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When a person dies, their memories are wiped away and their soul is taken to be reborn into the next life. However, there are also times when the person recalls their last life, whether unlocked from a trigger or their memories coming in the form of dreams.
It was the only explanation Cyno had when he woke up gasping for air from yet another dream.
He glanced over at the clock, the characters ‘4:35 AM’ bright and mocking. He groaned, tired at having been woken up far too early for work and far too late to go back to sleep. He could barely remember what he dreamt, only feel the lingering effects of a nightmare-yet-not.
Cyno was tempted to grab his phone and drop a message to Tighnari. Talking to him always made him feel better and his friend said that he was always welcome to talk to him about it regardless of the time. However, he knew that his friend was still asleep at this time and he did not want to wake him up… So the phone was left on the table beside his bed.
He spent the rest of his time tossing and turning on his bed, unable to go back to sleep. Everytime he shut his eyes, he could see the vestiges of his dreams at the corner but not once was he able to grasp hold of it. They continued to remain annoyingly out of reach and Cyno was feeling the irritation by the time dawn broke.
The rest of his day was spent in a daze. He was tired, almost on the brink of exhaustion. He could no longer hide his deteriorating condition from his colleagues and he most certainly could not hide it from his friend.
“Maybe you should take a break, go on a vacation. Maybe go to a different country for a change. I heard Liyue is nice at this time of year,” Tighnari suggested after taking a swig from his drink.
Now that was a good idea. It had been a long time since he took a vacation, a long and proper one. “Maybe I should…” he said instead as he mentally made plans for his upcoming vacation.
“Remember to bring back souvenirs!”
That night, when Cyno fell asleep, he dreamt of yet another memory of his past. However this time, the dream was clear.
He was standing at the balcony of an inn and by his side, there was a person. But when his eyes gazed upon the familiar figure, he could not make out the features of his face nor could he recall his name.
(He knew him, he knew that person so why could he not remember?)
The two gazed out upon the land of Liyue, the country the familiar stranger protected. The person by his side spoke to him and he laughed. He felt something, an unknown feeling growing the longer he watched him.
(Happiness? Fondness? Love?)
“I’ll come back to you soon,” he said to him as he opened his arms, a silent invitation that the other accepted.
“I’ll await your return,” he said as he let himself fall into his arms. The two embraced each other, letting the warmth of their bodies chase away the cold night air.
“For how long?”
“Forever if need be.”
Cyno woke up to emptiness.
His chest hurt and the tears refused to stop flowing. He missed him so much even though he never met him before in this life. Was his past lover still waiting for him? Bound to a promise of ‘forever’ and never knowing when he would be freed?
Or perhaps he too had forgotten just as he had.
He told Tighnari the next morning when he dropped by for a visit.
“This can’t be a coincidence,” his friend said with worry and concern. “I’d advise you against going but I think your mind’s made up.”
“Sorry,” Cyno apologised, “but I need to get to the bottom of this.”
Tighnari sighed but nodded in understanding. “I don’t like it, but I get it. Come on, get to packing. Did you remember to bring your essentials?”
“My TCG deck is already packed in.”
“I don’t mean that!”
Cyno departed for Liyue the following week. He took a bus to the border, watching the scenery of the overgrown forest passing him by as he leaned against the window. What was Teyvat like in the past? Did his past self walk this same road to Liyue or did he take a different one?
It was not long before the forest gave way to stone and concrete. The bus came to a stop and the passengers disembarked. Cyno was last, having sat near the back of the vehicle. When he exited, he breathed in, taking in the scent of the foreign land. Already he could tell the difference between Sumeru and Liyue.
Where his home country smelled of forest and sand, Liyue smelled of stone and metal.
(Too rigid, too unyielding. Then why was he drawing comfort from it?)
He heaved his bag over his shoulder and made his way to the border checkpoint. Hopefully, he would be able to find a cab and make it to a place to sleep before it got too dark.
