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Ten knows he messed up. He looks at the clock on his phone; it’s 4:41 a.m., and he’s only getting home. His legs don’t even want to walk him to the car that’s waiting for him. He knows he messed up big time, and he doesn’t know where to even begin. Yangyang was supposed to come and join him for this; he knew his friends from other units had invited him as well. They don’t get to hang out as much anymore, and Ten was very eager to hear from them. They did train and debut together, so there was some history there that Yangyang already knew about.
He has had one too many drinks in him, and it’s like he’s back to being 22, raucous and loud, and being such a tease. He remembers being in the middle of taking a body shot out of a glass carefully balanced on someone’s collarbone, and when he leaned in to take it, it did very much look like they were having an intimate moment. For a split second, Ten thought, even in his drunken stupor, that he saw a flash of platinum blonde hair from the furthest corner of the darkened room. He blinked as he downed the whole drink, and then it was like the whole scene changed. Everyone was cheering and making a lot of noise, and his inebriated brain just made him forget everything.
It was 5 minutes until 5 a.m. that Ten actually checked his phone and saw the seven texts and two missed calls. He was slowly making the climb back to their dorm, unsure of who’s waiting for him there—if someone is even waiting for him. He remembered Kun had an early flight back to his hometown to spend the lunar new year with his family. So if anyone was waiting for him at the dorm, it would be Yangyang.
Yangyang.
Ten hurried, almost slipping off the floor, and opened the door to... emptiness. All the lights were out except for the living room lamp, which they always keep on. Louis and Leon greeted him from underneath the couch, and they started rubbing on his ankles. "Hello, my babies. I’m sorry I was late~" Ten crouched down to give each of the pets a careful and gentle rub on their heads. For the first time, he felt tired. He looked at Yangyang’s door, which was closed. Ten thought it unusual, but Yangyang always left it slightly ajar for him. So it really was Yangyang whom he saw at the party. It makes sense now. Of course he would have his door closed, but Ten was so tired that he decided to leave it for tomorrow, when he had completely sobered up. He also needed time to think.
What he and Yangyang have going on right now doesn’t exactly have a label. Ten says it’s not for fear of commitment, but that tiny weasel voice in his brain says otherwise. He’s afraid of taking something from the younger boy. Yangyang, who always had his back, always trusted him. Yangyang, who’s quick to tease him but would be the first to defend him, Yangyang, who lets him grab whatever clothes are in his closet. Yangyang, who’s young and, for all intents and purposes, innocent.
After mindlessly going through the motions of getting to bed, Ten sat on his bedside and realized that, as much as he says he doesn’t want to take something from Yangyang that the latter might regret, Yangyang has let him anyway. Yangyang doesn’t complain about having to take care of Ten’s cats, or when Ten wants to explore things in bed, or when Ten needs comfort and support and not critique. Yangyang’s full attention had always been his. Yangyang has always been giving him things he just didn’t realize at the time. Ten felt his chest tighten and was fighting back tears. Has he always been this selfish? He wanted to cry some more. And he knows that even then, Yangyang wouldn’t say he’s being selfish. He would probably say it’s willingly given, and he could get all of him as much as he wants. He wonders how it took him massive amounts of alcohol and missed connections to realize this, but as he puts himself to bed, he knows what to tell Yangyang when he sees him tomorrow.
If he sees him at all. Come the next day, and Ten is rudely awakened by his manager knocking outside the dorm. He basically sprinted half-asleep to let her in. "I thought Yangyang would’ve unlocked the door by now; is he still asleep?" Ten said in his sleepy stupor.
The manager, a small-ish woman with hair up to her lower back, looked at him all confused.
"Didn’t you know?"
"Know what?"
"Yangyang made a last-minute plan to spend the lunar new year with his parents. He called in last night, around 11 p.m."
Ten didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. There’s a painful ringing in his head at all the words his manager was saying.
"What do you mean? Where is Yangyang?"
"He said there’s been an emergency, so he flew to London at around 3 a.m.? It was so last minute. Luckily, I managed to find a flight for him."
The ringing in Ten’s ears turned into a loud pounding. He can actually feel his throat closing up. Everything just seemed to unravel underneath his feet, like a rug being pulled from under him. Ten felt his surroundings start to melt, like some sort of surrealist painting. Hearing the sudden news felt like the air was getting punched right out of his chest. The last thing he remembers is forgetting how to breathe, and then his head hit the cushioned arm of the couch nearby. He blinked as his brain tried to register his manager’s attempt to help him, but it was useless, and then it was darkness.
