Work Text:
Kaeya is not someone who can show his frustrations by crying, getting mad, or venting his frustrations out, this he knows. His way of coping with...the situations of today is alcohol. The numbing sensation it makes him feel, the pain that it makes him forget...it's almost a relief compared to the agony that would come afterward. The alcohol makes him forget about how awful his life is.
It helps make it bearable, in a way.
But sometimes when he drinks too much and gets too tired, things get so overwhelming he feels overwhelmed again. When that happens, he does nothing but lock himself in the confines of his bedroom with more alcohol. It's a way of coping, an addiction that will hopefully kill him one day. Or at least, kill his body. Then he won't have to deal with the stress he's put on it.
Or he doesn't need to, anyway. That part hasn't stopped anyone else from dying because of their lack of common sense. Not yet, anyway.
So he drowns his sorrows in alcohol until the world and the room stop spinning too. And then he takes another drink and another, and another. Until his head hurts and he feels like he's going to die. Sometimes this isn't enough though. Sometimes he wants to stop drinking and keep going until it all fades away. It's like being stuck in a loop without ending up somewhere new. He's stuck in the cycle of pain, sadness, and despair for days at a time, and he has no clue why or what to do to get past it.
Things were better when...he had no worries about things going around in the world, he'd wake up early morning to the smell of Adeline's delicious pancakes and Diluc's excited jumping and screaming, with Crepus's soft voice guiding them downstairs to the breakfast table.
Those were the golden days...before...everything happened. Before everything went bad. Before he started to think about how the whole world was going downhill fast he was just the unfortunate victim. Before everyone decided that it was all his fault.
Crepus died in an accident- and then Diluc and Kaeya had a fallout, he was disowned and moved out of their shared home all at once.
How Diluc looked at him, with those eyes filled with rage and words coated with venom being yelled out of his mouth with no remorse or guilt. But there's no point thinking about that now. The point is to survive. Because even if he's miserable, even if he lives with memories that are still haunting him, the thought of letting go is worse than not having a family to care for him at all.
He thinks back on the times before that and tries to remember something good about before it all got so damn bad. Maybe he should try remembering happier times with his brother, their doting father, and Adelinde who he had always seen as a mother. Or maybe some happy memories were saved in his mind as he drifted off to sleep, waiting to surface for him in the next dream?
But that's stupid. There's no point remembering when he doesn't really have anything left that matters anymore when his dreams are empty spaces filled with nothing but darkness, a void filled with the memory of death. So, instead, he remembers Diluc. And the feeling of Diluc's hand caressing his hair to soothe his cries, or how he gave Kaeya the brightest smile as they played pirates and won against the bad guys. Those memories are worth saving, at least they're still real. At least there's something that gives him joy in a world where he can't find any happiness in his own pathetic self anymore.
He's still alive. He still exists. So that is all he needs to focus on right now. Focus on surviving. But... what if....what if Kaeya does not want to live? What if he's already dead inside after all these years of living with the weight of his failures on his shoulders and the knowledge of his sins weighing on him every day?
It will be easy ... right?
He can just hold a small knife to his hand, and cut, slit the nerves that help course his blood through his body, and then that blood that carried his life will spill out, slowly ... taking his life with it.
He will become one with his surroundings and fade into oblivion, never having to experience the pain and suffering that he caused in other people again. The only thing he'll miss is Diluc's presence - even though he'll likely never see him again. He decides today will be the day, the perfect day to end it all. To put an end to all his suffering all at once. But before he does so, he can go visit some friends ...
That would be nice. He'll greet them one last time, and then...he'll go far away from them to a place where his past can't catch up with him, to a place where there will be no more pain, only joy, and laughter. He thinks that would be wonderful...if only life could be that simple. If only it didn't take so many twists and turns to get here. If only he could walk away from the problems he causes, from his responsibilities and the constant worry over things that have already passed. From...well, the only people he cares about now.
Albedo and Klee
"Uncle Ya-Ya!" The little girl yells in an excited tone as she races towards him and immediately begins tugging at the hem of his shirt insistently, asking to be picked up in his arms. And who is he to say no to his little princess? So he does as she requests, and grabs ahold of her and lifts her up from the ground and into the security of his arms as she gasps and marvels at the sudden height elevation.
