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They had been laying on Sand’s bed for a short while now. In complete silence. A silence so loud it was nearly deafening. Time seemed to be standing still in the worst possible way. Eventually, Ray gathered some courage to say something.
“Hey,” Ray felt as though his voice was way too loud for some reason, but he kept going nonetheless. He needed to say something, anything . “Don’t listen to what Ton said. If there’s something you want to know, you can ask me.” His throat felt as rough as sandpaper when he spoke – the result of too much alcohol mixed with the anxiety that had been spreading through his entire body after what had gone down in the living room just moments ago.
Sand turned his face towards him, looking at him without saying anything. It was as if he wanted to say something that he knew he wasn’t allowed to say to Ray. As if he was unbelievably disappointed in Ray. It was as if someone had put a heavy weight on Ray’s chest. And Ray knew this wasn’t the first, nor the last time he would see this expression on Sand’s face caused by him, which was why he needed Sand to say something. Being yelled at would be better than feeling like a disappointment, once again.
“Sand,” his voice was pleading now. He gulped down the anxious lump that was forming in his throat.
Finally, Sand averted his eyes, looking up at the ceiling once again, as though looking at Ray made him feel sick. “Forget it. I’m tired,” Sand took a breath in between his words, sounding exhausted. “One more thing. This has nothing to do with me.” His voice was thick with something else though, something akin to regret and an underlying sadness. It was as though someone had stabbed Ray with a dagger and, unfortunately, had missed the vital organs by a hair’s breadth.
The dagger inside Ray was twisted even further when Sand turned his body away, leaving Ray with the view of his back. Another pleading “Sand” escaped Ray’s lips, but he knew the conversation was over. The back he had spent studying before, getting lost in admiring the countless moles that peppered Sand’s skin, the same back that had felt warm and smooth beneath his fingertips countless times before now seemed cold and almost hostile.
Sand seemed so far away now. Ray didn’t know if it was the alcohol and the weed, or just the feeling of clearly not being welcomed in this once inviting bed anymore, but when he reached out it felt as though he was moving in slow motion. An eternity passed before his fingertips finally brushed against Sand’s shoulder blade. And although his mind seemed too cloudy to form any coherent thoughts, Sand’s name had escaped his lips once again.
Sand hummed quietly in response. As Ray’s fingertips touched his back, he was unsure whether it was his fingers that were shaking slightly or whether it was Sand that was trembling. Suddenly Ray felt that they were too far apart. He turned so his body was facing Sand’s back. His hand smoothed down Sand’s back and in this moment, Sand seemed impossibly fragile to him. As though, if Ray wasn’t careful enough, Sand would break into a million pieces beneath his touch.
He moved closer to the other, his hand remaining on the same spot, not to scare Sand away even more. Instead, he carefully nuzzled his face against Sand’s nape. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath in, inhaling all of Sand. Something about his scent had been soothing to Ray from the beginning.
“Sand,” he muttered, “I’m sorry. Please.” He didn’t really know what he asked for. But Sand was still trembling slightly beneath his fingertips and he wanted to make it stop, comfort him in a way. Make things better.
He felt helpless, as always. Angry too. Not only at Boston, but also at himself. Why did he always end up being the reason people around him got hurt? He pressed his body closer to Sand’s as if that would change anything, as if that would make Sand forgive him and forget what had happened.
After some time, what felt like another eternity to Ray, Sand started moving against him. Ray didn’t dare to open his eyes just yet. Though, when he felt Sand’s breath against his face, he couldn’t withstand the need to open his eyes.
Again, Ray didn’t know if he was hallucinating, but the moonlight made the other’s eyelashes seem as though they were glistening in the darkness, eyes a little damp. Hesitantly, Ray reached up, fingers brushing against his cheeks to make sure that he was hallucinating. That he hadn’t pushed Sand, the person who appeared to care more for him than the people he called his friends, into feeling like this. It was more than only regrettable for him to realize that it wasn’t a product of his imagination. Before he could say anything or move his tentative fingers away from the dampened cheek though, Sand caught his wrist.
“What are you sorry for? I told you that this doesn’t concern me,” said Sand finally.
“Sand.”
