Work Text:
Dazai sighed as he stared at the crumpled piece of paper in his hand.
The blurred lines filled to the brim with barely legible scribbles and written in smudged, black ink stared back at him.
“Fuck, what have you done to me,” he croaked, folding the paper in a neater fashion than what its state might prove.
He pocketed it.
***
19
Hey, slug, I’m back at it again, for some reason.
I swore I’d never write a letter again, but it’s so BORING here, you see. You wouldn’t believe how terrible laying low is. Oh, wait. Is this how you feel all the time?
Eh, I was always bad at keeping promises, ne?
But seriously, get out of my mind, Chuuya. I’m supposed to be detached from my previous life. Turning over a new leaf. Forgetting the Port Mafia. Blossoming like the flower that I am but in the light, this time. Not thinking about STUPID SLUGS !!!
Not that I believe any of that of course. Do you, Chuuya? Are people capable of change, in your eyes?
Don’t answer. I know already. You’d give anyone a second chance, wouldn’t you? I’ve said it before. I envy it, in a way, but it’s also naive. It might get you killed one day, a stab in the back… not the front, this time.
I saw a chihuahua today, you know. I almost thought it was you when it started barking. Were you by the old arcade recently? I think your long-lost family is there. The non-assassin kind.
Everything reminds me of your stupid, ginger head. Can’t you leave your master alone for, like, two seconds? I know you’re loyal but… Is this what you’d classify as missing someone? I thought so, but it’s not really the case if you’re not dead, is it?
Not that I want to see your ugly face. Keep it to yourself. And out of my head.
The Mafia seems to still be running, although Mori-san needs to step up his stock game… his choices are always wrong. Can that man do nothing without me? I’m sure even you could choose better with that tiny brain of yours. Like owner, like dog, right?
Ah, running out of writing space… and you don’t deserve a double-sided letter, this time. Don’t get ahead of yourself.
Maybe I’ll check up on you, soon. You’re due for a grocery run next Tuesday, right? See you then.
Annoyingly Yours,
Dazai
***
20
It’s that time of the year again, chibi!
I wonder if these letters are just lying on the dusty floor of that old apartment, or if they even get delivered to a vacant apartment at all. I’d check, but I don’t like going back there. It stinks with the stench of a slug.
I got an actual job, recently.
Like, a legal one.
I… strangely like it.
It’s definitely not the Mafia, I’ll tell you that. When people said the light side is covered head to toe with morals, they meant it. But these people are interesting. They’re different, they’re kind, but they’re not useless.
It’s a strange feeling, I can’t pinpoint it. You know I was never good at feeling feelings, let alone naming them. But it’s not bad, I don’t think. I haven’t wanted to blow off anyone’s head, yet, so there’s that.
They’ve tried to guess my previous job, too, to no avail, of course. I’m pretty sure there might be a betting pool on it.
Ne, Chuuya, they won’t guess, will they? Surely not.
Still… as interesting as these people are, I can’t see myself being attached to them. I’d add “yet” to that, but it’s something even I’m uncertain of. With enough time, perhaps, but…
They’re not you.
I was assigned a new partner, too. He reminds me of you, in a way. Always angry. Yapping at everything. Strict on work and deadlines. Workaholic. Ah, the list goes on… you’d definitely get along.
We do, as well. He– Kunikida-kun is a good partner. He understands me, better than most. Not quite like you, never like you, but he can read what I want from him in stressful situations well, and with time, I’m sure he’ll be able to keep up with my non-verbal commands.
He’s fun, too. Fun to tease. Explodes at me when I slack off or flirt… reminds me of a certain chihuahua. It’s a nice feeling, I think. I don’t hate it. However, I’m not sure if it’s because it reminds me of you or not. I’d like to think not, but I’d be lying to myself.
…He takes care of me, too, you know? It’s like I went from one nagging partner to another. He shows vulnerability just as easily as you, as well. No regard for how it can be used against him, to manipulate him. I admire that in him. In everyone here, actually. And you.
