Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The greatest thing Abby Clark had ever given Evan Buckley was his daughter, Aurelia, or as he affectionately called her Lia. 

If you had told him when he had first moved to LA to be a firefighter that almost five years later, he’d have the most beautiful daughter, he’d have laughed in your face. Buck wasn’t meant to be a father, he was reckless, running head first into danger, not stopping to think of how he could be hurt, or how he could die. He didn’t even know how to be a father, he didn’t have one of his own. But he wouldn’t change it for the world

Lia was the best parts of him, she was the greatest thing Buck had ever done. She was born in the pit of his worst trauma, and sometimes she was the only thing that kept him going. Lia made living so much easier, eased the hurt inside of him, even though he knew it was unfair to put that weight on her tiny shoulders. 

He lived for the tea parties, the barbies, hell he even lived for the tantrums, even though he was so sure he could do with a few less of those. He lived for the “I love you, Daddy” and the sloppy cheek kisses. He lived for the random drawings that covered his fridge, lived for the hours of learning to braid hair just to keep her strawberry blonde curls out of her face, lived for the “Daddy, Emily said I looked weird so we’re not friends with her anymore,” so now he had beef with this four year old and her dad, and he lived for screaming Frozen songs, and Taylor Swift at the top of his lungs in the jeep.

He loved Lia. He’d die for that kid. Lia was his best friend.

When he had Lia, his parents weren’t around. They didn’t like Abby, they didn’t like his job, didn’t think he was responsible to raise a child. And as their child, he could understand where they were coming from, but as Lia’s father, he could never forgive them. 

He could understand Abby’s need to get away when Lia was born, she had just lost her mother, but he’d never forgive her for leaving him, for leaving Lia. He was so sure she was coming back to them, so sure of it, she promised. But phone calls became less and less frequent, emails stopped being exchanged, his texts were left on delivered for weeks.

And then when Lia was two, the papers came in, and he destroyed his- Abby’s - apartment in grief, and anger. She was giving Lia up, giving him up, she wasn’t coming back. He left the apartment in shambles, grabbed his daughter, and ran to Bobby and Athena’s. Athena took Lia as Buck sobbed in Bobby’s arms, unsure of how he was supposed to do this on his own, he had no idea what he was going to do.

Bobby gripped his shoulders tight, and ordered Buck to look at him.

“You’re going to be okay, kid.” And Buck wanted to scoff, he was fucked up, he was dangerous to himself and to other people, he wasn’t going to be okay, and neither was his daughter. He was going to mess her up. “No, kid, I’m serious. You will be okay. You’ve been doing it on your own. Nothing will change. You’re a great dad, kid, I promise. Me and Thena will be here with you every step of the way.”

Bobby’s right. He had been doing it alone, but he had got through the day, convinced himself that he wasn’t messing up by telling himself that it wasn’t long until he wasn’t doing this alone, that Abby would be home any day. He doesn’t have that anymore, so he has to adapt, for his daughter.

They move out of the apartment, and Buck meticulously decorates Aurelia’s room just how she asks for it, they settle into a new routine, and he pretends his heart isn’t breaking as Lia asks for her mother, and neither Buck nor Abby is able to provide her with what she wants.

It gets better with time.  He doesn’t think about Abby that much unless it’s related to Lia, and he pretends like she doesn’t exist. 

He does a lot of that these days, pretending. Pretending that his heart doesn’t crack when Lia calls Bobby Pops, wishing his parents weren’t missing out on his amazing child. He pretends he can’t hear the questions about Lia’s mom, pretends he actually cares about this calendar at work, because it’s important, and he should want to be in it. But he doesn’t, all he wants is Lia’s nightmares to stop, he wants to be able to sleep, he wants to stop fucking up.

But he can’t articulate that, can’t put it out in the universe, he can’t risk losing his daughter, so he listens to Bobby and Chim rib on him, listen as Chim turns around and practically chokes.

“That’s a beautiful man.”

“Where’s the lie? And I like girls.” And Buck turns around, and a noise gets caught in his throat. That is a beautiful man, and it’s the last thing Buck needs right now, but he can’t stop himself from asking.

“Who the hell is that?”

Chapter Text

“It’s Eddie Diaz. New Recruit.” Bobby said, as if that’s enough of an explanation for Buck’s world completely turned upside down. “Graduated top of his class just this week. Guys over at Station Six were dying to have him, but I convinced him to join us.”

“Okay, but what exactly do we need him for?” Buck asked, and he knew he sounded whiny, knew he sounded childish, but he couldn’t help it. 

“He served multiple tours in Afghanistan as an Army medic. Guy’s got a Silver Star. It’s not like he’s wet behind the ears. Come on, I’ll introduce you to him. He likes to be called Eight Pack.”

Okay, no, no Bobby, that’s the last thing you should do right now. I do not need to meet him, Buck thought, rolling his eyes as Hen talks about his Silver Star, and Chim hits him kinda hard in the stomach.

“Better drop some more body fat there, Butch.”

He stays behind as everyone introduces themselves to the new guy, he knows he looks like a dick, but he’s not risking it.

It seems like only moments later, the alarm rings, and Eddie’s sitting close to him in the engine. He resists the urge to groan out loud, and tries to scoot as far away as he can.

“So Silver star, huh?” Chimney asks. Buck tries not to think about murdering Chimney.

“Yeah,” Eddie says, and when he doesn’t elaborate, Chim’s looking at Buck like he’s supposed to do something about it. Buck shrugs and keeps his face impassive. The less that Eddie says the better.

“What? You save a platoon or something?” And Buck glares at Chim, a face he’s picked up from Lia’s latest tantrums, it is pretty scary, if he does say so himself.

“No, no, nothing like that.” Eddie says. “It was uh, just a convoy.” Chim turns to Buck once more and Buck stares at the top of the vehicle. 

“So Eddie, you hear about the hot firefighter calendar?” Hen asks, and Buck shoots her a betrayed look, which she just responds with a grin. 

“I’m sorry, the what?” Eddie laughs. 

“It’s for charity!” Hen says with the fakest smile Buck has ever seen.

“That’s not what you were saying this morning,” Buck says, with a laugh. “Something about it being called that idiotic, reductive, sexist calendar that insults the dignity of this organization and futhers the myth that all firefighters are males.”

“That’s better than what you were calling it, you kept saying the whole title like The Hot days, Smoldering Nights: Men of the LAFD wall calendar.”

“Yeah, yours isn't any less words.” Buck said with a whine. “Yours is a whole ass paragraph.”

Laughs scatter around, before the engine falls silent. Bobby turns around and fixes him with a look, a look that says he better play nice and get to know the new guy, or Bobby would be returning his daughter all hopped up on sugar.

“So is your full name Eduardo?” Buck asked, even though he doesn’t actually care, he just wants a normal bed time tonight, and when Eddie turned to look at him, it felt like he could hardly breathe.

“No.”

“Do people ever call you Diaz?”

“Not if they want me to respond.”

“Something’s got to give. We got… we got Cap, Hen, Chimney, Buck. We can’t just call you Eddie,” Buck says as if it's the dumbest thing in the world for Eddie to be called Eddie, and if he’s being honest with himself, it probably is.

“I can’t tell if he’s being serious or not,” Eddie says. 

“I like to always operate under the assumption that nothing he says or does is serious.” Chimney laughs.

Buck grumbled, lightly shoving Chimney’s shoulder, and Bobby turned around and looked at him with a grin. Buck responds with a disgruntled eye roll. 

They arrive at the call, and the dude’s all blown up like a balloon. Bobby starts barking out orders, and Buck takes the time to examine the nozzle. 

“It’s a hundred pounds per square inch of air pumped through his entire body.” And everyone turns to look at him as if he’s grown two heads. “What? I can read, you guys. Chimney’s lying when he says I can’t.”

“Whatever you say, Buckaroo.” Chimney sends him a wink.

“Breathing’s shallow, hearts racing. Air filled his stomach, his chest, even behind his eyelids. I’m more concerned about the space around his heart and lungs.” Hen calls out, her stethoscope pressing into Hector’s chest.

“Okay, Eddie start a nasal cannula. Chim, get him some morphine.” Bobby orders.

“On it,” Chim called, kneeling beside the guy, before letting out a groan of frustration. “It’s like trying to inject a needle into stone.”

“The pressure’s pushing everything out,” Eddie says, and Buck uses this momentary distraction to study him. “I can’t even get air through the nostril.”

“Jugular venous distention, tachycardia, hypotension, diminished breath, we’re looking at tension pneumothorax.” Hen calls out, glancing at Bobby with a worried look. Bobby nods and turns to him.

“The air pressure is collapsing his organs. We need to get in there to drain the fluid. Buck, I need you to get a 14-gauge angiocath. We need to start decompressing the pleural cavity”

Chim hands him what he needs and he kneels beside Eddie. The faint woodsy scent of his cologne filled Buck’s senses. He took a deep breath, and blinked.

Come on Buckley. Get your head in the game. This patient needs you.

“Want me to help?” Eddie asks. And just like that, moment over.

“I got it,” Buck snaps, lining the tube where it needs to be.

“I’d go lower.” Eddie replies, and Buck has to bite his lip hard from snapping back Well I didn’t fucking ask you, now did I?

“No,” he argues. “Second intercostal space. Midclavicular line.”

“The chest wall is thinner at the fifth intercostal.” Eddie explains, almost as if Buck is a child, and it makes his blood boil. “At the anterior axillary line. There’s a decreased chance of injuring any vital organs. I’ve treated guys with collapsed lungs in combat.”

“Do it,” Bobby tells him and Buck wants to groan. 

“Please, “ Eddie asks, and Buck hands over the tube. “Thank you. Can you help me out with his shirt?” And Buck’s nimbly working on each button. He watches as Eddie pokes the hole in Hector’s side, and they all wait, holding their breath, as Hector takes a breath.

He’s working to put his gear up while they load Hector up in the ambulance, and Bobby calls out.

“That was a good call, Eddie.” Buck walks past him and his shoulder thumps into his. 

“Yeah, good call.”

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By the time he gets home from the shift, he’s tired, he’s hot, he just wants to shower and take a nap before he has to go pick up his daughter. He has a nice date waiting for him in the form of his bed. 

But, of course, the universe has never been kind to Evan Buckley.He walks into his apartment and can immediately tell something is off. He drops his bag quietly, and his fingers close around the baseball bat he keeps lying around for this reason. 

He glances around, almost to assure himself that it’s not Aurelia in the apartment, that she didn’t come home early, and the truth presented itself rather quickly. The clothes thrown on the floor of his bedroom were too big to be Lia’s and Lia definitely would not have opened a bottle of wine. 

He walks quietly to the bathroom, throws open the shower curtain, ready to swing, when his sister’s face comes into view. He drops the bat and quickly covers his eyelids.

“Mads, what the hell?”

“Damn it, Evan, don’t you knock?” His sister gasps, and Buck wants to scoff. She snuck into his apartment, and wants him to knock?

“ Me ?! You’re asking me if I knock in my own house? What are you even doing here?!”

“Well, I was in town, and I wanted to see my little brother.” Maddie asks if that’s enough of an explanation, and if they weren’t in a really weird situation, he’d definitely make her elaborate. 

“Well you did,” Buck tries to make a joke but it falls flat. “Um yeah, I’m just gonna, bye.”

He busies himself making food for the two of them, and when Maddie finally comes out of the bathroom, he sets the food in front of her.

“So anyway do you think you can unsee that?” Maddie asks.

“Unsee what?” Buck responds, sending her a small smile, before frowning for a moment. “How’d you get in here anyway?”

“I told the building manager I was your sister.” She says, with a shrug, reaching out for a fork and her wine glass.

“And he just believed you?” Buck asks, making a mental note to write a long scathing email later. He had a child, he couldn’t have strangers just being let up into his apartment, whether they were his sister or not.

“Well, having boobs doesn’t hurt.” Maddie laughs, and Buck shrugs. He supposes it does. 

“How’d you know where I lived anyway?”

“Well, first I went to the place where the christmas cards keep coming from, and the guy said you were here.” And Buck makes a mental note to cuss out Connor when he gets the chance, before coming aware of something Maddie says, that makes something ache in his chest. 

“Wait, so you did get those christmas cards?” He asks, and his voice sounds small. Maddie must’ve noticed it, because she reaches over and squeezes his hand.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch much lately.” Like that makes it all okay. 

“Five years, Maddie, five. I haven’t heard from you in five years, Maddie, I have a child now, I’m a whole adult, I have a full time job and and a life and everything, and you’re not even a apart of it.”

“I know and it’s not what I wanted.” She says, and a frown adorning her face. “Besides, where is my niece? I want to meet her.”

“She’s away,” Buck says. “She’s supposed to be coming home soon, I should ask Bobby if he can go get her, and keep her for the night.”

“Why?” Maddie whined. “It’s not like I’m a stranger, I’m her Aunt Maddie.”

“Yeah, her aunt Maddie who she's never met. She doesn’t take well to strangers.” That’s a lie, Lia takes so well to strangers, a little too well if Buck’s being honest, everytime she talks to one, it gives him a heart attack. No, he’s keeping her away for his own selfish reasons. Aurelia is his, LA is his, the 118 is his, those things are not tainted by the memory of his parents, not tainted by Maddie just leaving. He was happy here, or as happy as he could get with Eddie Diaz being all in his space. Besides, he and Lia couldn’t handle another person leaving them, it almost broke them the first time. “Where is Doug, anyway?”

“Don’t know, don’t care.” Maddie says, and alarm bells ring off in his head at the way she seems to fold into herself when she answers.

“Did you leave him?” He pries, trying to get any more information, no matter how little.

“Finally,” And the alarm bells ring even harder, there’s a lot of red flags here and he doesn’t know how to address it without her freaking out.

“Geez, Mads. Come on, what took you so long?”

“What can I say? Mom was right.” And Buck knows, he can feel it in his bones, that that statement must hurt her. “And please don’t tell them. If they call. I don’t want anyone to know I’m here.”

Buck doesn’t have the heart to tell him he cut them out when Lia was born, and hasn’t spoken to them sense. 

“It kinda sounds like you’re hiding out.” He frowns. 

“No,” Maddie says, in a way that almost sounds guilty. “More like lying low. So what happened to you? Because this place is nice, and clean, and you just cooked me food, actual food. Is there a shallot in here?”

Buck laughs, and grabs his wine glass, settling beside her on the couch.

“Yeah, having a kid will do that to you. I might thrive on chaos, but my child does not, no ma’am. If there’s even one hint of a mess, she’ll have the biggest tantrum I have ever seen. My boss at work is like Guy Fieri, he’s been teaching me to cook ever since that one shift where I had no one to watch Lia, so I had to take her to the station, and she told Bobby she was tired of eating Ramon noodles. We haven’t made it past breakfast though.”

Maddie nods, before looking around. He knows she’s taking in the pictures of him and Lia, him with the 118, Lia with Bobby and Athena, and knows she’s probably looking for Lia’s mom.

“Where’s Lia’s mom?” Maddie asks, and Buck swears for one moment that he can read minds. 

“She’s in Europe.” Buck says, his tone not giving much away.

“What’s she doing in Europe?” Maddie asks, and Buck should’ve known she wasn’t going to let this go.

“The whole Eat, Pray, Love experience,” He says. “Although, I don’t exactly know what that means. She was in Ireland, now she’s in Italy. Or at least she was, last time we talked.”

“You don’t talk a lot?”

“No,” Buck says. “She had just lost her mother, and Lia was just turning one, and she kept telling me how much she needed to find herself, about how she needed to do this trip, I kept saying no, you know, because with my job, Lia would’ve had to be stuck with a nanny or a day care, and I wouldn’t be able to parent her by myself. But Abby just kept talking about it, and talking about it, and I could see she was miserable, and that’s the last thing I wanted, so I helped her book the tickets, and she left. She was supposed to come back. But a year passed, and papers terminating her custody to Lia came in. It took me weeks to get ahold of her, and she just basically confirmed what I already knew, she wasn’t coming back. It’s been two years and it’s hell to even get her on the phone to talk to Lia.”

“Oh Evan,” And he blinks away the tears that spring up as he hears the sympathy in Maddie’s voice.

“Oh, well,” He says. “It is what it is, I’m happy and Lia’s happy, and that’s all that matters. You didn’t come all the way from Pennsylvania to hear me trauma dump on you anyway, I’m sorry, my bad. Anyway, this is your first time in LA.Gonna hang around, see the sights a little bit?”

And her sad smile confirms what he already knew, and he’s suddenly glad he didn’t have Bobby bring Lia home.

“I’m just passing through.”

“Listen,” He says, forcing a smile. “Even if you are just here for a few days, uh, welcome to LA. It was getting pretty lonely around here.”

And they clink their glasses together, and he tries to pretend like he doesn’t see the haunted look in her eyes.

He tells her to take the bed, and he takes the couch, hoping, and praying with everything in him, that he wakes up and his big sister is still here.

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He blames his cranky mood the next morning on his uncomfortable couch, and he makes a mental note to buy a new one. There’s no reason a couch should be wreaking this much havoc on his back. 

He has a little free time before his shift and decides to hit the workout room, maybe it’ll get him out of this funk. He’s in the middle of his set when Eddie walks in, and the sight of him in that tight tanktop and sweats almost makes him drop the weights. 

Eddie begins this fancy dance with the punching bag, and Buck unable to help himself, goes and adds more weight to his bar. He sees Chim give him a funny look, but Buck has gotten pretty damn good at ignoring Chimney. He pulls out his selfie stick to take a before and after picture, before Eddie is opening his damn mouth again.

“You’re in the wrong light man,” And it gives Buck a thrill, knowing Eddie must be looking at him.

“Some of us don’t need lighting to look good,” he says in response. Eddie doesn’t say anything and Buck is enjoying the quiet. Or least he is, until Chim asks Eddie what he means about the light.

“Light in this room is flat and blue,” Eddie says, like that makes any fucking sense. The light in this room is definitely not fucking blue, Buck would know, he isn’t colorblind, although Eddie certainly might be. “Makes you look soft. If you want to look lean, and muscles to pop, You need warm, side light, I’ll show you. These are the pictures I sent in for the calendar.”

And now it’s Buck’s turn to make an excuse to walk by them, to catch a peek. Call him a hypocrite all you want, but there was no way he was going to leave today without catching a peek of Eddie’s firefighter pictures. The man was hot, he had eyes, okay? He’s only human.

“It’s, uh, kind cheating,” Buck says instead of doing something stupid like just blurting out to Eddie that he’s hot. “Submitting pictures by a professional photographer.”

“The photographer’s 12,” Eddie laughs. “My niece, she’s a master at the iphone filters.”

“Your niece did this?” Chim asks. 

“Yeah.” Eddie responds, putting his phone back into the pocket of his sweats.

“You think she’d be willing to take my submission pics for me? I’ve been told I photograph like an Asain Fabio.”

“Sure she would, yeah.”

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.”

And Buck really doesn’t mean to come off like a dick, he doesn’t mean to hurt Chimney’s feelings but he can’t help it. He’s jealous of the way Eddie just seems to fit, and it took him months, years even to get that way.

“You know,” he says. “You really shouldn’t get his hopes up like that. No offense, Chim.”

“None taken, Evan. ”

“Buck,” Buck snaps back, hating the way Evan sounded in Chimney’s mouth, like it was a dirty word, like his parents used to say that. He goes and puts his weights down, and when he next looks up, Eddie is so close to him, he has to blink a couple times to bring him back into focus.

“What’s your problem, man?” And Buck just stares at him, like is he really doing this here, but as Eddie doesn’t move, and his gaze doesn’t falter, he begins to realize that he is really doing this here. Buck stands up, and Eddie doesn’t move. There’s hardly any space between them and Buck doesn’t want to think about how one wrong move and he could end up kissing Eddie.

“Okay. You. You’re my problem. Your comfort level. You’re-you’re not supposed to just walk in here like you’ve been here for years. It’s meant to be a getting-to-know-you period. You’re meant to respect your elders.”

He gets momentarily distracted as he sees Eddie bite his lip, although his quickly brought out of his thoughts by Chimney’s smart ass remark.

“He’s not your elder Buck.”

“Fuck off, Chim.” Buck turns to go off on Chim next before Eddie’s next words caught his attention.

“Look, I, in no way, meant to be too familiar or step on anybody’s toes. I know you’re going through some personal stuff right now.”

“What personal stuff?” Buck asks, dumbly, frowning.

“I know your girlfriend recently broke up with you and you’re coming to terms with that.” And there it is, the cloud, even two years after Abby gave up him and Lia, she was still hanging around, still making him feel like shit. Buck doesn’t think but he places his hands on Eddie’s shoulder and shoves. 

“Buck!” He hears Bobby snap, and Buck is breathing so hard, he’s not sure he’s able to get get the words out.

“He brought up Abby,” He says, or tries to. He supposes he should be grateful he didn’t mention Lia, because if he brought up Lia, there’s no uncertain terms of what Buck would’ve done. “Who told him about Abby?”

‘Look,” Eddie says, seeming not at all phased that Buck had pushed him. “I’m just saying I hear you’re a good guy, and I’m sorry you’re going through pain, but you don’t need to take it out on me, or be threatened by me. We’re on the same team.”

He takes a step forward at Eddie’s words, but Bobby holds him back.

“Why would I be threatened by you?”

“Exactly,” Eddie smiles, and Buck can’t help but think it’s kind of a weird smile and he prefers the other one instead. “There’s no need to be, we do the same thing. I’ve just done it with people shooting at me is all.”

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The next call, they attend, Buck is surprised, but not in a good way. The whole house is covered in war artifacts from different eras, the floor is covered in military rations, and Buck is confused about how someone could live like this. Maybe his daughter’s cleanliness is rubbing off on him after all. 

“Some kind of militia nut?” Buck asks, still glancing around, there was so much to see. 

“Seems like it.” Eddie responded.

“Shh,” Bobby says. “I can’t tell where that sound is coming from.”

Bobby pushes through the door, and immediately the three of them get to work.

“Can you tell us what happened, Charlie?” Bobby asks, and not for the first time, Buck finds himself grateful that’s one of the first questions they ask, because he really wants to know.

“Damn grenade went off while I was taking it apart.”

“Why are you taking apart a grenade?” Eddie asks, as Buck tries his best not to give Charlie the look he gives his kid when she’s doing something stupid.

“I was cleaning it, I’m a collector.” So he is some kind of militia nut. That explains his house.

“Did you pull the pin?” Buck asks, feeling the adrenaline slightly hit.

“No, it ain’t that kind of grenade,” And Buck feels himself relaxing, looks like there isn’t a chance of him getting blown up today. “It’s a 40-mike-mike. A practice round for an M203 grenade launcher. I picked it up at a flea market in Brea, part of my ‘Nam collection. My screwdriver must have touched the propelling charge. I…”

“Alright, “ Bobby says interrupting. “I see metal. A lot of Shrapnel. Femoral artery has been nicked. We’ve got to get him transported now.”

And suddenly they’re moving, they have time limit, any moment now he’s going to bleed out.

Bobby alerts dispatch and then turns to him. 

“Buck, I want you to travel with him to the hospital, and keep him stable.” Buck rolls his eyes, takes a glance at Eddie and sighs. 

“Copy that, Cap.”

“Look,” Bobby says. “I know what he said earlier upset you, and I’ve had a long talk with Chimney about sharing things that aren’t his to share, but you got to learn how to play nice, Buckaroo. It’s one team.”

He goes to respond, probably something smart, but Charlie interrupts him. 

“Hey, Nash, am I gonna be alright?”

“My boys have got you,” Bobby says, as Buck starts to climb into the ambulance. “But you might want to consider switching to collecting baseball cards after this.”

The doors shut quickly behind him, and Eddie starts barking orders like he’s done this before, although Buck is pretty sure he has.

“I guess you’ve seen a lot of shrapnel wounds.” He says.

“My share,” Eddie says, sounding a little confused, as if he doesn’t know where Buck is going with this, and if Buck is being honest, he’s not too sure where he is either.

“Ever seen a guy with a length of rebar stuck through his skull?”

“What are we measuring here, Buck?” Eddie says, giving him the side eye. Buck doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t know. “Need to change those dressings, they’re soaking through. Hang in there, Charlie, we’re almost there.”

“I’m just saying,” Buck says, as he grabs new dressings. “Working the streets of L.A. is not exactly stress free. May not be the same kind of pressure you have in a war zone, but…”

He lays the dressings on Charlie’s leg and reaches up to grab the medical tape when he hears Eddie exclaim.

“Oh, come on.” Apparently, Charlie took the dressing off his leg, for what reason, Buck had no idea, did he not want them to save his life? “Hold on,”

Buck decides he doesn’t like the look on Eddie’s face, and he really doesn’t like the way this conversation is going when Eddie says.

“I thought you said this was a practice round.”

“It is,” Charlie insists.

“Uh, what’s going on?” Buck asks, freezing in what he was doing, his hand shaking. 

“You see that cap?” Eddie asks.

“Yes?” Buck asks. “What about it?”

“What color is it?”

“It’s gold, Eddie, Diaz, what’s going on?”

“Practice rounds have blue caps. Gold caps are live.” And suddenly Eddie is banging on the top of the ambulance. “Pull over!”

                   ︱⑄︱

“Yep, there she is,” The bomb squad captain says, turning around his tablet for them to see.

“He’s got a live round embedded in his thigh,” Bobby says, in wonder, like this is not actually really scary. Buck did not plan on being blown up today, he had a very impatient four year old waiting on him at home, waiting for the tea party he has been promising her for weeks, and he can’t put it off any longer. 

“Uh, I thought this thing already went off,” Buck said. “How is it still live?”

“The launch grenade has two components,” Eddie answers, because of course Eddie knows. “Gunpowder which makes it travel, and an explosive charge that makes it go boom.”

“Alright, Mr. Know-it-all,” Buck says snarkily. “Why didn’t this one go boom?”

“It’s fitted with a proximity fuse,” Eddie nods at him. “It’s a little smart sensor that tells the cap it’s traveled a safe enough distance from the shooter to explode. From his hand to his leg probably wasn’t far enough.”

“Well, we can’t bring him inside a hospital full of people, not with that still stuck inside him.” Bobby says.

“We called the military for help.” The Bomb squad captain informed them. 

“The military?” Buck asked, incredulously. “Can’t you do it? You’re the bomb squad. It’s literally your job.”

“You can’t defuse a grenade,” The captain says like Buck should know that, like Buck spends his free time blowing shit up. “We need to find someone who knows how to pull that thing out of him without setting it off. They’re sending someone up from Pendleton, should be here within the hour.”

“Wait, wait,” Buck says, turning to Bobby.” He doesn’t have an hour.”

“I can do it,” Eddie offers, and Buck wants to object. “If he doesn’t go to surgery soon, he’ll die.”

“You’ve done this before?” Bobby asks.

“Well no, none of the guys I’ve served with were dumb enough to shoot a live round in themselves, but I’m familiar with the ordinance.”

“Well, I’m in.” Buck says, turning to Bobby.

Within moments, they’re being suited up despite Bobby’s protests. 

“You get that thing out of him, put it in here, and get the hell away from it.” The Captain says, handing Eddie the equipment.

