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He wasn’t desperate. No, just- shut up.
It was just a long day. The monastery was dusty like never before, a perpetual state of quiet that used to belong to nights but now extended to every waking hour. The sun could be up, resting, yet it remained. Guess there were not enough people to make the place noisy.
He punched the dummy a bit harder. 58 days. 57 nights… But who's counting? His breathing was accelerating, he needed to drink water. Another punch, and the wood came back, he blocked it and hit his forearm. Kicked the bottom row, pushed the one in front. It was not as fast as it was supposed to be. But Jay always put off fixing it, so of course everything ended up landing on him. Everyone there knew how to fix the stupid dummies. Just because he had the fire powers didn’t mean he had to fix it.
Ha… Fuck it . He kept punching. Some screws were looser than others. He kept forgetting which ones were the fastest coming back, and the harder he pushed the faster the ricochet. He blocked them. Not without the aching of the hit. He should have put some bandages on first. But he needed - What the fuck did he need.
The stick hit him in the ribs. Fuck . He needed Jay to not leave the repairs to the moment one of them got hurt. It was counterproductive. He kicked it with his feet, making the wood snap and hit him one last time in the knee before it fell to the floor. The pain was sharp, but he had been stabbed before, this wasn’t bad. His throat was dry.
The dummy lay broken on the floor. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. Jay wasn’t there for him to complain to him. Hell, Zane wasn’t there for him to pretend he was fixing something else. It crashed on the wall, and maybe Kai kicked too hard because it left a mark. A voice, high and steady, told him he was an idiot for training barefoot, another one, lower, raspier, told him to shut up and check his bleeding feet. He stepped down hard. He had been hurt worse.
How funny, huh . He didn’t even bother getting boxing gloves or bandaging his wrist, he just, he- He had been through worse. Worse than this. Worse than a stupid hit of a dummy. Worse than constant silence. Worse than constant empty looks. This was nothing.
He had left before. The skin in his hands ached. He didn’t need to focus on them to know it was split open in the knuckles, bleeding scratches on the palms. The blood on the broken dummy had been none other than his. He had woken up alone. The bounty, a place that not once had been quiet, went from being full of strangers and half his team to being in the middle of nowhere. An island Kai never saw in his life. He laid alone. For weeks.
But he was in the monastery now. Breath -shaking- not half as steady as he would have liked. Shit . Lloyd was in his room. He was not alone. He had not been for 13 days, 12 nights, out of the 58. He just- it was fine .
He was fine. He was better alone in the bounty. He didn’t need to be here. Shit . He could leave, he had left before. When- With Zane. He just, he just couldn’t. When Nya- He just got her back- He, He couldn’t see everyone's sad faces before. They went their separate ways. But this time he had not had the choice to leave, he was thrown thousands of miles away, farthest than he had ever been from his home. His hands were shaking.
Everyone… Vanished. From being in the upper deck of the bounty to a big shared room that for 45 nights only had one person sleeping inside. One out of seven that slept in there. One out of the eight that considered the bounty their home. He threw the alcohol on his wounds more than passed it on. Maybe it was because his vision was blurry, or maybe it was because he didn’t care.
What use were elemental powers for if he couldn’t save them. If he was as powerless with them as he had been without. Impotence ached in his bones. A cracking sensation that went down his arms and made breathing harder. There was always that one. A face that after tragedy would look up to him; look at him like his soul had not been torn open, like he had not lost parts of himself. Ask for a shelter he could not give… But he couldn’t look at them and tell them that.
The ugly side of being the oldest. Never the leader, too hot headed for that. Just the one everyone knew would always have their backs.
A deep sight left his lips when the sting of the alcohol went inside his wound. He didn’t need a stupid dummy. He needed a cigarette.
The yard was alone, not like Lloyd would notice. It would be one. That’s it, he could even go out and take a few steps down from the monastery. Lloyd wouldn’t even notice the smell. He just couldn’t get caught looking for one.
Perks of being a ninja… sadly everyone else was one too. But- fuck - right, only Lloyd. He was sleeping anyway. He got pretty tired closing the mergequake in the middle of the night. Kai had not bothered to wake him up. Is not like they would talk a lot… there wasn’t much to say right now.
He ignored the sting on his left foot. Nya’s voice sounded angrier now. “You should have put a bandage at least” but he just headed for his room. He knew he still had a box hidden, from before the- it had to still be there.
He stopped a second, Lloyd’s bedroom door was open. His little brother lay face up in the bed, gi still on. He looked exhausted. The same frown he had when Kai found him accompanied him in his sleep. Is like that was the only thing his eyebrows did. It was weird. To see his limbs thrown around, and not his usual -kinda hugging himself- position. Him and Nya slept the same. Kai bit his lip before the pain that went from his chest to his throat could become a sob. His room. The cigarette.
He kept it in a shoe box, under a bunch of old comics he didn’t even read anymore. He is sure half of those aren’t even his. But he figured it was as safe a hiding spot as any. He took the comics and magazines away, the paper brushed hardly on the open cuts of his arms but he just threw them on the side. He opened the box only to find a bunch of trash. Stuff he left there years ago he was too lazy to throw away. His breathing became uneven. The box of cigarettes wasn’t there. But a note instead.
“Think of a better hidding spot next time, Firecracker.” Followed by a tiny drawing of a blinky face with Cole’s messy hair. He threw the box to the floor with force. Fuck . What does he think he is? It’s not like he had a problem? He smoked some times, yes, and once it got bad but it was once. But no, Cole and Nya seemed to think they could guilt trip him into just- ugh - Fuck .
