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It takes the Lasso kids a whole minute to notice something’s wrong.
That’s how usually a Sunday afternoon goes: whenever Henry is around, which is a lot lately ever since he chose to go to uni and not college, the blonde young man and his younger sister always make up a plan for weekends. It almost always involves baking with dad, playing football with mum or playing board games all together. It was sacred. No plans other than family plans on sundays. Ted Lasso was raised in a Christian household where Sundays were meant to be spent in church, in prayer and in quiet. Now, Sundays were laughter and a family to finally call his.
Dottie would call every once in a while, most times to Henry and not Ted, to ask about her own child.
“Is he going to church? Your dad, you— you know, everyone. It’s so different, out of Kansas, to keep track of those things-“
“I don't know, grandma. You can ask him, you know?” Henry would reply with patience. He was a good boy. He had his own problems with his grandma alright, but she was still just an old woman as hurt as his own dad. He tried not to get in the way.
“What about you?” Dottie would ask one day. “Have you been praying, young boy? I felt in my heart to ask you that. You know, God wants to speak to you-”
“Sure,” Henry would reply. God can forgive a little lie, right? Especially when the last time he recalls calling God’s name was last night while a cute brunette guy had him in his mouth.
Dottie wouldn’t call or ask personal things to Ted. Or Ellie, Dottie's younger granddaughter. Henry would feel bad as the chosen one, but usually he didn’t think much about it all.
So that Sunday afternoon when Ellie and Henry get inside still in swimming clothes to their plans with Ted and Rebecca, Ellie still laughing about something stupid her big brother just said, it takes them a whole sixty seconds to notice.
Rebecca’s nowhere to be seen - Henry has a feeling she warned them she was going out for a minute to grab something she forgot with Keeley, but both kids were having too much fun in a swimming contest to pay close attention.
Henry’s the one to notice the shift in the air first. He’s older, he’s known Ted longer, so that makes sense.
Their house is quiet. It’s never quiet. Not on Sundays. Ted was supposed to be in the kitchen with an apron and a silly smile. Or in their living room, catching up with the NFL on cable TV.
He wasn’t here or there.
Henry’s taller. He’s the one who sees his dad first.
On the floor, curled up with his head between his tights.
“Dad?” Henry calls for him. Ted doesn’t move.
Henry now had long limbs and an impressive shape that usually made those who knew him as a little slim kid to stand in awe.
So Henry forgets everything - forgets that he’s still wet, that he’s not supposed to run inside when he’s dripping from the pool, that Ellie couldn’t see the image in front of them yet, the kitchen counter at her own height covering their father at the corner between kitchen and living room. With his heart in his throat, he screams again: “Dad!”
As a twenty five year old boy, Henry sometimes felt out of place with those big muscles, arms and legs that weren’t there before, not until he insisted to keep going towards his interest in football. Roy Kent was a proud coach whenever Henry would flex his arms just to show off, Ellie and Jamie rolling their eyes. In that second, running towards his dad, muscles be damned - he was just a little boy again.
In those strong arms and new muscles, however, is where he holds an off-orbit Ted Lasso, holding his shaking body in such strength that could bruise. “C’mon, hey, hey, it’s okay. Hey, dad. It’s me. It’s Hen. It’s okay. Just breathe, easy—“
Ted stares at him for the first time, just now noticing his own kid is holding him, frightened and desperate himself. With that one look he breaks again, his whole face squirms in pain and he’s crying, desperately crying, sobbing on Henry's arms, on the floor.
Henry’s been there for lots of Ted's episodes. None quite like this.
“Ells,” he calls his sister. Henry still holds and soothes a desperate sobbing Ted Lasso in his arms, holding his dad close. He takes a look at the younger Lasso. Her eyes are bigger than he’s ever seen as she stands frozen in the middle of the room, not knowing what to do. “Go get Rebecca. Please.”
“I don't—“ she starts, her voice weak, tears in her eyes. She’s scared, too.
“Eleanor, please,” he begs, calling her by name, the name he chose, the name his dad and Rebecca allowed him to choose. “Get the hell out and go find mum.”
As she moves uncertainty, Ted holds Henry with white knuckles. It’s the only anchor he has at this moment. His son, now an adult, still looking after him. When Ellie passes them with careful steps, her eyes meet Ted's for a second. His whole expression says he’s sorry. There are tears streaming down his face. She wants to tell him it’s alright, wants to hold him the same way Henry's doing, but she also wants him to breathe. So she just stares at him back, teary eyed herself.
