Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

My first day on the job is as exciting as it is stressful. But man, I just wanted to head to bed, why the hell do we need these journals anyways? Like sure, I get it, checkin in on us and all. At least I'm the one who keeps the files at the end of the day.

Took the initiative to read up on the mercs' files so I know who I'll be dealin with, and let's say they're. uh. Pretty fucked. That Pauling lady gave me a sorry look after the Administrator briefed me. Pauling seems sweet but it's hard to really like her when she's tellin ya about what your company's gonna do to you if you break the confidentiality or whatever they said.

But hey, beats livin off scraps. Got paid a pretty penny upfront and I'll be gettin even more soon. If this kind of luxury means I have to keep a secret or two or a thousand, then I will. And where else am I gonna get an excuse to dig around peoples' personal files and sling around some guns?

Pretty sure the therapist doesn't give a genuine shit about us, so I'll go ahead and write what I want. I can burn the paper if my writings get me in trouble.

So first of all, FUCK YOU SOLDIER. You should learn something called shutting the fuck up. Ha. Gottem. Actually, is it ableist for me to say that? I'm pretty sure that town he's from had lead poisoning in the waters, and full offense to him but it shows. Thought I could've confided in him or something as one trans person to another but I wouldn't be surprised if I end up finding a lobotomy report or however those work.

Speaking of chatterboxes there's Scout. From his files, he's a pretty ordinary guy. Unfortunately having an absent father is ordinary at this point. Dude screams "neglected child", like seriously, you don't just grow up with 69 quintillion older brothers and end up okay, unless if they somehow really like you or something. He acts cocky but I reckon if we had a heart-to-heart, he might turn out to be genuine. Who knows.

Someone who caught my attention in the files was the Engineer. Dude's nice but honestly scares me, who the fuck needs 11 PHDs unless y OHHH HE'S PROBABLY AUTISTIC that makes more sense. Guy's probably carrying the knowledge of the world on his shoulders, no way he's as normal as he seems. Also apparently his goggles are prescription? His files also included a fuckin catalog of all the things he's built, it's almost like he was advertising to me. Seriously he could've just started a business of his own, why'd he have to come here? Not that I'm complaining. I was here for a day and got to try his cooking, that shit reminds me of home even though I've never eaten those things in my life. I don't know how Medic didn't like it.

Oh speakin of Medic, dude's a sweetheart. Scares me, but maybe he's just misunderstood. Has that wicked look on his face sometimes, but maybe that's just his weird version of a resting bitch face. Literally my first day on the job and I got injured, but he patched me right back up. He also seems like, weirdly built for a medic? But that just makes him seem all the more reliable. Either got a fucked up backstory or he's just like that.

Since I'm talking abt the mercs, might as well continue. I kinda like Demo, sure he's loud but he saw me like 5 times today and asked how I was doing each time. Hoping that's cause of his personality and not the alcohol. He's quite impressive the way he hasn't outright died of alcohol poisoning. The records even say you can't take it away from him, which actually has a horrifying implication now that I think about it. What, does he die or something if he doesn't drink? I don't want an answer to that. From his history though he seems pretty normal? Maybe I'll try and get to know him a little better.

Oh next I wanna talk about Pyro. I can't understand a thing that guy says, but their documents are pretty interesting. Well, interesting in a sad way. It's hard to believe they're so happy go-lucky after all of that, I really wanna give that guy a hug but at the same time they scare me, so guess I'll wait to know em a bit better. I just hope they don't turn on me for being scared of getting burnt. Does that count as me demonizing them? Whatever.

Speaking of people with lore, Spy's got a lot going on it seems. It's honestly really fuckin funny how they keep those pictures of Scout's mom in his files. Like, what does that have to do at all with his job ? Anyways, he seems like kind of an asshole compared to his documents. Then again, I've never had to leave my family behind so guess I can't empathize. Wish I could show him some kindness but not only is he hardly ever around, but he smokes fuckin everywhere, have you considered some of us don't like the smell of lung cancer?

Speaking of health issues, Sniper's another case. I could talk about the fact Medic practically resurrected him or the various bodies he's probably got buried under his old home, but I'm so much more amused by the fact he changed his name to Mick Mundy from Mun-Dee Mundy. Can you imagine being his partner and having to moan "Mundy" when having sex with him? I'd honestly rather die. He's either an edgelord who's secretly a huge softie, or just has autism or something. They say he's not seen around a lot but I'm determined to meet the guy.

But my all-time favourite? Heavy. Literally the definition of a big softie. Somehow makes me feel so at home. Makes sense considering his family, with how he treats his sisters I really would've thought he was their dad. Bet he's warm during the winter too. Maybe I'll give him something nice as a peace offering, like a scarf he can give to his gun or something. I dunno I feel like I'm judging him saying that but apparently that's something he actually really appreciates.

Right, it's getting late. I'm gonna have to be up at shitfuck o'clock, but it was surprisingly fun talking about the mercs. Maybe this whole journal thing isn't so bad after all. Goodnight.

Chapter Text

The new recruit has the same blood type as me, how very exciting! I am glad I am no longer the only person on base with this blood type, not that it makes much of a difference. Speaking of the new recruit, I want to ask for permission to sample his stem cells. We are not necessarily in need of a stem cell pool, but if anything were to happen to him, I would feel responsible. Of course, that is because I am his medic, and nothing more.

I do not mean to baby him, but he does bring me a few concerns, namely that I can tell very easily when he is hiding something. If he has such an obvious giveaway, he can easily be taken advantage of - not that I think anyone on base particularly would, except for someone perceptive like Spy. However, this does make for the possibility of interesting interactions where I can pry information out of him. I wonder if I could do so without him knowing. Ha! And here I thought I was the Medic, not the Detective!

Oh, I am also pleased to have guessed something correctly! It was not science-based, I was merely following the pattern regarding the other mercenaries, but I assumed that the new recruit would not be cisgender. I wonder whether or not it is a coincidence that many transgender men are attracted to working at Mann. Co.. I of course do not mean to sound rude in saying this, in fact, I have always wanted to dabble in surgeries or implantations regarding secondary sex characteristics. So far, nobody would allow me to, so I have taken to performing such surgeries on myself. It has not drastically improved my quality of life, but I feel as though it can for those who want it.

How embarrassing of me to have talked purely about the new recruit in this entry! I do also wish to share my recent study. I have taken to trying to identify the mechanism of our Demoman's inner chemistry - it has always confused me how he could function so well without many vital nutrients. I opted to start by testing his body's natural flora and comparing it with a controlled sample. I isolated a sample of salivary bacteria I had identified in my last check up with him, and it has not multiplied as rapidly as the control when placed in a nutrient broth meant to mimic the condition of human saliva. This is in line with my speculation regarding his altered body chemistry.

It truly seemed impossible to me for him to still be alive despite his alcoholism, yet he functions quite well if you exclude his inability to act like a human at times. Then again, I once thought the idea of "beams of healing" was a wild dream until I stumbled upon it. Such is the beauty of experimental medicine.

Enough of that, I simply cannot get the new recruit out of my mind. I hope to earn his trust, and it seems I already have some. He does not seem repulsed by me, and treats me quite fairly compared to the dismissive treatment I often get. I have discussed this with Misha as well, and he agrees that the new recruit seems rather soft. It is good that he stays on base, but I feel as though it would serve him well to get some combat practice. The last thing I would want is the new guinea pig getting hurt.

Ha! Joking. I am not his father to keep an eye on him.

In any case, I hope to continue my research regarding Demoman's ability to live on a nutrient deficit.

Next appointment 12/10/19XX

Chapter Text

Today █ ████ ██ ███ Engie❗️❤️👷

██ ██████ mad😡😡😱❓️

I ██████ ██ ███ ██ help ☺️👋

He ███ ███ ██ ███ ███ recruit👨😥❗️

█ ██████ why❓️❓️

I think he's nice🌸💖

He let me ████ ███ crispy ████ ██ ███ ███ ██████ dinner🍳😋👨❗️

I want ██ ask ███ ██ ██ █████ ██ ██ ██ friend👨🤝🔥✨️

██ ███ █████ ████ together ███ learn █████ each other👨💖🔥😃

█ hope ██ ███████████ ASL👨👋💭

Or maybe ██ ███ █████ ████ with Engie, or █ ███ write █████👷👨🔥✍️✨️❗️

█████ █ ███ write █ card ███ ███👨💭❓️

He ██████ smiles ████ ██ ████ hello😄👨💖✨️

He ██████ █ ███ ██ ████ on base, █ ██████ what ███ job ██👨🪡🧨🔧🛠⚙️❓️❓️

█ want ███ ██ meet Balloonicorn👨🤝🦄💖❗️

██ ███ █████ he wants ██ ██ ██ friend ███👨💭❓️

Engie ██████ ████ ██ why ██ ███ mad at him👷😡👨❓️❓️

Maybe he broke one of Engie's things.🔧🧨❓️👷😡👨

█ did ████ ██ accident before, ███ he ██████ forgives ██☺️💖👨🤝👷

Today was very fun❗️

Scout █████ ████ with me ████ ██ ████ ████ ██ ███ base🔥💖🏃

██ ████ ███████ together. He let me keep his drawings.🏃💖🖍❗️

█ █████ ████ ████ ███████❗️✨️

He is so good at drawing.

