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Castiel is lost in the moment he pushed Dean away. The moment he gave voice to his greatest happiness and his greatest sorrow. He feels like a failure but that’s nothing new. He wishes he could lie and say his greatest happiness was Jack but there’s no point in lying anymore. There’s isn’t even anyone to lie to here.
Trapped in the moment Dean meet his eyes, uncertain expression on his face as he’s overtaken by the black tar of The Empty. Castiel relives this moment over and over. Convincing himself that Dean’s expression is one of reciprocation and love before tearing down his own argument. He wants to scream and rage and fight like Dean taught him when he convinces himself that Dean’s look was one of horror and revulsion as Castiel gave up his final truth and his very existence to save Dean.
Maybe it was always meant to be this way. Maybe if Castiel had been stronger, braver, swifter, he could have gotten to Dean before he broke the first seal and gone back to heaven. There he would be safe from fear and doubt and questions he’s not even supposed to consider. He would be safe from pain, failure, and expulsion. He would be safe from the chaos that floats around The Winchesters like too much aftershave. He would be safe from joy, love, fatherhood, and freedom.
Trapped endlessly in the moment he laid truly bare for Dean and still not knowing what the human felt is a torture unlike any Castiel has ever endured.
Dean is worth it.
He prays to a father that never loved him for mercy, for oblivion and knows he will be left wanting. He wants the dark ooze around him to finally swallow him while so he can think of something other than Dean’s expression.
He feels a tug on his left shoulder, right where he marked Dean. It must be his imagination because Castiel was not saved. The tug becomes a pull and Castiel is suddenly terrified to leave his moment. If he leaves he might have to spend an eternity without Dean and the thought alone makes him wish he could scatter his consciousness across the cosmos so he can never again think of something so painful.
Castiel is ripped free of that moment. He blinks, the sudden brightness now that he’s not trapped in ooze is blinding. He’s staring at the door in the bunker. He hears pounding. He fights against the words he knows are coming but is helpless to stop himself.
“When Jack was dying, I… I made a deal to save him,” Castiel hears himself say.
Trapped in the moment he could have gotten everything he ever wanted, Castiel prays to anyone who can hear him, please don’t make him lose Dean again.