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The first time Shogo's heart sways is in that board room, when all five members (at the time) of VISTY all gather together to meet for the very first time.
Hikage Toma is beautiful, for lack of any more flowery vocabulary. His bleach blonde hair slightly falls past the tip of his chin, and it's half-up in the back. Hikage Toma has a charismatic smile, characteristic of a model, and Shogo can't stop himself from staring.
Hikage Toma catches his eyes though, and grins. Shogo quickly finds his face heating up, so he looks away, though when he steals another glance Hikage Toma's way, Hikage Toma is still grinning at him.
It's helplessly comfortable, the smile of someone who undoubtedly would lend his hand no matter what. That sort of casual kindness isn't really something Shogo isn't used to, nobody he's ever worked with has been so… bright? What is the word he's looking for?
Hikage Toma is nothing short of a twinkling, shining star.
The second time Shogo finds his heart beating a little too quickly for him to be comfortable, it's when they're sitting back, just before their debut stream. Toma looks as comfortable as ever, quickly doing a brushup on his makeup before the stream starts. The way his lithe fingers so delicately applies finishing touches, Shogo can't help but watch.
"On air in 5!" A staff member says, and Toma looks himself over in his hand mirror, before smiling, apparently satisfactory. Another staff member sweeps in to take the brush from him and Toma nods his thanks as he closes his hand mirror and tucks it away in his pocket.
"So? How do I look?" Toma looks over at Shogo. "It's our debut stream after all!"
"Ah– ah…" Shogo is kind of at a loss for words, but eventually, he blurts out, "you look beautiful."
Toma looks stunned for a second, but then he bursts out into delightful, adorable laughter. He grins and the way he does so makes Shogo smile in turn. The sound of Toma's laughter alone blows all of Shogo's nerves away and he's left, simmering in a comfortable warmth, totally relaxed.
"Really?! Ah, that's good to hear. So bold, coming from another guy though. Thanks for that, Shogo- kun ! You've really made my day."
The third time is after their first public event. Shogo was so goddamn nervous he felt his stomach rebelling against him what felt like a million times. However, as they all settled back in the dorm, Toma was unusually off. He played up his playboy exterior for the usual Stella Live, all smiles, though a bit weak, but still with a hint of his natural charisma. Shogo and Toma were the only ones remaining in the dorm kitchen afterwards– Kei had retired to his room to compose, and Aoi and Kantaro had studying to do.
"Are… you alright?" Shogo chanced, placing his spoon down. "You've been kind of off after our handshake event. Are you tired?"
"Huh…?" Toma looked dumbfounded. And then he laughed. "Oh, Sho- chin, you're so considerate!" He said with a huge smile on his face. This laugh was a little bit less brittle. "I really appreciate that about you. It's cute. Thank you for worrying."
"A-ah." Shogo found himself heating up. But still, Toma didn't actually–
"I'm doing fine," Toma clarified, "I was just nervous since it was our very first event! All those people– I'm having a hard time grappling with the idea that they came there for us, you know? They wanted to see us. To meet us. All those radiant smiles. I really am happy I became an idol for that. I'm so glad. But still, nerves don't really disappear…"
Shogo found himself smiling. "Well, it's Toma. So you did just fine. You were really radiant too… I'm glad everything's okay."
Toma smiled at him. "Thanks for worrying about me, Sho- chin… We should probably head to bed soon. I've got classes in the morning I need to attend." With that, Toma yawned. "You'd better not eat too many sweets before bed, okay~! I'll see you in the morning." Toma rose from his seat at the island and then walked around to tap Shogo's shoulder.
It send Shogo almost into overdrive and he almost choked on his ice cream. "A-Ah, yeah!" He said, barely saving himself. "Get some rest. Good work today."
"Mhm. Good work today. Goodnight, Sho- chin ."
"Goodnight, Toma."
He hears Toma's door close and Shogo takes a second to breathe, before he clinks his spoon against the countertop as he drops it to hold his head in his hands.
He's so done for.