Maybe Scout ███ ███ ███ recruit ███ ██████ friends ███🏃🤝👨❓️☺️

███ █████ ███ family ██ ██👨🤝🔥🤝👷🤝🏃🤝💣🤝🇺🇸🤝🦄🤝🥪🤝💊🤝🕵🤝🤠

I hope Engie doesn't stay mad at him.💭👨👷✨️

Next appointment 14/10/19XX

Chapter Text

A cold wave's come around, for fucks sake it's only October. Heavy's been real sweet about it though, even let me borrow his old coat. I've had it for the past few days, he didn't ask for it back. Surely he's gonna want it back soon, ain't he?

Y'know, Heavy ain't too bad of a guy, but you sure ain't catchin me getting lunch with him. Nothing against him, it'd just feel forced. I ought to return the coat but it's just so damn cozy that I really don't want to. Hope he don't mind me keepin it for a few more days. Prolly don't need it if it don't fit him anymore anyway.

I hear Bugga singin away outside, hope she likes that I left some meat out for her this time. She's been shiverin lately, so I left a scarf on the window for her as a lil prezzy and she seems to like it. Days been gettin shorter so hopefully I don't have to worry about being late to feed Bugga. Hate when the sched changes but Bugga don't seem bothered so far. Cute little gal, wish I could give her more attention.

Considered askin the doc for a bit of bird help, pretty sure I've seen his little dove. Archimedes, was it? But he's also not one for secrecy, last thing I need is people comin and harassing Bugga. It'd be a drive to go out and get more bird seed, but I'd rather that than leave the camper again after a whole day out.

Speakin of the doc, earlier I had to pay him a visit. Nothin really happened, I was just careless with the kukri. Almost didn't go but the bleedin wouldn't stop, had no choice. Saw Demoman spittin in a cup there, didn't even ask. The doc said the new recruit's been eyeing me and insisted he ain't out to get me or nothin.

Hey, if the new bloke's lookin for a friend, I ain't gonna stop him from approachin me, but I'll sure as hell say no if he tries to get me to hang out with those noisy fuckers. Hope he ain't one of em, we don't need extra noise on base.

Heard he's got access to those storage closets. He's someone I could threaten information out of if I need it. Maybe I'll approach him one of these days.

Havin to journal ain't actually half bad, it's nice to get my thoughts out. Even if the therapist ended up sharing my information, I could always sue them, so I ain't too bothered.

Hope the heater doesn't break again like how it did last year.

Next appointment 16/10/19XX

Chapter Text

Right, guess it's about time I give this journalin thing a shot. Ain't haven’t done somethin like this in ages.

Been workin on a growth ray, and I honestly ain't got a clue whether this research is gonna get me anywhere or not. The method I'm goin for works for livin tissue, so I'm fixin to work in conjunction with the doc to try and make some supersized mercs. Can't let anyone know yet or it'd cause a huge ruckuss, I totally see one of em usin it to try and grow their little penis.

Since I'm writin I'll go ahead and vent some frustrations. Soldier keeps breakin my darn teleporters, and a few days ago I had the new recruit come in and mess with my stuff. I know he ain't a bad kid, but I just couldn't take it that day and gave him a tongue lashin. Sure ain't fair of me to have done that to the poor kid, I feel like I oughta make it up to him somehow. Pyro did give a few ideas, so maybe I'll invite him for lunch.

I've also been talkin to Spy a lot more, he keeps takin smoke breaks at the same time I do, almost like he's tryna catch me in my downtime. That man ain't half the coward he makes himself out to be, so I ain't gonna whine. Said he hates how soft the new kid is. I can't lie, I ain't haven't seen him in action, but I'd be darned if Mann. Co. decided to hire some guy who can't defend himself. I'm sure he's got some sorta trick up his sleeve.

I'll share somethin else about Spy, and its that he's a hoot, always makin my breaks a little brighter. Why I oughta write some jokes of my own and give him a taste of his own medicine. And say, it feels like him and I are like partners, what with how he done keeps knockin sappers off my sentries each time he passes by. Maybe I'll do him somethin nice on the field in return.

Nearly forgot to write about my growth ray. The concept takes after expansion microscopy, but I ain't talkin small few inches of growth, oh no. I'm aimin for a growth maybe 1.5 times the size of the original - can't aim too high, the square cube law's a bitch. As of now, the idea goes like this:

First, I'll prepare a swellable polymer which functions as a matrix, and also an achorin agent to fix the subject within the polymer. For ethical reasons, I reckon I'll have to discuss anasthetics with the doc. Then I'll submerge the subject completely in water for them to expand.

If all goes well, we'll have some supersized mercs on the way! O course, there's no way to undo the growth, and it'll be darn painful. Maybe the doc can use his medigun after the expansion to stop the tissue damage from killin the subject.

I'm still tinkerin with the idea, so I'll write more once I've got some progress in. If no one opts to volunteer as the subject, I'd be darn glad to. And hey, if anythin goes wrong, we've always got the trusty ol respawn.

Next appointment 18/10/19XX

Chapter Text

Hello to my journal and my journal alone, this is where I will write my TOP SECRET AMERICAN business. No commies or hippes or tom jones will EVER be allowed to snoop! And I refuse to capitalize toms wretched name!

I will now conduct my routine reflection of each mercenary.

Scout needs to fight more and run less! He is too scrawny, he is too weak! Fast legs will not serve the American people, they are only good for running away. If he is truly not a coward, he will learn to fight. I have taken to running training drills, and he will join whether he likes it or not. We simply cannot allow weak men onto the field.

The new recruit does not fight with us, but I must test him to make sure he knows how! I will make him join these drills, or else he will not be able to serve the American people well. A true military man cannot only be good at sorting papers and managing weapons, he must be able to fare in a fight! I will target that cupcake to ensure he does not become weaker than he already is.

I also do not see Sniper on base, but I do see his handiwork on the field. He is tough, but I plan to make him join my my drills as well.

I have seen Spy and Engie working together as of late, and I am proud of my mens camaraderie. If only my other men would work together as well as they do, perhaps I should create ice breaking sessions for them. Once all the ice is destroyed, they will work together to dispose of it.

It is true that the Medic and Heavy work well, but I am quite certain that they are FRATERNIZING. I CANNOT allow my men to put their personal lives at a higher priority than war.

I have spotted our Demoman in Medic's lab more often.. I do not think there is anything wrong with our Demoman's health, but it is good he is getting checked! In fact, our men should definitely enforce mandatory health screenings! I will bring this up with our Medic ASAP.

I have seen Pyro interacting more with the new cupcake. It is very good that they are trying to connect with him, we must ensure he feels at home in our ranks. Hopefully when he sees how hard the mercenaries are working, he will become motivated to work hard as well. Good on Pyro!

However, now that I mention it, I have not seen the recruit and Spy in the same room, EVER.. I think this may be a ploy.. I must keep an eye on the situation and ensure we do not have any mischief on our hands.

Lastly, to reflect on my progress. I have found difficulty maintaining my composure among the recent cold. I make sure to keep an outwardly strong appearance to ensure morale among my men, but I am not currently at my best. However I cannot rely on that commie for coats, I will brave through the weather myself.

It is getting late and time for me to sleep. Goodbye journal.

Next appointment 20/10/19XX

Chapter Text

I cannot believe Mann. Co. has stooped so low as to pry information out of us through these journals. It is a liability and a violation of our privacy, and I do not need a therapist to discuss my woes to.

However, seeing as I do not have a choice, I will simply fill this entry with anything that comes to mind in order to fulfill the word quota.

I have recently received my new shipment of wine, and I did not intend to drink it so soon, yet here I am. I could not handle the insanity brought upon by the other mercenaries, and to be frank, I am even embarrassed to say that I am one of them.

I have been staring at this paper in a futile attempt to figure out what I could possibly write. It is during times like this where I wish I had the mind of Scout. That, of course, was a jest. I cannot imagine having his mind nor do I wish to subject myself to the thought of it.

No matter. I was instructed to write thoughts, so I will.

