Chapter Text
Today was it. Today was the day he was going to tell him.
The letter had been sat in his bedside drawer for the last month or so, but today was the day he was going to give it to its intended, or at least he hoped so, if he managed to get the guts.
It was Fizzarolli’s birthday and the whole circus had been hectic all day trying to get things ready for the party.
He hadn’t been very involved in the fanfare, not for lack of care, but that he was already occupied with mentally wrestling with himself about the letter.
He sat on his bed with the letter held in his hands. He had been staring at it for hours now. He turned it over in his hands nervously, glancing at the ‘Fizz’s eyes only’ written in his own messy writing.
“Hey Blitzo!!” He gasped and hid the letter behind his back as Fizz’s head poked through the entrance curtain of the tent he and Barb shared.
He put on a strained nervous smile. “Hey Fizz. Happy Birthday.”
“Thanks!” Fizz’s eyes glowed with excitement, it was only expected from the birthday boy. “The party’s going to start soon. Are you coming out? I haven’t seen you all day!”
He avoided the others eyes. “Uh-y-yeah Fizz. I’ll be out soon, I’ve just been..occupied with something important.” His grip tightened on the letter behind his back.
He didn’t notice Fizz’s eyes lose some of their shine and a small hurt frown form on his lips. “Oh..okay.”
He met the other’s eyes again and the shine was back like it never left, the frown gone replaced with a grin. “Well, I’m heading to the party, don’t be too long!” Fizz disappeared through the tent curtains.
“I won’t.” He said, though the other couldn’t hear it as he was already gone.
It took effort to haul himself up from his messy bed and leave his room.
He decided that before he headed to the party, he would go and visit his mom in her and his father’s shared tent.
With her illness being as bad as it was, his mom had been practically bedridden for months which meant she would be unable to attend the party, though he knew there was plans to have a smaller party in her room with her later that night so she could give Fizz her present.
He slipped the letter in his pocket for the time being and headed to the tent.
He poked his head though the entrance curtain to see her propped up with pillows on her bed, reading a book. Her shaggy long black hair, flat and greasy with sweat, her skin pale and sickly, with a light sheen of sweat on the surface.
Her head peeked up from the book, alerted by the entrance ruffles.
He smiled. “Hi mom.” He entered and walked over to the bed, perching on the end.
She smiled sweetly but tiredly at him. “Hello my darling and what is purpose for this visit? I thought I was seeing you later after the party.”
“I just came to check in before I head to the party.” He explained softly. “I feel bad for leaving you alone here whilst we all party.”
Her smiled deepened. “Oh its quite alright sweetheart. I’ll be fine. I do not min-.” Her sentence was cut off by a ragged coughing fit.
He frowned worriedly shuffling closer to rub her back as she coughed, he almost could hear her lungs rattling at the strength of each cough.
It took a few moments for the coughing to stop. His mother slumped backwards looking more tired that she already had.
“Are you sure you’ll be okay mom?” He didn’t want to leave his mom like this if she was going to have another fit. Even if it put a wrench in his plans, he wouldn’t leave her if she needed him. “Maybe I should-.”
His mom raised her hand to stop him. “No no, don’t you finished that sentence.” She said firmly. She lowered her hand and reached out for his, which he gave her and she squeezed. “I will be fine Blitzo. Besides, Fizzarolli would be upset if you didn’t attend his birthday party won’t he?”
She was right. He wilted. “Well alright.”
“Now, go and have fun and I will see you later okay?” She smiled at him, lifting his hand and giving it a kiss. “Just promise to bring me a slice of cake won’t you?” She added.
He felt a wide smile grow on his face at that. His mother had always had a sweet tooth. “I promise mom.” He pressed a kiss to her cheek before he slid off her bed.
Before he went to leave, his eyes spotted the vase of flowers next to her bed, those that they brought every few days to spruce up the tent.
“Mom..can I take one of those?” Maybe Fizz would like it?
Confusion flittered on her face for a moment before it changed to understanding, slight amusement in her eyes. “Of course darling.”
He smiled at her shyly, knowing what she was thinking and plucked the nicest one from the vase.
“Bye mom!” He waved before he left the tent.
The circus grounds were empty by now, every having already headed to the party. He was probably going to be the last one there.
He slipped the letter out of his pocket, holding it with the flower he’d taken. So he was really doing this huh? He steeled himself, eyes filled with determination. No backing out, not this time.
He strode towards the tent where the party was taking place, he could already hear the music thumping from outside the tent.
The closer he got to the party, the more his resolve and determination faded against his will, replaced by a familiar wariness and nervousness. He nibbled his lip nervously.
What if he didn’t feel the same way? What if he ruined everything between him and Fizz?
Those thoughts whirled around his head, wearing him down.
He could see everyone silhouettes through the curtain. Okay, here goes.
He grabbed the curtain and wrenched it open.
The party was in full swing, some people dancing, some with a drink in hand talking. He could see Barb at the snack table stuffing a cupcake into her mouth, Fizz and his father were chatting, his father wearing a kind and proud smile, one he’d never seen sent his own way, and patted Fizz’s head. Everyone looked so happy, it was almost like no-one realised he was missing.
He felt a frown form on his lips, his grip tightening on the flower and letter and took a step back, letting the curtain close a little only staying open enough to see inside, something uncomfortable curdling inside him.
He had felt this feeling before, it wasn’t the first time.
He felt it every time that Fizz succeeded in something he failed at, every time his father praised Fizz when all he ever got was scorn and insults, sometimes even a slap or two.
Jealousy.
He hated feeling that towards Fizz, he was his best friend, but he couldn’t help it. Fizz was amazing, he was so talented and confident. Perfect. But in every way he wished he could be, but wasn’t. He paled in every way compared to Fizz. Fizz was better than him in every way and it stung.
…Maybe he shouldn’t do this. How could anyone as amazing as Fizz want to be with someone like him? It was stupid now, he realised. He didn’t belong with someone like Fizz, he would only bring him down and ruin him like he did everything else.
The frown deepened on his lips and only deepened further when he saw Fizz was handed a card by his father that said ‘Wish you were my son.’
Even though he held no love for his father, the piece of shit and he knew it was mutual, but still that..hurt. He shouldn’t be surprised by now, but he couldn’t help the blow he felt from it.
Maybe he should just go. This was just a stupid idea anyway.
Fizz noticed him, his eyes lighting up and a huge grin growing on his face. He was ethereal and beautiful. It hurt his heart, to know that he would never have him.
He shut the curtain, tears forming and walked away. He didn’t notice Fizz’s hurt expression as the other stared after him. He looked at the flower and letter, his grip tightening on it as his turmoil grew. Someone thumped his shoulder as they walked by. He shoved them away and threw the letter and the flower on the ground and walked away. He didn’t notice the luminous green flames that formed and quickly spread behind him as lit candles from a fallen birthday cake, caught fire on the tent.
The tears burned his eyes but he refused to let them fall, holding himself tightly in an effort to comfort himself from his heartbreak.