tachihara greeted him.
Teruko was babbling on something Jouno didn't pay much attention to, as he told them he was going and getting Tecchou.
《If the commander arrives, just begin. We'll be on our way》
After that, he reached and climbed the stairs to the second floor. He walked forward, the soles of his shoes sinking into the familiar soft carpet which covered the floor.
As he arrived in front of Tecchou's flat, he touched the sign hanging on his door just to make sure it was the right one. He traced the letters in braille, reading "Suehiro Tecchou", before knocking on the door.
《Hey, dumbass, it's me》
Jouno waited for a bit, but nobody replied.
《I guess your ears aren't capable of understanding who I am, so I'll be clearer. It's Saigiku, may I come in?》
Again, his question echoed unanswered.
Jouno clicked his tongue as an unsettling feeling began to grow inside him. He knew Tecchou was there, he could hear his breathing and his heartbeat. He was positive about that.
Why isn't he saying a thing then?
《Are you asleep?》he asked, even if he suspected Tecchou was not.
He grabbed the handle and lowered it, just to check if the door was closed. It wasn't, but something far more concerning caught his attention. The moment he had slightly opened it, a wisp of air had reached his nose, bringing an unpleasant message. Smell of blood came from Tecchou's apartment.
《Tecchou-san?!》Jouno almost shouted, entering without waiting for permission.
There was a weird atmosphere.
The small house was completely quiet, as if nobody was there. Another person would have already gone away, but Jouno was not a shallow man. He walked towards the direction he heard Tecchou's breathing coming from, careful not to make any noise since he was not sure about what he was going to witness.
Jouno stopped outside Tecchou's room, repressing a groan. He could hear that something made of metal was hurting Tecchou. The idea of that pain made him shiver.
Just the sound of the blade tearing apart skin made his ears and his entire being ache. The sharp smell of blood was making his nostrils burn. It wasn't even that much blood - Jouno could easily tell since the metallic odour was somehow subtle, he was sure to be the only one able to sense it - but it was Tecchou's, and that was enough to have Jouno worried. Tecchou's blood was spilling from some undefined wounds, dripping on the floor, surely staining his clothes with a bright red. Jouno could hear the small drops flowing if he concentrated hard enough.
《Tecchou?》he found the courage to call, finally.
《For god's sake, what's happening here? Are you hurt?》
Tecchou winced at the sudden voice who had talked, as if he actually hadn't noticed him before. He dropped an object which produced a clang as it hit the floor.
Jouno frowned, more and more confused by that situation.
《I didn't mean to pry, but since you gave me permission to come and look for you whenever you're late for meetings, I didn't think it would have been a problem if I simply came in》Jouno said.
His mind was racing, trying to understand what the hell was going on and why Tecchou seemed so scared by his presence.
《And other than that, smelling blood is something that usually pushes me to investigate at least where it comes from》
He took a step towards him. As he did, Tecchou covered himself up with a blanket he kept on his bed, bringing his knees to his chest and then hugging them.
《It's nothing. I'm coming》he whispered with a quivering voice that showed his obvious unwillingness to join the previously mentioned meeting.
Jouno had the impression of still hearing droplets sliding on Tecchou's skin, but the direction from where the sound came was slightly different.
And that was when he realised.
The sound of a blade cutting the skin, that metallic rattle, the fact that Tecchou was visibly uncomfortable -
《Oh my god》Jouno mumbled.
He immediately got near him, a deeply concerned expression on his tense face. He kneeled down, aiming his closed eyes where he knew Tecchou's were.
《What- what have you done?》
From that distance, he was now completely sure.
Tecchou was not only bleeding. Tecchou was crying.
Jouno felt his own heart aching at the sudden realisation.
Tecchou had been crying so silently, letting tears slide down his cheeks, suffocating his sobs so that not even the blind soldier could have heard him. Not immediately, at least, but his way of crying was so quiet, almost calculated, as if he had done so countless times before and was therefore used to it.
《Tecchou-san...》
《I told you it's nothing》Tecchou said again in a faint voice Jouno wouldn't have probably caught if it wasn't for his excellent hearing.
He sighed.
Your heartbeat tells me otherwise.
It wasn't hard for Jouno to tell how a person was feeling based on their heartbeat - reading people's deepest feeelings was one of his advanced skills - and it was even less hard when it was about a person close to him. For what concerned Tecchou, his understanding of the brunette's emotions was almost mathematically accurate. His ears were trained to catch changes in breathing patterns, muscles clenching, palpitations, and his nose could distinguish pheromones in people's sweat. He could smell others' emotions. It was obvious that, when he came to the man he spent most of his time with, his ability allowed him to read Tecchou as an open book.