By the time he made it to Liyue Harbour, the sun was setting and he barely managed to find a hotel in the metropolis. The city was huge, far too easy to get lost in and Cyno was not envious of the people living here. He threw his luggage on the ground, only opening it up to grab a change of clothes. He needed something warmer for his travels to stave off the cold of autumn in the country of stone. Sumeru was always too warm and humid for anything colder than a rainstorm. Compared to Liyue, the rain was far too warm. There were times he would be caught off-guard by the cold wind blowing in from Liyue when he travelled near the borders and he would be amazed each time by the difference between both countries despite being neighbours. The first time he saw snow, he spent a few minutes staring in awe before he rushed indoors to grab a jacket.
(There was something familiar about snow, as if he had seen it before despite never once setting foot near the borders prior to his job.)
He took a shower and dressed up before departing from his hotel to grab a bite to eat. He made his way to the famous Wanmin Restaurant with plans to order takeaway and eat in his hotel room. As he browsed the menu, his eyes caught sight of a dish.
“Almond Tofu,” he read out. There was something familiar about the dish, as if he had eaten it before. It was also a dessert, not something he would eat for a main course and he was not planning on indulging himself this early in the trip. Yet… that feeling of nostalgia…
He ended up buying it.
After finishing his dinner, he took out the container of Almond Tofu from the fridge and opened it. He took a bite, savouring the sweetness of the dessert.
“Tastes like dreams,” he said to himself and he froze. Those words were not his own, but uttered once by someone he knew from a bygone era. He knew those words and the person who said it, but their name remained infuriatingly blank. It was at the tip of his tongue but the words were far out of reach.
That night when he slept, he dreamt of Sumeru. He was resting under a rock, letting the shadows cool him down in the desert heat. There was a light whoosh behind him and he turned around, unsurprised to find his lover. Cyno stood up and ran over. The two embraced before Cyno pressed a kiss on his lover’s cheek, as his usual way of greeting him.
“Liyue’s a little far from here,” he said after he broke away.
“Thought you might like something cold in the desert,” his lover said, taking out a chilled box to give to him.
Cyno opened the box, smelling the sweet syrup drifting out of it and inspecting the Almond Tofu inside with a few Mist Flower Corollas on top of it. He closed the box and smiled, “Thank you, you didn’t have to.”
“I wanted to.”
They sat down on a large boulder, shoulder-to-shoulder as Cyno slowly ate the Almond Tofu. He cracked jokes in between bites and the man would laugh at every one of them. It was not long before the dessert was gone and the box empty of food, leaving only the Mist Flower Corollas behind.
“Thank you for the meal,” Cyno said as he returned the empty box.
“The Traveller made it.”
“But you brought it to me. So thank you. You didn’t have to, but I’m glad you did.”
When Cyno woke up, it was to the sudden craving for Almond Tofu. Despite having eaten the dessert just last night, he wanted to eat it again. Was it because he wanted to chase the happiness of the past or was it because he wanted to believe it would help bring him closer to the source of his dreams? He could still taste the sweet dessert on his tongue, whether it was from eating it yesterday or the one in his dream, and he wanted to taste it again. Do they make Almond Tofu this early in the morning? There was only one way to find out.
The longer Cyno stayed in Liyue, the more he dreamt about the lover of his past life. Yet, they were but all glimpses of a life he never experienced in this present, of a past from an era bygone. Was he still the same as his past self despite death having torn him away from a lover he never knew? Was his lover still alive? Cyno hoped not, it was heartbreaking if so. To live forever and watch as his love died over and over again. It was torture, a special kind of torment that could only be inflicted upon beings cursed to eternity.
That was why gods should never seek out love for it would only shackle them to despair.
However, despite all the dreams he experienced thus far, he still could not figure out who this lover was. Not what he looked like nor his name. It was as if there was something stopping him from remembering fully, as if a warning not to tread any further.
(But he had to know, he needed to know.)
After breakfast, he boarded a bus and departed from Liyue Harbour, slowly making his way northwards towards Mondstadt. He had a reservation at the famous Wangshu Inn and he intended to check out the sights as much as possible before the day ended.
He looked out of the window as the bus slowly climbed up the mountain road. He could see the entirety of Liyue Harbour, a bustling metropolis home to millions of people, both humans and illuminated beasts. Was it the same in the past when the Archons still ruled over their people? Was his past lover living in this city as well? Somehow, Cyno doubted that.
