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Colin walked through Stefan’s bedroom door, tentatively. He had been there before, but only a handful of times. Stefan’s father didn’t seem to be Colin’s biggest fan, despite the fact that his son very much was, so Stefan went over to Colin’s apartment as much as possible, rather than vice versa.
Therefore, the room was still unfamiliar to him. It always felt smaller than the last time, like the walls were forever closing in. But the appearance stayed the same, the posters on the wall, the sheets on the bed. Colin always found that, despite himself, he felt very fondly about Stefan’s room.
It was a perfect display of him, like a physical representation of his mind. It was cluttered, and bright, and uncontrolled. The only place where Stefan was allowed to be free, and completely himself. Except for at Colin’s flat, of course.
Stefan was sat on the bed, his legs hanging awkwardly over the edge. Colin joined him. It was typical of them to sit together at Colin’s apartment. They had started with him on the chair and Stefan on the sofa, but eventually he had migrated to the sofa too, always sitting just by Stefan’s side.
But it felt different at Stefan’s house. Maybe because they were sat on a bed rather than a sofa, maybe because the threat of Peter Butler walking in at any second was looming over them, but the air felt different. Heavy and static, like it was filled with electricity.
Colin shuffled awkwardly closer, his thigh brushing against Stefan’s, the fabric of their jeans the only thing separating their skin. Despite this fabric, Colin could feel heat flooding from Stefan’s body to his at every point of contact, their shoulders, thighs, knees and toes. It made him hungry for more.
“You wanted to see me?” He began, finally looking down at Stefan, who he could only see the back of, as he was sat with his shoulders hunched and his head in his hands. Stefan nodded, sighed deeply and sat up, straightening his back.
“I did,” he responded, his voice raspy, like he hadn’t spoken for months. “I wanted to tell you something.”
Colin felt the surprise evident on his face. Stefan was being incredibly vague, and Colin had none of his own ideas on what Stefan would want to tell him. He was convinced that he knew everything about Stefan. He had thought they had no secrets. Perhaps, he had thought wrong.
“Is it about…” Colin trailed off, struggling how to phrase what he wanted to say, whilst Stefan watched him expectantly. “Did you kill someone?”
Stefan’s eyes went wide, which Colin thought wasn’t warranted as Stefan had told him about his attempt to kill his own father, in the past. “No!” He exclaimed, and Colin raised an eyebrow. “No,” he stressed. “I didn’t kill anybody .”
As unnecessary as he thought worrying about death was, Colin still felt relief at that. He knew that if Stefan had killed Peter Butler, he wouldn’t be truly dead because there would be millions of other timelines where he was still alive, but Colin didn’t want to live through another lifetime of visiting Stefan from behind prison bars.
“It-It’s just…I wanted to tell you that…” Stefan continued to stammer, never landing on what he wanted to say. It unnerved Colin, that Stefan was hesitant to tell him something. He felt shame, that Stefan still didn’t feel completely comfortable in his company.
So, he placed a hand over Stefan’s, which was resting on his own knee. Stefan jolted, clearly surprised. Colin had to admit, though they were often close with each other, they were hardly ever affectionate. In their long friendship, Colin could count the amount of times they had hugged on one hand, and he couldn’t recall a previous time that they had held hands. At least, not in that timeline.
Stefan didn’t move his hand from under Colin’s, so he had seemingly no problem with it. In fact, quite the opposite, as he turned his hand to intertwine his fingers with Colin’s. His skin was cold, Colin noticed. Rough and dry, like blood hardly reached there. It made Colin want to hold Stefan’s hand in both of his, to warm it, to keep him close.
But he didn’t, instead saying, “you can tell me anything. You know that, don’t you?” Stefan nodded. “I do. I just don’t know that you’ll react how I want you to.” Colin’s eyebrows creased in concern. “Stefan-“
“I’m gay,” Stefan interrupted. Colin went silent, in shock and surprise, his lips still hanging open. Stefan’s cheeks turned bright fuchsia. “Sorry. I got the confidence to say it and didn’t know if it would come back.”
