Chapter Text
Ellie goes to Tommy’s house every day now. Joel knows she tries to act cool about it, but he sees the giddy light in her eye every time she makes it to the threshold of her uncle’s house. Truthfully, he’d be lying if he didn’t share her pride. For twenty one days, she’s undertaken the challenge and no longer walks like she’s balanced on a tightrope. Some days, she even bounces and skips like she used to when they were walking across the country and it makes Joel believe that one day all the terrifying thoughts that plague her mind will one day be nothing more than a memory.
And then, Ellie asks to see the building that Joel’s working on, it’s only one street over and if they take the cut-through past Mrs Daulton’s house then it’s even quicker. So Joel takes her hand and guides her over to his worksite, sticks a hardhat on her head when she gets close to the bricklaying and returns her scowl at what she deems ‘unnecessary precaution’.
Two days later, Ellie asks to go see the horses at the stables so Joel takes her there and watches as she amuses herself with young Shimmer and the other horses. Angus, the man in charge of the horses, shows her how to lead a horse in its headcollar and tie it up. Ellie seems wary of him at first, but when Joel joins the conversation, she loosens up.
Now Ellie proudly tells Joel that she feels like an explorer from one of her stories, discovering the wonders of Jackson one by one. It’s Maria who suggests the next one: the dining hall.
They’re sitting around in her living room, Ellie rocking Rosie to sleep in her arms as Tommy heats up some pasta for lunch. Joel watches Ellie freeze and shoots Maria a warning glance, daring her to push Ellie further. To his surprise, however, Ellie resumes her rocking after a moment and gives a thoughtful nod.
‘Not today. I’ve already been to the stables this morning,’ she tells her and then turns to Joel. ‘Maybe tomorrow?’
‘If you want to, we can go. But only if you want to, ain’t nobody makin’ you,’ Joel assures her. The last thing he wants now is for Ellie to push herself too far. He’s not sure she notices just how nervous she still is around food because it’s just become a part of their routine.
Joel never makes dinner without Ellie there, never puts something in front of her unless she knows every single ingredient used. He shows her the meat in the package, points out the label and tells her how he can tell it’s just venison from the direction of the streaks. That part is complete bullshit, but it gets her to eat the protein so he’ll keep that part to himself. Just like Sarah used to eat her carrots so she could see in the dark.
Most days she manages three meals now, but there are still days that she only has a bite of breakfast, if anything at all. On those days, Joel makes sure there’s always someone by her side if she stands up too fast and casually makes sure she’s always sitting down when holding Rosie.
‘I want to go. Tommy said that everyone in Jackson goes to the diner, so we should too… right?’ Ellie looks at him as if for confirmation so he nods his head in agreement. ‘Then we’ll go tomorrow,’
‘That sounds like a good plan, Ellie,’ Maria smiles, but Joel doesn’t miss the hint of apprehension on Ellie’s face as she distracts herself with the slumbering infant in her arms. Maybe he’s just become overprotective of his girl, but he has a feeling in his gut that as much as Ellie thinks she’s ready, this might be one step too far.
But they don’t talk about it again until the next morning when Joel has to coax Ellie out of bed with the promise of pancakes for the third time this week. Yet even that enticing offer fails to get Ellie to pull the covers off her head, so Joel finds himself bringing her a glass of water that he just about manages to get her to drink.
He doesn’t say it to her, but he reckons the diner is going to be a no-go today. Not that Joel minds, he had been sure she was pushing too much. Instead of dragging her reluctantly from bed as he would have had to in their time on the road, Joel settles down with a book next to her bed and reads softly while Ellie dozes in and out of sleep.
By the time he reaches the end of Nancy Drew’s adventure with a mysterious hidden staircase, Ellie seems to have perked up, sitting in her bed rather than laying flat out. She peers over the top of the book to get a look at the occasional pictures and pretends to be shocked by the ending that she’s heard fifty times over by now.
Still, normally on the days that Ellie doesn’t get out of bed early, she won’t ever find the energy to do much more than make it downstairs for a brief meal and maybe the opening credits to a movie she swears she’ll stay awake for. That’s why Joel is more than a little surprised when Ellie asks Joel what time they have to leave to go to the diner. He frowns at her for a moment, leans forward to tuck away a loose strand of hair and studies the determined look on her face.
‘El, we don’t have to do that today if you ain’t up to it,’ he tells her firmly. ‘I’ll talk to Maria and she won’t mind, we’ll just go another day,’
Ellie just shakes her head.
‘No, I’m sick of this, Joel. I can’t just write off every day that I don’t feel right. If we did that when we were on the road, we’d still be in fucking Boston,’ Ellie insists vehemently, an imploring look in her eye. ‘I want to do it today, Joel. Please,’
There are times that Joel knows he can argue with Ellie, talk her out of something he thinks isn’t the best idea. This isn’t one of those times. He sighs heavily and nods before quickly offering a smile lest Ellie worry he’s disappointed with her choice.