“See you in there,” Eddie calls with a smirk to Buck.

“You know, Buck, you don’t have to do this. You got Lia at home, you don’t have to do anything.”

“Ah, Pops, I’ll be fine.” Buck laughed. “You think I’m going to let the new guy have all the fun? I’ll make it home, I promised Lia, don’t worry. Besides, you wanted us to bond. We might end up real close.”

“How you feeling there, Charlie?” Eddie asks, as he and Buck gets themselves situated. 

“Like a world-class idiot.” Charlie says. “My wife, if she was still alive, she’d be here now saying I told you so. Well, maybe she’ll be able to tell me in person in about a minute.”

“Hey,” Buck says. “Ain’t nobody leaving this life tonight, so you’re gonna have to save that conversation for another time.”

“What branch were you in?” Eddie asks, as he begins to try to grip the grenade.

“I wasn’t. I wanted to be a Marine. I tried to enlist but I was 14F with an enlarged heart, so I spent the last forty years teaching seventh grade.”

“See there Charlie?” Eddie says with a smile. “Not all heroes serve on the battlefield.”

“Well, that’s mighty kind of you to say.”

“You ready?” Eddie asks Buck. Buck swallowed and nodded.

“Yeah. I’m ready.”

“Good, put pressure on that, not too much pressure. Alright, got it.”

“So pull it out.” Buck snaps, trying to control the way his voice shakes. “Come on.”

“I gotta… be careful… the sensor measures the distance traveled based on how many rotations the shell made after the launch. The key is not to turn the shell while we pull it out.”

“Okay, yeah so don’t turn it.” Buck says. “Come on you got this.”

“Gonna have to just… a bit… “ And with that Eddie’s freeing the round, and ordering Buck to get the box. It’s like time stays still as they work through the next phases. They get Charlie out and they wheel him into the hospital and it feels like Buck can finally breathe again.

“You’re badass under pressure, brother.” Eddie says, with a smirk.

“Y-yeah? Me?” Buck asks, feeling his cheeks grow hot.

“Yeah. You can have my back any day.”

“Or… you know… you can have mine.”

“Deal,” And when their hands meet, Buck almost drops it by the shock of electricity. 

“Well done, fellas.” Bobby says, coming to clap Buck on the shoulder, and Buck knows what this is for, knows it’s to see if anything on him is hurt, so he lets Bobby fuss.

“Guys a professional, Cap,” he says. “I wasn’t ever really worried.”

“Well that maybe,” Bobby begins, before a loud boom erupts from behind him. Bobby shoves his head down in panic, and Buck’s ears ring. 

He dimly hears the bomb squad captain to tell them to cancel the robot, as Bobby helps him up.

“Sorry,” Bobby says. “It scared me.”

Buck lets out a laugh, and then a low whistle as he sees what was left of their ambulance.

“So,” Eddie says, clapping his hands. “You guys hungry?”

Buck fixes him with a look, before nodding.

“Yeah I could eat, Bobby?”

“Sure, Thai?”

“Sounds good to me!” Buck says. “Lets hit up that new place. I can’t stay long though, I gotta run home soon.”

And everything is right with the world again.

Chapter Text

Buck wasn’t going to take Lia home to Maddie, as selfish as it seems. He was just going to have Bobby pick her up, and take her home, and he’d come see her at their house. He knew it was selfish, but he couldn’t have her getting attached to Maddie, especially since Maddie was just going to leave anyway.

But Buck had to be honest, he really couldn’t stand one more night away from his girl. So after they ate and Eddie had clapped him on the shoulder and left, he turned to Bobby.

“Listen,” Buck says. “I know I asked you to go get our girl, but I really, really need some Lia and Daddy time, if that’s okay.”

“That’s more than okay, Buck.” Bobby says with a smile, before frowning. “You’ll let me know what’s going with you soon, right?”

“Ahh, Pops,” Buck forces a smile. “Ain’t nothing going on, my sister just stopped in, I just didn’t want to introduce her to Lia if she wasn’t going to stay.”

“You think she’s going to stay?” Bobby asks, and Buck shrugs. 

“I don’t know, but I need to take my girl home and have a tea party, we’ll deal with the fallout later.” 

Bobby nods, and claps him on the shoulder.

“Alright, tell her Pops loves her, and I’ll see you later.”

“I will. See you bright and early tomorrow morning, Cap!”

                      ︱⑄︱

Buck doesn’t have to wait long for someone to bring his daughter out.

“Daddy!” Lia squeals, running over into his legs. He laughed, and gently swung her up in his arms.

“Hi, my love!” He says, smacking kisses all over her face. “What did you do today?”

Lia frowns a moment, thinking before shrugs. 

“I don’t remember.”

“You don’t remember?” Buck gasped, widening his eyes. She giggles.

“No, Daddy.” 

“You ready to go home?” Buck asks. “I’ve got someone who really wants to meet you.”

“Is it Pops?” 

“No baby,” Buck laughs. “It’s not Pops. You already know Pops.”

“I know, but I love Pops. Can we go see him tomorrow? I miss him.”

“I’ll see what I can do, Pops said to tell you he loves you.”

And Lia nods, like that’s the most common thing in the world, and for a moment his heart hurts for his younger self. Besides Abby, Lia has never known rejection, she’s loved wholeheartedly. And even though this is all he’s ever wanted for his daughter, he still feels a little jealous. 

“Daddy.” Lia’s voice brings him out of his thoughts, and judging by the set of her eyebrows, and no nonsense expression she picked up from Athena, this is not the first time she has said his name.

“I’m sorry, baby girl, what is it?” He asks, putting her in her carseat and buckling her in. 

“I said, who’s at home?”

“Do you remember Daddy telling you about his sister?” 

“Yeah! Aunt Mads… Aunt Madney.” He laughs. 

“Close enough, sweetheart, but it’s Maddie.”

“Aunt Maddie?”

“Yeah! She’s at home. She’s visiting for a few days, and she’s excited to see you.”

“Is Aunt Maddie nice, Daddy?” Lia asked.

“Yeah, Aunt Maddie is the nicest ever.” Buck promised. “You’ll like her, I promise.”

“Okay, can we listen to the light song now?”

“Yeah baby, we can listen to the light song now.” Buck said, turning on Daylight by Taylor Swift.

My love was as cruel as the cities I lived in

Everyone looked worse in the light

There are so many lines that I've crossed unforgiven

I'll tell you the truth, but never goodbye

                      ︱⑄︱

He unlocks the door, orders Lia to put on her pajamas, and drops his keys off by the table near the door. 

“But Daddy!” She huffs, and Buck can hear the upcomings of a tantrum. “I want to meet Aunt Maddie!”

“You will, baby, you will. You just gotta go get your PJs on first. Alright?” 

Lia puts her hands on her hips, and studies Buck as if she’s trying to see if she can argue against this and win. She must not like the answer she comes too because she runs to her room. Buck sighs, and walks into the living room, freezing slightly when he sees Maddie’s suitcase all packed in the living room.

“Leaving already?” He asks, trying to keep the bitterness from sinking into his tone. He knew he shouldn’t have let Lia come home to meet her, he knew it, but he did anyway, and once again, he’d be left with the broken pieces of his daughter.

“Road ahead awaits,” Maddie says, like that excuses her dipping out on him again.

“I’m more concerned with the road behind you,” Buck says, taking in a new dent in his wall, and Maddie’s phone shattered on the coffee table. Maddie doesn’t say anything, which isn’t anything new, but Buck’s not willing to let it go this time. Not when his daughter’s all excited in the other room. “Maddie, what really happened with Doug? Why are you running away from him?”

“No,” she sniffs. “I’m not going to bring my little brother into this.”

“Standing in between you, and anyone who thinks they can hurt you is exactly where I want to be standing,” Buck says. “Besides, you came to my apartment, the apartment where my child lives, and I need to be able to protect her. I can’t protect her if I don’t know what I’m supposed to be protecting her from.”

He takes a seat on the coffee table, waits for a moment for Maddie to speak, but she never does.

“Maddie, please, are you in some kind of danger?”

She takes a deep breath, and Buck knows he hit the nail right on the head.

“The stuff that Mom and Dad hated about him, that you picked up on even as a teenager, it all got worse.” Here she pauses, and Buck doesn’t dare say a word, needing her to continue. “Much worse, over the last year or so. And when I threatened to leave, he threatened to kill me. And he meant it.” And Buck can feel his heart breaking, as he looks at her. “I gotta be honest, when women in abusive relationships would come to the hospital, I would pass judgment, you know, like why don’t you just leave him? Now I get it. It’s like you can’t even believe it’s happening.”

“But you broke free,” Buck says softly. “And I’m proud of you. But now is not the time to be alone, so you should stay here. All right? I-I got plenty of room, and Lia would love it if you were here all the time. And hey, if Doug comes looking, then I know a lot of cops, and he will meet the end of my baseball bat, alright?”

“He won’t. He doesn’t know that you live here, he doesn’t know what you do, he doesn’t know about Lia. It’s a real benefit to being married to somebody who doesn’t ask any questions.”

“Okay, well that’s perfect,” Buck shrugs. “You can start over, Mads. I can help you. I can help you get a great nursing job at one of the hospitals.”

“No,” Maddie says, wiping her eyes, and Buck hands her a tissue. “I really miss helping people, but I can’t do that job everyday, looking over my shoulder, wondering who’s about to walk through that door.”

“Okay,” Buck says, slowly. “So you want to help people but not deal with them face to face?” Maddie nods, and Buck smiles. “I got just the job. But first, lets get some dinner, it’s movie night, it’s Lia’s turn to pick but I might be able to convince her to let you pick.”

“Is she here?” Maddie asks, brightening up immediately. 

“She is,” Buck laughs. “She’s in her bedroom getting ready, want to meet her?”

“Yes, yes, I would.” 

“Lia! You ready to watch a movie?” Buck calls. 

The soft pitter-patter of small feet running into the living room announces them to Lia’s presence. 

“Can you braid my hair, Daddy?” She asks, holding out a hair tie. He takes it gently. 

“Yeah, baby, I can. Can you say hi to Aunt Maddie?” Lia nods and turns to face Maddie. Maddie gasps, and covers her mouth, and he knows what she’s seeing. 

Lia is the carbon copy of him. She had his eyes, his mannerisms, the blond curls, the only thing she got from Abby was the red tint in her blond hair. 

“It’s nice to meet you, Lia.” Maddie says.

“You’re Daddy’s sister?”

“I am, I am Daddy’s sister. I’m Aunt Maddie.”

“I’m Aurelia,” Aurelia says. “Aurelia Roberta Athena Buckley, but Daddy and everyone else calls me Lia.”

“Wow,” Maddie says. “That’s a long name.”

Lia nods.

“Yeah but I’m named after Pops and Nana, so it’s okay.”

“Pops and Nana?” Maddie asked him, her eyebrows furrowed. 

“Yeah, Bobby and Athena, you know, Bobby my captain, Athena’s his wife.”

“You named your kid after your boss and his wife?”

“Who else was I supposed to name her after?” Buck asked. “Bobby and Athena have been better parents to me than Margret and Phillip ever even thought about being. They've been with me and Lia every step of the way. Besides, Margaret and Phillip haven’t seen Lia at all ever. I’m not about to just let her have no grandparents when Cap and Athena are right there.”

Maddie nods, and she drops the subject. Buck finishes braiding Lia’s hair and tucks the blanket around them.

“Now Lia, I think we should let Maddie pick what we’re going to watch next, don’t you?” LIa didn’t put up a fight, she seemed content to let Maddie pick, even falling asleep halfway through the movie.

“Alright baby girl,” Buck whispered, picking her up gently. “Let's get you to bed,” She fussed a little before settling her head back on his shoulder, as he turned to Maddie. “You can take my bed again, I’ll take the couch.”

He pushes the door to Lia’s room lightly with his shoulder, walking into a room with fairy lights, dinosaurs, and disney princesses, before laying Lia down gently. He tucks her in, and is just about to kiss her on the forehead when she speaks.

“Daddy?”

“Yes baby?”

“Is Aunt Maddie staying?”

“I don’t know, baby girl, but I hope so. I really hope so.”

“Me too, Daddy, I really like her.”

“You do? I’m glad. Now it’s time for sleep. You got school tomorrow.”

“Night Daddy.”

“Goodnight Pumpkin.”

                      ︱⑄︱

He should’ve known that today would be bad, he was running late to work, having dealt with a tantrum and lots of tears because Lia simply didn’t want to go to school that day, and no sooner had he gotten changed, the bell went off. 

A 6.8 earthquake rocked LA, and it wasn't the only one either. They were all over. 

“No, no, no.” Buck cursed, wanting to throw his phone out the window in frustration that none of his texts are sending. The earthquake must’ve knocked out some cellphone towers.

“You alright, Buckaroo?” He heard Chimney ask.

“No.” Buck snapped. “I can’t get a hold of Lia’s teacher. My texts aren’t going through.”

This causes Eddie to look up from where he’s frowning at his phone.

“Lia?”

“My… um … my daughter.” Buck says, glancing at him, before handing him his phone, a picture of him and Lia at their last zoo trip. “I’m all she has, her mom, Abby, left.”

Eddie shoots him a look at Abby’s name and Buck’s sure he’s remembering that moment in the work out room, when Buck had freaked about Eddie bringing up Abby, and he hands Buck his phone back along with Eddie’s

“That’s my son, Christopher. He’s seven. I’m all he has too.” And as they look at each other, Buck knows that Eddie is feeling the same sense of frustration as he is, knows that worry is coursing through his veins too, and Buck says the only thing he can think of, knowing it won’t be much comfort at all.

“I’m sure they’re fine.They’re at school. They have to be fine.”

“He’s an adorable kid,” He heard Chimney say, before clapping Buck on the shoulder, stopping him from spiraling. “Buckaroo here loves kids.”

“No,” Buck said, with a roll of his eyes, pushing his hand off of him. “I love mine.”

“Do you love kids, Eddie?” Chimney asks.

“I love this one.”

                      ︱⑄︱

They get to the scene and Buck can already tell that it’s bad. The hotel is on its side, and a couple is trying to get back into the building, screaming about their daughter Kat. 

“Have you guys ever dealt with anything like this?” Eddie asks.

“Nope,” Bobby says.

“This is actually a first.” Buck asks, before glancing around at what they were doing. “Oh my god, do they seriously think that that’s going to hold it up?”

“We’ll discuss it later with the incident commander.” Bobby says, leading them away. 

“Heard from Thena, yet?” Buck asks, checking his phone one more time to see if perhaps his texts did go through.

“Haven’t been able to get ahold of her.” Bobby says. “What about you? Maddie? Lia?”

“Same.” Buck sighs, frustrated. “Cell phones are toast everywhere, the system must be overloaded.”

                 ︱⑄︱

“What’s the deal between Buck and Cap?” Eddie asked, watching them talk as they followed Bobby.

“Buck doesn’t talk much about his parents,” Chimney says, looking up at what Eddie was looking at. “You know, he jokes that it’s him and Lia against the world, but I really don’t think he’s joking. I really just think it’s him and his kid, especially you know, after Abby left. Bobby’s taken him under his wing, Buck’s like his kid almost. When a call involves a kid, Hen will check on Denny, you’ll check on Christopher, Buck will check on Lia, and Bobby…”

“Will check on Buck.” Eddie finished for him.

“Yeah, Lia and him both call him Pops. Athena, Bobby’s wife, gets called Nana, if Buck is joking around he’ll call her mom.”

“And no one here questions it? Thinks it’s unprofessional?”

“No.” Chimney says. “They’ve both been through a lot. Why not let them find that family they lost in each other?”

And Eddie can’t find the fault in that logic.

    ︱⑄︱

Bobby goes to respond to him, maybe to reassure him, he has no idea, but Bobby never gets a chance because the incident commander is approaching him.

“Captain. Chief Williams. Incident commander.”

“Captain Bobby Nash,” He says. “How can we help you?”

“Hotel Manager said they were between check-in and check-out when the quake hit, so they were light on guests. We’ve made contact with most of those. Multiple evac operations in progress. All but twelve of the sixty-eight staff have been accounted for. It’s been pretty chaotic.” 

“The family back there said their little girl is still missing,” Hen says. 

“As long as it’s still safe to do so, we will be looking for survivors,” And Buck bristles at the Chief’s tone, insinuating that the little girl isn’t important. As if anticipating how he was feeling, Bobby put his hand on his chest and shook his head.

“What do your engineers have to say?” Bobby asks, and Buck knows that it’s his cue to drop it.

“Looks like we had a brittle failure in the prestressed concrete section of the building’s underground parking garage, causing it to pancake at an angle.” She moves away from the board, going to the building, and Buck can see it’s so much worse than what he first thought it was. “Right now the reinforced steel is the only thing keeping it from completely collapsing. One good aftershock…”

“And the whole building comes down.” Bobby finishes for her. 

“The highrise is supposed to be the safest place to be when an earthquake hits.” Buck mumbled, rattling off the fun fact without a thought, glancing up at the leaning building.

“Not when you’re built right on top of a fault line. This quake was a 7.1. Northridge was just a 6.7.”

“7.1?” Chim asks. “That makes it the largest in SoCal in 20 years.” And Buck groans out loud, because of course it does. Of course it fucking does, because he’s cursed. They can’t just ever have an easy shift, one where he can come home to his kid on time. He swallows hard, determined to not think of how Lia is doing right now, she’s fine, she has to be.

“And the last one was in Joshua tree,” He heard Chimney finish before Bobby asks about the crews they currently had in the building.

“Not enough.” Chief Williams responds. “We’ve put in a request for Heavy Rescue 3, but they’re on their way to a freeway collapse, we can use every hand we can get.”

“Thank you,” Bobby says, as Chief Williams is led away. “Alright now listen, Here’s how you make it to the end of the day. You don’t worry about the things that you can’t do anything about. Focus on one task at a time. I can’t order you guys to go inside that building, and I’m not gonna judge you if you decide not to.”

“You three gotta kid, so..” Chimney gestures to him, Eddie, and Hen.

“Yeah but we can’t all three just not go in there.” Buck says.

“Yeah and I would hope if it was someone’s job to save my kid, they would do it.” Hen says

“Buck, are you sure? I mean you have Lia at home waiting for you, she’s only got you kid.” Bobby asks.

“Yeah, Pops. I’m sure. Besides, if I don’t get up in that building, I’m going to be sitting out here waiting to hear something back from you guys, or Lia’s teacher, and I would be going insane. I have to be in there. I have to do something.”

Bobby makes a face almost as if he wants to object, but he doesn’t. 

“Where do you want us?” Eddie asks.

“Hey! 118! You guys will want to see this.”

                      ︱⑄︱

“We can set up a street side bag in case that window gives,” He can hear Chimney saying as he and Eddie survey their side.

“Buck, would you say that’s the eleventh floor?” Eddie asks, pointing up.

“I would. I bet we could take the ladder to that fourth floor. Cut the distance in half.” Eddie looks at him and nods, and Buck can hear the unspoken words between them.

I got your back and you’ve got mine.

They barely spare Cap the slightest glance before he orders them to head on up.

                     ︱⑄︱

Buck climbs on to the ladder behind Eddie, rattling off random fics, not stopping even as Eddie breaks a window. The random facts make him feel better, reminds him that Lia’s safe at school, grounds him, and he hopes it helps Eddie too.

“After Northridge, FEMA spent two hundred million dollars retrofitting every school in the LAUSD. Ceiling tiles, lightning fixtures. Eddie, our kids are in the safest place they can be.”

And Eddie turns to him, with a smile that’s so beautiful, it almost hurts.

“Thought that was a high rise,” And Eddie proceeds to drop into the window.

Chapter Text

Buck was miserable. He was tired, hot, he had dust in places he didn’t even know he could have, and he wouldn’t admit this to anyone, but he was having an issue trying to keep Ali safe while also watching Eddie’s back. He was worried about his kid, and he could tell, even though Eddie tried to hide it, Eddie was worried about his too. 

“Alright guys, we’re not going to be able to get down this way,” And he barely manages to stop himself from groaning out loud at Eddie’s words and he can tell by the sharp exhale that Eddie excludes that Eddie’s exhausted too. 

“ 118 report.” Bobby’s voice comes through the radio and Buck sags with his relief as he hears his surrogate father’s voice.

“This is Ladder 118,” Eddie says, bringing his radio to his mouth. “Buckley and Diaz, we’re alright.”

“ Buck? ” And Buck squeezes his eyes shut as he grips his radio.

“I’m okay, Pops.” He says. 

Chimney reports in next and they all wait with bated breath as they wait for Hen.

“ Firefighter Wilson. Henrietta Wilson, report.”

And nothing, just silence. Eddie and Buck share a panicked glance as Bobby tries again. 

“Hen! Come in.”

Again, silence. Eddie nods at him, and he knows, they have to press on, even though they don’t want to. He’s beginning to feel claustrophobic in a way, like the walls are pressing into him, and if Ali touches him one more time, he might scream. Eddie looks over at him and it seems like for a moment someone might sense his inner struggle because Eddie reaches over and rubs his neck just under his helmet. He smiles at Eddie, and Eddie smiles back before they keep going. 

He doesn’t know how long they’re in the building, there’s too much dust everywhere to see his watch, but when they’re stumbling outside, and into Bobby’s arms, he recognizes the sun is setting. They were in there all day. 

Bobby’s hands are fumbling, trying to help Buck take off his helmet, his hand ghosting his curls, his eyes frantically searching for something before he pulls back, and his captain mask is firmly back on.

“Hen?” He asks, and Bobby shakes his head. Buck goes and collapses next to Eddie, feeling the exhaustion radiating off his best friend, as he drops his head on his shoulder.

“Service?” he asks, unable to figure out when his speaking ability turned to one word only, and Eddie shakes his head.

“None. Hen?” And it’s Buck’s turn to shake his head. Eddie curses, and stares ahead at the building, and no one says what they’re thinking, that there’s a chance Hen might not come out. Chim is frantic, and Buck can’t say anything to him. 

They wait for what feels like hours before Hen comes stumbling through with the child. Buck and Eddie struggle to their feet and their team is together again.

“What’s up, Buckaroo?” Hen asks, her tiredness showing in her eyes, and Buck squeezes his shut.

“Just glad you’re here.” He whispers, and Hen is pulling them all in for a 118 group hug, and Buck can’t help but think he’s made it home. 

Bobby lets them rest a moment, they only stand back up when they bring the fallen firefighter back out, and Buck places his head back on Eddie’s shoulder. He’s sleepy, he can feel his exhaustion in his bones, and this is the most comfortable he’s been all day, or in a while really. He feels fingers running through his curls, and feels Eddie laugh slightly. 

“Don’t fall asleep, bud. Bobby’s going to have us put away the gear soon.” And Buck whines at that. 

“No,” He muttered. “I’m tired.”

“I know. I know.” Eddie soothes. “But you can’t fall asleep. You gotta stay awake with me to find out if Lia’s okay when we get service.”

And the mention of Lia has Buck sitting up straight, feeling guilty for not thinking about her, and his worry returns tenfold. 

His eyes connect to Bobby’s across the way, and Bobby holds up a phone symbol to his ear. Buck shakes his head, and Bobby nods. 

They wait a couple of more minutes and Bobby gives the order for them to pack up. He stands sluggishly at the truck, and feels his phone buzz in his pants. He pulls it out in a hurry, barely having the time to tell Eddie there's service now, before he’s calling Lia’s school.

“Mr. Buckley,” Her teacher greets him.

“I’m so sorry,” He says. “Service went out, and we’re downtown at a fault line, and it’s just been a really long day. I should be able to get her soon.”

“There’s no reason to apologize, Mr. Buckley. Lia is a wonderful student and I’m happy to watch her while you’re out saving lives.”

“Thank you,” Buck tries to speak over the lump in his throat. “Could I talk to her? If you have time. Please.”

“Absolutely,” Her teacher says, and Buck hears a flurry of movements until his daughter’s voice goes on the line.

“Daddy?” She asks.

“Hi sweetheart,” Buck says, trying to stop his tears. “I’ll be there soon, okay?”

“Are you okay, Daddy?” Lia asks. “Were you saving people again?”

“I was, baby, but I’m on my way to get you now, okay? I gotta see my best girl.”

“And Pops? Is Pops okay?”

“Yeah baby, Pops is great. In fact, he’s right here, you wanna talk to him?”

“Yes, please.” Lia says, and Buck preens at how proud he is of her for using her manners. He hands the phone to Bobby, and watches his tight-pinched worried expression become something smoother. Buck does his best not to listen to the conversation, firmly believing that his daughter deserves privacy no matter at what age, and only tunes back when he hears Bobby saying “Alright, kid, I love you, okay? I’ll see you soon.” He takes the phone back from Bobby and tells Lia he loves her.

“I love you too, Daddy. I miss you.”

“I miss you so much more baby,” Buck says. And it’s true. This day has been exhausting, he can’t wait to just cuddle with his kid. “I’ll see you soon. Okay, bye babe.” 

He hangs up, and Eddie takes the spot beside him once again, and if Eddie notices that he’s wiping furiously at his eyes, he doesn’t say anything. 

“Chris okay?” Buck asks. 

“He’s fine,” Eddie laughs. “Didn’t even know there was an earthquake? Lia?”

“She’s good too.” Buck says, and they share a small secret smile that seems to be only for them. 

Bobby orders them to pack up, and when they get to the station, he stands under the hot water for what feels like ages just not moving. When he’s out and changed, Eddie asks him for a ride home and to pick up Christopher.

He nods. 

“I might have to situate Lia’s car seat,” He says, pulling out his car keys, and grabbing his duffle bag. “Her school is only like ten minutes away, so it won’t take forever, I promise.”

Eddie nods, and they throw their stuff in the back. As they drive, Buck’s finger’s begin to nervously tap on the center console. He isn’t going to be able to calm down until he sees for himself that his daughter is okay. He startles out of his thoughts as Eddie slips his fingers between his and intertwines them.

“Sorry,” Eddie said. “You were making me nervous with the tapping. Figured you could use some support.”

Buck blushed, and swallowed hard, but he didn’t say anything as he turned his eyes back to the road. He almost missed his turn because the intoxicating drag of Eddie’s thumb against his knuckles was distracting. And even as they pulled up into Lia’s school, he desperately didn’t want to let go. 

He hurried into the school and he didn’t fully relax until Lia’s body was colliding with his legs. He lifted her up, and felt his heart finally settle in his chest.

“Hey baby girl,” He whispered, shifting her slightly so he could sling her backpack over his other shoulder. 

“I wanna go home,” she whined and Buck let out a laugh.

“Me too, baby, me too. But first we gotta help Daddy’s friend, and then we’ll go home okay? And if you’re super good, and patient, Daddy will let you have some chocolate milk before bed, and I’ll read you however many stories you want, how’s that?”

Lia thought for a moment, before nodding.

“Deal.” 

He gets Lia buckled up, while she’s talking a mile a minute about what she did today, and how her teacher was nice when they ground shook, and it isn’t until she has to take a breath, and he’s already in the front seat that she notices Eddie.

“Hi!” She says brightly. “Are you Daddy’s friend? Daddy says we have to help you out cause that’s what friends do.”