Given that, he didn't want to make it evident since he knew it would have made Tecchou uncomfortable, so he just avoided bringing it up when they weren't talking about criminals or suspects.
In that moment more than ever before, making Tecchou feel worse by letting him know that was something he absolutely had to prevent.
He felt a strange knot tying in his stomach, but he decided to ignore it.
《Tecchou-san, you're crying》
Jouno was not sure if that was the correct way of handling the situation. He sat on the floor, lips tightened for the anxiety of having let out the wrong words.
And you have just cut yourself.
《I'm not》
Tecchou rubbed his nose with the back of his hand.
《And even if I was, why would anybody care?》
That sentence hurt Jouno in a way he didn't know he could get hurt.
Tecchou remained still, his eyes surely staring into space since Jouno couldn't feel them on himself.
《I'm here, idiot. Of course I-》
Jouno almost choked on those words which were terribly difficult to say.
《Of course I care》he whispered.
As he did, he felt the knot in his stomach tightening.
He moved his hand as to touch Tecchou's shoulder, but the man flinched at the contact. Jouno froze, unable to put his arm down, clenching his fingers into a fist.
《Sorry》Tecchou mumbled.
《Don't be》he simply answered.
A violent sigh escaped Tecchou's mouth.
Jouno cleared his throat. He hated himself for being so incredibly incapable when it came to comfort people.
No, not people in general.
Everybody who had met Jouno knew that he was cold. They knew he was a shut in man, someone who wasn't really that empathetic or kind and who didn't like showing feelings - or even having them. But what others thought of him couldn't have bothered him less to be honest. On the other hand, he deeply cared - and without knowing why - about what Tecchou thought of him. He didn't want Tecchou to think of him as a stone-cold, heartless man.
Moreover - again, without knowing the damn reason - seeing Tecchou suffering was a fact he couldn't tolerate.
Jouno bit his tongue in frustration, as he heard more tears rolling down Tecchou's eyes.
《You'll be late, too》he said quietly.
《I told them to begin without us》
Jouno rested his head against the bed.
《Unless of course you want me to leave you alone》
He was reluctant to leave him alone though.
After a brief moment, he heard Tecchou weakly shaking his head.
《Stay》he simply murmured.
Jouno instinctively smiled, noticing how Tecchou's heartbeat confirmed he was not pretending and really wanted him to stay.
《I'm glad you don't mind being around me》Jouno said quietly.
《If someone else had entered the room instead of you, I would have kicked them out immediately》Tecchou answered.
The blind man grabbed the edge of his cape and squeezed the fabric, revealing a bit of his nervousness.
《If that's so, Tecchou-san, it must mean you trust me. And, whether you actually do or don't, I don't intend to spare your trust, therefore let me be straightforward with you》
He swallowed thickly.
《May I take care of your wounds?》
The question was so spontaneous compared to his usual way of talking that it made his chest tremble as he articulated it. His voice had a tender tone which surprised Jouno himself - he didn't think of himself as someone capable of showing emotions.
He remained silent, head slightly turned towards Tecchou, waiting for an answer he was afraid would never come.
But after awhile Tecchou finally nodded, a soft insecure《yes》slipping past his lips.
Jouno held in a gasp as the smell of blood became more intense. He deduced Tecchou was offering him his arm.
《We surely have to clean them. Do you mind if I touch you?》
Tecchou squinted his eyes.
《I don't》
《Could you please guide my hand then?》
Jouno knew that Tecchou felt ill at ease, and so, in order to make him regain a semblance of control, he was trying to act like the one who needed help. He removed his white gloves and set them aside, then the brunette gently gripped his wrist, pulling him until his fingers were brushing against is wounded skin.
《Thank you, Tecchou-san》
Jouno started touching his cuts to understand how serious they were.
《Tell me if it hurts》
Firstly, he counted them. Most of them were coated in dried blood, but it seemed they could easily reopen. He pressed his fingertips onto a particular deep cut, finding out that it was still bleeding. He wrinkled his nose as he felt the hot and dense liquid sliding underneath his nails.
Tecchou was shaking as Jouno inspected his arm - and he was sure he was still crying.
《Would you mind checking your blanket for me?》
He ignored how Tecchou's heart skipped a beat when he said "for me".
《Is it dirty?》
《It is》
A soft smile curved Jouno's lips. He wiped his hand with a tissue, then he unbuttoned his cape and took it off.
《Cover up with this. It's clean, I put it on less than two hours ago》
Tecchou let the blanket fall on the ground before handing it to Jouno, who grabbed it and set it aside, wrapping his cape around Tecchou's shoulders right after. In doing so, he touched his clothes - Tecchou was wearing something soft, probably a jumper or a pyjamas. His fingers tingled at the contact, and Jouno told himself it was because of the ticklish fabric and definitely not because said fabric was being worn by Tecchou.