At least it was Cole’s note. A note by Nya would mean she threw it away. Cole on the other hand was a dirty hypocrite who would steal his cigarettes. He stomped down to Cole’s empty room. Fuck him . He always did this. Why did they all freak out when he drank? Everyone else could get a cup once in a while but when he did everyone lost their minds. He could control himself. He didn’t have a problem but everyone else acted like he did. It was only once, once. Yes, damn it got ugly, but it was once! He just sometimes needed to clear his head, and what would twinkle toes know about needing to clear his head.
His breathing stopped. At least that seemed to happen. Kai is not sure… is not like- He had trashed Cole’s room. Every cabinet, even the boxes under his bed that were full of old sketchbooks. His hoodies Kai used to steal, carelessly thrown on the floor. He- Cole had- there was a box under Cole’s bed. He had thought… he had thought he found cigarettes. His lips tremble.
“Kai…?” Lloyds voice was low, but it was the loudest thing in the room. It dawned on him that the noise should have woken him up. Kai couldn’t look at him, see his sadness, the same frown, the sorrow planted in his expression. His gaze was locked in his hand, the medallion that was being smeared by the blood of his palm. Cole had wanted- he was gonna- “Hey Kai…” Lloyd sounded closer. But Kai couldn’t see him, his back was facing the door, and frankly, he didn’t feel like he could move. A hand touched his shoulder. It wasn't Zane’s understanding, Jay’s never judging pressense, or Cole’s reassurance. The small hand he once promised to protect held him. The sob escaped.
Pained sobs broke through the monastery as he held the Yin Yang medallion close to his chest. Pushing it hard against his sternum. Like the pressure could bring him back; like the pressure could make him see his sister again; bring Pixal’s company; Wu’s guidance. Lloyd put Kai’s face on his shoulder, and the sob that Kai left was one of guilt. Because that should be him, he should be the protector here, the one making sure Lloyd was okay, but when has he ever functioned after a loss? He couldn’t stay, he couldn’t stay here when every corner was something else he lost, the family he couldn’t protect.
Fuck . Lloyd shouldn’t have to see him like this. This is why he always left, he couldn’t- Not after Zane, not after Nya. He couldn’t look at Lloyd and pretend everything was okay. Like parts of him were not torn and lost. “... I can’t- I can’t…” He didn’t meet Lloyds gaze, He couldn’t do that to him, finding him in a trashed room was enough, Kai couldn’t let Lloyd meet his face. Not when he couldn’t control the tears; not now when his chest felt so heavy he was having a hard time breathing.
He wanted his siblings back, his lover, his sister. He pressed the medallion harder to his chest. He screamed hoping the empty feeling would leave. Get out of his system with a yell that only made his throat hurt. He grabbed his hair and started pulling, anything to make the pain something rational, anything that could make the pain something he could patch up instead of this . This empty hole on his chest that seemed to be consuming him whole.
“Hey, hey, no, Kai!” Lloyd’s hand quickly went to grab his. He stopped a second when he felt the medallion but quickly continued his course. Kai fought him, trying to set himself free without having to look up. This was enough, Lloyd shouldn’t see him like this. “Kai, don’t! You are hurting yourself!” His voice was high, he was trying not to cry, he was trying to be strong… for Kai.
“STOP!” his face snapped up. His throat felt dry. He could count with one hand the times Lloyd had looked at him with those eyes. Glossy, holding back tears. He always hated being the reason behind that expression… A telling of how bad he had screwed up. “Hey… Is okay. I am not a kid anymore, you don’t have to act all tough for me to like you.” The smile Lloyd gave him was sad, but he figures that’s as good as he could manage at the moment. His hand started running up and down Kai’s back, and he did his best to match the motions with his breathing.
Lloyd stayed until his breathing was even again. He guided Kai to rest against Cole’s bed -place he would most often sleep in anyways- and took a seat next to him. He squeezed himself closer, holding Kai’s hand, head on his shoulder to encourage Kai to put some weight on Lloyd. It was numb.
He tried, very carefully, to start cleaning up the dust in the medallion, without smearing more blood on it. Lloyd squeezed his hand. “Did you know he had been meaning to ask you?” Kai’s breath stopped for a second. No, he hadn't. He had no idea. He made a conscious decision to concentrate on Lloyd’s thumb as it drew circles on the back of his hand. His head was pounding. “I suspected it.” The younger continued once he figured out his brother wouldn’t speak. “I caught him and Nya talking about a trip, I guess he was planning on asking you there.” Kai took a deep breath. This wasn't making it easier.
“Lloyd.” He had to look at him when he said it, even when Lloyd was already shaking his head, his eyes in their interlocked fingers. “I can't stay.” The shaking was slow, but not less demanding. Lloyd shut his eyes harshly. A single tear fell down; Kai felt his soul shatter. “I’m sorry.”
Lloyd’s hand squeezed his. Eyes shut hard to keep more tears from escaping, and though his lips did not move, Kai knew what he meant. “Don’t go”, “Don’t leave me”. Kai wishes he could lie and say his words comforted him, but when Lloyd let out a low and pained “I understand.” Kai felt that what little of his soul was there had been crushed away.
He brought his brother closer. Hugging him from the side and the hand that once was intertwined with Lloyd’s played with the blond’s hair. “You know I’ll be back, right?” There was a pause, then a nod.
Lloyd let out a dry laugh. He forced it, and Kai knew it, but he wouldn’t point that out. “You better.” Kai ignored the pit in his stomach, deciding instead to move Lloyd’s hair away from his forehead and plant a kiss.
“I will, kiddo, I will.” Not any time soon. Not for as long as the quiet was the loudest thing in a monastery that should have been full. But he couldn’t say that, Lloyd already knew. He rested his head on top of Lloyd’s, holding his remaining family close.
He just needed a break
; until the corners became themselves again; until the quiet was not a reminder of the death.