Ten woke up in his bed, his manager on the bedside talking to someone on the phone through hushed voices.
"Yes, I'll make sure of it. Thanks." she said, before noticing that Ten was awake and was slowly trying to sit up.
"No talking. I had to call the company doctor to check on you. You had me fucking worried, Ten."
"Sorry, I guess my blood pressure was low. Can you get me some water, please?"
A poor excuse to get his manager out of the room, he knows, but he has to check on his phone, preferably in private. The notifications are still there, almost like they’re mocking him. With shaky hands and praying to all the gods he could, he went through them.
"Ge, I'm going to be a bit late; I still have some Korean homework to do."
"Ten ge, I'm on the way~~"
"I booked us a hotel for later; I just don’t want to go back to the dorms and spend New Years there!"
There it is. Ten felt his throat close up again, but he trudged along, his finger slowly scrolling down the screen.
"Ten ge, I'm almost outside!"
"See you in a bit!"
"I love you, Ten."
"See you…"
Ten saw Yangyang’s last text, and the two missed calls were after he had just witnessed Ten in a compromising position with another man. He knows no other person is being a wedge in their relationship, but he admits he hasn’t made it clear to Yangyang. Ten wanted to cry; he knew he had messed up big time. Why couldn’t he just have been more straightforward with Yangyang? He should’ve known by now what the younger boy was like. Yes, Yangyang is always graceful and gentlemanly towards him, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t insecure about anything. Ten admitted he had done nothing to make Yangyang feel secure, just dangling the possibility of them becoming more serious at him but not saying anything directly.
The manager came back with the glass of water he had asked for, and Ten almost fumbled, setting his phone back on the side table.
"So," she said as she placed the glass gently on the table.
"So, what?" Ten needed more time to think. What his next move is, he doesn’t know.
"I didn’t think I’d have to spell it out for you, Ten. Do you want to go to where Yangyang is or not?" As she spoke, she grabbed something in her tote bag and placed it right next to the glass of water.
"Why do you think I’d want to go where Yangyang is?" Ten’s own words pierced his feelings. He didn’t mean for them to sound sharp, but it is what it is. All he could do was laugh at his own misery.
"I’ve been your manager for quite some time now, and it doesn’t take a genius to see what’s going on. I didn’t know exactly what it was because you didn’t seem to know either, but now..." Ten stared at what looked to be like plane tickets tucked inside his passport on the table. "The choice is yours, Ten," she said, heaving a sigh before turning to leave. "Just don’t forget to unplug everything and lock the door when you leave".
Ten has a choice: either he can mope around in their dorm in misery until Yangyang gets back, by which time the issue could be unfixable and everything is ruined, or he can fix the issue right now the only way he sees fit. Now is not the time to be having second thoughts.
Ten pulled himself out of bed and prepared his things, his disguise, and his thoughts. It’s barely 10 a.m. He doesn’t even know how to find Yangyang or what to tell him. Anyways, he has an hour to get to the airport before his flight and about 13 hours in the air, ample time to think about how he let down the one person that made him feel like he was brighter than the sun.
—
Getting to the airport while incognito was surprisingly easy; perhaps the timing was just right or it was fate that wanted him to get to that flight without any hitches at all. Either way, Ten is grateful to be boarding the plane to London. On his window seat, he thought of sending a message to Yangyang and maybe start apologizing until he got to London, but he stopped himself. He doesn’t want to do it over text. He wants to see Yangyang in the flesh. The last nine hours had been so hard on Ten, it felt like Yangyang had been gone forever. But if what he had felt was painful, Yangyang must’ve felt worse.
His phone rang just as he was about to turn it off for the long flight. It was their manager. "His sister gave me the address. Whatever you decide to do, whatever you want to tell him, just bring him back in one piece…" the message read. Ten just smiled and shut his phone off. He may not know exactly what he wanted to say, but he knows what he feels and hopes the words will just fall into place when he sees Yangyang.
Meanwhile, back in Korea, Xiaojun had just ended a video call with his family when Hendery burst into his room with his phone in hand. "My sister just sent me this. It’s not true, right?" He handed the phone to the other, showing what looked to be a person who looked a lot like Ten at the airport.
