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They’ve met like this many times before. When everyone has retired to their tents and traveled to the land of dreams. When the moon glows and stars twinkle in the sky. When the night’s silence leaves place to lingering thoughts and unspoken words.
But this time, it’s different. There’s a certain heaviness to the air around them. Tav’s heart weighs down when his eyes meet Astarion’s. The more they travel together, the more they face the trials that just won’t stop coming; the more his facade crumbles. Heavy questions and their dire answers slowly picking at the dusty bricks. Until there’s nothing but a broken down wall, barely standing up on its own.
It hurts, seeing him like this. The glimmer in his beautiful eyes changed to a fog. Astarion looks away, at nothing in particular. Tav knows his mind is full. Knows that there are wounds on his heart he might never be able to mend. And he doesn’t blame him for it. There is only so much that love can heal.
He wants to say something, but lacks the words. Tav doesn’t know if there is anything to say in these moments. When Astarion’s demons crawl out of his heart and pull him down into the depths. When they flood his mind with harrowing memories, with threats he knows must eat at him from the inside.
“It’s hard to believe everything that’s happened to us,” Astarion says softly, breaking the silence. “Kidnapped and infected by mind flayers, running around Faerun only to be led back to the grand city of Baldur’s gate, where my old life waits. Quite a turn in our lives, huh?”
But his words are empty. Small talk.
Tav wants to reach out to him. Cup his cheeks, stroke his hair. But he holds back. “What’s on your mind, my love?”
“So much,” Astarion whispers, turning his head to look at him. Tears swell his eyes, threatening to fall. “Too much, I fear.”
“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
“But we do! ” Astarion snaps, “we have to talk about it, eventually, no?” Emotion scratches his voice, traits pulled. “We keep getting closer and closer and believe me when I say I enjoy every minute of it but I am also deeply terrified.”
“There’s nothing to fear,” Tav whispers, eyes pleading. “So much is happening around us, more than most can handle. We mustn't be hasty. There will be time to define what is happening between us later, after everything.”
“But–how could you even–” his voice breaks, gaze torn away from Tav’s, “I’m broken. Can’t you see? That I bear scars that will never heal, wounds that won’t stop bleeding?” He turns back to him, tears rolling down his cheeks. “Some nights I can’t even look at you, in fear of what might happen. How I might ruin it all. How you might finally realize that I am nothing but an unlovable, pathetic mutilated puppet! ”
Tears fill Tav’s eyes, too.
What happened to your heart, Astarion, for you to believe no one could ever love you?
“You are none of that,” Tav whispers, jaw clenched. “And I know you may never believe me, but I will keep repeating and repeating it until you do.” Flames flare in his chest, a knot forming in his throat. “Until I grow old and gray I will keep telling you you are the most beautiful soul I have ever come across in my life. I will tell you over and over again that meeting you was a blessing. That I wouldn’t change anything. Not about our circumstances nor about you.”
Astarion shakes his head. “You don’t know everything.”
“I don’t have to,” Tav retorts, leaning in, holding onto Astarion’s gaze. “The past–your past does not change how I see you. How I love you.”
“You say it so easily,” Astarion whispers, sniffling. “How?”
“Because I can feel it.” Tav presses his hand against his chest. “Here. The pull it has towards you. The way it jumps whenever you come into view. How it stops when you get close, flutters when you call me darling. How it aches every time I see you stare into the distance with a frown set deep between your brows, how it burns when your skin touches mine.”
Astarion doesn’t say anything. But he holds onto Tav’s eyes, all pointy ears.
“You are a part of me now. You occupy my every thought, leave me daydreaming about what our future might hold.”
“The future,” Astarion mumbles. For a second, his lips curve into a smile. “Our future. You know, I often thought of your positivity as sickening, but now… it warms my heart.”
“I have hope.” One of Tav’s hands reaches out. “Hope that we will resolve everything. That one day, all we will have is free time to do whatever we please. That we’ll get to know one another to the depths of our minds, laid bare, that we’ll walk down the streets of wherever we choose to live hand in hand, not a care in the world.”