It’s naive, it’s drilled into my head as a danger– but you all make it look so simple. So effortless.
Humans are confusing, aren’t they? To me, at least.
Not you, though. You’re like a book I bought in the kid’s section in the bookstore. Still a book, but so much easier to read than the rest.
Anyway, don’t worry about me, my attempts remain unsuccessful, unfortunately. And from what I can see, they probably won’t be for a while… when I said they try to take care of me, I meant it. I’m telling you, you’d like them.
…They’re not you, but they’re something.
Annoyingly Yours,
Dazai
P.S. I saw you buying crab, the other day. I thought you didn’t like it?
***
21
I’m back again, Chuuya! Have you missed me?
I’ll be honest for once, I don’t remember what I said in the previous letter.
I went on about Kunikida-kun, but I’ve forgotten what exactly I said. Which means you’ve forgotten too, right? I don’t think slugs have a good memory. I know I said I’d probably get along with the Agency in the future, last year. And well… when have my predictions ever been wrong, chibi?
Kunikida-kun hasn’t changed, really. He’s still fun to annoy… I’ve gotten used to dodging him now, too. So easy to predict, just like you, ne? He recently got me a new box of bandages, too. I’m not sure what came over him, he’s never that kind to me. Maybe he’s got a cold.
Our partnership has evolved, too. Nowhere near Soukoku, of course, but he’s good, chibi, I mean it. He’s definitely more than capable of being my partner… I do wonder what you’d think, though. You’ve always been judgy of others standing by my side, haven’t you? I saw those glares, even if you were on my blind side. You were painfully obvious.
Don’t worry your tiny head about it, you’re still the top contender.
Enough about Mr. Ideals, though. Don’t want to unconsciously inflate his ego… It also turns out Yosano-sensei and I aren’t so different, really. It only took one good gossip session to find that out. I’m never going back into that infirmary, though. Don’t tell her I said this, but she can be seriously terrifying.
They’re yet to guess my old job, and I was right about the betting pool. If they’re not angry with me when they do guess it and I get to stay, I hope Yosano-sensei wins. She’s the most likely to buy me stuff: I just need to phrase it in a way that makes it seem like I’m using it for self-care… she bought me two cans of crab once because I told her it helps to have lower cholesterol. I didn’t lie, of course, but I could not care less about my cholesterol.
See, chibi, that wouldn’t work on you. No matter how ‘healthy’ it was, you wouldn’t be caught dead buying me crab, right?
Speaking of the betting pool… Ranpo-san is banned from it. For good reason, of course, but it does sort of calm my nerves. Ranpo knows I worked for the Mafia. Maybe not my position, but it’s more than I’d like him to know. Even so, I haven’t seen any distrust from him. He’s an interesting character.
He reads me like a book, but not in the same way you do. Ranpo can accurately predict my own predictions, and come to a similar outcome as me. He knew my birthday because of the way I moved, somehow. He sees through some of my facades on the worst days. He also seems to know what I’ll say in meetings before I say them… that one is the most like you.
Although, you do it differently. You don’t need any signals to know what I’m feeling, somehow. You don’t need to predict my plans; you just always seem to know when I have one. You can’t predict the outcomes, but you trust me enough to leap into them immediately. You didn’t care about my birthday but somehow knew on the day that it just WAS. Don’t even get me started on the facades. They’re useless around you completely. Ugh.
Do you see what I mean?
Get out of my head.
I hate myself for missing the way you can read me. I always thought it unnerved me, the way only you could do it and so accurately, but… now that it’s gone, I miss it.
That is missing something, right? I think I’ve got it.
Maybe I liked being understood for once. I just didn’t know what being allowed to genuinely like something was, so I just viewed it as strange. It was a strange time, ne? Do you miss it too?
But I don’t miss you. I could go the rest of forever without hearing your yapping again. I should invest in a muzzle.
Sometimes, I do wish you weren’t stuck in the dark, though.
Annoyingly Yours,
Dazai
***
22
Hey, Chuuya.
You’re lucky! I almost forgot to write a letter this year, it completely slipped my mind. Crazy, I know.
