Work Text:
Cheng Xiaoshi knows Lu Guang. He knows his likes, dislikes, and subtle changes in tone that indicate his anger or frustration. It’s not like Lu Guang never shows any emotion, contrary to popular belief. He smiles occasionally and he gets easily frazzled and startled when Cheng Xiaoshi gets in his space when he’s distracted. He’s not nearly as emotive as Cheng Xiaoshi, of course, but the idea that he’s totally emotionless is also a common misconception. He doesn’t pretend to know all of him; Lu Guang is secret and guarded on his best days. But he figures he knows enough, and he’ll get to the rest eventually.
It’s because he knows him that he begins to notice the different ways Lu Guang responds to Cheng Xiaoshi’s “I love you”s. Cheng Xiaoshi says it often and without holding back, which he’s willing to bet Lu Guang isn’t super fond of, but he can’t help it. The frequency with which he says the words doesn’t lessen their meaning, he feels, and he’s never been known to have a filter, anyway. If he feels like saying it, he’s going to say it.
Lu Guang sometimes (rarely) mumbles it back, or usually opts for showing it in other ways, which Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t mind. But he starts to take notice of how when he says it, Lu Guang will get embarrassed, or turn away, or sometimes act irritated and brush it off. Which is all normal and within expected Lu Guang exasperation levels. But it’s because Cheng Xiaoshi knows Lu Guang so well that he begins to suspect there might be something deeper. He doesn’t pry; he knows that Lu Guang would never give him a straight answer, if he gave him an answer at all. But he hopes Lu Guang will open up to him about it soon; Cheng Xiaoshi has never been good at waiting.
It does take a while, but his answer comes one day when Lu Guang seems a touch out of it; a little more lethargic and distracted than normal. Cheng Xiaoshi suspects he didn’t sleep well but doesn’t bug him about it (if not tease him a little bit). That night, after dinner, Lu Guang ends up dozing off on the couch, book still in hand. Cheng Xiaoshi smiles at him fondly and moves to get a blanket. By the time he comes back, Lu Guang is up, blinking tiredly at him.
“Morning,” Cheng Xiaoshi says softly, putting the blanket aside and sitting next to him. He finds himself smiling (as he usually does when it comes to Lu Guang) and leans in to plant a kiss on his forehead. “I love you,” he tells him, honest and sincere. Lu Guang blinks again. They’re quiet for a while, and Cheng Xiaoshi stands up to go put the discarded blanket away when Lu Guang speaks up.
“Why?” he asks, voice barely audible. Cheng Xiaoshi pauses. Why? He turns to Lu Guang and sits back down next to him, blanket in lap.
“Why?” he parrots. Lu Guang isn’t looking at him. Is his love in doubt? After everything they’ve been through, really? Cheng Xiaoshi doesn’t understand. That doesn’t make sense, not to logical thinking Lu Guang; he should be able to see how Cheng Xiaoshi acts around him, and understand he’s being genuine when he says the words…Unless…
“Lu Guang…Is there some reason I shouldn’t love you?” Cheng Xiaoshi knows it’s a stupid question; he’s just trying to get Lu Guang to talk. Lu Guang shakes his head.
“No, it’s not that,” he mumbles.
“Then what is it?” he presses. Lu Guang doesn’t respond.
“Sorry, I was being stupid. Was just really tired. Gonna go brush my teeth,” he mumbles, and Cheng Xiaoshi grabs his wrist, pulling him down.
“Do you think you’re not worth loving?” Lu Guang says nothing. Bingo. “Lu Guang, look at me,” Cheng Xiaoshi says, and Lu Guang does not move. Cheng Xioashi grabs his chin and lightly guides him to look up at him. He can’t discern the expression on his face. It’s unreadable, even to Cheng Xiaoshi. But if he had to say, he looks…almost scared.
“Lu Guang, I love you because you’re kind. Because you stuck with me when you had no reason to. Because you brought me bubble tea in the rain when we were fighting. Because you care so much about those around you, about me, even when you pretend not to. Because you’ve protected me, time and time again, even when you didn’t have to. Because you’re just as childish at heart as me, you’re just better at hiding it. Because you’re loyal to a fault. Because you’re always here for me when I need you, and even when I think I don’t. I love you,” he reaffirms, and a stray tear falls down Lu Guang’s cheek as he blinks. “And if you don’t believe me, I’ll just keep saying it until you do.” He moves his right hand to brush away the stray tear, and brings his other to brush his thumb across his cheek. He places the lightest of kisses upon his forehead. “I love you,” he says, and Lu Guang just nods.
Cheng Xiaoshi vows to keep saying it until he can believe him.