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“El, you are not hanging that on the tree.” She rolled her eyes at him and pulled the ornament off the tree, again.
“Why not? I like it.” He gave her a lopsided boyish grin and took the ornament from her and placed it back on the tree. They’d had this argument every day, at least once, and every time, he put it back just to see her roll her eyes about it. He couldn’t help it. He loved to see her get annoyed by it.
“Gigi!” The screams came before the door was even closed. Seamus and Kieran ran at her, wrapped their arms around, almost knocking her over. She ruffled their hair and bent down to drop kisses on their heads. She still wasn’t used to this. To being Gigi. But she was head over heels in love with Maureen’s twins.
Maureen wrapped her in a hug and whispered in her ear, “I know it’s a lot, Liv. If you’re not comfortable with it, I can stop them.” The twins had given her the nickname of their own accord, and Maureen had offered more than once to call them off. But Olivia was loathe to stop them. It was a lot. The elephant in the room of their deceased grandmother, the one she could never replace, would never want to. But she loved them, and she loved that they seemed to want her here, as part of the family.
“No, no. It’s fine.” At Maureen’s unsure expression, she went on. “I’m fine Mo, I promise. If you’re ok with it, so am I. I know it’s a lot, with your mom and all that.”
Maureen sighed. Olivia always did this. Always deflected back to her mom. She always stood on the outside, assuming her place was never held for her. “Liv, I’m fine. Mom is gone, I’ll always miss her, so will the boys. But you’re not taking her place. You would never try, and we would never ask you to. You’re their grandmother as much as she was.”
Tears filled her eyes, and she did her best to wipe them away before Elliot saw her, but of course he did. Because he always did. He always knew. He met her eyes and gave her a warm, knowing smile before scooping his grandsons up and whirling around the room until they all fell onto the couch dizzy and wheezing with laughter.
The collective opening of presents was crazy, raucous and so much fun, she found tears of laughter rolling down her face. Christmas had always been a sedate affair for her. As a child there was rarely anything, maybe one gift, until Serena would inevitably decide she’d done something to warrant taking it from her in a fit of rage. She’d always vowed that Noah wouldn’t have that. And she’d gone overboard more years than not. But, it was just the two of them. So even with her extreme gift giving, it had been quiet. Calm. When they joined the Rollins’ for a celebration later, most of the fanfare had died down and it was more like a play date.
This was how she had always envisioned a family Christmas to be. Kids running around, all hopped up on sugar, tearing into the gifts like they’d die without them. Screaming with excitement over the latest gadget or toy, groaning when they got socks and clothes. Eli was standoffish as usual, but she couldn’t miss the wide grin and quiet thank you he gave her when he opened the new laptop she and Elliot had given him. Jet had picked it out for them, told them it had everything Eli would want. They assumed she was right, and his beaming face told her that was a safe bet. Maureen and Carl were over the moon at the weekend getaway they’d been given along with the promise from Kathleen that the twins would be in her care while they went away to enjoy themselves.
True to form, she had gone overboard for all of the kids. She’d spent years thinking of the Stabler kids as her kids, and even with the time apart, and the original unease of her relationship with Elliot, she still did. And she couldn’t help herself. She spoiled them as much as she could. She ignored the voice that told her she was trying to buy her way in. To secure her place in their lives with gifts. She wasn’t. She didn’t think so anyway.
Kathleen, Rich and Lizzie all thanked her for the gifts they knew she had picked out. They loved Elliot, but knew he hadn’t been the one to decipher exactly what they wanted. To size them up and ensure the clothing was the right size and color.
She really did love these kids, all of them. Some days though, some days that love hit her like a freight train. Followed by guilt. Guilt that their mother wasn’t here anymore, and while that wasn’t her fault, she carried the weight of it on her heart every day. No matter how often Elliot told her to put it down, she couldn’t. She knew what it was like to lose a mother. She hated that she had that in common with his kids. And she hated that her being here was only possible because Kathy was gone.
No matter her personal feelings about Kathy, and the letter, she’d have never wished this for the kids.
When the din died down, the children settled in to play games or watch movies, the adults had quieted to sip coffee and relax. She let herself look around at the tableau. This was her life now. Her kid happily entrenched in the Stabler clan, as much one of them as they were. Blood and shared last names clearly didn’t matter here. He was one of them. And so was she.