"Oh no, call Yangyang now!" Xiaojun said.
"Dude, you have my phone."
"Oh…"
Xiaojun’s reaction was almost comical, but this whole situation with Ten and Yangyang seemed to be even worse. When Yangyang frantically called him in the middle of the night, saying he had to go back to London for an emergency, he thought everything was fine. It wasn’t until the morning that he received a message from Johnny, who told him about what happened the previous night.
"Do you think Ten went back to Thailand to spend the New Year’s there?" Hendery said as Xiaojun tried to contact Yangyang. He was about to lose hope and hang up when Yangyang finally picked up.
"Dude, you do know I just landed like 3 hours ago. Please let me sleep." Yangyang was speaking in a groggy voice.
"Ten left. Ten went to the airport in disguise, but some stalkers spotted him. We don’t know where he flew to." Xiaojun’s voice was frantic. WayV has always been close; they’ve always disclosed their whereabouts to each other. There are very few secrets between them, so Ten's leaving without informing the others bothered him a lot. This could be dangerous, not just for Ten but for the whole group. Yangyang was too quiet in the end, though.
"Hello? Didn’t you hear what I just said? Why is Ten leaving for Thailand all of a sudden?"
"Why don’t you ask him? He’s the one who was there at the party. I left," Yangyang replied. Xiaojun couldn’t tell if Yangyang was just really sleepy or if he was about to cry. "I’m just tired, and it feels like... it feels like I'm the only one holding on…shit" Yangyang spoke in muffled sounds. There was some dead air; they both just didn't know what to say. "Just give me some time; I'll get over it soon. With my luck, I'll get over it by tomorrow, hehe."
Yangyang may giggle at his misery, but Xiaojun’s heart broke for his younger friend. Yangyang is too sweet, too kind-hearted. It may look like this business can afford them many friends to turn to, but there is a specific kind of loneliness that’s uniquely experienced by them. To be surrounded by masses of people but still feel alone. Yangyang really relied on Ten to be that person he could turn to, and so did Ten, although the latter would never admit it.
"And please don’t bother Kun-ge with this. I’ll try to call Ten when I'm feeling better. I promise I'll fix this before the holidays end." Xiaojun could tell Yangyang was trying his best to smile through it all, and it’s not like he can do anything about it, so he better let it go. "Okay, fine, but you better come back here soon. We’ll hit the gyms and play whatever you want."
Hendery motioned at Xiaojun just as the latter ended the call. "So? What’s going to happen? We’re not going to tell Kun-ge? Do the managers even know Ten left?"
"We have to trust our friends. They’re all adults. I think we should leave this matter in their own hands." Xiaojun replied to Hendery, handing him his phone back. The latter just gave back an awkward smile.
—
Yangyang couldn’t believe what he just heard from Xiaojun. Ten really left for Thailand? What is he trying to do? He looked way too happy going out with other people; couldn’t he just do that in Korea? "Shit, why am I still thinking about this?" Yangyang murmured to himself. This isn’t good, not for his sanity or for the group. When he told Ten he liked him more than a friend, he was so ready to get his heart broken. Yangyang thought he didn’t have a chance. Ten is ten. He’s sought after and always wanted. So many people want him or want to be him. "I guess this is what I get for wanting more than I deserve," Yangyang thought to himself.
He looked at the clock; it was 9 p.m. in London. He quickly set his alarm for 4 a.m., thinking it would give him enough sleep to wake up early enough to go for a quick jog. With a heavy sigh, he settled into his blankets and drifted back to sleep.
A loud ringing pierced Yangyang’s slumber. It couldn’t be his alarm; that would be way too short. He grabbed his phone while half asleep and accepted the call.
"Who is calling in this ungodly hour?" Yangyang mumbled, but he quickly came back to his senses when he realized who’s calling.
"Hey, it's me." It was Ten on the line; he sounded out of breath.
"Oh, hey, ge…"
"Yangyang…"
"No, please. Let me talk for a bit…"
"Okay…" Ten said, still sounding out of breath.
Although Yangyang said he wanted to talk first, he doesn’t exactly know what to say. He’s been thinking about what he would tell Ten the moment he walked away, but now that his voice is in his ears, it’s like all thoughts are trapped, and he’s tongue-tied, afraid of what he might say.
"Then let me speak first. I’m sorry" Ten interjected.
