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Stefan had known Colin for four years. In that time, Colin had gone from his idol to his best friend. He knew everything about Stefan: all of his biggest dreams and darkest secrets, including everything he had done whilst in ‘the hole’.
Colin didn’t judge him for any of that. He understood Stefan in a way that no one else did, and Stefan felt so lucky to have him. His mother had died too soon to really know him, and his dad didn’t care to try, but Colin did. He cared for Stefan, and listened to him, and made him feel special.
So when Stefan realised that he was gay, he didn’t feel the need to hide it from Colin, no matter how daunting the realisation was. He had come out to Colin as casually as he would have told him any other fact about himself, like his age or favourite movie.
“I’m gay,” he had told Colin, simply, who had nodded in reply. “‘You ever been to a gay bar before?”
“No.”
And that was how Stefan and Colin had ended up in a gay bar in Central London on a random Wednesday evening. Colin had known where it was, saying he had been there before. Stefan had tried to wonder what that meant, but the neon lights and pounding music that hit Stefan as soon as he walked into the bar had made it hard to think.
Colin led them to the bar and sat down on a cushioned stool. By the time Stefan had done the same, Colin had already ordered them drinks.
“What did you get?” Stefan asked him, as the bartender walked away with two glasses. “Two Blood Marys.” Stefan felt his nose scrunch. “Aren’t they spicy?” Colin laughed and wiggled an eyebrow in response. “What’s wrong with that, Stefan? Don’t think you can handle it?”
“I can handle it,” Stefan protested. He was too quick to reply, and he could tell that Colin thought so too. “Sure,” he said, giving a single, slow nod. “We’ll see about that.”
Stefan curled in on himself, forcing his eyes to focus on the bartender rather than Colin. He soon brought the drinks over. They were murky and looked dirty and smelled sour, like pickles.
Colin immediately picked his up and took a large gulp. Stefan watched him, his eyes following his Adam’s apple as he swallowed. Stefan tried to look away, but couldn’t find the ability.
Colin slammed his glass down on the bar and turned to Stefan, expectantly. Stefan looked down at his own drink, which was still full. “Come on, Stefan. It’s my money on the line if you don’t drink it.”
Stefan scoffed in response. “I know for a fact you didn’t need the money you spent on this.” Colin smirked and pushed the drink closer to Stefan. “Drink it,” he ordered.
Stefan felt his cheeks go hot at that. As much as he was now comfortable around Colin, he still admired him in some way. If Colin Ritman told him to do something, he was going to do it. Stefan vaguely wondered to himself if that was healthy.
Regardless, he picked up the glass and took a hesitant sip. It hit his tongue with a sharp stab, as if it was piercing him. He quickly swallowed but that only made it worse, the stabbing sensation carrying on down his throat.
He placed the drink on the bar and coughed into his elbow, feeling his cheeks go red. Colin placed a hand on his back, slowly tapping. It seemed to be more an attempt at comforting him rather than to stop the coughing.
“That’s horrible,” Stefan spluttered. Colin’s hand stopped directly between his shoulder blades. “You’ll get used to it.”
“I will not,” Stefan retorted. “I’m never having that shit again. Get me a coke.”
Colin laughed in surprise. “Alright, princess. A coke is coming up.” Stefan felt slightly guilty as Colin walked off to find the bartender, but he would have done it again just to hear Colin repeat the word ‘princess’.
Colin soon returned, with a coke in his hand. “It’s double vodka,” he told Stefan as he placed it down on the bar. Stefan gasped up at him. “Vodka? Colin, I just wanted a coke!”
“God, you’re so demanding,” Colin groaned, though he was still smirking slightly. Stefan blushed and took a sip of his coke. It was tangy and sharp, due to the vodka, but he looked past it for Colin’s sake.
Colin had already finished his Bloody Mary and moved onto Stefan’s by the time he spoke again. “We should dance,” he said. Stefan almost spat out his drink. “W-What?”
“I want to dance. Come with me.” He slammed down his second empty glass, grabbed Stefan by the wrist and dragged him onto the dance floor. Stefan went stiff, unsure what to do, channelling all of his energy into putting one foot in front of the other.
The music was loud and rang in his head, making his skull feel hollow. Colin’s hair was so blonde that it reflected the colourful lights, turning pink, then purple, then blue.