While looking at her dad, Ellie forgets to look at the floor. She steps onto something hard that pierces through her skin. She sharps away, jumping to the side in painful reflection, and turns to see what it is. It’s Ted's phone. Tossed in the middle of the hallway.
The lighted up screen gets her attention. She puts it towards her ear, not knowing what else to do, hoping it would be her mother. She desperately wants her mother right now.
“Hello?”, she says, shaky voice.
“Oh, thank god,” the voice on the other side replies. “Is that Ellie?”
“Yes?”
“Sweetie, can you please get Henry? I need-“
Ellie takes the phone away from her ear to look at the screen once again. She confirms it. It’s Michelle.
“What happened?”
“I was just talking to your dad and— would you please get Henry on the phone?” She seems in distress herself, impatient. Ellie hates that feeling. She wanted to help, but for that she needed to understand what was happening. She hated people treating her as if she was a little girl. She felt just like one at this very minute, but she needed someone to not treat her like that.
“Michelle. Tell me what happened.”
It takes Michelle a minute to make another sound. Ellie can tell she’s debating whether she should say it or not. Considering Ted's state, it can’t be an easy choice to make.
The older woman takes a heavy breath. “Is your mom there?”
“God, just say it!” She snaps, screaming at the phone. She instantly regrets it. It’s not Michelle's fault. She’s far enough from Ted and Henry, but she knows they heard her. She can almost hear Ted’s protests urging her to watch her tone.
Michelle’s voice is low and pitiful when she finally says it apologetic: “It’s your grandmother. Dottie, she— I'm so sorry, honey. I really am.”
Ellie hears the front door go open. Rebecca’s home. She can fix this. Her mum can fix everything.
“I'm home!” She shouts, unaware of the situation inside the house. Their just minutes ago sacred and peaceful house.
“Thank you for letting me know,” It’s all Ellie replies to her father’s ex-wife.
“Ellie…” Michelle tries to keep her on the line.
“I'm alright. I gotta go. I gotta be there for dad. Thank you, I— my mum will call you later.”
The call ends.
Rebecca finds Ellie first.
“Eleanor, what did I say? No wet clothes inside the house! Please, it’s hard enough—“
“Dad needs you,” it’s the only thing she says before feeling her feet fail and tossing her whole body against her mother’s. Tears finally start to fall.
She’s not crying for her grandmother. God bless her soul, but she really isn't. She’s crying because her father is in pain and she doesn’t know how to help.
As Ellie cries and cries while a dead-worried Rebecca holds her asking what’s happening, trying her best to comfort her young child and run towards her husband as soon as she can, the Welton-Lasso girl tries not to think about her own father and that feeling she’s feeling now - that soothing feeling, the feeling of being held and taken care of by a loving mother. One feeling he’ll never get again.
And perhaps never had.
__
Eleven hours later, they're in Kansas.
Ted keeps quiet the whole flight, the only motion and proof he was there being the tight hold of his hand into Rebecca's, as she brushed her thumbs against his palm, not daring to speak. He needed more time.
Henry sits with Ellie. He doesn't say much either. It was pretty clear from the start the boys would be the ones to feel it harder. At times during the flight, Rebecca and Ellie's eyes would meet. They had the same look.
"What do we do? What do we say to make this better to our boys?"
Henry still tries to act normal, offering one of his earpods to share with Ellie. She gladly accepts it. He puts a Disney movie - Tangled - on his iPad, as the younger one lays her head against his shoulder. He kisses the top of her head twice, as she holds him close. It's not long until both of them are asleep, tired from all the crying from the past couple of hours. They fall asleep like that, holding each other, their blonde locks tangled just like Rapunzel's in that movie they were trying to watch. The seven years between them wasn't enough to keep them apart. They were each other's best friend. From day one, Henry was obsessed with the idea of having a brother or sister. He held her carefully the day she was born, Ted there to assist, saying "easy, buddy, easy… there you go. Perfect. Say hi to your sister, Hen."
"She's so little," he said to his father that day.
Ted chuckled. "She is. The littlest of all beans, isn't she?" He says that while looking at the pink bundle in Henry's arms with such devotion in his eyes that he could finally understand what his mother felt when she went to church. "So were you, when you were her age."
"No, I wasn't. I wasn't that little." Ted nods, deciding not to argue. Henry had his mother's stubbornness after all.