He holds her close for a few moments, enjoying the way the warmth of her body feels against his, and the sound of her giggles filling his ears. She is precious, his little Princess, and he loves her dearly. "You are so tall Ya-Ya!" She points out, her eyes staring at the ground beneath her feet which seems so far away from her. He can only laugh in response as she tugs at his shirt and moves around in his arms to make herself comfortable.
"Well, aren't you quite the jolly bunch Miss Klee?" She only giggles in response, her face comfortably pressed against his chest in a warm embrace. Her little fingers play idly with his shirt collar, and he finds it rather adorable. He's sure she would be absolutely delighted with the prospect of being able to wear dresses soon, and with such a nice outfit to match it.
"She's very happy to see you today Kaeya." Albedo points out, idly taking a sip of his coffee as he watches the little girl dressed in red cling to Kaeya like he'd disappear if she let go. He smiles at the blonde and at the mess of blonde hair in his arms. "Say Klee, let Ya-Ya braid your hair?"
Klee beams at him and insistently tugs at his arms so she can be set free, he gently sets her down to the ground and she immediately grabs his arm, dragging him to the couch and pointing her little finger at him, "Wait right here! Klee will get her comb and rubber bands!" and runs off to her room. Albedo offered him a soft smile while he continued to drink his coffee in small sips here and there.
She returns with bright-colored rubber bands of all kinds and a small red comb adorned with small bows. "Now you can braid Klee's hair!"
Kaeya smiled, one last time he'll allow himself this little happiness, he'll braid her hair one last time, anything to make her little girl happy. With practiced ease, he plucks a ribbon from the collection of blue ones that are sitting near Albedo and goes back to work, carefully tying each bow to each curl before starting to braid. Albedo watches on fondly with a soft chuckle. This little girl reminds him of someone else he knew long ago. When things were simpler. But it doesn't matter now. None of that matters anymore.
They stay silent for a moment as Kaeya finishes braiding Klee's hair, and once she's done Albedo reaches forward, picking up the discarded rubber band and tying it on the end of Klee's braid in the back. Klee looks at it squeals happily in excitement and pulls on the ends so hard that she almost tugs them out from the braid.
"Owwowow!" She whines with tears in her eyes. Albedo laughs softly and places a hand on top of her head gently, giving her a comforting rub between her ears. "There we go, Klee. All fixed! You look just lovely." He says. Klee nods in agreement, smiling widely and bouncing up and down with enthusiasm as Albedo pats her cheek in praise, and Kaeya lets out a small sigh of relief at seeing the two smiling at each other.
In the past, he had a little family too. Two adoring and loving redhead who saw him as his own despite his tanned complexion that didn't match their own, or his dark-shaded hair that could not never rival their bright red hair. Crepus loved him as his own child, and Diluc called him his younger brother with much pride. Those were...nice days. Before everything went to hell. Before his whole existence became nothing but suffering and pain for everyone around him. Before everything came crashing down in a fiery avalanche of misery. But... that was then. Things have changed for the worst since, haven't they?
"Uncle Ya Yaaaaaaa!" He hears Klee call his name, or rather drag out the 'a' as she pulls at his shirt again, he fears she might just tear it with the constant tugging. Well, it has been torn plenty of times before. But she usually lets it go afterward. And he guesses it probably doesn't really matter anyway since he's going to die by this point either way. Might as well rip it all off sooner rather than later.
"Yes?" He asks, turning around to meet her gaze with his own. "What is it kiddo?" Her big round eyes seem to be filled with stars as they stare up at him inquisitively. "Uncle Ya Yaa, can you stay with us today? What do you call it...sleepsucher....sleepstay?"
He can almost crack a smile at the way she struggles to speak 'sleepover', "You mean sleepover miss Klee?" She nods enthusiastically, and he can't bear to say no to her, but then again, there are other people he has to meet...one last time before he cuts off any connection with the realm of the living.
"Sorry darling, but your uncle has other places to be. Some...other time?" She looks heartbroken, but nods her head slowly in agreement, reluctant and clearly upset by his disapproval. "Next time then okay? Promise me!" He grabs a hold of her pinky finger in his, "Promise."
Kaeya knows there won't be a next time.
