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RESEARCH SUMMARY: NON-AGGRESSIVE HISS-CORRUPTED ENTITIES
06/04/2020

Compiled by: Head of Research Emily Pope
For the attention of: Director Jesse Faden

[Jesse – see below for the report you requested. No progress on the DNA analysis so far, I’m afraid, but we’ll keep trying. Do come on down to the new Hedron Research Lab when you have a minute; these next-generation HRAs are really something!

Emily

PS Coffee later?]

Background:
Physiological analyses of the floating, non-aggressive Hiss-corrupted entities (hereafter NAHCEs) have demonstrated that the Hiss resonance causes alterations at the DNA level. No attempt to reverse these alterations has yet proven effective, meaning that while Hiss corruption can be purged from inanimate objects without damage to the host, any attempt to do the same with an NAHCE will cause the host’s death.

Interventions tested:

• Use of HRAs. Does not harm host, but has no effect on Hiss corruption.
• Audio therapy with various versions of the Hiss incantation (reversed, frequency-reversed, polarized, etc. – see report NAHCE-17D for more information). No effect.
• Standard acute radiation syndrome treatment. No effect.
• Gene therapy. Ongoing – shows promise.

Future research directions:
Currently, the only two individuals known to be capable of resisting Hiss corruption independently are Jesse and Dylan Faden. It is presumed that their early exposure to Hedron resonance had a protective effect physiologically comparable to that of Hiss corruption. Analysis of Jesse Faden’s DNA for the precise factors involved in this process is ongoing.

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FEDERAL BUREAU OF CONTROL: FROM THE DESK OF DIRECTOR JESSE FADEN
07/18/2020

Draft 1

Dear Ms Gonzalez,

I regret to inform you that your daughter, Isadora Gonzalez, was killed in active duty in December of last year. From August 2019 to June 2020, the Bureau underwent a lockdown in order to combat a clear and urgent threat to the security of humanity the United States. We deeply regret the consequent delay in informing you of Isadora’s death, and ask for your understanding.

While the details of this incident are classified, I am authorized to inform you that Isadora’s courage under fire ultimately saved the lives of four of her comrades, and hope this knowledge offers you

[draft unfinished]

Draft 2

Dear Ms Gonzalez,

I regret to inform you that your daughter, Isadora Gonzalez, was killed in active duty in December of last year. From August 2019 to June 2020, the Bureau underwent a lockdown in order to combat a clear and urgent threat to the security of the United States. We deeply regret the consequent delay in informing you of Isadora’s death, and ask for your understanding.

Isadora died while defending a unit of eight security operatives, two of whom were seriously injured. At least four people owe their lives directly to her actions, and the data that her team collected was critical in ending the lockdown. She will be remembered as a heroine.

If I’d gotten there faster, she wouldn’t have had to be.

[draft unfinished]

Draft 3

Dear Ms Gonzalez,

I’m sorry.

[draft unfinished]

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MEMO TO: DIRECTOR JESSE FADEN
FROM: ANASTASIA HSU, SENIOR ACCOUNTANT, FBC HR
12/06/2025

Dear Director,

As per my last memo, please find attached my suggested top-level budget for next year. Funding allocations are very similar to those of previous years, with one exception: following the degradation in House stability due to the XXXXXXXX incident last month, I propose redirecting one-third to half of the NAHCE research budget to topological stabilization measures. While this change may appear extreme, I would note that our inability to guarantee the stability of our laboratories threatens all other forms of research currently underway in the Oldest House, including that of the NAHCE labs.

I would appreciate it if you could provide your approval by December 19 at the latest.

Kind regards,

A. Hsu

[Scribbled on the bottom in Jesse’s handwriting:]
REQUEST DENIED

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CENTRAL COORDINATION COMMITTEE MEETING TRANSCRIPT
11/05/2028

In attendance: J. Faden, Director; E. Pope, Head of Research; S. Arish, Head of Security; C. Olusoga, Head of Logistics; A. Hsu, Head of HR; G. Maitlock, Senior Accountant.

Absent: M. Geshin, Special Research Assistant, Paralinguistics (see attached report).

FADEN: Alright, meeting’s open. Carter, what have you got for us?