“I am,” Eddie laughs. “I’m Eddie. You must be Lia, you’re all Daddy talks about.”

“Really?” Lia asks, her eyes lighting up, and Buck just wants to wrap her up in his arms and never let her go. “Daddy, you talk about me?”

“Yeah, all the time, babe!” He says, glancing at her from the rearview mirror. “So does Pops!”

“Pops!” Lia cries. “I love Pops! Eddie, do you know Pops?”

“I do!” And Buck’s heart beats a little faster as he notices that Eddie has given a hundred percent of his attention to Lia as she talks. “He’s my boss.”

“He’s Daddy’s boss too, but he’s just my Pops. He taught Daddy how to cook, so no more noodles!”

“No more noodles, huh?” Eddie fixes him with a look and he rolls his eyes.

“Traitor,” He says. “You weren’t supposed to tell anyone about the noodles.”

“Sorry Daddy,” Lia giggles and she doesn’t look sorry at all. “Where are we going?”

“We’re going to pick up Eddie’s kid, Christopher,” Buck says.

“Christopher?” Lia asks. “Can he be my friend?”

“Maybe, why don’t you ask him when he gets here, babe?” 

“Okay, is Christopher nice?”

“The nicest ever,” Eddie says, turning to look at her. “And if he’s not, tell me, and I’ll whip him up into shape so fast for my favorite girl.”

“Your favorite girl?” Lia asks, cocking her head, and Buck swears his heart stops. 

“Yeah, you. You’re my favorite girl.” Eddie laughs. 

“Really?” Lia brightens again. “That’s what Pops and Daddy calls me.”

“They have good taste,” Eddie laughs, and Buck pulls into the parking lot of Christopher’s school. 

Buck watches through the window at how Eddie interacts with his son, and he feels a pit of longing in his heart.

I want that. I really want that.

But he also knows that the universe never gives him what he wants, so when Eddie gets back into the Jeep, he shoves a smile on his face. He’d just have to settle for this. 

Chapter Text

Buck was unsure of when Lia had begun to call Christopher Bubby, or when Christopher and Eddie had become such an important part of their lives, so tangled Buck wasn’t sure where they ended, and Chris and Eddie began, but he loved it, or he had until today.

Lia was frantic, almost hysterical, and Buck could tell from the moment he helped her out of bed, there was no soothing her.

“Baby,” He begged, brushing her hair. “Please stop crying. Please, tell me what’s wrong.”

“I want Eddie,” She sobbed. “I want Bubby. Daddy, please.”

Buck could handle a lot, and he had, but he was never going to be able to stomach his daughter begging him for something he couldn’t give at the moment. 

“I’m sorry,” He dropped a kiss on her head. “I’m so sorry, princess, okay? We’ll see them later, I’ll pick you up from school, and we’ll go see them, I promise.”

“I don’t wanna go to school,” She sobs, and Buck frowns, smoothing her hair out of her eyes. He presses his hand to her forehead, but it doesn’t feel any warmer than it normally does. 

“Baby girl,” Buck says, gently. “You have to go to school so I can go to work, alright? I gotta go watch Eddie’s back, don’t you want me to be able to do that?” She sniffles and then nods. “Alright, let’s get you dressed and then we’ll go to school okay?”

He drops her off and somehow drop off is so much worse, she’s clinging to him, sobbing for him not to leave her, and it’s breaking his heart. No matter how many times he promises he’ll be back, he always comes back, she won’t let go. He can’t make himself pry her off of him, so he leaves it to the teacher, and sneaks out when Lia’s distracted. 

He drags himself up the stairs to the loft at the station, and begs the universe for a Q word shift. Eddie lets out a whistle as he throws himself on the couch.

“Rough night? You look like hell.”

“Thanks,” Buck muttered, and took the cup of coffee Eddie’s holding right out of his hands. Eddie doesn’t try to take it back, so Buck considers that the first win of his day. “No, more like a rough morning, Lia was hysterical, I’ve never seen it before, nothing I did made it any better.”

Eddie seems to contemplate what Buck just said as Buck takes a sip of his coffee and almost spits it out. Nope, scratch that. The coffee is most definitely a loss.

“ Eddie ! This tastes like Death! What the hell ?”

“Yeah well it wasn’t for you, Buckley,” Eddie laughs, turning back to the coffee machine, Buck glares at the fridge as though it offended him, trying to will the oat milk creamer to float towards him. 

“Why is Buck glaring at the fridge like it’s done him a huge disservice?” Bobby asks, coming up to the loft and giving his surrogate son a strange look.

“Because it has, Pops!” Buck whines. “First my kid is so hysterical, I thought the neighbors were going to file a noise complaint. And then I get here and Eddie hands me this terrible cup of coffee.”

“Again, Buck, it wasn’t for you! I didn’t hand it to you, Buckley, you took it right out of my hands!”

“Okay,” Bobby says, forever the mediator “Alright boys, okay. Buck, what does that have to do with the fridge?”

“Well, I was getting to that part before someone, cough cough Diaz, interrupted me. I’m trying to use some like Jedi mind trick shit to make the fridge open up and give me the oat milk creamer.”

“Okay, and why don’t you just get up and get it yourself?” Bobby asks.

“Why would I do that?” Buck asks, sending Bobby an incredulous look, taking another drink of the offending coffee. “Ugh, Eddie!”

Eddie’s only response is to just laugh, while Bobby ruffles Buck’s hair. 

“Never change kid,”

“Ugh Pops, not the hair!” Buck grumbles. “That was so uncalled for, way to kick a man when he’s down you guys, thanks. Eds, Eddie, Diaz, the best partner in the world?”

“You should know flattery doesn’t work on me,” Eddie laughs. “What do you want, Buckley?”

“Can you bring me the oat milk? Please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?”

“No. You already stole my coffee.”

“Well, you stole my daughter,” Buck whines. “So I think we’re pretty even.”

“How did I steal your daughter?” Eddie asks, pushing the creamer into Buck’s neck, causing him to yelp at how cold it is.

“You asshole,” Buck swore, taking it from him. “All morning long, all I had to hear about was how much she wanted Eddie and Bubby. You’d think that, you know, as the man who gave her life she might want me, but noooo. She wanted you.”

“I can see why,” Eddie laughs, taking the seat beside him. “I am pretty great.”

“No Diaz, you’re an asshole.” Buck said. “That’s what you are.”

Eddie hums as if in agreement and drops his head to Buck’s shoulder. They had been more touchy feely lately, ever since the earthquake, and although they had received weird looks, neither of them stopped. He closed his eyes. He had time for a nap. 

“Go to sleep,” he heard Eddie say. “You look like hell. I’ll wake you up when the alarm goes off.”

︱⑄︱

Buck jolts awake, although he’s unsure why. It’s not the alarm, it’s as Q word as can be up here, and it isn’t Eddie who’s sleeping with his head in his lap. He leans back, the world’s sleepy haze closing in on him, and he’s jolted out of it again as Bobby shakes his arm.

“Kid!”

“Hmm?” Buck mumbles, rubbing his eyes. 

“It’s Lia’s school. They keep calling your phone.” And suddenly Buck hears the ringtone, and he curses a moment before leaning over to grab his phone, trying not to squish Eddie’s head.

“Hello?” He muttered, rubbing at his temple. Eddie must wake up at all his movement because he’s sending him a disgruntled look as he slowly sits up.

“Mr. Buckley?”

“This is he, is Lia okay?” 

“Aurelia is currently in the nurse's office with a 102.4 fever, is there anyway you can come get her, or send someone up here?”

Buck curses. This is his least favorite part of being a dad, he never handles Lia being sick that well. “Y-yeah I can come get her. I should be there in a few minutes.” He hangs up quickly, and turns to Bobby.

“Lia’s sick. I gotta go get her,” Buck says, and Bobby studies his face for a moment, before nodding.

“Alright kid, I’ll try to get someone in to cover your shift. Let me know later how she is.” Buck nods.

“Me too.” Eddie says from his position on the couch and Buck gives him a small smile before grabbing his car keys and running down the stairs. 

Buck is terrified of his kid getting sick. He doesn’t know why, he’s just always been this way. Lia washes her hands before and after every meal, she carries around hand sanitizer on her backpack and knows to use it every hour, he gets her tested every month for absolutely everything, he has a record of all her allergies, and she’s up to date on her vaccines. He’s terrified that one wrong move, one second too late will cost him his kid.

He’s going through all the ideas of what he could be, as he runs up the stairs, into the building. He walks into the office and his heart breaks at how small and miserable Lia looks in the chair she’s curled up in.

“Oh baby girl,” He muttered, brushing her sweaty hair out of her eyes. “You don’t feel good, do you?”

Lia shook her head, tears appearing in her eyes, and reached for him. He gently picks her up and tries not to flinch as her too hot forehead presses into her neck. He signs her out, and quickly walks her to the car. He gets her settled into her carseat, and soothes her as she whimpers. 

It isn’t until they’re halfway home and stuck in LA lunch traffic, that Lia even says anything, 

“Daddy?”

“Yes Pumpkin?” He says, glancing up at her through his rearview. 

“I want Pops.” And Buck can hear the upcomings of tears, and he knows he has one chance to get this right.

“Baby, Pops is working right now, and we need to get you home to get you cooled off, alright? We’ll see him later.”

“No, Daddy, I want Pops now,” And as the tears fall, Buck knows he got it wrong. “Please Daddy.”

“Baby, it’s okay. I promise we’ll see him later.”

“No!” Buck knows he isn’t going to win this, he’s not good at telling her no at the best of times, especially not when she’s sick, and miserable. “I want Pops!”

“Okay! Okay!” He snaps before softening his voice. “Let me call him, okay? I’ll call him and see if you can see him, but if he says no Lia, that’s it okay? We’ll be going home.” When he sees Lia nod, he instructs Siri to call Pops. 

“Buck?” Bobby answers pretty quickly. “Everything alright?” And suddenly Buck wants to cry. 

“I… she…” Buck says, clearing his throat. “She wants you, I tried to tell her you were working, and that she has a 102.4 fever, but you’re what she wants right now.” Bobby goes quiet and Buck realizes he’s probably talking to the other people at the station.

“Yeah Buck, bring her in. I’ll make you man behind, and this way I don’t have to find anyone to cover your shift.” He nods before realizing that Bobby can’t see him. 

“Thanks Bobby.” 

︱⑄︱

Eddie is waiting for him as he pulls into the parking lot, and he shakes his head quickly at him. Eddie ignores him anyway, and opens Lia’s door.

“Hi sweetheart,” he hears Eddie whisper. “How’s my best girl?”

“Eddie?” And Buck’s heart breaks all over again at how miserable his kid sounds. “Icky.”

“Yeah,” Eddie says softly. “You don’t feel good do you?”

“No, where’s Daddy? And Pops? I want Pops.”

“Daddy’s right here,” Eddie says motioning towards Buck. “We’ll go to Pops now, okay?” 

She nods, and Buck works to unbuckle her. He slips her into his arms, and she cuddles into him. He takes his time walking up the stairs, making sure not to jostle her too bad. Bobby is waiting up in the loft for them, and when Lia sees him, she bursts into tears. Bobby takes her without a word, rubbing her back, humming softly. Lia calms down rather quickly and Buck has to get out of there. He reels back as if he’s been hurt and runs down the stairs to the bathroom. 

He grips the sink tightly, his head dropping, he’s trying to breathe, and he knows he’s crying. He doesn’t hear Eddie come in, doesn’t even know he’s in the same space as him until Eddie’s hand gently begins rubbing his back.

“Buck.” he hears Eddie say. “Oh, Evan.”

“I can’t.” He sobs. “I can’t, Eddie. I hate it when she’s sick, I never know what to do. I’m a terrible dad, I’m the worst dad ever.”

“No, you’re not.” Eddie says. “You’re not, it’s obvious how much that girl up there loves you.”

“Then how come she never wants me when she doesn’t feel good?” Buck whispers. “This morning she wanted you, and now she wants Bobby. I’m not… I’m not good enough.”

“You are good enough,” Eddie says. “You are good enough, Evan. Okay, kids are just like that sometimes. Chris doesn’t always want me when he’s sick, do you think I’m a bad dad?”

Buck shakes his head miserably. 

“Exactly,” Eddie smiles. “You’re doing your best, Buck. Everyone can see it. You’re not a bad dad, give yourself some slack.” Buck looks at him and smiles. Later they’ll go up to the loft, and Lia won’t want anyone but him. He’ll panic until her fever breaks, and Bobby will make them both soup to take home.

Later Eddie will kiss Lia’s forehead goodbye, and Buck’s heart will jump in his throat. And he’ll spend the rest of his night thinking about the feel of Eddie’s lips on him. 

But for now, they were okay, that was okay.

Chapter Text

Buck could hear the pollen, he could hear it, he swears, no matter the weird looks he gets from Chimney. It was there. Chimney was the weird one for not hearing it. It was right in front of his face, and it was loud.

Eddie was humming a song off tune, and Hen seemed focused on outside. Good, maybe she heard the pollen too. Eddie probably couldn’t hear it, because Eddie was humming a weird song for no reason at all, and Buck was pretty sure that those weren’t the words. Not that Eddie was saying any words, he could just hear them. He was in tune with Eddie like that. 

They get to the call and Buck swears he’s floating. It’s like his feet isn’t touching the ground. They get inside and suddenly Buck is surrounded by little people. He stumbles back into Eddie and speaks out of the side of his mouth so no one else gets alarmed by the sudden realization he has. But Eddie will keep his cool, he knows Eddie, he trusts Eddie. They’re the only ones who can handle this new information.

“Did these beauty queens shrink, or are we suddenly giants?” And before Eddie can answer, Athena is there. Buck loves Athena, she’s better than his mom, even better than his sister. Her and Pops were the first place he’s ever felt welcomed no matter what. “Mom! Guess what?”

And judging by her expression, she has no idea what Buck is about to say, and it gives him a thrill, he doesn’t get to surprise her a lot. 

“What’s up Buckaroo?” And he smiles big at the nickname, out of all the names he has, that one has to be his favorite, although, he wouldn’t mind if Eddie called him baby.

“These are like the teeniest, tiniest ladies I’ve ever seen.” Buck whispers, before holding up his fingers in case she doesn't understand. “Teeny, tiny.”

“Athena!” Hen calls and Buck pouts for a minute because Athena is now paying Hen attention and not him. “Ooh, Thena, you smell like love!”

And Buck… Buck has to agree. Athena does smell like love. He loves the smell of love. Bobby smells like love, Maddie smells like love, Eddie smells… Eddie is suddenly in Buck’s space, leaning close to his ear, and Buck shivers even though its not cold in here. 

“You smell like love too,” And Buck flushes at Eddie’s statement. Buck goes to respond but then Athena is calling for Chimney, and Buck really, really loves Chimney, and just wants to give him a hug. Eddie wanders off, trying to get the stats on a balloon, and Buck’s mouth goes dry at the way Eddie’s arms look in his uniform. 

“Guys, look at me,” Chimney snaps, and Buck lets out a whine, tearing his gaze away from Eddie. “Do you know where you are?” Buck frowns. That’s a dumb question, of course he knows where they are. They’re… he takes a quick look around, okay maybe he’s wrong. Maybe he doesn’t know where they are.

“We’re everywhere man,” Eddie says, and Buck nods. Because Eddie said it, so it must be true. Eddie is never wrong, and Eddie doesn’t lie. Athena is there suddenly, pressing a kiss into his forehead as someone has his hands behind his back. He tries to twist out of the hold, uncomfortable, but Athena pats him on the shoulder, so it must be okay. 

“I don’t like this,” Eddie cries, and Buck’s eyes widen. Is he crying? Is Eddie Diaz crying? He opens his mouth to comfort him but that’s not what comes out, no. Instead he sounds like a tattling little brother. 

“Oooh, you made him cry,” He says.

“Alright, alright, just breathe. Okay, you’re gonna be okay, deep breaths.” And Eddie purses his lips, and drags in air, and all of a sudden, all Buck can think about is kissing him. 

They take them back to the station, and Athena pushes them on the couch, instructing them to stay as she takes the cuffs off. Buck’s head finds Eddie’s lap, and he blinks hazily up at him. 

“You smell like love too,” And when Eddie smiles, he reminds Buck of the sun.

  ︱⑄︱

If Eddie would’ve known when he first took a bite of that brownie that this day would end with him having cotton mouth that didn’t seem to go away, no matter how much water he drank, a headache the size of Mount of Everest, and a whiny Buck in his lap, he would’ve thrown the pan of brownies right off the side of the loft, and then beaten them to death with the battering ram. 

Everyone had been down for at least two hours now, or at least everyone but Buck. He should’ve stopped that man from getting a bigger brownie just cause he had skipped breakfast, because this was so not the move. Eddie loved Buck, he did, but he was going to murder the man if something didn’t give soon. 

“Eddie,” The man whines for what seemed to be the third time in the last five minutes, and no, Eddie is not exaggerating.

“Buck, go to sleep.” Eddie said, running his hand through Buck’s curls, hoping it’ll sooth him. 

“No. I can’t.” Buck says. Eddie sighs, of course he can’t. They could never get a break. 

“Why not?”

“Because then the hat man will come.”

What the fuck? The hat man?

“The hat man?” Eddie asks, trying to keep his voice light, exchanging worried looks with someone on B-shift. 

“Yeah. He’s a man with a hat.”

No shit, Buck, you’re joking, the hat man is a man with a hat? Who would’ve honestly thought? Eddie thinks sarcastically, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. He barely manages, instead he just shifts slightly and clears his throat.

“Buck, I’m pretty sure he isn’t real. Please go to sleep.”

“No! I owe him money!”

“Pay him when you wake up, Cariño.”

“No! I don’t have any money, Eds.” Buck pouts. “And don’t call me an idiot!”

“That’s not what that word… never mind. Blow him then, Buck. I don’t really care. Just please go to sleep. If you don’t come down soon, I might murder you.”

“But Eddie, I wanna watch TV.”

“No, Buck.”

“Please, Eddie, please. Please please please please.”

“Fine,” Eddie relents, because if he hears another please, he’ll definitely kill him. “What about Mickey Mouse?”

“No,” Buck said, his face growing dark. “Mickey is a nickname and nicknames are for friends, and Michael Mouse is no friend of mine.”

So now Buck’s apparently got some beef with a fake mouse? Great. This is just great. 

“Uh,” And Eddie really can’t believe he’s asking this but he kind of has to know. “Why aren’t you and Mickey-" Here Buck turns to glare at him. “Sorry, my bad, why aren’t you and Michael Mouse friends?”

“Because Eds, he’s a lazy, blind, deaf bastard,” Buck whines. “He always makes my kid do all the work when the answer is literally behind him, and he never hears her the first time, she always has to repeat herself.”

“I don’t think Lia minds that much, Buck.”

“Yeah, well I mind, that’s why Michael is never invited for Sunday morning pancakes.”

Eddie hums like that makes sense and threads his fingers carefully through Buck’s curls. Buck sighs and seems to relax, and Eddie begins to thank a God he isn’t really sure he believes in for this small miracle. 

“Go to sleep, Cariño,” Eddie whispers, and this time, thankfully, Buck doesn’t argue with him. 

“You’ll stay?” Buck asks, blinking sleepily up at him, and Eddie knows suddenly that he’ll never ever be able to deny Buck anything. 

“I’ll stay right here, I promise.” Eddie promises. Buck brushes his fingers over Eddie’s cheek, and Eddie finds it hard to breathe for a moment. He takes Buck’s hand gently, and holds it tight, Buck’s lips tip slightly up at the ends, and Eddie is rewarded with maybe a moment more of those bright baby blues looking back up at him, before Buck’s eyes close. 

He lets out a hard exhale. He was in so much trouble. 

Chapter Text

They’ve suspended Cap. They’ve actually suspended him over a incident that wasn’t even his fucking fault and Buck is pissed. 

Everyone knows he’s pissed about it too, because he won’t shut up about it. If there’s one thing you can say about Evan Buckley, it’s that when he sees something wrong, he doesn’t let it go. 

Even though everyone else is begging him to let it go, to not make it worse, even Bobby. Bobby has spent literal hours trying to tell Buck it was okay, and that now he can spend time with his best girl. Lia, for the most part, is just glad Pops is around more. 

And to make matters worse, so much worse, there’s a serial bomber on the loose, and if Buck’s nerves already weren’t shot to hell, they definitely are now, especially after that false alarm at an elementary school. 

Luckily, Buck had pulled Lia out of school that day for some Lia and Pops time, because he didn’t want Bobby sitting around moping, and couldn't risk him relapsing. 

“I think these false alarms are worse than the real thing,” Chimney says, and Buck has to agree with him. Especially since Bobby isn’t here to calm them down. 

They respond to false alarm after false alarm, and Buck finds the time to text Bobby in between only calls, growing concerned as his texts just a little after five begin to be left on delivered. 

He doesn’t have time to dwell on it, they’re getting another call, and he takes the passenger seat in the rig. He really can’t wait to get home tonight and take a shower, he’s exhausted.

“ 118 come in, we have a Captain Nash on the line. He says it’s urgent .”

Buck frowns, what does Bobby have to say to them?

“ 118 come in now!” It’s Bobby and he sounds terrified, and for a moment Buck’s mind wanders to the worst case scenario. “ You… urgent…”  

“Pops?” he asks, frowning, trying to understand what the man is saying, before his world is turned upside down with a loud boom.

︱⑄︱

When Buck comes to, the only thing he can register is the fact that he feels like he’s on fire and he can barely breathe. He tries to shift away from the heat, a groan slipping past his lips, but it’s everywhere. It’s under his face, it’s in his bones, and his leg… God his leg hurts. He tries to move it, he’s not sure how much progress he made, feels like none, as he turns to check. The sight knocks his breath right out of his lungs again. He’s trapped, under a fire track, one of the things he loves the most, and judging by how cold he’s starting to feel even though he knows it’s supposed to be hot, he doesn’t have much time left. 

A figure comes out of the dust, the cloud of smoke and smirks at him, and Buck, Buck knows, can feel the way the smirk sets his teeth on edge, that there’s a good chance he’s not coming out. 

The boy starts screaming for the Captain, and Buck begs the universe, God, whatever that Bobby doesn’t step out, doesn’t give him what he wants. He can survive this, and he will, but he can’t survive losing Bobby, he just won’t. 

The boy calls for Bobby again, and Buck has the odd urge to laugh, none of this is funny but it’s perhaps the funniest situation he’s ever been in. 

“What’s so funny?” And the boy’s face is suddenly so close to his. 

“You won’t get him,” Buck manages to snap out, spitting out the blood in his mouth. “You won’t get the captain.”

Freddie laughs, a sound that makes Buck’s skin crawl, and reaches over to put pressure on what’s visible of his leg. 

Buck can’t stop the scream that erupts from him. He’s on fire, he’s on fire again, and his vision is hot and bright and there’s black spots and the pain is unbearable. 

Freddie let’s go and Buck realizes for a moment that the boy is laughing, and Buck just wants the sounds to stop. He needs them to stop. 

He thinks he hallucinates, thinks he hears Chimney stepping up and saying he’s the Captain, he’s not sure, but he is sure that Freddie begins screaming for Captain Nash, and Pops appears. 

“Pops, no, please.” He begs, gasping for air. “No!” 

He doesn’t think for a moment, not caring if Freddie notices his reaction, he just knows that Bobby is out here, and he shouldn’t be. 

“Pops, huh?” Freddie asks, with another deep belly laugh, and Buck hates it. 

Bobby doesn’t respond, just steps closer. 

“Take one more step and we all go boom,” And the kid means it, the kids barely lived but he means it. “Thought you’d be on the truck.”

“I’m here now,” And Buck wants to scream at Bobby that he shouldn’t be here, not now, not ever. “What’s next? It’s what you wanted.”

“Wanted you dead.” 

“I get that,” Bobby says. “But what about them?”

︱⑄︱

Eddie can feel it, he can feel it in his skin, in his soul, how much Buck is hurt right now. Buck turns his glassy unseeing eyes towards them, and Eddie is moving forward, only stopped by Hen digging her nails into his skin so hard that he’ll have a bruise tomorrow.

“What about him, huh?” Bobby asks, gesturing towards Buck. “He’s got parents, a sister, a boyfriend, two kids, and he never did anything to you. He wasn’t even a firefighter when your father burned down that restaurant.”

“Collateral damage.”

And Eddie is so angry that his skin feels like it’s on fire. How dare he talk about Buck like that, Buck wasn’t collateral damage, Buck was…

Everything

He was everything, and damn, what the hell of a time for an epiphany like that. He was trapped, and Eddie couldn’t get to him, couldn’t have his back like he had promised. 

“Besides, he belongs to you. That’s enough reason.”

“Collateral damage, huh?” Bobby says, and he sounds angry. “Is that how you see yourself? An unintended victim in all this? Freddie, you got dealt a bad hand and I’m sorry about that. But what you did with it, that’s a choice. And you stopped being a victim the moment you left that first bomb.”

“That lawyer! She…”

“Did her job!” Bobby snaps. “That’s all any of us were doing. We were doing our jobs.”

“Destroying my family!” Freddie says. “My mom and I lost everything. She was in so much pain. You did that. Not caring what it did to me. It’s your turn now, Nash. Say goodbye to your boy.”

“Want to make it worse?” Bobby asks, and Buck is confused for a moment. Make what worse? This was quite literally the worst it could be. Stop antagonizing him Bobby, Jesus Christ. “You want to make her watch you die?”

And suddenly Bobby is moving, tackling the kid, and Buck closes his eyes bracing for the end, but it never comes. 

Eddie is calling his name, gripping his hand, and Hen is asking him… he’s not sure. He blinks back up at her. 

“How you doing, Buckaroo?” She asks again, and Buck hates the tears he hears in her voice, but he’s so tired, he can’t comfort her right now. He hopes she understands.

“Kinda numb,” He manages to say, before turning to Eddie. “Pops?”

“He’s right here, Buck. He’s okay.”

“Lia?” 

“She’s at home, with May. She’s okay, kid.”

Buck nods and lays his head back down on the pavement, everyone’s okay. He could rest now.

“No,” He heard Eddie snap, sounding close to tears and he desperately wants to open his eyes to comfort him. “ Cariño, stay with me, please, Buck. Stay with me.”

“I will,” He tries to promise but he isn’t sure that his mouth actually forms the words. 

“I’m going to run two lines.” He hears Hen call out. 

“Skin is cold and pale,” Eddie says, and Buck hears a sniffle. He tried to squeeze Eddie’s hand. I’m right here. I’m still here

“Alright,” Chimney says. “Push sodium bicarbonate. Just hang in there, Buckaroo. Maddie will be so pissed if you don’t come home.”

“Hang on, Cariño, please.” Eddie whispers, his fingers lightly stroke the side of his face. 

“This is Captain 118,” Bobby? “We’ve got a probable crush energy. I need all hands on deck to move this truck and clear a path to the nearest trauma center.”

“How’s he doing, Chimney?” Pops. 

“We’re out of time, Cap. Alright, let’s try to lift this off him, yeah?”

Buck squeezes Eddie’s hand. “Stay?”

“Always Buck, always,” Eddie says. 

“Pops?”

