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Jackie couldn’t pinpoint exactly when she started feeling unusually shy around Shauna. Or when she started noticing how her eyelashes cast shadows on her skin, how soft her hands felt when they brushed accidentally against hers, or how her hair got tangled against the wind if they drove with the windows down.
Jackie wasn’t fully concerned with the “when” if she was being honest. The “why” was a more pressing matter. Shauna was her best friend. You’re supposed to love and admire each other like that. But lately, she was having a hard time convincing herself this was friend love. It felt different. Scary different. It felt suffocating. All she could think about was how overwhelming it felt when Shauna looked at her and how hard her heart beat when they were together. And she felt like Shauna knew it too. Their times together had suddenly felt more tense. When they were younger, they would play endlessly and talk about anything and everything. Now, there was a sudden hesitation. Jackie would overthink how she talked, how she looked, how she made Shauna feel. She would get embarrassed easily for Christ’s sake, Jackie Taylor didn’t get embarrassed like that. And Shauna wouldn’t pry when Jackie’s cheeks went pink or when her hands lightly trembled; which only made their dynamic more tense.
Jackie told herself they were going through a weird patch. They were making long-term plans and navigating the uncertainty of senior year. It was normal for them to have a lot on their mind. She was also going through a weird patch with Jeff. Every time she tried to have sex with Jeff, she couldn’t bring herself to. Even when he touched her, she just felt so out of body. Like she was watching herself try to enjoy it. She tried to rationalize that it was normal to feel that way. That’s just how sex with boys was. But it wasn’t just the sexual part. It was the emptiness she felt whenever Jeff complimented her, how she liked being kissed and hugged but didn’t feel…alive. Where was the romcom passion, the burning for someone, the talking without words the-the…all the things she felt around Shauna.
She would just have to bury this. After all, Shauna mattered more to her than anything else. And she wasn’t going to let that go simply because she was confused. She needed her friend. And who knows maybe it’s just senior year and she’ll think differently in college. Right now, she just has to focus on getting ready for Mari’s birthday party. She’s not fully excited for it, Mari isn’t the kindest person on the team. But she’s still a Yellowjacket and Jackie knows she cares about the other girls in her own way.
“You’re unusually quiet,” said Shauna smirking while she drove. Jackie didn’t even realize she had gone silent for so long.
“Oh yeah, guess I just was mentally preparing myself to see Randy do a keg stand and burp so hard he makes the room smell like hotdog,” Jackie said laughing trying to lighten the mood. She got a giggle out of Shauna that made her feel warm inside.
“Gross. Now I have to mentally prepare myself for that” Shauna said shaking her head as they pulled up to Mari’s driveway.
“Is Jeff coming tonight?” Shauna asked tentatively.
“Uh yeah”
“Wow, that answer is super convincing.” Shauna teased. “Are you guys okay?” she asked a bit more serious looking at Jackie.
Jackie felt frozen under her stare. Like Shauna undressed her soul every time their gazes met. She blinked looking away nervously. “We’re going through a weird time. He asked for space. So that’s what we’re doing.” She replied with a tight smile.
“And you’re okay with that?”
Jackie smiled softly at her concern. “I’m fine Shipman. We both talked about this party. He’s going to be with his friends and I’m going to be with mine. It should be fine.” She said and put her hand on Shauna’s shoulder to reassure her. As quickly as she lay her hand, she pulled it away not wanting to make things weird and started getting out of the car. “Come on. We got a party to go to.”
Once they entered the party was already packed. They arrived a little late so people were already a little tipsy. They approached some of the other Yellowjackets who were chatting in corner, who cheered as they noticed them approaching.
“Oh shit, it's Captain Princess and her star player.” Nat said as she hugged them hello.
“Hi to you too Nat” Jackie replied playfully rolling her eyes and greeting everyone else.
“By the way I'm no star player, I think Taissa’s got me beat by a landslide.” Shauna said as she also finished greeting the others.
“Hey, we gotta score all the goals we can get,” Taissa said smiling. “I think we can make it to Nationals”.
“I think we can make it to our next game…and take it from there,” Jackie said humbly. “Let’s not jinx anything”.
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll let you be humble and captain-like. But I think we’re making it” Taissa said coyly.
