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It had been almost a year since the release of Bandersnatch and Stefan had finally begun his second game. Colin had tried to convince him that he needed the time off. He had said that making your first game always took something from you. But during his break, Stefan had begun to grow restless, itching for his next idea, starved, like an addict. So, once he came up with one, he went straight to the office and practically begged Thakur to give him the green light.
He had, of course. Bandersnatch had been a huge success, and Stefan’s name alone would guarantee sales.
So he got to work, and this time it was in the office. He was still working independently, the way he had the previous year, but working in the office meant getting to see Colin .
Stefan had been desperate to see Colin again. They had spoken a handful of times since Bandersnatch’s release, but only in the office, and that wasn’t enough for Stefan to be satisfied. So he decided to work in the office, and when he did, he also decided to take up smoking. Not to impress Colin, but to get his attention. Stefan knew that if he smoked from a shop-bought pack, Colin would have something to say about it, and he did.
He came over to Stefan’s cubicle on his first day, with a rolled cigarette held lightly between two fingers. Stefan had his own preroll between his lips. “Here,” Colin started, offering out the cigarette.
Stefan turned in his chair, taking his own cigarette and holding it up, feigning confusion. “I’ve already got one,” he replied, smirking inside. Colin had fallen right into it, hook, line and sinker.
“I thought I told you those things had strychnine in them,” Colin tutted back, taking Stefan’s pack off the table and shoving it into his back pocket. “Wouldn’t want you getting poisoned, would we?”
Stefan blushed slightly, despite all the preparation he had done for their interaction. He allowed Colin to take the cigarette from between his fingers and replace it with his own.
“Get them from me in the future, yeah?” Colin added. Stefan gave him a nod, placing Colin’s rolled cigarette between his lips and lighting it up. He still wasn’t used to the sensation, smoke clawing at his throat and sitting at the bottom of his lungs. It felt warmer from Colin’s cigarette than it had from his own.
Over the following weeks, Colin constantly checked up on Stefan, making sure he knew how to work the Tuckersoft computers and that he was making progress with his game.
Eventually, that turned into them sharing progress: playing each other’s games and making edits until they practically became shared projects.
So that’s what Thakur suggested. “We’ll put both of your names on both games,” he pitched. Stefan and Colin were sat side-by-side on the sofa in Thakur’s office. “So fans of Stefan or fans of Colin will buy both games!”
Stefan was hesitant about the idea. Whilst Colin had made many edits to his game, it all came from Stefan’s ideas, he didn’t want all the credit to be given to Colin because he was the more experienced programmer.
But, when they left Thakur’s office together, Colin said, “I like the idea of that. Both of our names together, on posters and billboards,” and Stefan was instantly on board.
Colin, the Colin Ritman , wanted Stefan’s name on his game. It almost seemed too good to be true. “I like the sound of that,” Stefan agreed, wistfully. Colin smiled down at him, and Stefan looked up, hoping that Colin would never look away.
Two years since Bandersnatch, and Stefan and Colin had become even closer. At work, they would spend all their time together, programming or trying to programme. But that was hard when they were either distracting each other or getting yelled at by Thakur for always distracting each other.
Stefan would find himself watching Colin, feeling the urge to reach out and touch his hair, his clothes, the skin of his neck. It was especially hard to resist when Colin sat so close, letting out streams of smoke from his mouth and nostrils and playing his music loud through his headphones, so they could both hear it.
Colin was also distracting because he was always so willing to listen. He would say something small, like when Colin had mentioned that they both owned the same Deus Ex Machina poster, and Stefan would go on a long rant, eager to impress Colin with his extensive knowledge.
He was on a long tirade about the new issue of Space Fleet when Thakur finally became fed up. “If you two are going to be geeks, do it out of office hours! I don’t pay you to sit on your arses, I pay you to work!”
Stefan hung his head in shame, whilst he walked away. It was only once Thakur was out of earshot that Colin let out a laugh. “I hate to say it but he’s right. We talk too much.”
Stefan felt his cheeks go hot and he quickly forced out an apology. “Colin, I’m sorry. I talk too much-“
“You should come to my flat,” Colin suggested, suddenly, as if he hadn’t heard Stefan at all. “Bring the first issue of Space Fleet. I might actually get ‘round to reading it, then. It’ll also give Thakur a chance to get rid of that stick up his arse.” Stefan stared at Colin, incredulously. He had never been to Colin’s flat before, he had never even seen him outside of work.
“Would that be okay?” He asked. “To come to your flat, I mean.” Colin’s eyebrows furrowed, disappearing under the frames of his glasses. “Of course. Why wouldn’t it be?” Stefan shrugged, unsure of the answer himself.