“I’m right here kid,” He feels someone else take his hand, and he relaxes slightly. Hen secures the C collar on him, and he desperately just wants to go to sleep. He hears a creak as they try to lift the rig and suddenly…

Pain . 

A scream interrupts out of his throat, and it hurts. It hurts so bad. 

“Hang in there, kid, hang in there.”

“Lift a little higher.” He hears Hen say, and Buck just wants it to stop. He needs it to stop. 

“She’s too heavy!”

“We got anything on the truck we can use for leverage? We gotta get him outta here, Cap!” That’s Eddie, and he sounds sad. That’s not right. 

“No, we need more people,” Chimney says. “I’ll radio again. Let’s try again.”

”No!” Buck sobs. “Pops, make it stop! Make it stop!”

”We have to get this off of you kid, we need to get you out of here.”

”Eddie,” Buck sobs.

”Right here, Cariño, I’m right here.”

”It hurts!”

”I know sweetheart, I know, okay? It’s almost over, I promise.”

And luckily, the world doesn’t make Eddie Diaz a liar.

He hears the sound of running feet and he barely manages to open his eyes to see the crowd running towards him. 

He hears someone count to three and they’re pulling on him and it hurts, it hurts so bad. 

“We got him!” He hears Chimney says, and what he says gets cut out by someone lifting him. 

“Stay with us, Buck.”

“Stay with us, kid.”

I’m trying.

And he closes his eyes, he can rest for just a moment. They have him.

︱⑄︱

He wakes to Maddie, and for a moment there he can’t feel his leg. 

“M-Mads…” He muttered. “You’re here.”

“Of course I’m here,” She laughs but Buck can tell she’s been crying. “If I see my brother on the news being crushed by a fire truck, I’m here.”

He suddenly can’t breathe, and he struggles to look at his leg. 

“Alright, Evan, it’s gonna be okay, it’s gonna be okay.”

“Is it?” He asked. “Did you talk to the doctor? Did he say anything about how the surgery went?”

“Just that you made it through,” Maddie says, brushing his hair out of his eyes. “And you’re now the proud owner of one titanium rod and four beautifully cobalt-chromed screws.”

He can’t breathe. He can’t breathe. There’s something wrong with his leg, he was never going to be a firefighter again, ever. He was never going to be worth anything. 

“Before they wheeled me in, he, uh, he said he didn’t know how it was gonna go.”

“You’ll walk again,” Maddie promises but that’s not what he wants to hear. 

“Yeah he said he was pretty confident about that, he just… he didn’t know if I would ever work again.”

“Evan…”

“No!” He says, and he’s tired, and he’s hurt, and for the first time since he was a child, he doesn’t want Maddie’s comfort. He wants Eddie. “Where’s Eddie? I want him.”

“Buck…”

“No! I want Eddie!” And maybe it’s clear that Buck isn’t going to take no for an answer because soon Maddie is handing him his phone. 

“Hello,” Buck muttered, taking Maddie’s phone,

“Baby.” Eddie breathes.

“Eddie?” The term of endearment is not lost on Buck, and it suddenly makes Buck want to cry. “Where are you? I want you.”

“I’m on my way, baby, okay? I had to go see Chris and Lia. I’ll be there soon .”

“Lia?”

Yeah, she’s okay. She’s okay, cariño, I promise. I’m on my way.” 

The tears are falling now, and he doesn’t try to stop them. 

“Hurry. Please. Hurry.” Buck sobs. 

“ Anything for you, baby, ” 

Buck loses time, he isn’t sure how much, but he knows he loses it, because he startled when the bed dips under him and fingers run through his hair. He knows who it is before he even turns to look, it’s Eddie. 

He glances around, and he doesn’t see Maddie and for a moment he’s thankful, and he feels a little guilty about the relief. But there are other more pressing matters to get too. Buck reaches up and grips Eddie’s arm tight. He’s probably leaving marks, and he tries to loosen his grip a little bit, but he can’t, because he needs Eddie to listen. He needs Eddie to hear him. 

Eddie is the only one who understands what he wants and why he wants it. Eddie is the only one willing to give him what he wants. He needs Eddie to hear what Buck has to say. 

“Baby, what is it?” Eddie soothes, pressing a kiss into his temple. 

“Don’t let them take my leg,” He begs, tears pouring down his face. “Please Eds, don’t let them take it. I’ll be no good.”

“No baby, no. You are so good, you are so so good.”

“No, Eddie. Promise . Please, I need… I need you to promise. They can’t take my leg.”

“I promise, Buck, I promise. If something else happens, I won’t let them take it.” Buck more, seemingly satisfied with his answer, his grip loosening on Eddie’s arm. 

He’s tired now. He just wants to sleep. But he needs Eddie to stay, Eddie has to stay  

“Stay?” He asks, and Eddie nods  

︱⑄︱

Buck looks so hurt and lost, Eddie is so desperate to kiss all of his hurt away, so that’s what he does. He crosses the distance between them, the whole five inches, and he brings his lips to his.

Chapter Text

Eddie doesn’t believe in the universe or a higher power. He’s not religious, he never has been. He grew up Catholic but he wasn’t Catholic. Not truly. 

Eddie wasn’t a religious man, he didn’t believe in spiritual beings or anything, the universe doesn’t talk, it doesn’t give signs, and it definitely doesn’t scream. 

But it seems like lately everything else sure does. 

Buck’s screams haunt Eddie’s dreams. He closes his eyes, and he hears them clearly, like he’s still on that hot asphalt, pinned with no way out, and no way for Eddie to get to him.

His screams haunt him when he’s awake too, as he studies his best friend’s… boyfriend’s… he doesn’t know okay- Buck’s pale face and longs to kiss the dark circles and pain lines away. 

They haunt him in the shower, in his kitchen, even in his car, nowhere is safe, he can’t go anywhere without hearing them. 

But he thinks, he knows, they’re the loudest in the station. 

Buck’s absence is loud, the brand new fire truck even when stationary is loud, because the only reason they have it is the same as the reason for Buck’s absence and Eddie hates it. Their locker, because it’s tiring to go back and forth when they share everything anyway, when he opens the door and sees Buck’s stuff, it screams at him. 

Buck screams after PT. Eddie pretends not to hear.

The Buckleys and Diazes switch their times between Buck’s apartment and Eddie’s house. Everything in him screams to not let them out of his sight, so he doesn’t. 

Lia screams during the night, and Eddie has to stumble out of bed and offer her comfort that he longs for himself. 

‘Daddy’s okay,’ He tells her, even though he knows Buck is anything but okay. He’s gotten used to that, lying through his teeth for their children. His bones scream at him to stop. He’s always been an honest man, he hates lying, but he sees no way out of this. 

He stumbles back into bed, and Buck’s tense body screams out at him for comfort, but Buck never accepts it and Eddie stops trying to offer it, even though everything in him screams against the idea.

“I’m supposed to be her father, Eddie! I should be able to get up and comfort her but I can’t!” He’s sure Buck doesn’t mean to scream at him, Buck’s not even mad at him, not really, and he does his best to soothe, but he’s not sure it works. 

His time as a Probie comes to an end, and Buck is there, because of course he’s there, and the air screams at him about how unbelievably cruel it is to make Buck watch him become a firefighter when Buck can’t even walk yet, can’t even do the job Buck was born to do. 

Buck takes it in stride, laughing with Chris, clapping him on the back when Eddie settles in beside him, and he takes funny pictures on snapchat with the filters that Lia picks, and Eddie manages to convince himself that everything’s back to normal again. It doesn’t stop him from feeling like he got hit in the chest as Buck is settling beside him that night, in his… their bed, his entire body screaming exhaustion at him. 

Rehab is hard, he knows it’s hard, he can see it in the heavy set lines in Buck’s forehead, sees it in the way Bobby seems to age when he returns Buck to him, the way that Chim can’t make a joke, and the way Hen seems so tired. 

Everything is screaming at him, and as selfish as he is, he wants it to stop. He wants to go back in time and make sure that Buck isn’t on that rig, because he’s not sure how much longer he can keep doing this. 

It’s unfair, how close he is to giving up, especially when Buck refuses, but he can’t help it. He should’ve known that if he was this close to breaking himself, that Buck would be tipped over the edge soon. 

And in all reality, he shouldn’t be surprised. He really shouldn’t, Buck may have been snappy, he may have picked exhausting fights, but he hadn’t cried, he hadn’t broken, not since that night at the hospital. 

So when Eddie comes home from picking the kids up, and they come home to his living room in disarray, and loud, broken sobs coming from a corner where Buck was hunched over, he’s surprised that he’s surprised. 

He ushers the kids into Chris’s room, and shuts the door, and he settles himself beside Buck and doesn’t say a word. 

He knows Buck has to reach out, that Eddie can’t, because he’ll scare him off, and end whatever this breakdown is that Buck clearly needs. And somehow, with a sinking realization, he’s surprised at how little he really knows. 

If you asked Buck how he was doing, he would say he’s doing just fine, and for a man who wears his heart on his sleeve, who lets everyone around him know everything, he’s really good at keeping secrets, at keeping his hurt banished to a small corner of himself. 

And Eddie… Eddie hates that. He hates it with everything he has in him, he hates it more than he hates Shannon for abandoning them, for abandoning Chris, he hates it more than he hates his parents for trying to convince him to give them his son, for trying to take the one thing that kept Eddie going, and he hates it more than he hates his father for leaving him to be the man of the house when he was only ten. 

Buck shifts forward, awkwardly, and Eddie doesn’t miss the way that his face twists up in pain, and Eddie longs to reach out, to soothe the pain. He holds his breath as Buck drops his head in his lap, and Eddie’s fingers itch to run through the matted curls. 

Neither speaks, he doesn’t even hear Buck breathe, and he’s close to panicking, until Buck sniffs, and Eddie can feel tears wetting his jeans. 

“I’m sorry,” Buck says. Eddie opens his mouth and promptly shuts it. He wants to reassure Buck, wants to say it’ll be okay, but he can’t. It hasn’t been okay, it hasn’t been okay in a while, and he doesn’t know if it ever will be. 

And he’s not okay, Buck isn’t okay, how did he miss that? How did he miss the signs that were leading to this? He should’ve known, they’re supposed to be Partners.

“I know,” Eddie hears himself saying, feels his fingers running through Buck’s hair. “I know you are, Cariño.”

“I’m scared.” And Buck sounds so small, and vulnerable, and Eddie feels like it’s screaming at him. He swallows hard, determined to comfort him, it’s the least he can do, but that’s not what happens. 

“Me too,” Eddie admits. “Me too, Buck. I am so scared. I can’t read you anymore. I don’t know what’s going on, and I know it’s hard. I know you’re struggling, and I don’t know how to help you. It feels…”

“Like someone is sitting on your chest,” Buck finishes for him, and Eddie finds himself agreeing. He’s right, that’s exactly what it feels like. “It’s how I feel knowing something’s wrong with me, it’s always there, and I can’t reach out. I know I’m hurting everyone, I know I’m hard to be around, but I can’t stop it. I can’t make myself…. I just… I can’t Eddie. I’m sorry.”

“I’m so sorry,” Eddie finds himself apologizing. “I wish… I wish I knew how to make this all better, but I don’t. I promise, I promise, Buck, that you aren’t in this alone, I’ll be here no matter what, baby, I promise.”

Buck relaxes at the term of endearment and Eddie leans down to press a kiss to his temple, trying to soothe in any way possible. 

“I’m sorry about the living room.”

“I don’t care about the living room,” Eddie says, and it’s true. “It’s just stuff, it can get replaced, it can get cleaned up, I don’t care about it. I care about you. Did it make you feel better?”

“A little,” And Eddie’s heart clenches at how Buck sounds so incredibly guilty. 

“I’d prefer next time,” Eddie tries to make his voice teasing. “If you didn’t smash up my living room, but if it made you feel better, I can’t complain.”

“You should,” And the hostility in Buck’s voice bothers Eddie in a way he doesn’t know how to explain. “You should complain. I destroyed your living room. And the kids saw.”

“I can clean it up, and the kids are alright. They’re okay, Buck. They’re a little scared and worried about you, but they’re okay.”

“That isn’t their job! It’s mine! I’m the one who should be worried and scared about them!”

“You got crushed by a ladder truck,” Eddie finds himself snapping, feels Buck stiffen a moment before relaxing, but he can’t take it back now, it’s out there. “You’re allowed some slack. Okay, so stop whatever this is, please. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t do it, Buck, and I know you have it worse, okay? I know that, but this is hurting me too. It’s hurting Lia, and Chris.” 

It’s a low blow bringing up their children, he knows it as soon as he feels Buck tensing up in his lap again, but he can’t help it. He needs Buck to just stop. Stop the spiral of hatred and pain and hurt, because he can see it consuming him, and Eddie can handle a lot, but just not this.

“It’s hurting Bobby, and Maddie, and Chim, and we all just want you to be okay, we do, and we know you’re not, but we need you to tell us instead of getting frustrated. Please. You know, right, like you have to know there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for you. I’ve got your back, forever. You’re my partner.”

It sounds suspiciously similar to I love you but Eddie pushes that thought away. He’ll tell Buck when his living room isn’t a mess, when his kids aren’t walking on eggshells, when Buck can walk again, he swears. But right now, he needs to help Buck hold himself together after he’s fallen apart. The rest of this can come later. 

“You have to survive this, Buck, because I won’t ever get over it, over you, if you don’t. You have to promise. Please.”

He knows he shouldn’t be asking, begging Buck for anything let alone a promise, especially not in this condition, not in their line of work, but he has to face the truth. Buck and Lia are so intertwined with his life that the thought of living without any Buckley hurts, and for a moment, thinking about it, he can’t breathe. 

Buck shifts in his lap, turning to face him, and he holds out his pinky. For a moment, All Eddie can do is to blink away tears. He knows how much Pinky Promises mean to Buck, he’s seen the Buckley siblings do them all the time, United Front, Buckley Siblings against the world , he’s seen Buck and Lia do it, her holding out her pinky for anything and Buck immediately linking it with his. He’s even seen Lia and Chris do it so many times, picking it up from Maddie and Buck. And Eddie knows what this is without even asking. Buck is accepting Eddie into his family with open arms, this is Buck’s promise to him, telling him he feels the same way, that he has Eddie’s back, that he’s going to fight and he’s going to get better. 

So Eddie does the only thing he can do, , and links his pinky with his, his lips kissing Buck’s hand, brushing over his knuckles, sealing the deal. He’ll help Buck off the floor and they’ll get the living room cleaned up later, calm the kids, do the rehab, the physical therapy, but now he knows, now he can breathe, because they’re gonna be okay. Buck is going to be okay. They’re gonna fight this and they’re gonna win. They have too. 

Chapter Text

It’s a Tuesday when Lia calls Eddie Dad for the first time. He’s unsure of what causes it, especially with how careful they’ve been around the children, and with Chris still calling Buck, Buck, but Lia calmly asks him “Dad, can you please help me grab my cup?” 

The table falls silent, both Christopher’s and Buck’s head swiveling to look at them, and Eddie barely has time to catalog the way Buck’s teeth are worrying his bottom lip before Lia is asking for her drink again, rather impatiently.

“I’m sorry sweetheart,” Eddie apologizes, handing her her cup. “Dad, huh?”

And he’s trying to make his voice sound light, trying to not show his nerves and the way it feels his heart is about to jump out of his chest. 

Lia takes a long drink, completely oblivious to the way both him and Buck are staring at her. She sits it down with a satisfied ahhh , and  turns to look at him and fixes him with a look, one that says Duh Eddie, that’s so Buck it takes Eddie’s breath away. 

“Chris calls you Dad, so I thought I would too.”

“Lia,” Buck clears his throat, and only Eddie is aware of how nervous he is. “You have to ask, okay? You have to ask, baby, you can’t just call whoever whatever you want.”

“Oh,” Lia says, tilting her head like she’s trying to figure out how much sense Buck is making, before turning back to Eddie. “Can I call you, Dad, please? Like Chris?”

“Like Chris, huh?” Eddie teases, trying to gain his composure, trying to not upset this obviously delicate situation. “Do you really want to?”

“Yeah! Cause I love Chris, and Daddy! And they love you. And I love you too! I want to call you Dad.”

Eddie doesn’t say anything and Buck chooses this time to fill the silence with his spiraling rambles.

“It’s okay, Eds. I get it, if this is too soon, you know, you can say no.”

“Why would I say no?” Eddie looks up at him, and his eyes feel wet. “She’s my girl, Buck.”

“His best girl,” Lia pipes up, and Eddie lets out a laugh that’s half laugh and half sob, before picking her up out of her seat, and holding her close. 

“You sure are, baby girl,” Eddie says. “You can call me Dad, I’d love it if you call me Dad.” And suddenly Buck is stumbling out of his chair, and wrapping them both up in a hug, and Chris is there, telling them they’re super weird, but joining the hug anyway.

And for the first time in a long time, Eddie feels settled, he feels like he’s home. 

Wednesday, Buck has his last PT appointment, and gets the all clear to start training for his recertification, Buck tells him it’s fate. Eddie’s not a religious or spiritual man but he’s inclined to agree. 

They finally have a talk about what they are, who they are to each other, and Eddie’s heart sings at how wonderful it is to be loved by Buck. 

They decide to keep it a secret, wanting to stay in this little bubble of what they have, not wanting any outside forces to come in and ruin this blissed out afterglow, warm fuzzy feelings they have. 

Ali, the girl they rescued during the earthquake, invites Buck out for coffee, and Eddie encourages him. He comes back, and Eddie assumes that it went well until they’ve put the kids down for bed, and Buck is looking guilty.

“Alright, Buck,” Eddie tries to tease, but his attempt lands flat. “Out with it, what’s wrong?”

“I know that we’re keeping this a secret, and you don’t actually mind me going to coffee with Ali,” Buck begins, and Eddie stiffens, because there’s something in his voice that makes Eddie think he’s going to hate whatever comes out of Buck’s mouth next. “But I really don’t like her touching me. When she touches me, my skin crawls. I can’t do it, Eds. I’ve never wanted to run away from someone so fast in my life, all I can think about is how she’s not you.”

And Eddie can relax, he can breathe. This is not Buck telling him he’d rather have Ali, rather be with a woman, this is Buck saying that he cannot be without Eddie, and Eddie for a moment cannot believe it.

So Buck stops meeting Ali for coffee, and Eddie goes back to having Buck all to himself.

Buck requalifies, breaking records as he does it, and Eddie just wants to scream from the rooftops that that’s his man, but it’s still a secret, so he settles for his pride settling beneath his skin, whispering it between sweet kisses when they’re finally alone that night. 

He helps their children make Buck cards, helping Lia gently sign her name, and he promises Athena and Bobby that he will get their son to his surprise party on time and in one piece. He also promises that he’ll keep it a secret, but it kinda seems redundant. After all, he isn’t Chim, Eddie can keep a secret.

He tells Buck and the kids to get ready, and once he’s sure the kids are good, he enters Buck’s bedroom to tell him to hurry up, because Eddie’s already excited to leave. He lives for the excuse to celebrate Buck, and after this last year, he feels that they’ve earned this break, this party.

"Do you know what time it is?!" Eddie asks, throwing himself on Buck’s bed with a laugh.

"A watch doesn't really go with this outfit, Eddie." Buck muttered, offhandedly, smirking at him. 

"Buck, what the actual fuck? How the fuck does a watch not go with that outfit? I don’t… I don’t understand." He loves this man, he does, but sometimes he really doesn’t understand him. He’s also pretty sure he doesn’t actually want to hear Buck’s explanation. “No. Actually, no, don’t answer that. Are you ready to go? It’s time for your surprise party.”

Well, fuck. Maybe Eddie can’t actually keep a secret.

“My surprise party?” Buck asks, blinking, almost like he can’t believe that Eddie said that. Eddie sighs, his fist rubbing at his eyes.

“Yes.” He says petulantly. “I wasn’t supposed to tell you so be surprised.”

Buck acts surprised when they get there, even if Eddie does believe his reaction was overkill. It’s whatever, he’ll have plenty of time to tease him about it tonight when they’re home. 

He swings Lia up into his arms, and Eddie tries to not let his brain explode at how hot his boyfriend looks with their daughter. Lia laughs, and Eddie’s heart sings. Everything is okay again, everything is right, and his little family is so happy.

Buck mingles, and Eddie tries to deal with the fact that Buck is not by his side, and other people have his attention. He’s doing a pretty good job, until he hears this sharp cough, and Bobby’s concerned Are you okay, kid?

“Yeah, I’m fine. Give me-”

And Buck’s next cough is wet, and that’s what makes everyone turn to look at him. His cough is wet and it’s only moments before Buck is gagging, red splattering all over their feet, all over Bobby, and Eddie is handing Chris to someone, Karen, Hen, he doesn’t know and doesn’t care, and running towards the other end of the lawn just as Buck goes down.

︱⑄︱

He’s bleeding, he sees it on his hands, tastes it in his mouth, sees the look on Bobby’s face, knows it must be bad. He’s stumbling, falling backwards, hears Lia’s screams of Daddy and Maddie sobbing. Eddie’s looming above him, his hand cupping his cheek, and Buck grins, a full teeth smile. He knows it must be scary, hideous, his teeth are probably stained with blood, and he focuses on the way Eddie’s lips move, tries to do what he says, but his lungs are burning and he’s just so so tired. 

He hears his daughter’s voice clear as day, and he struggles to get up, to move to her, but he’s unsure if he even moves at all. He sees Eddie’s head turn towards the sound of his, their daughter’s voice, and for the first time since Lia’s birth, he wants to be selfish, needs to be selfish, he doesn’t want Eddie to leave, he needs Eddie to stay right here. He reaches out to grasp his wrist, his hands tachy with blood, and Eddie nods as he hears Buck unspoken question.

Buck closes his eyes now that Eddie is staying, he’s safe, Eddie’s got him. Suddenly, a hand is forcing his eyes open, and a bright light that he can’t seem to flinch away from is shining down at him. And it isn’t until it moves that he realizes what it was. It’s Eddie’s phone. 

Eddie is using his phone flashlight to shine into his eyes, and he knows, he knows that it’s strange, why doesn’t he have his penlight? His phone is bulkier than his penlight, it’s dangerous to have out on a call. Where’s Eddie’s penlight at?

Buck wants to breathe, he needs to breathe, but he can’t and it hurts. He’s so tired, he just wants to sleep. His eyes meet Eddie’s once more before closing. He’ll be fine after a nap. It’ll be okay. He just wants to sleep. So he does, even if everything around him is screaming at him to stay awake.

︱⑄︱

He knows when he wakes up he’s in the hospital, he can just tell by the antiseptic smell, and the constant beeping to the left of him. He feels like he’s floating, and he notes with a sense of delight that his lungs don’t seem to be burning anymore.

“Buck?” It’s Pops. Bobby probably knows that he’s awake, but Buck really doesn’t want to open his eyes. He just wants to lay here. Fingers are running through his hair, and Buck knows it’s a lost cause, so he slowly opens his eyes.

“You got lucky,” The doctor says, as he tries to insist that he’s fine to Bobby and Maddie. “Most people don’t have a pulmonary embolism in front of dozens of first responders.”

“I thought he got a clean bill of health last week,” Bobby said, frowning. “It came out of nowhere it seems like.”

“Did it though?” The doctor asks, and Buck decides right then and there, this doctor is a dick. “There wasn’t any soreness? Nothing?”

“I mean yeah,” Buck admitted, grudgingly. “I thought it was just a muscle cramp. I’ve been retraining for my recertification.”

The doctor nods, and tells them he’s putting him on blood thinners and keeping Buck overnight for a little observation. The doctor leaves and Maddie and Bobby turn to Buck with twin expressions of both worry and somewhat disappointment. 

“I’m not ignoring this, guys.” Buck insists. “I promise. I was going to get it looked at later. I just thought it was a sore muscle.”

He’s not allowed to come back to work for a little bit longer, and in his frustration, he kicks them both out of his hospital room. And when Eddie picks him up and drops him and Lia off at home, he doesn’t speak. 

He’s just so tired. He’s been fighting for so long and nothing seems to come of it. Nothing really matters anymore now that he’s still not allowed to be a firefighter.

︱⑄︱

Eddie hasn’t seen Buck since he brought him home from the hospital. He offered to stay with him, offered to even at least take Lia, but Buck declined, and this thing between them was too new, too special for Eddie to push him. So he lets him go, but he doesn’t like it, and it actually isn’t that long until Eddie is dropping Chris off and dragging Buck out of bed. 

“Alright up and at ‘em!” Eddie says, pulling his blanket off. He had walked into Buck’s room when he found Lia sitting on the couch with Ramen Noodles, where she sassily informed him that Buck hadn’t come out of his room at all, unless it was to feed her or put her to bed. He needed to step in and step in now.

“Fuck off Diaz,” Buck snapped, reaching back for his blanket.

“No no,” He said, moving it out of his reach. “Baby, it’s time to get up. Please. I’m worried about you and I love you.”

“If you loved me, you would let me stay here!”

“No, because I also love our kids, and Christopher is excited to hang out with his Buck and Lia today. Lia also mentioned something about me telling you no more noodles.”

Buck grumbles but he gets out of bed, and joins the kids on the floor eating gusher fruit snacks. Eddie tries his best to soothe Buck before he leaves to go to work, pressing kisses all over his face. His phone buzzes, breaking the moment.

“Go,” Buck says, laughing for the first time in forever, and Eddie can’t help the smile that blooms at it. Buck slightly shoves him towards the door. “Go. Hurry home.”

“Anything for you, Cariño.” And with one last kiss, Eddie is on his way out the door.

︱⑄︱

The kids want to go to the movies, but if Buck has to see the new Lion King one more moment, he might actually go insane, so he takes them to the pier instead. 

And for the first time in weeks, Buck is having a great time. They’re playing games, riding rides, and Buck even lets the kids have Cotton Candy. 

They’re sitting there, watching the ocean, and Buck feels settled for the first time in forever. He loves the ocean. It’s why he picked LA. No matter where he went, he navigated to the ocean.

He absentmindedly listens to the children's babble, only looking up with Chris touches his cheek, telling him “ You’re gonna be okay, kid.” He smiles and nods, even if he doesn’t feel like it. 

How sad is his life that he has to be comforted by a child. He grows silent again, checking his grip on the children’s shirts, before listening to the calming call of the seagulls. They grow silent just as Lia begins to speak.

“Daddy?”

“Yeah baby?” Buck frowns at the sudden anxiousness in his daughter’s voice. “What is it? Are you alright?”

“Where did all the water go?”

Where did all the water go? Buck opens his mouth to answer her, to ask her what she means, twisting to look at her, when all the words died in his mouth. 

A wave . And a big one at that. He grabs Christopher and Lia, and he runs. He knows he can’t outrun this wave, but he has to try. He has to get them out of here.

He doesn’t make it. 

︱⑄︱

His first thought is that the water is cold, it’s freezing. His bad leg is aching, his lungs are burning, and he longs to just let the water take him for a brief, selfish minute, until he can hear his daughter screaming for him.

He bursts through the water, and he barely recognizes his children’s names as they leave his mouth in a half guttural scream. 

“ Aurelia! Christopher!” He struggles to hear above the rushing water, struggles to keep his head up, until he hears them.