Besides, maybe she’ll be fine. Maybe once she gets in and sees that there’s nothing to be worried about, has a plate of food much better than anything Joel can cook, she’ll be wanting to go every day. Maybe, for once, this can be easy.
In the end, Joel figures it's best to go for an early dinner, before the bulk of Jackson comes filtering in when shift ends and everyone wants their dinner. So around five o’clock, Ellie and Joel traipse over to collect Tommy, Maria and little Rosie to all head down to the diner.
Ellie sticks close to Joel, her small hand gripping his tightly as she stares resolutely ahead. The look on her face is more akin to someone walking to the execution block than someone going out for a family dinner. Joel doesn’t mention it, though, instead conversing with Tommy who walks on the other side of Ellie about some construction job they’ve got lined up.
As they near the dining hall, Ellie’s feet falter ever so slightly and Joel casually slows to a stop, pretending to be too engrossed in conversation with his brother and Maria to notice the change in pace. Really, he knows Ellie needs a minute before going inside.
It only takes a moment before Joel feels Ellie’s chest expand against his side with a deep breath before she tugs on his hand, indicating that she’s ready. Again, without acknowledging her vulnerability, Joel guides them inside.
He’s never actually been in the diner since the first time they were here, despite having walked past it plenty while working around town, always preferring to share his meals with Ellie in the comfort of his own home. Truthfully, Ellie’s reluctance to dine with the rest of Jackson was something Joel could easily get on board with but he knows that if Ellie wants to keep trying new things, he won’t stop her.
The building stretches high with an arched ceiling supported by several beams dotted throughout the rows of tables. To his right is a long counter with steaming food piled on with trays and plates stacked at one end and people wearing hair nets and aprons stand behind, bustling about the hidden kitchen. The other three walls are mostly taken up with wide windows that stretch from the floor half way up the building, letting in plenty of natural light.
Joel remembers something Maria had said about how any new buildings they make tend to use plenty of windows so less electricity has to be used to light it.
For the most part, the hall is empty, save for a group of elderly people sat around a table in the far corner with empty plates of food set aside in favour of a card game laid out in front of them.
‘So, what d’ya think, Elle-Belle?’ Tommy asks, making the girl scowl briefly at the nickname she pretends to hate.
‘I think it looks the same as last time I was here,’ Ellie responds, the snark in her voice a clear indication of her discomfort. ‘It’s a diner, big ass room, lots of tables, same as all the ones at FEDRA,’
Tommy makes a face at Joel over Ellie’s head, the same one he’d make when Sarah would come home from a bad day at school, throw her bag on the ground and storm up to her room. Joel simply lifts the hand that isn’t still clasped tightly in Ellie’s and pats her shoulder gently. The muscles underneath his hand are tense and Joel wishes he had pushed harder for them to just stay home.
‘How about you two go and find somewhere to sit with Tommy and I get us some food,’ Maria suggests, to which Ellie nods stiffly and Joel shoots her a grateful look before steering her through the aisles of tables.
‘Where do you want to sit, baby,’ he asks gently, hoping that giving her some control over the situation will keep her calm. That’s what the book Maria took out of the library for him said, right?
‘I don’t care, a table is a fucking table, man,’ Ellie snaps. Maybe not, then.
Holding back a frustrated sigh, Joel pulls out a chair by the nearest table and gestures Ellie into it. This isn’t the time for Joel to get annoyed and he isn’t, not really, he’s just sick and tired of watching Ellie struggle to live her life while he sits here helpless.
No words are exchanged while they wait for the missing trio to return, but Joel can see out of the corner of his eye Ellie watching the buffet cautiously, suspicion written over her face. For his part, Joel tries to convince himself that storming what’s left of Silver Lake to track down those damn fucking cannibals isn’t something that’s going to help anyone.
By the time Tommy and Maria return with four plates of food, Joel can feel Ellie near enough shaking next to him. He still says nothing, knowing that she won’t welcome any help until she asks for it, not when they’re out in public.
Except asking for help seems to be out of the picture because no sooner is a plate of spaghetti placed in front of her than is she jumping out of her seat like someone lit a fire in her trousers and making a beeline for the door.
Joel mutters a curse under his breath, abandoning his own enticing dinner in favour of chasing after the fleeing girl, calling after her helplessly, but his words seem to fall on deaf ears. Ellie bumps into a table, nearly tripping over and knocking a chair to the ground before she manages to right herself and stumble the rest of the way to the door.
It’s all Joel can do to keep up with her, having given up on getting her attention and instead aiming to just keep her within his sight. She sprints down the bustling streets of Jackson as people enter the home stretch of shift and he nearly loses her behind a group of rowdy teenagers, but manages to find her again easily enough.