Little Eleanor looks at her older brother with small eyes and hazy vision. But it's all it takes. One look and she knows she'll love him forever.
Eleanor. After Eleanor Rigby. Henry chose the name, a hardcore fan of The Beatles from such a young age, mostly because he wanted to bond over something with his dad. Not that he needed it - Ted was there for whatever Henry wanted to talk about - cars or dolls. But it was nice to share something his father also loved. When Ted told Rebecca about Henry's name of choice, she frowned. "Eleanor Rigby dies alone at the end of that song," she had said.
Ted shrugged and thought about it for a minute. “I don't think he's old enough to understand what the song's saying.”
When Ellie learned that story, she also just shrugged, just like her dad had done back in the day. "Everyone dies anyway," she replied.
She was seven.
__
"I wasn't there."
Rebecca turns to Ted, not sure if she'd heard correctly.
"What's that, love?"
"I wasn't there," he repeats. "When she died. I wasn't there."
He doesn't dare to look at her. He has tears in his eyes again, stupid tears beyond his control, but his gaze is on his children. They sleep peacefully in each other's arms, the movie credits on the screen in front of them. He wants to keep them that way. In thin air, inside this jet. Away from the problems of the world - problems of his own. Away from the pain.
Rebecca lets him enjoy the image of their children for a little longer. They’re not so little anymore, but when they cuddle up like that, she can almost see the days that have gone by, days when Henry was still a skinny little lad and Ellie chased after him with chubby legs. She doesn't ask Ted to look at her. He deserves to take in that image.
"I wasn't there either. When you heard the news. Do you blame me?"
He looks at her suddenly.
"No. No, of course not. I'd never-"
"She doesn't blame you either, Ted. It's okay."
He sighs. More than fifty years of experience and he still was terrible at keeping up with his emotions.
"She does blame me. For lots of things. She-" he stops himself all of sudden, closing his eyes, shaking his head.
Rebecca eyes him in understanding.
"You don't have to stop yourself from speaking your mind, the truth, just because she died. Remember my dad's funeral? Called him a shitty husband right before I got up that stage. It did help."
Ted's eyes remain closed. Rebecca knew it wasn’t like him to talk about other people, especially under such circumstances. But she also knew he needed to vent, to let go. Just a little.
"She wasn't the best mother in the world. She wasn't the worst one, either. I understand most of her choices. I just… wished it was different, y'know?" His hands go after his own broad chest, trying to rub the pain away. It was something he did whenever he felt like his cages were closing under him, suffocating him. Rebecca notices it, as she always does, and uses her own delicate hands for that. She massages his chest, his heart, with one hand - the other caresses his hair, pulling him in.
"I know, love. I know. You are exhausted. Try to get some sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."
He nods, not saying anything else.
Rebecca thinks he is already fast asleep minutes later, but he murmurs something else with eyes still closed: "If I don't have the chance in the next few days, tell them I'm sorry. The kids. I didn't mean to scare them. I'm so sorry, R’becca. Ellie, she-"
Rebecca stops him with light kisses against his moving lips. She knows what he's saying. It was hard enough to rely on Henry to help whenever Ted was in one of his episodes, but Henry was used to it, at least in a way that allowed him to know what to do. Ellie wasn't. Besides, Henry was in his twenties now. His sister was fifteen. Ted remembers walking in on his father at that state, in his mania episodes. He was also fifteen at that time. He didn't want history to repeat itself.
"They'll be fine, Ted. They're just worried about you. Ellie's a tough girl. Tougher than you."
At that, he chuckles. Just a little, but still a tiny victory for Rebecca. "That she is. Takes after her mother."
He allows himself to drift off after that. Next stop: Dreamland. Not Kansas. Not his mother's house, with a lifeless body in it.
Not yet.
__
“Dad?”
Ellie stands at the doorstep to Ted's childhood bedroom. Looking back, he never thought he’d have a fifteen year old daughter to stand in there with him one day. Especially not under such circumstances.
“Hey, honey,” he offers her a small smile and a hand. She seems unsure but he nods, urging her to come inside. Letting her know it’s okay. He’s not gonna break in front of her again.
She goes straight to his arms, just like she did when she was a little kid. God, he misses those days. She’s a beautiful young woman now, so beautiful he can’t quite believe she’s half his.
It’s not long until Ted sits on his old bed and pulls her in. It’s the first moment they’ve had together by themselves ever since it happened.