“Daddy!”

“Buck!”

They’re clinging to a light post, and Lia’s holding tight to Christopher’s shirt. They both looked soaked and wet, but overall they seem fine. Buck resists the urge to scream his thanks to the universe.

He fights his way towards them, gripping them tight to him when he reaches them. Lia is sobbing, Chris isn’t saying anything, and Buck has no idea what to do. And he wishes, he wishes so hard that he had just taken them to go see the Lion King after all. 

They wait there for a moment as Buck tries to figure out what to do. The water’s too deep, and Buck won’t be able to carry both of them at the same time, or he’ll grow tired. The universe must decide that he deserves a reprieve, because a fire truck floats by them. He helps Christopher and Lia climb up before he’s pulling himself up.

He glances down at the water, and has to look up at the sky. They’re surrounded by bodies, floating hazardly in the water, and Buck tries his best not to get sick. They were alive only moments before, living, breathing, laughing people. They were having the best day ever and it quickly turned into their last and no one knew it was coming. Buck does his best not to think about how that could’ve been them if he had been one step slower.

︱⑄︱

He can’t believe how wrong it went in the matter of moments, they were playing ISpy, Buck determined for them to not look in the water below. Then another wave hit, and he lost his grip on Christopher as he fell in. 

Chris had just asked him what they were supposed to do, and he told them they had to keep swimming. “Just like Dory?” “Yeah just like Dory, kid.”

And suddenly Chris was falling, Buck was losing his grip, and he couldn’t see him anymore.

“Stay here,” He ordered Lia. “Stay here, baby, don’t move. I have to go.”

“No,” And Lia is clinging to him sobbing, but Buck can’t afford to waste another second. Any second wasted is a second that Chris could be drowning. “Don’t leave like Mommy, please Daddy. You pinky promised.”

He quickly but gently extracted himself from her grip with a quick kiss to her forehead. 

“I know. I’ll come back. I have to find Chris, stay here.” And within moments he’s back in the water. It drags him under, and Buck fights. The water can’t take him today, it can’t take anyone he loves. He refuses to let it. So he fights. 

Christopher isn’t in the water when Buck surfaces, and Lia and the fire truck aren't anywhere around.

“Lia! Christopher!” No one answers. It’s completely silent.

︱⑄︱

He keeps moving. He doesn’t have a choice.

Pull people out of the water

Ask about Lia and Chris, describe them. Look around.

Keep moving.

He’s unsure of how much time has passed. He’s working on autopilot, Chris and Lia aren’t here so he leaves. He pulls everyone but his children out of the water, and he keeps moving. He finds Christopher’s glasses next to a dead guy, and tries to not let his mind go to where it’s currently headed.

It’s dark by the time he becomes aware of his surroundings. He’s managed to stumble onto a VA hospital, he’s aching, his arm is bleeding, had been for a while now, and his hands are gripping tight to Christopher’s glasses. He stumbles about a little bit more, stopping to ask someone who works there if she’s seen his kids. He stutters through his description and she gives him a sympathetic look and directs him to black tent.

“Isn’t that the-”

“The Morgue.”

The Morgue.

He hates it, feels like he can’t breathe, but he unzips every bag, looking for strawberry blond hair, brown curls, and he half expects bright blue or brown eyes to stare back at him. He learns that most people die with their eyes open, and you’re unable to close them post mortem, like they show in movies. He doesn’t see their kids. He doesn’t know whether or not to be grateful, or sad.

Someone hands him a phone to call someone, and without thinking he calls Maddie. He doesn’t know why. Maddie doesn’t answer any calls from an unknown number since Doug. She’s probably not even going to answer this one.

“Hello?” And something inside him breaks. He begins to gasp for breath, the tears he’s been holding back all day finally falling.

“Maddie,” He sobs. “I can’t find them. I can’t find them. There was this big wave and now they’re gone. I lost my kid. They’re gone.”

“Evan? Oh my god, Evan, you were in the tsunami?” She asks. “Are you hurt? Are you bleeding?”

“No, you’re not listening to me. I’ve been everywhere, I can’t find Lia or Christopher, I’ve lost them.”

“No, Evan, I am listening. I promise I’m listening. But I need you to talk to me, okay? I need you to answer my question. Are you hurt? ”

“No,” He sobs. “No. I can’t find them. Oh my god, what am I going to tell Eddie? He’s going to hate me.”

And whatever Maddie says next is lost to him, because his eyes have found Eddie, who’s running toward him. He hangs up on Maddie, and silently hands the phone back to who he borrowed it from, and shakily stands up to face Eddie.

“Buck! You’re bleeding.” He says, cupping Buck’s face, and Buck wants nothing more to do than to lean into him and close his eyes, wishing to go to sleep, and wake up in the morning, cuddled up with his kids and Eddie awkwardly on the couch. “How long have you been bleeding? We need to get you checked out.”

“No, Eddie.” Buck sounds hollow, empty to even himself. “I-I just… No .”

“What? What do you mean, no? Buck, what's wrong?” It’s then he sees the realization dawn on Eddie’s face, and he tries to pull away but Eddie’s hand tightens. “Where’s Christopher and Lia? Why do you have his glasses?”

“I tried.” Buck sobs. “I tried so hard. They were right there. I had them, and Chris slipped and I… I am so sorry Eddie, I’m so sorry.”

He sees Eddie pull away from him, and an awful look appears in Eddie’s eyes, one that mirrors his. Chimney reaches them now, with Bobby hot on their heels, and Buck collapses.

“Whoa, hey kid, it’s okay. You’re okay.” 

“I’m not,” Buck sobbed. “I lost Lia, and Chris, Bobby. I lost them. I had them, and I lost them.”

And they’re so busy trying to calm him down, to see where he’s hurt, knowing he has to be bleeding somewhere, trying to figure out how long, that they don’t notice a woman walking up to Eddie with Christopher and Lia.

“Christopher, Lia,” Eddie calls out in relief, going to take Christopher from the woman. “Oh thank god. Thank God.”

“Are you Buck?” The woman asks, as Christopher buries his face into Eddie’s shoulder, and Lia attaches herself to Eddie’s legs. 

“What? No, I’m their father, Eddie.” Eddie says, wiping his face, holding Christopher close, before reaching his hand out to cup the back of Lia’s head.

“They were looking for someone named Buck.” He goes to respond to the woman before Lia’s tugging desperately at his pants.

“Dad?” She asks. Eddie pushes her matted hair out of her eyes, and tries to wipe the grime off her face.

“Yes, baby?” He asks, tilting his head to slightly hear her better.

“I know,” And here her chin wobbles but she doesn’t cry, Eddie’s heart clenches at how much she looks like Buck, and he cups her face, desperate to comfort her. “I know Daddy is saving people, but I need to see him. Can you take me to Pops so I can wait for Daddy?”

He distinctly remembers hearing Buck tell Lia that if she ever gets lost, or they’re in danger to find Pops, and wait for him to take her to Buck, and Eddie can’t stop the rust of pride he has for their kid remembering that, and how happy he is that all the safety measures they have spent hours teaching their kids are sticking.

“Sure, baby, let me… let me call Pops.” Eddie suddenly remembers the predicament behind him, and he feels majorly guilty for having forgotten, his boyfriend is probably still frantic and hysterical with guilt and grief. Buck doesn’t know their children are here, he hasn’t seen them yet. 

“B-Bobby.” He calls out. “Bobby!” And Bobby must hear something in his voice, because Bobby turns around to face him, his face full of grief, before his eyes settle on Lia.

“Pops!” And now Lia is crying, reaching out for him,  and Bobby is across the sidewalk in a flash, picking her up.

“There you are!” He says, and Eddie tries to ignore the way his captain’s voice sounds all choked up, and the way his arms tighten around Lia. “There’s my girl. Daddy and I were so worried about you.”

“I want Daddy,” Lia sobs. “Where is he? The water took him away.”

“Come on, he’s right here. I’ll take you to him. Alright? We’ll go see him now.”

︱⑄︱

Bobby’s hands leave Buck’s face and the tears fall faster. He must’ve decided he wasn’t worth the comfort, and Buck couldn’t blame him. Buck had lost his and Eddie’s children, he didn’t want comfort, he didn’t deserve it.

“Daddy!” Lia’s voice called, and Buck’s head shot up, his eyes focused on his daughter in Bobby’s arms. “Daddy!” 

He struggles to his feet, Hen and Chimney pushing him back down and he curses.

“Let me go! Let me go, damnit, that’s my kid!” They don’t let him up and he doesn’t stop struggling until Bobby places Lia in his arms. He smothers her face in kisses, hugging her tightly. He can’t believe it, she’s back in his arms, almost like he never lost her in the first place.

“Oh thank God,” Buck sobs, hurriedly checking to see if she was hurt. “Oh thank God. Lia, I am so sorry, I’m so sorry .”

“I kept swimming Daddy, just like you said. I found Chris and we stuck together.”

“Chris? You found Christopher? Where is he, baby?” Buck asked frantically, his head turning to look, before Bobby forced his head back to look at him. 

“He’s with Eddie, kid. They’re both okay. They’re exhausted but they’re okay. How about I take Lia and you let Chim and Hen look over you?”

“No,” Buck protested, his arm tightening around his daughter. “No, Pops. Please I need to see him. Please .”

“Buckaroo, you’re bleeding and it’s bad, alright? And I have no idea how long, and with you on blood thinners this could be dangerous.”

Buck goes to nod, to agree, but make Bobby promise he’ll bring Chris to see him as soon as possible, but he’s so tired. He’s tired and he aches and he’s dizzy. His head rolls as he hears Bobby curse and feels someone take Lia out of his arms. He tries to fight them, but he isn’t sure how much he actually succeeds. The darkness comes and he welcomes it. 

︱⑄︱

They take Buck to the hospital, and Bobby promises that he’ll stay until Eddie is able to get the kids cleaned up and join him there later. He sends Eddie home, and Eddie spends most of the drive staring at Lia and Christopher in his rearview mirror. 

They’re exhausted, which makes sense, but he’s unsure of much else. He can’t get a grasp on what else they’re feeling. They both cling to him, as he helps them out of the car, and he knows he shouldn’t indulge it but he can’t help it. 

He holds them on the floor of his living room, until his knees scream at him to get up. They need a bath. Christopher can take his own, so he helps Lia into the bathroom. She’s silent, not saying anything, and Eddie doesn’t try to make her. Maybe this bath will help.

Eddie turns on the water to start her bath, and Lia screams, startling him. 

“No! Daddy! No water! No! Make it stop!” She’s climbing over him, sobbing, trying to get away and Eddie suddenly realizes what’s happening. He catches her, and slowly backs away from the bathtub with her in his arms. “Don’t want it to take me again! Please don’t let it take me again!”

“Shhh,” He soothes, rocking her gently as Lia clings, her arms tight around his neck. “Shhh, sweetheart, it's okay. I won’t let the water take you again, okay? You’re safe, Dad is here. I promise.”

“It took Daddy away from me,” Lia sobs, and Eddie freezes. They hadn’t talked about what happened during the moments that Buck had lost the children, it was like an unspoken rule. Buck hadn’t spoken about it, besides to say I’m sorry, all Chris could say was that Buck saved them, Lia didn’t mention it at all until this moment, and Eddie knew better than to push any of them. “Bubby fell and Daddy jumped in. He told me to stay. He said that he would come back. He said he wouldn’t leave like Mommy but Chris came back and Daddy didn’t. He pinky promised.”

“Daddy came back, sweetheart. He kept his promise, Lia,” Eddie whispered, his heart breaking at Lia’s words, and not for the first time, he cursed Abby Clarke for the irreversible damage she’s had on the Buckley’s. “He never stopped looking for you and Christopher, I promise.”

“We were having fun, and eating cotton candy and then the water was gone. Daddy picked us up and ran. He ran so fast but it still got us. It still took Daddy away.”

“I know, baby, and I'm so sorry,” Eddie whispered, pressing his lips to her temple in what he hopes is a soothing way. “But Daddy’s back and you and Chris are safe. The water can’t get you anymore.”

She nods, but Eddie doesn’t dare put her in the bath. He turns the water off and gently wipes her down with some soap and a rag. He gently runs her hair under the sink faucet, avoiding getting her face wet, and he deems it okay for now. 

He does the same for Chris, and he gets them settled into his comfy clothes. Bobby brings Buck home, and, after a quick sponge bath for him, the four of them settle on Eddie’s bed. 

No one says anything, but they don’t have too. They’re content to just be for now. They’ll deal with the fallout later.

Chapter Text

The brass doesn’t let Buck come back after the Tsunami. It’s unsurprising really with everything that’s happened, but it doesn’t stop him from being royally pissed off. 

“This is bullshit! I’m ready, Eds. I swear.”

Eddie is, well, quite frankly terrified. Too much has happened in so little time, too much for any one person to handle, but he knows Buck. He knows Buck better than he knows himself. Buck needs to be a firefighter. So Eddie tries his best to placate him, but Buck is practically dancing out of his skin. He’s ready to be back, and he’s ready to be back now. 

The kids are what convinces Buck to not fight the decision the brass made to keep Buck back, to keep him at a desk job, as bad as it sounds. Lia and Chris are struggling after the Tsunami. Losing Buck in the water brought out all the abandonment issues Abby handed to Lia on a silver platter, and she clings, screaming, to him or Eddie whenever they try to drop her off at pre-k. They find her in their bed more often than not when they wake up, and she freaks out whenever one of them leaves the room.

She begs Buck and Eddie both to not leave her, and Chris absolutely refuses anything to do with the water, no matter if it’s a bath or not, if neither one of them is there. He dreams too. Someone always drowns, and it takes Eddie putting his kid into therapy and anxiously studying his current drawings, and comparing them to his old ones to even understand what he’s dreaming about, because Chris will not talk about the nightmares. Buck has made an appearance in a lot of them, along with Shannon, and it gets so bad that Eddie’s half tempted to reach out to his ex wife, just so Chris can know she’s okay. He doesn’t. Maybe it’s selfish, but he fears it might be easier this way. 

They’re both at the end of the rope, both borderline frantic and hysterical because like Eddie said before, there’s only so much one person can take, not sure what to do anymore, until Buck takes one for the team. Buck is good like that, he’s so good. It’s what Eddie absolutely adores about him.

He takes the fire marshal job, he can work the normal 9-5 hours, and be home to do pick-up, breakfast, dinner, and bedtime, and it soothes some of Chris’s and Lia’s worries. It makes it easier on the kids knowing one of them will be there to wake them up and at home at the end of the day to greet them. 

Buck hates the fire marshal job, but he doesn’t complain and he doesn’t slack off. And the first time Eddie sees Buck in action, Eddie has to physically keep himself from dropping to his knees right in front of Clipboard Buck. 

Everyone is complaining as Buck goes on and on about not picking favorites, but Eddie’s saliva has dried in his mouth, and his brain has short circuited. 

Clipboard Buckley is hot. He’s so fucking hot. 

Eddie knows his boyfriend is hot, okay? He knows it. He’s been Buck’s partner long enough to know, to have seen it. Both men and women throw themselves at Buck. Buck’s fucking gorgeous. 

But this…

This where he’s standing with his arms slightly crossed, with that slight smirk that’s cocky almost, like he’s in charge and he knows it, fucking divine. It’s almost fucking holy. 

Eddie’s never been a religious man, and he doesn’t understand the concept of worshiping anything. But here, in front of Clipboard Buck, he understands. He understands perfectly. And he doesn’t care that it’s probably considered blasphemy. He doesn’t care that the very act of this is probably securing his place in hell. He’ll take it happily. 

Hey there Demons, it’s me, your boy, Eddie Diaz. I’m in love with a man, and I’d rather worship him than any God. 

Hen pushes him back into action, pulls him out of his thoughts, they are getting a grade for this after all, and he feels the ache of not having Buck within his sight settle into his chest. 

He just wants this to be over. He wants Buck to be back at his side, where he belongs. He likes Lena, sure, but she isn’t Buck. No one is. 

︱⑄︱

Buck hasn’t stepped foot in the station since Eddie’s shield pinning. It shocks Buck how much it’s stayed the same. 

He supposes that it has too, it’s a firehouse, not much can change. It’s bittersweet, in a way. 

Because Buck has changed since the last time he walked through the bay doors. He’s changed, he’s not sure if it’s for better or for worse, but he has. 

Eddie has changed, Chim and Hen have changed, hell Bobby has even changed, although he’s not sure how good the last one is. 

Bobby has been weird around him since the bombing, and he isn’t sure when the last time Lia had actually seen Bobby or Athena. The thought makes his heart squeeze tight. 

He knows they must be busy, of course they are, they have their own lives and everything, but that still doesn’t stop the aching feeling he gets at the thought of being left behind, of his girl being left behind. 

“Does Fire Marshall Buckley now make in person deliveries?” Bobby asks, teasing, interrupting his inner spiral unknowingly. Buck turns to look at him, the lawyer's card burning a hole in his pocket. He feels bad taking it. He doesn’t know why, but he hadn’t been able to refuse when Chase Mackey handed it to him. And now staring at the face of his surrogate father, he feels insanely guilty. 

He plays it off, he has too, because they can’t know. They can never know. He’s never gonna call them. 

“I fudged the numbers a little bit when I was doing the math to let you do better than you actually did.” Buck laughed, pretending he wasn’t thinking about anything, handing him the papers. 

“You don’t know how to do math, Buckley,” Eddie teases, walking by him, and ruffling his hair. 

“Fuck off, Diaz,” Buck groans, flipping him off. “And that’s what I’ll tell them if they ask.”

Bobby smiles at him, but it doesn’t exactly reach his eyes, and Buck feels that left behind feeling return. The feeling multiplied by ten in a matter of seconds. 

“Spot me, Diaz?” It’s a blond girl, and she’s new. She’s new and she’s all over his boyfriend, his partner. She’s in his spot, and Buck hates that. He hates her. 

“Yeah, yeah I got you,” Eddie calls back, before clapping him on the shoulder. “See you at home.”

“Yeah home,” Buck says lamely, but Eddie’s already gone so he doesn’t hear. “Who the hell is that?”

“Lena Bosko,” Bobby says. “She’s from the 136, their station was destroyed in the tsunami.”

“So you gave her my job.” It’s not a question, it’s a statement, and he sees Bobby slightly flinch back at how harsh his voice sounds. 

“No, kid. I didn’t. Your job is still here waiting for you. You know that.”

Did he? Did he know that? No, he really didn’t. Because everything here, and everything that has happened recently has pointed to the opposite. But he doesn’t want to fight with Bobby on top of everything so he just takes a deep breath and nods. 

“Good,” Bobby seems to relax a bit. “Why don’t you come over for dinner tonight? Me and Athena would love to have you.”

“Yeah,” Buck’s skin feels settled in a way it hasn’t since the bombing at the invitation. Maybe he was just overreacting, maybe it wasn’t what he thought it was. “Yeah. I’ll be there. Should I bring Lia?”

“I uh…” And at Bobby’s hesitation, Buck knows something isn’t right. Bobby has never, ever failed to include his daughter. “I really think you should leave her at home for this one, kid.”

Buck nods numbly and Bobby says a quick goodbye, clapping him on the back. 

Buck suddenly wants to get out of here. He feels like an intruder and he hates it. 

He goes to leave, but his locker stops him short. 

There’s tape over his name. Every letter covered but the B. They said they weren’t replacing him with Bosko, but she was here, in his spot, with his partner, using his locker. 

His fingers long out to rip the tape off, but he knows he shouldn’t. They’ll say he’s petty, childish. And with how damaged and achy he feels right now, he’s not too sure he’ll be able to handle the quips. So against his better judgements, he turns on his heel, and walks straight out of the firehouse.

︱⑄︱

The dinner is awkward, so Buck fills it with chatter about returning to work. He mentions something about a petition and somehow the dinner gets even more awkward.

“I mean if everyone signs it,” Buck says, slowly chewing his green beans. “Then those dumbasses can’t keep me away anymore.”

“I’m the dumbass.” Bobby says, and it takes everything in Buck not to run for the door.

“What?” He asks, weakly, begging the universe to show him that’s not what Bobby really said, but no such luck.

“I’m the dumbass,” And Buck can’t breathe. He can’t breathe. Everything hurts. It hurts. The feeling of getting left behind is sitting on his chest, and he can’t make it go away. It’s here and it’s real. “I don’t think you’re ready yet, so I told them so.”

The brass was never keeping him away, Bobby was. Bobby was the one who was hurting him, not nameless people who he couldn’t see, who he didn’t know. Bobby. And this was somehow worse to him than the truck bombing. 

He’s standing before he’s even aware of his body moving, his chair completely pushed back, and he knows he’s breathing too hard to not be hyperventilating but he doesn’t care. Bobby is hurting him.

Bobby is reaching out to him, something about blood thinners and how he’s in charge of more than one firefighter and it’s all a bunch of bullshit. It’s bullshit. And judging by Bobby’s face, he’s said that outloud.

“Buck,” And now Bobby sounds like Buck’s hurt him, and it makes Buck angry. “Evan, please.”

“Don’t fucking call me that,” Buck snaps. “You don’t get to use that fucking name.”

You’re a liability.

You’re getting left behind.

You’re not ready.

You’re getting left behind.

Everything hurts.

Run Evan. Run. Leave. Get out of there.

So Buck listens to the last voice and immediately goes for the door. Bobby grabs his arm, and Buck rips away from him, his touching burning. 

“No,” He snaps again. “No, Captain Nash. Don’t fucking touch me. And don’t you dare come near me or my daughter fucking ever again.”

Bobby’s face falls and Buck escapes, running for the jeep, determined to get out of there. Buck leaves behind the only set of parents he’s ever had.

︱⑄︱

Lia’s quiet as Eddie gets her situated on the air mattress, he doesn’t find it unusual. Both the children had been quiet recently. 

He’s reaching for the Magic Tree house book they’re in the middle of reading, when she breaks the silence. 

“Are you leaving us?” Lia asks him, and Eddie can’t accurately describe the way his heart cracks under her words. It hurts something right in the middle of his chest, something he didn’t even know he had.

“What?” He asks, almost frantically, dropping the book. Lia doesn’t answer right away, and Eddie feels like he shouldn’t push her but he just can’t help it. “Lia, princesa, why do you think that?”

“Daddy cries when he thinks I’m asleep. He thinks everyone is going to leave. Pops, Nana, Aunt Maddie, and you. Pops and Nana stopped coming over, Aunt Maddie never picks up when I call her. Are you going to leave too?”

This hurts more than anything ever has. Has Buck and Lia really been suffering this bad and he had no idea? Is he really that bad of a partner, that bad of a dad?

“No, baby,” Eddie says, pulling her up out of bed, and into his arms. He shouldn’t be indulging this, shouldn’t be promising something he knows he can’t, especially with his job. But he does it anyway. He does it because despite being somewhat mature, Lia is still a four year old child. She likes unicorns and rainbows and dinosaurs. She likes princesses and her brother. She likes to play outside in the dirt and she’s seen too much for such a little kid, she has trauma no kid should ever have. Lia is scared, and she’s hurting, and Eddie hates it. So Eddie does the best that he can and he lies through his teeth while he makes a promise he knows he can’t keep.  “No, I’m staying right here. I’ll never leave you or Daddy. You’re my best girl.”

“You promise?”

“I promise,” Eddie says, holding out his pinky. Lia stares up at him for a moment, her eyes, Buck’s eyes, wide, before she gently locks her pinky around his. 

“I love you, Dad,” She tells him, and Eddie can’t stop the tears from falling. Despite everything this past year, this is the first time the youngest Buckley has said something like that to him. Buck told him that it was a side effect of Abby, Lia and him both always seem to think Eddie has one foot out the door, just like she did.  Eddie is content to wait it out, because they’re special, and they’re worth it. 

“I love you too, sweetheart,” He tells her. “So much. You and Daddy and Bubby are my favorite people.”

She nods like she expected that, like it makes sense, because why wouldn’t they? And Eddie tucks her back into bed again, without her letting go of his hand. She’s asleep before he even finishes the chapter. 

︱⑄︱

When Bobby calls asking if Buck has made it home, Eddie already knows the dinner hasn’t gone well, knows something is severely wrong, and Buck is probably so hurt, but he doesn’t know where his boyfriend actually is. 

Bobby’s not giving him any information and he’s frantic, before catching sight of the jeep being parked outside. He hangs up on Bobby mid sentence. Bobby is not what’s important here, Buck is. Buck is always more important.

“Damn it, Buck!” Eddie snaps, throwing open the door to see Buck standing out there in the rain, dripping wet and shivering. “How long have you been out there? You’re going to get sick!”

“Bobby’s the reason.” Buck chokes out, and Eddie is grabbing his arms to draw him closer to him. He’s got to get him inside and warm. They don’t need him catching a cold on top of everything.

“What? Baby, what are you talking about?”

“Bobby told them I’m not ready, he said I’m a liability,” And Eddie can’t believe it. Bobby knew how anxious Buck was to get back to work, and how hard he worked, and he was denying him. He pulls him inside, and hands Buck a towel. He gets Buck some clean clothes as he dries off. 

“Shh, Buck it’s okay, it’s okay. I’m sure he’s just looking after you.”

“No!” And the pain in Buck’s voice stops Eddie cold. “No, Eddie, you don’t understand, the 118 is all I have left, I don’t have… I don’t have any other family, I need to support Lia, I can’t lose her. I can’t lose them.”

“You’re not going to lose them, or Lia, Buck, we’re all right here.” Eddie says, giving into his need to comfort Buck, and pulls him to him.

“They taped over my name.” And Eddie freezes. His name? What was he talking about, his name?

“What?”

“My name on my locker, they taped over it. They said they weren’t replacing me, but they let Bosko tape over my name. They let her take my locker, even though we have plenty of temp lockers.”

Eddie doesn’t say anything, just hugs Buck even more closely, promising himself he’ll take care of that locker thing tomorrow.

“I’m going to call the lawyer tomorrow,” Buck says. He sounds so defeated.

“What lawyer?” Eddie asks, his heart freezing in his chest.

“Chase Mackley.” Buck says. “He says I have a case.”

“The one from the fire drill? No,” Eddie says. “No, we’re not doing that, okay? We don’t have to call that ambulance chaser. I’ll take care of it, I’ll talk to Bobby, okay? Baby, I promise I will fix this.”

He had too, because this decision was going to tear everyone apart if something didn’t give. 

︱⑄︱

The morning of his shift, he goes straight to Buck’s locker, and his heart drops at the sight of the tape covering every letter but the B.

“Hey Diaz,” It’s Lena. “What are you doing here so early?” 

“This,” Eddie says, ripping off the tape. “Get your shit out of his locker, and go put it in a temp.”

And Lena frowns, confused, and Eddie feels momentarily guilty, knowing he could’ve found a better way to handle this. But he can’t, he’s too keyed up on Buck’s and Lia’s hurt emotions and the desperation to fix it now. 

“This…  this isn’t cool, Lena. You’re not replacing him. He’s coming back. Take a temp locker.”

And suddenly Bobby is there, trying to see what the problem is, why he’s yelling, and Eddie doesn’t stop himself in time as he spins on his heel to face Bobby.