《Do you happen to have a disinfectant?》
《It's not that bad, I don't need it》
Jouno stood up, momentarily ignoring his partner. He walked in Tecchou's bathroom and looked for the product he needed, finding it thanks to his acute sense of smell.
《You know, it would be a lot easier if you told me at least where I can find cotton pads or something like that, since they don't smell as strongly as this》
Jouno said, shaking the bottle of disinfectant.
《I don't have any》
Jouno frowned, deciding that the tissues he kept in his pocket were the most useful alternative he had.
He came back to Tecchou, sitting down next to him. He opened the disinfectant and poured a bit on his skin, proceeding then to dab it with some paper. As he did, he felt his nostrils catching fire.
《Is the smell too sharp?》Tecchou asked.
《Don't worry, it's alright》
It - in fact - was not, but he could stand it if it was for Tecchou.
《You know, you don't have to be strong all the time》Jouno told him while carefully cleaning his wounds. Tecchou kept quiet for a moment, silence slipping through the two men.
《That's the only useful thing I can be》he answered after a little.
《That's bullshit, you know that?》
Jouno heard a sad groan.
《You are not an object, you don't have to be useful》
He could clearly perceive how Tecchou was holding back sobs. He thought he couldn't have stood his silent suffering for more than another second.
《And please, Tecchou-san》
He lowered his voice, instinctively hiding his face by turning it away from Tecchou, as if he knew his cheeks were getting a darker shade of pink.
《Feel free to cry when you are around me》
I do cry, too.
Crying doesn't mean you are weak.
I really can't bear the sound of your lungs struggling to suppress twitches.
Jouno would have liked to say all these things that were running through his mind, but as he tried to speak, he felt the words dying in his throat. He snapped his tongue in clear frustration.
Despite his beliefs, it looked like what he had actually managed to tell Tecchou was enough. Enough to make him feel comfortable, enough to let him know he was safe and he could drop his guard, enough to convey a much deeper and more meaningful message Jouno wasn't able to express.
Right after he had talked, he noticed how Tecchou's arm trembling was becoming more evident. He heard the man taking two deep breaths before it all got too much and he could not keep it together anymore. His chest started shaking violently as copious tears rolled down his face and neck and desperate sobs filled the room.
It was almost like Jouno had switched something inside Tecchou without even knowing how.
《You're a kind man, Saigiku》Tecchou said out of the blue.
His voice sounded like he was choking on his tears.
Jouno almost gasped, feeling the weight of that word settling in his brain, a pleasant tingle he didn't think he was able to feel running down his scalp.
《I'm- I'm sorry you have to look at me being a mess》
Tecchou sniffled.
《I'm so fucking useless, I'm sorry》
He rested his forehead on his knees; in that position, the noises he was making were muffled.
Jouno kept his head down as if he actually needed to look at what he was doing. He hummed softly, letting Tecchou vent.
《You're talking non-sense, Tecchou-san, you know that? You're not useless》
Tecchou sobbed loudly.
《And, as I said before, even if you were, you're not a fucking object. Stop viewing yourself as one, it's self-destructive》
Jouno cleared his throat. He was having difficulties in stemming the bleeding of the deepest cut.
《You know what? You're such a baby for throwing a tantrum like this》
His voice was particularly soft.
《Do you have a tourniquet or something like that?》
Tecchou nodded, pointing at a direction Jouno couldn't decipher.
《Bathroom》Tecchou said then, still crying, as if he had suddenly remembered Jouno wasn't able to see his finger.
Jouno sighed; he knew he wouldn't have got further help. He stood up and walked back in the bathroom, searching around. In doing so, he opened every cabinet and threw some packs and products on the floor, but he couldn't care less in that moment to be quite frank.
Once he found it, he quickly came closer to Tecchou. He wrapped his fingers around his wrist, making him straighten his arm. Then he proceeded to tie the tourniquet just above his elbow. He noticed goose bumps raising on Tecchou's skin.
《You could have come to me and told me what was wrong, but no, you always have to pretend to be strong. You always have to act like you can deal with everything all by yourself. You really make me sick, Tecchou-san. You can be so stubborn sometimes》
Tecchou exhaled loudly before answering. His chest was trembling.
《I didn't want to bother you》
Jouno shook his head as if he were scolding a child, but his lips were curved upwards in a sweet, comforting smile.
《Oh, trust me, you always succeed in bothering me. But telling me you weren't feeling okay wouldn't have bothered me》
The tone of his voice betrayed him once again.