He took a nap as the bus continued to trudge onwards — a few minutes of rest, an hour max, yet the dreams of his past continued to haunt him as he bordered on the edge of sleep.
“Sumeru City is very different from Liyue Harbour,” his lover said as he leaned against him.
“It’s pretty obvious I think.”
“Not about how it looks but the feel of it. Sumeru City feels alive, compared to the city of stone. It’s not a bad thing for either city, just different.”
“Then which city do you like more?”
“Liyue is my home but Sumeru is where you are.”
“So?”
“I like both equally, but I like you more.”
“Flatterer,” Cyno said with a laugh. “Who’s been teaching you how to say that?”
“...The Traveller. They lent me a few books.”
“Of course it’s them. I’ll have to thank them later then.”
Cyno’s eyes snapped open and he leaned away from the window. Yet another memory of a life he never experienced. He sighed and leaned back against the window as he processed the dream he saw. Was it another sign, a step closer to the truth? Then how far was he to the end? How many more memories must he witness until then?
(He wished that it would quickly come to an end but at the same time, he wished that it never would.)
The bus came to a stop at Wangshu Inn and Cyno disembarked along with a few other passengers. The inn was ancient, having been built just around the time when the Archon War ended thousands of years ago. Yet, the inn still thrived despite its age and it expanded as time went on. The large sandbearer tree that held the inn atop still lived and was still a wonder to admire.
“Legends say that Rex Lapis built this inn for his adepti before he moved to Liyue Harbour,” a tour guide said and Cyno could not help but overhear. “One of the famous adepti, a yaksha, the Conqueror of Demons, used to live in this very inn for centuries before his contract with Rex Lapis ended at the Geo Archon’s retirement. However, for one week every year, he would return to this inn and it’s said that catching sight of him would bring good luck.”
The Conqueror of Demons? For some inexplicable reason, the name resonated with him. It was as if he knew who the person was, who that person could possibly be. It could only be one person, and it hurt to know that he was still alive.
For how long did he live and for how long did he search? Was he still searching? Was he still holding on to their accursed promise?
Break away, be free. He said to his past lover who could not hear him. Yet the shackles of promise bound him to a love that no longer existed, and at the same time persisted. But what was a love from a life gone to someone born anew even if they shared the same soul?
(Was it still love when he had yet to love at all?)
That night, when Cyno fell asleep, he was drawn into a new dream. He dreamt of Wangshu Inn in the past, before it became what it is today. He dreamt that he was standing on the balcony, leaning against the railing and listening to the sound of the flute playing above. The Conqueror of Demons was sitting on the roof, playing the flute with his eyes closed, as if oblivious to the audience of one listening to him.
Beautiful. The yaksha would disagree with the description even when it was Cyno who would say it, even when the word itself was spoken over and over again. Yet, Cyno would continue to tell him how beautiful he was, how beautiful his melody was, how beautiful the scene was. Over and over, again and again, until the end of time.
(And he did, over and over, again and again, until he could no longer.)
Cyno woke up to the feeling of longing, of wanting to hear the melody of the past — of a time he never lived but at the same time did. He wanted to go back to that time, to experience a life that he once lived but never had, to fall in love but never did, to tell his lover sorry for binding him to a promise more cruel than the curse of immortality.
Forget about me. He wanted to tell the yaksha. Forget about the love they had, forget about the promise they made, forget about everything they shared with each other, forget about the man he loved because death took everything away and there was nothing left.
Or perhaps he already did. Perhaps he had already forgotten all those years ago and Cyno was only remembering the memories that they had both forgotten.
Was it hypocritical of him to tell others to forget when he was the one who forgot?
He spent the rest of the day in a daze, lost in the confusion of his memories as the ghost of the melody from his dreams whispered in his ears. It was fortunate he was on vacation and not on his job with the way his feet carried him to nowhere, with how he drifted without a destination in sight. People paid him no mind. Those who did would only throw a worrying glance as he wandered around. He passed shops and crowds, walking aimlessly until his stomach growled in hunger. He should not have skipped breakfast but at least there was a way to fix this, unlike the turmoil that ran rampant in his mind.