“I wanted to apologize to you,” she starts, keeping her voice down. It was something she did whenever they were at his mother’s house. Dottie used to hate whenever she’d run around loudly when she was little.
“Apologize to me? Honey, what the heck for?!”
“I wanted to help. When you— but Henry— and I didn't mean to leave you there, I promise! I was just trying you get mum—“
Ted shakes his head, his eyes searching for hers in worry.
“Hey, no, no, no, c’mon now. If anything I'm the one who’s supposed to be saying sorry. I’m sorry, hun. It must have scared the heck out of ya, huh?”
His daughter looks at her own hands on her lap and nods slowly. Ted presses his fingers harder against hers.
“It's not your fault. I was just dead worried you were in danger or hurt or, or…”
He takes no time in putting his arms around her shoulder, dropping kisses against her soft temple. “I'm okay. See? I’m here with ya. All flesh and bones and bad jokes,” she chuckles a little. His heart gets lighter. “As long as I have you, and your brother, and your mother - I'm okay. Better than okay, I'm perfect. Alright? As long as I have you guys. I’m not going anywhere.”
He says that more to himself than to her. He needs it to be true. He needs to believe he’s not his father. Because he is not. He's a troubled man for sure, but the love he’s got for the people around him is so different. So pure. He’d never leave them, doesn’t matter how mistreated by his own demons he is.
“I want to apologize for something else,” Ted raises his brows in question. He hates that she feels like she needs to say sorry for anything whatsoever, but lets her keep going. “I don't think I'll be speaking at the church event later. Hen’s gonna do it, they said I should do it, too. I tried to come up with what to say, tried to write a speech, but…”
Ted nods. He understands. God, does he understand.
“You don’t have to, Ells.”
“I know. I know you wouldn’t force me. But I wish I would. I wish I had nice things to say without giving it much thought.”
Ted nods one more time, holding her hand. It was unspoken between all of them, the way Dottie mistreated Ellie in comparison to Henry. It was always the boy and no one else, as if she didn’t have another granddaughter. Dottie would complain to every little thing Ellie had to say or did whenever they were in Kansas, to an extent the girl didn’t find much joy going there anymore when she was younger. To that, Ted could relate a lot.
One night, laying in bed in their house in Kansas, Rebecca talked to Ted about it. “I think it’s my fault,” she said out of the blue. “The way your mother treats Ellie. She’s not mean by any means, but she’s not… that affectionate either. I think she does it because she was never in favour of our marriage. And, you know - you living with us in England. Leaving Kansas again. Taking Henry away for half of every year.”
“I don't care,” he replied abruptly, his mad tone, a rare appearance in his bubbly persona, forcing her to look at him. “I don't care what she thinks, likes or dislikes. This is my family we’re talking about. Our family. She’s my kid. So is Henry. She has no say in this.”
“Ted,” Rebecca had said in a sweet, understanding tone, trying to calm him down. “You don’t have to fight another battle with her just because of me. We’ll be fine. We’ve got enough love everywhere else.”
“It’s not just ‘case of ya. ‘Course I'd go to war for ya, for them, in a heartbeat. But it’s not only ‘bout that. Whenever she’s rash with Ellie, I just try to get extra sweet with her. Whenever she gives Henry a present and none to Ellie, I just buy her two. I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do, don’t know if Henry’s gonna be jealous or– but I have to. To compensate. I don’t want my kid to feel rejected ‘cause of my mom. I’ve had enough of that for the whole Lasso family.”
His wife presses her light pink nails against his cheek, pulling him in for a sweet kiss. “You’re the best father in the world, have I told you that lately?”
“I'm just trying to be a decent one.”
So it wasn’t a surprise, really, that Ellie didn’t feel connected towards his mother. He wasn’t expecting her to mourn the way Henry was mourning. It was the loss of a loved one, yes - but also the realization that that person didn’t give them good enough moments to work with. It was a lot to process for a fifteen year old. At fifty, he was still learning.
She doesn’t make a speech, after all.
But she stays there by her father’s side the whole time, holding his hand.
__
Henry made a beautiful speech. In a suit and tie, standing there feeling so small, but looking so big.
Michelle was there.
When Henry said “Grandma, I don't know if this is the time and place to tell you this, but I'm gay”, Michelle touched Ted's biceps from where she was sitting, at the bench behind them. Ted turned his head lightly to acknowledge her touch, what it meant, touching her hand right back and holding it for a brief moment.