I have recently considered informing the other mercenaries regarding my gender identity, as I feel as though being referred to purely as male is very restricting. Of course, this is not a new development, but I have chosen to keep this information to myself up until this point. It is not that I believe the mercenaries will look down on me for my identity, but rather, I fear they already know too much about me. The only person in our ranks who I feel is able to keep a secret would be our Engineer.

I have been spending more time with him, and I must admit that it is enjoyable to have a friend who listens to the things that I say. I feel that it is in my best interest to inform him regarding my pronouns, but I will implore him to keep this secret.

The last time I talked with Engineer, we discussed the new recruit. That boy seems smart and perceptive. However, he is an open book. I worry the enemy Spy will take advantage of his frail stature and friendly disposition. I would also like to point out that it is as though that boy is avoiding me. He simply cannot be in the same room as me, and Soldier has not been at all subtle with his suspicion of us.

I have tried to inform him that, no, you bumbling buffoon, I am not pretending to be the new recruit. But that Soldier does not like to bend. Engineer has also confided in me regarding his dislike of Soldier, and I do not mean to sound as though I am sharing gossip, as that would be extremely embarrassing for someone of my position. Having said this, I truly do wonder if there is a single person on this base who genuinely appreciates Soldier's presence apart from Soldier himself. I would not be surprised if even his mother did not love him, but it of course would be too cruel even for me to say such a thing to his face.

Moreover, I have also been attempting to suggest Scout off of those unhealthy sugar-filled snacks and beverages. In truth, I do care about that boy's health, but it is difficult to do much as I am not his caretaker. I do hope somebody steps up to the job before he succumbs to self-imposed heart problems.

There. I believe I have reached the minimum word count. Once the therapist takes my journal, I intend to take it back and burn the pages. Nobody will know what I have written except for me.

Next appointment 22/10/19XX

Chapter Text

New recruit's a real good lad I'll tell ye that! He listens tae ma rambles, even adding his own stories. I might just give him a real big smooch one of these days. We've been having dinner together, and even though that lad dinnae drink, he's still good company. Keeps me in check sometimes, he do.

He told me aboot his worries in his social life here, I told him he's doing good. Laddie said he's scared we're gonna judge him, so I told him that we should be mair afraid of him judging us! Not tae sound like I want pity, but he and Soldier are the only lads giving me the time of day here.

Gonna write this to remind maself I have another appointment with our Medic tomorrow, he's trying tae do experiments on me. He explained it tae me and I like the idea and I dunnae why it's so important, but if that bastart thinks it could make some progress in his research then I'm happy tae let him. Anno wit it's like tae not have the parts ya need for ya project.

Ya ken wha else has been giving me company? Soldier. A great lad, he is. The recruit told me he's annoyed at Soldier, but I just dinnae get it. He's a genuine guy, not always on the same page as everyone else but he does try. Lad always checks in on me, isnae nice aboot it sometimes but I'm glad I have someone wha cares enough tae reach oot.

Soldier said he wants tae break some ice with us, and I'm all for it. Mibbe I'll bring ma extra special scrumpy just for this and share it with the rest of the lads, and the new lad can have.. apple juice or something I dunnae wit he likes.

I got a letter from ma maw but I havnae gotten back tae her even though I want tae. It's just that when I sit try and tae write back, I cannae figure oot wit tae say. I've been working on ma stickies and bombs but I havnae had the motivation tae do much mair apart from drink, eat, shite, and sleep. So I'm grateful to Soldier for checking in, even if he dinnae ken what I'm going through.

Here's something else, I keep seeing a crow flying around Sniper's van, good ta know that lad isnae lonely. He hasnae been subtle in sneaking back extra food tae his camper, I even saw him run aff with Scout's share of the steak. I think it's really sweet of him tae care for his crow but he should at least give us a chance.

Ach, I hear Soldier making the rounds tae tell us its our curfew. Anno the others hate it but it keeps me in line. I dinnae lose much sleep anymore because of him. I'm aff tae bed now.

Next appointment 24/10/19XX

Chapter Text

This is interesting assignment and I am happy to do it. It gives a good opportunity to practice English.

I did not write a journal in long time. Forgive me if I write weirdly.

The new recruit gave me a present of a new pen. It is fancy pen with smooth tip, so it is very comfortable to use for writing. I did not tell him that I like to write, so I think the Doctor told him. I appreciate this gift very much. I did not know the new recruit likes me, but then he gave me the pen. I will try to make him feel at home.

Doctor tells me he has worry that the new recruit is weak. I also think so. He does not fight as mercenary, but I think is important for him to defend himself. Doctor says so too, but will not "meddle". Maybe I teach the new recruit how to use big gun. The new recruit is small man, but small men can also use big gun. He has little gun, but he does not use it.

Soldier spoke to me about Doctor. It is true that I like to talk to Doctor, and I appreciate his work. But I do not think it is the business of Soldier to know my personal friendship with Doctor. I will tell Soldier to stay in his own business.

I am looking forward to the time when it is my turn to cook, I want to cook borscht. I want to show mercenaries a flavour from my homeland, and I miss it also. I will drive to town to buy ingredients, and I want to go with somebody. Maybe I bring Doctor or the new recruit.

Recently I read literature by Leonid Andreyev. I wish another mercenary knows Russian so I can share with them his work. Maybe I will try to read English literature. The new recruit seems to have background education, so I will ask what he has studied. If he has interest in English literature, we can read and share together the opinions of ours.

Next appointment 26/10/19XX

Chapter Text

Writin a diary is part of my job now? What do I look like, a pretty pink princess girl? Like come on, I got better stuff to be doin, like battin in bad guys skulls or somethin.

Ok I don't think anyone's gonna read past the first part. And if ya do, I'll find ya. Dont think I dunno who you are.

Gone? Good.

I actually really like writin this kinda shit, but you ain't seein me tell anyone bout that. Nobody freakin listens except for mumbles and that new guy, he's real nice actually, I tried invitin him to go battin with me but he thinks hes too good for me.

Nah Im kiddin, dudes busy. Always got his lil papers to sort and boxes to move and guns to clean or whatever like dontcha get bored? He's like Ms Pauling cause hes always got somethin to do and not enough time for themselves, and hes also like Ms Pauling cause they both love me yea thats right

Right but I aint no asshole, I see a guy stressin I try and help, so I told him, hey, you got your job ill come sit with ya we can talk, but he said no cause he likes the quiet but he did say Im fun to talk to. Like yea yeah i get it ive been told im a handful dont need to tell me twice, just a lot to handle cause of how cool i am yknow?

Oh and mumbles listens to me too but I cant understand em for shit but I still really appreciate them, but its like how am i supposed to have a heart to heart with this guy who i cant even understand. There good company though so i aint lonely and they really like my drawings so much to the point they wanted to keep em, dont tell em i said this but it actually means a lot to me that someone actually likes the stuff i make. Nobody freakin tells me that but me and my Ma and sometimes Danny and Barley so it makes me happy mumbles says it too, ya think the new guyd wanna see em too? Of course he would.

Speakin of my Ma I got a letter from her and in it was a picture of me and the family, I actually freakin hate Adam Im never gonna forgive him for gettin rid of my shit without askin and always actin like hes smarter than the rest of us. My bros are assholes but their my family I hope there doin ok but your never hearing me say that to them or theyll rub it in my face and be like ooh if you really love me then buy me this or buy me that like a fuckin asshole, except for Danny hes annoying but I wont forget when I was so close to losin that one game and then he cheered for me so loud and busted his freakin throat but I ended up winnin. Gonna put this pic on my wall or somethin but I'll just keep it on my table for now.

Theres also somethin else on my table its a drawing mumbles did of me and them and the new guy, its real cute actually i think they want us to be a friend group or somethin. I mean like no yeah id love that we should totally all three go out get lunch or like yknow have a game night or somethin, no losers invited just three cool dudes chillin yknow. Maybe if the new guy draws we can all do a competition or somethin, obviously Id win but I do really wanna see how he does it if he does.

OH ALSO IM COLD AS SHIT shiverin all the time is so annoyin I saw snipes lucky ass got a coat from heavy and so did medic, what are they suckin his dick or somethin? I mean like I got my jacket and thats about it cause fuckin Chris ran off with my actual big warm cozy jackets BUT ITS NOT EVEN WINTER WHYS IT SO COLD??

OH ALSO ALSO I FUCKIN HATE SPY he wont freakin leave me alone its like hes obsessed with me, I turn the corner I hear oooh Scout you suck ooh Scout dont do this dont do that what are you my dad fuck off. Id hate havin a dad like that he just insults me and tells me what to do so I keep insultin him telling him to fuck off like HA taste your own medicine or something LOSER bet you dont even have a girlfriend. not that I do but Ive seen the way Ms Paulings been lookin at me lately so like Im farther ahead than spy and his fancy fuckin wine and dollar store cigarettes.

but hey i dont wanna leave this on a bad note, i feel like ive been runnin a lot faster lately like my trainins payin off like hell yeah i might just run a few laps make pyro and the new guy watch and theyll think im so cool and ill have some more fans. i mean theyre already fans of me. theyll be even bigger fans. take that spy.