Jean
The next stop is Jean's, his best friend who's such a workaholic that it worries him gravely. He can only hope someone can look after her when he's gone. Lisa can, she worried about Jean a similar amount, and she'll probably be more aware of how to help her than Kaeya.
By the time he makes it to her office, it's already evening because the majority of his time was spent with Klee in the early hours of the day. He knocks against the door only once before a tired voice speaks to let him in. Jean's tired just like always with dark eyebags decorating her eyes. Still, she smiles at him. "Kaeya, how have you been?"
He passes her a smile of his own, "Fine, but truly the weather has been treating you awfully well." She only grins awkwardly, waving him off. "Jeanie you look like you have one foot in the grave. Have you been sleeping, or eating?" She knows he can read through her lies so she doesn't try to hide it.
"Jeanie...you need to rest, seriously. Look at how tired you look. At this rate, you'll end up dead before me." Ah, he said a bit too much didn't he? The concern that flashes across her eyes proves as a testament. Jean doesn't respond however and instead walks over to him with a concerned expression on her face. She holds his arm in her grasp, and with her other hand, she holds his face gently, like a loving older sister.
"Kaeya...about what you said a minute ago...Are you-are you okay?" He takes a shaky breath. He should've known she wouldn't be able to forget about it so easily. She was always good at knowing what he was thinking or feeling. It was one thing to keep secrets from someone you trust; it was another thing entirely to keep secrets from yourself. He shakes his head slightly and removes her hands from his face. He can tell she is ready to pull some of her famous hair flips and give him those puppy dog eyes he hates so much. "I'm fine." He assures her, giving her shoulder a light shove as he continues talking. "Really I am, it wasn't even a serious thought." He knows she doesn't believe him but she doesn't push it further either. Instead, she simply hums at his reassurance. "How have you been doing?"
Her posture changes instantly, becoming defensive as her eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. That's an odd change of subject, especially considering what he'd meant a minute prior and why he asked, "What do you mean by that?" "Well, how has your time been recently? How is life with the others?" He tries to ignore the slight hurt he feels upon remembering the others. He hopes she doesn't pick up on it.
"It's been fine, thank you..." She says, her voice trailing off. But Kaeya is taken aback when she wraps her arms around him all of a sudden. It's one of her ideal bone-crushing hugs, and Kaeya almost wants to lean his head against her shoulder and weep. He doesn't though, because he can't afford to. So instead, he squeezes her tightly in return and breathes deeply, trying his best not to cry, and for what he doesn't know yet. When she pulled away, Kaeya yearned for that warmth, the feeling of comfort she gave off, and the warm touch he felt when she hugged him. But he doesn't deserve it, so he lets her pull away. "I'll see you tomorrow alright? Get some rest." He told her and she smiled back in acknowledgment.
He's truly a god-awful liar.
Rosaria
He thinks of Rosaria, his drinking buddy. She's a rather cold and unapproachable person, but she's his friend and he wants to pay her a final visit. He stops by a store near her workplace to buy a pack of cigarettes, even though he's aware of their harmful effects. For Rosaria, smoking is her way of coping. When he gets to her workplace, he finds that she has already left. He sees her by the water fountain, with a frown on her face.
"Hey, Rosie." He waves at her and watches her eyes gaze at him, and for a moment sparkle with a twinkling light before her eyes go neutral again. "Cigarettes for me?" She hums as he passes her the box, even offering her a lighter that she takes from his hands cautiously.
She lights it without saying anything else, puffing out some smoke into the chilly air, and letting it swirl around in a spiral before disappearing behind her. "What're you doing here anyway?" Rosaria asks as she puts the cigarette out and starts coughing a bit, rubbing her sore throat. "Oh! I actually wanted to visit you."
"I don't recall inviting you over." She retorts back sharply and he can feel his ears droop. "Okay okay- Not acting like that." She answers again, smacking his head playfully. They both chuckle a bit before Rosaria clears her throat again and says, "So, why did you want to visit?" He scratches the back of his head. "Just wanted to visit my dear friend, Rosie, Can I not do that?"
Her eyes narrowed, she could see through him and his lies easily.
Yet, she decides to drop it, for now. "Sure, sure whatever you say Kaeya." And it seems like she believes him if the amused look in her eyes is any indication. They continue sitting in silence. Both of them are lost in their thoughts and it goes unsaid between them.