Rebecca saw the interaction by the corner of her eye. At that, she offered a tiny smile in understanding. She wasn’t jealous of Ted and Michelle, not even during exchanges like this. It was common to happen - at Henry's prom, the day he got into university, the first time he introduced a boy to them. Happened when Michelle picked them up at the airport, mostly to hug and comfort her own son, but taking no time to rush towards Ted also, saying how sorry she was.
Rebecca was grateful that Ted and Henry had that sweet familiar environment still after a failed marriage. That was something she never got to have.
“I don’t think it matters that much now. I should’ve been braver to say it to you sooner. Just want you to know that I’ll miss everything. Even the speech about sin and hell that you were about to give me whenever I decided to give you the news. I mean - it’s hardly news. I’m surprised you didn’t notice it before when I had the Miley Cyrus fanboy phase. But even knowing you wouldn’t understand, or thinking you wouldn’t understand… you did give me that Hannah Montana t-shirt, didn’t you? So I guess… sometimes you could surprise us all. I’ll miss not knowing what to expect with you.”
Ted looks at his son, his beautiful son, with tearful eyes. He was wrong in one thing.
Henry was so brave. Braver than his father.
“I may never understand everything you went through. I may not always agree, in retrospect, with your ways in dealing with all that. But I saw you for who you were. A woman trying her best. In the end, that’s all we’re all doing in this world. Trying our best within our limits. Thank you for teaching me that.”
They cry, they sing, they eat. People say beautiful things, things Ted mostly can’t relate to, not right now. But he tries to. Henry was the one to taught him that.
Beard was there, too. He flew the day after, showing up for his friend. He was the one responsible for taking Henry and Ellie to dinner that night. “My treat. Best burger with barbecue sauce in the world.”
Ted thanked him with a silent look. The kids deserved a night out.
It was him and Rebecca in the end. Just like their beginning.
Her eyes had dark bags under them and he knew she wasn’t sleeping properly. She was too busy watching him sleep, keeping an eye on him. His eyes were so small from all the crying, tiredness all over him. Hers were alert and big, always searching for him in every room, always there to hold his hand.
“Come to bed with me,” he says while hugging her from behind, his hands over her stomach, his chin against her shoulder.
“‘Course, darling. Do you need anything else? A hot cocoa, perhaps?”
He sighs. “Nah, I'm good. Thanks for not offering tea, though.”
Rebecca drops her head to look at him from upside down. “I know who I married.”
“I just need you. Please? Bed.”
She doesn’t say anything else. She grabs his hand and guides him to their bathroom, still in Kansas but far away from his mother’s house. A choice he deliberately made when he made an offer.
She wanted to help him heal and forget. Wanted to take all his thoughts off him and reassure him it would be alright. They always made it in the end.
When the kids arrive after eleven, the house is quiet. A peaceful quiet this time, not like the previous time.
Henry shushes Ellie as they get in silently, not wanting to disturb their parents.
“Hey,” Henry whispers at her as they sit at the sofa, heavy from all the eating and allowing themselves for the first time to have fun. Uncle Beard helped with that, of course. “You okay?”
Ellie shrugs. “I've been better. You? Anything I can do to help?”
Henry looks at her, choosing to playfully kick her leg with his foot. “You make it all better already, little brat.”
It takes them a moment just sitting there together before she asks: “D’you think dad will be okay?”
“He will. It’s dad. There’s no one quite like him. We just need to stay together and be there for him. Think you can do that?” Henry replies in a serious tone.
“I can do that.”
“Good.”
Ellie throws herself at her brother’s strong arms. “Can you stay for the night? Please? We can watch Doctor Who till four AM just like old times.”
Henry looks at her suspiciously. It was also his house, yes - but ever since he moved to London, it was common for him to stay with his mother when he was in town.
“Which season?”
“The greatest bond ever, ever since Henry and Ells. Doctor-Donna, season four.”
Henry rolls his eyes. “But I’m Donna, of course.”
“‘Course you are.” They laugh a little. It’s good to be able to do that again. They’re gonna be okay.
After a call is made to Michelle to let her know he’s staying for the night, there’s popcorn in the microwave. Doesn’t matter how much they ate before, the situation asked for popcorn. Henry is opening the hot bag when his sister says: “Thank you for taking such good care of us, Hen.”
The older one pulls her into a hug and smiles against her blonde wavy hair, squeezing her a little.
“I learned it all from the very best Lasso.”