See ya journal. Feel kinda stupid sayin bye to a piece of paper but uh shut up let me have this

Next appointment 28/10/19XX

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My therapist told me I was insane. Ha! As if I did not already know that. I do not think these sessions will prove useful at all, but I do enjoy writing these entries.

Today was a very good day, I went to town with Misha and the recruit to buy ingredients. Misha cooked borscht tonight, and it was so delicious, I might just ask him to teach me how to make it!

He told me a few days ago about wanting to spend quality time with me and the recruit, and I was all for it. In fact, I had been looking for an excuse to get out and spend time with either of them, so this was the perfect opportunity. I was also very flattered that Misha wanted to spend time with me so badly, so I made sure to complete as much work as possible so I could go out with him! And the recruit, of course.

Misha drove us to town. We had a lot of small talk during the drive, but the recruit seemed somewhat nervous. I pointed this out to him, and he admitted to me that his nervousness was because he wanted to make a good impression on the both of us. How very sweet!

When we were at the store, I saw some candies I had not eaten in a very long time, so I bought them. I offered some to Misha and the recruit. The recruit seemed so excited and thankful to me over simple candies! Misha and I both agreed that his reaction was very cute. It must be very rewarding to be pleased by simple things, in truth I am a little jealous!

Oh, and get this. At one one point, Misha and I could not find the recruit, and we felt like parents who had lost their child, ha! It turned out he had found a stray dog and wanted to pet it. I believe he said he was giving it scratches. Misha is so very adorable, he walked over to the dog, bent down, and let it sniff him. He pet it so well that it got comfortable and flopped onto its back. Misha just has a way with animals, it seems! Even Archimedes grew fond of him quickly.

Oh, back to my story, that was not the only time we lost the recruit! I will be honest, with how easy it is for him to wander off unnoticed, I am really starting to think we must teach him more on self defense.

Apparently, he was only given minimal gun training before being accepted into this job. In this line of work, that is a death sentence! He does not fight in battle with us, so I did not input his genetic information into the respawn machine. However, being on base does not exclude the possibility of being confronted by an enemy Spy. I do not know what I would do with myself if I let a man under my care die, so I must continue to look out for him.

Misha told me he wanted to teach the recruit to use a bulkier weapon, but I do not think that is necessary. Whether or not he can carry heavy weapons will not directly translate into proficiency in combat.

So Misha offered to give him lessons about self-defense, and the recruit seemed excited about it! I am very glad that he is eager to learn. However, I had no choice but to leave this task to Misha, as today was one of the only days where I had extra downtime.

Misha has been happier lately, I noticed. I asked him if anything nice happened recently, and he said the recruit gave him a high quality pen. I knew that was good advice, and now I am wondering, why didn't I just give him one myself? Ha! I am joking, I am just happy that Misha is happy, and now I am a little jealous that I do not have a good quality pen too!

The dinner Misha cooked was very delicious, and if I am to assume, the other mercenaries enjoyed it too. I was annoyed when I saw Sniper try to leave without taking anything. I understand if he was afraid to try new food, as I also become nervous when trying something new. However, Misha put a lot of effort into not only choosing quality ingredients but also cooking, so I told Sniper he could not leave until he tasted it. I was very pleased when he stayed and took not only seconds, but thirds!

Since I am talking about Misha, I will go ahead and show my gratitude for him. He is so capable, it is as if he can do anything. Not only that, but he can cook well, he is very intelligent, he is very caring, he tries to drag me away from my work if I am getting carried away.. He is an essential part of our team, and there are very many reasons to love him. Oh! I did not mean to write "love", I meant "like"! Silly me. I suppose I am getting very comfortable with him, especially after Misha allowed me to refer to him by his nickname. I could just say it over and over, Misha, Misha, Misha.. Oh, I feel like a little school girl saying the name of her crush over and over.

Ha! Just joking.

Misha set the bar very high for the next time I have to cook, maybe I will cook something from my home country.. But knowing me, I would just cook something simple and easy with what we have in the kitchen. Cooking was never one of my talents, but I think I could cook Eintopf with what we have. I do not think I have the time to make something so fancy like how Misha did today, but if I could, I would prefer to bake.

Oh, note to self, maybe I can tell Misha to call me by my name as well. It is only fair, is it not?

I have been asked how I am able to work so much without having my wrist cramp. The truthful answer is that it does cramp, but I work through it. My wrist has been cramping for the past few minutes, but I wanted to write about my day. I will end my entry here.

Next appointment 31/10/19XX

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Chapter Text

█████ ███████.. 👋

█████ █ ███ ███ therapist..😥

████ weren't nice ██ ██, ██ █ █████ ████ ██ ████ █████ ██👎👎😥

But █ ██ ████ █████████ ████ ██ write❗️✨️

I think Engie likes Spy.. ██ ████ ████ █ ██████❗️👷❤️🕵

█████ ████ ███████, ████ █ secret🤫🤫

Engie smiles █ ███ ██ ██ ███ ███████. ███ he smiles ███ most ████ ██ ████ ██ Spy👷💭🕵❤️❗️

I'm happy for Engie❗️👷💖🔥

█ ████ ██ help ████ ██ ██ █ date👷❤️🕵❗️

Maybe I ███ set up █████████🍽🍻❓️

I can write █ ██████ ███ Spy ███ ████ ██ ████ ████ ████ from Engie📝👷

███ then █████ █ ██████ ███ Engie ███ ████ ██ ████ ████ ████ from Spy📝🕵

And tell ████ ██ ████ ██ █ ████████ location ███ █████ date!🌌🌠💕💕

Then they'll fall in love💕❗️❗️

I ████ █████ ████ ██ help Engie🔥💖👷

He ██████ helps ██, so █ ████ ██ help ███ too❗️🔥

And also, █████ Soldier ██████ ██ play ████ me and Balloonicorn🔥🇺🇸🦄

He let me play with his rocket🚀🇺🇸🔥❗️

Balloonicorn ███ ███ scared ██ ███ ██ ███ ███ ██████, ██ █ ████ ██ ████ it was ok🦄❌️🚀

I had a lot of fun today🔥🦄👷🕵🇺🇸

I ████ drew ████ ████████❗️

███ ███ ██ ███ top ██ Spy ███ Engie, ███████ ██ ████👷❤️🕵✨️

███ ███ ██ ███ bottom ██ me, Balloonicorn, ███ Soldier. ███ ████████ ███ ██████🇺🇸🦄🔥🚀🚀

I love to draw🖍❗️

Next appointment 5/11/19XX

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Today was a long day man. Started with Ms Pauling surprisin me with more work and ended with me sleepin on the couch with Demoman. Honestly? I'd totally cuddle him again, he was so cozy the fuck?

Ok what happened was by the end of the day, I was pissed off and fuckin exhausted so I conked out on the common room couch. Next thing I knew I had a weighted blanket aka a grown man, he was holdin me and mumblin something. Usually I would've kicked him off me or somethin, I didn't want that alcohol smell i my face, but I didn't cause the pressure was so calming?? Genuinely I fell right back asleep, man I know I'm touch starved but didn't think I was that touch starved.

I remember wakin up again later cause I heard a thud which I'm pretty sure was Demo falling off the couch. He apologized like a bitch for fallin asleep on me but I told him it was fine, I told him I actually really liked it. When he walked off he said he'd give me hugs more and I told him I was down, so I'm actually really lookin forward to that. Finally gettin a break y'know?

Man, I think I'll sleep well tonight.

Another good thing that happened, I had lunch with Engineer, he told me I could just call him Engie so I did. We were plannin lunch for a while but we only ended up doin that today cause we were both so busy, dude's really nice actually. He said the lunch was to properly say sorry for gettin mad at me, but he apologized so long ago so it just felt like we were gettin lunch as friends.

I didn't mean to but I was annoyed at the time, so I was complainin to him about all the paperwork I have to go through, and he laughed and said I sounded like Medic. So I was like "hey can ya tell me more about him?", and he said some pretty flatterin things. I told him I was kinds nervous around Medic cause even though he seems nice, he also says really weird shit sometimes?? Dude reassured me that Medic's just like that. Just a silly goofy guy I guess.

