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Virgil didn’t have a lot going for him for a while after graduating high school. Since childhood, he never really liked calling attention to himself. He wasn’t the most confident, always a little too scared to actually hit up his peers.
It didn’t help that he moved a lot, growing up. He was never sure if he was just going to have to let go – so it was better to not be too invested. He didn’t really get why everyone was so eager to hook-up, especially after being a constantly unwilling fly on the wall for so much high school drama.
Sometimes he’d run into the wrong guy trying to pick at his taste or his mannerisms. Virgil did appreciate his dad for at least one thing – teaching him how to fight. Thankfully, Virgil only had to pull that card very rarely. He really wanted to avoid conflict wherever he could.
With his enjoyment playing with some emo looks and makeup, it did make for some amusing rumors about “where he swung”.
He’d rather occupy himself with drawing and gaming in his free time. They were great little escapes from everything stressful in his life. Getting lost in epic stories or just the mind numbing grind for achievements and numbers going up. Occasionally helping some newbies out and laughing about griefers, too.
He generally preferred solo play, and just going in and out of the looking for group boards. He didn’t have the energy to deal with guild politics, especially given how stressful it was dealing with people in the service industry. He carved his own little niche experience, where he didn’t need to worry about certain expectations.
-
After a couple years of Retail Hell, Virgil had built up a lot of stress and resentment he wanted to take out on some punching bags. He had gotten restless and a little out of practice at that point. You can’t exactly threaten a customer with a knuckle sandwich for the way your voice sounded or something else just as stupid. Not if you wanted to keep your job, unlike back in school.
He was just comfortable with his voice sitting a little higher than most people would expect.
He also couldn’t exactly make a racket either, in trying to train in a tiny third floor single bed apartment. After a bit of shuffling in his schedule and finances, he signed up for a local gym. He didn’t know it, at the time, just how great of a decision that was going to be.
There, he would meet people he would happily call his friends. Eventually.
He saw a mellower version of his own dad in Patton, first. Then, he would fall for his boyfriend in the most ridiculous way imaginable. Sometimes he would ask to get pinched to be reminded he wasn’t dreaming – an obviously sarcastic request Remus would always gleefully oblige.
And through Remus, everyone else had something he wound up connecting with. He had never felt anything like that before.
He adored it when Remus looked at him like something clicked when he talked about being ace. As things continued with the chaos gremlin, Virgil realized he was a little more gray than he had originally thought.
They also wound up helping him learn more new things about himself. Given the company? He probably shouldn’t have been surprised.
-
The first person Virgil had met through Remus was one of his coworkers at some local tech firm, Logan. Logan had hung in the background, seemingly amused by some of Virgil’s awkward first steps with Remus.
Eventually, Logan had reached out to him. It almost felt like a job interview, which hiked up his own nerves, “It would appear my friend and colleague has taken quite the shine to you, Virgil. I’d like to get to know you better.”
“Uh. Sure? What would you like to know?”
They decided to meet at the gym’s break room. It was technically an employee-only area, but at some point that turned into a semi-public place for regulars to chill out between workouts and showers. That Thomas guy, the owner of the place, seemed pretty cool about it. It was a pretty small room, though. So it didn’t get a lot of traffic, anyways.
“I’d like to start with your interests. I could infer a few from Remus’s accounts, but I’d like to hear your side of things.”
“I guess, I like horror stuff like him? I don’t know, man. It’s just fun getting out of my head a bit. Why? Do you?”
“Wait, just to be clear. When you say you like horror stuff like him do you mean Remus is The Horror, or that he likes Horror stuff?”
Virgil was hesitant, “Yes?”
Logan smirked briefly before continuing, “At any rate, I could personally take or leave it – but I do admit I like knowing what Remus likes and learning to appreciate it.”
Virgil felt a sentimental warmth, eventually mumbling, “You like it because he does, huh?”
Logan looked down at his own hands and smiled a little, “I suppose.”
Virgil felt somewhat more at ease, if suddenly insecure, “Are you and Remus, you know-?”
“I know what?”