The fourth time Shogo finds himself feeling almost all-encompassed by Hikage Toma's beauty is during something completely mundane. He realizes one night after a trip to the bathroom that Toma's room light still seems to be on. It's uncharacteristic of him, really, that man is the earliest of them all to head to bed for the sake of his skincare routine. Worried that Toma's in a rough patch, Shogo gently knocks on his door.
"Toma?" He asks gently, staring at the warm light that seeps into the floorboards from the gap underneath.
"Nn… ye~s?" Toma's voice is sleepy-sounding at first, but then falls back into his usual playful feeling.
Shogo opens Toma's door and he's at his desk, papers scattered before him. He's got his hair up and a towel around his neck, and he's tapping his eraser against his chin.
"Is… everything okay in here?" He asks then.
"Ah. Oh, yeah." Toma replies dismissively, waving a hand. "All good, all good, I– I've just been so busy with lessons I didn't have time to catch up on a reading for class~ Ahh, it's so over…" He sighs, almost wistfully.
"Do you… want me to make you some tea?" Shogo then offers. "You shouldn't push yourself that much."
Toma looks over at him and smiles. "Oh, you don't need to do that. Thank you so much, though. I really appreciate it."
Bathed in the warm light of his desk lamp, Toma's bleach blond hair is flaxen, almost golden. His lips are pressed into a thin smile and it betrays him just a little bit– Shogo can tell he's just about running on fumes. He knows Toma only had a couple lectures to attend, but on top of their early morning lessons from six in the morning, his modeling gig, and their later stream, the added baggage of classes to bridge the gaps inbetween imparts onto him an extra layer of exhaustion that Shogo doesn't usually see.
But still, his beauty is unwavering.
Despite being in casual lounge clothes, for some reason this is elucidating. Actually, if Shogo had to say it, Toma is somehow more beautiful like this. Not trying to push his image, focused on something that's not their lives and activities that take place in front of cameras. The warm lamplight washes over Toma's fair skin, deep shadows falling against it, and it reminds Shogo of oppressive sunsets that dye everything orange-red, beautiful as it is captivating.
"Uh…" Shogo begins, but can't find anything to say next.
"Why, did you need something from me?" Toma asks then, putting down his pencil.
"N-no! No. I just was worried since you're not usually up this late, so…"
"Ahh~ I know! This is so~ not good for my skin. Ugh, I hope I don't get visible eyebags in the morning…"
"That's– I'm sure you'll be fine. You look beautiful either way, s… so…" Like the last times, the words sort of fall awkwardly out of his mouth without even thinking, and the corners of Toma's mouth tick up into a shy smile.
"... Aw, thank you." Toma says, a bit more softly. "Thank you for worrying about me, Sho- chin. It really means a lot. I promise I'll get some rest soon– you should also head to bed, you know. Don't worry too much about me." His smile widens a bit, his eyes crinkle with affection and there's something so beautiful about even those small motions alone that Shogo can feel his heart skip a beat.
"R… right. Yeah. I'll check on Kei, and then go to bed. Rest well, Toma. I'll see you tomorrow." Shogo dips his head.
"You too, Sho- chin . Thanks again for checking up on me."
Shogo slowly closes Toma's bedroom door, once again finding himself alone in the darkness of the hallway.
"Ah~ I guess it is bedtime!" Toma's muffled voice comes from behind his door. Shogo moves backwards to hear Toma putting his pencil down and shuffling out of his chair.
As soon as the light goes out, Shogo approaches Toma's door again.
"Good night, Toma."
"Ah! Good night, Shogo."
Shogo hears Toma climb into bed and grasps at his chest.
Shogo.
When Shogo buries himself in his blankets later, his mind plays the sound of Toma saying his name on loop, and the way it seems to roll so beautifully off his tongue.
The fifth time is not happy.
It's another late night. The rain outside shows no signs of stopping, drumming heavily against the windows.
Is this how it's going to be now? Shogo wonders to himself. With Kei gone, will it always be like this? He wishes the rain would stop.