Cyno made his way to the closest food stand, only to stop in his tracks when he saw a shop selling TCG cards. The cards for sale on display were used in the current meta and Cyno had a copy of every single one of those cards. However, it was not the cards that were predominantly displayed at the front he held interest in. It was the card displayed in a picture frame, one that was not for sale. It was a card that was completely out of production, far too old and most likely one of the few cards that was first produced when Genius Invokation TCG was in its infancy. It was a rare find but no one would use that card when there were much better cards out there. It was still a legendary-tier collectible, perhaps even higher than legendary. Yet, it was not its prestige that drew his attention, but the design on the card. It was familiar, as if he had seen the sight of it before.
A memory flashed through his mind and Cyno winced at the suddenness of it. It was a memory of the Conqueror of Demons fighting by his side against an onslaught of monsters, an almost exact image of what the design was on the card.
“I will protect you.” The voice was so clear in his head, as if he was there in the moment — his back to his lover and the monsters crying for blood all around him.
“Not if I protect you first,” he said to the memory, uncaring of the strange looks he got from passersby.
The memory was gone as quickly as it came and Cyno was tempted to chase after it. However, he knew that no matter how hard or how far he ran, he could never grab hold of it. So he let the memory flow away as his chest hurt at the loss.
He stepped into the shop before he could stop himself, and approached the counter where a woman was sorting out cards into boxes.
“Excuse me,” he said, drawing the woman’s attention. “I would like to buy a card.”
“Oh? Which one?”
“The one in the picture frame. I know it’s not for sale but I… I really need that card.”
The woman stared at him in surprise, as if not expecting to hear someone talk about that card.
(Or was it because of the desperation in his voice?)
“It’s not for sale,” she said and Cyno could feel the cold despair seeping into his skin.
“Please,” he begged. “I need that card. I’ll pay any amount.”
“Why?”
“Because…” Why? Why did he want this card so badly? Was it because it was a connection to his past? Was it because of the person on the card? “Because I loved him once.”
The woman stared at him with a mixture of emotions on her face and Cyno wondered if she would call him crazy and kick him out of the store. Eventually, she sighed and walked out from behind the counter to where the display was.
“The card once belonged to my great-grandma. She was an avid card player and collector. She also liked to duel with people in Genius Invokation but there was one person she could never beat. That person had that card in all of his decks even though it never worked well with his deck. After her final tournament, she asked him why he had that card in his deck and he told her, ‘Love’. A month after that conversation, my great-grandma fell in love. She thought it was a sign and framed a copy of the card after her wedding. It fell into my hands after she passed away, so when you said those words, it reminded me of her.”
“I’m sorry—”
“No, there’s nothing to be sorry about. It’s been a long time and she had a peaceful death. You can have the card, it’s not like I can sell it for any amount. No one would buy it anyway.”
“I can’t do that! Please let me compensate you!”
“Ah… In that case… Maybe buy one of the cards that I do have for sale?”
Cyno left the store with a stack of cards but the one he held currently in his hand was the card with the Conqueror of Demons on it. His stomach growled but he could not care less about food right now. However, his stomach growled again and the hunger pains were starting to hit him.
His feet took him to a food stand, a simple stall selling grilled skewered items. He ordered a few items, just enough to tide him over until dinner. His body hungered for food but he did not feel the urge to eat.
He returned to his room with the bag in his hand. The bag was thrown onto the table and the man let himself drop onto the bed.
Half a day gone and he was already exhausted.
His stomach growled again and Cyno forced himself to stand up. He grabbed the first skewer in the bag and placed the food in his mouth. The overwhelming taste of oil and fish flooded his taste buds and at the same time, a memory of his past surfaced to the forefront of his mind.
“You brought food? For me?” the Conqueror of Demons asked as he stared at the wrapped package in his hands.
“I’ve been learning some Liyue recipes from the Traveller.”
“Learning? For me? I… You shouldn’t…”
“I wanted to.”
“Then, thank you. Do you want to share? This is too much for me to finish alone.”
“Of course! Let’s find a place to sit first.”
Cyno blinked and he was brought back to himself in the present day. The half-eaten Grilled Tiger Fish was still in his hand but all he could think of was the memory of the yaksha. How many meals had they shared back then and how many more were they meant to share after?