No fear though, here I am! I’m sure you’ve missed me.
…You have, right?
Yeah.
Anyway! I’ve outdone myself recently, chibi. You’re a father!
Kidding. Kind of. See, I found a certain orphan by the river bank not long ago (well, he found me, more like. Technicalities.) And I took him in, you know, to the Agency. His name is Atsushi, he turns into a tiger… he’s a good kid. Better than I was at his age, anyway. Or should I say we? You weren’t much better. Insufferable.
But he genuinely seems to look up to me. It’s an odd thing because he has no idea what I’ve done. He trusts extremely blindly, extremely innocently. I’m not sure exactly what he’s gone through yet, but I predict it wasn’t good. It’s one instance where I sort of wish my predictions weren’t always true, for once.
Atsushi also reminds me of you, in a way. Not you at his age, specifically, just you in general. He’s stubborn and determined, but also a kind soul. He’ll get his hands dirty but doesn’t enjoy doing it for no reason. He has a powerful ability that he can’t quite control on his own… but he seems to have made peace with it and uses it in his own way. Have I already mentioned the blind trust in me?
You get the point. You have similar qualities.
I suppose I am quite fond of you, for them. Don’t tell yourself I said that.
I’ve actually thought about you a lot, recently, you know? …More than usual. I’m not sure why, really. I have an inkling I’ll be hearing something from you soon and I’m not sure how I feel about that. Can I really stand seeing that hat up close and personal again? I’d rather not throw up.
I wonder… do you feel it too? That feeling of impending doom in your gut?
I don’t even know why I’d end up seeing you. It definitely wouldn’t be willingly. That being said, it’ll probably be planned. Unfortunate. I suppose I was right about fate bringing us back together in this cruel, cruel world, though.
Tanizaki showed me a really good brand of tea, recently. Remember when I said I’d rather live in Mori’s office than drink your tea? …Well. I’m not sure the exact type of tea it is, but it doesn’t just taste like boiled salad, so that’s a win. Yosano looks at me weirdly when I sweeten it, though. Aren’t you supposed to do that? Are five spoons too little or something?
Anyway, I don’t know what else to say, here. If my hunch is correct, then we’ll be talking in person soon, anyway. Not that I could say any of this out loud, really…
I wonder if the other letters are still intact. If they’re actually gathering dust or if they’re somewhere in a landfill. Perhaps both. I don’t even know why I write these. I guess it’s a good place to be honest without consequences.
It cannot get worse than the first letter, though. That one’s a mess. It’s crumpled and smudged and ripped and full of unfiltered words that are nothing but raw and sad. I may not send these to you, but that one is never even seeing the light of day. I’m not risking it.
There’s a lot of honesty, in that one. Not a lie in sight. It’s just truth after truth after truth.
Ne, Chuuya, could you guess one of the truths? I promise it’s not hard.
Guessed it yet? Probably.
It’s that I love you, right?
It’s the most brutally honest I can be about it. It’s sappy, it’s disgusting, and it makes me want to barf literally and figuratively. Whether I’m worthy of doing so is a different story.
Point is, it’s love. I knew that, I denied it, and I tried to get rid of it. But even four years without you by my side didn’t do it, so… is there a point anymore? If I have to speak to you again soon without saying it, then I’ll say it here.
I love you, Chuuya, and that’s a truth I can live for. You don’t need to know about it for it to be real.
Annoyingly Yours,
Dazai
***
Dazai honestly wasn’t sure if Chuuya would go through with it. Nothing else had changed; they’d bickered as usual, Chuuya still claimed that he doesn’t pull his punches when fighting him, and now, Chuuya was leaving, and they’d just go back to avoiding contact until the next time fate brought them together. And yet, Dazai wasn’t sure.
Would it be too much familiarity? Was he pushing it? Was he missing something?
Nevertheless, the words easily spilt out of his mouth.
“Nuh-uh,” he chirped, with the most irritating voice he could muster. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”
He watched as Chuuya stopped, frozen rigid atop the stairs he was standing on. Upon closer inspection, he might’ve even been shaking, slightly.