“ You ,” he says,vehemently, pointing at him. “You’re the reason Buck can’t come back, huh? The reason he’s hurting, the reason Lia is hurting, the reason he’s not at work right now. You’re letting your feelings for him get in the way of returning him to his job, and that’s not right. That’s not okay, Bobby!”

“Eddie, look, I know…”

“No! You don’t know anything! He feels alone! He feels so alone Bobby. Do you know what Lia said to me last night? She said, Daddy cries himself to sleep, because he thinks he lost his family. And how could he think anything else?” He balls up Lena’s tape and throws it at him. “With you not letting him come back, and Lena putting tape over his name and taking over his locker? Bobby, for God’s sake, he’s thinking about suing, just to get back here.”

“He’s suing?!”

“No! I’ve managed to talk him out of it, but Bobby if I hadn’t, and he went through with it, he would’ve won! He has a case! Now I get you don’t want him to come back, and be hurt, I don’t want that either, but he’s miserable, and we have to do something, it’s killing him and Lia. And I can’t watch it anymore, Bobby, I just can’t.”

“Eddie I…”

“No, Bobby, I don’t want to hear it. I am tired of holding those two together with my bare hands. I can’t do it anymore. If you love them like you say you do, you’re going to fix it, you’re gonna fix this, or so help me God, Bobby, you won’t like me if you don’t. I fucking promise. I’m team Buck all the way. Maybe it’s time you are too.”

And with that, Eddie storms away. He has half a mind to call Maddie and ask her what the fuck her deal is, but he’s too angry to do that right now. But later, later he will. He promised he would fix this, and he’s going too. One person at a time. No one messes with his family, not even the goddamn universe, not even their family. He refuses to allow it.

Chapter Text

It was sheer dumb luck that the next time Eddie went up into the loft, everyone he wanted to yell at was there. At first he wasn’t sure he should do this at work, but it wasn’t like they were around anymore after work so he wasn’t about to lose his chance. 

“We need to talk.” He snaps, and every head in the room swivels to look at him. Eddie isn’t the type to snap at work, to show any emotion. But his boyfriend and their daughter are hurting and Eddie is sick of it.  “All of you owe Buck one big ass apology, and he better get it, or you’ll be dealing with me.”

They all gape at him like they have no idea what he’s talking about and it makes him even angrier. 

“You have no idea what y’all did, do you?” He asks, the Texan accent slipping through in a way that it only does when he’s furious. “Okay, let’s make a list. Bobby is the one who is keeping him back, not the Brass. Hen hasn’t been around, Maddie has been ignoring all of his and Lia’s phone calls because of a dumb ass fight, Lena taped over his locker, knowing damn well it wasn’t hers, and she’s not replacing him, Chim claims he’s Buck’s brother but not once has even checked on him besides to tell him to call Maddie, and that’s not even the tip of the iceberg.”

“Eddie,” Hen tries to cut in, but Eddie is quick to cut her off. 

“No, you cannot change my mind. I am team Buck a hundred percent, and you guys were wrong.”

“It wasn’t a stupid fight,” Maddie insists, tears already appearing in her eyes. 

“You’re mad because he’s a firefighter.” Eddie scoffs. “That’s bullshit, Maddie. That’s complete bullshit. You’re not in charge of him, you don’t get a say in what he does. I know you all like to act like he’s a stupid kid, but he isn’t. He’s crazy smart, he pays his own bills, and he’s a damn good dad. He can make his own decisions. He’s been doing it for the past ten years without you just fine.”

“Eddie, it’s not really any of your business, he’s my-“ He cuts Maddie off with another scoff. 

“Not my business? Not my fucking business? You made it my fucking business when your actions made it where I had to hold a four year old child for hours because her Aunt Maddie didn’t answer. You made it my business when you decided to dip out! Again! And then you had the audacity to leave me the pieces. I had to put them both back together.”

“Hey, Eddie man, I know you’re mad but…”

“Shut the fuck up, Han. You’re just as bad as everyone else too. You think you have the right to report back to Maddie on Buck, because of what?” Eddie snaps. “Because you’re dating her? News flash, Maddie isn’t Buck’s mother, and he’s an adult. That isn’t going to change just because you’re dating his sister. If Buck wants Maddie to know something, he will tell her. It is not your job. And while we’re on the subject, you were friends with Buck way before you ever met Maddie. Stop putting him on the backburner to your relationship. He’s important too!”

“You all left him alone! I was there! Me! I was there every day and you were not, so please do not play the ‘I was there for him’ card because no the fuck you weren’t. He has nobody but us. And you left him and Lia like they were nothing. They’re not nothing. Apologize. Or else.”

He’s prepared to shut down the arguments he’s so sure is coming, but the loft is strangely silent, everyone staring wide eyed at something behind him. 

“Dad!” It’s Lia. As her small body collides with his legs, he ignores the shocked looks that everyone seems to share, his focus only on his kid and his boyfriend. Buck’s blue eyes are wide, and his mouth is slightly open. He goes to reach out to him, but he’s faintly aware of where they are, and who exactly is watching them. He’ll check on Buck later when they don’t have an audience. Right now, Lia is demanding his attention. 

She tugs on his pants leg, holding her arms up, in a pout that’s pure Buck that makes Eddie’s inside feel like liquid honey. 

“Up, Dad!”

“Hi princesa,” Eddie laughs, picking her up, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “What are you and Daddy doing here? Shouldn’t you be in school?”

“Lunch,” Buck says, and Eddie notices how hard he’s trying to ignore everyone else in the room, and it breaks Eddie’s heart. “We wanted to see if you wanted to get lunch with us. I pulled her out for today. I needed Lia and Daddy time.”

He goes to respond to Buck, to tell him he’d love to go for lunch, before Maddie’s interrupting them.

“Lia, sweetheart, do you wanna come here?” She asks, and Lia looks at her a moment before burying her face in Eddie’s shoulder, shaking her head. “Oh, come on, babe…”

“She said no, Maddie,” Eddie snaps. “Respect that.”

Maddie frowns at Eddie, before turning to Buck.

“Evan…” Buck jerks like his name hurts him, but he doesn’t look at her.

“So, that new pasta place?” Buck asks. “Me and Lia could go get it, and we could eat it outside? It’s a nice day.”

“Yeah,” Eddie says, pulling their daughter closer to him. “I’m okay with that. Is that what you want, princesa?”

“I want mac and cheese,” Lia says, playing with his nametape. “Daddy, what does this say?”

“That says Diaz,” Buck tells her. “It’s Dad’s last name.”

“Oh!” Lia says, tilting her head. “Like how mine and Daddy’s is Buckley?”

“Yeah sweetheart,” Eddie laughs, covering her face in kisses. “You’re so smart.”

“Like Pops is Nash?”

“Yes,” Buck says, his tone a little too sharp compared to the one he usually has for his daughter. “Captain Nash’s last name is Nash.”

Eddie sees Bobby flinch in the background, and Eddie almost feels bad for the guy. He knows from first hand experience that it’s not fun when Buck is mad at you. 

He hands Lia back to Buck, and helps them sidestep Bobby and Maddie, leveling them both with a glare he hasn’t used since he was a squad leader in charge of dumb ass kids fresh out of high school. 

“You don’t get to push him,” He tells them. “Or her. They will come to you when they’re ready and you better have a damn good apology.”

Buck comes back with the pasta, and they have a good lunch, before Buck is wrangling up Lia, and giving Eddie a discreet kiss, informing him they’ll see him at home.

“Thank you,” Buck says. “For what you said up there. Thank you.”

“I told you, baby.” Eddie says, with a slight smile. “I promised I’d fix it. And I’m going too.”

Buck smiles and the words that go left unsaid between them are loud. Eddie thinks it’s too soon, that they’ve gone incredibly way too fast for him to just burst this out right here, but he wants to. He wants Buck to know what he means to him. 

His blood is singing out to him, his heart, Eddie Diaz loves Evan Buckley. And he thinks he may love him for the rest of his life. 

He doesn’t say anything, just smiles and waves as Buck pulls out of the station. The thought is never quiet, whispering with the wind…

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Chapter Text

Bobby wakes them up the next night at midnight, pounding hard at the door. Eddie’s half asleep and unable to stop him from pushing in. 

Bobby looks a mess, his hair is sticking up everywhere, he doesn’t have a shirt, opting for a zip up hoodie instead, one of his pants leg is up to his knee, and he’s wearing two different shoes, Eddie's pretty sure they're both left shoes.

“Where is he?” He demands after casing out Eddie’s living room.

“Where is who?” Eddie whispers. “And lower your voice, everyone else is still asleep.”

“My son. Where’s my son?”

Ah. Buck. He wants to see Buck. He drove here, looking a mess in the middle of the night to see Buck. This was not what Eddie meant when he said to give Buck time.

“I think you lost the right to call him your son a couple weeks ago,” Eddie says. And look, he knows it’s petty, and probably really hurtful. Bobby is clearly frantic, and Eddie should not be making jabs right now, but some vindictive part of him is still angry. “Look, Bobby, he’s asleep, and you’re clearly… actually, are you drunk?”

“No,” Bobby fixes him with a look, and Eddie feels a little curl of shame settle into his stomach at the suggestion. “Please Eddie. I need to see him. I need to see both of them. Please.”

And Eddie recognizes the look in his captain’s eyes. It’s the same look Buck gets when he’s woken up from a nightmare from the tsunami and he doesn’t know that Lia and Chris were found, it’s the same look Lia has when she climbs into their bed to cuddle closer with both of them, the same look Chris has when he screams himself awake every night.

Bobby has lost something, something important, in the dead of night, and he needs to find it again, so Eddie goes and wakes up Buck.

“Baby,” he whispers, shaking him lightly. “Wake up.”

“Mhm,” Buck moans. “Five more minutes, Eds.”

“No baby, I’m sorry, it’s time to wake up. Bobby’s here.”

“He can wait. Send him home. Talk to him later,” Buck mumbled, throwing the cover over his head. Eddie yanks it back off with a shake of his head.

“No Buck, I really don’t think he can wait. He’s frantic. Something is wrong. Demanding to see you and Lia. Get up. Go see him. I’ll get Lia when he calms down a bit.”

This gets Buck’s attention.

“Oh my god, is he okay? Is he…” 

“No, he’s not drunk.” Eddie says, knowing where Buck’s mind went because his had just been there only moments ago. “He’s just frantic. I don’t know how to describe it.”

“Okay,” Buck says, rubbing his eyes, swinging his legs to the side of the bed. “Okay. Okay. I’m up.” 

 ︱⑄︱

Buck was unsure of what had awaited him in the living room but what he didn’t expect was a man who had hurt him so severely that Buck was actually considering suing to collapse in his arms.

“Bobby!” He snapped, anxious. “Bobby, what’s going on? Are you hurt?”

“You’re alive,” Bobby sobs. “You’re alive. You’re not dead. You’re alive.”

“What? Of course, I’m alive, Bobby. Did someone… did someone tell you I was dead?”

“You were under the truck again, and I couldn’t get to you. I couldn’t get to you in time.” 

“You did,” Buck whispers. “You did, Pops. You got to me in time. I’m okay. I’m right here.”

Bobby ran his hand over Buck’s hair, and his face, before resting on his heart. 

“Lia?” Bobby asks, hoarsely looking at him. 

“Eddie’s getting her. She’s okay, Bobby. We both are.”

“It was so real,” Bobby sobs. “It was so real. I thought… I thought I had killed another one of my kids. I can’t lose another one of my kids.”

“You’re not gonna lose us, Bobby. We’re right here.”

“You threw up blood all over me,” Bobby sobs. “At a party I threw for you. I need to keep you safe. I keep messing up.”

“You’re not messing up,” Buck says. “You’re not. It was a freak accident. Okay, it was no one’s fault.”

Eddie comes in and gently hands Bobby Lia. He sobs, hugging her tightly.

“Pops?” Lia asked, sleepily. “What’s wrong? Why are you sad?”

“I just missed you, sweetheart.” Bobby mumbles. 

“I missed you too,” Lia says. “Don’t go away again?”

“I won’t. I won’t ever go away again.” Bobby says. 

Buck’s pinky gently wraps around Eddie. He truly hoped that Bobby meant what he said. 

 ︱⑄︱

Buck and Bobby had a talk once he had managed to calm down, and Eddie had laid Lia back down. Buck was back to work within the next two days. The relationship was still tense between the two men but it was slowly getting better. 

He had talked to Maddie, and agreed to have dinner with her and their parents. Eddie didn’t like it, but there’s only so much he could’ve done about it. Buck was an adult. He could make his own decisions.

To make matters worse, Buck had a shift that day without Eddie, and Eddie had this awful feeling that something was about to go terribly wrong. 

 ︱⑄︱

The dinner so far had been a disaster. His parents had waited exactly five minutes, and that was putting it generously, before starting in on him about his job and Lia. He’s tired. He wants them to shut up, and he wants to leave, and go to bed. He should’ve just told Maddie no, or lied, or something. 

“I mean seriously, Evan. How do you expect to support your child on a fireman’s salary? I really think you’re too irresponsible to raise that girl alone.”

“My child is fine.” Buck snaps. “She’s thriving, in fact. She’s happy. I’m sure you don’t even know what that’s like considering you never saw any of yours happy.”

“Evan.” His father snaps, and Buck resists the urge to roll his eyes. “Don’t speak to your mother that way. Imagine what your therapist would say.”

“I don’t even know why you’re in therapy, Evan.” Margaret says. “You’re perfectly fine. You don’t have any trauma.”

“I’m fine?” Buck says, ignoring Maddie’s sharp shake of her head. “I don’t have any trauma? You have no clue what’s actually going on with any of your kids, do you? Actually, I’m not surprised. That tracks. You never knew what was going on with us when we were under your roof.”

“We tried!” Margaret cries, tears already forming and Buck can’t find it in him to feel any amount of guilt over it. “You never made it easy on us. Either of you.”

“We were supposed to?” Maddie asks, incredulous. “We were just kids!”

“You know what,” Buck says, standing up. “I thought I could do this, but I really can’t. I’m tired, I miss my girl, I’m going home. Oh, Mom and Dad, you wanna know why I'm really in therapy? It is because I have spent my entire life feeling like a constant disappointment. And you wanna talk about our jobs? You think my job is dangerous. I have walked through fire every single day of my life because of you. That is why I am in therapy because nothing I ever did was good enough!

“I don’t know what you expected us to do, Evan!”

“Love me anyway!” Buck cries out. And it’s so pathetic, he hates that it just came out of his mouth like that. 

“They’re never going to.” Maddie snaps, and the whole room falls silent. “They are never going to find you good enough, Evan, because…”

“Maddie, don’t you dare!” His mother screeches. 

“Because you are not Daniel!” Maddie continues, as if their mother isn’t saying anything. “He isn’t Daniel and you’ve been punishing him for that his whole life. I’m not losing another brother. I can’t.”

“Daniel, who’s Daniel?” Buck asked dumbly.

“He’s our brother. He died. When you were just a year old. Leukemia. We three weren’t a match, so Mom and Dad…”

“Had me.” Buck finishes for her. “They had me. It didn’t work, did it?” 

Maddie’s silence is all the confirmation he needs. He was made to save his brother, and his brother died. He’s defective. He’s no good. 

Maddie’s saying something else but he can’t hear her. She lied to him. It was supposed to be them against the world, but it never was. It was always them three against him. They all lied to him, and judging by how Chimney’s not even surprised, he must’ve known too. 

Eddie would never do this to him. Eddie would never hurt him like this. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. He needs to get out of here. He needs to get to Eddie. His feet are moving before he even has a chance to process anything.

“Evan, please.” Maddie sobs, as Buck stumbles for the door. He doesn’t let himself look back at her, knowing if he does, he’ll never get out of here. He doesn’t allow her to convince her to stay, she doesn’t get to do that to him, not after tonight. His parents call out to him but he doesn’t respond. They don’t get to act like they care now. He allows the door to slam closed behind him.

He isn’t sure how he managed to drive home, the way to Eddie’s seems branded into his brain. He stumbles out of the jeep, the ground unsettled beneath his feet. He’s unsure of how he gets his key in and opens the door, and is barely able to close the door before he’s collapsing on Eddie.

 ︱⑄︱

“Baby,” Eddie mumbled, concerned, rubbing his back. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

“I couldn’t save him, Eds.” And Buck is sobbing, breaking in a way Eddie’s never seen him. “I couldn’t save him.”

“Couldn’t save who, baby?” Eddie asks, running his fingers through his curls, trying to soothe him, thinking it was a bad call at work perhaps because Maddie didn’t call to warn him that anything had happened at this dinner. 

“My brother.”

His brother? Buck had a brother? What on earth was going on?

 ︱⑄︱

It takes almost a half an hour to get the whole story out of Buck, his head not moving from Eddie’s lap, the telenova he was watching before Buck came and in and collapsed on him, completely forgotten. Eddie honestly thought he couldn’t hate the Buckley’s more but apparently he was wrong. 

“They started with how I was such a bad person, keeping Lia away from them, how I was too irresponsible, to stupid, to raise her, and I just sat there, and the only thing I kept hearing was how I wasn’t good enough again, I’m never going to be good enough. And I told them, I’m so pathetic Eds, I told them to love me anyway, like I’m a four year old desperate for Mommy and Daddy’s attention. And Maddie starts going off about someone named Daniel, and how because Daniel died, I was never going to be good enough, they were never going to love me, and how she was so sick of them punishing me for him dying. They had me for spare parts, Eddie, and they didn’t work. I couldn’t save my own brother.”

Eddie says nothing, just rubs his back in a way that he hopes is soothing, and doesn’t move. What exactly is he supposed to say to this anyway? Buck was conceived as a savior baby, and Eddie couldn’t breathe for a moment as his resentment for Buck’s parents felt heavy in his chest. After a few minutes, Buck’s breath evens out and Eddie’s so sure he’s fallen asleep. Eddie doesn’t want to move, doesn’t want to disturb him, Buck needs the sleep when he can catch it.

A soft pitter patter of small feet drags Buck out of his thoughts, the sleepy hazy view the world was starting to take on, and if Buck turns his head just enough, he can see his daughter dressed in one of his work shirts and some sweats, her french braid tousled from sleep.

“Is Daddy okay?” Lia whispers. 

“He’s sleeping now,” Eddie whispers back. “He just got back from Aunt Maddie’s.”

“Were Margaret, and Phillip mean to him?” And the way Lia says his parents' names with no emotion breaks something inside of Buck he wasn’t sure he had. And if Eddie hears his whimper, and feels him pressing closer to him, he doesn’t say anything, just choosing to address Lia.

“A little. Are they always mean to him?”

“Yeah, they tell him he’s a bad dad all the time, but he’s not, they lie. He’s not a bad dad, he’s the most awesomest dad ever. I love him.” And Buck breaks all over again. He sits up with a sob, reaching out and holding Lia to him. 

“I love you, kid,” he whispers. 

“Love you, Daddy.” Lia whispers back, her fingers playing with the hair at the back of his head. “I don’t want to see Margaret and Phillip anymore. They make you sad, and that makes me sad. I like Pops and Nana more.”

“Alright,” Buck agrees, wiping his eyes. “We won’t see them anymore, I promise.” He lets out a little laugh at her statement about liking Bobby and Athena more. “Me too kid, me too. Let’s say tomorrow instead of seeing Margaret and Phillip, we go see Pops and Nana, how about that?”

Lia seems to think about it, her blue eyes squinting in concentration. 

“Okay, but only if Dad and Chris come, I miss Dad.”

“Yeah? You do? Daddy and Dad have been really busy, haven’t they?” She nods, and Buck turns to Eddie.

“I’m down,” Eddie says, brushing Buck’s hair off his face. 

Eddie puts Lia back to bed when she begins falling asleep in Buck’s arms. Buck falls apart again, and Eddie tries his best to soothe him.

“You want a bath, love? Let's get you into a bath. It might help.”

He helps Buck to the bathroom, and tells him to get undressed while he runs the bath. He even throws in some of Chris’s lavender bubble bath to make it as soothing as possible. He leaves the room to grab some towels, and when he returns, the sound of sharp sobbing greets him.

Buck is messing with his shirt, struggling to pull it off, crying about how he can never do anything right, and Eddie has to stop himself from storming over to Chimney and Maddie’s to kill the Buckley’s. 

“Baby, let me do it. Let me, it’s okay.” Eddie manages to get him undressed, and settles into the bath. He promises Buck he’ll be right outside in bed, and leaves him alone.

About a half an hour later, Buck stumbles out, looking incredibly soft with slightly damp curls, wearing Eddie’s clothes. He quickly settles himself in Eddie’s lap, and Eddie imagines it would feel so damn awkward, but it feels natural instead.

“Hi baby,” Eddie mumbles, his nose nuzzling Buck’s neck. “You smell good. Did that help?”

“I used to hurt myself,” Buck says, and Eddie’s breath catches in his throat. “I used to hurt myself to get my parents' attention. I broke my arm when I was twelve on purpose and my dad paid attention to me for two days, and when it was over, the only thing that was stopping me from going out and breaking my other arm was how bad the first one hurt.”

Eddie’s teeth sink into his bottom lip in an attempt to keep from saying anything. He knows that isn’t what Buck needs, and that’s the only thing stopping him from cursing the Buckley’s to high heaven.

“I thought it was normal,” Buck whispers. “That if I was just better, if I got hurt more, if I played sports, they would finally love me. They’re never going to love me, Eddie. I’m defective, I’m no good. I wouldn’t love me either. I killed him.”

“No, you didn’t.” Eddie says. “The cells didn’t graft, that isn’t your fault. You’re a great firefighter, and a great dad. Me, Chris, and Lia love you. Fuck what they think. They suck. I couldn’t imagine ever doing that to Chris or Lia.”

Buck didn’t say anything, and Eddie knows he doesn’t truly believe him. He makes himself a promise that he’s going to spend the rest of his days loving Buck the way he should be.

“I love you,” Eddie says. “I know I haven’t said it, we haven’t said it, but I do. I imagined it was going to be better than this, but I can’t stand the thought of you going to sleep thinking you aren’t loved, because you are. You are so loved. I love your dad jokes, and how kind you are. I love the way you never seem to give up, or judge anyone. I love the way your nose scrunches up when you’re thinking too hard, or the way you’re so incredibly smart. I love the way you love my kid like he’s your own. You’re beautiful. Lia is made up entirely of the best qualities of you, that is why she’s so great. It’s because you’re great. I love you. I’m in love with you.”

Buck’s lips press against his hard. 

“I love you too,” Buck mumbles between kissing. “I’m so in love with you.”

And that night as Eddie goes to sleep, he goes to sleep feeling more loved than he ever had before.

 ︱⑄︱

There’s someone pounding on the door. It’s annoying. Eddie thinks maybe if he ignores it, it’ll go away. Apparently after ten minutes though, no such luck. 

“Eddie?” Buck mumbled.

“Shhhhh, I’m here, cariño, I’m here, shhhh.” Eddie’s other hand ran up and down Buck’s arm, pressing against his shoulder to keep him laying down and on his side. “Go back to sleep, Evan, it’s okay, shhhh. I’ll go check the door and I’ll be right back.”

Buck mumbles something incoherently, but his breathing resumes soft and light only moments later. Eddie has no idea who it could be this early in the morning, and he’s really tired of everyone waking them up when they could just text or call. He has half a mind to send the groupchat a passive aggressive text when he gets done with whoever it is at the door.  Everyone they know is either on shift or coming off from shift, so he has no clue to who the fuck this could be. He’s shrugging on Buck’s LAFD hoodie, trying to ignore the thrill he gets at wearing something that brands him as Buck, and sleepily opens the door.

The person who stands just outside makes his heart fall into his feet.

“Oh my god . Shannon?!”

Chapter Text

“You cannot be here,” Eddie knows it’s rude but he’s panicking. He hasn’t seen her since she left that one morning two years ago and left him nothing but his kid and a note. She didn’t even show up to contest their divorce, or even to the custody hearing. She didn’t fight for them; she didn’t even fight against them. She was just gone. 

“Eddie,” Shannon says, frowning. “Look, I know you listed irreparable differences as the reason for our divorce, and I don’t blame you, but I’m ready to come back now. I want to give this, us, another shot. My mom’s better and I don’t feel-”

Eddie feels his heart sink. Somewhere along the line they had a miscommunication, which doesn’t surprise him, because that was literally their whole marriage, but he truly didn’t think that the miscommunication could be this big.

“Why do you think I put that?” 

“Because I left. I know it was shitty and the divorce is honestly the least of what I deserve, but I-”

“Shan, I’m gay.” Eddie says, interrupting her yet again, because he’s not sure why after two years of no contact they’re having this conversation, and he just wants it over and done with and her out of his house. “I put that because I’m gay. I like men. I’m never going to be able to love you the way you want, and I’ll never be able to forgive you enough to even try and pretend like I do. You left me first. You left me and Chris!”

He hears some shuffling at the end of the hall, and he wants to curse the universe. Buck knew he was divorced, knew that Christopher’s mom hadn’t been in the picture in quite some time, but this was not how he imagined introducing Buck to this part of his life. And if he was being honest with himself, he had no plans introducing Buck to the nasty, messy, broken pieces of his past. Everything with Buck is good. It’s good and pure, Eddie has no desire to taint it. Now it’s being tainted against his will, and Eddie’s not strong enough to stop the rolling stone. 

“Eds,” Buck mumbles sleepily, burying his face into Eddie’s neck. “What’s going on? Why are you yelling?”

“Buck,” he says, already feeling himself relax in the presence of Buck’s sleepy warmth. “It’s okay. Go back to bed. I’ll be there soon. Please, sweetheart. Please.”

He’s begging now, doing everything he can to stop the inevitable messy fallout. If he can just get Buck away from Shannon, and the person Shannon always seems to make Eddie, he can fix it. He can fix them. He can stop this train wreck in its tracks. The universe, however, has never been particularly kind to Eddie Diaz.

“Oh,” Shannon says, her voice breathy with surprise. “You weren’t kidding. You really… you really are gay.”

Buck pulls away and fixes Shannon with an incredulous stare, and Eddie watches in horror as it slowly drops and broadcasts Buck’s deepest insecurities for the world to see. Eddie knows that Buck knows who Shannon is. Because Buck isn’t stupid, despite what other people think of him, and Shannon looks a lot like Chris. He used to joke and say that it was better that way but now he hates it, he hates it to his very core.

“You’re…” Buck swallows and pulls away from Eddie, and Eddie wants to sob at the loss of warmth. “You’re Chris’s mom.”

“She is,” Eddie says, seeing no reason to lie to Buck, but cutting in quick enough to cut off whatever Shannon was about to say. “But she’s leaving. Right now.”

“Eddie-” Shannon looks hurt, and that only fuels Eddie’s anger. She has no right. She has no right to be hurt, not after what she did to his kid, to him. Not after what she’s currently doing to his beautiful boyfriend, and this wonderful life they have. 

“No,” Eddie snaps. “You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to fucking do that. You don’t get to just leave me and Chris with nothing but a fucking note, and just show up whenever you fucking feel like it. Go away.”

“Eddie-”

“No!” Eddie snaps again. “You don’t get to just leave us. You don’t get to come back and act like you didn’t. You hurt us. You hurt Christopher. You don’t get to just come back and pretend like you didn’t.” 