He took another bite, chewing as he caught glimpses of his past again. Liyue held too many of these memories and he had yet to comprehend most of them. He was in the present but the world kept forcing him to look into the past. What was he meant to see? What was he meant to feel? He felt lost and trapped, like the world was trying to pull him back when he was only trying to move forward. He would take a step, only to be slammed by yet another memory he never had in this life.
Do you remember? No, he did not. Can you remember? No, he could not.
Yet, he did remember the past as fragments of a broken mirror reflecting a self he could not recognise. He did remember parts of his previous life as pieces that crumbled away in his hands which left him feeling emptier than before.
Make it stop! He begged the world, but his pleas remained unheard as did all of the words he said to his lover.
He should never have left. He should never have come to Liyue.
Cyno lay down and slept after his meal. His dreams were filled with the same — his past life and never his present, of what had been and what could never be.
“Would you still love me even when I’m gone?” Cyno asked, tearing his eyes away from the mystical sight of Sumeru City at night.
“I would,” the Conqueror of Demons said without hesitation.
“You shouldn’t. You’re not human, you will outlive me.”
“It won’t stop me.” The words were spoken with the same conviction his golden eyes held.
“Why?” Why love a mortal? Why love someone who could so easily break his heart? Why love someone like him?
The Conqueror of Demons sighed, a tired sigh that spoke of his age and experience. “I have lived a long time, thousands of years. I’ve seen so much war and death but I’ve only ever given my heart to one person. On the day that you leave and return my love to me, I will bury my heart with you so I can find you again in the next life.”
When Cyno woke up, the sun had set and it was past time for dinner, but he could not bring himself to move. The words from his past lover still lingered in his mind and in some way, he could finally understand the love they had for each other.
He could say, “You deserve better.”
His lover would reply, “That’s why I chose you.”
And when their positions are reversed, the words remain unchanged. At the same time, did he still deserve the love despite the torment he caused to his lover? It would be better to forget, easier if they both forgot.
His stomach growled again and Cyno forced himself to get up, if only to order room service.
After dinner, Cyno began planning what he wanted to do for the rest of his vacation. He knew that he wanted to find the Conqueror of Demons. And when he did… What should he do? There was so much he wanted to say to him, so many things he wanted to say but not the words he could use to convey. Then what would the Conqueror of Demons say in return? Would he blame Cyno for the torment of a promise forgotten? Would he walk away with unspoken words? Or perhaps confess that he no longer remembered?
His imagination preyed on his fear and fed him countless endings of how it might go poorly. What-ifs, so many what-ifs, and Cyno knew that it was merely a product of his fears and anxiety. He felt exhausted again. This entire vacation was exhausting and he was only a few days in. There was just too much information he needed to process and the memories of his past life were also weighing heavily upon him.
As Cyno struggled to sort everything, the sound of a flute cut through his thoughts. The melody was soft, the person playing the instrument a far distance away from the inn, but in the quiet night when almost everyone was asleep, the flute was loud. However, it was not the strange phenomenon that drew his attention but the melody being played. It was familiar.
His feet carried him out of the door before he even realised it. He ran out of his room and outside. The cold night air was freezing against his sweat-laden skin but Cyno did not care. He needed to find the source of the melody. However, he was unable to pinpoint the direction, let alone the location. And so he was left standing in the middle of the empty street, listening to a familiar song overlapping with the melody in a long forgotten memory until it ended and silence reigned again. He returned to his room, heart emptier than before as the crushing weight of failure settled on his shoulder.
When morning came, Cyno woke up early, determined to find the Conqueror of Demons. The song last night was proof that rumours of him were true. But for how much longer would he remain?
He set off to gather information about the Conqueror of Demons. He was not about to run off blindly into the unknown. Liyue was far too big to search by himself and the location the inn occupied was a sizable area to search alone. If he heard the flute last night then it stood to reason that someone else must have heard it as well. However, no matter how hard he searched or how many people he asked, no one seemed to have heard the song played last night.