Chuuya shuffled on the steps for a few seconds in contemplative silence before caving and spinning on his heel and buckling his knees. Dazai knew it was coming, but it was definitely still a sight to behold.
This was what he’d missed.
Nothing’s changed, really.
“Next time you won’t be so lucky, kind sir!”
And Dazai couldn’t help the suffocating laugh bubbling up his throat. He snapped his arms to his stomach, doubling over. As expected, even while laughing, he could hear Chuuya’s quiet chuckles from the opposite side of the dungeon.
What was less expected was Chuuya still being there, comfortably atop the stairs when Dazai regulated his breathing. He stared at the redhead who, against all odds, still held a fond smile on his face.
Dazai had a strong urge to roll his eyes.
“What is the chibi still waiting for? Go on, scurry away,” he said, voice still a bit shaky from lack of breath. “Don’t you have important papers to get to?”
For some reason, Chuuya’s smile only seemed to grow.
“Sure,” he said, a hint of amusement in his tone. He turned to leave. “I’ll be going now then, don’t explode the Mafia building on the way out because I ain’t explainin’ that shit to the boss.”
Dazai wanted to add that he didn’t have any explosives on him and that’d be a lot of effort anyway, but Chuuya spoke before he could. It was quieter, this time, but Dazai heard it clear as day.
“I’ll be lookin’ forward to your next letter.”
It was Dazai’s turn to freeze on the spot.
What?
It was like his whole world shifted with a single sentence. He didn’t recall how long he stood there, staring up at the dark staircase where Chuuya had just been; all he could remember was his brain being overtaken by thoughts of different calibres.
Chuuya said ‘letter.’
Dazai’s letters.
The letters he was sure Chuuya wasn’t reading and would never read.
The letters that contain things he could never muster up out loud.
The letters that Chuuya is aware of.
The letters Chuuya read.
Chuuya has read the letters.
Chuuya has read the letters.
It shouldn’t have come off as as big of a shock as it unfortunately had. He addressed the letters to Chuuya. It was foolish of him to send them away and expect them to never be read. The letters were to Chuuya, but not for him. They weren’t meant to be read.
Nevertheless, he couldn’t convince himself of the fact that Chuuya actually read the contents of the letters. It didn’t feel real.
So there he was, using his stealth skills for something as undeniably childish as following Chuuya back to his home.
Just to make sure.
He couldn’t stop the lump in his throat from forming as he recognised the obvious direction they were heading in. It was so painfully familiar, even after four years of seeming vacancy.
The old apartment. Their old apartment. The same apartment’s address was on every single letter Dazai had sent. The same apartment Chuuya apparently still lived in. The same apartment he’d been reading said letters in.
Suddenly the crumpled piece of paper tucked away in Dazai’s pocket felt painfully heavy.
***
The darkness of the apartment was rapidly drowned out by the light and Dazai couldn't help but jump from his place on the couch.
No. Not yet.
He heard a sigh behind him.
"Do you not have your own house, mackerel?”
"Ah," Dazai said in return, smiling sheepishly. "Chuuya wasn't supposed to be back for another three hours."
Raising an eyebrow, Chuuya made his way towards him. "The boss let me off early, said the Black Lizard could handle it. I insisted but he wouldn't have it," he replied easily. "I'm thinkin' Ane-san has something to do with it. She's been tellin' me to get more sleep recently anyway…"
Dazai could only stare as Chuuya talked about what happened casually, too casually, while slowly making himself comfortable. He took off his coat and his shoes. It only took until his hand made its way to his hat for Dazai's theory to be confirmed.
He's not hostile. He expected him here.
He's read the letters.
Dazai gulped, spreading his grin wider despite his hand clenching in his pocket tighter than ever.
"Oh, does the loyal dog need rest? I've heard smaller dogs do get tired faster…"
Chuuya, instead of yelling, just huffed.
"I don't think I need rest. Everyone else thinks I need rest."