I also told Engie about Ms Pauling, she came up to me this morning to give me more stuff to work through, but she seemed really sorry about it. I honestly got nothin on her cause so far I haven't found any papers about her, so I asked Engie, and he said she's real nice. She's chatty apparently and a workaholic, she seems sweet and I think I wanna ask her sometime if she wants to hang out. Specifically "sometime" cause I don't know if I'm ready to meet someone else right now especially with how much is already going on.

Engie also told me that Pyro really likes me cause I keep sharin my food with them. That's really cute actually, it's like, the reason a puppy would have for likin someone. Scout's told me good things about Pyro too. I told Engie that, hey, maybe I'll ask em if they're a hugger and give em a big hug, but then I realised I still don't know how to communicate with Pyro apart from notes and vague gestures. Even then I have a pretty hard time reading their writing.

OH PYRO'S WRITING I COMPLETELY FORGOT! I read their entry today! Or, I tried, honestly I couldn't understand like more than half of it. But from what I did get, it's sweet! I love all the little pictures they drew in their journal, and maybe I'll ask them to teach me some ASL, been meaning to learn that but couldn't find the time. Still kinda don't have the time but whatever it's the thought that counts.

Actually it's really sweet how much Pyro and Engie seem to care about each other. They both seem like real nice people, I hope I can get to know them more. Also, makes my day to know that Pyro likes when I smile at them, I try and make it an effort to do that so I'm glad it's payin off. I'm just glad that even though today started rocky it ended nice.

Also I'm gonna go ahead and guess that Balloonicorn is Pyro's unicorn plush thing that they bring everywhere? It's cute, I kinda want one too not gonna lie. I'm also gonna guess from the drawimg that Pyro sees the mercs as their family, which sure yeah it's cute, but I'm just wondering what is it that I'm missing that makes Pyro like these guys so much. I've just been riding on the hope that I'll learn more with time.

Y'know these journals are helping me get more comfortable with the guys actually. They're all weird but in a good way, I was gonna say I think I'd fit right in but I reckon none of them fit in, which is like a paradox I guess.

Honestly really lookin forward to reading Heavy's, he's hard to read but seems really nice and careful with the things he does. Same for Sniper. And I feel like I don't know enough about Spy either but why do I feel like his journal is gonna have the writings of a boring old man? Actually scratch that, I'm curious about everyone's journals.

Maybe bein the guy who manages this kinda shit on base isn't so bad if it means I get to read journals. Ok well, yeah no it's kinda bad, but it's rewarding.

Also Soldier's been askin me each morning if I'm free and I keep sayin no, which is true cause I am actually busy, but I'm also partly afraid what he has planned? I should prolly ask him next time.

Wrist cramping.

Chapter Text

Can't sleep so might as well write.

Heavy's soup was bloody delicious, don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't that. Some Russian soup, glad the doc stopped me from leavin or I wouldn't've tried it.

Been gettin warmer again lately, I could return Heavy's coat but I don't plan to. Not nervous to do it, just tryna save it for winter is all.

Soldier's been bangin on my door each day, bloody annoyin havin to tell that cunt to piss off each time. He compliments me on the field, so why ain't he rewardin me outside of battle by fuckin off like everyone else?

Recruit's nice but I ain't gonna think about him, just makes me feel lonely. I told him about Bugga but I ain't plannin to ask him for help, he's prolly busy or somethin anyway. He said I was the only bloke on base who's seen him cry, I can't go threatenin him like this.

I ain't seen a person so excited just by the word "crow". I can handle Bugga just fine without him.

Been keepin my skills sharp even on off days. Been drivin around more often lately too, my head's been foggy. Thought that'd help and it somewhat did.

It was my turn to cook tonight so I just bought dinner like usual.

Fuck.

I sound like Scout just sayin "fuck", but damn it, I've been agitated. This ain't like me.

I felt good when I helped the Recruit and when I was havin dinner that one time. Almost like bein alone is what's makin me pissed, but that's bullshit. I don't need sympathy, Bugga is all the company I need.

What was I doin, trustin the Recruit and tellin him about that spot? That place's my only refuge on base. If he tells a single soul about that spot I'll shoot his limbs, one by one, then watch his eyes go cold as I shoot him in the head. So bloody stupid of me to just go trustin him like that.

I'll try to sleep again, and if I still can't, maybe I'll do some target practice.

Next appointment 30/10/19XX

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Lotta things been goin on lately, this might be a long one.

For one, Spy and I got little letters from "each other" but I could recognize Pyro's handwritin from a mile away. These letters are darn adorable. I didn't even talk to Spy about it but we both ended up meetin on the roof just like the letter asked. I was just impressed they could read Pyro's handwriting.

Anywho, Spy and I met up after dinner, and I told him to just play along. Pyro does a lot for me as is, and even if they got the wrong idea about me and Spy, I ain't complainin. The sky was gorgeous that night, Pyro clearly knew what they were doin.

I'll be honest, I ain't never considered Spy romantically till I read that letter, but if I got to know her a little better, I reckon I'd be willin to give em a chance. We didn't say much, just watched the stars and enjoyed each other's company. It was a good idea to follow that letter, ain't felt so relaxed in a long time.

Earlier in the week, Spy came out to me about bein genderfluid. I'm happy for him and really glad they trust me. She's always real hush about personal things, so it makes me feel special.

My project I mentioned earlier in my journal's been comin along nicely. I found a little dead fly under my workshop table, so I took that thing and expanded it, only to end up settin it on fire after. Glad the experiment worked, but I ain'tve guessed I'd see a fly that big. Gross.

Tonight was Medic's turn to cook, I always look forward to when the fellas cook somethin from their hometown. Medic cooked somethin called Eintoph, or Eintopf? Didn't actually know how to say it, but it was good. Some soup with veggies and meat, can't go wrong with potatoes and carrots.

Well that entry was shorter than I thought it'd be. I told Medic about my project only in theory, now I'm hankerin to try it on a person.

Next appointment 2/11/19XX

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Hello again to my Journal as well as my AMERICAN soldiers who will be reading this in the distant future! You are strong, men, and you will not let the enemy win, you will never let them win!

Today I have informed our Recruit to place orders for the highest quality winter uniforms in order to prepare us for the winter battles to come. The uniforms from last year have mysteriously vanished, which must be the work of an enemy Spy in an attempt to SABOTAGE our American work, so we will make sure to never let an enemy breach our defenses ever again!

We are also suffering from a shortage of ammunition. Of course, my men are very American and therefore very strong, but more ammunition can turn the tides of war. I have also informed our Recruit to place orders for ammunition, and parts that Engie requested.

Tonight Engie cooked an unhealthy dinner, however I allowed it in order to improve the morale of my men. They did an excellent job breaking ice last night, and I will allow this as a reward for their hard work. I have noticed low morale in Demoman especially, but I witnessed Medic having breakfast rations with him, and Recruit giving him company as well. I am glad the American atmosphere of our GLORIOUS American base has improved his condition.

Due to the upcoming health screening, I will work twice - nay, THRICE as hard! And I will set an example for all of my men to follow. I will show them what a true American soldier looks like, and they will follow in my footsteps and make the founding fathers proud!

I am also very proud of the exceptional camaraderie my men have been showing. I heard our Recruit apologize to Scout today, I do not know what the apology was for, but I am glad the two are able to put their differences aside. Not only that, but Pyro and the Recruit have been sharing rations as of late. Our men will have a very strong bond that will be never broken!

I will now reflect on my progress. I have been working very hard and pushing my limits, just like a true American soldier would. However I have recently noticed pain in my body. I am sure that this is just a mind trick that the enemy is playing on me, and I will keep working even harder!

Goodbye Journal.

Next appointment 4/11/19XX

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Today, I had a medical checkup. It appears that all is well, however I was prescribed cream to apply regularly on my face, specifically on my cheeks, forehead, and chin. Medic advised me to clean my balaclava regularly, and that washing it while it is on my head is insufficient. This was rather embarrassing of me, yet Medic appeared to understand. He is the only person on this base who I allow to see my face, but it is only due to necessity. Apart from Engineer, Medic is the only other tolerable mercenary.

Originally, my appointment was scheduled for this morning, but I had unexpected business to attend to and could only see Medic in the evening. I know that the bushman was rather angry at me for this last minute change. Perhaps he just has a penchant for such emotion.

Once again, I spent time with Engineer today. I do not understand why he is so insistent to follow along with Pyro's delusion of a romance between me and him. Still, as his ally, I abide. I certainly hope he is only doing so out of consideration of his friend, and not because he truly does hide feelings for me. However, a man of my caliber would be able to spot a lie in an instant, so I need not trouble my mind with something so trivial.

Moreover, new ammunition recently arrived. I have not stooped as low as that bushman to ogle firearms, but I can recognize quality ammunition when I see it. I am happy that the Recruit has taken my specific ammunition request into consideration. Perhaps there is a good heart under that nosy demeanor of his.