Her sprint has finished, ending with her leaning against a lamp post, bent over double as the lunch she never ate comes back up, accompanied by pained groans and coughing.
***
Ellie really thought she could make it back to the house otherwise she probably would have found somewhere more private than the busy street of Jackson to toss her fucking cookies. But here she is, gripping a lamppost like it’s the edge of a cliff from which she hangs as her stomach spasms with the force of her heaving.
Fuck, this embarrassing. There were a couple of kids hanging out like twenty feet away and now they’re probably watching her puke her guts up outside some poor person’s front lawn.
There’s a hand on her back and she nearly bats it away harshly, but she recognises the boots that have appeared next to her own and relaxes into Joel’s touch. She had heard him calling after her but had known if she stopped in her tracks then she definitely wouldn’t have made it home.
She spits up the last of the bile sticking to her throat, finally tuning back into Joel’s comforting words next to her. The hand that had been supporting herself on her knee moves to search for Joel’s which soon appears in it, squeezing gently.
‘There you go, you’re alright,’ Joel tells her, rubbing her back gently and Ellie begins to straighten. Except, she sees one of the girls who had been down the street approaching behind Joel and quickly turns her face away.
She clears her throat quietly, clearly nervous and Ellie wishes she would just fuck off. Apparently, this girl doesn’t know how to do that, though, and instead she continues her approach. Her question is addressed to Joel.
‘Is she okay? I can go and get the doctor if you want, he’s just two streets over, he’ll still be there,’ she offers and Ellie knows, somewhere in the back of her mind, that she’s just trying to be kind but after months relying on Joel and only Joel, the offer of help rubs her the wrong way.
‘She don’t need a doctor she’s just fine,’ Joel responds curtly, squeezing Ellie’s hand once again as she slowly straightens fully, still keeping her head turned away from the newcomer.
‘Are you sure, she seems pretty—’
‘I don’t need a fucking doctor,’ Ellie snaps, her sudden burst of annoyance giving her the courage to spin around, nearly falling over until Joel sets her right. For a moment, her eyes blow wide as she sees the girl in front of her. Fuck, she’s pretty. Why did it have to be a pretty girl? Shit.
The girl stumbles back a step, clearly shocked as she raises her hands slightly, offering her surrender as a symbol of peace. Ellie just about manages to clamp her mouth shut and she hopes her face doesn’t look as shocked as she feels.
‘Sorry, I was just… sorry,’ she offers, ducking her gaze slightly and it’s when Ellie really looks at her dark eyes and the high curve of her cheekbones that she realises she’s seen this girl before. It’s the same one who had been staring at her in the dining hall all those months ago.
Jesus, she really doesn’t know how to mind her own damn business. But, fuck, is she gorgeous.
‘S’alright, but we’re doin’ just fine,’ Joel tells her firmly, pulling Ellie forward by the shoulders and guiding her back onto the path to their house.
‘Yeah, okay… well, hope you feel better soon,’ the girl calls after them, but neither responds. Joel glances over his shoulder at her briefly, probably to glare at her like Ellie would quite like to if she didn’t think that turning around now might make her throw up all over again.
Joel’s hands run up and down Ellie’s arms as he gently pulls her down the street and up the stairs to the front porch in silence. A key is pulled from his pocket and Ellie watches as it slots into the keyhole, twists and then the door swings open, letting Ellie trudge inside, head hung low with her failure.
Without a word, Joel heads to the kitchen while Ellie slumps down at the kitchen table and he starts pulling out some ingredients for dinner. First, though, he sets a glass of water in front of Ellie.
Silence continues to wrap itself around the pair as Ellie stares glumly at the slowly emptying glass, listening to Joel bang around the kitchen, cussing every now and then and muttering to himself. He’s acting like nothing happened, like Ellie hasn’t just made an absolute fucking fool of herself, embarrassed herself in front of the whole of Jackson.
As if it wasn’t bad enough being known as the weirdo fuckhead who didn’t want to go outside, now she’ll be the weirdo fuckhead who might just puke on your hydrangeas if you’re unlucky. Fucking brilliant.
Dinner appears in front of her, some kind of risotto from a recipe Joel got from someone in town. Someone that Ellie doesn’t know because she won’t talk to anyone outside of her little clan. It’s getting really fucking old and she’s getting sick and tired of it.
What happened to the Ellie who was having to encourage Joel to talk to Sam and Henry? What happened to the Ellie who would look for a friend in every person she met? Where the fuck has she gone because Ellie doesn’t recognise herself anymore, doesn’t know who she is or where she went or what the fuck is going on.
It’s like somewhere along the way, a new person began inhabiting her body, took over the controls and put in every safety precaution possible and now she’s stuck here with no reboot button and no idea what happened.