Virgil was scared to say it outright, “You know? ”
Logan started looking annoyed, Virgil clammed up feeling like he fucked up, “Sorry. Uh. N-never mind that. It’s probably way too personal and- we just met.”
Logan looked him briefly in the eyes and then at the table, “Oh. No. I’m fond of him, yes. But I’m under the impression that his feelings for you are really quite different.”
“You’re okay with that?”
“That is correct. But I’d like to take the time to learn about you.”
Back to feeling like a job interview, or a doctor’s appointment. Virgil took a deep breath, “Well. I like to draw sometimes? Oh, and play some video games. Kind of a LOT of that...”
Logan perked up a little about that last part, “Oh?”
“Mostly played some Diablo and Final Fantasy kinda stuff. Have you heard of a game called Sacred Seasons? I know that’s way more obscure than Blizz or Squeenix stuff, but… I had a lot of fun when that was really active.”
Logan was back to smiling, it was never quite as wide and wild as Remus, but Virgil found the subdued look of approval calming. “Wasn’t that on one of those Flash game sites?”
“Yeah.”
Things felt a little lighter as Virgil chattered away with Logan for a good hour or so.
-
Virgil gaming with Remus and Logan became a thing they all enjoyed doing together.
It was always tempting fate to have Virgil and Remus have a session in the same damn apartment unit. Remus got easily distracted and grabby and noisy. Even if Virgil was halfway into a raid with Logan and some randos, his weirdo would whine so loud it picked up on the mic. Virgil vainly tried to maintain visual and control of the game while Remus ensnared him like some kinda determined kraken wannabe. One with far more cute aggression than that body of his could even hope to contain.
It was always a losing fight – like the Titanic vs the iceberg, or like if Mike Tyson took on Oscar De La Hoya in a boxing match. Not that Virgil was complaining, he felt like a complete and utter sap about the feelings the guy inflicted. The warmth and pressure and presence made it all so real . Frankly, he was never quite sure he deserved it.
Thankfully – whenever that was the arrangement, Virgil learned to just keep the voice channel private between him and Logan. No need for some strangers prodding them over this rather strange arrangement. They all knew how Gamers™ could get.
He made that mistake. Once. And it led to a flurry of questions and embarrassment he really wasn’t prepared to unpack.
Look. Virgil’s internet handles always usually had the word “violet” somewhere in them, because he was used to being called Vi for short, anyways. He liked the color purple since forever and he wasn’t ashamed to admit the flowers were pretty sometimes. Sometimes .
Sometimes, he’d like to put in a bit more effort into the emo look and look less like a gloomy disaster than usual. It’s not his fault he liked to main Diablo 2’s Assassin a lot, she just had The Look. That and other, similar characters. Sometimes people called him a “she” and he was often more pleasantly amused about the assumption than anything.
So it was ONE time, Remus decided to do some PDA over a public voice channel and some teenage assholes snickered and called them dykes, like it was a bad word. It was the first time he was in a situation anything like that – so he was at a loss and honestly more concerned about how Remus felt about that label.
Remus only erupted into a pleased cackle, completely unfazed so Virgil might’ve decided to roll with it. Thinking it was fun playing into it. Eventually, Virgil hit the wall for the game session and was about to call it before Logan shot him a Whisper, “Does that happen for you a lot?”
“Hm?”
“How do I put this delicately… I’ve noticed a trend in our games lately. What was all that about? Neither of you were women, as far as I was aware.”
“Uh. Yeah. It wasn’t a big deal, really, Lo.”
“Right. I was mostly concerned if I needed to correct any assumptions I had been making or how I should conduct myself, when relaying things to the other group members in these sessions.”
“You can keep calling me what you usually do. If I felt bad about it, I would’ve told you by now.”
“Yes. But. Do people referring to you in certain ways feel good?”
Virgil sat there, blinking. Tomorrow was another damn Monday and he was too tired to be dealing with existentialism right that moment. But, that has never stopped his brain before.
He didn’t realize how long he was staring dumbly at the chat box, until Logan poked again, “Are you alright? Was this a bad time?”
“No, I’m alright. I gotta try to get some Zs. Long day tomorrow.”
“Alright, well wishes, then. See you.”
