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Immediately after waking up, Geralt had felt the familiar tingling under his skin. It felt as if his body was too big and ponderous. As if his mind was stuck in a huge machine, controlling it like a robot, but the hulk of a body didn't obey him properly and didn't fit, like a shoe that was too big.
During breakfast with Jaskier, he had himself under control and behaved as expected: he spoke just a little, mumbled approval when it was demanded, drank his coffee while Jaskier complained about the sound engineer in his music studio he had to deal with again today.
"Darling, are you all right? You seem absent. Well, more absent than usual," the younger man remarked, one hand outstretched towards Geralt and his brow furrowed in concern.
As if he'd been burned, Geralt jerked his hand back and tucked it in his lap.
"It's all right. Don't you have to go?" he asked more harshly than he meant to. With one hand he tugged at the fingers of the other and stared at the wall behind Jaskier.
Now Jaskier turned to face him fully, set down his bag, which he had just slung over his shoulder to go, and sought eye contact with his boyfriend. He avoided touching Geralt again, for sometimes the older man just couldn't bear it, not even from his partner.
"Valdo can wait. Geralt, what's wrong?"
Geralt just continued to stare at the wall, his expression closed up even more, if possible.
"You don't have to say anything. It's enough if you nod or shake your head, huh?" Jaskier tried again. His voice was soothing and gentle, as if he didn't want to scare Geralt away.
Unfortunately, it led to the opposite of what the younger man wanted to achieve. Abruptly Geralt jumped up, the chair scraping uncomfortably across the floor.
"Stop babying me. I am not a sensitive weak little doll."
"That's not what I..." Jaskier began in wonder, surprised by the disgust in Geralt's voice. For one thing, he didn't think Geralt was weak, and for another, he didn't understand why sensitivity would be a bad thing.
"Then don't treat me like this," Geralt shouted. Angry and hurt, he now looked Jaskier straight in the eye, who couldn't figure out the situation.
"Can't we sit down and..."
"No, I have to work. Got another report from Eskel on the table. I'll see you tonight," Geralt cut Jaskier off, took his coffee and stormed out of the kitchen.
"Geralt, wait!"
But the other stomped off, slamming the door of his study behind him. Case closed for now.
Jaskier considered whether or not to go after him, but then decided against it. In this mood, Geralt clearly did not want to talk to him. Tonight things might be different and Jaskier could get to the bottom of Geralt's unease.
He looked at his watch and sighed. He would have to leave for the studio, willy-nilly, and work on his new album. Without further ado, he wrote a note to his boyfriend, pinned it to the fridge, because that was where Geralt would most certainly be drawn to during the day. Then the musician took his bag and keys and scurried out of the house.
~~~
With his ears pricked up, Geralt sat in the study and listened to what his partner would do. It was quiet for a few minutes, then there were some movement and finally the front door was opened and closed. Then silence settled on the house.
From an objective point of view, it was clear to Geralt that Jaskier only cared about him, but that didn't change the fact that he sometimes annoyed him with his sentimental fuss. As if Geralt was somehow needy and needed someone to treat him like a child. He was capable of taking care of himself on his own! Thank you very much. And he could deal with his problem all by himself. Sometimes you felt small and weak, but that would pass. He didn't need his boyfriend of all people to come and wet-nurse him.
Besides, Jask couldn't help him with his... matter. With the way how Geralt really felt sometimes. That he wanted to withdraw from the world and not care about stupid grownups stuff. Sometimes just everything in his life was so fucking... oh, you weren't supposed to use words like that... so stupidly big.
One moment Geralt was listening to the noises in the house, the next he had opened the bottom drawer of his desk and pulled out Mr Woolfie from the very back. There he always hid in his cave until Geralt needed him. He hibernated, because Mr Woolfie was a bear. And bears hibernated. Geralt had learned that from his mummy. Back when she still wanted to take care of him.
At the memory of Yenn, Geralt chuckled. She had gently scolded him that she had not given him a wolf, but a bear and that Mr Woolfie was more of a Mr Bear. But Geralt had not wanted to know anything about that. He had pressed the stuffed animal against him and cuddled it tightly. Indulgently, Yenn had brushed a strand of hair from his face and complied with Geralt's decision.
Halfway, Geralt's brain still held on to his larger self, but he was quickly taken over by his much smaller self. Mr Woolfie pressed to his chest and a thumb in his mouth, Geralt made his way to the bedroom. There lay the cosiest of blankets and pillows. On the bed of the big Geralt and his boyfriend. Geralt had to chuckle again. Boyfriend. That sounded funny.
He didn't have many friends himself. Actually only Mr Woolfie and in former times his mummy. But she wasn't around anymore. It would be so nice if Jask could be his friend too, but....
Fear came over him at the thought of Jaskier knowing about this secret side of him. He wouldn't want him. Quite often people had not wanted him when they knew about his little side. That was why the big Geralt kept it a secret from everyone. Anyone who saw the big strong independent man would reject the other part of his self with disgust. Deep down, Geralt was sure of it.
So he suppressed the other part and didn't allow himself to show it, unless there was no other way because the little part was violently breaking through. Like today.