Except she knows what happened. She knows who happened but it’s all stuck like tar in the back of her head, trapped behind thin curtains of defiance or denial or some shit. Fuck knows what it is, Ellie sure doesn’t but she does know it’s starting to really fucking piss her off.
Sighing heavily, Ellie starts attacking her dinner with perhaps more aggression than it deserves. The rice scratches her throat and she has to swallow hard to get it past the lump of protest trying to stop her from eating it. It’s just fucking vegetables and rice, it’s not that deep but somehow Ellie thinks it might be easier to swallow her switchblade.
She gives up after a few mouthfuls, slamming down her fork and knife and crossing her arms over her chest with a huff. Joel glances up at her, but doesn’t say anything before returning to his meal.
‘I really thought I could do it,’ Ellie grumbles, swinging one leg back and forth against the table leg before stilling when she sees the way Joel’s glass of water trembles.
‘I know you did, baby, I’m sorry it didn’t work out,’ Joel replies gently, his voice soft and gentle as ever and it makes the bubble of anger in Ellie’s chest swell.
‘Well it fucking should have,’ she snaps. Joel doesn’t say anything.
Ellie knows what he’s doing. He’s trying to get her to fill the silence, to be so desperate for something to be said that she finally tells him something. For the first time since he’s started doing this, Ellie suddenly feels inclined to give him something. Does she throw him a bone? Or does she keep her mouth shut, keep ignoring it and pushing it down until it eats her up.
‘They were fucking cannibals,’ Ellie mutters. Truthfully, she hadn’t meant to say it outloud, it’s just been on repeat in her head since she saw that fucking counter filled with food that she knows nothing about. ‘Cannibals, Joel,’
There’s a gentle clinking as Joel sets down his cutlery, turning his full attention to Ellie as he perches his chin on top of his interlocked fingers.
‘I know. I saw,’ he says simply, pain flashing through his eyes as his eyebrows draw together. He doesn’t say anything else.
Ellie grinds her teeth together, staring Joel down like this is some kind of negotiation, like he’s trying to weasel more information out of her than she wants to give. But that’s not fair. Joel would never ask her to say more than she wants to, he of all people knows how hard it is to talk about this shit. Still, Ellie will try. For Joel, she’ll always try.
Her fingers begin to drum on the tabletop, tapping out some unknown rhythm to try and calm the swirling thoughts in her mind, each fighting to be said first yet shying away as they reach her lips.
‘They were gonna… They tried to give me… It was in a fucking diner and… He tried to… Fuck!’ Ellie slams her hands down on the table, anger winning against her rationality and forcing her to her feet. ‘I can’t even— I don’t know how to— Fuck!’
Ellie jams the heels of her palms into the sockets of her eyes until spots dance across the backs of her eyelids. A frustrated, strangled cry escapes her lips as Ellie fights to keep her feet underneath her, stomach clenching with the threat of bringing her dinner back up. One hand moves to clutch her stomach, the other rotating to cover both her eyes as she bends over double.
He’s right in front of her. David. He leers over her, that disturbing fucking grin on his face as his eyes rove over her body, a hungry look on his face but she doesn’t know what kind of hunger he’s feeling. But she knows he isn’t there, knows he’s dead, face bashed in, brains on the wall, burned to a crisp. So why is he staring at her?
‘Ellie,’
‘Joel,’ she whimpers, feeling two arms come around her that she falls into. Her legs disappear, their job taken over by Joel’s strong arms.
‘Open your eyes, sweetheart,’ he tells her. ‘He’s not here, I promise. Open your eyes, you’ll see. It’s just me,’
‘I know that!’ Ellie insists, but she does open her eyes to find them sitting on the floor of the kitchen, her legs splayed out to the side, utterly useless. ‘I fucking know that, I know he’s dead, I know that people here aren’t cannibals, but it won’t go through my fucking head,’
Ellie slams her hand into the side of her head a few times as though that will make it better. A disapproving noise comes, slightly muffled, from the back of Joel’s throat as his hand appears between Ellie’s head and her hand.
‘Don’t do that, missy,’ he asks. Ellie lets her hand fall to her side, exhausted.
‘I want to go to bed. I can’t do this,’ she tells him. Too much has happened today, too much and too little all at the same time and Ellie’s pretty sure that if she doesn’t fall into bed soon, she might just spontaneously combust or some shit like that.
‘Okay, sweetheart. You go on up to bed,’ Joel agrees, pulling the two of them to their feet with strong hands that linger for just a moment longer than they need to make sure Ellie is steady. A grateful smile is all she can manage and she hopes it’s enough to convey how grateful she is for him.
Head hung in defeat, Ellie retreats from the kitchen, up the stairs and just about finds the energy to change into some pyjamas before diving into her bed and burrowing under the covers. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Probably not.
Maybe.