OLUSOGA: Morning, everyone. So, Black Rock production is up 200% thanks to the new cutting machines from Research – thanks, Pope – so we’re making good progress on those new firebreaks. Everything’s still on track for the deadlines we set last meeting, and we’re currently coming in under budget, as well.

FADEN: Huh. That’s… a hell of a lot better than I was expecting, actually. Emily, pass on our compliments to your team, will you? And Carter, why don’t you tell the firebreak squad they can take an extra week’s vacation if they get it done on time and under budget?

MAITLOCK: That’s–

OLUSOGA: Thanks, Director.

FADEN: Good luck. Simon, what’s new in Security?

ARISH: We’re also looking pretty good, all things considered. We lost a lot of staff securing the remains of the Parabiology Wing–

HSU: All but one department.

ARISH: All but one department, but–

POPE: I’d say we covered that decision in enough detail at the last meeting, wouldn’t you?

FADEN: Agreed. Carry on, Simon.

ARISH: Okay, so, things have been pretty calm since then, thank God. A few rumblings in the Astral Plane, but you’ve already got my report on that, and I doubled the guard on the Altered Items you mentioned, just in case. Oh, and we still need to iron out a few flaws in the new ranger selection criteria, but mission incidents have gone down a lot since we implemented them two months ago.

MAITLOCK: Do you have a figure on that?

ARISH: Uh, sure – [papers rustling] – 23%, give or take.

MAITLOCK: Give or take what?

ARISH: A couple limbs, I guess.

FADEN: [over Maitlock’s next question] Alright, good to hear. Emily, your turn.

POPE: So, Miriam’s out with the flu and couldn’t deliver her report personally, but I’ve attached it for everyone to read. I’m afraid it’s not looking especially promising. You know I never like to give up on a line of research, but if someone as talented as her can’t get useful results from this data, I think it might be time to admit defeat. On the other hand, the new theta-wave therapy is showing very impressive results, although so far only in lab rats. You’ll get a summary as soon as we finish the initial phase, of course.

FADEN: Thanks, Emily. Okay, everyone, thoughts on discontinuing paralinguistics research for the time being? Honestly, it seemed like a good idea when we started, but as far as I can tell, it’s just been one disappointment after another.

HSU: Agreed.

ARISH: Yeah. Hey, you want to transfer Geshin over to security? I’ve seen her in the gym, and she can wipe the floor with half my rangers.

FADEN: Noted. Carter?

OLUSOGA: Not really my area, but if it’s not producing results…

FADEN: And Emily, you’re in favor?

POPE: It’s a shame, but yes. Miriam was a double linguistics and human science major; there are a lot of other areas we could use her in.

FADEN: Alright, motion carried. Sorry, Simon, Research still gets first dibs. Anything else, Emily?

POPE: Not for now.

FADEN: Great. And, last but not least–

HSU: Thank you. Director, now that the repercussions of the Parabiology Wing’s collapse are largely under control, I think it’s time to return to the issue of the NAHCE budget.

[Arish and Olusoga groan quietly]

FADEN: I somehow thought it might be.

HSU: As I’m sure you’ll have seen from the budgetary projections I sent you last week, the deficit from the NAHCE department is set to grow by 35% over the next two years. That’s money we could be using to further stabilize the House, or get more boots on the ground at AWEs, or fund basic research across a whole variety of new areas. I know Paralinguistics didn’t work out, but Parabiology was producing extremely interesting results before the collapse, and those innovations will undoubtedly filter back to the benefit of the NAHCEs.

FADEN: Really? I sure haven’t seen much use out of them so far.

HSU: If–

FADEN: Emily?

POPE: She’s… not necessarily wrong, Jesse. A broad base of research, shared across all our departments, might actually produce better results for the NAHCEs than the current system. There’d be more collaboration, people could follow up ideas more easily… I’m not saying there wouldn’t be teething problems, but I can see it delivering.

FADEN: But nobody would be working on it directly.

POPE: The Foundation crystal analysis was a cross-departmental project. It doesn’t have to mean–

OLUSOGA: People will bitch about it, that’s all I’m going to say. Collaboration takes a lot longer when you’ve relying on paper memos for everything.