Cyno returned to his room with yet another failure resting upon his shoulders. Was he not meant to find him? Were they not meant to meet? Were they simply not meant to be anymore? Just when he finally decided to find the Conqueror of Demons, just when he wanted to reunite with his past lover again. Why? Why?
His dreams were filled with trepidation, a sense of foreboding that there was something bad that was about to happen and there was nothing he could do to stop it. He was in the body of his past self as a passenger, trapped and unable to see past what he was forced to see.
He was moving across the sand, walking with a destination in mind. Eventually, he found his target in a camp surrounded by enemy soldiers who were easily dispatched by the lightning and thunder he summoned. He stepped forward towards his target as they scrambled back in fear. Then there was an explosion and he was flung back.
Pain.
That was all he could feel. The all-encompassing pain. He tried to move, to get away from the pain but he was held back. He was forced to look down, at the spreading blood on the ground, at the metal protruding out of his body.
He wanted to scream as the pain slowly consumed him, but his voice remained muted. He wanted to look away but he was forced to see this nightmare from start to end. He was forced to watch as his past self died slowly and painfully. He watched as he died alone with no one by his side.
(But someone did come, someone he did not want witnessing his impending death.)
Cyno woke up with a name on his tongue and tears falling down his face. His heart was thundering in his chest as the pain of his death slowly faded away, leaving behind cold fear and numbness. There was nothing he could do but remain on the bed as he tried to force himself to breathe through the panic, nothing he could do as he tried to stop the ever-flowing tears. He could only lay in bed, slowly breaking into pieces until dawn broke.
When he finally found the strength to sit up, he forced himself to stand on trembling limbs, almost falling when his legs immediately gave way. He managed to catch himself before he hit the ground. He fell back on the bed, sitting on the edge as he wrapped his shaking hands around himself in a mockery of a hug. He wished Tighnari was here, he always knew what to do when the nightmares became too much for him.
His hand reached out for his handphone on the side table, almost dropping the device when he brought it over. It took a few tries to select Tighnari’s contact and the call button but he eventually succeeded. His friend picked up the call after a few rings and before he could get a word in, Cyno said, “I dreamt of my death.”
Tighnari was silent on the other side and the seconds that ticked by felt like minutes. Eventually he spoke, his voice full of concern and worry, “Do you want to talk about it?”
The dam broke and Cyno described the nightmare from start to end, how he felt the sense of dread before his death, the pain of his demise, and finally the cold numbness of his life fading away.
“You should come back to Sumeru,” Tighnari said after Cyno finished telling him everything. “Liyue is hurting you, you shouldn’t suffer anymore like this.”
“I… I can’t. I have to find him.”
“After all that, you still want to find him?”
“I have to, Nari.”
There was a sigh on the other side of the phone. “I understand. I don’t like it but I understand. I hope you get the closure you seek, but if you don’t come back home in a week, I’m going to look for you.”
They talked for a while longer, nothing about Cyno’s dreams of his past self or the memories that had been springing up the longer he stayed in Liyue. Eventually, the line went silent after Cyno bid his friend goodbye and he was left staring at his phone screen. He looked outside, surprised to find that the sun was at its zenith. He felt bad for Tighnari, for forcing his friend to listen to his troubles. He would have to make it up to his friend when he returned. Maybe he could pick up a few souvenirs from Liyue on his last day?
He wandered around the area near Wangshu Inn, walking about with no purpose in mind. Yet, in his head, his thoughts were filled with the knowledge that he knew how to meet with the Conqueror of Demons. The name was still sitting on his tongue and he wanted to say it, to shout it, but when the yaksha himself arrived, what was he to say to him? What did he want to say to him? Years of dreaming, of watching memories that belonged to a past long gone… There was so much to say and at the same time, nothing at all.
Cyno sat down on an aged wooden bench and he watched the people walk past. He wondered if there were still any gods left since the last Archon stepped away from their position. Mortal men and immortal gods, what was the difference between the two? Their age? Their mortality? So why then were two people on different sides able to love each other? It was better if the immortal gods were to forget the fleeting lives of their mortal lovers. It was better if the mortal man would forget their immortal lover who would far outlive them. It would hurt less for everyone and no one would have to suffer the pain of loss over and over. It was better so why did it hurt to forget? Why was it that he no longer wanted to forget?