Snuggled deep in a blanket, hugging Mr Woolfie tightly, he told the stuffed animal a story of a warrior who roamed the land singing and meeting little boys and girls whom he helped in their adventures and battles against dragons and other fiends.
Geralt was deeply absorbed in his story, so he didn't hear someone unlock the front door and footsteps approaching in the corridor until it was too late.
~~~
"And then Sir Julian sang a song, um, it went like this..."
Singing led Jaskier closer to his destination. From their bedroom came Geralt's voice - off-key and with made-up lyrics, but with a little good will Jaskier could recognise the melody of one of his more famous songs. Geralt's voice, however, sounded different than usual. His boyfriend was most definitely not a trained singer, but when he got carried away singing after one too many eggnogs at Christmas, his voice sounded... fuller and deeper than what could be heard from the bedroom. Strange.
He had been halfway to the studio when he had turned back to try to talk to Geralt again. Something had been stranger than usual. Yes, his boyfriend often needed time for himself and regularly kept his distance because sometimes everything became too much for him - too many people, emotions or noises. But this morning's brusque rebuff looked similar to the Geralt of two years ago, when they were at the beginning of their relationship. Things had changed since then, both men had become more open with their deeper feelings and even talked about them.
Without further ado, Jaskier had decided to clear up the situation rather than brood until tonight and perhaps only make things worse.
Cautiously, Jaskier approached the bedroom door. Now the song was interrupted by a story. Who was Geralt talking to? No one else was supposed to be here. Had Eskel dropped in?
"The little boy, um, Jerry, yes, Mr Woolfie, that's the boy's name. No. So. That's my story. Yeah, so..."
Quietly, Jaskier knocked. The voice broke off and ominous silence descended on the scene.
"Geralt? Who are you talking to, dear?"
As the silence stretched and nothing happened, Jaskier opened the door and peered into the darkened bedroom. There were blankets and pillows on the bed around a covered body. It almost looked like a castle. Underneath was clearly Geralt, curled up, motionless, frozen.
"Geralt? Are you all right?"
No response from the bed.
"I'm coming in now, dear. I'm coming round the bed to you."
Careful not to make too much noise, Jaskier walked across the room, around the bed. When Geralt's face came into his field of vision, he stopped. Fear-filled large glittering eyes stared at him in the semi-darkness. It looked as if Geralt was about to burst into tears. He had a cuddly toy pressed against him that Jaskier had never seen before. Ah. Had he spoken to it?
Jaskier frowned.
"Geralt, dear, what-" The younger man had taken a step towards the bed and Geralt's numbness dissolved in one fell swoop. He slid back on the bed, panic in his eyes. He shook his head as if to dislodge a pesky little animal buzzing around his head, his eyes narrowed. When he opened them again, tears ran down his cheeks. If possible, he held the stuffed animal - a small much-cuddled bear, Jaskier now saw - even closer to him.
And suddenly Jaskier realised what Geralt looked like. Like a scared little boy who was expecting punishment. Jaskier had seen this sight in the mirror too many times as a child not to recognise it immediately.
His partner huddled under a blanket in bed, trying to make himself smaller. Though, of course, he was still in the body of an athletic, muscular man over six feet tall, it was the look of a boy that Jaskier saw in Geralt's light brown eyes.
The musician slowly squatted down in front of the bed to be at eye level with Geralt. He stretched his hands out in front of him, palms showing openly to appear as non-threatening as possible.
"Hey Geralt. You can relax. I'm Jaskier and I'd like to help you if you'll let me," Jaskier said calmly, an open smile on his lips.
The friendly tone seemed to surprise Geralt. For the moment, he forgot to slide further away on the bed and cry. He rubbed his face with one hand.
"I know who you are. It's not like I'm stupid," he muttered sullenly, hiccupping between each word.
Jaskier grinned. Big or little, grumpy was an expression Geralt seemed to have mastered in every form.
"I didn't mean to imply you were stupid. I just didn't know if you'd recognise me."
"You're Jask. You make beautiful music," Geralt explained slowly. His breathing calmed, the tears dried up fully. With one hand he wiped the snot from his nose and spread it nicely on his sleeve. He stroked his cuddly toy rhythmically.
"Oh? You like my music? I'm glad you do. I could sing to you," Jaskier suggested. "Would you like that?"
Geralt considered, then nodded vigorously.
"Wonderful. May I sit next to you? The floor is a little hard for my old bones after all."
The little Geralt chuckled, then slid back another inch on the mattress. Shyly, he nodded and held his cuddly toy in front of his face as if to hide behind it.
"Thank you very much, Geralt." Looking as relaxed as possible, Jaskier climbed onto the mattress, his shoes pulled off and dropped beside the bed, then made himself comfortable at the headboard. Beside and behind him he stuffed a pillow. He was careful not to touch Geralt, but he wasn't far from him either.
Then Jaskier thought for a moment and began to sing a emotional love song that he had composed and sung to Geralt for their first anniversary. As far as Jaskier could tell, his partner had liked it, even if he did not show his approval, gratitude or emotion so openly. It was different with this Geralt, who was lying in bed next to Jaskier. He hummed along softly, a smile on his lips. He didn't seem to mind showing his emotions.