"For what? We aren’t anything. You have nothing to apologize for." Yangyang’s own words were stabbing him in the back. He bit his lip after the words left his mouth. That’s not what he wanted to say at all.
"Still, I’m sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I didn’t take your feelings seriously."
"Don’t be, ge. I have no right to be jealous, and I’m responsible for my own feelings, you know. Don't worry about me."
"Yangyang…"
"I’ll be fine, really. I’m okay. We’re okay." No, Yangyang isn’t okay; he’s biting his lip even harder. He doesn’t think he’s had his heart broken like this. There was a moment of silence there; they were just listening to each other breathe.
"Do you remember? We used to have talks like this when you were in China." Yangyang said, trying to steer the conversation away.
"...Yeah, I racked up quite the fees since I used so much mobile data."
"Hahaha, I remember when you still used the hotel’s wifi. It was so bad."
"Yeah, I could barely hear you back then." Yangyang is in so much pain to the point that he feels numb. He doesn’t even know what he’s saying anymore.
"Yangyang, are you sure you’re going to be okay? With us, like this…" Ten said in the smallest voice he could muster.
"I mean..." Suddenly there was a buzz coming from the front door of the apartment, breaking Yangyang’s train of thought. Maybe it’s one of the neighbors complaining about the noise he’s making. Maybe he was talking on the phone too loudly. He jumped off his bed quickly and trudged towards the door. The buzzing continued; the sound was so loud that it seemed to come out of the phone too.
"Ge, you went home, right? Xiaojun called me, and he said people saw you at the airport." Yangyang began to resign to his feelings. He can definitely do this; getting over the love of his life in what feels like sand escaping his grasp isn’t easy but definitely doable. He just has to remember what life was like before Ten.
"Yes, I went home," Ten replied, but before he could continue, Yangyang had opened the door to come face to face with…Ten himself. He dropped his phone into his jacket pocket and leaped towards Yangyang, squeezing him tightly. The tears he has been holding in for the past 15 hours inevitably fell.
"Ge? What? Why are you here?" Yangyang almost slipped and fell back when Ten jumped on him. Almost automatically, he pulled them both towards the center of the room, letting the door close and lock itself back.
"I’m sorry, Yangyang, I'm so sorry." Ten squeezed Yangyang tightly even more. He was gasping really fast, pretty much a blubbering mess, and his tears soaked Yangyang’s shirt. Yangyang couldn’t believe what was happening. Ten seemed like a mirage right in front of him.
"What’s going on? Hey, Ten. Calm down, okay?" Yangyang tried to calm him down, but Ten just kept on hugging him tightly. It had almost been 24 hours since Yangyang had left him, but it felt longer. He had never felt so lonely in recent memory, and he doesn’t plan to let him go ever again.
"Fuck, I look so uncool." Ten slowly let go, letting Yangyang breathe. Everything happened so quickly that he forgot what to do. "Okay." Ten held Yangyang’s palm with both of his hands. He could tell the other was slightly shivering. February nights in London are still cold, and Ten was nervous as hell.
"I love you, Yangyang. I'm sorry I hurt you in the worst way. I-" Yangyang grabbed Ten by his wrist, bringing him closer, and kissed him. It was chaste, a little bit more than a peck, but Ten kissed him back with much fervor, catching him off guard. Lips smashing, tongues fighting, like they’re trying to swallow down the pain they both felt. Each kiss was punctuated by a soft I love yous in between breaths. It was everything Yangyang ever dreamed of. Sure, they’ve kissed many times before, but this time felt different. Same for Ten; he loves kissing Yangyang. He adored the lips that only spoke praise for him.
After some time, they let go. The room was dark, with just enough light from the streets illuminating them both. Ten went to hug Yangyang again, and the other obliged. "I love you too," Yangyang finally replied, bringing relief to Ten. "I missed you so much," Ten said. Even in partial darkness, Yangyang can see the tiredness in Ten’s face. He placed his hands on Ten’s cheeks, carefully studying his tear-stained face. "I thought you were done with me. I thought you went back home." Yangyang kissed him again. Ten’s tears were still slowly falling this entire time, even though he mostly kept his eyes closed, so Yangyang dotted his eyes with gentle kisses, breathing in Ten’s scent. Ten breathed a sigh of relief, and he wrapped Yangyang in his arms tightly once again. "I am home."