He opened his eyes, unaware of when he closed them, and he looked up. The stars were beautiful as they sat beside the brightly shining moon. He had seen this view so many times in his past life together with the Conqueror of Demons and he never once tired of the same view. Was his lover watching this view as well?
The streets were empty and void of people, a sign that Cyno should return to his room. As he stood up, the piercing shrill of a flute cut through the silence, freezing him in his tracks. The note changed and flowed into a melody, a familiar song that Cyno knew and loved in a life bygone. But where? Where was he? Where was the Conqueror of Demons? Where was Xiao?
“Xiao!” The name fell out of his mouth before he could stop himself, the single word interrupting the song and silencing it. Yet, as the minutes went by, the yaksha never responded to his call.
Did he forget their promise or was Cyno no longer worthy of using his name?
“Xiao!” Cyno shouted, uncaring if he woke someone up with his loud voice. “Don’t ignore me!”
There was a faint whoosh behind him, making Cyno turn around to face the person. Xiao stood there, unchanged since the day he fell in love with him, unchanged for a thousand years since the last time he saw him. And yet… This was the first time Cyno had seen the look of anguish on Xiao’s face.
“Cyno…?” the yaksha said, his voice cracking as though it had been a long time since he spoke. “You’re… alive?”
“Xiao… What happened to you?”
He looked broken. It was as though he shattered to pieces and was glued back together, whole and cracked, flawed and never to return to what he was before.
He looked tired, as if he had never slept for so long, as if he feared to sleep at all. His hands shook and his legs trembled as he reached out to Cyno, only holding back from touching him as though he feared the contact between them.
Time had been merciless just as death had been cruel.
This was his fault. Xiao managed to survive wars and the cruelty of others, only to break apart at the shackles of promise that Cyno bound him to. If only he had forgotten about him, Xiao would never have turned into this.
“You… You can’t be real. It’s been so long, you can’t be real,” Xiao said as he choked on his voice and on the unshed tears.
“I’m real,” Cyno said as he reached out and grasped Xiao’s hand. “I’m real. I came back. I’m real. I’m here”
“Cyno…? Is it really you?”
“It’s me.”
“I… I finally found you? You came back? Really?”
Cyno pulled his broken lover into an embrace, letting the physical contact be the proof that Xiao needed. He felt Xiao’s hands move to return the hug. They remained in place, unwilling to let go, as if they both feared that the other would leave as soon as they did.
“I’m sorry it took me so long,” Cyno said to Xiao as the latter tightened his embrace.
“No,” Xiao breathed as he pulled away so he could meet Cyno’s eyes. “No. Don’t apologise for what is not your fault. It doesn’t matter how long I waited. Even if we did not meet today, I will continue to wait for you and search for you for as long as it takes, forever if I must.”
“You should have forgotten about me.”
“Never. I promised you that I would find you again in the next life and I did, I kept my promise. Why would you ask me to forget when I succeeded?”
Because it would have been better than letting himself fall apart for a promise that might not even be fulfilled. Because it would have been better than seeing him become like this. Because it hurt to know what Xiao gave up for him when this was never what he wanted for the yaksha in the first place.
“But to see you like this!” Cyno exclaimed as he shoved the yaksha away. “Look at yourself! The promise we made to each other turned you into this! I never wanted this for you, I never wanted you to become like this. I—This is my fault, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Xiao. I shouldn’t have made you promise that.”
He fell to his knees, no longer having the strength to hold himself up. He closed his eyes and waited for Xiao to hit him, to push him away, to leave and forget about their promise and love, but when he felt warm hands wrapped around him, he opened his eyes to Xiao embracing him.
“I’m sorry,” Xiao said, his voice still cracking from disuse. “I’m sorry. I… I was so focused on finding you that I stopped taking care of myself. I failed to realise how much it would hurt you when I finally found you. I… No, I shouldn’t make any more excuses. Tell me Cyno, is it… Is it already impossible for us?”
Was it already impossible for the two of them? Did their love die the day death tore them apart?