“Stop saying my name,” although Sand’s voice was nothing but a mere whisper, his words were still laced with anger. The grip around Ray’s wrist tightened a little, as he added “You didn’t do anything, so drop it.”
“Why do you sound angry then,” Ray muttered back although he knew the answer to that. He wanted to believe Sand’s words desperately, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that Sand didn’t believe them himself. As Sand’s grip around his wrist loosened a little, Ray moved his hand back to caress his cheek lightly, his thumb slowly rubbing away the remainders of what he had caused.
“I know you said this doesn’t concern you, but…” he trailed off, having to avert his eyes from Sand’s strong gaze. “But you are still allowed to be angry, you know? I’d rather you be angry at me than indifferent.” Before he said those words, he hadn’t known that it was actually the truth. Someone like Sand, someone that felt warm and caring at all times, had never been indifferent towards him. Even when he had been a drunken stranger at a bar who picked a fight with him. He also knew that it was unbelievably kind of Sand to let him lay here next to him in his bed, instead of kicking him out. He had started to crave this kindness and mistakenly started to take it for granted because he had never shown him any other side of him. So, hearing Sand say that it didn’t concern him hurt more than it would to hear him say that he was an asshole and a burden to society.
But Sand just looked at him without saying a word. Ray noticed that, despite the situation, the expression he was wearing was still open and honest. With a genuine face like this it was almost as if Sand was speaking to him without having to use any words at all. Despite himself, a small smile tugged at his lips.
“What are you smiling about now,” voice a little softer now with the previous anger still lingering, Sand reached back up to hold onto Ray’s wrist. He hadn’t noticed, but his thumb was still rubbing slowly over Sand’s cheekbone. Maybe because it was kind of soothing. Not only to Sand but also to himself.
Ray almost replied that he was smiling because of him, because of his honesty and sincerity and warmth. But he stopped himself. He had started to be incredibly cautious of his words after experiencing regret and pain countless times before, because he had been too careless with them. Besides, he didn’t want to make a promise to Sand he wasn’t going to be able to keep. Not because he didn’t want to but because he just wasn’t capable of it. Of being there, being loved, loving properly.
Instead he simply shrugged his shoulders, hoping Sand would not ask further. And he didn’t, because he was Sand. He just sighed deeply and for a moment anxiety arose in the pit of Ray’s stomach, scared that the other would turn his back on him again. He couldn’t deal with a cold shoulder two times in a row. Even though he knew it was unfair of him to demand anything from Sand in this situation, Ray desperately needed him right now, needed him to stay with him. So, he was relieved when he felt Sand’s thumb stroking the tender skin of the wrist he was still holding in place.
They stayed like this for a while, looking at each other. It was kind of unbearable to look into Sand’s eyes like this, but for some reason he also couldn’t get himself to look away or close his eyes. There was honestly something bittersweet about all of this. About them. Because somehow, he knew that Boston was right about them. But he didn’t want to admit it to himself, because something within him couldn’t let go of Sand. Although they hadn’t known each other for that long, it was as though Sand could already read him better than his friends. Admittedly, that was also the part that scared him, the part where Sand was not too far away from knowing him better than Mew did.
Before he could fall any deeper into the endless hole that his thoughts created, Sand spoke again, “You should look for new friends, you know that?”
At that, a breathy laugh escaped Ray. “Well, I’m trying, aren’t I? You are one of my new friends.” It came out hopeful, more like a question than an actual statement.
“I’m your new friend. Singular. Who else is there?” A small smile played on Sand’s lips now, voice barely more than a whisper. And on any other day, Ray would have teased Sand or maybe even feel upset about the fact that he was right. There was no one else. But on that night, in Sand’s bed that sort of had become a safe space to him, he was glad that Sand was the only one and still willing to remain that. To bear with him. And even if that wasn’t actually the case, he was more than glad to believe a lie if it meant more time.
“Hm… you are right,” he muttered back. “There is only you.”
After a long while of staring at one another without saying much really, Sand drifted off to sleep and Ray followed him soon after. That night, he was dreaming of a lifetime where he wasn’t messed up. A lifetime where he could make promises that could be kept easily. A lifetime where Sand was more than just a new friend, maybe.