Chapter Text

· 1 · 

⊱ Warm again ⊰

Such sparkling and striking eyes. She had the most beautiful, expressive eyes he had ever seen. They shone as though fragments of stars were caught up in them.

He must have stared at her for a while.

Having those big brown eyes paying attention to him filled his veins with a warm feeling that he didn’t quite recognize. It’s been years of sorrow, almost an ominous feeling kept surrounding him. So, the sweet feeling was almost foreign to him. 

He kept chasing that warmth that only Syd could create, feeling it slip between his ribs and stroking his unattended heart.

The smiles appeared; most white, perfectly imperfect teeth saying hi. The smiles weren’t the forced, uncomfortable ones, but the ones that were contagious and made his heart skip a beat. They weren’t always directed at him, but nothing felt better when he was the one that provoked them.

Oh boy how little prepared he was for her laugh. 

The first time he heard her belly laugh, his neck snapped in her direction. 

A captivating, pleasing sound that flowed like music. It was a sound that entered his eardrums and fed him with energy. Staying with him even hours after hearing it, he was desperate to amuse her enough to help create that sweet sound. But he wasn’t a funny person, it didn’t come easy to him. 

Despite that, she seemed to find him amusing from time to time, and every time it happened it was a moment he wanted plastered in his mind forever.

She glowed like nothing he had seen before. Syd illuminated the space around her and he was lucky enough to be under that light.

· 2 · 

⊱ Mending ⊰

After your best friend and brother kills himself, you are changed forever.

He was never funny or loud, he wasn’t good with people. He had a stutter, he was quiet and lonely; he was nothing like his brother. Food was forever tainted by Mikey, first for severing the connection they had through it, then for making him define his path of becoming a chef out of spite. It became his everything and at the same time it destroyed him, consuming him from the inside out.

When he for the first time felt okay, the food was irreversibly contaminated. It was spoiled and repugnant because Mikey killed himself and that severed connection was now shattered in a way that was so hard to even wrap his mind around it.

Mikey was loud and everywhere, his presence so intense and captivating you couldn’t look away or not pay attention to his stories. The void his brother left behind felt like a black hole that was slowly sicking him in. 

He never thought someone or something would redefine food for him. Food had turned into something he chastised himself with, but Sydney was changing that without even knowing it. 

Creating with her made him feel the pieces inside him connect with one another. Not whole again, not quite there yet, but at least the broken pieces had some glue attached to them. Barely holding themselves together, but he didn’t remember the last time he felt like he wasn’t torn into pieces all the time.

Sharing his days with her made him feel not quite so empty. Food was no longer a torture tool. 

· 3 · 

⊱ Syd’s version ⊰

Sometimes he upset her and a gaping hole in his heart was created. 

He had snapped at her and the hurt in her eyes showed in an instant despite her trying to conceal it. She was very transparent, something that left him in awe and made him entranced by her big communicative eyes and the constant expressions in her face. But that time, the clear expression of hurt made the pit of his stomach feel heavier and his limbs stretchy, like he could pull at them and they would keep growing until he reached his limit. 

Feeling his fingers tingle and move on their own, he ached to fix his own mess. He asked to be told what he was doing wrong and in retrospect it felt like an unfair request. 

They weren’t good at communicating, not really. When she was displeased with him he kept trying to find her gaze and communicate how sorry he was, not only with words but with his eyes also. 

His chest felt tight every time she avoided looking at him. Brown eyes staring at a dirty spot, haunting him without much effort.  A fair punishment, warranted but one that filled him with desperation. 

He wished to hug her and take all the pain he caused onto himself. He was scared though, it would be an intrusion; a closeness that he didn’t deserve yet. 

But he kept aching to comfort her, so he got brave and covered her hand with his when they were outside, in the back of the restaurant. 

Her hand reached out his. Instant sparkles, his heart fluttering and a stomach ache. 

A smile invaded his mouth and he repeatedly nibbed a particular spot of his lip with his teeth. Her long, delicate fingers felt cold to the touch and he had to fight the urge to cover them in between both of his hands. He’d give anything to be the one with the duty of keeping those hands safe, comfortable and warm. 

It’s too cold for you here, he wanted to tell her. 

She made a joke, making everything better in an instant. A gift he did not have, an ability he could only admire and welcome. It was laughable how utterly incompetent he was while trying to deal with feelings. 

She finally glanced at him. It was almost as if he got lost if Syd didn’t perceive him. Almost doubting his own existence, he felt like he was falling into an abyss. It is said that there are as many versions of yourself as there are observers. The version that was Syd’s had to be the best out of them all. 

· 4 · 

⊱ Rosary ⊰

One should never underestimate the human ability to adapt to its environment. 

He had lived for what felt like an eternity on a loop. His skin burning, his fingernails screaming at him. A fucked up stomach, uncountable cuts on himself and the all consuming, never ending grind. 

For the first time he wanted more than that, he wished to break the cycle. 

Sugar once told him that he couldn’t justify life by linking happy moments into a rosary. That stuck with him, because at that moment, he didn’t even have enough moments of joy to possibly make a string of beads. 

But now he had them. He was collecting moments of bonding with Syd like she was his religion. Cooking with her, making her laugh, sharing a quiet moment of understanding, creating and crafting so in sync that he couldn’t believe it was even possible. 

Her soft eyes, her smile when he congratulated her (he should do that more). Them going back and forth thinking and debating their options. Opening a business together. 

He looked at her and memorized her face like it was his very mission in life. 

Life never felt so worth living before. A rosary of special moments with Syd was more than enough for him to keep going.