-
Virgil didn’t get any sleep that night, staring up at the ceiling.
He thought about everything. Or at least, it felt like everything.
As far as Virgil had known, Remus was the first person he’d met that really messed around with the whole gender expectations thing. In person, anyway. Virgil thought again, just how much he admired the weirdo’s confidence and pride in who he was. He didn’t care if he didn’t make sense to other people.
That had to be one of the reasons why he adored that human embodiment of Cronenbergian bat shit chaos.
Virgil turned his head to stare at Remus, snoring obnoxiously and contentedly, partially ensnaring him in a tangle of limbs. At least one of them was getting some sleep. He smiled, as he carefully brushed his hand through that garish toxic green and white faux hawk. Remus didn’t wake up to the touch but snuggled in closer, looking oh so comfortable.
Virgil wanted to make more sense of things in his head before talking about this with Remus.
Logan was good at being straightforward and clear-headed about a lot of things. Virgil needed that more, first.
-
Virgil was a bit more out of it than usual, bagging and assisting people with their groceries that day.
He discreetly fidgeted with a spinner ring Remus had bought him, partly at Logan’s suggestion. It was better than picking at the nail polish he wore to work – it was a nice concession he had taken up wherever he could.
Despite his dad’s rants about dress codes and professionalism, Virgil never pushed it too far on the job. Virgil snorted thinking about how daring Remus was, or how accepting that tech firm clearly was for the way his weirdo loved to dress. It was funny seeing the guy walk around in a binder, company shirt, pulled back hair, sometimes glasses. While also wearing hair dye and make-up that practically looked like it should give you radiation poisoning.
Virgil might’ve been a little jealous about it at times.
On more than one occasion customers and coworkers alike very clearly had trouble pulling his attention back from Logan’s questions the night prior.
This wasn’t helped by an older woman he met near the end of his shift, calling him ma’am. Rather, her correcting herself immediately afterwards and making such a fuss over it, getting his attention.
“Young man, can you help me with my things? I’m afraid I have a bad back.”
“No problem, ma’am. I’ll get right on it.”
Virgil vainly wanted to think more about why this lady had so many bags of dog food for one shopping trip, as he helped her unload. But, that only lasted until they waved each other off.
Virgil groaned, thinking, “I didn’t have enough sleep for this shit.”
Clocking out was a relief, after that.
-
Logan had invited Virgil over to his apartment, when they next had the opening for that.
Virgil hadn’t been there nearly as often as Remus’s at that point.
It still amused Virgil just how much more tidy the space was, idly wondering how many times Remus actually set foot there himself. “Welcome. Would you like something to drink while we chat?”
“Coffee. Coffee sounds good, thanks.”
“It’s of no inconvenience.”
Logan nodded as Virgil situated himself at the dinette set.
Soon enough, the two of them were quietly sitting there, with a tub of sugar cookies Patton dropped off at some point, before. Far, far too many for Logan to eat by himself in any reasonable amount of time. Virgil laughed at Logan’s venom-less annoyance with Patton's insistence, in relating that info.
After some silence Logan spoke again, “I must apologize if I hadn’t exercised appropriate tact, broaching a potentially sensitive matter.”
“It’s. It’s okay Lo. Kind of a kick in the ass that was probably coming sooner or later.”
“Oh?”
Virgil sighed, staring at the steam cloud swirling above his drink, “Yeah. I-I’m not sure how to even start explaining it?”
“Would me relating some things help? Or would you rather I hold, while you think some more?”
“Sure. If you’re alright with that.”
Remus had slipped before, that Logan was trans. Virgil otherwise wouldn’t have picked up on that fact at all, in the friend sitting across from him. Logan didn’t seem to mind Virgil knowing, but made things very clear that was not to be given freely to strangers. Virgil didn’t really need any further explanation there.
“I had known for a very long time that I was not a girl. There were just a lot of rules and expectations there that I just couldn’t compute. A lot of people in my life thought it was because it was the way my mind was wired, that it’d make sense to me eventually.”
Logan snorted, “It never did. The notion that my bodily configuration was supposed to destine me for motherhood and such forth made me want to tear all my skin off, if I’m completely frank.”
