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Taylor had practically heaved a sob when they were finally informed that they could go and see her twin. The water bottle had slipped from her grasp as she halted her pacing, a hand covering her mouth to muffle the relieved sounds of despair. Her mother’s shoulders dropped from where she stood, slightly behind Taylor, and she herself let out a heavy breath. God knows how long she had been holding it in for.
Although, as soon as Taylor turned to fully face her, she was met only with a sad smile. The sickeningly yellow lights of the hospital did nothing to hide her twisted features, the way her mother’s fists balled slightly and the far off expression that disconnected the woman from the room. Taylor had seen this anguish before. It was faint, blurred by the hands of time but it remained present nonetheless.
“Go and see him darling.”
“But mom-“
“I’ll be back sweetheart. I should really go grab a few things to make his stay here more comfortable. Who knows when he will be allowed to come home.” The words came out in a wavering rasp, like talking was physically painful. It contradicted her statement in a way that Taylor knew there was a lot more to it than simple motherly concern for her son’s comfort levels. They both did. But addressing it now would add an unbearable weight to their already cracking shoulders. The heaviness would only cause them to bend and buckle, breaking under the invisible boulders, until there was very little left of their already fleeting strength.
The strength that Tyler needed. And as far as Taylor was concerned, there wasn’t a singular phenomenon in this world that mattered more than him right now. So what was unspoken would remain that way. At this moment at least.
Her mother brought a shaky hand up to Taylor’s face and her thumb brushed over the tear marks that resided against her daughter’s cheek. The real reason their mom was leaving was evident. Evident and torturous. But Taylor knew she would be back, so there was no point in ruminating on it. Her mother needed a moment to process everything before being faced with a hospital bed again. Who was she to deny her of that?
Not when Tyler’s well being hung in the balance. This was the best thing for him.
“I love you both. So much.” Her mom’s movements faltered, guilt seeping its way onto her tired expression.
“We love you too mom. It’s okay.” Taylor couldn’t help but wince at the way her voice came out. Haggard and reminiscent of the woman in front of her..
Subsequently, her mom let a few tears fall, a dreaded tight lipped smile forming helplessly before she spun on her heel, grabbing her purse and exiting out of the automatic doors.
“We’re here for you Taylor!” Logan called, Ben placing a hand on the smaller boy’s shoulder as he curtly nodded.
“It’s gonna be okay.” The ever present smile of Aidan’s faltered as he added his piece. The three boys standing painfully awkwardly. Itching to go check on their friend. Their family. Taylor hadn’t missed the way everyone had paled as the panic - stricken shriek echoed through the halls.
They were worried too. Even if you couldn’t tell at first glance.
But Taylor couldn’t lend them too much mind as her senses overtook everything, the world forgotten to her as she practically bolted past the others. They weren’t allowed in yet, just immediate family. That was okay right? That didn’t mean anything bad? Maybe the doctors were just extra cautious after what happened earlier, her twin scattering away from them in distress.
Surely that was it.
Tyler was still groggy as she entered the room. His gaze even more far off than their mother’s had been and his lips slightly parted. He looked horrified; it was as though he were completely lost as he lay there, slightly propped up by the angle of the bed, trapped in a silent stare that Taylor couldn’t comprehend. Dark, wide eyes bore into the wall across from him, it sent shivers down her spine because it felt so incredibly wrong. Had he even seen her entering the room? Did the doctors do this to him? Inject him with some sort of relaxant? Or was it something else. Something far more sinister and plagued with cruelty. Taylor didn’t know and she couldn’t think about that right now.
The only indication that Tyler wasn’t completely paralysed was the way his chest heaved in a violent display of what looked like fear and terror. A hand was brought up to clasp at his stomach, the hospital gown crinkling beneath his fingers.
Taylor wanted to throw up.
“Ty…?” She felt frozen by the door, her legs unwilling to move because her twin, the person who she loved as though he were a better part of herself, looked so miserable. And not his usual look of disdain and anger. It was true suffering, like the world had finally burnt away at whatever hope and happiness he still had in him. It was a pain that Taylor didn’t think she had ever felt before. Excruciating, nauseating and horror filled in its entirety.
Oh god, he didn’t deserve this. No one would ever deserve this, but why him? Her brother could be a dick at times but he was the most caring person she had ever met. Despite everything, his often explosive attitude and lingering spite, it had only come from a place of true, attentiveness. He just didn’t know how to express those feelings in a way that was deemed acceptable. When you truly knew Tyler, you knew the emotions he felt. And how lost he was with them.
Taylor often questioned if he ever even cared about himself. Everything he did, he did for mom and herself and no one saw it. No one understood. Tyler was always tackling something bigger than himself.
“Taylor?”
Any other spiralling thoughts that threatened to overwhelm her were stopped by the voice.