《Come on, Tecchou-san, you know what bothers me. It surely isn't the fact that you need help》he added after a brief pause.
《No one can face everything alone all the time. That's-》
《Not even you?》
Jouno perceived Tecchou lifting his head. His lips turned into a thin line.
《That's simply impossible》he continued, ignoring the question.
《You haven't answered me》Tecchou pointed out.
《Well, maybe that's because I don't want to. Use your fucking brain for once》
Tecchou rested his cheek on his knees. His eyes were fixed on Jouno. The blind man could feel them analysing him, running across his face looking for a sign, searching for a crack to sneak into his soul.
《You're making me uncomfortable》Jouno stated.
《Sorry》
The brunette looked away and Jouno let out a breath he didn't notice he was holding.
《I'm done here》
He gently traced Tecchou's wounds with his index finger as to check his work. He thought about how they were going to turn into scars. They were going to be there forever, a permanent reminder of Tecchou's suffering.
《Be careful with them. Wear some bandages if you go outside, but let them uncovered while you're here》
He untied the tourniquet and put it into Tecchou's hands together with the antiseptic. He heard Tecchou placing them on a wooden surface - probably his bedside table.
《Thank you》Tecchou mumbled.
He was calming down.
《What do you mean? It's not the first time I've helped you with-》
《For not judging me. And for the cleaning, of course, even if it's not the first time you've helped me with that》
Jouno chewed the interior of his cheek.
《It's fine, I guess》
With a thoughtful expression on his face, he picked up his gloves. He was about to put them back on when Tecchou stopped him.
《Don't》he uttered.
《What? Why?》
Jouno was confused.
《Your skin is soft》
Tecchou's voice was husky. It sent chills down Jouno’s spine.
《And so?》
《Could you touch me?》
《Excuse me?!》
Jouno’s cheeks heated up.
《Could you touch me?》Tecchou repeated.
《I heard that the first time》he moaned, tilting his head away.
《Could you then?》
Once again, Tecchou's eyes were wandering on Jouno's face.
《Please. If that's okay with you》
《If you insist...》
Jouno bit his bottom lip.
《Where would you like to be touched? And don't you dare-》
《My hair. Please》
The blind man swallowed a sigh. He carefully placed his left hand between Tecchou's hair.
《I've told you countless times not to interrupt me when I'm talking, Tecchou-san》
《You're right. I'm sorry》
His scalp was warm - Jouno felt it under his fingertips. It was smooth, too. Stroking it was almost pleasant. Jouno couldn't remember the last time he associated physical touch and the word "pleasant".
Tecchou's hair was fluffy, despite being tangled. His locks curled around Jouno's fingers as he tried to caress his head without hurting him by pulling his hair. He was clumsy and totally self-conscious about it, but Tecchou didn't seem to give weight to it. Instead - Jouno was able to tell - he was relaxing. His breathing had finally slowed down and had got regular, too.
《May I lean against your shoulder?》Tecchou nearly purred.
《We're demanding too much, aren't we?》
Jouno's own heart was now beating awkwardly fast.
《You may, just be careful, please》
《I will》
《And wipe your eyes before doing that》he added, giving him a tissue.
Tecchou did as he was told and right after he snuggled up to Jouno, who was stiff at first, but then got used to the sensation. Every time Tecchou exhaled, he blew warm air on Jouno's neck. He didn't necessarily find it annoying - he was indeed wondering if he liked it.
《Maybe I just needed to be held for a while》Tecchou reflected out loud.
《Maybe》
Jouno couldn't help smiling. It was a genuine smile which had nothing to do with his usual, cruel ones.
《But don't get used to it》
In fact, he wouldn't have minded if Tecchou had actually got used to it.
《What about the meeting?》
《Honestly? They can go fuck themselves. The commander can't tell us anything since he is the irresponsible one who's always late. Once in a while, he can wait for me, too》
He scratched his nose.
《And, for once, you don't smell like shit. I won't waste such an opportunity to be around you without having the urge to throw up》
Jouno felt a gentle laugh against his shoulder.
《Don't mock me》
《Sorry》
《And your clothes are all bloody, I'll give you ten minutes and then you'll go and get changed》
《How do you know?》
《You stink》
《But you've just said-》
《Shut up if you don't want to die》
Tecchou laughed again and nodded.
《Fine, fine. I'll get changed in ten minutes》
《And I'll go back to the meeting and catch up while you rest here》
He hesitated for a moment.
《When we're finished, I could come and inform you about what we discussed》
《Sounds good》
Jouno snorted.
Amazing. That means I have ten minutes to make up an excuse.