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It's been ten years to the day since the killing game ended.
That's what Kokichi says, anyway, and I believe him. He's kept track of every single day ever since, and he tells me what day it is, every day, without fail. He made his own calendar just for that purpose.
He never bothered keeping track of the days of the week, though. We're kind of past the point where that matters anymore.
…If I'm being totally honest, I don't really want to know what day it is. If it was up to me, I'd pretend that time isn't passing anymore… that the only day I need to worry about is today. I think that'd make everything easier. Knowing just how much time has passed, and knowing just how much time still could pass… Hurts.
I don't object, though. It's how Kokichi keeps moving. I'm sure I do my share of things that he doesn't like to keep moving, too.
There are fifteen grave tablets out in the courtyard, by the pergola, a sad reprise of back in the days of the Ultimate Hunt. One for each of the people trapped in here… One for the people Ouma lost, back before this all started… And one for the people I lost back then, too. I keep them clean and offer prayers every day. I talk to them, too… More even than I talk to Kokichi sometimes, it feels like. He certainly thinks so. He jokes about it sometimes, that I pay more attention to them than him. It's not true, but now that I'm thinking about it, maybe he feels like it is.
We never talk about that, though. Or maybe it's just that I don't talk about that. It feels like I say less and less by the day.
The rest of the courtyard we've converted into a garden. There's plenty of space for it, and the Exisals are easy enough to get to bulldoze terrain once you get used to them. It wasn't too hard to locate seeds, to be honest - they're one of the first things we found, and they weren't harmed at all by the end of the world. A little bit of planting and tending, and they sprout right up.
The rations of the ship we're on haven't failed us yet, but you never know when that will change. And, besides that… It gives me something to do, and it feels good. As long as I'm mindful of not depleting the soil in the ship of nutrients, this should keep working for a while - long enough to feed us until we die, probably.
(Assuming the nutrients in the dirt hold, without anything living in it to keep the life cycle going. So far, we're on a bit of a 'wait and see' policy. I'm always one bad day away from releasing Gonta's earthworms into the dirt.)
Occasionally, we'll make forays out. The Death Road to Despair is pretty aptly named, but Miu made us some oxygen masks and repurposed some oxygen tanks, so as long as we keep them filled up (and it's not hard, thanks again Miu), exploring outside isn't so difficult. Unnerving, yes - always unnerving - but not so difficult. The heat is unnatural and oppressive, and shade only offers the slightest relief, but it's relief all the same. Truthfully, I never know what we're looking for these days; going out is more for Kokichi than it is for me, but I don't mind going with him, not at all.
My blood runs cold just thinking about the alternative. If something happened to him like it did to Miu, I couldn't take it.
She was always going out here, finding salvage and scrap she could turn into new inventions to make our situation a little easier. She said she was going to find a way to make a bunch of little rugrats, and vary up the genetic material so that humanity would live on, but… That dream died with her. When she didn't come back one day, we went out looking and found her eventually. Something fell on her oxygen tank and it burst. It was probably a quick death, if nothing else… Or, well, she wouldn't have been awake for most of it.
We brought her back and buried her in the garden. That must have been… three and a half years ago now? This is why I hate keeping track of time. It really shouldn't be that long since she left us. It feels like just yesterday.
…It's not, though. It's not yesterday, and I know that. It feels like the quiet that settled over us when she passed has been here forever. It already felt quiet, back then, when it was just the three of us. Kaito died not long after Shirogane did - nothing could cure that cough - and so for six years it was just our little trio. And then, suddenly, out of nowhere, it was just the two of us, me making Kokichi swear he would never go outside without me (not that he hesitated to agree), and Kokichi sticking close to me at every hour of the day. I could trick myself into thinking it was the Ultimate Hunt days if it wasn't so quiet.
Miu would probably laugh and call us a couple of morons. And she'd be right. But that was the day it stopped feeling like we were making the best of a bad situation… And started feeling like a purposeless march, day after day. That's when it started feeling like we were doing nothing but watching the years pass inside our stupid little dome, waiting for the end to come to us.
I'm lucky, though. I always have to remember that, and keep telling myself. I'm lucky. I am. I can't imagine spending these years with anyone but Kokichi. We work really well together. He needs encouragement and a gentle touch as often as not, and he keeps me from getting too caught in my thoughts. He's always having us do something to keep busy, to keep the hours passing at the same steady clip. You can almost forget it's the end of the world sometimes, when he's going strong as he ever has.
Between the two of us, we know about half of the languages used in the library. We'll translate books for the other when it's in a language we don't understand - usually I'll be the one translating, but Kokichi has his moments, too. I think about asking him to teach me Russian sometimes, but, well… It's not like I'd really have much reason to use it.
That aside, we play games a lot. The casino is as loud and energy-inefficient as ever, but it's got a lot of options… Even if Kokichi has all of the high scores by now. I always think about trying to cut power to it to keep our ship going longer, but it brings Kokichi too much joy for me to commit. What's the point of living another year if I have to watch him frown all through it?
And if we're feeling low-energy, well… the A/V room is as good a pick as any. There are a lot of movies in here. We went through all of our favorites first, then all of the ones we thought we'd like, then we systematically went through every video - even the ones we figured we'd have no interest in. It's a new experience, and it's different, even if it's miserable. That you can't trade for anything… Especially now that it's gone. Since we've watched them all, we sort of just play whatever now. Sometimes we spring for old favorites, and sometimes we just play something at random.
That's what we're doing now, actually, cuddled up against each other. It feels natural to have my arms curled into Kokichi by now… I don't even really think about it anymore.
"Taro," Kokichi murmurs, "you're not watching the movie. Caught in your own head again?"
I blink for a second, before smiling apologetically at Kokichi. Of course he knows. He knows everything about me… Or, well, everything worth knowing.
I lean in and kiss him on the forehead. "Sorry," I say, because I am. I can't help it, but that doesn't make me not feel bad about it. "I'm trying. Just an off day."
Kokichi hums agreement. "It happens," he says, before taking my chin in his hand. "If you're not going to pay attention to
it,
though, then I
do
demand you pay attention to
me.
"
"Anything for you," I reply, without hesitation. He knows I always mean it, too, which gives him a moment - just one - of pause.
For just a moment, Kokichi stares into my eyes, and he looks tired - as tired as I feel - as his eyes sweep over my features. He smiles not long after. I don't think it's all that real, but I love his energy, whether or not it's real, and he knows it. I think he loves it, too - or at least, he needs it.
Kokichi lets out a huff. "I'll hold you to that," he says, before pulling my lips to his.
I don't hesitate to reciprocate the gesture. I meant what I said, after all - there's not much left of me, and who knows how much time is left in this ship - but everything that I have, I'll give to him. In a heartbeat, without hesitation.
Because when we're together like this, when I'm holding him, when our lips are locked, I can close my eyes and believe… Just for a little while, I can believe we're somewhere else. Some other place, some other time, some other people, living in some other world. Full of life and people and hope for the future.
Just for a few moments, soaking in Kokichi's humanity, I feel really, truly human, too… Instead of just the dregs humanity left behind, too stubborn to die.
For that feeling… I would give anything at all.