The first song was followed by another of his own compositions. Little by little, Geralt relaxed. He no longer held his cuddly toy quite so tightly or curled up into as small a ball as possible. In fact, he dozed off and slid closer to Jaskier. By the time the younger man had reached the fourth song - a lullaby he himself knew from his childhood - the little one had fallen asleep. One hand carefully held Jaskier's trousers by the thigh, the other continued to hug the teddy bear.
Jaskier took out his phone and texted Valdo that he wouldn't be in the studio until noon, if he came at all today. Then he turned off the sound and put it in his lap.
He looked down at Geralt, who looked peaceful. His mouth was slightly open and he breathed in and out gently, the warm air brushing Jaskier's leg. It was too tempting to run his fingers through Geralt's long white hair, but Jaskier pulled himself together. Who knew how he would react.
So he just sat beside him and watched him for a while. He also tried to make sense of what was going on with his beloved normally stoic and aloof boyfriend, and whether he had simply overlooked a crucial part of his personality. It couldn't be that Geralt was the only person who was going through whatever-exactly. Jaskier took his phone from his lap and worked his way through the internet looking for answers.
~~~
When Geralt regained consciousness, he immediately realised he was his big self again. The pressure on his mind to withdraw was gone. Mr Woolfie was beside him and behind him - Jaskier!
Oh no! Everything came back to Geralt all at once. It was blurred, as if behind frosted glass, but he was pretty sure that Jaskier had seen his little side. They had even spoken to each other. Oh, that was not good. That was terrible! His boyfriend would leave him. Who wouldn't leave a partner who had hidden an essential part of his personality for so long? A part that was strange and anything but normal for many.
A soft snore came from Jaskier, who rolled over in his sleep and was now lying with his face towards Geralt. The latter's fingers tightened around Mr Woolfie. The bear looked up at him expressionlessly.
On the other hand, Jaskier was still here. He could have made a run for it after coming into the bedroom and seeing Geralt's condition. But he hadn't. He was lying here in bed, so relaxed that he too had fallen asleep. A tender feeling of hope sprouted in Geralt. Maybe, just maybe Jaskier didn't find his little side so bad.
Before his fear overcame him again, Geralt shook Jaskier's shoulder once, then pulled away again, hugging Mr Woolfie tightly for reassurance.
"Mhn? What?" Jaskier slowly came to, blinking and looking around in wonder until his gaze lingered on Geralt and his bear. "Oh, ah yes. Hello there," he finally greeted the white-haired man. He slid a hand flat under his cheek and looked at Geralt with a smile. "You're big again," he noted.
At first Geralt thought he had misheard. His eyes grew wide and his heart began to beat excitedly.
"You know about littles? You've heard of them?" Geralt asked. His voice almost broke.
"Not directly, no. I read up for several hours this morning and now I have a rough idea." Jaskier paused, choosing his next words carefully. "I'm sorry you felt you had to hide that side of yourself from me." When Geralt started to object, Jaskier raised a hand, whereupon the other man actually fell silent and listened. "I don't mean that I pity you for what you are or feel. I don't feel sorry for you, I feel sad for the fact that you had to hide it. I understand you, dear. It's not a little thing, pun fully intended."
Geralt smiled faintly. This was his Jaskier. He took the situation and him seriously, but still managed to add a light touch to the moment that relieved some of the tension.
"The mystery grew until I didn't even know how to tell you," Geralt murmured. He tugged at Mr Woolfie, avoiding looking directly at Jaskier. "I thought you might loathe me. Or leave me."
"Oh, Geralt. Dear, there's nothing loathsome about you."
"But you certainly didn't want to be with a man who had to be coddled like a baby. And most people find..."
"Most people are idiots and I don't give a shit what they have to say," Jaskier interrupted his partner firmly. "Darling," Jaskier reached out but paused, "May I touch you?" After a silent nod from Geralt, he stroked his cheek, through his hair and finally wrapped his long fingers around the back of his neck. Geralt sighed at the tender touches, closed his eyes and enjoyed the caress.
"I would feel honoured if I were allowed to coddle a person like you. I see nothing wrong with that. And if you will let me, my beloved Geralt, I will be happy to learn every side of you."
Geralt thought for a long time, his partner's fingers soothingly cradling the back of his neck, listening to the tune Jaskier had begun humming.
"There is much I need to show you. And we have a lot to talk about." At the last words Geralt's face contorted involuntarily; Jaskier snorted in amusement.
"We will, my darling man. Promise," Jaskier whispered.
"But not now." Geralt sounded defensive and Jaskier knew that enough words had been exchanged for the moment that Geralt needed a break from it for now.
"Not now," Jaskier confirmed. He ran his fingers over Geralt's shoulder and bicep. "You're welcome to come closer if you like," he invited him gently.
Both men slid back and forth on the bed, wrapping blankets around themselves and pushing pillows into place. Finally Geralt was in Jaskier's arms, facing each other. Jaskier kissed Geralt's mop of hair and Geralt moved Mr Woolfie between them so that he was stuck at the level of their hearts, surrounded by a cocoon of love and security.