“And I think I need a drink” Said Shauna shutting down any more soccer talk pulling Jackie by her hand and into the kitchen. Jackie felt her hand start to sweat and get a familiar warmth in her stomach. Shit.
“What are we drinking Shippy” She asked trying not to think about their short handhold.
“I don’t know actually” She said looking around the kitchen. “I can't find any beer”
“Hey, you guys should try this,” said another girl who was in the kitchen and handed them her cup to try. Shauna tried it and made a thinking face as she passed the cup to Jackie. Jackie took a soft swig of the cup, wanting to linger on where Shauna’s lips had been. She wondered if Shauna also thought of it that way. Like another way of kissing. She looked at Shauna while she did, noticing her get flushed. Jackie’s face twisted as she swallowed.
“Ugh, that’s disgusting what is that?” Jackie said lightly coughing as the other girl laughed.
“Malibu with milk. You want some?” she asked them.
“I’ll do one”. Shauna said quickly surprising Jackie.
“Shauna what the fuck that’s probably the grossest thing I've ever tried. We can find something else.”
“Well, I didn’t mind it. So, I want some” Shauna replied sharply. “I also don’t have to drink whatever you drink Jackie, but I can help you look for something.” She added in a kinder tone, but her words still hit Jackie like a truck.
“Jeez okay, I was just looking out for your tastebuds,” Jackie said annoyed. Shauna stared at her coldly. Jackie couldn’t understand Shauna’s gaze. Was she angry? Was she okay with her?
Her train of thought was interrupted by the girl handing Shauna her cup. Jackie left her side to look for some beer. She wasn’t in the mood to figure Shauna out today. Shauna would always do this. Get angry or annoyed and never say anything about what was going on. Unless Jackie spent endless hours and questions trying to get it out of her. She stopped doing that lately. She was done exhausting herself. She walked aimlessly through the house until she found a beer keg and poured herself a cup.
“No Jeff tonight?” asked Nat leaning against the wall next to Jackie.
“Uh no he’s just with his friends tonight, he told me the boys wanted him for a beer pong tournament or something” Jackie brushed off the topic trying to have a half-decent explanation. Nat looked at her seriously trying to read her expression.
“You smoke pot, right?” Nat asked trying to hide a smile while Jackie scoffed.
“Contrary to popular belief Nat, I’m not a TOTAL prude.”
“Okay okay, come with me then.” She pulled herself off the wall and nodded her head towards the door as Jackie followed. Lottie and Van were already outside on the porch smoking cigarettes.
“Well Hello hello” Van said arching her eyebrows.
“Captain is gonna smoke a joint with us,” Nat said smiling. Lottie quirked her head.
“Is that so?” Lottie said pursing her lips. Nat lit the joint and passed it to Lottie. “Damn, this night is just full of surprises” taking a drag and looking at Jackie with a proud expression on her face.
“Oh come on, Jackie’s lived a little”. Van said and narrowed her eyes toward Jackie, “You have smoked before haven’t you?”
“Yeah, I have. With Jeff once, but I don’t really…remember how it felt” She said shyly taking the joint from Lottie and inhaling as they watched her with curious eyes. She took in a drag and held it for a little bit before exhaling.
“That was nice, I would’ve bet you’d cough up a-“Nat was cut off by Jackie coughing deeply while the others laughed.
“Shit” Jackie said laughing. They all giggled and smoked in silence for a little bit before Jackie spoke again. “Hey, Nat, can I ask you a question?”
“You just did” She replied.
“Don’t be stupid” Jackie said lightheartedly.
“Shoot”
“Have-Have you had sex before?” Jackie asked.
“Woooow” Lottie said laughing while Van giggled.
“Have you?” Nat asked back teasing.
“No.” Jackie said simply. “I’m still figuring out when I want to lose it.”
Nat laughed and shrugged her shoulders. “It’s not a thing you plan Taylor.” She said chuckling lightly. “It just happens. If you go out of your trying to make it perfect, you’re just gonna be disappointed.”
“So it's not good?” Jackie asked hesitantly. “Sex, I mean. It's not good?”