“Taylor, what’s happening?” His voice broke, it was small and almost came out in whispers. The desperation in its tone caused Taylor’s feet to start moving before she could even comprehend what he said.
The door slammed with a reverberating thud behind her.
“Hey..it’s okay. I am here now.” Taylor was surprised that the words even left her throat as she made her way over to the bed, grabbing her twin’s cold, shaking hands and holding them for she just had to feel him. A reminder that he was here. This was the first time she got to grasp him since what had happened. Since the single worst experience she had ever been through.
It was sure to drive her insane the moment she reflected on it properly. Refining every frame in her mind until it spun a cruel web of skin crawling facts.
The click of the door.
Wide brown eyes.
Outstretched hands.
Screeching tires.
Screaming voices.
“ Tyler!!!”
A small gasp escaped her as she was thrown out of the memory, her brother all but clinging to her palm.
“God, Ty you’re freezing.” The boy was shaking as his eyes slowly trailed upwards to his sister. They looked so sad. An almost perfect mirror image of her own but just so haunted. So open and afraid.
She remembered the way those eyes had looked when he plummeted out of the car. Taylor didn’t think she could ever forget.
“Tyler!!!”
“Tay!? Are you hurt?”
“What?” She hadn’t been expecting that question when her brother was the one lying in a hospital bed.
“I- I thought…” The clutch on his clothing tightened.
“I’m sorry..Tay..” And that took her off guard because Tyler really wasn’t the apologising type, only to her. But even so this felt so raw, so sorrowful. It was a vulnerability that she wasn’t used to.
Letting out a huff, Taylor manoeuvred herself onto the bed, feeling grateful that Tyler had taken the initiative to scootch over with a wince.
“Now what do you have to be sorry for?” Hands still wrapped around each other, Taylor sat upwards on the hospital bed. Her twin’s trembling form looked too small next to her. He seemed so in on himself, as if he were trying to shield his body from an unforgiving world. It caused tears to begin falling from her eyes at the very moment she saw him.
“hmm?” Taylor hummed, hoping it would prompt the boy to elaborate.
Tyler only shook his head, free hand still clinging to his abdomen.
“You can tell me Ty. I’m not leaving you.”
With that, the boy dropped his head onto Taylor’s shoulder and she took the gesture as an invitation to loop her arm around him. Running a soothing hand through his hair.
“I promised. I promised I would take care of you.”
“You have taken care of us Tyler. That’s all you’ve ever done. You couldn’t have known what was going to happen, let us look after you now.” She didn’t miss the way her twin’s shoulders shook. Face scrunching as he finally let salty tears fall onto her shoulder.
“I didn’t want you to think I left you. Not like dad did.” `Tyler only sunk further and further into her embrace, like he was trying to desperately fade away in embarrassment. He had always hated crying.
“It wasn’t your fault. Tyler, It wasn’t your fault.”
This was truly uncharted territory as Taylor was so used to seeing her brother stoic, stern faced, no matter how terrified he had been. He would get angry, of course, but he never crumbled. He always stood whole, acting as a rock for Taylor. She hadn’t realised how guilty it made her feel until she saw him like this. Saw what it was like when he let that mask slip, crumbling from rock into shards of fragile glass.
And she could really see him. for what felt like the first time in years.
She saw Tyler .
The little boy who loved to play baseball with their dad, all chubby cheeks and gapped teeth. Sticking his tongue out in concentration as he trained his eyes on the ball. A warm, honey glazed autumn, accompanied by the cheerful joy of an unscathed family. A son, giggling on his father’s shoulders.
The boy that would cry when he fell and scraped his knee, wiping his eyes and letting out frustrated little huffs as Taylor placed bandaids to the broken skin. she would tease him for the innocent stumble, but always treat his wound with all the gentleness that she could muster. Proud to be able to patch up her brother.
She saw the kid who never wanted to sleep in separate rooms because he was secretly afraid to be alone. No matter how much he denied it and swore that it was for her own protection. She always saw through the facade, but still played along so he wouldn’t feel embarrassed about it, the small smile that would be thrown in her direction would make it all worth it anyway.
She saw her brother, and she knew he had always been there. No matter how much he had shut down, denying himself everything that was human in order to look after mom and herself. He was here, sniffling, clutching to her sweater in fear and Taylor hadn’t expected that today would be the day that she held that little kid in her arms as he wailed and clawed at his stomach.
“I am so sorry Taylor, I didn’t want to leave you. I couldn’t leave you.”
“Shhh shh it’s okay… it’s okay.” Her voice broke and cracked against the pressure.
“It hurts…it hurts so much.”
“I am here. It’s okay.”
Then she spotted it. The red underneath his fingernails. They left bloody crescent stains against her sweater as Tyler readjusted his position, moving his head to sit beneath his sister’s chin, before jolting his hand back down towards his middle. The blood must’ve been from where he had split the skin on his stomach. His hand was tangled in a mess of fabric as he bundled up the gown to drag his fingertips across the angry, red flesh.