They worked in forced silence for the rest of the day, the urge to talk being shoved to the side by the reminder that they would be spending that night together. Stefan was going to Colin Ritman’s apartment, he could hardly believe it as he thought it.
Stefan rushed home after work, picked up the first few issues of Space Fleet, and immediately set off to Colin’s flat. He didn’t live too far away, only down the road from Saint Junipers, which wasn’t a long walk. Usually, he drove, or his father drove him, but it didn’t take Stefan long to arrive.
Colin had told him the apartment’s number earlier that day, so Stefan was able to walk straight up and knock on the door. Within a second, he could see Colin’s outline in the blurred window, almost as if he had been waiting by the door.
The door opened. Colin was wearing blue jeans, a matching denim jacket and a white t-shirt. His hair was messy and not styled, as if he had just had a shower. He smelled fresh too, rather than the usual stench of weed and cigarettes.
“Hello,” Stefan said. Colin looked down at him, with the pile of comics held in his arms. “Keeping me busy, are you?” He asked. Stefan stammered, “you don’t have to read them all. I just thought we might get through them quickly.”
Stefan held the comics closer to his chest. Was this a bad idea? He asked himself. Did Colin really want to do this or was he being too forceful?
But when Colin pushed the door wider and stepped aside, allowing Stefan into the apartment, he decided to leave that thought at the door.
Colin walked by Stefan’s side, sitting down next to him on the sofa. “So how are we doing this?” He asked, peering over as Stefan rifled through the comics, searching for the first issue.
Stefan could feel Colin’s breath on the skin of his neck, hot and heavy like a dense fog. He shivered, before plucking a comic from his collection.
“I thought we could read them together,” Stefan explained, placing the remaining pile on the table. Colin took the issue off of Stefan’s lap, reading the blurb and inspecting the cover art.
Stefan watched him, hoping to see even a glint of interest in his eyes. “I would like that,” he said, eventually. He opened up the comic, one page falling on his lap and the other on Stefan’s.
They read the first few pages in silence, though Stefan found it hard to concentrate, focusing instead on the rise and fall of Colin’s chest.
They made it onto the second volume, and Colin lit a joint. The smell made Stefan feel tired and made his head throb, but he would never tell Colin to put it out, especially not in his own home.
He focused on the pages of the comic instead, the colours and text blending together like watercolours. It made Stefan feel dizzy.
By the third volume, Stefan’s eyes had begun to droop, his head falling on Colin’s shoulder. Colin didn’t stop him, and when he put his arm around Stefan’s shoulders, he didn’t stop him either.
A year later, and Colin became an even bigger Space Fleet fan than Stefan. They had read all of the comics together, and had pulled several all-nighters whilst marathoning the show. Stefan had seen it all before, so he would regularly zone out to watch Colin’s reactions, but Colin never noticed. He was too focused on Space Fleet.
Because of their late nights, Stefan would sleep at Colin’s house regularly, either because he fell asleep on Colin’s sofa whilst watching the telly or because he didn’t want to go back home, to his father.
So, when Colin’s flatmate, Kitty, moved out, it seemed like a natural progression for Stefan to move in. He never officially moved in, as he never told his father that he was moving out, but Colin had given him a key to the flat, and eventually, all of Stefan’s things begun to be stored there too.
But one day, when Stefan was about to leave, Colin finally gathered the courage to ask him to stay.
“Just one more episode,” Colin said, first, making any excuse for him to stay the night. Stefan was tired, his eyes narrowed and his skin pale, and Colin knew that if Stefan so much as sat down, he would fall asleep immediately.
“Colin, it’s late. I have to go home,” Stefan protested, slotting his key in the hole. The key clicked and the sound rang clarifyingly through the room. If Colin wanted Stefan to stay, he would have to do it the hard way.
“What if this was your home?” He asked, rushing the words out as if they burned his tongue. Stefan froze, and Colin felt dread rushing up through his veins, cold and painful like ice.
“Like, if I lived here?” Stefan asked, hesitantly. Colin nodded quickly. The sooner this conversation is over, the better, he told himself. But then, Stefan grinned. “I’d like that.”
Colin felt relief pass through him, his shoulders relaxing and all the muscles in his body becoming looser. “So…you’re going to stay?”
Stefan laughed, stepping closer. Colin stayed still as Stefan wrapped his arms around him. He was still smiling. It showed off all his teeth. He nodded as his hands came to rest on Colin’s back.
“Does the mean we can watch another episode?” Colin added. Stefan nodded again, with a chuckle. “Sure,” he said, and when he leaned forward to gently kiss Colin, it didn’t come as a surprise. It felt natural, like they had kissed thousands of times before. Colin inhaled, pulling Stefan closer, wanting to breathe him in, to feel the heat of his skin.