He swayed slightly on his feet as he found his way to the couch, easily taking the spot next to Dazai's.
"Hey, you alright? You're tense," he asked after a moment, and Dazai realised with a jolt that he was tense. Why was he tense?
"I'm fine," Dazai lied, forcefully releasing the tension from his shoulders. Apparently, it wasn't convincing enough for Chuuya.
"Cut that out," Chuuya snapped, though it lacked heat. "You're obviously not fine, I can hear you think from over here. What's up with ya?"
Reading his mind again. How inconvenient.
Dazai sighed. Whatever he said, Chuuya would see through it, even tired. Scratch that, especially when tired. No inhibitions or pride holding him back.
"You're not surprised that I'm here?" He asked eventually, meeting Chuuya's gaze head-on. He wasn't expecting Chuuya to snort.
"Surprised? Why the fuck would I be surprised?"
Why wouldn't he be?
"But I don't…" Dazai started, brow furrowed. "I don't…"
"Live here?" Chuuya finished for him. "Yeah, you do."
Then he frowned.
"What's gotten into you? You should know this. I can't say I don't hate you, bastard, but you're still welcome in our apartment."
And if that wasn't the final straw for Dazai.
With a sharp inhale, he reached into his pocket, desperately clawing at the piece of paper hidden deep inside. He needed that letter. He needed Chuuya to see it. He needed to tell Chuuya everything.
He didn't realise he'd started slightly hysterically laughing until he felt Chuuya grab his wrist.
"Hey, hey, chill! I'll help you, c'mon. What's in your pocket?" He said, not even hiding the concern in his voice.
Dazai's voice, on the other hand, didn't make it past his chest, let alone his throat.
Instead, he just looked at Chuuya, hoping he got the message across well enough.
Chuuya sighed softly, quiet understanding flooding his gestures. "Okay," he said, "Okay. I'll get it, yeah?"
Dazai gave a slow nod as Chuuya reached his hand into the trench coat's pocket, pulling out the crumpled piece of paper.
He was made painfully aware that Chuuya's other hand was still on his wrist a mere second before it was pulled away. His breathing must have become irregular again because Chuuya stopped, keeping the letter in his hand as his gaze snapped back to Dazai.
"Breathe, you idiot," he said, placing his hand back on Dazai's.
Where it belongs, Dazai's mind supplied greedily. Where it should've been since the start.
Chuuya's gaze bounced between Dazai and the letter.
"You want me to read this?" He asked, not a teasing tilt to his tone. "Is that it?"
"Yes," Dazai managed, hating how desperate he sounded. This is why he wrote everything in letters.
"Okay," Chuuya said, taking his hand away from Dazai's own in order to uncrumple the letter. And Dazai will never be able to live it down, but he honestly whined at the loss of contact.
From the looks of it, Chuuya was just as surprised as he was at the sudden outburst. Nevertheless, he slowly, carefully, returned his hand to its previous position.
Dazai could almost cry at the way his chest tightened at the gesture.
Chuuya smiled at him and neither said anything as his gaze drifted to the letter.
***
18
Chuuya,
I’m sorry.
Not for leaving the Mafia, that place fucking sucked. I hate it. Actually, that’s a lie. I don’t hate the Mafia completely. I hate Mori. I hate myself for keeping myself near him this long. For letting this happen.
But I am sorry for leaving you. For leaving without a word. For leaving when I said I wouldn’t.
But you, unfortunately, also know me. I’m not a good person, Chuuya. I would’ve lost you one way or another, in the end. Ultimately, everything I yearn for and come to love is taken away from me the moment I obtain it.
Honestly, I’m surprised you’ve lasted this long. And I don’t mean that in a mean way, for once, so stop growling at the letter. No one has lasted this long in my presence without something happening to them.
No, that’s not right.
No one that has had the misfortune of being cared for by me has lasted this long.
That’s better, ne?