“Tyler!” She yanked his hand away from himself, the hospital blankets flinging from his vibrating form. Taylor pulled up the gown, her eyes filling with tears as she gasped at the bloodied stains marring her brother's loose-fitting shorts, which hung from his crimson stained waist.
“Shit..I- I need to call the doctor”
“No, no Tay please don’t!”
“Tyler, you’re hurting yourself!
Taylor felt sick, she had no idea what to do. She needed to help him but her brother was pleading in a way that she’d never seen before. Pure terror.
“No please they don’t understand, they’ll think I’m crazy!”
“They’re going to see anyway, Tyler! You’re bleeding!” This is when her brother truly shattered.
“Taylor please, it burns and they can’t help me. It feels like I’m being torn apart. W-when I fell…I-” and whatever was left to be said was disturbed by a muffled choke. Tyler burying his head into his sister’s sweater, causing her to hesitantly bring both hands up to pull him closer. The entire world felt like it was collapsing because her mind couldn’t even contain her worry. Her mouth was gaping open and it felt like things were happening far too fast for her brain to keep up.
“I need it out, Taylor! I need it out!” Quaking hands held Tyler’s in place as she tried to prevent him from causing anymore damage to himself. It was a tough fight to put up but she couldn’t let him mutilate himself any further.
“Shh, shh it’s okay.” She wasn’t sure how comforting that sounded, her voice was a mess of continuous sobs and far from reassuring.
“Please Tyler, you need to stop!”
“I just want it out..” Taylor let the boy fall slightly limp in her tight embrace. He repeated the phrase over and over again and she felt a part of herself whither at his reiteration of the same harrowing words. His tone grew more and more exhausted and any fight he had in him slowly gave way to his sadness.
What did he mean? What had happened after he vanished from her eyesight!?
“Tay… I- it was awful. I don’t know if I can…” Tyler trailed off as he gagged a sob. Both twins were showered in tears at this point and Taylor wasn’t completely sure how they could even continue to fall.
“I just need it out..” Tyler’s hand twitched and it looked like he wanted to reach down to his stomach again but Taylor kept him firmly in place. There wasn’t a lot he could do in his worn out state.
She knew that this would be a truly condemning sight once the doctors returned. Two siblings caked in splotches of drying blood and bundled in a ball of woeful cries. It wasn’t explainable. But they needed it. Taylor wasn’t certain she would ever see her brother again a few hours ago. Let alone be able to cradle him in her arms. And it had felt like a lifetime since then.
“You don’t have to talk about it right now. Not unless you want to. When you’re ready, okay?”
Tyler’s nod was so small that any other person would’ve certainly missed it. But Taylor knew her brother. Her other half. That may have been a cliché for twins but she truly meant it. They were both their own separate people, their own identities, but it felt as though they carried something that the other completed. Flames, they carried flames and they helped the other blaze stronger.
And when one flickered and threatened to slip away in flowing wisps of smoke, the other offered a spark. A burst of light to keep the fire crackling. No matter what it took away from you. That’s what Tyler had done all those years back, what he had been doing for as long as she could remember.
“I'm tired Tay, I am so tired.” His voice was barely above a whisper and it made Taylor’s stomach twist. She knew he wasn’t just talking about the more..recent trauma. The way his tone was raised in lament suggested that this was a final straw. The catalyst to everything he had been through.
Tyler had to be in so much pain.
“I know…I know.” Her hand rubbed gentle circles onto his back and she paused for a moment. Wiping her tears as she reassessed everything.
The world had taken her brother from her before. It snatched his childhood away from Tyler right in front of her eyes and as much as it agonised her, it was the only reason that she could still have fragments of hers. The only thing that got them through their mother’s depression.
So now there was a mission.
The fire they shared ignited, a furnace of determination blazing through the sorrow. Tyler was the reason that the searing hot fires hadn’t burnt out all that time ago. So now she was going to use it.
She was going to look after him. Whatever way she could, and no one was ever going to get in her way. The bitter darkness of life wouldn’t take him again. Not like this.
“Tyler.” She twisted slightly, facing her brother’s red rimmed eyes and contorted expression. She brought a hand up to cup his face, something their mother would do when she was at a loss for words and had to express her affection through soft, grounding touches.
“No matter what happens, I am here with you. Even in that place. Wherever you are, no matter how much it hurts. I promise, I am here and I’ll protect you.”
Her eyes narrowed and the tears felt hot against her cheek.
“Whatever it takes.”
Her twin could only let out a puff of air as his eyes squeezed shut, the excruciation painted against his features.
“I love you Tay.” he sniffled.
Whatever it takes.
“I love you too, Ty.”