Stefan pulled away too quickly. “I thought you wanted to watch Space Fleet?” He whispered against Colin’s lips. He had completely forgotten about it, Colin realised. “I do,” he admitted. “But I also want to keep kissing you.”
Stefan giggled, pressing his lips swiftly against Colin’s. “You can kiss me whilst watching Space Fleet,” he suggested, and Colin sniggered. “That’s sounds like a good deal,” he remarked.
He lead Stefan over to the sofa, dragging him by the hand and sitting him down. They managed to make it that far, at least, but even between kisses, they never found the time to turn on the telly.
Four years since Bandersnatch, and Colin and Stefan were inseparable. They programmed together from home, as they no longer saw the point of going into the office when they woke up together anyway. Besides, being at home allowed them to do whatever they wanted.
Stefan could make Colin a tea in the morning, whilst he was already working, and he could kiss him on the head and sit down in his lap, and no one could say anything.
Stefan couldn’t imagine having to sit in the office with Colin without being able to kiss him, or touch him, or hold his hand. He couldn’t imagine talking to Colin without being able to tell him that he loved him.
So, they worked from home, and they never left each other’s side. They would eat together, work together, sleep together, and, of course, watch telly together.
They had completed Space Fleet by then, but watching shows together was one of Stefan and Colin’s favourite things to do. They would smoke weed and snog and play pointless documentaries, all whilst having discussions about everything and nothing, and they loved every second.
Over the years, Colin had vaguely let on to Stefan about parallel timelines, that he had experienced certain events before, like meeting Stefan and watching him complete Bandersnatch. Thankfully, Stefan had believed it all.
Sometimes, they would bring it up. Stefan would have questions about their other lives together. He never remembered them himself, but he was always trying to.
“I wish I could marry you,” Stefan said, one day. He had a joint between his fingers and smoke unfurling from his lips. Colin’s head was lay on Stefan’s lap, his eyes lightly shut. When Stefan spoke they flew open. “What?”
Stefan stuttered, almost dropping the joint. “I-I just meant-“
“You want to marry me?” He asked. He sat up, balancing his weight on his hand, which was tightly gripping Stefan’s thigh. Stefan didn’t feel it, only the numb sensation of dread washing over him. “I…” Colin looked at him pointedly. “Yes.”
Colin smiled, leaned forward and kissed Stefan, square on the mouth. “I can make that happen,” he said. Stefan shook his head in disbelief, heady with the relief that Colin hadn’t reacted badly. “That’s impossible.”
Colin pulled away and arched an impeccable eyebrow. Stefan whispered, “is it…does that happen? People like us…” he didn’t finish as Colin had already started nodding. Stefan asked, cautiously, “have we ever gotten married?”
Colin nodded once and Stefan threw the joint on the table. He knew it would burn the wood, but in the moment, he didn’t care. He hugged Colin, squeezing hard. Colin gasped, at first, then laughed into Stefan’s ear. His arms were trapped under Stefan’s grip, his chest pressed so close that Stefan could feel his heartbeat.
“I get to marry you,” Stefan said, with wonder and Colin pressed a kiss against his cheek. “Do you want me to tell you when?”
“Yes please,” Stefan replied. His grip loosened, ready for Colin to speak. He settled himself into Stefan’s lap, looping an arm around his waist. “It was 2001, and the Netherlands were the first country to legalise gay marriage. So we got the first plane there and got married, just us two.”
Stefan smiled wetly, tears building in his eyes. “That’s only twelve years away,” he said. “More like twelve and half,” Colin corrected him. “We got married on the third of April.”
“You remember the date?” Stefan asked, laughing past the forming tears. “Of course I do,” Colin replied, taking off his glasses to wipe his eyes. Apparently, Stefan’s tears were contagious.
“I only have to wait twelve and half years,” Stefan thought aloud, placing a gentle hand on Colin’s cheek. He was looking at Colin the way he had when they first met, with admiration.
“That’s a long time,” Colin reminded him and Stefan shook his head. “It’s only twelve and half years.”
It had been five years since the release of Bandersnatch, and it was eleven and half years until Colin and Stefan’s wedding. Colin was making dinner for him and Stefan. Over the years, they had started to treat the game’s release day as their anniversary, as they didn’t really have an official one.
They remembered the first time they had kissed, and the first time they had said they loved each other, but they had never established a relationship, it had just happened.
Stefan had gone to the shop for drinks, and Colin planned to surprise him with dinner. The pair of them rarely cooked, mostly ordering takeaway. Not because they couldn’t cook, or at least, not because Stefan couldn’t, but he didn’t enjoy it so Colin didn’t make him do it often.
Colin himself was a terrible cook. He made the job too hard for himself, always attempting complicated recipes, and he always managed to burn everything. Stefan would praise him for trying, but Colin had a short temper and would get frustrated very quickly.