Colin continued to stare and Stefan’s eyes darted away. “Are you going to say something?” He asked, under his breath. It took Colin a few more moments to reply.
“Is that all?” He asked, finally.
Stefan’s head snapped back up to face Colin. “What?” He demanded and Colin shrugged. “That’s all you wanted to tell me?” Stefan nodded and Colin grinned back at him. “Stefan, why were you so worried?”
All of a sudden, there were tears falling down Stefan’s cheeks and Colin’s smile fell flat. “Stefan? Did I say something wrong?” He reached forward to wipe away the tears, and to his relief, Stefan let him.
Stefan shook his head, attempting to speak but not being able to past his sobs. Colin felt sharp pain throughout his whole body, as he looked at Stefan. Is this how he made Stefan feel?
“I didn’t know how you would react,” he finally forced out. “I-I was scared. I’ve never told anyone before.” Colin didn’t want to watch Stefan anymore. He never wanted to see Stefan cry again, but he couldn’t leave him alone, like that.
So, instead, he pulled Stefan close, hugging him against his chest. Stefan grabbed onto him, gripping Colin’s shoulders and crying into the fabric of his shirt. Colin didn’t care, as long as he didn’t have to see Stefan’s face as he sobbed.
“Did you think I would hate you for it?” He asked and he felt Stefan’s shoulders move against his palms. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
“I could never hate you, Stefan,” Colin assured him, and Stefan’s grip became tighter, his arms sliding around Colin so they were fully embracing.
“You’re my best friend,” Stefan stated, his voice still muffled by Colin’s shirt. “I don’t care what anyone else thinks. My dad will hate me if he finds out, but I don’t care. I just need you.”
Colin placed a gentle hand on the back of Stefan’s head, his fingers carding through his curly hair. “What people like him think doesn’t matter. There are so many people who will love you for who you are.”
Stefan sat up to meet Colin’s eyes, and shook his head. “They don’t matter. I only need you to love me.”
Colin opened to his mouth to speak, because he didn’t know what to make of that, but Stefan stopped him by pressing his lips hard against Colin’s.
Colin started in surprise, letting Stefan kiss him but not being able to kiss him back. It was like he was frozen, as if every signal his brain sent to his lips to just move got lost along the way.
Eventually, Stefan pulled away, confusion written plainly across his face. “Was that…was that wrong? Did you not want me to do that?”
Colin nodded, fervently. “I did,” he reassured Stefan. Of course he did. He remembered every time he had kissed Stefan before, in almost every timeline, because it was rare he had the self-control not to kiss Stefan. He wanted it more than anything else.
“I just…You took me by surprise. That’s all.” Stefan took that in, nodding his head slowly. “Does that mean I can kiss you again?”
“I’d like it if you did,” Colin confirmed and Stefan smilies shyly, but didn’t make a move forward. “I’d like you to, this time. Just so I know you really want to.”
“I do really want to,” Colin insisted. Stefan’s smile turned into a mischievous grin, as he drifted closer to Colin. When he spoke again, they were mere centimetres apart. “I know,” he said, quietly. “I want you to show me.”
Colin was happy to oblige. He closed the distance between them, kissing Stefan again. This time, his lips moved comfortably, his fingers pulling tightly at Stefan’s curls.
Stefan kissed back enthusiastically, his arms moving from around Colin’s shoulders to his neck. Then, suddenly, he pulled away.
Colin stared at him, with what he could only assume was a dazed expression, as that was exactly how he felt. What could be going on in Stefan’s head that he still had questions?
“You are gay too, aren’t you?” He clarified and Colin almost laughed. “This isn’t just about me, I mean, you like blokes, right?”
“Yes,” Colin replied, exasperatedly. “I like blokes.”
Colin inched forward, his hands sliding up both of Stefan’s thighs. “Especially you.”
Stefan giggled lightly at that, and smiled when Colin’s lips met his.
“I’ve been waiting to hear you say that,” he whispered against Colin’s lips and Colin whispered back, “I’ve been waiting to say it.”
Again, he thought. I’ve been waiting to say it again. Because he had told Stefan how he felt thousands of times before, just not in this lifetime.