Cyno wanted to say yes. He only knew Xiao from the glimpses of his past, memories in the form of dreams and nightmares. He knew about him and at the same time, almost nothing at all. The immortal being standing in front of him was the love of his past life, someone he once held dear, but to the current Cyno, he was a stranger who held onto the past and was unable to move into the present.
But even as he wanted Xiao to forget about their promise for his own good, Cyno’s heart yearned to be reunited with the love he lost all those years ago. The memories of his past, though not whole, were enough to paint the picture of what their relationship was like back then. It was also enough to revive the feelings death had taken alongside his memories.
It was enough to help him remember how and why he fell in love with Xiao.
Love transcends beyond borders. Those were Xiao’s words to him once. They were idealistic, surprisingly so when it was Xiao of all people who said it. Back then, Cyno wanted to ask if the borders meant the one between the land of gods or the one between the living and the dead, but he held back. The reason behind his hesitation was gone now, lost in the past where his returning memories could not be retrieved, possibly forever unless he gained the ability to turn back time.
“Love transcends beyond borders,” Cyno said as he pulled both himself and Xiao up to their feet. “Impossibility is but a border separating idealism from realism. Can love transcend impossibility?”
Xiao stared at him in confusion and Cyno allowed himself to meet the yaksha’s lips with his own. There were no thoughts, no preemptive move behind it, merely instincts leading the way. The kiss was quick, the contact short, but Cyno needed to clarify the intentions and meaning behind his words.
“Xiao, forget about the promise we made, forget about the past. Do you love me?”
If Xiao had yet to push him away then Cyno knew what the answer was. Yet, there was still a part of him that argued otherwise, attempting to convince him that it was impossible, that it was too late, that there was no place for both of them in the present and future.
“...I do.”
“Do you trust me?”
“I always do.”
“Then forge a new promise with me.”
Xiao straightened up at that, his eyes widening in surprise before softening when he realised the unspoken answer to his earlier question.
“Promise me, promise on our love that you will never subject yourself to pain and suffering to uphold our vows to each other. If I was the one in your place, would you be happy? So Xiao, promise that when the time comes, don’t wait for me anymore. Move on with your life. Your happiness matters more than our promise. In return, I promise that no matter where you are or how far you are, I will always reach you. Love transcends borders and I am proof of that. You don’t have to go to me because I will go to you. Even if we both forget, I will find you and we’ll love each other again.”
“I… How? I don’t know if I will be able to.”
“Then we’ll find out together.”
“...Stay by my side, please.”
“I’ve never left. And also…”
“Also?”
“Your heart, you never gave it back to me.”
Xiao looked at him in confusion before his expression morphed to one of realisation followed by broken laughter. His voice was hoarse and tears fell from the corner of his eyes before the sobs finally came. Cyno pulled Xiao into an embrace and let him cry over his shoulder.
“I forgot,” Xiao said, voice barely above a whisper. His body trembled in Cyno’s arms as he let out another sob. “I had forgotten.”
“But you remembered.”
“I did.”
When the tears finally ran out, both Cyno and Xiao were exhausted. Dawn was a few hours away but Cyno was just about ready to sleep and never wake up. His hand held Xiao’s as he pulled his lover to his room in the inn. He fell onto the bed, pulling Xiao down with him. They cuddled, letting their touches be the proof of their affection. Xiao was still holding back his touches, as if fearful of shattering this fantasy. However, Cyno would kiss him, hold him, and Xiao would finally let down his guard if only to return the favour.
Sleep was tempting now and it was far too difficult to resist it. He tried because he feared that if he closed his eyes, he would wake up alone again, that everything was but a dream created from his longings and desires. Yet, as he gazed upon Xiao’s face and felt the warmth from his hand on his own, the yaksha already asleep after the heavy weight of a promise held for a thousand years was finally lifted, it felt real.
He needed to tell someone while this was all still fresh on his mind.
Cyno turned over to grab the phone he tossed on top of the side table earlier and took a picture of him and Xiao. He sent it to his friend, Tighnari, before tossing the phone back. He turned back and pulled Xiao closer to himself before closing his eyes and falling asleep.
“Cyno…? Why is your phone vibrating so much?”
“Mmm, just go back to sleep.”
“Okay.”