This time, he had picked a vegetarian cassoulet, which was proving difficult as he had already burnt the mushrooms and somehow lost the thyme.
He was just about to throw the mushrooms away when he heard the door unlock and saw Stefan lugging in a pair of plastic bags. “Don’t come in!” Colin yelled, dropping the pan on the counter and rushing to stop Stefan, who had frozen in the doorway.
The expression on his face was pleasantly surprised. “What’s that smell?” He asked, as Colin took his bags. Once they were free, he wrapped his arms around Colin’s shoulders. “Are you making dinner?” He asked.
Colin frowned as Stefan pressed a kiss against his lips. “It’s burnt,” he grumbled, and Stefan kissed him again. “You made dinner,” he said, fondly. Colin bent his head, his forehead meeting Stefan’s shoulder, so he didn’t have to look into his eyes. “I burnt it. I was going to bin it.”
“Don’t bin it!” Stefan exclaimed. “I want to eat it.”
“No you don’t,” Colin assured him, but Stefan ignored him. “I’m going to eat it.”
Colin found that he couldn’t say no, and so, he continued to make Stefan dinner. He was reluctant to eat it himself, but Stefan was happy to, whether he was actually enjoying it or not.
It was only after they’d eaten that he spoke again. “I’m sorry about dinner,” Colin said, as they cleaned the plates. Stefan gave him a playful nudge, with his elbow. “Don’t say that,” he warned. He let go of his plate to grab Colin’s hand. He intertwined their fingers, wet, and slippery, and covered in soap suds, but neither of them minded. “It was a very nice surprise.”
“It was for our anniversary,” Colin explained and Stefan laughed lightly. “We don’t have an anniversary.”
“Of course we do,” Colin replied. “The fourth of April.”
“But it’s December,” Stefan countered, though his cheeks had turned pink, and he had that toothy grin that meant he was truly happy. It was rare they talked about the future, even rarer that they talked about their marriage, but Stefan always loved to think about it, to think about the fact that one day, he would marry Colin, and they wouldn’t have to hide it. That one day, everyone in the world would know the truth.
“Exactly. What happened in December of 1984?” Colin asked. Stefan spun to face him, the look on his face, incredulous. “Colin, that was five years ago!”
“It was your first game,” he protested, letting go of Stefan’s hand to wrap his arms around his waist. “It was also a bestseller. I will always be proud of you for Bandersnatch.”
He leaned down to kiss Stefan’s neck, and he felt Stefan shiver against him. He turned to kiss Colin, looping his arms around his neck. Colin pushed into him, Stefan’s hips digging into the kitchen counter.
He opened his mouth against Colin’s, his hands beginning to card through his hair and he moaned as Colin’s tongue slid over his, his fingers kneading into the muscles of Stefan’s hip.
Suddenly, Stefan placed a hand on Colin’s chest, gently pushing him back. “Wait! I have something for you.”
“Now?” Colin asked, attempting to kiss him again, yet Stefan kept him at a distance. “Yes, now. It’s important.”
Stefan shoved a hand in the pocket of his joggers and kept it there. He looked up at Colin, smiling. “I love you.”
“I love you,” Colin replied. “What’s happening here?” Stefan frowned. “I’m doing a speech, let me do my speech.”
Colin grinned, placing a hand on Stefan’s arm, who took a deep breath. Colin couldn’t help asking himself what could make Stefan act so nervously.
“I know we’re getting married. I know that happens, but I still want to do this properly,” he began. Colin felt his eyebrows furrow. What did ‘doing this properly’ mean?
“I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and every other life. Whatever that means. I don’t know much about anything-“
“Stefan-“ Colin interrupted but Stefan placed a finger against his lips, shushing him. “I don’t know much,” he continued. “But I know that I love you. So, Colin Ritman, will you marry me?”
Colin blinked, the flash of the engagement ring shocking him. Stefan had pulled out a ring box, red and velvet-covered, containing a ring cushion and a shining gold band. Colin placed his hands over Stefan’s, holding the ring between them.
“Stefan,” he choked, tears forming at the back of his throat. “I don’t have a ring for you.”
Stefan laughed. “That doesn’t matter. You haven’t even answered my question yet.” Colin scoffed and took the ring box. “Yes,” he said, finally. “Obviously, yes.”
He leaned forward and kissed Stefan, smiling against his lips, holding the box between them. “You do realise people are going to have questions when I start wearing this?” He asked. Stefan responded between kisses, “what are you going to tell them?”
“That you’re my boyfriend,” Colin responded and Stefan flinched back. “Colin, you can’t say that.” Colin smirked, running a comforting hand through the curls of Stefan’s hair. “You’re right,” he agreed. “I’ll them that you’re my fiancé.”