Additionally, I saw Demoman posting mail. It appeared to be a letter, wrapped rather nicely at that. I oftentimes come across mail for and from Scout as well. As much as I want to smack him on the back of his pathetic head, I do appreciate how carefully he handles his mail. He does not rip at it as I may have expected a messy boy like him to do.

Furthermore, I must admit to a tinge of envy I feel upon watching others receive mail. I must gather myself, as this emotion is not suitable for a person of my profession. I cannot allow my feelings to seep into my work, that is what a person of weak heart does.

Since the ice breaking meeting, I have found the Recruit eyes me much more often than before. Perhaps threatening him was not in my best interest, I should have assumed he would interpret it as a challenge. If he wishes to learn more about me, so be it. Perhaps if I was as reckless and moronic as Scout, I would scare him into submission.

I should not have eaten Scout's cooking.

Next appointment 10/11/19XX

Chapter Text

Had a checkup today! That was awkward but at least I'm healthy. Medic did give me these vitamin suppliments though, they were kind of big so I was worried I'd have trouble swallowing them but it's fine. Anyways that's what she said, but I should prolly start saying "he" instead because I am in fact not a she.

Soldier also had a checkup right after me, I didn't even get far down the hall until I heard Medic shouting. He fuckin. Soldier has several broken bones. How does one just 

You know what? I don't think I'll question it.

Wanna guess what else I had? Drumroll please..

A panic attack! God fuckin.

It was around Scout but this time he recognized it I think, I'm not sure. I just told him to stop talking and then he did, which took me by surprise cause I was scared he'd be mad and say more shit, but he wasn't. I don't wanna go into much detail but basically I asked if there was a quiet place, so he took me to his room. 

Note to self cause I sometimes forget this: BREATHE. 4 secs in, hold for 4, 4 secs out. I think that's how it's supposed to be done. Just do that and try not to think about anything else except for breathing. I did that earlier and it helped me calm down.

Scout's room was messy and it reminded me of mine. Things've been a lot to handle lately, I mean I've been through worse, it just was a lot today. I already doubt myself enough, so the last thing I should be doing is doubting myself more y'know?

I told him it felt like there was something wrong with me for panicking like this, he gave me shit for that, saying that in that case, there'd be something wrong with everyone. He stumbled over his words a lot trying to figure out what to say, but he was really trying, and I appreciate it.

I didn't even have time to tell him my doubts cause he cut me off saying that even if there WAS something wrong with me, which there isnt, I came this far so what would it even matter? Even he was surprised by how good he was with his words this time around. 

Now that I write this it was like he was telling me the shit he'd want to hear. He got emotional too and we hugged it out. He's warm, y'know? Scout gives good hugs, and I can actually wrap my arms entirely around him. 

When I calmed down, we were just chilling. I saw a picture on his desk, he said it was a photo of his family. He said he'd been meaning to put it up but didn't, so I helped him. I do that too sometimes. 

He had a single plush, he was really embarrassed when I asked about it and said Pyro gave it to him, but it seemed too old for that. It was this really old looking dog plush that needed stitches in many places, so I offered to help him fix it some other day. I'm not an expert but I can at least mend shit. 

Scout was worried he was keepin me there but I insisted that it was fine, if anything I really didn't want to be alone at the time so we hung out. Cuddled while he told me some shit about his comics, I liked hearin about it. I think I fell asleep at some point though cause it was like time fast forwarded to dinner. 

Pyro isn't actually a bad cook if you like things well done. We had steak and it was honestly really good, I told them how much I liked it and they seemed really fuckin happy over it so I'm glad. They also brought their balloon unicorn and I was so nervous that it would get caught in the fire.

Pyro sat with me and Scout, and put the balloon unicorn (probably balloonicorn) on a seat too like it was having a meal. I wasn't entirely sure what to say but I played along. I sometimes wonder if joining the mercs was the right thing for Pyro to do, I mean I know they know how to be responsible, but with how childish they act sometimes, it feels like they'd be better suited for a job with like. Significantly less bloodshed. But if it makes them happy, then I'm happy for them, and I reckon it's better than the asylum.

ALSO DEMO THOUGHT SCOUT AND I HAD SEX. I had to tell him, no, the sounds coming from Scout's room earlier was the sound of my CRYING. It was really funny for him to think that though and he felt super fuckin bad for assuming. Anyways he told me that he wanted to be there for me in my times of need, I told him it's fine but I'll keep that in mind.

Oh also note to self I'm going batting with Scout tomorrow. Words of affirmation for myself: the future has a way of working itself out. There is nothing I am supposed to be doing right now.

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I cooked dinner tonight, even though it was Fritz's turn. This is because I was very worried about him. He does many hard works, but even strongest man needs to rest. Fritz wanted to do medical checkup for me, but I told him to rest. He does not like to listen. I read to him poems that are my favourites.

I talked with the Recruit about The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe. I told him my guess for the meaning behind poem. I think the main character knew a woman named Lenore, but could not forget about her even after long time. I think Lenore died, because the raven told the main character. The meaning of the raven is "death". However, I did not understand what or who is "Pallas". In literature, it is common to introduce elements to be meaningful.

I asked the Recruit what is the meaning of Pallas, and he said it is another name for Athena. He told me that Athena is Greek goddess for order and wisdom. So, the meaning of the raven to perch on Pallas means the raven will over power order and wisdom. I know only some facts about Greek mythology, so I did not know. The Recruit said he also does not know about Greek mythology. He only told me this information because he had learned about this story before.

This was very interesting for me. Maybe I will read more literature by Edgar Allan Poe, or read work of other authors. I do not think the Recruit is so interested in literature as much as the amount I am interested, but he still knows some things.

Today, I also helped Fritz to take care of his birds. They are very mischievous, but are also very cute. They like to fly and make messes, so I helped to clean up messes.

Before, I told the Recruit that I can teach him how to do self-defense, but he does not have time that he is free except for night time after dinner. In that case, I do not think I can teach him lessons.

I spoke with Spy today. I do not often speak with him. He does not say kind things, but I see his actions. I know that he is full of care.

I enjoyed today, it was good day.

Next appointment 1/11/19XX

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I wanted to give this a shot, I don't know, it just looked like fun. Getting to write all your thoughts on paper. So, uh, okay this seemed like a better idea before, but now I don't actually know what to write. And I realize I have to think a little bit slowly? Because I can't write as fast as I think, but I'll still try.

Well, we found out what happened to last year's winter clothes - they were eaten up by bugs, as well as a whole ton of other papers. I really don't wanna put more work on the poor Recruit's shoulders, but we're gonna have to do a deep cleaning of this place. Or at least, just that room with the bugs. I know he ordered some new winter clothes and thankfully he didn't put them in the same closet. I think doing a deep cleaning of the whole place is a bit much anyways. Or we can just fumigate it, I think that'd be easier.

I was talking with one of the counselors, and they said that there's a lot of progress to be made with the boys. I mean, I could guess as much, but the counselors honestly seem like they're having a lot of fun with it. I really expected they'd at least try to take it seriously, considering it's their job and all. But I'm honestly not surprised, this whole thing is more for formality than actually changing them. And if they ever did somehow make the mercs, I don't know, a little more sane? Then I don't think they'd be fit for this job anymore.

Poor Pyro though. They complain a lot about their counselor. I mean, I really wonder what goes on in their head, and I thought the counselor would at least help them be able to discern reality from their imagination a bit? But I guess it's a matter of not trying to fix something that isn't a problem in the first place. I also got complaints from Medic too, but it's not like I can really do anything. Even if I told the Administrator, she won't do anything. Or maybe she will, but not fast. I guess I should tell her, but whenever she gets to it is not my problem.

I'm really tired, and my government enforced day off is soon so I'm looking forward to that. Maybe I can go do something fun, like, I don't know, go to the beach? But would I really wanna leave a blazing hot desert to go to another blazing hot place? Well there's also cold water, but then what? Doing nothing sounds really boring. Maybe I'd go to a cold storage. Nope, reminds me too much of my job. Well, maybe storing body parts isn't stressful enough to take away from my vacation? It's all about the mind. Right?

Also, I really think we should anticipate an attack from the enemy team. I heard Recruit talking about things seeming off, and I'd rather be safe than sorry. So we'll double up our security on the briefcase. Someone can keep an eye on the cameras more I guess? But then who? Well, I guess it'll be fine, Recruit has a gun anyways. But the Spy can be really cunning.. ugh. I wrote my plan here but then I erased it in case the enemy team is reading this. We’re onto you. You’re not sneaky.

