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It was a dare. Don't judge me. Everyone wanted me to do it and I just couldn't let them down. I didn't want to hurt him, but hopefully he would just brush it off right?
I started up Skype, and entered in my user information. "You can do this," I whispered to myself, "It's all for them."
Dan and I had both gone to visit our respective families during the Christmas period. We had trouble being apart for a long time though so we Skyped just like in the old days. It was crazy how similar things were.
Me in my old room, posters covering nearly every flat surface, and him in his old room with his book-stack tripod. I could still see him nervous, fidgeting with his long fringe the first time we talked.
I saw he was online and I clicked the video call button. "Oh god I can't do this. Can I? Too late now" I muttered.
"Phiiiilllll. It's been forever! Literally almost 17 hours. Promise we'll never go that long without seeing each other again?" He made me smile all the time. It was hard to resist now. How the hell was I going to go through with this?
"Daaaaannn. Um... I wanted to discuss something really important with you," I left the end of the sentence undecided. Even though he wasn’t physically here with me, I could feel the tension hanging in the air.
"...Okay? What is it?" He got a worried look. Anything he did was going to make this harder to go through with. God, his hair, and his smile, and his lips. He made me wild.
"I want to move out." I blurted, regretting the phrasing the second it tumbled out.
"You want to move out? But--why? What happened?" Fuck me and my awful word choice.
"I want to move in with Chris. We have arrangements. All I need to do is find a flat." I lied. Chris would probably be okay with me using him for my evil prank video. Maybe.
"Was it something I did? If it was, I swear to God i'll fix it. Just--Just please don't move out Phil. Jesus Christ, I sound pathetic right now. You're my whole life, Phil. What will I do without you?" He looked on the verge of tears and it hurt me to think that I was the cause.
"Well... It's really just that I need some time to reconsider everything that I’m doing. I can't do that with you around. I'm sorry Dan, I just need space." It hurt me saying that. I think he was actually crying now. Fuck. I saw a tear roll down his cheek and wanted nothing more than to be there to wipe it away.
"And Chris is going to accept that? Chris is going to stay out of your life? Is it just that i'm too needy? Or clingy? If I ever let you down, I’m sorry, Phil." I don't think I had ever seen him in a hard situation without a sassy or snarky reply.
"I'm sorry Dan. I've made my decision. There's nothing you can do to change it." I couldn't look at his face as I said it, so instead I looked down at my coloured socks.
"Fine. Do you think--do you think we could still be friends even after this?" He was most definitely crying now and ouch, oh god, my heart.
"Of course. I don't think that I could spend a day without you. I love you so much. I hope that, maybe we can be more than friends one day." Oops.
I wasn’t supposed to say that. My eyes were nearly bulging out of my head and what I could see of Dan's facial expression wasn’t telling me anything.
"You... love me? More than friends? Phil?" His eyes were wide. I can’t believe i just said that. Or maybe I could. Jesus fuck is there a lie i could think of to negate the statement I just made? Or I could be honest.
Truth be told, I had been in love with him since about a month or so after we had started talking to each other.
He was the most gorgeous boy I had ever seen. He had a wonderful sense of humor that I understood and loved, he was nice to almost anyone even when he didn’t feel like it, and best of all he didn’t think I was a total freak. Or he did, but he loved me anyways. He was my dream boy then. He is my dream boy now.
"Um...Kind of...Yeah." I rubbed my neck and looked down.
"I love you too. I hope we can be more than friends--really soon." it was barely above a whisper, but I heard it. My head whipped up, and I saw him smiling ecstatically.
"You do?" My brow furrowed in confusion.
"Of course I do, you spoon. I just didn't know how you felt, and I didn't want to ruin our friendship." He was giggling now.
"You should have said something! I felt like it would be weird for me to say something since I’m four years older." I let out a breath that I didn’t realize I had been holding.
"I was waiting for you to say something!" His facial expression told me he was going to blame me for us dancing around the subject for years to come.
"Silly turnip." I grinned.
"Do you still want to move out?" He asked his eyes filled with hope.
I took a deep breath. I needed to decide whether I was going to go through with it or not. Lose a potential boyfriend or finish a YouTube video? The choice was more than obvious to me.
(Pick a number between 1 and 100…
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if it’s under 50 then go to the next chapter for your ending (yes this is sort of like a choose your own adventure no I don’t care)
Obviously my career pulled rank. After all, Dan would understand when I explained it right? It would be easy to explain and he would definitely understand. Yeah. I took a deep breath and got ready to crush the heart of the one I loved the most.
“Yes. I’m sorry Dan but I’ve already made plans. I can’t just be wishy-washy like that. I do love you though. So much.” I saw his eyes grow suddenly cold and sharp.
“No you don’t. You can tell me some excuse about how you don’t want to be ‘wishy-washy’ on Chris but don’t you dare lie to me about something as serious as love.” If looks could kill, I would be in a body bag right about now.. I must have looked very stunned, because Dan’s eyes softened up a little bit.
“I’m not lying.” I said evenly with a blank face.
“You can say that all you want” He ended the call promptly.
Epilogue:
I told Dan that it was a prank a week later. A week was too late though. He was hurt very seriously, and I caused all of the damage. He could barely look me in the eye when I came home.
So I packed. I packed all of my possessions, and I left. It turned out that Chris was actually in need of a roommate, so we moved in together. Dan still won’t talk to me to this day.
It has been very tough on both of us but we are coping. Dan has a new best friend and so do I. It was easy once you were numb enough to forget what love and bliss felt like. I still feel the pain just as strong as when I lost him the first time but i’m so used to it I barely notice anymore.
When the fans noticed we weren’t living together anymore and asked why, Dan would respond: “Phil didn’t know where to draw the line”. Just that. He wouldn’t elaborate about ‘the line’. When they asked me, I would just simply say: “Dan didn’t care enough”.