The dorm has been quiet since they all arrived back from the live venue. No staff has come to talk to them, though it makes Shogo worry for the strategy meeting that will come after today's performance. Even the ride back to the dorm was painfully silent. It was awful. Heart-wrenching. Kantaro has locked himself in his room, Aoi has retreated to the gym, and Toma… hasn't left the bathroom. Usually it would be Shogo in that situation, clammed up in their bathroom, bent over the toilet bowl, but for some reason the nausea has gone beyond needing to throw up– it's left him with nothing.
He knows Kantaro will be angry if he tries to talk with him, and he hates to interrupt Aoi at times like this, quiet and brooding. However, Toma…
Shogo remembers the beauty Toma showed him prior to the live show, his sadness which he tried to patch over to try and help with everybody's nerves. Toma wore his usual smile, with no clear sign of fading, at least, not yet. Toma had tried so hard to carry them along, to make sure they weren't swallowed by the fears of their future. Shogo owes everything to Toma right now, for comforting him. What a pathetic excuse of a leader he was, having to be comforted instead of being the person to do the comforting.
Toma… needs to lean on others too.
Shogo steels himself and walks over to the bathroom. When he knocks and calls out Toma's name, he doesn't get a response. So he tries again, only to find that the bathroom door isn't locked. So Shogo enters, to find Toma curled up, on the ground, not showing his face to him.
"Sh– Shogo…" Toma doesn't use his nickname. His voice is battered by sobs. It kills Shogo in this moment.
He realizes that Toma is probably the strongest of all of them. Swallowing his tears to help them through theirs, but not even he can keep them at bay for long enough.
"... Toma…" Shogo quietly kneels down beside Toma.
"Please… don't look at me right now, oh, Shogo, I'm hideous." Toma regains enough control over his voice for a small request, but unfortunately for him, Shogo has decided to ignore it. Shogo doesn't know what to say, but he wraps his arms around Toma anyways, and somehow it makes him sob harder.
"It's okay… it's okay." Shogo offers weakly, though things were anything but okay– Toma buries his face in Shogo's chest without giving him a chance to look at his undoubtedly tear-stained face, clutching desperately at his back.
"Oh, it's s-so painful… Oh, oh, I hate this so much. A-and I hate that I hate this, it's so unbecoming, it's– oh, I'm so sorry, I feel so s-selfish for crying… Oh and I, I'm getting you all dirty, and–"
"You're not–" Shogo swallows hard. The outpouring of Toma's real feelings, which he kept so tightly locked away all day up until now stirs him greatly, makes his chest hurt. "You're not dirty… you're not selfish, you're not hideous, you…"
He can't find his next words, but can feel Toma trembling in his arms so strongly that it makes him start to shake. It's truly heartbreaking, to see someone so strong and beautiful and bright as Toma like this.
"I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, Shogo…"
"It's– it's not your fault, Toma. You're…"
Shogo gently eases Toma off of his chest enough to wipe his tears, and catches a glimpse of him. His eyes, usually so full of life, are swollen red and look uncharacteristically dull. His hair sticks to his cheeks where they've been wet with tears, and his lips quiver, and, God, yes, in this moment–
"Toma, you… are still beautiful." Shogo whispers. His voice wavers.
This is his declaration of the love for him that's been eating away at his heart.
"... You're still beautiful…"
Toma, weak and unguarded, lets out a small noise before curling into Shogo's chest again. He sobs a little more, grasping desperately onto Shogo as though he might disappear within seconds.
"I'm here for you, I'm here for you…" Shogo continues, holding Toma tightly. For now, it won't piece him back together, but it's the comfort he can offer to his most beloved person, the one who has been helping him continue on this entire time.
~
"Sho~go."
Shogo looks up from where he's been poring over an email to see Toma with a mug. Toma grins.
"C'mon. Work's done. Why don't you unwind now?" He asks, offering him the mug.
Shogo's eyes flit across the screen and then he sighs. "You're right. It's starting to get late. Sorry. I was just looking over this job offer."