“A pleasant idea,” Astarion chuckles, but strain still paints his face. “A little lackluster, but after all we’ve gone through, I’ll take a quiet life. And when I eventually get bored out of my mind, we can… expand our horizons.”
Astarion places a hand over Tav’s. Their fingers intertwine naturally.
“Whatever you want, my love.” Tav kisses the back of Astarion’s fingers. Heart swollen with tenderness he simply cannot contain. “It will be yours. I promise this.”
For a moment, they stay silent. Tav holds Astarion’s hand between both of his as he seems to process the turn in their conversation. He lets Astarion take his time, kissing his knuckles here and there. Cold wind rustles through his pale gray curls as his tears fall and ultimately stain his cheeks. Tav could look at him forever.
Astarion clears his throat. “Sorry, it’s just taking me a while to… swallow it all.”
“I’ll wait forever if I have to.”
Astarion’s eyes go round, and he slides closer, thighs brushing. “Do you really mean it? Everything you’ve said just now? Everything you’ve told me before?” His words are heavy. Voice soft and careful yet pleading. “Do you mean it when you say you love me?”
“I do.” Tav nods, squeezing his hand. “I mean every single word.”
He takes a deep breath. “Alright,” Astarion whispers in the small space left between them. “I… I believe you.”
Tav can’t help but let go of his hand and hold him instead, arms wrapping around his waist. He pulls him close, Astarion straddling his thighs so they’re flush against one another. Relief washes over Tav’s body as the familiar frame slots perfectly with his. If he could pause the world right now, if he could snap his fingers and time would stop; he would do it in a heartbeat. Put everything on hold as him and Astarion spend an eternity together. As he spends an eternity loving him with every fiber of his being.
They embrace each other like this for seconds, maybe minutes. Grasp tight and full of meaning, burned into the other’s flesh.
“I believe fate brought us together,” Tav whispers against the crook of Astarion’s neck, breathing in his comforting scent.
“I gave up on fate long, long ago, my dear.” Astarion swallows hard and takes Tav’s face between his cold hands. “But I’m willing to give it another chance. Perhaps… you’re right. Perhaps everything will be okay, in the end.” His lip quivers, eyes full of a sadness that claws Tav’s heart. “But until Cazador meets his end… every night I will be haunted by nightmares of him tearing you from my grasp. Punishing me with you.”
Tav rests his hands over Astarion’s. “That won’t happen. We will kill him. I swear I will never let him hurt you again.”
“Of course… we’ll kill him,” he whispers, but Tav knows Astarion won’t believe that any time soon. “I’ll be free.”
Tav nods. He clears his throat, grasp tightening around Astarion’s wrists.
“Promise me, just as I promised you.”
Astarion’s eyes widen. “What?”
“Promise me you’ll try to believe me. Promise me you’ll tell me when your mind darkens, when the world threatens to swallow you whole. Promise me you will stay by my side no matter what.”
Right then and there, the world does seem to stop. There is nothing but them and their shared breaths, but them and their burgeoning trust. Tav holds onto Astarion’s beautiful red eyes, praying to every God above that he will somehow feel his sincerity through his gaze.
“I promise,” Astarion whispers, words carried by the wind. He nods slowly, tearing up again. “I promise.”
Tav kisses him. Not to feel his skin or delve further into him, but to seal their promises to one another. To link their words as their lips do. And he feels the weight of it, how hard Astarion kisses him back. They stop to breathe, to look at each other. To silently admire the other’s eyes, nose and lips. To capture this moment in their minds forever. To look back on it when doubt settles again, when fears cloud judgment.
“Take me to bed,” Astarion murmurs, stroking the side of Tav’s face. “I wish to sleep in your arms tonight.”
That night, Astarion dreams. He dreams of warm hugs and sunlight on his cheeks. He dreams of a home, a backyard. Flowers the color of Tav’s eyes.