I've also been having a hard time seeing lately since my spare glasses broke, I feel like an old lady squinting at everything. Can you believe my luck? Breaking both my glasses AND my spares? Honestly, I should start carrying a ton of spares around, but then they'd probably all break if I put all my eggs in one basket. Er, glasses. In one case. Maybe I should just get contacts, but.. No, I really like how I look with glasses. Maybe I could get eye surgery or something and then wear fake glasses, but I don't really think I want Medic messing with my eyes. I could ask Demo some stuff about how to handle being blind though. I think he might know something cause of his family history.

I'm glad I wasn't put into that therapy program. I mean, maybe it'd be nice to talk to someone about my stuff, but not with a therapist. I think it'd feel pretty shallow, and I'm already doing fine now, so it's not like I need one. I guess there's not actually a lot of time to be social in my line of work, but I'm not upset about that. And I can take out any anger really easily, so no big deal.

Oh also, I'm running out of tucking tape so I think I'm gonna ask Spy for some. Last time I asked him, she was defensive but otherwise knew what I was talking about. One of these days I should just go ask Medic for bottom surgery, but I don't really have the time. Maybe that's what I can spend my off day on. The medigun should make things heal really fast, right?

Signing off. Is that how I'm supposed to say it? Maybe I'm supposed to say "Pauling, out". Or is that too much of a Scout thing to say? No. I think I'll just say bye journal.

Bye Journal!

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Thank you for believing in me.

This is where I am supposed to be. There is nothing else I am supposed to be doing right now.

Things have a way of working out.

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Before I forget, I would like to wish my journal a happy Halloween!

In truth, I am not feeling very festive, but in a sense, perfectionism is a horror of its own. I know I should not wish to have control over every tiny existing thing, as it is an unrealistic ideal, but how am I to help it when I am a medic who everyone relies on?

I am quite frustrated with myself, as today I made an error while keying Recruit's DNA into the system. I was lucky that I caught it, of course, errors such as this are inevitable, but for me? They are unthinkable. Accidentally allowing a patient of mine to die is one thing, but what would it say about my job? Certainly, a good and effective medic would not make such a simple error. If I lose my job, where will I go? I cannot possibly go back into custody! I do not get an ounce of freedom in that case, and-

I will stop myself there. Recruit told me what this is - catastrophizing. I am assuming the worst case scenario due to spiraling downward from one single error. He observed that I must be more lenient on myself, but that is much easier said than done! However, I have consistently been envious of the other mercenaries in their abilities to let go of their issues. To be more precise, I am referring to their ability to just.. do things.

Recruit mentioned I could start with positive self-talk. I am skilled, I can absolutely figure it out.

Although this is definitely the frustration speaking, it would of course be much easier if I could flick a button and remove my perfectionist tendencies. Despite having said that, I do not think I would flick it. For one, such an button only exists in fiction, and even if it was real, it would leave me more prone to error, and it would create obstacles for me. But then again, thinking this way leaves me drained, which also leaves me prone to error. What a predicament.

No matter, this is quite difficult to think about. I am trying to be more careful with my habits, especially after Heavy was forced to treat me like a child in order for me to take a break. Such treatment is not befitting for someone with expertise like me.

I will return to this subject another time, as I wish to vent.

Scout has not been as kind to me as of late - not that he often was before - but he has been even more hostile. I think this has to do with what I said to Recruit. I should really apologize, I did not mean those things that I said, I merely said them out of worry. A part of me does not want to apologize, as I feel as though it would only set my imperfection in stone. However, I am beginning to realize that the only person on base who holds me to this standard is myself. If the others do not care, then why should I? I am an expert at fixing the mistakes of others, so surely I should be able to fix my own errors as well.

In any case, I do plan to apologize. If I do not, I think Scout would create even more issues for me. Additionally, I do not want Recruit to think I dislike him.

I am more than halfway done with taking Recruit's DNA sequences. It is a very tedious and meticulous process, so I am grateful for Engineer's assistance. I have been meaning to help him with his growth ray, since he told me he made a few changes since we last tested it. He seems to understand though that I have been quite busy, but I plan to get back to him soon.

I have spotted Sniper standing outside my office a few times. He never bothers to explain himself, but he seems worried. I like to imagine that he is worried about me, but I am not delusional - he likely just wants to see Recruit.

I have heard much in the time I have been spending with Recruit. I am glad he admires Misha as much as I do, but I really had to ask, is his and my relationship really so obvious? And here I thought I was doing a good job in hiding it, however it seems every mercenary on base knows about it! Oh, how embarrassing, do you think Misha knows that everybody knows?

Oh, and get this. Apparently, Misha and I are not the only ones on base with an unspoken romance! Recruit mentions that he thinks Engineer and Spy are "pining" for each other - that was the word he used. I had my guesses, so this did not necessarily come as a surprise, but it did feel good to hear another person confirm it. I told Recruit that I have observed Soldier and Demoman being extra close as of late, but I decided not to pry. Or, rather, I wanted to, but could not find the time.

I felt young again, sharing gossip such as this.

And you would not believe what Recruit asked of me! He wanted a hug, from me of all people! I am quite flattered, and here I assumed people were afraid of me. Of course, I was delighted to hug him. He is quite easy to hug, in that he is easy to wrap my arms around. From his reaction, I think he enjoys the feeling of my embrace - how very cute! The only other person on base who hugs me is Misha, so i was delighted to know that I am admirable enough to another person that he would ask to hug me!

Recruit also told me about his opinion regarding Spy. He said he does not like Spy, which I can understand, but I found this to be quite the coincidence! Why, Misha had just recently told me about his opinion of Spy too, which directly contradicted what Recruit said. Spy has a rather cold demeanor, but as it turns out, his heart is filled with care. Engineer has told me about Spy in passing, but this is another one of the things I wish to learn more about but cannot due to time constraints.

I am hoping that I can take a bit of a break from my work after helping Engineer with his growth ray. Specifically "a bit", as I think I would lose my mind should I be separated from my work too long, ha!

Anyways, after I told Recruit what I heard regarding Spy, he did not say much. Perhaps I influenced his opinion.

There is much on my mind to write about, but I am afraid my work calls. I will conclude this entry for now.

Next appointment 9/11/19XX

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I am very happy today because I received mail from my family. They are doing well, and I am relieved to know this. Before I left Siberia, they told me they will move to The United States. I give money to my family to help support them to move here.

Before, I was worried that I cannot give them letters, because our house in Siberia is very far away from any towns. However, I do not have to worry now.

They delivered letters to me today. They are now comfortable in their new house in The United States. I got one letter from each person. One from my Mother, one from Zhanna, one from Yana, and one from Bronislava. I smiled when I read them, and then my cheeks hurt.

I will write about each letter one-by-one.

In the letter by my Mother, she wrote that she is well. She bought a book of recipes, and wrote that my sisters like the American cuisine. She wrote many recipes for me to use. However, for the Russian cuisine, my Mother has difficulty in finding some ingredients. She also wrote that Bronislava was very happy because there was no bear meat in grocery store. She is very funny.

My Mother also wrote about a woman she met who is of same age as me. She thinks the woman would be good girlfriend for me. I will write to her about Fritz. I want her to be calm and to know that I am not lonely here. Also, my Mother sent to me old clothing for my Father. There is not many because she sold most of them for money. She almost did not mail them to me because she misses him. It is better if I have them because I will use them, and she will not. I am grateful for this.

Next, Zhanna wrote about her exercise. She is very strong woman. Even when she was little child, she wrestled with me. She wrote now, she can carry both sisters at same time. She can carry Bronislava in one arm, and Yana in other arm. I am very excited to see her in person again. Zhanna said she will try to carry me. I think I am too big but I want her to try.

Zhanna also asked when is next time we meet. I would like to use my paid leave to see their new house. Zhanna wrote that she wants to come to New Mexico because she misses Soldier. I am not opposed to her dating Soldier, but I will have to save extra money for her to come to New Mexico.

Regarding the next letter, Yana drew many pictures and sent them to me along with her letter. She drew portraits of herself, our sisters, and of our Mother. I really like these portraits because my family has changed a lot. I like these drawings more than photos because Yana also put color in them. It is also more meaningful. I like to keep all artworks made by Yana.

Yana misses reading my poems, so I will write one for her. I want to write one poem for each family member, but if I did so, it would take much time. I will give Yana one poem first and later I will send other poems.

Lastly, Bronislava wrote about her studying. When she was a child, she took my books without asking, but I never stopped her. I am glad now that she can study in school with people who are of same age as her. I am happy they can afford good education. Zhanna and Yana did not write to me about school. I hope they are able to make good money when they find work.