MAITLOCK: How much longer would you estimate?

OLUSOGA: I don’t know, call it an hour a day?

[muttering and scribbling]

FADEN: Look, we’re not thinking about this in terms of–

MAITLOCK: Three point three billion a year.

FADEN: What?

MAITLOCK: Three point three billion dollars a year. That’s what I estimate our savings will come to if we redistribute the NAHCE budget across departments. Even with the friction of paper memos. Actually, you can double the time wasted on paperwork and we’re still coming in at over three billion.

FADEN: That’s…

OLUSOGA: … A lot of money.

MAITLOCK: Most of it would go to Research, of course, but we could reprioritise some other line items. Half a billion each for the other sectors, say?

ARISH: That would mean… a hundred new security staff, at least. Or enough to pay the ones we’ve already got what they’re worth and then some. Not that I’m… but it would be good not to be making do all the time, you know?

OLUSOGA: The NAHCE work might even go quicker if we just redistributed it across the departments and then hired until we’re not understaffed anymore. Or, hell, think about what that money could do for the AWEs. Arish?

ARISH: True, they are getting more frequent. We’re barely keeping up as it is.

HSU: We could–

POPE: I don’t think–

FADEN: [shouting over them] Okay! Okay. Just – give me a minute.

[Silence, papers shuffling. Pope clears her throat as though about to speak, then doesn’t.]

FADEN: Alright. Hsu, have it your way.

HSU: Thank–

FADEN: But Emily gets full control over how the budget is redistributed, and I’ll want weekly reports on how work is progressing until– until we figure out how to cure this thing. Understood?

HSU: Thank you, Director.

POPE: Jesse–

FADEN: Meeting dismissed.

[End of meeting]

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FEDERAL BUREAU OF CONTROL:
SCRIPT FOR NEW EMPLOYEE ONBOARDING TOURS
LAST UPDATED: 01/23/2035

We are now entering Central Research, the heart of the Research Sector – and, importantly, the location of the canteen! This space may seem imposing at first, but you’ll soon feel right at home here – not to mention that all these steps provide the perfect opportunity to work off your lunch!

[NOTE FOR TOUR LEADER: REMEMBER TO POINT OUT THE LOCATION OF THE ELEVATORS FOR ANY EMPLOYEES WITH RESTRICTED MOBILITY.]

Now, as you look up at the majestic giant redwood, you may notice what appear to be people floating in the air. Don’t get your hopes up – the FBC has not perfected jetpack technology!* Rather, these unfortunate individuals are a reminder of an incident several decades ago, when the Bureau was briefly invaded by a malicious extradimensional force. While heroic FBC staff were eventually able to eliminate the threat, years of dedicated research have so far found no means of curing those who were possessed by the extradimensional entity during this period.

While their chanting may sound ominous, these individuals – known as non-aggressive Hiss-corrupted entities, or NAHCEs – pose no threat, and should be treated with the same respect you’d afford to any other colleague.

[NOTE FOR TOUR LEADER: REGARDLESS OF WHAT QUESTIONS YOU RECEIVE FROM YOUR TOUR GROUP, DO NOT REPEAT THE HISS INCANTATION. ANY FURTHER QUESTIONS ON THIS POINT FROM NEW EMPLOYEES SHOULD BE REFERRED TO FBC HR.]

Now, it’s time to explore some of the research departments! First up is the Ritual Division. Please watch your step as you follow me…

* [Rafael – please check this detail with Monica in Central Research before the next recruitment period. I’ve been hearing rumors of a Security/Parakinesiology team-up on that stalled jetpack project – I assume it’s not actually going anywhere (except down in flames), but best to make sure. Cheers, Nate]

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MEMO TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: FBC HR
12/05/2039

All agents are kindly requested to refrain from placing tinsel on the NAHCEs this holiday season. Such behavior is not only extremely disrespectful, it can also lead to XXXXXXXX, friction burns, and XXXXXXXX. Agents are reminded that any resulting injuries are not covered by FBC health insurance.