“Yeah. Sounds a little like what Remus told me, a few times.”
“Perhaps. The only thing that seemed logical in my case was that I was not a woman. That I was a man – the trappings thereof felt like the proverbial programming was finally properly optimized.”
Virgil chuckled, still a little insecure about a pair of geniuses giving him the time of day. Okay. The word ‘genius’ was doing a lot of legwork there, especially as it went with Remus. Maybe, it would be better to describe his paramore as a mad scientist. Virgil never claimed he had fine taste.
“I do understand that our friend’s experiences are not 1:1 with mine. I am reasonably certain I could say the same things with you.”
“Yeah, I guess hanging out with you guys got me thinking about shit. And now I can’t stop batting it around in my head. Like. I think I’m a guy? Still? Sort of? I-I always kind of… I kinda saw a little bit of what I wanted to be in a lot of my girl classmates? Never got much nerve to talk to them after a certain point growing up, but...”
“I suppose we can start small? How does the being referred to with she/her sound?”
Virgil felt particularly squirmy and unsure, “C-can you use that in a sentence?”
“Certainly,” Logan cleared his throat, “This is my friend, Virgil. She is a considerate and, I dare say, a rather chill cohort. I greatly enjoy her company.”
Virgil felt like his(?) face suddenly getting warm and buried her(?) face in his hands, “Gods dammit all, Lo… I’m dead and you killed me, I hope you’re proud of yourself.”
Logan chuckled, “There was no lie there. As much genuine affinity I have for Remus and the like, sometimes you’re just the proverbial breath of fresh air that I wish to be around.”
“YEAH. WELL-”
“Besides my opinion of you, did that feel alright?”
That was way different than flippant little ‘mistakes’ from strangers throughout Virgil’s life. He(?) almost always thought it was just not wanting to be confrontational – but it always did make him feel amused and somewhat refreshed? Never actually upset.
Logan just had to weaponize that!? Deliberately and so- so nicely ? And make it a little more real ?
“I-I liked it. A lot. Actually. But, uh, for now. Let’s keep it within our friend group?”
“Duly noted. I completely understand the imperative of personal safety. Would you like me to modify my speech around you further?”
“I-I guess not much more different than before… except, maybe, throw a few more she/hers here and there?”
“Certainly.”
-
For a good while, Virgil still mostly kept things to make-up choices and whatever he’d already had in his wardrobe – lots of band Ts and torn up, black skinny jeans, his favorite patchwork hoodie. A few of Remus’s sports bras also got tried on, with Remus catcalling her politely.
Virgil was in front of the mirror again, putting more effort into her make-up game. He liked dual-toning his lips with a glossy deep purple and black. It went well with barely needing much eye shadow thanks to “The Insomnia™”. Drippy eyeliner completed the look. Might be a touch dramatic on most days, nothing quite like the stops Remus pulled, but she liked it.
It wasn’t entirely uncomfortable, if still somewhat strange for Vi to consciously think about the feminine feelings that were always there to some extent. He liked how some of his features already read a certain way to people. She just thought it all in terms of just being Virgil.
Not that that wasn’t suddenly untrue after he started examining it more deliberately. But she felt strangely happier about it – it was a lot like making another friend. Vi groaned at the sappiness of the thought, he’d blame that sentiment entirely on Remus and Patton, but it was true.
While Virgil fussed with his face some more, Remus appeared from behind him with that typically bordering-on-unhinged smile of his. “I could just eat you up right now, Vivi.”
No matter how many times Remus said shit like that, it never failed to make Virgil blush furiously, “Not while I’m doing my mascara, ya big weirdo.”
Remus’s affections didn’t really change when Virgil finally tried hashing out this gender stuff. Arguably, it only made Remus more gooey and affectionate, if that was even possible , “Maybe I’ll just eat that, instead.”
Remus got close enough to nuzzle him and tried to yank the applicator away. Virgil was not about to let the last Incident repeat itself on his watch. He had more than his fair share panic-calling Poison Control on that feral boyfriend of hers. “Yeah, no. No unplanned hospital visits for you, you absolute gremlin. We can’t afford another one, no matter how much your insurance covers. You’re SO lucky I’m not working today.”