She didn’t know what to do with that. She’d been alone for so long. And then she’d been Team Benson, part of a twosome. She had a found family in Rollins and Fin, but nothing like this. Nothing like the faces of 6 children smiling at her on Christmas morning. Like the faces of two small children who beamed at her and called her Gigi. Like she was always supposed to be there. Like this place in their lives had always been hers.
At times, it felt heavy. But today, it felt light. Today it felt right. The way she’d only ever allowed herself to imagine in her dreams. Today, it was just this. Just them. And it was perfect.
She didn’t miss the look the twins gave Maureen, and the silent answer she gave with just her eyes. But she wasn’t expecting the boys to run to her with a small box. “Gigi, you forgot one.” They smiled matching toothless grins and handed her the tiny box. She looked to Elliot, a question in her eyes, but he shrugged as if he had no idea.
“What is this? Is it for me?” She turned the box over and over in her hand and shook it for good measure to make them giggle. She’d never get over that sound. Music to her ears.
“Duh, Gigi.” They feigned annoyance at her, but waited patiently for her to open it, eyes wide with anticipation.
She opened it slowly and a tear slipped down her cheek before she could stop it. Inside was a thin gold band with two square cut Emeralds, their birthstone she knew. She pulled it out of the box and the boys bounced up and down.
“Look inside!” They shouted in unison.
It was inscribed. “We love you Gigi”
She pulled the boys hard to her chest and sprinkled kisses all over them until they were giggling and pulling away. “Thank you so much boys.” She said through the tears.
“Do you like it?” Seamus asked, almost shyly.
“I love it! And I love you.” She slipped it onto her right ring finger and watched them run off to play. Elliot and Maureen caught her eyes at the same time, and Elliot reached over to put a hand on hers. Sensing she was starting to feel the weight of the day.
She sat a few minutes, trying to steady her raging heart and her breathing, but finally stood to make her way to the kitchen. She was busying herself at the sink washing dishes when Elliot came in and silently stood at the island watching her.
“You’re hovering, El.” She said without turning to him.
“Liv, I know today is a lot.”
“It’s not, El.” She kept washing plates and cups before putting them in the dishwasher. She knew it wasn’t necessary, but found the hot water was a steadying force right now. “It’s not a lot, actually. It’s just…it has me thinking is all.”
He sighed, but never moved. He was waiting her out, she knew. Waiting for her to run. He had been waiting for her to run since that night in her kitchen almost a year ago when she’d backed away from him. Since that day in Ohio when she’d assumed his fear over her being shot had something to do with his feelings of losing Kathy. It hadn’t, but she was a master at deflection. He’d let her off the hook then.
But since his return months ago, he also pushed. Pushed her to accept what had always been there between them. What they’d ignored for years. Pushed her to allow him in her life, in her heart. Pushed her to see that her place had always been here. With him.
“Thinking about what?” He stayed rooted in his spot, hand clasped in front him, eying her.
“Life.” Finally she turned to him, tears in her eyes. “I never expected any of this, El. I wanted it, but never thought I would have it. I couldn’t let myself want it. All those years ago. There was no way I could have. And then, you were gone.”
“Liv, I’m-“
She cut him off by raising her hand. “No, Elliot. No apologies. That’s not what I’m talking about. You were gone, and I couldn’t have this. And that was ok. I’d already resigned myself to that years before. And then I was fine without it. I was always going to be fine without. Just Noah and me, Team Benson. That was fine. It was enough. But then you came back, and all of that came rushing back to me. All those years of wanting what I couldn’t have. And I ran from that. Again.” She crossed the kitchen to stand in front of him, taking his hands in hers. “I’m tired of running, El. I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to be afraid to want this. To have this.”
“You do have this, Liv. We’re right here. And we’re not going anywhere. You’re place was always here.”
“What if….what if I want more?”
“More?” He dropped her hands and pushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear.
“What if….” She sighed and looked down, trying to steady herself. “What if…”
“What if what, Liv?” His worried eyes met hers.
“Elliot, I….I’m trying to ask you to marry me.” She smiled, shyly.
He lets his thumb graze her cheek, then grips her chin and tilts her face up to his. “Yes. Of course it’s yes, Liv. It was always you.” And then he kissed her over the shouting of all of the kids in the living room who had definitely not been eavesdropping.