Taking you with me wouldn’t have been any better for us, in the end. You would get sick of me, or something would happen, or god forbid, you’d die. I used to think I’d like to see you die, you know? To kill you with my own hands. To try out every method I could think of. To put you down so you don’t get back up. To finally have peace and quiet from your yapping. To be free from being permanently and indelibly bound to you.
The thought unnerves me, now, just a bit.
I’ve learned how it actually feels to lose a friend. And if this is just the pain a friend brings, then…
Stay alive for a bit longer, yeah? Don’t go stealing my brand, either. Something tells me we’ll meet again, in this cruel world.
I should say that I hope we never meet again. I should say I hope you live on to get by without me constantly by your side. I should say that I never want to see you again to save you from the storm that I am.
But I’m selfish. I always have been, haven’t I?
I do want to see you again. Someday. Not now. Not anywhere in the near future.
I’m a terrible person as it is and an even worse one for wanting anything from you. You deserve better, chibi, you always have.
But for no one but my own sake, I hope you never get anything, anyone, better.
It’s cruel. Right? I care for you so deeply, I always have. Not that I ever knew what that meant, before Odasaku. He made me realise what friendship felt like, exactly, but I couldn’t pin that feeling on you either. It was similar, but so, so different.
It was friendship but in a suffocating way. In a way that carved through your chest and buried itself there. In a way that knew no rational limits when it came to thoughts.
It was love. I know that.
It still is love, really. It shouldn’t be. I feel like the moment I realised exactly what I was feeling, it was like a timer started ticking. A timer counting down seconds until your unfortunate doom. Our undeniable parting.
Unfortunately, it’s love.
And love is greedy. It’s crushing. It’s painful.
And when mixed with me, it’s dangerous.
So I hope you never find anyone else. I hope you stay independent, waiting for your master to return like the loyal dog that you are.
But I also hope you don’t look for me. Don’t seek me out. You won’t find me, it’s not worth it.
Ah, who am I kidding? You will try anyway, won’t you? You’ll probably even figure it out. But you won’t tell a soul, will you? It’s who you are, Chuuya. You’ll hate me, maybe even genuinely for a while. That thought would terrify me, but… it won’t be for long.
As you unfortunately know me, I also know you. You can’t stay mad. You don’t hold grudges for long. You’ll find a way to empathize and forgive almost anyone, even if it’s me.
I hope you get to be angry, though. I deserve it. Scream your heart out. Curse me into the sun. I’ll even give you a formal written permission form to break my belongings that I left in the apartment.
The apartment, too. You’ll move out, most likely. Maybe I’ll send this to that apartment. You’ll never want to go back there, so…
Or maybe I’ll keep it. Never send it anywhere.
God, this is exhausting. Remind me to never write a letter again. How do you write all those reports every single day? One letter and I’m gone.
Anyway, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that loving you caused this. I’m sorry you’ll have to live through the same pain as me. I’m sorry that I’ll return to your life, someday.
I’d say I wish you well, but I don’t. I hope you choke on your wine while your car blows up.
Annoyingly Yours,
Dazai
***
Dazai watched in careful anticipation as Chuuya’s eyes skimmed through the lines of the letter, taking in every word. His gaze never once left the piece of paper, but the emotions were shown clear as day on his face, and his hand tightened around Dazai’s.
It was disgustingly easy to tell when he reached certain points of the letter.
By the time he got to the end, he was smiling, albeit with tears in his eyes.
“Possessive prick,” he said, voice a little shaky. “As if I ever deserved anyone else.”
And Dazai’s never felt so much warmth in his chest in his life. He opened his mouth to speak, but once again words failed him. He frowned in frustration.
Chuuya snorted from opposite him. Next thing he knew his face was buried in Chuuya’s shoulder, being hastily pulled closer.
Chuuya was hugging him. Willingly.
He wanted to say a lot of things. A lot of things that he could add to that letter, now, four years later. A lot of things he could change.
But there’s one thing that the letter got completely correct.
“I love Chuuya,” he said into Chuuya’s shoulder, his voice slightly muffled. He felt Chuuya shake with laughter.
“Yeah. Chuuya loves you too, bastard.”