“It’s good Jackie. Just maybe not the first time. I think. Its…kind of awkward.” She paused looking up trying to remember the feeling. “Like you don’t feel like you know what you’re doing but also know exactly what to do? It's like everything you do for the first time, its new and you have to figure it out. But it is good, it's fun.” Nat explained. Jackie stayed quiet thinking about all the times Jeff and her had done sexual things. Jackie had never found them fun, far from it. They always felt chore-like, like it’s just something she did to make Jeff happy. Because those are things that are part of a relationship, they’re things they should do.
“Hey, don’t think about it too much, ok? You’ll know” Nat added looking gently at her.
“Yeah you’re right. I’ve just been feeling a little lost-” Jackie was cut off by Taissa and Shauna entering the porch sloppily holding on to each other for balance.
“Hiiii team” Taissa said giggling.
“You guys were having a party outside without us. Dicks” Shauna said playfully slurring her words.
“Shauna how many drinks have you had?” Jackie asked laughing.
“It’s all about quality, not quantity” Taissa replied for her.
“Yeah, plus I can drink as many as I want.” Shauna disentangled herself from Taissa’s side, but quickly swayed having trouble standing upright. Jackie held her arms in front of her and Shauna quickly grabbed her forearms to steady herself.
“You good, Shipman?” she asked softly looking into Shauna’s brown eyes. Shauna looked back dazed.
“Yeah,” Shauna said trying to control her breathing and blinking hard. “I’m fine.”
Jackie studied her. She was not fine. Shauna was a lightweight and she was struggling to stand. Jackie knew it was only a matter of time before she threw up, but she couldn’t force Shauna to the bathroom. She was too prideful. “Hey, I have to pee. Can you come with me to a bathroom?” Jackie said and Shauna looked up trying to study her. She simply nodded and let Jackie guide her inside the house. She held her hand all the way to the bathroom on the first floor.
“Shit there’s a line. Mari has a bathroom upstairs, right?” Jackie turned to ask Shauna.
“Yeah, I think so, but I don’t think we should be up there Jax” Shauna said with her brow furrowed.
“It doesn't matter. We’re not gonna make a mess and we need it.” She said pulling her by the hand. They reached the upstairs bathroom and Jackie locked the door while Shauna steadied herself on the sink with her eyes closed. Jackie walked up to her rubbing her back gently trying to soothe her drunkenness.
“I’m fine, I just…My head” Shauna said trying to open her eyes and breathing. “Keeps spinning.”
“I know. Here let’s sit down, maybe it’ll help.” Jackie said helping Shauna sit on the floor in front of her.
“You’re high,” Shauna said rubbing her eyes.
“Well, uh, yeah. Nat offered me some weed so we smoked.”
“You don’t like weed.”
“I’m not minding it tonight. I feel good actually” Jackie said hugging her knees to her chest. She felt like air was sucked out of the bathroom as Shauna stared at her deeply. Jackie could only look at the floor or her hands to avoid looking back. When Shauna stared liked this Jackie felt naked. Like she could see her in ways nobody else could. I made her uncomfortable, but incredibly cared for in a weird way.
Shauna giggled. “You’re such a shitty liar.”
Jackie opened her mouth in playful shock and laughed “Am not. And I’m not lying. I feel very relaxed as a matter of fact.”
“Jax.” Shauna said lazily throwing her arms forward to hold Jackie’s wrists. “You’re clutching your knees for dear life.” She took Jackie’s wrists and pulled them apart as she inched forward opening her own legs so Jackie fit close to her. She let Jackie keep her knees upright, but placed her hands on the back of her neck while Shauna placed her hands on top of Jackie’s knees. “Let go a little. You’re always so…tense lately.”
Jackie felt like she couldn’t breathe. Shauna was so close to her she could count every eyelash, every freckle you couldn’t see at first glance. She looked at her soft pink lips and looked up again. Shit shit shit. She can’t do this. She needed whatever was going on to end.
“Shauna, I swear to god if you decide to throw up all over me, I’m gonna kill you” She said her voice coming out unintentionally as a whisper.
“I won’t” Shauna said smiling, matching her tone. “And if I did, I would let you kill me. I deserve that.” She said lightheartedly but it wasn’t enough to ease the tension.
“You know damn well I could never bring myself to” Jackie said sincerely. “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had.” She breathes feeling the need to catch her breath all of the sudden. “You know that right?”