Toma sits down beside Shogo, mug still in hand, and Shogo promptly closes the laptop and places it on the coffee table. "Oh, oh~? What is it?"
"Ah, there's this downtown karaoke bar working in tandem with a variety show that reached out to me. Apparently a good portion of customers are Stellas. They're looking to do a special spot with us in the next month or so in preparation for our next live where we surprise some Stellas by popping into their sessions with them for about a week or so!" Shogo lights up, and it's honestly adorable . "They'll be willing to pay well seeing as it's kind of promotion for the both of us, and considering how popular the place is I'm sure it will be a good opportunity."
"Ehhh~?! Wait, that actually sounds pretty fun!!" Toma exclaims. "We should talk it over with Aoi and Kantaro. We haven't done that sort of activities for a long time now, getting to interact with the Stellas in such a situation."
"Right? That's why I felt like responding right away but– ah… sorry. I began to talk about work again." Shogo dipped his head in light apology, taking the mug from Toma.
"No, don't worry about it. It sounds like a good opportunity. A special variety spot like that is su~per exciting! But like I said, work time is over. I got the bath ready for you while you were responding to some emails." Toma said.
"Eh?! Really? Is it okay for me to go first?" Shogo asked.
"Which one of us takes the longest, Shogo?" Toma asks him, a grin on his face. "Come on. You should know by now."
"Ah… Yeah, I guess you're right. After I finish this tea, I'll hop in… Thank you." Shogo moves over and kisses Toma on the cheek, making him giggle.
"You're welcome." Toma replies, kissing him back. It makes Shogo smile wide and curl a bit into himself, and it makes Toma almost giddy.
It's been just over half a year since they finished settling with the old agency, and at first they had counted themselves lucky to even escape with the same group name. However everything sort of began to fall nicely into place, and VISTY's current state is something Toma couldn't be any more proud of.
It's been a bumpy ride, and the first couple of months were difficult– it took them a while to get organized and figure out a system to work on, not to mention having Shogo finally move out of his parents' home and in with him. In that time he's seen Shogo grow into something like a "proper adult," all these little things that just began to hit differently once the two were on their own without living in a dorm under the agency's thumb or watchful eyes.
Since Toma first met him in that board room assembling them all together as the first version of VISTY, and all the way up until now, his love for Shogo has only grown– even with all the struggles and arguments they've had since becoming independent. But Toma knows that such things are integral to a relationship, and he's come out of the entire experience only more devoted to him.
To him, Shogo is something of a true beauty. He's really become his own person. This was no longer the same insecure-looking boy he had met two years ago in that board room. Shogo smiles so genuinely, his eyes sparkle, his carefully cultivated natural skill and talent have made him into a true idol. The thing Toma has spent so, so long chasing after.
Before he's realized it, they've become stars that shine brightly, side by side.
"... Toma? Is there something wrong?" Shogo asks. He's looking at him, and Toma realizes he must have been spacing out just looking at his pretty face.
"... Ah! It's nothing! Just thinking…" He says with a smile. "... We've really come a long way, huh?"
Shogo nods. "... And there's still a lot more to go."
"I'll be with you all the way." Toma leans against Shogo, still with a smile on his face. "... Ah! That's right. Your bath! Hurry before it gets cold."
"... Oh! That's right. I'll hop in now…" Shogo finishes off his tea and puts down the mug, then gives Toma another kiss. "I'll come grab you when I'm done."
"Mhm. Then we should get some rest." Toma nods. "We'll do a debrief about the variety show spot during tomorrow's meeting, yeah?"
"Sounds good." Shogo gives him a thumbs up as he rises from the couch. "... Alright, I'll be back"
Toma watches as Shogo walks off to the bathroom. As he closes the door behind him, Toma sinks into his place on the couch, his hand feeling the warmth Shogo left behind. His smile grows.
… Yeah . I'm the only person who can follow Shogo to the very end. My bright, and beautiful idol…