Chapter Text
Billy: It was three months after Camila passed when Julia showed me the email.
Every day was… [sighs] it was hell. I hadn’t seriously considered relapsing since the Aurora tour, but losing Camila was terrifying. Someone I spoke to every single day for my entire adult life. Losing her wasn’t a surprise, but still felt sudden. Even after I lowered her into the ground… part of my mind felt like Ok, that was awful. Let me go home and discuss it with Mila to decompress.
I was completely unmoored, and the last thing I tethered myself to before my wife was substance abuse.
Those habits you develop in your early 20s become your instincts. You can break the habit, but breaking the instinct is impossible. So when she passed, it was my instinct to drink.
Daisy: I first heard from Billy around six months after Camila passed.
We scarcely exchanged letters and e-mails over the years. However, I was always hearing from The Dunne Family, and not Billy himself.
Not that I particularly wanted to exchange words with him directly. I still cherished him, but even sober and recovered… speaking to Billy outside of cordial correspondence would have been too much.
Billy: Graham finally coaxed me into going to therapy regularly. I had a psychiatrist already — antidepressants changed my life. Speaking for 50 minutes every week about my feelings seemed, well it just seemed like it wasn’t for me. But Graham pushed and pushed. It gets harder to be stubborn when you’re older. I gave in.
Daisy: I found out Camila passed via a link my son sent me to a TMZ article. I immediately called Karen. She said she didn’t know and that she hadn’t spoken to the Dunnes since Camila got sick.
Karen: I felt awful about it. Especially after what Camila had done for me when I terminated that pregnancy. But I was too stifled by the thought of being in proximity to Graham. I figured he’d be the person that Billy would call to help him take care of Camila.
I also just had no idea how to be there for someone who was sick. I regret it every day. I miss her smile. The worst part is, I know she wouldn’t hold it against me. Because that’s just the way Camila is …or was.
But yeah, when Daisy called, I hadn’t spoken to Camila in several years.
Daisy: I thought about calling Billy for confirmation. It was too soon. He was probably a wreck, and I was definitely the last person he’d want to hear from.
Billy: When Camila first passed, I leaned on Graham and Julia. I spoke to other family as well, but those two, and the therapy Graham forced me into, got me through the thick of it. And they got me through it sober.
Daisy: So I waited for another news source to confirm it. When CNN published an obituary, I wept.
Of all people, Camila. It was so unfair. How could I be alive and Camila be dead?
I had mostly learned to quiet those self-hating voices from my days of using, but during that period just after Camila’s death they crept back. I spent a lot of time thinking about what it would feel like to take some dexies or drink a glass of champagne. In a particularly low moment, I called Warren to see if he knew anyone who was selling coke.
He sighed and said, “Daisy. I haven’t thought about dope in years. Take a walk.”
So I started taking more walks.
Six months after she passed, I got home from one of my daily strolls, and decided to check my email before going to a yoga class.
I nearly choked when I saw his name in my inbox.
Billy: One night in March of 2013, Julia took me out to dinner at our favorite burger spot by the beach. She had a look on her face.
Listen… when you raise someone, you get them on a deep level. Even though I wasn’t around much for Julia’s early childhood, I knew that look. She was about to tell me something.
Daisy: I sat at my desk slack-jawed with tears in my eyes. Billy was asking me to write a song with him.
Camila asked Billy to write a song with me.
I called Simone.
Billy: When the waitress set down our waters, that’s when Julia launched into her speech. She had definitely rehearsed it.
She said, “Mom wrote the three of us girls an email just before she died. She said to wait to tell you, but I think now is as good as time as any. Here, read it yourself.”
She slid me a piece of paper. I read it. Then I read it again. Then I read it a third time.
“Julia, this isn’t funny,” I said.
She was in the middle of a defensive comeback when the waitress came back to ask for our order.
Daisy: Simone wasn’t answering. I was going to be late to my yoga class. I didn’t have time to think about it then.
Billy: After the shock wore off, I still didn’t like the idea. I knew Daisy was sober, but she was still trouble. I didn’t need trouble. I needed my family.
“Look, Julia. This isn’t a good idea. I appreciate your mom’s sentiment but… reaching out to Daisy Jones… No. I love your mother. I can write her a song all on my own,” I stated.
Graham: Of course I thought he should reach out to Daisy. Even the damn love of his life thought he should reach out to Daisy. He was doing that Billy thing where he tries to be noble.
I love him, but come on. It shouldn’t have taken him three months to come to that conclusion. Julia and I got tired of trying to convince him.
So we let him decide for himself. He was always eventually going to email Daisy.
Billy: I spent weeks trying to honor Camila with a song.
There was one day where I sat at the piano for five hours just staring at the keys.
Songwriting is hard with no muse in front of you. She was gone. I couldn’t parse through the feelings and make them mean something. Not by myself.
I thought Fuck. Of course Camila is right. She’s always right
So I moved from my piano bench to my desk and began writing.
I began writing an email to Daisy.