“Yeah, I know.” Shauna says simply and studies Jackie’s face. There’s a quietness between them as the words linger in the air.
“I’m not that tense you know. I just…” Jackie can feel her hands start to tremble behind Shauna’s neck. “I have a lot of mind this year. With Rutgers, the team, Jeff…“
“Do you, uh” Shauna says suddenly, the switch in her tone startling them both. “Do you love…Jeff?”
Jackie stares shocked, caught off guard by the question. “Um, I don’t know actually. I hadn’t, uh really thought about it. I-I think I could.”
“Then you don’t”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Jackie’s brows furrowed together, annoyed at Shauna’s reasoning.
“What I mean is, that…” Shauna said trying to be mindful of Jackie’s feelings. “I just think that when you love someone you just know.” Shauna explained gazing into Jackie’s eyes feeling her annoyance dissipate. “There isn’t anything to think about. I think it's supposed to feel very clear. At least I would want someone to love me like that. Someone who doesn’t have to decide if they want to love me or not.” Shauna added, the air getting heavier with each word. “They just do.”
“Do you love me?” Jackie asked without thinking. The words flew out of her mouth before she could hold them back.
“Jax” Shauna scoffed diverting her gaze. “Please.” She continued dismissing the question, but Jackie kept Shauna in her line of sight waiting for an answer. “Do you?” Shauna asked matching her stare.
“Nuh uh. I asked first.” Jackie shook her head angry at how Shauna always avoided these things.
“Not fair. You know I do.” She looks down at Jackie’s lips and swallows hard looking back up. Jackie suddenly feels hyperaware of her face and her expression. She accidentally looks down at Shauna’s lips mirroring her actions.
“You don’t think…I do?” Jackie asks hurt by the mere thought of Shauna not knowing how much Jackie loves her. How could she not know?
“You never say it. Tell me one time you’ve said it.” Shauna’s words begged Jackie to come closer and show it.
“Shauna come on; I say it all the time,” Jackie said feeling her heartbeat in her ears and feeling her neck get hot.
“You say “me too”, you say “what would I do without you”, you say “you’re the best person I know”, Shauna said growing more annoyed with the conversation. “But you don’t say it.”
“Shauna all those things mean it, what does it matter if I say it” Jackie scoffed matching her annoyance.
Shauna untangles herself from Jackie angrily and gets up.
“Shauna you're not seriously mad about this,” Jackie said getting up.
“I can’t believe you right now,” Shauna said chuckling sarcastically.
“Shauna you’re overreacting,” Jackie said getting angrier.
“Okay fine. I am.” Shauna replied getting closer to Jackie’s frame. “So if it's such a small thing. If it's not a big deal, then go ahead. Say it. And I won’t ask about it again.” Shauna said seriously.
They stood there in silence, both studying each other. Before Jackie can register what’s happening, she closes the gap between them with her mouth pulling Shauna in with her hands behind her neck.
Jackie feels stars behind her eyes and a dizzying feeling take over her head as their lips move slowly and in sync. It’s the softest kiss she’s ever had. It’s the best kiss she’s ever had. The feeling of Shauna’s lips against hers feels so right, so perfect, that it makes her eyes water with overwhelming emotion. She can’t do this right now. She pulls away after a minute breaking away from Shauna, feeling lightheaded and holding her head in her hands.
“I’m sorry. I just got really dizzy- “
“No, I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened-”
“No no it’s fine- “
“It’s fine. I’m just really drunk.”
“I’m really high.”
“I’m sorry,” they said at the same time.
Jackie looked at Shauna wanting to clash her lips against her own again. “Uh, are you good? Like are you feeling better?” She asked softly.
“Uh, yeah. I think so. I think we should go back to the party, though.” Shauna said cautiously as they both dismissed what just happened.
“Uh yeah, yeah, you’re right” She replied combing a hand through her honey hair. “You can’t drive by the way. So I think Jeff should give us a ride home” She said.
“Isn’t Jeff like, just as drunk?”
“No, he only drinks beer and is probably taking care of Randy. So, I think he’s too busy to be as drunk as you are right now.” Jackie said unlocking the door.
“Fair point”.
After the party ended, Jeff dropped Jackie and Randy off. That was the first night Shauna had sex with Jeff.