He shuts the door in her face, cutting off all the excuses he knows she has waiting on the tip of her tongue, and when he turns to go back to the bedroom to grovel on his knees to his boyfriend, he finds himself face to face with Buck who has an armful of sleeping Lia, and a pink unicorn backpack slung on his back.

“What are you doing?” Eddie says, panic pressing against his throat, making it hard to breathe. 

“I’m leaving, Eddie,” And while both of them are making a conscious effort to keep their voices down in order to not wake their daughter, this conversation seems way too loud in the way too big space between them. “What does it look like?”

“But why?” Eddie asks, pressing his palm into his temple to stop the beginnings of what he knows is about to be an epic headache, and to stop him from doing something stupid, like reaching out to Buck and making him run. 

Eddie feels like he’s teetering on the edge, one wrong move and everything comes toppling down. He hasn’t felt like this since his parents tried to take Christopher from him and he hates it. He hates how nothing in this situation is in his control anymore.

“It’s like you’re having a lover spat in the middle of your living room with your ex. Can you imagine how that makes me fucking feel?” 

“I don’t love Shannon! You, Chris and Lia take up my entire damn brain. There’s never a moment I don’t fucking think of you. I’m pissed because she walked out on my kid. My beautiful, kind, amazing kid who had to grow up thinking he wasn’t enough for people to stay, because of her! You of all people should understand how fucking pissed I am.”

Buck deflates, and Eddie recognizes the low blow for what it is, but that doesn’t stop the relief coursing through his blood at the thought that this fight is over before it’s even began. They haven’t fought yet, and if they fight over Shannon, Eddie is never going to be able to forgive himself.

“I love you.” Eddie tells Buck, and Buck finally looks at him, his blue eyes big and earnest. “I’m in love with you, and I love Lia, and this life with you. I don’t love Shannon. Okay? I’m just angry at her for abandoning Chris, and for showing up like it didn’t fucking matter. I’m pissed at her for doing that to me, to us, especially after what happened last night. I’m sorry.”

“Okay,” Buck says softly. 

“Okay?” Eddie asks. “Does that mean we’re okay?”

“Yeah,” Buck says, smiling at him. Eddie tries to ignore the fact that the smile is fake and smiles back at him.

“Good, now go lay Lia back down, and come back to bed. I just want to hold you for a moment.”

Moments later, when Buck is settling himself in Eddie’s arms, Eddie pulls him close, breathing in the vanilla smell from his expensive ass shampoo, and tries to convince himself that everything is okay. They’re okay.

  ︱⑄︱

Their house didn’t stir until almost twelve, and for that, Eddie was thankful. That means neither Chistopher or Lia had heard the debacle with Shannon, and Eddie could live in denial about it for a little bit longer.

“Christopher!” Eddie calls. “Hurry up, it’s lunch!”

“In a moment Dad, I’m looking for my switch so I can take it to Bobby and Athena’s to play with Harry.”

“Buck!”

“Yeah?” Buck called from the kitchen where he was making Pancakes with Lia. 

“Have you seen Chris’s switch?”

“No! Has he checked the charging port?”

Eddie went to answer before the doorbell rang, startling him. No one was supposed to be over now. Everyone who it could be was either on shift, or they'd at least text before they showed up.

“I’ll get it.” Lia called, running to the door.

“Lia! No!” Eddie snapped, managing to catch her just as she opened the door. “What did Daddy and I tell you about opening the door?”

“Not too,” Lia pouts. “I’m sorry, I forgot.”

“That’s right. Please go wait with Daddy in the kitchen.” Eddie says, before turning to look at the person on the steps, coming face to face with the Buckley’s. They look just like that pompous ass picture Chimney showed him the other day at the station, and they have the audacity to look at him like he’s beneath them. Anger fills him yet again, thrumming painfully in his blood, singing out to him with the loud thumping noise in his head. 

“What are you doing here?” He snaps, unable to help himself. Buck can be mad at him about it later, he doesn’t care. They don’t get to hurt Buck and just show up at Eddie’s house. It’s ridiculous, and Maddie will be hearing an earful about giving his address to these pathetic people later. 

“Excuse me, our son is here.” Phillips snaps.

“Absolutely not.” Eddie says. “Unless you’re here to apologize to my boyfriend, and my daughter, you’re not allowed to be here.”

“B-boyfriend...” Phillip stutters out, and Eddie raises an eyebrow.

“Eds, what’s going on?” Buck says, coming to stand by him, before going pale, realizing it was his parents. He hates that kicked puppy look that Buck has. He hates everything about this day. He hates the universe more than anything at this very moment. They can't catch a damn break. 

“Don’t worry, they were just leaving.” Eddie says.

“No,” Margaret said. “We weren’t. We would really like to talk, Evan.”

“No,” Buck says. “There’s nothing to talk about. You said it all last night. And it’s Buck.”

Lia managed to push her way through their legs and Margaret cooed when she saw her. 

“Hi Aurelia,” she says.

“It’s Lia.” Lia says, and Buck can just hear the sass she’s picked up from Eddie recently coming through. “You make Daddy sad; you should leave. I don’t want you here anymore, Margaret and Phillip.”

Buck and Eddie make no move to reprimand her, sharing looks that read Allowed? Oh, totally and Margaret stutters. Eddie feels a terrible sense of pride and vindictiveness. 

“Why I’d never… did this disrespect come from you, Evan? You truly are a bad father.” The group is silent, Buck’s face falling once more, and Eddie... Eddie just can’t stand it.

“If you do not leave, I will make you leave. Get the hell off my porch.” He snarls. “He’s the best dad, to both our daughter and our son. Our kids absolutely adore him. It’s a wonder he turned out to be such a good one when he had you as parents. You’re worth half of him.”

“Evan, are you really going…”

“I told you to get the hell off my porch!” Eddie snaps, placing himself in front of Lia and Buck. “I’m not telling you again.” Margaret, however, makes one last ditch effort. That fucking idiot. He doesn’t understand how either of these people resulted into Evan Buckley.

“Aurelia, sweetheart, don’t you want to see your grandparents?”

Lia, bless her heart, cocks her head at them confused.

“You’re not Pops or Nana.” Lia says. “Pops and Nana don’t lie to Daddy saying he’s a bad daddy, you’re mean. I don’t like you. Dad, make them go. I don’t want them here.”

Eddie smirks at the Buckley’s. 

“Alright you heard her, now leave.” Slamming the door on someone has never felt so good. 

“You know,” Buck says, picking up Lia, rubbing his cheek against her curls. “I think after that, we all deserve ice cream. What do you think, Dad?”

Lia looks at him with big hopeful, blue eyes and Eddie has no chance of saying no. 

“Chris! Let's go get some ice cream!” 

Seeing both kids, and Buck laughing in the Jeep, ice cream dribbling down chins is so worth the clean up later.

  ︱⑄︱

Bobby is furious at the Buckley’s when Buck had finished his story, and honestly, if it wasn’t for the fact that Lia was in his lap, rattling off space facts she had learned from both Chris and Buck, Buck was sure that Bobby would’ve already been halfway to Maddie’s by now to give his parents a piece of his mind. 

“That’s fucking despicable,” Bobby swears, and Buck blinks in surprise at both his language and the venom in his tone. “That’s fucking disgusting, kid.”

Lia fixes Bobby with a reproachful glance, halting in her rapid speed fire space facts to indignantly tell him…

“That’s a bad word, Pops. You got to put a dollar in the swear jar.”

Bobby hands her a dollar and turns back to Buck. He must see something like disbelief in Buck’s expression because he’s doubling down on what he says.

“No, kid. I mean it. That’s despicable. They had you in contest with a ghost your whole life and didn’t even have the audacity to tell you. You’ve been competing against a dead person, and you had no idea. You were never going to win, and they let you spend your life, thinking you could.  They didn’t give you or your sister a chance to mourn your brother and ignored the two live children they had. They let you suffer over a situation of their own creation, and they didn’t care. It’s disgusting. I’m so sorry.”

Buck sniffles and forces a smile on his face. Bobby cups his neck and gives him a sad smile. Nothing more needs to be said. They both hear the unspoken words between them.

  ︱⑄︱

Luckily Chim isn’t up in the lodge when they get to work in the morning, because Eddie isn’t too sure what he would say to him if he was.

The team is horrified as Buck finishes the story about Daniel, and always hurting himself as a kid, and Eddie can tell it’s making him uncomfortable, so he tries his best to joke. 

“This explains so much about you,” he says with a laugh that he hopes no one can tell is fake.

“It’s a miracle that you even survived childhood,” Hen says, and Eddie has to agree. 

“It’s a miracle he even survived yesterday,” he says, still trying to joke although Buck’s next words make him fall silent, and clutch at his coffee cup in a desperate attempt to not get up and punch something.

“It’s the only way I could get their attention. Guess now we know why. They never wanted another kid, they just had me for parts, defective parts as it turned out.”

“Hey, that’s not on you,” Eddie insists for what seems to be the one hundredth time, but he doesn’t care. He’ll insist a million more times, or however long it takes to take hold in Buck’s head. 

“I doubt they would agree.” Buck says with an awful laugh that Eddie absolutely hates. He glances at Bobby and Hen, begging them to jump in and agree with him.

“Can you talk to them about it?” Bobby asks.

“What am I going to say?” Buck shrugs. “Hey, I’m really sorry about your dead son, but can we just talk about me for a minute?”

“Daniel wasn’t their only son, Buckaroo,” Hen says. “You’re important too.”

“Sure,” Buck says, clasping and unclasping his hands. “Just uh just not to them.” And that breaks Eddie’s heart into a million pieces, and he can see that Hen and Bobby isn’t doing that much better. 

“Sorry, I’m late Cap,” Chimney says, walking up the stairs, and Eddie wants to punch him in the face at the sudden appearance of tension in Buck’s shoulder and the way he promptly looks away. “Hey, can we talk in private?”

“Uh no,” Buck laughs that awful, horrible laugh again. “No need. Come on. They already heard the story.”

“Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Chimney says, actually looking sorry. “Believe me, I wanted to…”

“I get it,” Buck says, cutting him off, as Buck starts walking down the stairs. “Maddie put you in a tough spot. She fucking does that.”

“You need to call her, Buck,” Chimney goes to follow him down, but Eddie quickly blocks his path. “She really wants to talk to you.”

“No,” Eddie says, stretching his arm out to stop Chimney from going around him. “No. You don’t get to do that. Not after what you did. Leave him alone.”

“He’s got to talk to Maddie.”

“No,” Eddie says, his hands shaking. “No, he doesn’t have to fucking do anything. And you know what, I hope you got what you wanted, Chim. I hope you got what you wanted from keeping that fucking shitty secret, and whatever it was that you wanted, I hope it keeps you up all fucking night. Just like it keeps Buck up all night.”

“Eddie, you have to understand, I have a responsibility to Maddie as her boyfriend-”

“I don’t give a shit about your responsibility to Maddie. What about your responsibility to Buck? You were friends with him long before you ever met Maddie. And I told you earlier, and I’m telling you now, I’m fucking sick of you claiming to be his friend, his brother, and then doing shit like this.”

Eddie knows that his words have hurt something inside of Chim, struck something that’s been rotten and festering ever since Maddie dropped this life bomb and had him keep it from Buck, he can tell from the way his words make Chim flinch, but Eddie can’t find himself to care. Chimney could’ve told Buck at any point; he could’ve told him instead of some crazy bomber, but he didn’t. Chimney can deal with this fall out.

Chimney nods, and Eddie watches as he walks away in the opposite way of Buck.

  ︱⑄︱

Bobby seems to be wanting to keep Buck busy today, because Bobby instructs him to clean the trucks. And it seems to help, the noise in his head seems to quiet down as he does the repetitive motions of soapy circles with his sponge. He’s okay and everything is calm, until he catches sight of Maddie’s reflection behind him. 

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay, because you’re not answering my calls,” Maddie says, and Buck has never wanted his sister to leave more in his life. He sighs, drops his sponge, and moves to walk away. He should’ve known that Maddie wouldn’t let this go, because she follows him.

“Please just give me a chance-”

“Twenty-nine years,” He snarls at her, interrupting whatever bullshit she was about to say to him. “Why is it now suddenly such an emergency?”

“Because you won’t talk to me,” Maddie says, and Buck finds himself wanting to laugh at how hurt she looks. She doesn’t know the meaning of hurt, and some sick, twisted part of him hates her for looking like he kicked her puppy when she was the one who unraveled him at his seams. “And you’re here working, and you probably shouldn’t be.”

“No,” he says with a sarcastic chuckle, turning to move away from her yet again. “No, you don’t get to take that away from me too.”

“I wasn’t trying to take that away from you,”

“We were supposed to be a team!” Buck snaps. “Us versus them. That’s what we always said. Turns out it was you three versus me this entire time. And now… now you’re not here for me. No, you’re here to make yourself feel better.”

“Evan!”

“For the love of God, Maddie,” He finally yells, not caring who hears. “Get the fuck out of here! Leave me the goddamn hell alone!”

And suddenly Eddie is there, and he’s so grateful because Eddie will know what to do, Eddie will make her leave. 

“Take a walk, Buckley,” Eddie says, pressing his hand hard into his shoulder, forcing Buck to take a walk. And for the first time in his life, he’s all too excited to follow orders. He sends one last glare at his sister and walks away. 

  ︱⑄︱

Buck’s footsteps echo in the abnormal silence of a normally loud fire station, and Eddie is left alone with one of the individuals who had the power to tear their life apart. He can’t even look at her, he’s so angry.

“You’re pissed.” And it’s not a question. 

“Yeah, Maddie. I’m pretty pissed.” Eddie says, knowing there’s no point in hiding it. “I’m so fucking pissed, and you want to know why? Because I had to pick up every single fucking broken piece of your brother last night. Me. I did that. I put him back together after you unraveled him. And the worst part about all of this, was that you told Chimney way before you ever told Buck, your own brother, the one the secret was about. You let him spend his whole life believing that something was wrong with him, that he needed to hurt himself to be loved.  And then you had the audacity to tell your parents where I lived, where my kid lives, knowing they’d come there and ambush him.”

“They said they wanted to say sorry!”

“Did you truly believe that?!” Eddie snaps. “Do you truly believe that your parents are capable of apologizing?! Please. You cannot possibly be that naive, Maddie! I get that you want a relationship with your parents, I get that they are good for you, but they’re not for him! So, stop trying to force Buck into one!”

Tears appear in Maddie’s eyes, and before Eddie has the chance to feel guilty, the bell rings, and he’s running for the truck. As they’re strapping in, Buck knocks his knee against his, and flashes him a real smile, and Eddie knows right then and there.

He’d stand between both Heaven and Hell for this man. He’d give his life for this man and his daughter. Buck was home. Buck would always be home. He was in love with Buck in a way that poets wrote about, in a way that people wrote love songs about. 

He flashes Buck a smile and knocks his boot against his three times. 

I love you.

Buck’s answering smile tells him all that he needs to know. Eddie can’t believe what a joy it is to be loved by Evan Buckley. 

Eddie’s going to fix this. He’s going to fix all of it. They, at the very least, deserve that.

Chapter Text

He and Shannon attend therapy. It was Buck’s idea. He feels a little guilty letting his and Buck’s relationship dictate his and Shannon’s but Buck has always been there. He’s not sure how to navigate this without him.

They introduce Shannon to Chris again a month into therapy, and Chris is so happy. Buck and Shannon become fast friends, Shannon coming around to the idea that Eddie’s gay a lot faster than he thought she would.

Lia doesn’t understand it, and a conversation he overhears between her and Buck makes him wanna claw his skin off with guilt.

“Since Chris’s Mommy came back, does that mean we have to leave?”

“No, baby, we don’t have to leave. It just means more people to love Chris. That’s all, sweetheart.” Buck says, and Eddie’s heart soars. He loves how Buck sees this as an opportunity for more love for his son. He loves how Buck isn’t bitter. Buck is good like that, he’s so good.

“Is my mommy coming back?” Lia asks, and Eddie wants to cry.

“I don’t know, baby girl. I’m sorry.”

He should’ve known this would open old wounds that had never quite stopped bleeding. And he hates the fact that what’s making his son so happy is hurting his daughter, and he hates Abby Clarke. He hates Abby Clarke with a deep passion.

Buck’s tried to call her four times this week, and every time it’s a different excuse. She’s too busy, she has a thing, she’s gotta go to work, it’s always something and Eddie thinks he hates it more than he’s ever hated anything in his life.

Lia has grown more clingy as a result, the nightmares have gotten worse, and his boyfriend hasn’t slept in so long. That changes tonight. He has Shannon take Chris, and has a little birdie (Hen) whisper in Bobby’s ear that he needs some Lia and Pops time.

He goes and picks up Thai food because that’s Buck’s favorite, and he loves Buck. It’s weird to think about that. He loves Buck. He didn’t think he could ever be this happy, and yeah, sure, his kid made him happy. He loves his kid, he’d die for his kid, his kid was an integral part of his soul, but something was always missing, something he thought he lost deep in the cold sands of Afghanistan. He didn’t know that being loved like this, wholeheartedly, could feel so good, so warm.

He loved Shannon, he did, but not like this. It was nothing like this. This achy, blinding warm, he has to scream it from the rooftops because he’s so in love and he doesn’t care who knows it love. He loves watching Buck sing and dance to Taylor Swift from the passenger seat, he loves how Buck always leans over and kisses him at the red light, everytime without fail, and he loves how Buck always has flowers for him every friday. Buck has his back. Eddie knows this, and he loves him so much for it. Buck would never dream of leaving him to drown by himself. He jumped into the messy pool that was Eddie’s life and reminded him he knew how to swim. He loves him.

It’s too soon to think about marriage but Eddie knows, he can feel it in his very bones, he’s going to marry this man. It’s too soon to talk about dying, he’s only thirty-two, but he knows that he has to go before Buck because he could not bear the grief that would come with loving Buck and losing Buck.

He can hear his dad telling him now, just as he had when he married Shannon, “Es demasiado pronto, mijo. Todavía eres joven.”

But it’s not too soon, it’s not soon enough. He knows what he wants, and he knows what Buck wants, so he drops Chris off with Shannon, and he heads to the hardware store to grab three or four cans of external paint.

And that’s where Buck finds him four hours later, straight off a 24 hour, covered in white paint and it is only half finished.

Buck laughs, and Eddie finds the paint drying all sticky and itchy on his skin totally worth it at the sight and sound of his boyfriend’s joy.

“Eds, silly, what are you doing?”

“I wanted…” It seems silly now, speaking it out loud but he’s come this far, so he gets it all out. “You always talked about how you wanted the white picket fence, two kids, a wife kind of life, and I can give you that, well maybe not the wife, but anyway. So I thought…”

“You painted your fence for me?” And Buck sounds so in awe, like no one could go through this effort for him. “You painted your fence to give me a white fence.”

“Yeah, Buck, of course I did.” Eddie whispers, dropping his paintbrush to cup his face. “I love you, Evan James Buckley. You’re my entire heart besides Lia and Chris. You gave me something I didn’t know was even missing. And I know I’m not a wife, and I’m stubborn and sometimes stupid, but I love you. I love you so much.”

“You painted your fence,” Buck says, tears appearing in his eyes. “You painted your fence to give me my dream, Eds, this is… you’re all I’ve ever wanted. I didn’t need the fence baby, I had you, and Chris and Lia and that was perfect. You made it better.”

“I’ll always make it better, sweetheart,” Eddie laughs. “I want you to just be happy. I want you to be happy here with me, and if that means painting this stupidly long fence, no quit laughing Buck, I’m not kidding, it is so long, then I will. I’ll do that. For you. You’re worth the effort, Evan. You always have been.”

They leave the fence half finished, and Eddie takes a shower to scrub the paint off of him. Buck makes a joke about how he’s wearing more paint than the fence, and he laughs, before pushing Buck away.

They eat the cold Thai food, and Eddie spends the next twenty minutes trying to explain what happened in the latest telenovela that they’ve been watching, as Buck lays on his chest, frowning intently.

“So they got married?”

“Yes, Buck, where have you been? That was last season!”

“I don’t know what they’re speaking, Eds, but it’s not Spanish. This is like that one language in that one game with the people, and you build things?”

“The Sims? Did you really just compare Spanish to the fake language in a game?!”

“...No?”

Eddie can do nothing but laugh and kiss him. He’s glad he gets to do this now. Kissing Buck has to be his favorite thing to do now. He never wants to stop. He thinks he’s addicted.

And Buck falls asleep, his legs all tangled up with Eddie, he’s slightly drooling, and Eddie knows his back is going to kill him tomorrow, but he’ll bear it. He’ll bear anything for Buck.

Eddie Diaz loves Evan Buckley. Forever. He can’t imagine life without him.

Chapter Text

He’s fine after the Daniel reveal. He’s great, even. And that’s what he tells everyone when they ask, and then he distracts them with talks of Lia’s birthday party. 

He didn’t grow up having a big party, his parents didn’t celebrate his birthday, and even now, after he knows why, he still feels the sting of rejection. He refuses to let his daughter feel that way, like she’s less than. She will never be less than. 

“She wants a what?” Bobby exclaims. Buck tries not to laugh, he had pretty much the same reaction when Lia told him what she wanted for a cake. 

“She wants Daylight,” Buck tells him seriously, his lips twitching. “Like the song, Pops. The song by Taylor Swift? You know, her favorite song?”

“Kid, how on earth am I going to make Daylight into a cake?”

“Well, I brought her CD cover,” Buck says, handing it over to Bobby, the man takes it with a confused look on his face. “Figured you could get inspiration from that. You can do it, Bobby, I believe in you.”

Later in the day, he feels a little bad giving Bobby a next to impossible cake to make, because the decorations she wants seem a little impossible to achieve. He’s going to do it though. He’s always going to come through for his daughter.

Which is why he’s curled up at his kitchen table, trying really hard not to let out a string of curse words, when Eddie finds him next.

“You okay?” Eddie asks with a laugh. Buck groans and makes himself sit up.

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

“Are you sure?” Eddie asks, studying him. “You seem stressed.”

“Yeah, I’m okay. It’s nothing, really.” He should be able to do this on his own and he’s going to. This is not that hard. He refuses to let decorations beat him.

“Well, you’re clearly stressed about something, baby, and I can’t help unless you tell me what it is,” Eddie says softly. “Please let me in. Whatever it is, you can trust me.”

Buck knows that he can trust Eddie, Eddie won’t laugh at him, it’s Eddie. Father extraordinaire, secret lover of Rihanna’s Breaking Dishes , his partner, his love. Eddie wouldn’t ever laugh at him, he knows this. It still doesn’t stop him from being hesitant to tell him. 

“My parents… they  never really cared about my birthday. I mean, we know why now, but growing up, it always felt really bad. And Maddie tried her best, she really did but she’s ten, twelve, thirteen. There’s not much she can really do. I don’t want Lia to feel like that, and I know I’m not going to be able to protect her from all of it with Abby, but I can make sure she doesn’t feel like I did growing up from my side. I want to do this. I have to do this. She’s my kid.”

Eddie nods, and takes a seat beside him.

“Let me know what I can do. Can’t leave my best girl hanging, now can I?”

Buck feels his heart swell as he quickly informs Eddie on what to do.

____________

Sunday night family dinner has begun to include Shannon. Her and Buck exchange cooking tips, and make fun of Eddie, and Eddie begins to regret ever letting the two of them become friends. Dinner is a quiet affair mostly, the kids talking about school and other things, before something Lia says shocks Buck.

“My mommy is coming to my birthday,” Lia tells Shannon, and Buck promptly drops his glass. The sound seems to startle Lia. “Daddy!”

“It’s fine, baby, I’m fine. It just slipped,” Buck soothes her as he pushes back his chair, with a look to Eddie. He should probably clean up the glass but it’s clear that at this moment, his daughter is more important. He clears his throat and looks at her. “Sweetheart, why do you think Mommy is coming to your party?”

“She told me.” This was news to him. He hadn’t been able to get Abby on the phone in ages. When did she- “Carla let me call her off her phone and she said she’d be here.”

“You know, Mommy,” Buck takes a deep breath and presses on. He knows Abby. He knows how she operates, and he refuses to let his kid get her hopes up only to be crushed on her birthday. “Mommy might not be able to make it. Mommy lives really far away.”

“No, she pinky promised.” Lia insists before turning back to her chicken. He’s quiet for the rest of dinner. He doesn’t have the energy for anything else.

_________

“What’s going on?” Eddie asks him after Shannon and Chris leave, and they have Lia set in front of her tablet with a show and a snack while they clean the kitchen. “You’ve been quiet ever since Lia told you Abby was coming to her birthday.”

“She’s going to bail,” Buck tells Eddie, focusing on loading up his dishwasher, trying to push back the rush of negative emotions he has. “She always does. It’s why she wasn’t answering my calls or texts about it. She’s going to bail. I just know it; I don’t know why she told Lia she was coming. God, she always does this! She always does this and I just let her! God, why do I let her? I’m an awful parent. God!”

“You didn’t let her, sweetheart,” Eddie soothes. “You had no idea Lia would call her off Carla’s phone. You didn’t let her promise Lia something that she had no intention of fulfilling. You didn’t let her do this. I promise. You’re not a bad dad. Lia and Chris, both love you. It’s okay.”

He feels a lot better after talking to Eddie. It feels like somehow every word that Eddie says saves his life.

“I love you.” He tells Eddie. Eddie’s answering smile and quickly pressed kiss to his forehead tells him all he needs to know.

_______

It’s the day of Lia’s party which starts in two hours, and already he’s on the phone arguing with Abby. She’s bailed just like he thought she would.

“No Abby, I’m not doing that! I’m not telling our daughter that you bailed yet again. You can do that yourself.”

Abby sighs, as if Buck is getting on her nerves, and he feels a slight sense of vindictiveness. Good, it should get on her nerves to bail on their kid. 

“Buck, I don’t have time for this, tell her I said happy birthday and I’ll get her a big gift.”

“No, stop trying to buy her forgiveness, Abby, I-”

“Bye Buck.” At the dial tone, he lets out a frustrated groan and throws his phone on the bed. 

Bobby watches him from the door frame with a concerned look on his face. Buck clenches his eyes shut; he doesn’t have the guts to look at his father figure, Lia's grandpa, as he tells him he failed his daughter yet again. He can't face him while being a failure. He feels it's disrespectful.

“I knew it. I told Eddie this would happen, and she’s… she’s a coward !” The word burns in his throat on the way out, and it makes him feel almost sick to his stomach as he insults Abby, but he can’t help it. He’s angry and that’s what she is. “She can’t even tell her herself; I have to tell her! Like always. She keeps putting me in a position where I have to hurt Lia, and I hate it!”

Bobby says nothing, maybe he’s learned by now that there’s nothing, he could say to this. Nothing he can say will give Lia the mother she desperately wanted and deserved. Bobby grips his shoulder hard instead, trying to ground him. There are no flowy words that Bobby can use to make this better, and Buck is glad he doesn’t try. Buck doesn't deserve it. He deserves to feel this bad. Especially when he thinks about how bad Lia is going to feel later. Bobby leaves him to his thoughts as he goes to greet the guests.