"Rosie." He speaks, causing her to look back at him, his eyes look like they're wet...with what, tears...? She can't tell. "You're an amazing friend you know that? I'll never forget you.." It worried her, the way he was saying things. And then Kaeya gets up and hugs her, holding her close to himself as if it's their last day on earth.
As soon as they break apart, Rosaria feels her chest fill with warmth and she can finally breathe normally again, although she can't quite bring herself to reciprocate the gesture. It isn't the same. He might not love her as much as she does him, but she cares deeply for Kaeya. "What are you rambling on about?" She questions, but he only looks at her with those sad eyes of his.
He can feel his heart breaking in two as he whispers, "Thank you." Before pulling her back in for another hug, "For everything."
Diluc
At long last, the moment he's been dreading since the entire day began. His final meeting with Diluc...He takes in a deep breath because he will be needing a lot of those today. Conversations with his brother have always been filled with tension and the exchange of venomous words. He can only hope nothing like that happens today, he wishes that his last day...can be a bit bearable.
He's greeted by the board outside the tavern, "ANGEL'S SHARE" and he hesitates to go inside, biting the side of his cheek in nervousness. Kaeya sighs and opens the door slowly, it's nighttime time so the tavern is filled to the brim with patrons and townsfolk enjoying all the wine the bar has to offer.
They're laughing and chatting happily together, a few even singing quietly at the top of their lungs. It seems like everyone is having fun despite everything happening outside. And behind the bar is the dreaded face, Diluc, serving drinks with the same monotone expression.
He approaches his brother cautiously, smiling to greet him. "What do you want now?" Diluc retorts, but Kaeya does not feel bad, this is the usual response that he gets, so it does not faze him anymore. He merely laughs lightly as he stands before the counter before speaking up, "A drink of water would be lovely..."
Diluc gives him a surprised look but shrugs and serves him anyway. Kaeya smiles, "So, how are you today dear brother of mine?" He can see the shudder in his brother's form before the glass of water is slammed down at the counter with as much politeness as possible. "Here is your water Sir Alberich."
Kaeya does not even flinch at the venomous tone Diluc speaks in.
He takes the glass with a small smile. "My, aren't you awfully rude today?" He comments lightly which causes Diluc to scoff loudly, clearly unhappy that he had just been called out. "Please finish your drink and leave. I'd rather not waste my time conversing with you."
You will never be able to talk to me again. The words die on his tongue.
The anger radiates from the other man. "You have a very short attention span." Kaeya replies calmly before placing the glass down on the counter and turning away. "I apologize for bothering you Master Diluc, Good night." Kaeya says softly and leaves the bar. He can hear the other men laughing behind him but he pays no mind to it.
"Kaeya-"
He closes the tavern door behind him with a thud, it's all over. The day is ending, and soon, his life will be brought to an end as well.
He's still reeling slightly from what had just happened, his chest hurts and he wants to scream, maybe punch something to get rid of this immense sadness weighing him down. The tears that threaten to escape fall freely down his face, blurring his vision even more than usual, and he can feel the burning sensation of the alcohol coursing through him. But Kaeya keeps his composure in check. If anyone were to ask, he was calm, cool, and collected. After taking his leave of the tavern, he heads towards the direction of his home.
There, he locks himself in his room and proceeds to dress into something much lighter, much more comfortable. A long oversized shirt over some black shorts. He reaches for the blade on his desk, it was bright in the moonlight, taunting him of how he has to resort to....such methods to end it all.
But the sight of it calms his racing heart. "I'm sorry, Klee, Jean, Albedo, Rosie...and Diluc. I'm so sorry." Taking another deep breath and closing his eyes he raises the blade and plunges the sharp edge directly into his wrist. Blood seeps out from the wound, soaking into the fabric of his shorts as he lowers his hand. He pulls it away with a pained wince. It stings, but he pushes the pain aside in favor of feeling relief for hurting himself.
And yet, despite the comfort of pain he feels right now, there is still one question plaguing him, unanswered. "Is it selfish of me to enjoy these moments while I am still alive? Is it wrong of me to crave happiness like this, after being deprived for such a long time?" Tears stream down his face uncontrollably, the knife falling onto his lap with a metallic sound. He doesn't understand where the sudden burst of emotions came from and he doesn't care either. He starts to feel the sting from the cut in his veins, and he's not mad about it, or even upset. For once in his life, Kaeya feels happy. Happy to die. To end the torture he's endured and the pain he's felt for the past years. To finally rest. Just rest.