Bronislava also delivered to me picture drawn by her. I do not know word in English, but in laboratory of Fritz, I see posters like this on his wall. I think Bronislava is interested in science, but I am not sure because she also wrote to me about other subjects. She is worried about Yana because Yana tells her about beautiful girl at school. I know Yana has good heart, so she would only choose partner with good heart. I think the truth is that Bronislava is jealous because she wants to date somebody too.

I will stay up late tonight to write to my family because I am too happy about receiving these letters. I never stayed up late when I lived with my family, or else my sisters would follow in my footprints.

I am looking forward to seeing my family again.

Next appointment 7/11/19XX

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I made a few tweaks to my project, thing's almost done. But hey, as much as I'm lookin forward to it, I ain't about to think about that now.

Last night I caved. Demo's been invitin me for drinks for weeks now, and I reckon I needed a break. Sure can't remember drinkin that much, but it must've been a lot considerin the headache. It was nice to hear about someone else's life for a change though. Pyro's told me I push folks away, so I've been tryna fix that.

Demo told me about a writing project he's up to, and it made me realise I haven't read a good story in ages. Sure I've blown through a whole treasure trove of books, but most of em were non-fiction. He didn't say much about the story, but the gist is that it's about a pirate who gets lost at sea. I'd read it.

Demo said he was hankerin to show the draft to Recruit, and it made me I wish I had someone to show my blueprints to. I could ask Scout for design feedback, but can't say it'd be practical. I got plenty used to double-checkin my own work though, so I ain't gonna fuss.

I didn't mean to let out as much as I did, I ain't used to talkin about myself outside of work. But I told Demo that I've been worried about Spy. She's just been distant lately, as if they're pushin me away. I thought he might just be busy with his own thing, so I left him alone. But she kept bein curt, so I reckon somethin might be up.

I'm just glad to get it off my chest. Demo told me to talk to em, and I think he's right. Have to admit though, can't believe I needed someone else to tell me somethin so obvious. He gave me a hug, and it caught me so off guard I couldn't think up a single word. I hugged him back, of course.

Most of it was a blur from there. I thought I could handle my alcohol well but I found myself stumbling into a shower last night. Scout and Recruit were there, hitting each other with towels and causin a ruckus. I took painkillers for the hangover, so I'm gonna get back to work and hope I forget about it.

Can't believe I forgot to mention, this mornin I found a highly detailed blueprint of Spy's cloaking device. Just on my table, out in the open. I can hardly understand the writing, so I wouldn't be surprised if this was from last night. Funny that even in a drunken stupor, I'm still thinkin about her.

I'll hurry and get somethin to eat, I ain't about to throw off my schedule.

Next appointment 7/11/19XX

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Talkin with the mercs is so bloody exhausting. Solitude's great till your mind goes off the deep. Demo was right. Figured I'd have to bite the bullet eventually.

Never thought I'd get along with Pyro considerin the mumbles. They can sign ASL but not Auslan. Somethin we both have in common is piss poor communication.

Found out from Medic that Scout's talkin behind my back. Somehow expected better from him. Maybe I'll stick a cheap knife through his gut and twist till it shatters. Cunt shoulda said it to my face.

Sometimes feels like the world's disappearin around me. Got used to bein ignored. Hate how Soldier is, but appreciate him acknowledging me. Hard not to feel invisible when nobody even looks in my direction. Not like I'd ever give em a reason to in the past. Ain't gonna see me bein buddy-buddy with him, but he ain't all bad.

Soldier collapsed on the floor snorin mid-sentence last night, wouldn't even respond if I kicked him. Reminded me to take my melatonin tabs. He's fuckin insane.

Ran into Ms Pauling today. She's like Scout in that she doesn't shut up, but unlike Scout I respect her. Wanted to talk her outta gettin bottom surgery from the Doc, but left her be. I was thrilled gettin top surgery, so ain't about to take that away from her. Hope she knows what she's gettin into, askin the Doc to do it and all.

She's quite the mystery. Can't say I care to dig, but she knows a lot about us. Just an observation.

Rememberin why I'd never stay on base, these cunts are crazy. Walked in on the Doc earlier talkin to a spoon. Just wanted some bloody cough syrup. Didn't bother askin what severed fingers were doin in the freezer.

The hole in my trousers' been gettin worse. Tried tapin it shut, of course it didn't work. One of these days I oughta pick up sewing. It'd be nice to mend my own clothes, my mum used to nag about fixin stuff when I broke it, so it brings me back.

It's been quiet lately. My heater's workin overdrive. Hope it don't bust again. Heh.

Next appointment 23/11/19XX

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Hello again to my AMERICAN Journal. There has been low morale among my men, and I will change that. I have already spoken with Sniper, and I am pleased to report that he is overcoming his AUSTRALIAN cowardice. Soon, he will have only pure AMERICAN bravery. I am very proud of him.

Medic has informed me to never ignore rib pain. I originally assumed that he was simply a coward, but I did notice improvement in my performance after he gave me "treatment". I insist he must do this for every other mercenary on base.

Today, Pyro demonstrated their strength to me by squeezing me! I believe this was a hug used as a gesture of affection. I hugged them back and cracked their spine to demonstrate my RAW AMERICAN strength. A slap to the face could not awaken them, but a medpack did.

I have seen much camaraderie between Scout and Recruit. It seems Recruit is no longer wallowing, I believe he is ready to resume his usual work. This is EXCELLENT news. I have made sure to motivate him every morning, and I am glad to see him taking to it.

I read Medic's journal. He said many unAmerican things about himself, so I had to prove him WRONG. He is our sole Medic, without him, we would have a very difficult time calling ourselves a TEAM. I gave him words of encouragement, but he insisted I was "nosy". His journal gave me valuable insights into which of my men are fraternizing.

Speaking of fraternizing! I have recently received a letter from Zhanna. We plan to rendezvous soon, or whenever Heavy will allow his family to visit. I would like to clarify that I am NOT a hypocrite! I am able to date because I pursue romance in an AMERICAN way. This means that I do not let my relationship take away from my work. Meanwhile, I have observed a lack of focus shown by Spy and Engineer. I must confront them about this.

I will continue to boost the morale of my men, and prove myself as a SUITABLE American role model for all of them. Goodbye, Journal, and God bless America.

Next appointment 8/11/19XX

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Next appointment 11/11/19XX

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Ain't no way better to celebrate than with a big Texan barbecue. The mercs and I threw in some cash for ribs, angus beef, and whatever in Sam Hill Sniper brought. Sniper's meat was a little rare on the inside and seasoned to perfection. I reckon it'd be low hangin fruit to make a sex joke there.

I can finally get a good night's rest knowin my growth machine is done. Course, it could use a few tweaks, but that'll come as we go. Lookin forward to usin my time for other projects, like that upgraded invisiwatch or on Mimi.

I showed the folks my machine tonight - gotta say, I was happy as a hog in slops seein Scout and Soldier makin such a damned ruckus over it. Gettin to spend time with em like this with the smell of beef roastin really took me back to when I was a little boy.

I reckon I oughta spend more time with Medic, he's a smart cookie - couldn't've made that machine without his help. He hugged me tonight, and I can't say I've known him as a hugger, but I'm just satisfied he was as happy over it as me.

We got Soldier as our test subject. After we activated it, machine only took a little less than 10 seconds for him to reach his maximum size. Went from 6 ft to 12 ft. Last thing we need is for the time taken to be a liability on the battlefield, but hey, it works.

We had Soldier die a few times to really get an average. Apparently, it ain't only incredibly excruciating if Medic don't heal him as he grows, but medpacks also ain't a help. This is likely cause medpacks are only designed with an average sized human in mind, so unless if Medic designs special medpacks for giant mercs, then medigunnin's our only hope.

And when I say "incredibly excruciating", I mean it's a terrible sight. Almost makes me wanna try it for myself.

Oh, but the downside is that my machine don't grow clothes. That'd be rough in the winter, but our mercs can handle it. It'd also distract the enemy team. "Don't look at the dispenser-sized penis".

The fluid pumpin in the machine ain't exactly hard to make or get the right conditions for, but the materials that go into it ain't cheap. Hope it ain't a fuss to get the budget for it from the Administrator.

The parts are fairy simple though. All I gotta do is put the fluid in through the entry column, and the condenser'll turn waste product into a liquid for easy collection. Reckon I'll try to recycle it for somethin, I ain't so sure for what though. The senors give me an easy read on whats goin on in there, when it needs refilling, when it has excess buildup of certain chemicals, etc.

It's also worth notin that the "ray" ain't actually a ray like how I was originally gunnin for in my prototypes, more like high pressure ejectors to spray the target. I reckon I'd also spray if I gave it at high pressure.

Right, enough of that. The burgers were great but the residual onion flavour just ain't doin it for me. Gonna try and gargle mouthwash. Signin off.

Next appointment 20/11/19XX

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