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MEMO TO: LYDIA HARPER
FROM: CORDELIA DI BELLO
3:51 PM, 05/03/2042

Hey, so, in case you’ve been living under a rock recently, which, idk, I haven’t seen you at Friday night beers for months, so maybe you have: might wanna take some of that overtime you have piling up soon. Director’s heard about you – and I quote Doc Caspersky, that bitch – “running wildly through the corridors yelling nonsense about DNA analysis during the minute’s silence”, and you know how seriously she takes that shit. Caspersky, I mean, not the Director. God knows what she’s thinking during those Invasion memorial services. She always kind of looks like she wants to cry and punch something at the same time – the Director, I mean, not Caspersky – which, big coincidence, is also how I feel when Caspersky talks to me. Anyway, think about it! My paranatural powers foresee budget cuts in your future, so you might as well quit while you’re behind and come up to Maine with me next weekend.

xoxo

MEMO TO: CORDELIA DI BELLO
FROM: LYDIA HARPER
4:44 PM, 05/03/2042

If I send you some figures, can you use your lab computer to analyze them for me? We’re running out of processing power down here.

MEMO TO: LYDIA HARPER
FROM: CORDELIA DI BELLO
4:52 PM, 05/03/2042

I don’t hear from you for six weeks and then this is all the apology I get? You’re lucky I’m such a good friend. If I run your analysis for you, will you come to Maine with me? I need a buffer between me and my brother’s fishing anecdotes.

xoxo

MEMO TO: CORDELIA DI BELLO
FROM: LYDIA HARPER
5:05 PM, 05/03/2042

Re: Maine: depends on the results of the analysis. Figures attached.

MEMO TO: LYDIA HARPER
FROM: CORDELIA DI BELLO
5:12 PM, 05/03/2042

God, you always play so hard to get. Alright, I’m running the analysis. What’s this all about, anyway?

xoxo

MEMO TO: LYDIA HARPER
FROM: CORDELIA DI BELLO
5:41 PM, 05/03/2042

C’mon, telllll meeeeee.

MEMO TO: LYDIA HARPER
FROM: CORDELIA DI BELLO
6:02 PM, 05/03/2042

Fine, have it your way. Results attached. You’re disinvited from Maine, btw.

MEMO TO: CORDELIA DI BELLO
FROM: LYDIA HARPER
6:11 PM, 05/03/2042

Come down to my office immediately.

MEMO TO: LYDIA HARPER
FROM: CORDELIA DI BELLO
6:15 PM, 05/03/2042

Uh, fuck no? I can’t even find your office half the time. Why did you have to pick the one floor they’ve never been able to stabilize for your labs?

Also, I might run into Caspersky on the way there.

Also, I’m still mad at you.

MEMO TO: CORDELIA DI BELLO
FROM: LYDIA HARPER
6:29 PM, 05/03/2042

I think I’ve found a way to cure the NAHCEs. Come down to my office.

MEMO TO: LYDIA HARPER
FROM: CORDELIA DI BELLO
6:34 PM, 05/03/2042

1. Not an apology.
2. The floaters??
3. Still mad.

MEMO TO: CORDELIA DI BELLO
FROM: LYDIA HARPER
6:51 PM, 05/03/2042

C,

I haven’t slept in forty-eight hours. If you’d just come down to my office I’d be able to explain more efficiently, but here goes:

There was a building shift in the back of the Parabiology Lab two months ago, and suddenly a doorway appeared to this old room with a bunch of discontinued research in it. Most of it was garbage from the first days of the Invasion, when they still had no idea what they were dealing with, but some of it was interesting. I stumbled across this old DNA study – did you know they once sequenced the Director’s genome trying to figure out how to fix the NAHCEs? Anyway, they didn’t get anywhere back then, but some of the fundamentals were a little like my PhD research, so I figured I’d dig into it in my spare time and see if I could take it any further.

Long story short: I have. Your analysis proved it. It’s early days yet, but there’s a cure in here, I can feel it.

I’m not going to Maine, and neither are you. I’m sorry. Will you come down now?

L

MEMO TO: LYDIA HARPER
FROM: CORDELIA DI BELLO
6:58 PM, 05/03/2042

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MEMO TO: LYDIA HARPER
FROM: CORDELIA DI BELLO
6:59 PM, 05/03/2042

(Apology accepted.)