Stefan couldn’t look away, feeling frozen under Colin’s gaze. His hand was still tight on Stefan’s wrist and it was all Stefan could feel, the rest of his body going completely numb.
“Loosen up, Stefan,” Colin laughed, his hand trailing up Stefan’s arm, who inhaled a sharp breath. “I-I can’t dance.”
“Of course you can!” Colin protested. “Everyone can dance.”
His hands travelled down to Stefan’s hips, grabbing them and swaying them slowly. “Colin-“ Stefan warned but Colin interrupted, “loosen up!”
Stefan finally gave in, letting his arms sway by his sides, trying to follow the beat of the music. He felt stupid, but a grin was spreading across Colin’s face, so he guessed he was doing something right.
Colin started to move with him but Stefan couldn’t tell if they were in time with the music because he couldn’t hear anything expect for Colin’s small giggles.
With each step, Colin came closer, his laughter becoming louder in Stefan’s ears, Colin’s hips soon moving against his.
Stefan looped his arm loosely around Colin’s shoulders, the tips of his fingers brushing the back of Colin’s neck.
Suddenly, Colin began to lean in and Stefan felt every thought go blurry. What was Colin doing? Is this the kind of thing they could here? He asked himself. Would no one really care?
Stefan watched as Colin tilted his head and hovered just in front of Stefan’s ear. “There’s a guy over there looking at you,” he whispered. Stefan felt his heart sink to his shoes. That was what Colin was doing? Setting him up with someone else?
Stefan turned his head slowly. Across the room was a tall guy, leaning against a wall. He had wide shoulders and dark hair and a sleeve of tattoos. “He’s…not my type,” Stefan trailed off, turning back to Colin hurriedly. Did Colin really think that was the type of man he would go for? Or did straight men think all gay guys fancied each other?
“What is your type then?” Colin asked. Oh, Stefan thought. Maybe they didn’t. He didn’t know how to respond to Colin’s question. What was he meant to say? You?
Because Colin was the reason that Stefan knew he was gay. He had never loved anyone else before, never thought about kissing anyone, never wanted to. But with Colin, he wanted that and so much more.
He gazed up at Colin, his mind blank. What the hell was he meant to say without revealing the truth?
Apparently, it was too late to say anything, as a look of realisation dawned on Colin’s face. Stefan felt his own eyes go wide as Colin said, “ oh .”
“No! That’s not-That’s not what I-“ Stefan quickly attempted to backtrack, but was still unable to come up with an excuse. Colin watched him with shock, but growing curiosity.
“I’m your type?” He clarified. Stefan stuttered, “I-I mean…You’re a man.” Colin scoffed. “I know that’s not how it works.” Stefan became quickly defensive at that, taking a quick step back, causing Colin’s hands to fall from Stefan’s waist and down to his side. Colin couldn’t say those things, he just couldn’t . Why was he acting as if he knew what he was talking about, as if he understood ?
“How would you know?” Stefan snapped.
Colin arched an eyebrow at him, and Stefan couldn’t help himself from admiring how perfect Colin’s eyebrows were. Fuck . “Because I know that when it comes to guys, I definitely have a type.” Stefan felt as if the wind was knocked out of him before he even had the chance to process Colin’s words. “What?”
“I mean, I have quite a different type in men compared to women but-“
“What are you talking about?” Stefan demanded. Colin froze in his rambling, his lips still parted as the words became lost in his throat. “What are you talking about?” He asked, eventually.
“Why are you acting like you’re gay?” Colin was looking at him, incredulously. “I’m bisexual,” he stated, as if it was obvious.
Stefan felt like he’d been living under a blindfold. Was he supposed to have known that? “Since when?” Stefan yelled. He was taken aback by his own anger, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t even tell who he was angry at, himself or Colin.
“Since…forever! I don’t know. Why are you surprised?”
Stefan felt stupid, like there was something he wasn’t getting, like he was sat in front of a puzzle with a piece missing. “You never said that you were gay!”
Colin sighed, heavily, making Stefan feel even dumber. “I never said I wasn’t! Why would I have been here before if I wasn’t?”
Stefan hesitated, then, under his breath, he replied, “I don’t know.” Colin groaned, frustratedly and announced, “I’m going to get some air.”