Remus snickered and gave him an obnoxiously sloppy kiss to the cheek; glittery, oil spill green lipstick smearing with the eyeliner work Virgil had JUST painted on. While Virgil redid it and gave a beleaguered sigh, Remus smiled, “I haven’t been tardy once, Missus B! You can’t throw me in detention for NO reason! Look!”
Remus rifled through one of the drawers and showed Virgil a pack of birth control pills.
It was a small miracle how they somehow managed to keep a streak going for a few months already, and they were really helping Remus manage his shitty ovaries situation. Virgil still worried a lot about Remus, but Remus looked a little less like a member of the undead for it.
That evening, Virgil asked about the plans they had, “So. About that date?”
“Oh, you’re going to HATE it.”
Virgil snorted as he went along for whatever fucked up ride his weirdo strapped her in for.
-
It was the weekend and Remus and Logan were over at Virgil’s apartment. They were mostly playing some Super Smash Bros together, until Roman called for a favor.
Something about the guy’s entertainment center not working? Remus pitched a dramatic fit over it before finally agreeing to help and leaving. It was taking a while, and Virgil had no idea what could’ve possibly been happening over there.
She knew they weren’t going to hear the end of it, when Remus came back. Logan shook his head and chuckled a little, “We can’t go more than a couple weeks between incidents, with that man. Being generous, of course.”
“Yeah. Did you want to go for a few more rounds?”
“I think my hands could use a break. I brought with me some literary enrichment, no worries.”
“What did you bring?”
“Oh. Just a couple issues of “ IF: Worlds of Science Fiction” .”
“Sounds good. I guess I could break out the sketchbook or some shit, while we wait for the gremlin. Got nothing better to do.”
Virgil loved Remus dearly, for reasons beyond his own mortal comprehension. But it was frequently nice to just have companionable silence with Logan, at times, better than being totally alone. Time passed along at a comfortable pace, unlike whenever he was on the job. She was aimlessly sketching various monsters, loosely inspired by “ The Nightmare Before Christmas” . Logan had just turned to the page “ I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream” was on.
At some point she crudely scribbled Jack and Sally in his sketchbook, again. He stared at Sally more intently than he normally would have and asked Logan a question, “Do you think I should look into some things, Lo?”
“Hm? What do you mean?”
“Uh. Labels, I guess. Last time I did that kind of thing was when I figured out I was ace, back in like high school? What if I find something and it changes, is this some stupid phase?”
Logan glanced at Virgil, “There’s nothing wrong with broadening your vocabulary. Nor will change somehow invalidate your experiences.”
“Easy for you to say…”
Logan arched an eyebrow, Virgil immediately felt bad, “I guess it would be simpler to be like ‘I’m actually a woman’ and call it a day.”
“While, yes, it was like that for me. Aren’t you forgetting about Remus here? The existence of those like him should be evidence that there are many ways to be – many ways outside the binary.”
“Yeah, well he’s different.”
“How?”
“We know what he isn’t! And I-”
“How Remus and I have handled this subject matter doesn’t mean it’s YOUR truth.”
Virgil recoiled a little at Logan’s tone, “That’s the thing. I don’t really know what that is, yet.”
Logan softened, “If it’s any comfort, it did take me some time to figure it out myself. I actually fought it for a while, just wishing I was more aligned . I’m more than willing to extend you the patience I didn’t with myself. Alright?”
Virgil took a deep breath, “I know there’s some wikis and shit out there about this sort of thing. Can I bounce some things off you?”
“Of course, as long as you mean metaphorically. You’re dating Remus, and I’ve learned not to accept that question at face value.”
That afternoon was spent rooting around online encyclopedias and forums. Some words poked out to Virgil than others, some not as much. She kind of liked demiguy and was wondering about genderqueer. There were a lot of others he wanted to digest before settling on anything.
It had only been a few months since she really sat down and looked at this mess, after all.
Logan and Remus would help her feel safe exploring it, despite wanting to find something that fully clicked.
Little did she know about Remus’s old high school best friend, at the time. Nor how they were going to change things dramatically. Again .
But that’s a story for another time.