He doesn’t want to tell Lia, so he decides that he won’t until she asks. Luckily, she becomes pretty distracted by Eddie’s appearance.

“Dad!” Lia calls out, running towards him. “You’re here!”

“Of course I’m here, princesa ,” Eddie laughs, picking her up. “It’s my best girl’s birthday!”

“Daddy said you would come, but that you would be late, because you have no sense of Regency.”

“Urgency,” Eddie corrects while fixing Buck a look. “Did he now?”

“Yes, chronically late Eddie, I did,” Buck rolled his eyes with a fond smile. “I told no lies. Didn’t you know it’s bad to lie?”

Lia gasps and looks at Eddie. 

“You lied, Dad?”

“What?! No, I didn’t. I didn’t lie.” Eddie laughs, blowing a raspberry into her cheek. Lia laughs and tries to squirm away from him.

“No, Dad!” She says sternly, putting her hands on her hip as best she can while being in Eddie’s arms, and levels Eddie with a look that Buck knows immediately she got from Athena. “No! It’s my birthday so you have to listen to me, Dad. It’s the birthday rules.”

“It’s the birthday rules, huh, mija?” Eddie asks as Lia nods. “Well, can’t break the birthday rules, now, can we?”

"Of course we can't, Dad," she says before squirming until Eddie lets her down and she runs off.

“So still no Abby?” Eddie asks, and Buck feels his face fall.  Of course Eddie would notice she’s not there yet. Eddie takes one look at his face and takes a deep breath. “No. She bailed?!”

“Just like I said she would. Called me this morning, she said to tell Lia she’d get her a big gift as if that’s just going to make up for it. Couldn’t even tell Lia herself. Lia doesn’t know. I don’t want to ruin her day.”

Eddie goes to say something to him, but they’re interrupted by Lia calling for Buck to come help her with a bubble wand. He hands Eddie a fresh beer, and salutes him, walking away.

“Duty calls,” He laughs. Eddie laughs in return. Oh, how Eddie just loves him. He takes a seat beside Chimney, and it’s pretty quiet before Chimney is interrupting the silence.

“So, Dad, huh?” Chimney asks Eddie. Eddie spares him a look before turning back to watch Chris in the sandbox. Everything had been alright after he had gone off on all of them after the truck bombing and they had apologized. But Eddie would be lying if he said he had forgiven them as easily as Buck did. “When did that start?”

“Right after the bombing,” Eddie says, taking a sip of his beer. He doesn’t owe Chimney an explanation, but he knows that Chimney will keep asking until he gets something, and he doesn’t want to out him and Buck, so he repeats Lia’s reason back to him. “She started it because Chris calls me Dad.”

Chimney nods, and as if sensing that’s the most Eddie wants to say to him, he ends the conversation. 

__________

He’s got to admit, the cake is beautiful. For all the information that he had, Bobby has really outdone himself. It’s the same colors as the Lover cover is and it’s covered white fluffy clouds. 

“You ready, sweetheart?” Buck asks, setting the cake in front of her, being prepared to light the candles on her go ahead.

“No Daddy!” Lia says, looking around. “We can’t cut the cake yet, Mommy’s not here!”

Buck thinks he hates Abby. He feels awful for saying that. Abby was his first love, his first real relationship, and she gave him his beautiful, crazy child. He still thinks he hates her. He hates himself for thinking that. He shouldn’t think that. It’s wrong of him.

He slowly lowers himself to Lia’s level, and takes a deep breath, before speaking to her softly.

“Baby, you know how I said Mommy maybe couldn’t make it?”

“Yes, she can, Daddy, she promised. She pinky swore just like you and Dad and Aunt Maddie and Pops do.” 

This sucks. He wishes someone had told him about this side of parenting, the side where no matter how much you tried not to, you end up hurting your kid. He hates this. He hates Abby. He hates how she used the pinky promise knowing how much it means to him and Lia, and he hates that she ruined it. He hates that she left him to pick up the pieces yet again.

“Sweetheart,” He whispers, brushing her hair behind her ear. He hates that he has to be the one to break her heart yet again. “Mommy called me this morning. She’s not coming. I am so sorry.”

The entire party’s gone silent, and Lia just stares at him. He can feel Eddie’s presence at his back, waiting to see if he should step in. 

“She’s not coming?” Lia asks him, her bottom lip wobbling. 

Buck swallows hard and shakes his head.

“No baby, she’s not coming.” It only takes a few more minutes before Lia is throwing herself into his arms, sobbing. He quickly picks her up, tells Bobby to go ahead and cut the cake while he takes her inside. She doesn’t need an audience while she processes this newest abandonment. 

He slowly sways side to side in Bobby’s living room, whispering soothing words that don’t seem to have any effect, and presses kisses all over her head. Eddie joins him shortly after, and doesn’t say anything, Buck is grateful for that. Eddie runs his fingers through Lia’s unruly curls and lightly sings a lullaby in Spanish. 

She pulls away from him, and Buck’s heart breaks all over again at his daughter’s puffy red eyes, runny nose, and little sniffles.

“Daddy,” She sniffs. 

“Yes, baby girl?” He asks, grabbing a wipe from her backpack to gently clean her face. “Do you want to go out and eat some cake?”

She shakes her head, moving to rest it on his chest. 

“Can you sing the rainbow song?”

It’s been a while since Lia had requested Somewhere over the Rainbow. He had sung it to her a lot at bedtimes when she was younger and hadn’t quite got into Taylor Swift yet. Maddie had sung it for him, and he had done the same with his daughter. She must feel really bad to be asking for it now.

“Sure, my little love,” Buck whispers, kissing her temple. “I’ll sing it. Do you want Dad to stay or go outside?”

“Want him to stay with me.” She sniffles again, holding out her hand to Eddie. Eddie takes it with a small smile and presses a kiss to her palm. 

Somewhere over the rainbow

Way up high

There's a land that I heard of once in a  lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow

Skies are  blue.

And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come  true.

He hopes one day Abby becomes the mother that Lia dreams of. He’ll fight with Abby about this later, but for now, he’s content to just hold her through the pain. He loves his daughter. He wishes he could give her more.

Chapter Text

Eddie is sending Chris to summer camp and Buck isn’t happy about it. 

“But Eddie, he’ll be so far away,” Buck whines, spinning on his stool with the brochure in his hands. “Lia won’t be able to handle it.”

“You mean you won’t be able to handle it, Buckley,” Eddie teases, trying to ignore how drawn up tight Buck’s shoulders are. They’ve been so tense since the birthday party and nothing Eddie has done has been able to fix it. “Don’t pin this on your kid.”

“Speaking of your kid,” Chimney asks, taking a seat across from them. “How’s she doing?”

“She’s- uh,” Buck laughs bitterly. “She’s- uh doing I suppose.”

“Drop off still hard?” Bobby asks, sending him a concerned look.

“Everything’s still hard,” Buck says, handing Eddie back his brochure, trying to not tear up at the remembrance of Lia clinging to him this morning when he dropped her off, screams of Daddy echoing behind him. “Drop off, bedtime, when we go grocery shopping, one of us has to be with her at all times and that’s still not always enough to stop her from getting hysterical. And I can’t promise her we won’t just leave her there or anywhere else because she doesn’t believe me. This isn’t just a thing that I can just pinky promise away because Abby promised she’d be there and then she wasn’t.”

Bobby’s face seems to echo Eddie’s thoughts, but like Eddie, he seems to know not to say anything bad about Abby. Buck wouldn’t allow it and it wouldn’t do any of them any good, it wouldn’t fix the problem. Lia would still be traumatized and Abby would still be a shitty mom and person. 

“I could take her tonight, give her some Pops and Nana time,” Bobby offers, and Buck and Eddie share an uneasy look.

“We offered that,” Buck tells him. “We’ve offered to call you, we’ve offered to take her to you. She… it’s just-”

“It’s just us.” Eddie cuts in, knowing by the sound of Buck’s voice he’s going to cry and trying to give him a break. “She only wants us. We left her alone for like five minutes yesterday with just Christopher while we went and got the stuff for movie night, and she just cried the whole time and we couldn’t get her to calm down enough for the movie. She won’t go with you if one of us isn’t with you. We’ve also tried it with Carla.”

Carla had felt so bad when she found out the results from the phone call, and she had spent the better part of two weeks apologizing to Buck, Lia, and Eddie. Buck waved it off, telling her she didn’t know so they couldn’t fault her. It would’ve happened even if Buck had been the one to call her. 

“I’m going to have to put her back in therapy,” Buck sighs. “Fucking hell.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that, kid,” Bobby assures him. “It doesn’t mean you’ve failed. If anything, you’re doing everything right. No parent can handle everything by themselves and Lia just needs a little bit of help that you can’t give her. It’s okay.”

“But I’m her dad,” Buck says, frustrated. “I should be able to help her. I don’t know why-”

“Because you’re only human, Buck.” Hen says. “She suffered from something traumatic. God knows how hard my mother tried to fix everything after my dad left but she just couldn’t. There’s no shame in asking for help. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad dad.”

“I used to worry about her getting sick, I thought that was the worst part of parenting,” Buck says. “That was probably repressed trauma from Daniel, now that I think about it, but now the worst part is the fact she screams for me every day and I can’t stay because I have to be here.”

“That’s life, kid,” Bobby laughs gently, clapping him on the shoulder. “Having a kid is like having your heart beating out of your body.”

Buck forces a smile, and Eddie goes to say something else before the alarm goes off.

________

This is the worst train wreck Buck’s ever seen, everything is on fire, and the train is hanging precariously. 

He hears Eddie arguing with someone, and he quickly rushes to join the conversation, but the face stops him cold.

“Abby?!” He gasps out. 

“Evan!” Abby sobs, turning to him. “My fiance is in there, please. You have to let me go in.”

Buck ignores the sick feeling in the pit of his gut as she brings up her fiancé and rapidly shakes his head. 

“No, you can’t go back in there,” He says. “I’ll get him out, I promise.”

Eddie is quiet as they race back into the train car with Bobby, and it’s becoming very clear that getting Sam out is going to be more difficult than Buck originally thought. 

“What’s the status, boys?” Bobby asks. 

“The girl has a better chance,” Eddie says quietly and Buck scoffs before turning to Bobby.

“We can get them both out, Bobby!”

“No, we can’t!” Eddie snaps, glaring at him. “And you’re only trying because you made a promise to his fiancé. Tell him who his fiancé is, Buck.”

“That doesn’t matter!” 

“Abby, his fiancé is Abby!”

“Okay, okay,” Bobby says, both placating father and concerned captain. “Buck, unfortunately, Eddie is right, she has more of a chance then Sam does,”

“No she doesn’t! I can do it, Bobby, if you just listen-“

“No, Buck! It’s dangerous and I’m tired of being on the other side of those doors!”

“I am not Athena, Bobby!”

“What the hell did you just say to me?”

“I am not Athena! Or Marcy!”

Bobby’s lip curls up, and Buck knows immediately he’s gone too far, but he doesn’t have time to feel guilty. 

“Fine,” Bobby snaps. “We’ll do it your way.”

Buck doesn’t remember the rescue, he doesn’t remember getting Sam out, he only comes too when Abby’s throwing her arms around him. 

He gently side steps her, because despite everything that happened that night, he’s still angry at her.

“Thank you so much, Evan. I’ll call you to set up a meet up time for Lia, okay?”

He wants to tell her to fuck off, to not bother, he doesn’t want her anywhere near his daughter, but he can’t do that. He can only nod numbly. 

Eddie ignores him on the way back to the station, Bobby ignores him too, and he’s so tired. He just wants his daughter. He wonders if it’ll be too much to call Carla to wake Lia and bring him to her, and he decides he doesn’t care. 

“Sure Buckaroo, I’ll bring her to you,” Carla promises. 

“Thank you, I owe you one,” He says, making a mental note to raise her salary. 

Carla brings his kid to him, all wrapped up in one of his work shirts, and shorts, and so sleep warm, and Buck hangs on to her a little tighter than normal. 

“Hi Daddy,” Lia whispered, sleepily. 

“Hi baby,” He says carrying her up the loft, and Eddie looks up as they cross the threshold.

“Is that my best girl?” Eddie laughs, coming over to them. 

“Hi Dad,” Lia mumbled, reaching her hand out to him, Eddie takes it, pressing a kiss to her palm. Buck melts at the sight of his boyfriend with his kid. 

“Hi princesa ,” Eddie says. “Did you have a good day at school today?”

Lia nodded, squeezing her eyes shut, as she nuzzled deeper into Buck’s hold. 

“I’m sorry,” Buck blurts out, biting his lip. Eddie startles for a moment before turning to him. “I just- he’s a dad, Eddie. And I thought that if it were me, I’d want someone to get me home to Lia. I’m sorry. I should’ve been better.”

“You should’ve,” Eddie sighs. “But I forgive you. It’s not okay but we’ll talk about it later. We’re okay, Buck. Now go take Pop’s girl to him and apologize.”

Buck nods, and Bobby greets both him and Lia with a smile. Buck apologizes, and Bobby forgives him. 

________

Abby texts him to meet her for Brunch the next morning, and Eddie offers to go with him. Shannon takes Lia, and Buck spends the next fifteen minutes with his bitchy ass boyfriend talking shit about his baby mama. 

He then has to spend the next twenty minutes with Abby, hearing some bullshit apology that isn’t really an apology. And he can’t take it anymore. 

“So what? You’d be lost being with me? Being Lia’s mom?

Abby nods, before smiling slightly at him, Buck staring pointedly in the horizon. 

“Yeah, I think that’s right.” She says. Buck waits for her to say something more, but when it’s become clear that she isn’t going to say anything more, he becomes angry, he becomes so angry. Did she think that was a good enough apology? That she could just waltz in and demand his daughter? She gave her up, and there was no forgiving that, and Buck, Buck had had enough.

“So what do you want from me Abby?” Buck snapped, finally finding the courage, the rage, to look at her. “Do you want me to tell you I’m happy for you, that you deserve this? You do not get to use my forgiveness to make yourself feel better, you do not get to be acquitted, free from guilt, from what you did to me, to Lia. I waited months, for a call, an email, a text, a crumb, a speck even of your attention to let me know you still cared about me, you still loved me, still loved our daughter, that I wasn’t waiting around for someone who wasn’t going to show, someone who wasn’t a ghost in their own life, in my life, in Aurelia’s life.” 

Buck has to take a breath, he doesn’t think he’s taken a breath this entire talk. He glances around to see Eddie staring at them, looking confused and maybe a little alarmed, and Buck continues, feeling a little bit better now that he knows Eddie is close by, just as Abby is about to say more.

“You don’t get to come in here and say you’d be lost being with me, when you left me here, you let me be lost, all by myself and you didn’t even care. You left my daughter, my beautiful, crazy, amazing daughter. You refuse her all the time, and leave me to pick up the pieces. Go fuck yourself Abby. I never want to see you again.”

“But Buck, she's our daughter. She’s half of me, she’s my daughter. I wanted to come here and apologize to you, I want her to be in my life. I’m ready. I want my girl.”

“She is not! She is mine! Just mine! I was there soothing every fever, when she took her first steps, when she said her first word! It was me. Not you. I was there for every birthday, every bedtime, every bad dream, her first day of school. You couldn’t even bother to show up. And when you do, we hate you for it. You leave disaster in your path and leave me to clean it up. You broke my daughter, she’s in therapy at five years old because of you. You fucked her up, and I’m done letting you. She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s so beautiful. She’s enough. I see everything you didn’t want to see. You’re done hurting my daughter. You’re done hurting me. Fuck you and your fake ass apology.”

Abby looks at him like she’s about to rebut whatever he says, sees her raising her hand, almost as if to strike him, and Buck stares her down. And suddenly Eddie is in between them, pulling him away from her, tossing a card at her feet.

“There’s my lawyer,” Eddie snaps. “You want to get to our daughter, have your lawyer contact mine.”

“Your daughter?” Abby scoffs. “You’re not even her parent.”

“I’m a helluva lot better than you.” Eddie snarls, and for a moment, Buck is shocked. This can’t be the same Eddie who grounds him during terrible calls, who kisses his daughter on the head whenever she brings him a picture, who patiently helps Christopher with his homework. “I’m done with you hurting my family, hurting Lia, hurting Buck. It ends now. Either contact my lawyer or get the fuck out and stay out.”

Abby leaves, and Eddie practically drags him to his jeep. It takes a few moments of Eddie trying to push him into the jeep before Buck comes too. 

“I love you,” Buck tells him, gripping him tightly in a hug. “Oh my god, I love you. That was so hot.”

“Oh yeah?” Eddie asks him, surprised. 

“Yeah,” Buck laughs. “I just told her off, Eddie. I did that.”

“About damn time,” Eddie grumbles. “Let’s get our kids, please.”

Buck feels different. He’s never fought with Abby before, not during the catfish thing, not even after she left. It’s strange to him. And as Buck picks their kids up from Shannon, he decides that his child yelling Daddy with yellow glitter all over her face and hair is well worth the fight. 

Chapter Text

“I’m just saying maybe you should let Abby see Lia,” Maddie said softly, taking a sip of her coffee. “Lia misses Abby. Maybe she means it this time.”

After the breakfast, Eddie and him had immediately gone back to pack up their children, and call an emergency team meeting at Bobby’s house, and Eddie was already regretting inviting Buck’s sister.

“This is a joke, right?” Buck snaps. It seems like Buck is having the same thought and Eddie has to stifle a laugh because this is seriously not funny. “You have to be joking. You can’t expect me to just let her see my daughter! You saw Lia at her birthday party!”

“Yeah, no.” Eddie says, shaking his head. “We’re not doing that. No way. We can’t risk Lia getting heart broken again over a maybe.”

“You’re not her parent, Eddie,” Maddie says gently. “She does have a mom-“

“I might as well be her parent,” Eddie snorts, cutting Maddie off. “And yeah she does have a mom who leaves every chance she gets. So no, I’m done holding that beautiful five year old little girl in my arms while she sobs her heart out about not being wanted. Abby isn’t seeing her. End of story.”

“I think maybe you two should call the police,” Hen cuts in, cutting off an argument. “Just to be safe.”

“You think I should call the police? For fucking what? She’s not just gonna step in and kidnap my daughter.” Buck says, frowning. 

“I’m just saying,” Hen says calmly like Eddie and Buck are moments away from losing their shit, (they were) “That mothers who want their daughter for any reason and do not have access to them can become kind of crazy. We’ve seen it on calls. I just want you two and Lia to be safe. That’s all.”

Buck frowns and turns to Bobby, desperate for comfort. 

“Do you… do you think she’d take me to court? What-what about Lia, Pops, I just-”

“She’s not going to take you to court, she won’t even be able to get a lawyer, a mom doesn’t get to just give up her kid and then demand her back. It doesn’t work like that.” Athena cuts in, interrupting his spiral. “And anyone can see you take good care of that girl. She’s loved and she’s healthy. No one is going to take her away from you.”

“We should move in together.” Eddie says, studying something on his phone.

“ What?” The table echoed, as Buck just blinked at him. They aren’t even out yet, what the fuck is Eddie doing. 

“Yeah, I agree. What?” Buck asks when it’s clear Eddie isn’t going to continue. 

“It says right here, custody battles go better if there’s two adults taking care of the child.” Eddie says, showing him. “Me and you already switch between your place and mine mosts nights, and it’ll be more comfortable for both of us and the kids, and save gas because less driving.”

“Yeah, that’s all good and all, but neither of us have enough room, which is why we switch.” Buck says slowly. 

“We can get a new place,” Eddie shrugs. “Your mortgage is paid off, mine has a little bit more but it shouldn’t be too hard to figure it out. Come on, Buckley, it makes the most sense.”

“Okay,” Buck blinks. He’s right. It does make the most sense. “Okay, why not?”

“You mean it? You wanna move in together? Oh my god, let me go get my computer. Holy shit.” Eddie says, standing up, grabbing his keys. “It’s in my truck, I’ll be right back.”

“Looks like we’re moving,” Chimney cheers, pulling out his phone. “Let’s find you guys the perfect place.”

___________

They do end up finding them the perfect place, and it takes a little under two weeks to call it theirs. 

It’s made for someone like Christopher and easy to modify, it’s got a great kitchen, and enough space that everyone gets their own room, although Buck is not sleeping away from Eddie, so it’s got a great guest room. It’s got a big backyard, and Christopher and Lia are already trying to wear them down in agreeing to a dog. 

He’s unpacking a box full of Lia’s things, and Eddie keeps distracting him by kissing him.

“Baby,” Buck laughs, pushing him away. “We gotta get this done. It’s almost dinner.” And as if waiting for her cue, he hears Lia call out from the living room.”

“Daddy! I’m hungry. Can we have ice cream for dinner?”

“I was thinking we could have some chicken nuggets with pineapples instead, and we can have ice cream later, how does that sound, baby girl?” He calls back, and she appears in the doorway. 

“Okay. Daddy, can I have your phone?” Lia asks.

“Yeah for like ten minutes, princess, we’ve totally gone over your screen time this weekend.” Buck says. “Chris, set the timer, and I’ll start dinner.”

The first dinner in their new home is not all that it’s cracked up to be, they’re sitting on boxes and the floor because Eddie can’t remember what exactly he did with either of their dining tables, but Buck wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Their home is filled with laughter already, and Eddie’s smiling. Eddie’s beautiful when he smiles, and Buck aches at the thought of how he hasn’t seen it in a while. Lia doesn’t eat all of her food, and Buck can’t find it in him to care, as she climbs into his lap.

“Love you, Daddy.” She says, taking a drink out of her cup, before grabbing tight to his shirt.

“I love you more than anything,” Buck tells his daughter as she clings to him. “More than all the stars, more than however big the universe is. I love you. You’re my greatest gift.”

He doesn’t know what he’d do without the three of them, even when later that night, Eddie insists that the thermostat has to be at sixty five degrees, and then hogs all of the blankets.

“Share your warmth with me,” Buck whines. “You’re a heater and I’m a cold ass bitch right now.”

“We’re in the middle of a heat wave,” Eddie complains. “How is your ass cold?”

Buck hits him with his pillow, and as Eddie kisses him to convince him of a truce, Buck falls a little bit more in love with his life.

His wonderful life.

Chapter Text

The custody battle is not fun, Buck thinks he hates it more than anything. He doesn’t even understand why this is happening. Abby has never wanted Lia. He’s been the only parent Lia has ever known until Eddie. He doesn’t understand why the courts are allowing this. He doesn’t understand why the universe is allowing this. 

“You know how I said that the ladder truck bombing was the worst experience of my life?” Buck asks into the stillness and silence of his bedroom. He knows Eddie’s not asleep. He and Eddie haven’t been sleeping, all tense on their respective side of their bed. 

“Yeah,” Eddie says quietly.”Why? What about it?”

“I lied. It wasn’t. Not even close. This is the worst experience of my life.”

“Buck-“

“No, Eddie. Court’s tomorrow, and in one final decision by people who don’t even know us, they could take my daughter away. They could take her away and give her to a stranger. Lia doesn’t know her. How fucked up is that? She doesn’t know anything about Lia. She doesn’t love Lia like I love Lia. What if she gives Lia something she’s allergic to? Or she forgets that Lia is afraid of the dark? Or tries to take her in the water, or-”

“Buck-“

“Eddie-“

“Buck baby,” Buck promptly shuts his mouth. That’s Eddie’s tired dad voice. It’s his you’re-spirlaling-I-love-you-but-I-need-you-to-get-it-together voice. “Stop borrowing possible grief from the future. We don’t know how tomorrow will turn out, but you have to believe that it will probably turn out in your favor. You’re a stable household, you have a job, you’re a firefighter, you’ve taken care of Lia by yourself for most of your life. You live with me and Chris. I’m a firefighter. She can’t take our girl, at least not without a fight. Abby doesn’t get to just waltz in here and play Mommy whenever she wants. It doesn’t work that way. They won’t just give Lia to her. It’ll be fine. I promise.”

Buck nods, listening to Eddie trying to soothe him and hoping that the world does not make his boyfriend a liar. 

______

Buck doesn’t sleep a wink, but it doesn’t matter. He’s wide awake the next morning. Bobby could only spare one of them due to being short staffed, so Eddie gets ready for work, and to take Christopher to school, while Buck puts him and his daughter into their best clothes. Lia and Chris seem to pick up on both Buck and Eddie’s somber and anxious moods, and their house is silent in a way it hasn’t been since they moved in. 

“Good luck, it’ll be fine, baby, I promise,” Eddie whispers, pressing a kiss against his cheek and Lia’s forehead, and he and Christopher are off. 

Buck doesn’t have the heart to tell him he doesn’t believe him.

Chapter Text

The court’s a flurry of activity that Buck doesn’t understand. They’re asking Abby questions, questions she can’t either answer or seem to understand. He thought he’d be happy seeing Abby’s incompetence as a mother showing for everyone to see, but he hates it. He hates it. 

He doesn’t love her anymore, wasn’t sure he ever really did, but he hates doing this to her. He hates that she put them in this position where he had to, and he hates what it’s doing to his daughter. Her mother should know her favorite color, her middle name. She should know how she likes her pancakes, how she prefers chocolate milk over regular milk, and how she’s obsessed with dinosaurs and princesses equally because “everyone deserves equal attention, Daddy!”

He answers their questions dutifully, almost numbly. He didn’t want to be doing this, but he knew he had to, and so he kept his eyes on his daughter’s bright, blue eyes and kept taking deep breaths. He wishes Eddie were here. This would be so much better if Eddie were here; maybe he wouldn’t feel like his heart was pounding out of his chest. 

He watches as they put his daughter on the stand, watches as she practically shakes in her chair, asking who she wanted, and he can’t deny the thrill he gets when she tells him she wants to stay with him. 

Custody is in the bag, Abby gets visitation based on what he thinks is wise, and he leaves. Angry. Angry that he’s been put in this position yet again. 

He doesn’t want to give Abby his daughter, and he knows if he did, somehow, she’d flake, like she always does. 

He lets Lia into their house, Maddie is going to drop off Chris, and he locks himself into his room after feeding his girl.

He needs a shower. He needs a fucking shower, he can’t keep going without a shower.

________

The water becomes cold eventually and his fingers pruny, but Buck can’t bring himself to get out just yet. He’s not clean, he’s not safe, he has to stay. 

He feels the warmth at the back before he hears the bitten-off curse that Eddie always says when he’s too cold. Eddie hates being cold. But there’s no more hot water, it’s been gone for a while now. He isn’t sure how long it has been, though. 

“She’s ours,” Eddie tells him, wrapping his arm around his shoulder. “She’s ours now. No one can take her away.”

“No one was going to take her away,” Buck says, a stark contrast from what he was saying last night, but he knew that now. No one was going to take her away. Abby just wanted a picture perfect family but Buck loves Lia. Buck would die for Lia. Abby couldn’t give Lia what she needed, she never could. She’s never been able to.

“You okay?” Eddie asks.

“Pissed,” is all Buck has the energy to say and Eddie nods, like he understands. “Just wanna stay here.”

“Alright baby, we’ll stay here. We’ll stay here as long as you need too.”

And they do. Even under the freezing cold water.