Then, he began to push his way through the crowd of dancers surrounding them, heading away from Stefan, who was a second too late to follow him. “Colin! Wait!”
He ran after Colin, pushing between shoulders and sweating bodies. He felt as if he were in a forest, the trees growing taller and the light becoming thinner and the air getting denser and denser. It seemed as if there was no escape, not until he felt a harsh wind on his face and realised he had walked through an open fire exit.
Colin was leaning against the brick wall of the bar, a cigarette already lit and crackling between his lips. “Colin, I’m sorry,” Stefan started, standing still in the doorway.
Colin didn’t look at him, taking a drag. Smoke plumed from his lips as he said, “what for?” Stefan took a step closer. “For assuming…getting angry…I don’t know. I just know that how I acted is not how I would want someone to act if I came out to them.”
Colin scoffed. “I’m not ‘coming out’ to you,” he said, putting out his cigarette against the wall. “You should have known.”
“How?” Stefan asked, exasperatedly. He admitted, he should never have assumed that Colin wasn’t bisexual. He knew Colin had been with women in the past, but that didn’t eliminate men. After all, if no one assumed anybody’s sexuality, Stefan’s life would be a lot easier. But Colin had never made it obvious.
“Because I’ve been trying to get you to notice how much I love you for four years!”
Stefan felt all the breath leave his lungs. “What?”
Colin marched over, stopping directly in front of Stefan. He spoke and Stefan could smell the smoke and alcohol on his breath. “Are you honestly that oblivious?” He asked earnestly. His eyes were round and sad, desperately looking down at Stefan.
“What-“ Stefan stuttered again, leading Colin to roll his eyes and grab him by the jumper. Stefan stiffened, preparing for Colin’s next move, although he wasn’t sure what he was preparing for. Was Colin going to hit him? Push him? Pull him closer?
His questions were answered as Stefan felt the pressure of Colin’s lips against his. His own lips stayed firmly shut, his eyes squeezed closed. Would it be okay for him to kiss Colin back? Could he do that? Did Colin even want him to kiss him back?
Colin pulled away, still holding Stefan’s jumper between two tight fists. He looked confused, his eyes darting between Stefan’s as if searching for some kind of answer. “Why didn’t you kiss me back?”
Stefan shook his head, incredulously and he could see, in the reflection of Colin’s glasses, that his eyes had gone wide. “I didn’t know you wanted me to.”
“Why would I kiss you if didn’t want you to kiss me ?” Colin asked. He sounded dumbfounded, as if he had somehow gotten lost down Stefan’s train of thought. Stefan looked down at his feet, shamefully. “I don’t know.”
“You need some more self-confidence, Stefan,” Colin said. Stefan laughed to himself. That was easy to say for him, being the Colin Ritman and all. Then, Stefan was taken aback when Colin added, “kiss me. I want you to take the lead this time.”
Stefan looked back up, through his eyelashes. Colin’s eyes were bright and sincere. “Can we do that here?” Colin’s eyebrows furrowed. “We’re at a gay bar.”
“But are we allowed to be that gay?” Stefan clarified, causing Colin to laugh in surprise. “Yes,” he reassured him. “We can be that gay.”
Stefan nodded, flexing his fingers and taking a long breath, before grabbing Colin’s shoulders, pulling him closer, and kissing him again.
Colin’s hands immediately went to Stefan’s waist, his fingers digging tightly into his skin. Stefan hummed against Colin’s lips, one hand slowly travelling to the back of his neck.
Even so close to Colin, so tightly held in his arms, Stefan had never felt so free, because he was in the middle of Central London, kissing a man, and not having to worry that someone might see them.
Sure, he had never kissed anyone before so he had never had to worry about that, but he had thought about it. He had dreaded the day he would kiss a man and have the possibility of being caught, and what that meant. But, in that moment, that didn’t matter.
Nothing mattered because he was with Colin Ritman, his…what was Colin to him now? His best friend who he kissed sometimes? Would they kiss sometimes or would this be a one-time thing? Colin had said he loved Stefan…
Stefan pulled away, taking Colin’s chin in his hand so he wouldn’t move too. “You’re my boyfriend now, right?” He asked. Colin nodded, rapidly. “I’d like to be.”
“Good,” Stefan replied, and met his lips again, not caring who saw them.