And then, just as suddenly, the tears stop coming. All he can feel is exhaustion tugging at his eyelids when everything goes black.
Diluc's Pov
That...was puzzling. Diluc couldn't exactly pinpoint anything, but he knew the main point, there was something very wrong with Kaeya. He visited him at the tavern, yet instead of drinking alcohol like a crazed drunkard, he simply ordered a glass of water, and instead of passing on teasing or snarky remarks, simply asked him how he was. It was odd. And then he left just as fast as came, without answering Diluc's call and slamming the door behind himself.
But Diluc's not one to dwell on his thoughts, he knows he wouldn't really be getting anywhere thinking too hard, but he just wants to understand the situation more. He's worried, and he doesn't know where he can seek answers. He takes in a deep breath, just as his phone chimes with a notification.
Hesitantly, he pulls out his phone and is greeted with the bright screen littered with messages from all his personal contacts.
Jean
Diluc, can you please check on Kaeya for me? He was acting weird.....
Albedo
Master Diluc, I apologize for bothering you during work hours, but could you please check on Kaeya for me? He was acting....
Rosaria
Diluc, contact Kaeya. If he does not pick up, keep calling. If no one answers, go check on him...
His eyes widen and he immediately searches for the familiar silhouette of Charles around the bar. Once he finds him, he quickly makes his way over to him as discreetly as possible. "Take over the bar for me Charles, I have somewhere to go." Charles nods before swiftly taking his place at the counter as Diluc exits through the backdoor, leaving his apron hanging on a hook near the door. He runs across the neighborhood to Kaeya's apartment, frantically dialing Kaeya's number along the way. No answer, he knew it.
He keeps dialing anyway, hoping, praying Kaeya answers and it's all a sick prank. But his call rings out and goes straight to voicemail. He calls one last time before hanging up, his hands shaking, his breath shaky. What the hell is happening? His stomach churns painfully, he's sure of it now. Something is definitely going on with Kaeya and he has no idea what.
He reaches Kaeya's apartment building and races up the stairs, breathing unsteady and legs aching in protest. He slows down a little when reaching the door of Kaeya's apartment and knocks gently. No response. So he tries again. No answer. Still nothing. He tries one more time with no luck. Well, time to break in.
With force he didn't know he was capable of bearing, he knocks the door off its hinges and bursts into the small apartment, eyes searching everywhere for Kaeya. He spots him collapsed by the couch, blood dripping from the deep cut in his veins which is pooling beneath his figure. Without hesitating, he runs over to him, crouches beside him, placing his fingers on the side of his neck to feel his pulse. There's no heartbeat, not even a faint thumping of blood against his fingers.
No....No...NO!! NO!!!
He falls to his knees, cradling Kaeya against his body and rocking back and forth in grief. He lets out quiet sobs and continues repeating those three terrible words over and over again until they turn into incoherent cries. "I'll fix this....hold on, K-kaeya, I'll fix it all. You-you cannot die, I will not....let you. You can't leave me."
Soon enough, the sirens of an Ambulance can be heard echoing outside the residence.
Diluc slowly stands, holding Kaeya tightly to his chest as if trying to protect him from any harm. It takes a few minutes, but eventually, the ambulance pulls up and they take Kaeya away, away from Diluc's grasp and towards the vehicle with the screeching sirens. It's all too similar....when his father died, this same vehicle was present there to deliver him the mournful news.
Would Kaeya...
Diluc wouldn't believe it, ever. He follows behind the others in his vehicle, dialing Jean's number and informing her about what took place. The pain in her voice stung him, but he had to let her know. He hangs up his phone and continues driving behind the ambulance. The thought of Kaeya never waking up again was starting to become unbearable; his chest tightened and his eyes burned with unshed tears. Diluc leans forward and rests his forehead on the headrest as he tries desperately to contain his feelings and prevent them from escaping.
Please...Kaeya don't die. I beg of you. Please hold on a little longer.
And then the realization hits him like a ton of bricks. He can't afford to lose Kaeya, he has to save him. He needs to find out what's wrong with him. This is all his fault, he should've seen something wrong with him sooner.